Reply With QuoteThe class of 8 year olds learned the meaning of "extinguish " and for homework had to use it in a sentance. One of the little darlings submitted "Every night, before I go to bed, I extinguish the cat. "
True tale.
AT REST
SubscriberAn old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
Roger
Super Moderator
The class of 8 year olds learned the meaning of "extinguish " and for homework had to use it in a sentance. One of the little darlings submitted "Every night, before I go to bed, I extinguish the cat. "
True tale.
If you don't like trucks, stop buying stuff.
Master
Master
When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different
A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
?No, they went to town."
"How about your brother Howard? is he here??
?No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
?Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...then says, "you'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon, so get out your check book. LOL
I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.
As you know, I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favourite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding."
Lots of love and thanks,
Your favourite daughter,
Lilly
Dads reply ....also by texting
My Dear Lilly,
Like Wow! Really? Cool!
Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal.
And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on EBay.
Your favourite Dah Dah
Super Moderator
[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxaCfJfw6AY[/ame]
If you don't like trucks, stop buying stuff.
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young' pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
TopicToaster
Originally part of Gerrard Hofnung's speech to the Oxford Union in the 1950s.Originally Posted by V8Ian
Swaggie
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. `
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honour, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
Wizard
SubscriberGRANDFATHER OF THE YEAR!!
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson.
He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.
The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there?.
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. and Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading is groceries and the boy into the car. She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thanks", says the grandfather, "but I'm William, this little bastard's name is Kevin".
D4 2.7litre
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