Jokes

**Avion8** · 26th October 2016, 05:37 PM

Went out last night for Halloween dressed as a chicken

Met a girl dressed as an egg.

A lifelong question was answered.

It was the chicken.

**67hardtop** · 26th October 2016, 06:11 PM

Originally Posted by Avion8

Went out last night for Halloween dressed as a chicken

Met a girl dressed as an egg.

A lifelong question was answered.

It was the chicken.

PMSL

Sent from my GT-I9507 using AULRO mobile app

**jonesfam** · 27th October 2016, 09:00 AM

Teach your kids to Love Land Rovers.

They will never have enough money for Drugs!

**Fatso** · 28th October 2016, 11:56 AM

Standing in the Park , i was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets . Then it hit me ....... .

**jonesfam** · 28th October 2016, 12:35 PM

This may have been on here before?

A husband & wife are setting up their new computer.

To set up the password the husband typed "Mypenis"

The wife nearly died laughing when the computer said "Password Too Short."

**hodgo** · 29th October 2016, 06:26 PM

A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender looks at the drunk man and replies, "I am sorry, sir, but I cannot serve you... you already had too much to drink."

The guy swears and walks out of the bar.

Five minutes later the guy comes flying through a side door of the bar, yelling for a beer.

Again the bartender refuses, "I am sorry, sir...but I cannot serve you...you already had too much to drink!"

Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barreling through the back door, storms up to the bar, and demands a beer.

Again, the bartender tells the man, "I am really sorry, sir, but you had too much to drink...you must leave!"

The boozer looks quizzically at the bartender, finally asks him, "My God, man! How many bars do you work for?!!!"
________________________________________

**hodgo** · 30th October 2016, 03:29 PM

click to enlarge sorry I don't know how to past in larger size

**Bytemrk** · 30th October 2016, 03:39 PM

There you go Hodgo.... fixed it for you

**d2dave** · 30th October 2016, 06:11 PM

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure this little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of god had captured her attention.
He noticed that she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs," her father replied.

"So the other one is a mummy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied,
"No dear", both of them are daddy long legs."

The little girl, looking a bit puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them both flat.

"Well" she said

"WE'RE NOT HAVING ANY OF THAT SAME SEX **** IN OUR GARDEN!"

**lewy** · 2nd November 2016, 07:56 AM

Dead Duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out Of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150

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