Thread: Jokes

this is to funny!



A story I heard...

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'

two urban yuppie blondes were lost in the forest when they came across a set of tracks, standing in the middle of them they argued over weather they were rabbit tracks and should therefor befollowed north or kangaroo tracks and should be followed south. The argument raged for a good 20 minutes before the southbound 11:15 freight train ploughed into them.

Two hobos were looking for a quick dollar, so they knocked on the door of a random house and asked if they had any chores for them. The lady said they were planning a party for her son, but they could go around the back of the shed and chop some timber for a few dollars.

Meanwhile the phone rings, its the clown, he cant make it to the party. The mother is looking out the window, wondering what she can do, when she spots one of the hobe doing magnificient cartwheels and summersaults through the air. She runs out to the other hobo, and asks him, "Would your friend do that again at my son's party for $100?"

He replies, "Hang on, ill ask him, "Hey Larry, would you chop off another toe for $100?"
Tango

An Irish Daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff .... dad .... I became a prostitute "

"Ye what??!! Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad .... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership in the country club..." ... (takes a breath) ... "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and ...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff .... a prostitute, dad! .... sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old dad a hug!"
Tango

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned and replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said,

'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
Tango

Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into
the clouds. After climbing to the first cloud he met a smelly,
unattractive woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder
to success." This was not a hard choice for Jack. Jack ran up the
ladder.

At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said,
"Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Figuring it only
gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder further up.

At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said, "Have
sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Since things were
getting better the higher he got, Jack chose to climb the ladder
even further.

At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace
the universe. She looked at him seductively and begged, "Have sex
with me or climb the ladder to success." Jack was extremely tempted
to satisfy his urges but figuring it could only get better, he chose
to climb the ladder at least one more time.


At the fifth cloud, Jack was startled when a greasy, 200 kg.. naked
man grabbed him. Jack screamed, "Who are you?"
The man replied, "I'm Cess."

A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: "It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story."
The fellow gave the owner his $12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!"

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it .... and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"**** no!" said the bloke, "I came back to see if you've got [some references deleted which do not affect the joke] an Indian spin bowler...

And that's funny because...?