Thread: Things I've learnt.....

I went to a seance where they were trying to contact my old neighbours, they were 85+ years old and had been married for sixty years! Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.. They were always very good neighbours.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the whole last decade.
One day early this year, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed overseas, sending them off we presumed, to Heaven.

So we neighbours were all together recently and after a few drinks we all decided to have a go at contacting Merv and Elsie, so we did this seance (picture 8 people in a lounge room all hunched over this board like a dog rooting a cricket ball and you get the idea of how this was a chore!) anyway lo and behold, we contacted the old couple!!

Merv, (the husband) explained everything to us...

We reached the pearly gates, and St Peter escorted us inside, he said.
He took us to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging our favourite clothes in the closet.

He went on to tell us that they gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Merv asked St Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'
Merv said he looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Merv.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Merv looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
Merv pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

Merv said he glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Anyhow, I've learnt sometimes you should just enjoy what you have!
feel free to join in

have been researching Chuck NORRIS and this is just some of what Ive learnt..


Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fists.

Chuck Norris taught Tiger Woods how to play golf and sleep with women.

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong phone.

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

If Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom because there is no protection from Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.

The most dangerous form of transportation is Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick, it is also the fastest.

Chuck Norris doesn't like bugs. Thats why the Beatles stopped making music.

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

Chuck Norris doesn't dodge bullets, they dodge him.

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

A Chuck Norris action figure has slept with more women than you.

Chuck Norris can stain stainless steel.

Chuck Norris puts the fist in pacifist.

Genies ask Chuck Norris for wishes.

Chuck Norris could build Rome in one day.

Chuck Norris doesn't spell words wrong. No one else spelt them right.

Chuck Norris can breathe underwater.

The government pays Chuck Norris taxes.

There's a 99.9% chance, Chuck Norris is your biological father.

If you flip over China its says made by Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris swims in the ocean, the sharks are in a steel cage.

Sharks have a week dedicated to Chuck Norris.

The last time Chuck Norris cooked dinner... Jesus and the disciples had reservations.

Kim Kardashian secretly wishes she had an ass like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is so awesome, that when he solves a crossword puzzle, he doesn't even have to read the question.

Before he forgot to give Chuck Norris a present, Santa Clause was real.

Chuck Norris makes the most interesting man in the world drink Budweiser

Chuck Norris once made an happy meal cry.

Chuck Norris can punch a hurricane in the eye.

Vampires and Chuck Norris have a symbiotic relationship

The Sun Doesn't set, it Runs when it sees Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

When Chuck Norris works out he doesn't get stronger, the machine does.

Blitzkreig actually translates to "Second Coming of Chuck Norris" in German.

Meat now comes in four grades, Select, Choice, Prime, and Chuck Norris

"Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.''

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is why World of Warcraft is abbreviated as WoW.

The Original Name For the game "Street Fighter" was "Spawn of Chuck Norris"

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't beg to differ, he says what's right and gives you two seconds to correct yourself before he roundhouse kicks you in your face.

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth. He points his fist at his mouth and the plaque jumps out.

Chuck Norris turned the " Church of Scientology" to "Chuck Norris' House of Pain"

There is only one known cure for lesbianism, Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.

The clock on Chuck Norris' VCR programs itself for fear of retaliation.

Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.

The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.

Chuck Norris can make apple juice with oranges.

America didn't win the American Revolution. Chuck Norris beat the British by himself. Drunk.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

Chuck Norris' alarm clock plays Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" every morning at 7 am. Its not because he likes the song. It infuriates him, because Chuck Norris does indeed know that they started that fire, and they will pay.

Chuck Norris bought his car with monopoly money.

The only reason Michael Phelps won so many Olympic gold medals was because Chuck Norris was chasing him.

Chuck Norris can hit a homerun with a toothpick

Chuck Norris invented guns only because he needed a somewhat of a fair fight when it came time for him to spill some blood.

Chuck Norris has brail on his boots so even blind people know when it's coming.

Chuck Norris Does Not Get Headaches....He Gives Headaches!

Mike Tyson chipped a tooth on Chuck Norris' ear.

Ford Trucks have a new Chuck Norris warning sensor, apparently he think's their motto (Are You Ford Tough?) is a challenge.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris cant break the law. Chuck Norris is the law.

Chuck Norris microwaves his food by putting it in his pants for a minute.

Light wonders how Chuck Norris moves so fast.

Chuck Norris once ran a stop sign. a police men pulled him over to congratulate him on his driving.

Every time Chuck Norris gets mad at the sun, there's an eclipse until Chuck calms down.

Two calculators are needed to add up Chuck Norris' IQ.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris won the NBA 3 point competition with his hands in his pockets.

Chuck Norris once sold eBay to eBay on eBay.

There is only one safe place to hide from Chuck Norris.. in a bodybag.

Chuck Norris gives the sun cancer.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

The first ten minutes of the film "Saving Private Ryan" was loosley based on a game of dodgeball played by Chuck Norris in the 4th grade.

Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.



hope this helps..
Digger