Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by bob10

From the Friday 5 funnies



Recently, I was diagnosed with : A.A.A.D.D . - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the table that I collected from the letter box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that it is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the cup of tea I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the tea aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The tea is getting cold, and I decide to put it in the microwave to warm it up. As I head toward the kitchen with the tea, a vase of flowers on the bench catches my eye - they need water. I put the tea on the bench and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote control, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the front room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote control back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a cold cup of tea sitting on the bench, the flowers don't have clean water, - there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote control, I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

So clever & very haunting, this sounds like my daily routines just different tasks.

This is why pensioners never have any spare time.

Husband & Wife......!



A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.'

SWMBO is getting a bit hard of hearing.
Not really a problem, I just have to speak loudly & slowly to her.

Anyway, the other day she was driving me into town when the police pulled her over.
The cop said "You were speeding!", SWMBO turns to me "What did he say?" "HE SAID YOU WERE SPEEDING!"
Then the cop says "Can I see your licence?"
SWMBO asks "What did he say?", "HE ASKED TO SEE YOUR LICENCE."
The cop looks at her licence & says "I see your from Charleville, I used be stationed there. In fact I remember going on a Blind Date there, turned out to be the Ugliest girl I've ever meet."
"What did he say?"

"HE SAID HE KNOWS YOU!"

The local news station was interviewing an 80 year woman because she had just been married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting" the newsman thought

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they had all done for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

A smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties.
Then a circus ringmaster when in her forties.
It was a preacher in her sixties.
And now, in her eighties, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiles and explained: "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go"

Q: What's the best thing about being 104?
A: No peer pressure.

Sent from my SM-G900I using AULRO mobile app

Q: What sort of shoes do Frogs wear?

A: Open Toad sandals

Where's the 'groan' smilie?