Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by Brian Hjelm

Ron, you are holding your age well!

Yep. I'm standing with you on my left.

Originally Posted by p38arover

Sounds like an urban myth to me!

Have you been there? The bloody wind howls through that area and it's as cold as.

Hey Ron, how long did you have to hang around for this time.

I was there for a while. I visited the fort under the Golden Gate., The wind was really bloody cold. I didn't have a jacket and I was in my usual shorts.

Originally Posted by p38arover

and I was in my usual shorts.

As opposed to...






your unusual shorts






Alan

OK, to tell the truth, I was in my unusual shorts. I wasn't wearing my usual Stubbies.

I couldn't come at buying a pair of the unusual shorts favoured by some older Americans!

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age,
in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed
during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are
entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since
there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't
have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother
and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having
difficulty breeding.

This would cool her down and make her relax.

So, the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big
towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would
cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So, the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel
over them as the Vet had suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the
Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man
have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming,
ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a
half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a
boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a f***in' towel!'

NATIONAL THREAT LEVELS

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats in Afghanistan and have raised their security level from
"Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet
again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing
the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy
has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two
higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to
"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the Air force being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some
toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more
level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come and
rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to
gather together in a strategic defensive position called Bondi".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and
"The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has
warranted the use of the final escalation level.

Q: What do you give the man who has everything?
A: Antibiotics!