Thread: Jokes

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.




Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.




The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."




Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.




Below are 11 replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?




1. Who the hell is this?






2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?






3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?






4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?






5. I don't understand what you mean?






6. What the hell did you do now?






7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?






8. Am I dreaming?






9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.






10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.






11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?






Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn't it?

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS

Yesterday, I was at the local Woolworths Store buying a large bag of "My Dog" dog food for my loyal pet, and was in the queue at the checkout when the woman behind me asked me if I had a dog.

What did she think I had - a bloody elephant ???

So, since I get annoyed easily these days by stupid people asking stupid questions, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog - I was starting on the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time - but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way it works is that you load your pockets with My Dog nuggets, and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try the diet again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story).

Horrified, the woman asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the bloke behind her in the queue was going to have a heart attack - he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolworths.