Thread: JOKES (Part 3)

Experimental Pills

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. That night at dinner, she does so.
About a week later, she's back at the doctor.
She says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes, and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off, and ravages me right there on the table!"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Naah," she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that restaurant anyway."

College Student

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day at work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile , gave him
a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store",
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
" Oh , Im sorry i didn't realize that, " said the manager. " here, give me the
broom- I'll Show you How"

Proposal

One day a young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her Mother - "Mom, Bryan just proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her Mother asked.
"Well, he also told me that he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe that hell exists!"
Her mother replied, "Honey, marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he really is.

Identifying Cars

Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number. "What kind of car was he driving?" he asked.
"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."
At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.
It worked. About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"

Religious Bear

One night in the middle of a darkened forest, a hunter tried to confront a huge mean bear. In his fear, all of his attempts to shoot the bear proved unsuccessful.

Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. He kept runnning and running until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. He looked dismayed...his hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in on him quickly, the hunter flopped down on his knees, opened his arms and proclaimed "Dear God Almighty! Please give this bear some Religion!"

The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few yards short of the hunter, the bear came to a sudden stop and glanced around, looking somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I am about to receive..."

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the
class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and
not paying attention. She went back to find out what
was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had
just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him go down to the principal's
office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what
he should do about it. He did it and he returned to
the classroom, where he sat down in his seat.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the
room. She went back to investigate only to find him
sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" the teacher
screamed.

"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could
stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

A redhead goes to the doctor and says , "Every part of my body I touch, Shoots with agony".
The doctor says 'Show me'
She points and touches her knee and screems with pain, Then she touches her ear and yelps in pain, Touches her forhead and screams.
The doctor says, Your not really a redhead are you? She replys, No Im a blonde how did you know that?
Doctor says, "Because your finger is broken"

A woman goes to the docter and tells him she has a problem... Docter one of my breasts is bigger than the other... the docter says I'll have to take a look... she removed her bra and her left breast drops about two foot.. the other was normal... The doctor was amazed and said he had never seen anything like it before... the doctor asks her if she knows what caused it... she explains that her husband likes to fondle and kiss her breast when they go to bed at night... the doctor says that it would not cause the breast to grow this long... The woman say's well we do have bunkbeds....

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were
> posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual
> responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour:


> Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
> so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die

> . Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

> Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - Can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

> Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

> Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
> list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

> Q: Can you give me some info about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not...
oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.
> Come naked.

> Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

> Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it.
> Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross,
> straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

> Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
> (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers.
> Milk is illegal.

> Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
> rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
> handled and make good pets.

> Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (UK)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out
of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking
>
>

>
> "Nothing in this world happens by chance"

Cheers
Knight :wink:

A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the
dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs
into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her
husband's jewels. Amazingly, it also works on him. The woman sleeps soundly. He wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.
As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks
back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know
where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place".

A bloke walks into a bar in the middle of africa. As he approaches the bar he notices a large jar full of money on the end of the bar. He walks to the bar and orders a drink. When the bar tender brings him his drink he asks what the jar on the end of the counter is for. The bar tender tells him that there is an elephant out the back that refuses to laugh, you have to put 5 bucks in the jar and if you can make him laugh, you can take the jar. He places his money in the jar and goes out the back, about 5 minutes later he comes out and the elephant is laughing uncontrollably. Well a deal is a deal, here you go, the bar tender hands the money over and the guy finishes his drink and leaves. About 6 months later the man is passing through the area and stops at the bar for another drink. Again there is a jar of money on the end of the bar. He agian asks the bar tender what its for. The bar tender recognises him and says since you came in the bastard wont stop laughing. Put you 5 bucks in the jar and shut him up and you get the money again. He does so and goes out the back. When he comes back out the elephant is silent. He grabs the jar and heads out. Hey wait a minute, how did you do it the bar tender asks. Well when i came in last time I told him my penis was bigger than his, this time i showed him.


Two cowboys turn up at the saloon and walk in and order a whiskey. They sit down and enjoy their drink. After a couple they get up and head outside. When one of the cowboys walks around to untie his horse, he cant help but notice that someone has painted his horses face yellow. Quite angry he storms back into the bar slams the doors open and says "Right which one of you mothers painted my hoss's face yella", a large 7 foot tall man stands up, turns around to face the cowboy and says "Me and what are you goin to do about it?". Oh nothing says the cowboy, just came in to tell you the first coat is dry. Matt.

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong. Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."