Thread: Jokes

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FAMOUS LAST WORDS
“Are you sure the power is off?”
“Don't be so superstitious.”
“He's probably just hibernating.”
“I can do that with my eyes closed.”
“I can make this light before it changes.”
“I wonder where the mother bear is?”
“I'll get a world record for this.”
“I'll hold it and you light the fuse.”
“I'm making a citizen's arrest.”
“It's fireproof.”
“It's probably just a rash.”
“It's strong enough for both of us.”
“I've done this before.”
“I've seen this done on TV.”
“Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.”
“Let it down slowly.”
“Nice doggie.”
“Now watch this...”
“Pull the pin and count to what?”
“Rat poison only kills rats.”
“So, you're a cannibal...”
“That's odd.”
“The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!”
“These are the good kind of mushrooms.”
“This doesn't taste right.”
“Well, we've made it this far.”
“What does this button do?”
“What, duck??”
“Which wire was I supposed to cut?”
“You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?”

The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a pay raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his pay.
After six children, this rule had become very costly, so the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's ever increasing salary.
A great deal of yelling and bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and stated. "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand and eventually said in a frail voice. "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber boots."
The entire congregation said in unison..... "Amen.....

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How many hill-billies does it take to eat a possum?

Two, one to eat it and one to watch for cars.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have been out today."

Are you sure this is a Joke ?

To me it reads like a Spudfan true story.

though in his case, a peat spade ,not a shotgun.