Thread: Jokes

THIS IS VERY TOUCHING



One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied."We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."



The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wifeand SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as largeas the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you. "

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.You'llreally love my place.The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as aheart-warming lawyer story...did you????

Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the county fair every year,

And every year Stewart would say, "Barbara, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"

Barbara always replied,

"I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid!"

One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said, "Barbara, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

To this, Barbara replied,

"Stewart, that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid"

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's seventy quid. "

Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!"

Stewart replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Barbara fell out,

But you know, seventy quid is seventy quid!"

An oldie but a goodie... and yes, I've known Nurses just like her.

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hairs .
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Landrover you booked for speeding last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 kilos that week.

be careful !!!



If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

Be careful what you purchase on eBay.

A friend has just spent $100 on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in the sunlight."

here is one out of the Toyota manual !!!


Japanese Sex..............
A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: Sukitaki.

Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this! As if you understand Japanese! Unbelievable.

I knew you would read anything as long as it is about sex.

You need help!!

Subject: IRISH LOGIC.......



The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously. "What happened!!

I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to me wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found: Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!


This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I am leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is I something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."


Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile... "Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation

. . . she never got your email!”

Originally Posted by bob10

Subject: IRISH LOGIC.......



The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously. "What happened!!

I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to me wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found: Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!


This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I am leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is I something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."


Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile... "Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation

. . . she never got your email!”

Noice