Thread: Jokes

A golfer is cupping his hands to scoop water from a burn at st andrews.

A Greenkeeper shouts "Dinnae drink tha waater ets foo ae coos ****e and pish "

The golfer replies "My good fellow I'm from England could you repeat that for me in English"

The Greenkeeper replies "I said use two hands you will spill less that way "

A wife asks her husband,

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,

And if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

(If you're female, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Males will get it the first time.)

WOMEN -

Two female friends are catching up:

- So, how was your evening last night?

- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.

And you?

- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing stary sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...


MEN -


Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:


- So, how was your evening last night?

- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I
switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these bloody candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so ****ed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied,
"Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So 'you're' here to service 'them.' Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

Lubricant





Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!

'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,




'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'


She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a f””kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.

re: "interesting question" thread elsewhere.

My first response to the question, "How many people have ever been born?"

Now I'm no expert, with no higher education, or experience, which could help me put an exact figure on it.....

.....but I would have to hazard a guess as to "All of them!"

Dan.
69 2A 88" pet4 (still in disguise), 68 2B FC pet6 (still resting quietly, for sale), 73 S3 109" pet4 (next project), plus 12 other parts cars.

Originally Posted by dandlandyman

re: "interesting question" thread elsewhere.

My first response to the question, "How many people have ever been born?"

Now I'm no expert, with no higher education, or experience, which could help me put an exact figure on it.....

.....but I would have to hazard a guess as to "All of them!"

Dan.
69 2A 88" pet4 (still in disguise), 68 2B FC pet6 (still resting quietly, for sale), 73 S3 109" pet4 (next project), plus 12 other parts cars.

What gave birth to the first people.......?

Originally Posted by Fifth Columnist

What gave birth to the first people.......?

the chicken!