Thread: Jokes

'If the Enemy is in range, so are you.'
Infantry Journal

'It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed'
U.S. Air Force Manual

'Aim towards the Enemy'
Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

'When the pin is pulled, Mr.Grenade is not our friend.'
U.S. Marine Corps

'Cluster bombing from B 52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground.'
USAF Ammo Troop

Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
General MacArthur

Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.'
Infantry Journal

You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you come with me.
U.S. Marine Gunnery Sgt.

Tracers work both ways.'
U.S. Army Ordnance

Five second fuses only last three seconds'
Infantry Journal

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
volunteer to do anything.'
U.S. Navy Swabbie

'Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.'
David Hackworth

'If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.'
Infantry Journal

'No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.'
Joe Gay

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
unknown

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
Unknown Marine Recruit

'Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.

'If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.'
USAF Ammo Troop

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'

'Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.'
From an old carrier sailor

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter and therefore, unsafe.'

'When one engine fails on a twin engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'

'Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.'

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up.... The pilot dies.'

'Never trade luck for skill.'

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: 'Why is it doing that?', 'Where are we?' And 'Oh ****!'

'Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.'

'Airspeed, altitude and brains.
Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully. '

'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'

'Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries.'

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

'A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.'
Jon McBride, astronaut

'If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.'
Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot )

'A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.'
Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

'Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.'

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'

Basic Flying Rules: 'Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.'

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'.
The pilot's reply, 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

Richmond Tigers ( AFL FC ) football practice was delayed, nearly two hours late this morning after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
Initially the Club thought it was a prank by new recruit Ben Cousins,!!

however Head coach, Terry Wallace immediately suspended practice while police and ASIO were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, Victorian Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line.

Practice will resume this afternoon after Police & ASIO decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

BEST SHORT STORY OF THE MONTH

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"BUGGER !" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary....."

Subject: Involuntary response

A professor at the University of Canberra was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your **** hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom

Beer contains female hormones
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer
consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops
contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into
women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously! wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.

Theres 4 types of orgasms....

theres the positive...

when youve got her going oh yessss, yess oh yes....

the negative.

when shes giving it, no, nooooo oh nooo no...

the religious which goes thusly, god, god, Ohhh God thats good.

and the fake orgasm which goes something like this.


Oh Dobbo.

Originally Posted by Blknight.aus

AN ENGINEER’S THOUGHT FOR CHRISTMAS

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second -- 3,000 times the speed of sound.

For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run at 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.



Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas.

No wonder the safety-cam can't catch him