Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by Gav 110

As with most films 4bee, I fall asleep after about 15minutes
I’ve seen it 3 times and not seen the end (I don’t think I’ve even seen past the middle of the movie), but what I have seen, I can’t remember

The wife refuses to take me to the cinema, as I embarrass her with my snoring (and farting)*

Odd that. I can't recall the end either so maybe I was also heading for the land of nodzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Indoors will know though, she always does.
I think his missus leaves him so maybe she was bored out of her brain as well & he had no-one? Or that may have been another recent fillum.

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.- Why, Putin asks him?


- Ah, I can't find myself with these times:
- I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep,
- I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening,
- I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday,
- I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.


- Well, these are just minor awkwardness, Putin answered him
- Any minor issues? Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I call them to express my condolences, but the plane hasn't taken off yet !!

Moscow. Two friends meet:
How are you, Sasha?
Serghei, my friend, life is great!
Really? Have you read the newspapers?
Of course, how else would I know?

During the cold war the US military commissioned a supercomputer that could predict the future. When it was built three generals ware invited to the demonstration. The first asked the machine: "Will there be a third world war?". The computer beeped and said "Yes". The second general asked: "Is it going to be against the USSR?". The computer beeped and said "Yes". The third general was not convinced by those answers, so he decided to ask something more difficult. He went to the computer and asked it, "How much will a bottle of Coca-Cola cost in New York after the war?" Everybody laughed, but the machine started beeping like crazy and after a few minutes when it stopped it said: "Five rubles."

An old woman stands in the market with a “Chernobyl mushrooms for sale" sign. A man goes up to her and demands: "Hey, what are you doing? Who's going to buy Chernobyl mushrooms?” / “Well, lots of people. Some for their boss, others for their mother-in-law...”

Reagan to Castro : " Your country's economy is in such bad shape, your doctors need to prostitute themselves to survive ! "
Castro to Reagan : " You're wrong, our education system is so amazing our prostitutes have doctor diplomas ! "

Gorbachev comes to the United States to meet with Reagan for an official visit, and spends the night in the Lincoln bedroom. The next morning the two meet again over breakfast:
Reagan asks: "Well, Mr. Premier, did you enjoy the Lincoln bedroom? How did you sleep?
Gorby replies: "Oh, Mr. President, it was wonderful! I slept like baby, had most pleasant dream!"
Reagan: "Oh? What was it?"
Gorby: "I dreamed I was soaring high over DC, and there was big flag with writing on it, waving over White House. The writing said, "Soviet States of America"!
Amazed, Reagan responds: "Really?! That's incredible! I had a very similar dream! I was soaring high over the streets of Moscow, and saw the Kremlin- it also had a big red flag with writing flying over it!"
Puzzled, Gorby asks: "So? Nothing unusual there...Kremlin always has big red flag flying over it. What did writing say?"
Reagan shrugged, and said: "Well, I don't know. I can't read Chinese."

Morning radio programme in Romania: "Comrades, comrade Ceausescu is waking up, let us wake up too!" 10 minutes later: "Comrades, comrade Ceausescu is working out, let us work out too!" 10 more minutes later: "Comrades, comrade Ceausescu is taking a shower, let us take a shower too!" Again 10 minutes later: "Comrades, comrade Ceausescu is having breakfast, so in the meantime here is some music!"