Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by Dorian

What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?

Ian.

I resemble that remark.

An old man asks his wife: "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

Just passed my interview for a guillotine operator in France.
I'll beheading there shortly.

I have figured out how to get women to say yes.
Ask "Am I bothering you?"
They say "Yes".

How to break lockdown Russian style where if you walk your pets for exercise you can leave your apartment for 100 metres..
Take your cat for a walk in the snow...

https://mobile.twitter.com/olliecarr...47764019843072

I've recently been dating a homeless woman. Things are getting serious. She wants me to move out with her.

Barrack Obama, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in an airplane that crashes.

Next thing you know they're up in heaven and standing before God.

God addresses Barrack first: "Barrack... what do you believe in?"

Barrack replies "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFC's and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die". God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left".

God then addresses Hillary Clinton: " Hillary, what do you believe in?"

Hillary replies "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain".

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right".

God then address Donald Trump: "Donald, what do you believe?" Donald replies "I believe you're in my chair!"

Blonde goes to the doctor

"Doctor...it hurts when I press here," she says, touching her side...

"and it hurts here too, " as she presses her arm...

"and here , and here , and here ", as she presses other parts of her body.

After a full examination , she asks him, "what's wrong with me?"

the doctor says..."you have a broken finger."