Thread: Jokes

Police Officer to driver stopped for going the wrong way down a one way street " I'm going to have to fine you for driving down this one way street"
Driver "But I was only going one way!"
Officer "Didn't you see the arrows?"
Driver "Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians!"

I found out my girlfriend is a ghost.


I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

One day a man decided to retire...


He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.


He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.


After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.


In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"


She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."


"Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."


"But, where did you get the tools?"


"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."


The guy is stunned.


"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.


While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home.


Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"


"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."


"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."


No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.


"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"


When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.


"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"


She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.


"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Motorcycle?”.....

Someone broke into the local police station and swapped all the lip balm for super glue.


Police remain tight lipped about the situation.

Eevo, 75-80 years ago you would have been sent to The Russian Front for those jokes.

Yeah the Eastern Front too Eevo, no place for sissies either.

Originally Posted by BradC

Mario has been in WA for about 5 years. Came over on the BOAC with the family and got a job as a logger. He's done well, and after several letters home his mate Luigi comes out with his family.

Mario gets Luigi a job with the logging firm. Luigi gives him a lift to work on Monday, is handed his chainsaw and heads out into the forest with Mario. They are assigned their areas and off they go.

Monday afternoon, Mario and Luigi are packing up.
Luigi : "Hey Mario, how many trees you cutta downa today?"
Mario : "Gee Luigi, I cutta down 5 trees. Dey were biga ones ey."
Luigi : "Jesus Christ, I only cutta down 2 trees!"

They head off home for spaghetti and Marios home made Grappa (don't tell the ATO).

Tuesday they head off to work, pick up their chainsaws and head out into the forest.

Tuesday afternoon, Mario and Luigi are packing up.
Luigi : "Hey Mario, how many trees you cutta downa today?"
Mario : "Gee Luigi, I cutta down 6 trees. Last one was a littlie."
Luigi : "Jesus Christ, I only cutta down 3 trees!"

This repeats until the end of the week.

Luigi : "Hey Mario, how many trees you cutta downa today?"
Mario : "Luigi, I cutta down 4 trees. Lasta one was hooge."
Luigi : "Jesus Christ, I only cutta down 1 tree!"
Mario : "Hey Luigi, maybe therea something wronga with your saw, letta me takea look".

Luigi hands Mario his saw. Mario puts it on the ground, foot on the handle, choke on, pulls the rope and it roars into life.
Luigi shouting over the racket : "HEY MARIO, Watta dat noise?"

He now sells land rover parts

Is it true that "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"? Or is it one of Granny's myths?