Jokes

**Eevo** · 22nd October 2020, 11:20 PM

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a ****** then!"

**Eevo** · 23rd October 2020, 02:28 AM

A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier:
"I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."
So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.
The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...
One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said:
"No, you might have a snake in there."
The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and screamed:
"That smells like ****."
The lady replied:
"It is... I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper please."

**4bee** · 23rd October 2020, 09:56 AM

Originally Posted by 350RRC

Hands win, hands down.

A bit of both. What is the prize, a 1 litre bottle of Hand Sanitiser?

**NavyDiver** · 23rd October 2020, 10:16 AM

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, "what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?"He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to **** yourself when I tell you the price!

**Eevo** · 24th October 2020, 02:53 PM

Two monkeys in a bath, one says "OOH OOH AAH AAH!" the other says "if it's too hot put some cold water in".

**sashadidi** · 24th October 2020, 06:51 PM

download (5).jpg

**sashadidi** · 24th October 2020, 06:51 PM

188.jpg

**Old Farang** · 24th October 2020, 07:26 PM

Originally Posted by sashadidi

download (5).jpg

Stolen from the Internet:

When I worked in maritime communications there was an owner of a particular stink-boat who would get his friends to book radiotelephone calls just so he could hear my coast station calling the "Far Queue 2". He'd never answer. The bastard would just chortle to himself while ****ed on red wine as "Far Queue 2" was called every two hours on the traffic lists.

**350RRC** · 24th October 2020, 07:49 PM

Originally Posted by Old Farang

Stolen from the Internet:

Related to the numberplate thread.

You just reminded me what the numbers on my XD plates were after FKQ . The next was a 2.

DL

**V8Ian** · 24th October 2020, 10:06 PM

Originally Posted by Old Farang

Stolen from the Internet:

What happened to Foxtrot Quebec?

Thread: Jokes

Thread Tools

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions