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Thread: Jokes

  1. 24th February 2013, 10:40 AM #2171
    Modelsp
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    Marriage & Virgins

    A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
    On their wedding night, she told her new husband to ‘Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin’.

    ‘What?’ said the puzzled groom.

    ‘How can that be possible if you’ve been married ten times.?’

    ‘Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he’d look into it and get back with me..
    Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
    Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

    Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. .

    Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was …
    God I miss him.

    ‘But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited’.
    ‘Wonderful’, said the husband, ‘but why?
    To which she replied,
    ‘You’re with the ‘GOVERNMENT‘ . ..
    This time I KNOW I’M gonna get SCREWED.

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  2. 24th February 2013, 10:50 AM #2172
    Modelsp
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    Pay back (another good one)





    One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight.

    Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down...
    We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

    We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

    The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.

    He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

    My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don'tforget to wash her, she stinks.'
    He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

    My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.

    The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

    They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,

    with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

    The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,    who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

    The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

    A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

    He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,

    'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.

    We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!

    Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant!

    God only knows who the father is!'

    Then he closed the door.
    The silence was deafening.

    Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

























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  3. 24th February 2013, 10:56 AM #2173
    Modelsp
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    Anniversary

    After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.”

    “Now ... We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

    Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
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  4. 27th February 2013, 06:50 AM #2174
    Modelsp
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    Weight Loss

    The Doctor told me that SEX was the best way to lose weight.
    I said look Doc,I don't think 2 minutes every 3 months is gunna shift this.
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  5. 28th February 2013, 02:36 AM #2175
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    "Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"















    She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.


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  6. 1st March 2013, 07:45 AM #2176
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    SCOTTISH COMPASSION



    A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.




    He had no arms and no legs.




    Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.




    The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"




    The man said "No," so she gave him a big hug and walked on.




    The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"




    The man said, "No," so she gave him a passionate kiss and walked on.




    The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ye ever been f****d laddie?"




    The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".




    She said, "Aye, well ye will be when the tide comes in."
    I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having meetings to discuss gathering food

    A bookshop is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking
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  7. 3rd March 2013, 06:32 PM #2177
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    Paddy weighs 20 stone so doctor puts him on a diet....

    I want you to eat normal for two days then skip a day...eat for two days and skip a day...continue this for two weeks then come back, you should have lost 5lb.

    When Paddy returned the doctor was shocked as Paddy was 4stones lighter....'thats amazing ' said the doc, 'tell you be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day... 'What from the hunger? asked the Doc...................

    no....paddy replied....from the ****in skipping

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  8. 3rd March 2013, 06:34 PM #2178
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    englishman, irishman and a scotsman sitting in a pub.
    The scotsman says "are'nt women stupid my wife just bought a car and she can't even drive"
    thats nothing says the englishman "my wife's on a diet and she's not even fat"
    thats nowt says irishman "my wife's taken 30 condoms to ibiza and she hasn't even got a ****!

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  9. 3rd March 2013, 10:12 PM #2179
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    I love Ebay, it's brilliant.

    Just sold my homing pigeon for the eighth time this month...
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  10. 6th March 2013, 09:00 PM #2180
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    In honour of the passing of Hugo Chavez, I have had his initials inscribed onto my bathroom taps.
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