Thread: JOKES (Part 3)

British Columbia Health Care's Test For Alzheimer's

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The lab technician says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit
of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?" asked Mr. Smith.

"Well one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible!" said Mr. Smith, "Can't we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have British Columbia Health Care and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" asked Mr. Smith.

B.C. Health Care recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her!" 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]


Cheers
Knight :wink:

Santa’s Tired & …
‘Twas the night before Christmas - old Santa was ****ed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list,
Miserable brats, ungrateful jerks,
I’ve a good mind to scrap the whole damn works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
My old lady bitches ‘cos I work late at night,
The elves want more money and the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed up the maids,
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things might get better,
Those assholes from NAB sent me a letter.
They say I owe money - if that ain't damn funny;
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money?
And the children these days - they all are the pits
Ask the impossible, the mean little ****s.
Spent a whole year makin’ wagons and sleds,
Assembling their dolls - arms, legs and heads.
Made lots of yo yos, but no-one wants them,
Just computers and robots – like I'm IBM?
If you think all that's bad, just picture this:
Try holding those brats, their pants smell of ****
They pull on my nose, they grab at my beard,
And if I don't smile, their mums think I'm weird.
Here I’m flyin’ along, dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job, there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
So Christmas is OFF - now you know the reason.
Found me a blonde; I'm going SOUTH for the season!
I'll laze in the sun, then into bed I’ll be tucked
And those snotty-nosed brats … can go and get f…ed.
*****************
Yep I hate it as well....................

MERRY CHRISTMAS


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And
just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols". [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] 8O :roll: [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And, so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Merry Christmas!

There were 2 lions in a cage at the circus, when a couple of clowns walked past. Each grabbed a clown and swallowed him down.
1st lion: "Mmm, nice. How did your clown taste ?"
2nd lion: "Mine was a little bit funny"

:roll:

gee I ROARED over that one,,,,, [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Are you suggesting it was a little bit TAME :?:

Originally posted by VladTepes
Are you suggesting it was a little bit TAME :?:

OMG please people to prevent this type of joke showing up here again keep the funnies coming thick and fast. :?








He laid her on the table,so white clean & bare,
his forehead wet with beads of sweat,
he rubbed her here & there.
He touched her neck & then her breast, & then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet & all was set, he gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside, all was dark & murky,
he rubbed his hands & stretched his arms..



.& then he stuffed the turkey.




May I be the first to wish your dirty little mind a MERRY XMAS :wink: