Thread: Jokes

Technically-savvy newlywed Wife was briefly apart from her Beloved, sent him a romantic text...

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams...if you're eating, send me a taste, - If you're smiling - send me your smile and if you're weeping - send my your tears...
I love You. xxx "

Husband, not as romantically inclined (normal bloke...) replied:-
"Am on toilet, - please advise?"

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up?
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

The general formed his troops into a semi-circle, with nineteen radial lines, ten degrees between them.

He was expecting a protracted campaign.

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
​​
The night with her for $500. They did their thing,
And, before he left, he told her that he did
Not have any cash with him, but he would have his
Secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
The payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
Done, realizing that the whole event had not been
Worth the price.
So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your
Apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
Because when I rented the place, I was under the
Impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
Returned the check for $250 with the following note:
'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
Beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
Know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
Regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
To fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
To contact your present landlady... !!

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

New Year's Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have.

This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

People treat New Year's like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.

I'll remember 2015 like it was yesterday

Dear Luck, can we be friends in 2016 Please?

Dear God, my prayer for 2015 is a FAT bank account and a THIN body. Please don't mix it up like you did this year.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Year's Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.

Every year I make a resolution to change myself....... this year making a resolution to be myself!

New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking.

What's the problem with jogging on New Year's Eve? The ice falls out of your drinks!

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.



The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!"



Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old

German Shepherd exclaims loudly,



"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"



Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.



"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"



Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.



The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.



The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"



Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...



This made me smile!



"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"



Moral of this story...



Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bull **** and brilliance only come with age and experience.



If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.



Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.



You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

Isn't this the truth.

The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.