Thread: Jokes

An Asylum Seeker picks up a hooker in Sydney.

'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

He says 'Do you do Asylum Seeker style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do it Asylum Seeker style'

'No', she says, not knowing what Asylum Seeker style is.

'I pay you $300'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Asylum Seeker style."

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Asylum Seeker Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Asylum Seeker style'?'

The Asylum Seeker replies 'You send da bill to da Gub'ment'.

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One!"

The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The Aussie Answered "124,237 pounds"

The manager choked and exclaimed "124,237 POUNDS!! What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Discovery".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell m e....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."

Four men who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom.

Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said,
"My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful
company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate
ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became
so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes
for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to
become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a
brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:
A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing
as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame ... what a disappointment." The
fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks
ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet
and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME ????





Can you cry under water?

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

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Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

'What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!'

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel..
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Four guys are driving cross-country together, one from South Australia, one from Tassie, one from Queensland, and the last one is from Victoria.

A bit down the road the Tasmanian starts to pull apples from his bag and throws them out the window. The South Australian turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The Tasmanian says, "Mate, we have so many of these damned things in Tassie they're lying around on the ground. I'm sick of looking at them!"

A few miles down the road, the South Australian begins pulling bottles of wine from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The Queenslander asks "What are you doing that for?"
The South Australian replies, "Man, we have so much of this damn stuff in South Australia I'm sick of looking at them!"

Inspired by the others, the Queenslander opens the car door and pushes out the Victorian.

Originally Posted by donh54

... da Gub'ment'.

Reminds me of this one:

Keith, and industrious indigenous Australian, gets a new job working for Cleanaway in roadside collection, in sunny downtown Walgett.
Towards the end of his run, he pulls up to his mate Robbo's place, noticing that his rubbish is not on the kerb like everyone else's. Suddenly, he spies Robbo poking about in the garden.
"Eh cuz!" he yells out across the yard "Wheres ya bin bro?"
Startled, Robbo looks up from the garden "I bin here mate!"
"I said where's ya BIN... cuz?" Keith says again.
"I said, I bin HERE Bro!!!" Replies Robbo.
Getting fed up, Keith jumps out of his big blue truck and walks up to his mate to ask the question one last time "Where's ya WHEELY BIN bro?"
With a smile, and a slight whisper, Robbo says "Well I wheely bin in Long Bay Gaol for 6 months, but don't tell anyone, eh!"