Thread: Jokes

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827".
Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed,
the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says.
"He's decomposing."

Spot this else where and nearly feel of my seat

Originally Posted by alien

Spot this else where and nearly feel of my seat

Nothing to see here Kyle.

Originally Posted by V8Ian

Nothing to see here Kyle.

There is a ? in a blue box!

If you're logged onto 4x4 earth there is.

A letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p...!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan

LEARN YOUR GRAMMAR!


SEX AND GOOD GRAMMAR
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ?This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ?1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.?
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: ?How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say ?1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.?
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!? Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for??


And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

I like it that we can laugh at ourselves!!


After living in Shanghai for fifty years, a Chinese man decides to move to Australia.

He buys a small piece of land near Mt. Isa. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

He goes next door but, on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about ten hens. Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again but, just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later, he decides to give it one last go but, on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, "Jeez mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are ****ing in a glass and drinking it and then today, you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about crap on you."

The Chinese man is taken aback and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing; these Australian customs.''
"What do you mean mate?" says the Aussie. "Those aren't Australian customs!"
"Yes they are," replied the Chinese man. "Travel-agent man say to become true blue Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink **** and listen to bull-****.?