Thread: Jokes

The Italian Lover
A virile middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No.
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish??
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear....
"No, I Norwegian."

Two old mates were barramundi fishing up in the gulf during the summer.

Unfortunately one dropped dead so his mate loaded him into the back of his defender and drove to Brisbane , which took 3 days.

He called into a police station to notify the death and the sergeant said, "he must be pretty smelly by now".

The old mate said, " nah, he's not too bad really , I gutted him."

The mushroom liked to party because he was a Fungui.

bloke walks into the doctor and says, "every time I fart it sounds like honda"

the doc says , "ok drop your dacks , bend over and lets have a look around"

the doc is ummimg and ahhring and says , " are you able to fart now "?

the bloke says , "ok I'll try"....sure enough he farts and yes "HONDA"

the doc says "yep, that's ok, put your dacks back on"

the bloke says , "can you see whats wrong"?

the doc says , "yes, you have an abscess on your arse"

the guy says " yeah I know , but whats with the sound"?

the doc says , "oh thats easy to explain , abscess makes the fart go Honda "

That's so bad.
Even my dad wouldn't make a joke that bad....
then again...

Before I go to the land of nod, the answer. When you are driving down a country road, & you come across a turtle on top of a fence post, that's a post turtle. Why is it like a politician?


You know it didn't get up there by itself, it doesn't belong there, it doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function , and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with. Sleep tight all is good in the World. Bob

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in the dog’s mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, the butcher takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes his shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, the dog walks around to the front and looks at the number of the bus then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck at what he is seeing. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off the bus.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag of lamb chops on the step. The dog goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again.
No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and goes back and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens the door and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds,"Genius, my arse !”
It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

SOME BREAKING NEWS!!!

Just heard the local Muslim optician has passed away.
Asif Eyecare