Thread: Jokes

The best duck joke ever!!!!!!!


A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't
mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's
pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you
doing round this way?"


"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his
bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids
the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to
him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that
could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats
sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business
card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey
Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .. ..
.

.

.

.

.


"What the heck would they want with a plasterer??!">

JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN
>
> A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
> program.
>
> The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him
a
> voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair
of
> Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
>
> She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
>
> The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
>
> Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
> huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
>
> The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
> happens.
>
> On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost
> 10 lbs. as promised.
>
> He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
> The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
> stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is
> wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that
> reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
>
> Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent
> shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four
days,
> the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and
better
> shape.
>
> Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
> discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to
go
> for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
>
> 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our
> most rigorous program.'
>
> 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
>
> The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
finds
> a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
> shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're
> mine.'
>
> He lost 63 pounds that week.

Single black female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your car, pig shooting, camping, fishing trips, and cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I will be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I am yours. Call XXXXX and ask for Daisy.
Over 5000 men found themselves talking to the RSPCA about an 8 weeek old Labrador Retreiver puppy!

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a DIY Virginity Test Kit - a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel." Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?" The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your b^#@s red and the other b^#@ blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of b^#@s I ever did see', you hit her with the shovel."

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner...








'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.

Bloody good value that!

A psychology student decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he writes: "Theme Party - Come as a Human Emotion".

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy,
"Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

The guy says,"I'm green with envy."

"Brilliant," says the host, "come on in and have a drink." A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

"I'm tickled pink," she replies.

"I love it," says the host. "Come on in and join the party." A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two black guys from New York, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Christ, guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"

The first guy replies, "Well, I'm ****in' discustid, and my friend here is deep in dispair."