Thread: Jokes

THE VICAR'S FALSE TEETH

Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The firstSunday afterhe gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The followingSunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains, the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums still hurt, so he could only talk for about 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put hisWives' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

A judge was interviewing a man regarding his pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
He replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."


"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.


"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?'
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my wife's parents."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"


"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."


"Sir, do you ever beat your wife up?"


"Yes," he responded, "about twice a week I get up earlier than she does."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Guy, why are you getting a divorce?"


He replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My wife does. She said she can't communicate with me."

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twitterific, Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone within 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying and rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and, while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "It doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."

Is Proofreading a Dying Art?


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
R eally?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something
---------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge
------------------------------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

I was watching the footy show after another Dockers defeat a few years ago.
The commentator said "I think if they had played better the score might have been different"
REALLY???
Paul.

There was a news report on the radio about someone being attacked by a group of ten armed men. As if one ten-armed man was not scary enough.

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout
Wow! Did these sisters really have to wait in a supermarket checkout counter for 18 years?

This one for the New York post is a classic
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after the age of 25
Just wonder if this come from a doctorate thesis

From the Express Times:
Homicide victims rarely talk to police

The best of the bests!!!
Associated Press

Porn star sues over rear end collision

Originally Posted by Chucaro

[B]

This one for the New York post is a classic
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after the age of 25
Just wonder if this come from a doctorate thesis

So did they not notice a drop after age 20?