Thread: Jokes

I nearly slept with a ladyboy last night
Picked him up in a night club last night.
He looked like a woman.
Smelled like a woman.
Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed the car into a tight parking spot in one fluid movement!!!
Thats when I thought
"wait a minute"

But my wife won’t like it:


Golfers ……….

One day a golfer accidentally overturned his buggy.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in
a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out,
“Are you okay, what's your name?"


"It’s Grahame, and I’m OK thanks," he replied.

"Grahame forget your troubles.
Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the buggy up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Grahame answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Grahame finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons.
Grahame thanked his host."I feel a lot better now.
But I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile.
“She won't know anything.
By the way, where is she?"






"Under the buggy!"

Lucus Prince of " DARKNESS" wiring.

ELECTRICAL THEORY BY JOSEPH LUCAS

Positive ground depends on proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke". Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.

For example, if one places a copper bar across the terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions. The logic is elementary and inescapable!

The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another. When the wiring springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterward.


Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some time largely because they consumed large quantities of smoke, requiring very unsightly large wires.

It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their German, Japanese or American counterparts. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national defense secrets. Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.

In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke provides a logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical components especially British units manufactured by Joseph Lucas, Ltd.

And remember: "A gentleman does not motor about after dark."



Joseph Lucas "The Prince of Darkness"
1842-1903


A few Lucas quips:



The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."



Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.



Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.



Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.



The three-position Lucas switch: DIM, FLICKER and OFF. Sometimes labled: SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.


The Lucas smoke theory: when the smoke comes out it's finished, cooked or done for.


The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.



If Lucas made guns, wars could not start.



Back in the '70s, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. They were the only products they offered that did not suck.

A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated recently, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight ...”

What's in the bag?

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.

He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.

When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.

He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.

Victoria Police HQ has announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tons of heroin, $25 million in forged banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes all in a block of flats behind the Collingwood Public Library.


Local residents were stunned.

no one knew they had a Library

A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to Bunnings

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from
who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Bunnings.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Bunnings until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings.

Go to KMart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a bundings ? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you?


this is getting too close to the truth!

Jane and Brian Smith found that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son Ben in the apartment was to send him out onto the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving'

'Jason is on his skate board'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a bonk!'





Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, 'how do you know that?'







'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'!