Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by V8Ian

Coz they're the (expletive deleted) who inflicted Peugeots upon the rest of the world, ain't that reason enough?
YouTube

Thank you Ian. Could we at least know what the expletive begins with?

Originally Posted by cuppabillytea

Thank you Ian. Could we at least know what the expletive begins with?

*, bugger, the filter got me.

Originally Posted by V8Ian

*, bugger, the filter got me.

Argh tha ****ing **** of a filter.

****, that's ****ing ****ed!

And the sentence above is grammatically correct.

DL

Originally Posted by 350RRC

****, that's ****ing ****ed!

And the sentence above is grammatically correct.

DL

I'd say it must be better than correct. You got 12 stars for it.

Originally Posted by bob10

When Ireland declared war on France

Long ago, Jacques Chirac, The French President, was sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

I'm unsure re WW2, but by WW1 standards even 200,000 men in the French Army would've been (I'm pretty sure) way too small a number. Plausible that he increased the numbers that quickly though based on their system of having every male trained and ready to go. Just call them to get their weapon and gear and away they go. I seem to recall that the average time in WW1 for a Frenchman between called up and onto the front line was something like a mere 3 weeks. And before anyone starts bagging the French as a bunch of cheese eating surrender monkeys, they did have a pretty darn fantastic bunch of soldiers.

Originally Posted by carjunkieanon

they did have a pretty darn fantastic bunch of soldiers.

maybe they should try showing up to a war...

Originally Posted by Eevo

maybe they should try showing up to a war...

Google Image Result for https://i.imgur.com/dfWGP3E.gif