Thread: Jokes

They were all quietly seated in Church waiting for the priest to begin...when suddenly there was a flash of flame, lots of black smoke and.......
Satan appeared at the altar!
Naturally this panicked the flock and they that had'nt frozen in fear scattered, screaming for the exits.

- Except one relaxed, yea verily, even bored-looking old bushie...

Satan came down the aisle and -

"Don't you know who I am?" he asked, his voice rattling the stained glass...

'Yeah mate" replied Old Mate.

"Are you not aware of my mighty power and dominion over you mere mortals?" demanded the demon

'Not arguing there either, mate'

"Do you not realize that I can obliterate you with a mere word?" said Satan, forked tail twitching..

'Yep I reckon you could" was the reply

"Are you not fearful of me?, - that I could inflict on you a lifetime of Torments and endless misery such that you will beg for the darkness of death!..."

'nah mate, ya can't worry me... 'been married to your sister for the last 48 years...'

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Originally Posted by carlschmid2002

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As funny as that is - The Best Address in England (Adult Joke)

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a row, the same, yelling could be heard deep into the night.


The old man would shout,

"When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98.

After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked,

"Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"



The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . .
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With an attitude he asked '...and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now ! ! !

SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.


The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.


She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”


Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you.”


Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”


Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”


Wife: “Oh yeah?”


Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”


Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”


Maria: “Jor hozban did”


Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”


Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”


Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”


Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”



Wife: “So how much do you want?”

Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,

'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'


I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.

I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.


I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'



"Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.

How old was your Father when he died?'


'Who said my Father's dead ?'


The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive.

How old is he?' 'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio.

'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach

for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive.

He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'


'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.

How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died ?'


'Who said my Nonno's dead?'


Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your

grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'





'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.


The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,

'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'


At this point the doctor is close to losing it.

'Getting married? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'


'Who said he wanted to get married?"