Thread: Jokes

I went to a zoo.
It was rubbish.
All they had was one dog.
It was a schit zu !

Q. Whats got two legs and bleeds .....??????

A. Half a dog


Best told around fire with drunk audience

Hucksta

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...
Here she is in the middle of her first run for President as Senator for New York .... now this has happened to her.
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:

"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you?
I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper, he asks:



















"Who's speaking?"

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress
party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days
later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you
will be just right as a Pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his
disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel.

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The
long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from
emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So
he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with
an accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden
Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go
as a toffee apple.....

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
means a smile and
is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-):-(
Well, how about some '****-ICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ****

(__!__) a fat ****

(!) a tight ****

(_*_) a sore ****

{_!_} a swishy ****

(_o_) an **** that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ****

(_X_) leave my **** alone

(_zzz_) a tired ****

(_E=mc 2_) a smart ****

(_$_) Money coming out of his ****

(_?_) Dumb ****

Found this on another forum, thought it fitted well here!

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

Originally Posted by dobbo

New joke



LANDCRUISER

thats what i call a joke mate!!!!!!!!!!

thats magic