Thread: Jokes

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!

Teacher: Where the hell do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because I f***king have 1 at home.

Originally Posted by DeeJay

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts
of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian
racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of
pigs around the globe.
Has any one else noticed this?


It gets worse........
next year......



2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

And isn't 2011 the year of the (big) pussy?

A Wise Ol' Biker
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to
a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike
and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors,
he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2..50 CHICKEN SANDWICH:
$3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment,
the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally
attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple

of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. "Yes?" she
inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady,"

he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes,

yes, I sure am".The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear
whispers

softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger"

[ame="http://s99.photobucket.com/albums/l295/hiline_01/?action=view&current=Penguin.flv"]Penguin.flv video by hiline_01 - Photobucket[/ame]

this one might be a touch to suggestive

[ame=http://s99.photobucket.com/albums/l295/hiline_01/?action=view&current=TooManySweets.flv]TooManySweets.flv video by hiline_01 - Photobucket[/ame]

OldTimer Sex





This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!





The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'





Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'



OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'



Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'



A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.. So he follows them.



The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.



The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in....



Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.



Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.



The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.



After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.



So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'











Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Spoons

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how Consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to Pierre 's restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well', he explained, ‘the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.

After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.

'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.

I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same sort of string hanging from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.

'Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm also mentioned they had found out that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent. ‘

I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

A bloody good reason for not eating out