Thread: Jokes

A most relieving punch line.

A lawyer died, and arrived at the Pearly Gates. He spied St Peter, and complained. "It's not fair" he said, "I'm only 42". St Peter replied " We are using a new system. It's based on billable hours, and according to our records you are 157."

Two old guys are playing chess in a retirement home, when one of the old ladies runs by streaking. The one says to the other "Wow, did you see what Mary was just wearing?' to which the the other replies "No, but whatever it was it sure needed ironing"

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'




'Because you got an F in sex.'

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75yo farmer who's hand was caught in a squeeze gate while moving his cattle from yard to yard the Doctor passed a bit of time by having a yarn with the old farmer.

Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and there roll as our leaders.

The old farmer said, Well as I see it, most Politicians are Post Turtles.

Not being familiar with the term, the Doctor asked him "What's a Post Turtle".

The old farmer said, when you are driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Turtle balanced on top of it, That's a Post Turtle.

The old farmer noticed a puzzled look on the Doctors face so he continued to explain.
You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function and you just wonder, what type of idiot put him up there to begin with.

A verb, a preposition, an article, and a noun
walk into a bar

Originally Posted by Toxic_Avenger

A verb, a preposition, an article, and a noun
walk into a bar

They're there with their friends.

Hear here.