Thread: Things I've learnt.....

I wanted to rent a house in the country. The only house available was rumored to be haunted.

Since I didn't believe in such things, I rented it.

It wasn't long before the ghost made its appearance. I told my friends about the ghost, but they didn't believe me.

They told me the only way they would believe was if I would take a picture of the ghost.

I went home and called for the ghost.

When it appeared, I explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.

When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn't visible, feeling very disappointed, I called again for the ghost.

When it appeared, I showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn't in it.

The ghost thought a minute and replied, "Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."

So instead I went to assist at a fundraising event being held in the local RSL by the local Women's Auxiliary, and the organisers had arranged for one of Ireland's last surviving and coincidentally most decorated WWII pilot to speak to the assembled ladies as he was visiting Australia.

He started telling the story of a mission flying his spitfire over France and how they were being strafed by German fire.

" I looked out in front of me" he said " and there was three fokkers in front, and then I looked behind me, and there was three fokkers behind me, and then I looked above me, and there was two fokkers above, and then I looked below me, and there was four fokkers below"

Just then I, thinking that the ladies might misunderstand, and assume the ex-pilot was swearing, jumped up and said "For all those who don't know, the Fokker was a plane used by the Germans during the war"

Immediately the Irish pilot said "Yeah, but these Fokkers were Messerschmidts"

I learnt that sometimes you should learn more about the speaker first!

Boy, have I had a bad week!

It all started when my Ipod wouldn't work...
So I changed my IPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

I've written some notes I had thought about this week... here they are..

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I was worried so I spoke to my local chemist, and he had a heart attack and died...I learnt this week that when chemists die, they barium.

I always wondered how does Moses make his tea? I assume Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I went to the disco and this girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I truely believe that Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
This week I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

I decieded to go on tour, first, to America... but I had some questions.....
Why were the Indians in America first? (They had reservations.)
We are going on a class trip to the AMerican Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

On holidays I stopped shaving...I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Whilst away I heard about my daughters cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? She told me that when you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

I was a bad student I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

In England I learnt that they have no kidney bank, but I suppose it does have a Liverpool.

I was going to write some notes...then I realised Broken pencils are pointless.
I was bored so I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

I know stuff like, What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Whilst in NEW YORK, I learnt that all the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. whilst I was visiting the NYPD a cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I got a job at a haunted bakery because I kneaded dough. Let me tell you haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.

Sorry I got stuck on the bakery thing....Speaking of getting stuck,,,Velcro, what a rip off!

The earthquake last week in Washington obviously was the government's fault.


OK I must go,
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Be kind to your dentist. Remember, He has fillings, too.

Cheers, feel free to add any of your thoughts...

Digger

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card. Three days later, she became his stepmother.


Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Thankyou Inc for transferring this thread...

Boy, what a week I’ve had!, I have been very busy... I had a really bad day yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

But, after working on it for two years, this week I finally did a public theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

In the matinee audience was a primary school class, and a small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When I telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'. I was really worried the teacher would be mad that this had occurred so I went to talk with him. Turns out he was a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

The kids got out of control and the magician got so mad he pulled his hare out. He came to us from a circus... Did you hear about the fire at the circus? Apparently the heat was in tents.

Anyway these students reminded me of my school days.....some days were great some were scary, for instance in my last year I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose. Earlier in the year a rubber band pistol was confiscated from me in algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. I recall having a beautiful but difficult math teacher. She was easy on the eyes and hard on the pupils!

I realised then that math teachers have lots of problems. I also realised that I'm bad at math, so the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me. I recall that a rule of grammar is that double negatives are a no-no. And a prisoner's favourite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

After school I had a few jobs, I may have mentioned these before.... First I sold farm equipment, (John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment I won't stand behind.) Then I joined the Army with my mate William, we were posted to Afghanistan and got what we thought would be a cushy job with the Quarter master, but it is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
When we got back William quit the army because he really disliked the phrase 'fire at will'. So we started doing orchestral appearances in workplaces, we were working in the mines when a crane strap broke.... let me put it this way.. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor....


Will then became a butcher but he backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work, with his compo payout he bought a really flash new car, after a big night on the bundys, he drove his expensive car into a tree and found out exactly how the Mercedes bends.

After months of treatment he told me these things about his medical treatments, He said he’s been to the dentist several times so he knows the drill. He said do not trust people who do acupuncture as they’re a mob of back stabbers, his proctologist reassured him that his condition could be rectified.
He said he was arrested after his therapist suggested he take something for his kleptomania.

I decided to find my own niche, First I was a greengrocer, Big mistake! Greengrocers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, take a leek, turnip the covers endive into bed. So instead I invented a new type of broom, since it came out, it is sweeping the nation. I made a breakthrough when I realised a bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tyred. Then I thought “What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? “ It’s purely a tyre.

After that I invented a cardboard belt but I realised after that it would be a waist of paper.

Inventing runs in my family, My great grandfather, the one who invented the door knocker, got a No-bell prize. For a while, my great grandfather hung around with Houdini. The great magician used a lot of trap doors in his act, but according to my great grandfather he was just going through a stage.

Inspired by my great grandfathers works, I invented a fitting that holds your whipper snipper at 90 degrees to the ground, I ‘m telling you it’s cutting-hedge technology. Now I’ve developed some new worker safety reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out. Unfortunately my new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

I started the original online origami store? You guessed it, It folded. I started binge eating and got huge, I desperately wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.




To pay for all this I have a job at the concrete plant but my job seems to get harder and harder. I used to be a watchmaker. It was a great job and I made my own hours. But usually I'm inclined to be laid back. I was a baker but I stopped making donuts after I got tired of the hole thing. I was a plumber, let me tell you, for plumbers, a flush beats a full house anyday! I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.


My brother was an Olympic quality rower but he got dumped because as an indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar. He worked as a director of a compass manufacturer but the shareholders were concerned that the company wasn't heading in the right direction. Then he invested in a funeral company, but it’s a dying industry. (Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%, they blame it on the cost of living.)

He had a bad run, when Harry Potter was big ,my brother invested in publishing a book of incantations, but it was useless. The author had failed to run a spell check.

I blame myself, We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention. And as kids I tricked him a lot of times swapping his drink for superglue!, He didn't tell our mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed. I hit him in the head with a can of coke one day, right in the temple! He was lucky it was a soft drink.

He used to scare me with spiders and bugs, I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me. You see Bugs have very diverse religious views, because they are all in sects.

I worked as an animal carer and there I learnt a lot too, for instance, I learnt that a chicken crossing the road is just poultry in motion. Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder. I used to play hide and seek with some animals, All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck! I learnt that the best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line. I was there when a dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering. I stopped doing this when 5000 hares escaped from the zoo when I was working . The police were combing the area all night.

I have taken a role as a “facilitator”, that means if people want stuff done, I am the guy who can get it done...
I have made some mistakes, like I learnt that:
*- If you wear a blindfold at the shooting range, you won't know what you're missing
*- novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas.
*- The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.
*- I learnt that the Atheists society is a non-prophet organization and that Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
*- I was shocked to learn that Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
*- If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
*- If you step onto a plane and recognize a client of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!
*- Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.
*-Even learned that a grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

In my new office the curtains are drawn, but the rest of the furniture is real. I bought lots of pencils as soon as I started, there were hundreds of different ones to chose from. I realised that pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point? I bought a huge sharpener to go on my desk, Pencil sharpeners have a tough life - they live off tips, but I had to have one, because to write with a broken pencil is pointless.

But I have made an impressive list of contacts and can arrange almost anything, If you need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
To supplement my wage I do weddings too, My first was last Saturday, I got all dressed up, I didn't want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. I learnt that to some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.
It was in a chinese restaurant, after a while they decided the lights were too bright at the restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


They saved money on the caterers and the coffee tasted like mud, I think it was because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.Someone stole my coffee, Stealing someone's coffee should be called 'mugging'.

The caterers had a nut based menu, Nuts are so expensive these days. Nearly cost you an almond a leg. They served beautiful cuts of meat, and I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

Anyway enough of this, I need to be more flexible, like I don't think I need a spine. I reckon it's what is holding me back.

Time for bed, Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

Feel free to join in!

Digger

BLIMEY! Glad to see Vaudeville ain't dead, Digs.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man, I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

OK, it’s been a while, sorry about that, but I’m back and I have learnt a few more things...
I went to the park to practice my boomerang throwing... I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
There were lots of people in the park, buskers, poets and a juggler.. well I think he was a juggler.... It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

I saw that they had a “come and try” day for athletics, so I went over.. anyway I tried a few events... and I realised that although I used to have a fear of hurdles, I got over it. Unfortunately during all this I lost my watch!.... I was going to look for my missing watch, but honestly I didn’t bother.. I could never find the time.

I thought about putting up LOST posters but my pencil was broken... Then I realised that to write with a broken pencil is pointless. I got distracted when I thought about sharpening the pencil, I realised that Pencil sharpeners have a tough life - they live off tips. I realised I was just exhausted and thats why I was thinking like this... No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

With a broken pencil I decided to go home.. I work on the second floor but as I have some phobias I usually take steps to avoid elevators. I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.

I could not pull out of my parking space because they parked in front of me, so I used my back up plan. I was an aspiring limbo dancer until I overcame my fear of crowded bars, then becoming a significant underachiever.

Unfortunately whilst limboing I put my back out.... I sought medical help... let me say only this, Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers. I then went to a specialist and he sent me to a Proctologist, The proctologist reassured me that my condition could be rectified.

He also suggested I should clone myself.... Clone myself? I thought... You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you! Once I thought about cloning a new, more efficient brain, but then I realized that I was getting a head of myself. I gave up and realised that cloning is a nil conceived idea

A mate of mine was rich from cloning research, he decided to donate all his money to a worthy cause, His lofty eye deal was to provide free contact lenses for Giraffes. We went to the circus to see how these contact lenses would fit, they had a fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.

After leaving there I had an appointment with my dentists.. I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill. No one knew I had a dental implant until one day it came out in a conversation.

Whilst waiting to see the dentist I read his magazines and I leant these things:-
*- I read a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you.
*- The patron saint of American GFC poverty is St. Nickeless
*- The WW1 soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was considered to be a seasoned veteran.
*- When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.

*- Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.
*- For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.
*- Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
*- The shareholders of a compass manufacturer were concerned that the company wasn't heading in the right direction.
*- How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.
*- A glide-path is a soar spot.

I went back home, on the way there I passed a wedding. Looking in I could see that it was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. I saw they had a young pirate band playing, I think it was a mistake.. Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas.

I went home to do some handiwork, I do a bit of DIY... Its going OK, I got a nasty electric shock the other day, but I wasn't phased.
I decided to cook my tea, My famous bacon soup recipe began as an add hock meal, but was nice.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

A friend of mine was a lawyer but he has quit and became a chef, I believe that a lawyer-turned-cook is a sue chef.

I tried to fix things around the house but I pricked my finger badly while trying to find a needle in my wife's sewing box. It was a crewel turn of events.

I decided it was time to take a rest.. Im inclined to be laid back.
Hopefully I’ll learn something tomorrow.

feel free to join in