Jokes

**hiline** · 24th February 2009, 10:21 PM

Dating in 1960

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she

welcomed Fred in.

'Have a seat in the living room.

Would you like something to drink?

Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said.

Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?'

she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie,

and then maybe grab a bite to eat at

the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued,

'When she goes out with her friends,

that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother.

'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began

thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs

looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and

a hoop skirt, and with her hairtied back

in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue

burst into the house and slammed the

front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to

her mother in the kitchen.

'The f***ing dance is called the Twist!'

**willem** · 25th February 2009, 10:20 AM

G'day guys,

I thought you might like this one. I can't claim any credit it comes from this blog:

Matthew Helmke (dot) Net

Willem

Several scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide and seek. Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting to 100. Everyone else starts hiding, except Newton - he draws a square that is one meter by one meter and stands in it. When Einstein opens his eyes, he finds Newton standing in front of him.

Einstein says, “Newton’s out! Newton’s out!”

Newton denies it and claims that he is not Newton. All the scientists come out, so he proves that he is not Newton.

How?

Newton explains, “I am standing in a square with an area of one square meter, which means that I am actually Pascal….since one newton per square meter = one pascal.

“So, really, Pascal is OUT.”

**VladTepes** · 25th February 2009, 05:50 PM

lame scientist joke.

Did I mention the new AULROvian is available now !

**willem** · 25th February 2009, 06:08 PM

Originally Posted by VladTepes

lame scientist joke.

At least it managed to rise above the navel!

Willem

**hiline** · 25th February 2009, 08:33 PM

Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play aussie rules
and
> is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood
.
> He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the
> pre-season.
> Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with
only 10 minutes left.
> The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a
> sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the
magpies !
>
> The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the
media
> are in love with the new star.
> When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about
his
> first day of A FL.
> 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we
were 6
> goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the
fans, the
> media...
> 'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father
got
> shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped
and
> beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you

> were having such great time.'
> The young Iraqi is very upset.
> 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'
> 'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to
Collingwood in
> the first place!'

**abaddonxi** · 25th February 2009, 09:11 PM

Don't get that joke.

Why's the punchline at the beginning?

**Chenz** · 25th February 2009, 09:28 PM

The Queen and Dolly parton die on the same day and meet at the Pearly Gates. St Peter tells them "We are flat out up here today and I can only let one of you in. The other will have to wait until the next day"

I will let in the one who can demonstrate their best attribute.

Dolly steps up and takes off her top revelaing her more than ample mammalian protrubrences.

Then the queen steps up and take a leak in the adjoining ladies convenience.

St Peter says "OK Lizzy in you go"

Dolly looks most indignant and says "what about these they are much more impressive than her toilet break"

St Peter says "A royal flush beats a pair no matter how big they are"

**DeeJay** · 1st March 2009, 01:19 PM

This one definately comes with a swear warning....

YouTube - Sony Releases Stupid Piece Of **** That Doesn't ****ing Work

**RichardK** · 2nd March 2009, 09:04 PM

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew.......
'Bastards won't let me fart.'

**Basil135** · 5th March 2009, 08:29 AM

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

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