Thread: Jokes

MY LIVING WILL


Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I
never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at
all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."



So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.



She's such a bitch.

Ordering a cake by phone:

Okay, so this is how I imagine this conversation went.............

Cake-shop employee answers phone..., 'Harro, dis Springvale cake-shop,
how can I herlp you?'

Customer, 'I would like to order a cake for a going away party this
week.'

Employee, 'What you want write on cake?'

Customer, 'Best Wishes Suzanne'..underneath that..'We will miss
you'....'
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[/IMG]

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en -ter-tayn-ment ) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;


He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

This one has been floating around the ADF :-)
Really well done.

Irish Maths Test

An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9.."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees.




"What's this?" the boss asked.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman.
"Fair enough," said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go"




The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."




The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."


"So, when do I start?"

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The
view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called MacTavish's. Now, the
landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the
barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first
two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin
there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place
they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.
Then,
when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see
that you get laid. All on the house."

"Really?" said the Englishman. "Did this actually happen to you?"

Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did
happen to me sister."

One that hit the ADF inbox today allegedly from the sydney papers... apparently the story was going to be run first page till some research was done into the topic

the story.

"while travelling I found a large sign in a window of a local business and was outraged by what it said. In large bold letters painted into the window was this message."

"We would rather do business with 1000 Al Quida Terrorsist than 1 Australian soldier"










reporters were sent out with a head of steam only to find that it was a funeral home.

LOL good stuff those last 3.