Thread: Things I've learnt.....

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJ0nFQgRApY[/ame]

Hopefully you guys can forgive me!

I've had a rough day yesterday,
A woman was in front of a judge for killing her husband with his guitar collection
The judge enquired if she was a first offender
To which she replied "No your honour
First a Gibson then a Fender

It was very emotional in the court room and we had to hold people back, suddenly a man said to me: ?I'm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.? I said: ?Is that a fret??

After we left there we were called to a terrible industrial accident... yes, Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 20 feet and crushed him underneath.
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted ?The milky bars are on me? everyone cheered.

From there I went to where a baker was busy making bread when his bakery caught fire and burned down. His business is now toast.
Poor bugger, Now how will he earn his dough? I know he kneads the money.

There was also an emergency at the local zoo where two bears have escaped into the community!

Apparently the first one walked into a pub. The Barman trying to stall for time asks the bear "What will it be?"
The Bear says "I'll have a bourbon.. ...... ... .... ...... ...... "and coke"
Barman said "Why the big pause" , The Bear (holding up his paws) said "I've had these all my life"

A short time later the other bear walks into a different bar and orders a beer. The bar tender refuses to serve him.
The bear got angry and bit a huge chunk out of the bar and said ?Serve me a beer or I will keep eating your bar?.
The bar tender said "I've told you we don't serve bears especially those on drugs."
The bear stopped and pondered for a second and then asked "what makes you think I'm on drugs - I'm not on drugs"
the bar tender replied ?What about that 'bar bit you ate?'
The bear left

I knocked off and went home. I was reading the paper when I just saw that "Jackson and "Sophia" are the top baby names of 2015. Seriously? I hate these stupid, trendy baby names that everybody uses. I just hope my son Hashtag doesn't do it to his kids!!..

About my son, I spoke with him and he said,
Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?".
"Go on then,son" I replied.
"NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" he screamed.
I said, "That's Superman."
He said, "Thanks, I've been practising."

I was thinking about quitting my job and becoming an investigative reporter, I've been asked to write a feature on the pros and cons of the iPhone versus a packet of Jaffa Cakes.
But turned it down, I said this was pointless as it was like comparing apples with oranges!

I want to do a story about these so-called 'foodbanks', they are a total rip-off.
I deposited some cake at my local one last week, and when I went to take it out today they said they'd given it away to someone else!! Unbelievable. Seems there is no interest in food banks.

Anyway my son asked - What's for tea dad?
I (knowing he is a star wars fan) said- ?Wookee steak?.
He asked- Really, How is it?
I had to be honest, so I said- ?It's a little chewie, son?.


I was distracted and accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles. My next poop could spell disaster.
I'm very worried but the Dr told me to get ready for a big vowel movement

On a good note though, I won two tickets to an Elvis tribute show and I was told I could cash them in or go to the extravaganza.
The text I received told me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show!!

I need to find a way to relax...
I was in a few bands as a kid..maybe I could do that again...
I used to be in a band called ?Missing Cat? you've probably seen our posters
I really liked being in a band called ?Cancelled? but no one would turn up to our gigs??.
There was a band called ?Blankets and Quilts? - we were a covers band.
I wrote a song about a Tortilla, well actually it's more of a wrap.

I thought Id get a pet to keep me happy and sane.
I looked at a Shetland pony and it was having trouble clearing his throat.
Paul my mate was with me, he is good with animals and he says ?Have you got a bit of a cough??
the pony looked at us and said ?No I'm just a little horse?

I thought about other smaller animals,
But I decided that Rats are under rated
(Check your dictionary.)

I bought a few pets... I had trouble deciding on names, Paul's good with names.
He named my pet salamander, he called him ?Tiny?. He was my newt.

I did find I had too many animals and decided to sell some
You have got to love eBay... I've sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month already.

OK, I've got to go to the post office, I'm hoping to answer the age old question...
I have ordered a chicken & an egg from Amazon,
( I'll let you know what I learn !!!)




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