Thread: Laughs/Funnies for 2005

>Melbourne, Tuesday
>
>
>The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The
>announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
>Australian Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from
>Frankston.
>
>The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on
how
>unemployed youths from the Frankston area were able to remove a set of
>wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas
>Ferrari's
existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of >euros worth
>of high-tech equipment.
>
>John Howard went on record as saying this was a bold move by the
Ferrari
>management, which demonstrated the international recognition of
>Australia's employment practices under his Liberal government. As most
>races are won >and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have an advantage
over
every team.
>
>However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for......At the
>crew's first practice session, the Frankston pit crew successfully
>changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they
>had
>re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for a
>slab of VB, a kilogram of speed and some photos of Montoya's
>girlfriend
in the shower.

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed, "What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

What is the difference between women at ages 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?


At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???

AUSSIE GUYS ARE SOOOOOOO TOUGH!

As the anthem goes aussie, aussie, aussie,....

Three Hang-glider pilots, one from New Zealand, one from South Africa, and the other from Australia, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.

A night of Tall Tales begins.....

Gary the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest hang glider dude there is. Why, just the other day, I landed in a field, scared a crocodile loose from a nearby swamp and it ate six men before I wrestled it to the ground... and killed it with my bare hands".

Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered.

"Well you guys, I lended efter a 200 mile flight on a tiny trail end a fifteen foot Namibian desert sneike slid out from under a rock and mede a move for me. I grebbed thet bugger with my bare hends, beet it's head off end sucked the poison down in one gulp. End I'm still here today".

Mick the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.





Bushie

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.

The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police got called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continued in the court room until the Judge finally brought calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court!"

The court room went silent and Paddy (the best man) stood up and said, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agreed and asked Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

"Well", continued Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leaped over the table, ran towards us, and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded: "God... that must have hurt!"

Paddy replied, "HURT ?? It broke 3 of my fingers!!!"

So you think you're having a bad day. The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle!

what happened to the bike? [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]