Thread: Jokes

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.



The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'



'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'



'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.



They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'



'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.



So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.



Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!



There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.



With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.



'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'



'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to Sea World.

TD5's are measured in miles per gallon
V8's are measured in smiles per gallon

Originally Posted by Eevo

TD5's are measured in miles per gallon
V8's are measured in smiles per gallon

I always thought it was TD5 Smiles Per Gallon
V8 Pain at the Pump

Now that doesn't rhyme does it...

When John and Mary first got married John said, “I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

... John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Mary asked John, so why do you have all that money in the box?
John answered; “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”

Classic, Mick.

A chicken farmer went to a local bar......sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I am a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence...."

The Best Smart Ass Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.

'Would you like dinner?', the flightattendant asked John, seated in front.

'What are my choices?' John asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.



SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at thedeparture gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand forthe ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, Ineed to see your ticket, not your stub.'




SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozenturkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for herfamily. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they'redead.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car asthe kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waitingfor you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here asfast as I could.'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, hesent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on thefreeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, thebridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars arebacked up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The copgets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hipsand says, 'Got stuck, huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I wasdelivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'






SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR




A college teacher reminds her class oftomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you notbeing here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personalinjury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no otherexcuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of theroom raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I wassuffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughterand snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at thestudent, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to writethe exam with your other hand.'







A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in thebedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'Ifeel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me acompliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damnnear perfect.