Thread: Jokes

Mate of mine just come back from a holiday in Thailand and nearly had a sexual encounter with a 'ladyboy'. Scared the **** out of him....she looked like chick, talked like a chick, walked like a chick, danced like a chick and kissed like a chick. So she took him back to her place and when she reverse parallel parked into a tiny spot first go he thought," hang on a ****ing minute.....!"

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show at the local Golf Club.
With his dummy on his knee he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting.
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general... pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde woman yells
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap!"

A woman came home early and found her hubby in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -
a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want
a divorce straight away!"

And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you
what happened"

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say
to me!"

And he began:

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here
asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I
took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very
thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion,
I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last
night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on
weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was
doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say
they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good
taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair
like them.."

He took a quick breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her
to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said
'"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?''

Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home in Ireland were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year-old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing, but the other could hear quite well.
When the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAID WE GOTTA SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAID HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out,
"OH MY GOODNESS - BOTH OF US?"

1. Two blondes walk into a building .........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.


5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
Without a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!

He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!"

Elton bursts into tears.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!!"

TWO GREAT COMEBACK RESPONSES


Number 1:



If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a criminal trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir, with my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom exploded into laughter and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line.


Number 2:

Now we know why he is a General



In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

Originally Posted by kenleyfred

TWO GREAT COMEBACK RESPONSES


Number 1:



If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a criminal trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir, with my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom exploded into laughter and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line.

A well known Brisbane park bench derelict of the 60's-70's was said to hold the world records for arrests for drunkeness in a public place. One morning he was in the usual lineup in the Magistrate's Court and the mag. said "Here again, Mr ---. What brings you before me this time?" "Two constables, your worship." " Drunk, I suppose?" "Yes, your worship, both of them."