Embarrassment

[banjo]

Well today is a crappy ****faced day for me.I got up got ready went & got smokes & the paper ...Karen walked down the road yesterday & had to force herself not to go to the tattoo shop she wanted to but made sure she didn't & i feel bad about that ........

I haven't slept real good for ages now as neigther of us want to sleep on the lounge as its so uncomfortable & bloody cold .So i only sleep very lightly & not for very long as i'm worried i will roll over & throw my arm over Karen or worse grab something i shouldn't.....

I just want to die now for doing this to Karen , as she has done so much for me & i go & do this to the poor woman .....

My options if i have to go are back to mums or dads or i go into the James Fletcher & get Karen to admit me so i cant come out or back here till she signs me out..
If i go back to mums i feel so uncomfortable cause she is so far close to me you cant tell where i start or she finishes..If i go back to my oldmans well if i go for a shower well all them come in to have a chat thats what they do ,Have a stepsister who lives with them & they all bath together so they can chat ......OH YAY..

So i want to find some deep dark hole & die so everyone will be happy after a week or so they will all be free & happy to live how they want & Karen wont be worried about me at home by myself & she wont worry what sort of mood i willl be in when she comes home ...They would greive for a week & then it would all be great for them all ...
The more i think about it , it would solve everyones problems in one go..
I go through this on a daily basis & Karen shouldn't have to nor does she deserve this she told me last night that she just wants to die because of how she feels & she think she is just using me & making the kids unhappy.
Why have i made the most inportant person in my life feel this way its bad enough i go through this crap & i never ever wanted Karen to feel like i do most days .......

Mind you i did push through the **** & went got smokes , Paper & some money out in case the kids need money for school this week...

I still feel like **** & want to die so bad though. .. . . .

[Ausfree]

Banjo,NEVERuse a permanent solution to a temporary problem. From what I have seen of life suicide is a cowards way out, the people left behind are the ones to suffer despite what you might think now. ;) As far as I am concerned, if I live to 80, life is still not long enough, you only get one chance at this life so make the most of it!!!!:):)

[Ausfree]

Banjo, just a thought, I am no expert in situations like yours, I have had a lot of downs in life too as you know and I manage (just) to put a mental fence around them to contain them. But have you thought of contacting the "Black Dog Institute", I believe they deal with depression, Andrew Johns (the footballer) apparently has a lot to do with them!!!:) Only a thought, mate!!!!:)

[bblaze]

Hi Jason
I am afraid I agree with ausfree, you need to seek some profession help for yourself and that will also help Karen. Do it TODAY mate, you owe that to Karen and the kids. You have made great headway over the last few months but I think it is time to take the next step foward and not 100 steps back.
cheers
blaze

[banjo]

I just want everyones problems to go away & guess what i'm everyones problems in a nut shell..The only reason i haven't done anything about it is i dont want Karen or the kids to be the ones to find me & i keep breathing everyday cause of what i have they all keep me alive , But hey i can now go out on my own so theres nothing to worry about for them........

Karen is sitting out the front on the veranda in what sun there is out there & i was sitting with her ,Just not saying a thing so i came in here & its the same ......

Karen is who i talk to about everything & anything she is my best mate & i love her company & its now all gone ..NO i'm not just thinking of my self I am doing everything i can for Karen...

I seriously doubt i could see a shrink cause i would have to goto them & stay there just to talk or the consoltation.....

Its bad enough when i just goto the docs...

[banjo]

I wish i could go out on my own more & i wish i could do a hell of a lot more than i do do..
Belive me i do its so frustrating not being able to do things like most people do everyday . . . .

While Karen has been doing everything all the running around & stuff i always do the house work & washing & yard & i get tea ready & cook it so that when Karen does come home she doesn't have to do any of that & maybe we could spend time together but it never seems to workout that way ........Its like she doesn't want to spend time with me & i know now she doesn't at all...& i'm sure as soon as she is better i will be at mothers .......

[banjo]

I have no idea as to what to do outside of that Karen talks to me & listens to me we have always done things together & then i stopped as i let my problem get the better of me i know this but i cant help having the problem & it can't be cured unfortunatly other wise i would be normal not such a ****up retard .. I would give my life to get rid of my problem & be normal....

My ****ed up world sucks bigtime for everyone around me & the only people Karen & the kids have to suffer from it...ITS SO WRONG . . . . .

ITS funny i went to the tattoo shop with Karen the other week & i felt like such a retard it wasn't funny & i love to hang around these shops i used to design tattoo's for some shops now i cant even feel comfortable around them ..NOW i used to hang out with some of the ruffest tattooist in newcastle years ago & was close to them ONE comited cuicide just resently ONE is retired & writes children books & i haven't seen him in so long i doubt he would even know me now THE other i have no idea as to what or where he even is.. I brought my very first tattoo gun off the one that just comited cuicide & i didn't even know he had till Karen told me......
I do miss my thugish days a bit I was conferdant then & did some good things..
I don't draw anymore & i haven't held a tattoo gun in so long i wouldn't know what to do with it & its a shame cause now the kids would like to get some work done & fred is just the right age to teach as she can draw aswell & i wanted to teach her how to tattoo & use an airbrush cause she is real good at drawing ...

I do miss it to some degree i spose ..& i only dumped all my tattoo gear cause of my oldman winging & bitching about it all the time that i just dumped it all...GO FIGURE....

[banjo]

OOPS back soon i gotta run back down to aldi ...

[Narangga]

I just want to die now for doing this to Karen .....



Jason unfortunately there is just not ONE 'thing' that has caused where things are at in your house. That also means there is not just ONE 'thing' that you can do to cahnge it. It took years to get to this stage and so it ain't gunna be fixed overnight either.

Raed what Aus said above - he's right on the mark with that.



I have no idea as to what to do outside of that Karen talks to me & listens to me we have always done things together & then i stopped as i let my problem get the better of me i know this but i cant help having the problem & it can't be cured unfortunatly other wise i would be normal not such a ****up retard .. I would give my life to get rid of my problem & be normal....

My ****ed up world sucks bigtime for everyone around me & the only people Karen & the kids have to suffer from it...ITS SO WRONG . . . . .

ITS funny i went to the tattoo shop with Karen the other week & i felt like such a retard it wasn't funny & i love to hang around these shops i used to design tattoo's for some shops now i cant even feel comfortable around them ..NOW i used to hang out with some of the ruffest tattooist in newcastle years ago & was close to them ONE comited cuicide just resently ONE is retired & writes children books & i haven't seen him in so long i doubt he would even know me now THE other i have no idea as to what or where he even is.. I brought my very first tattoo gun off the one that just comited cuicide & i didn't even know he had till Karen told me......
I do miss my thugish days a bit I was conferdant then & did some good things..
I don't draw anymore & i haven't held a tattoo gun in so long i wouldn't know what to do with it & its a shame cause now the kids would like to get some work done & fred is just the right age to teach as she can draw aswell & i wanted to teach her how to tattoo & use an airbrush cause she is real good at drawing ...

I do miss it to some degree i spose ..& i only dumped all my tattoo gear cause of my oldman winging & bitching about it all the time that i just dumped it all...GO FIGURE....

I spent $000's learning to fly. Flew single engine planes for a bit over 7 years and haven't done it since.

Then spent a number of years looking after radio broadcasting and satellite gear and then got into looking after computers in a number of ways.

And now I sell stuff. I enjoyed what I did but that was in the past - its not what I am doing today or in the future, which is the important stuff.

Where is all the talk about camping and Fender doors for the Series??? Onward and upward mate.

[Gillie]

Lifeline Australia 13 11 14 - Suicide Prevention, Crisis Support & Mental Health services (http://www.lifeline.org.au/)

Anyone can call Lifeline. The 13 11 14 service offers a counselling service that respects everyone’s right to be heard, understood and cared for. We also provide information about other support services that are available in communities around Australia.


Might be a good start mate.

[banjo]

Jason unfortunately there is just not ONE 'thing' that has caused where things are at in your house. That also means there is not just ONE 'thing' that you can do to cahnge it. It took years to get to this stage and so it ain't gunna be fixed overnight either.

Raed what Aus said above - he's right on the mark with that.




I spent $000's learning to fly. Flew single engine planes for a bit over 7 years and haven't done it since.

Then spent a number of years looking after radio broadcasting and satellite gear and then got into looking after computers in a number of ways.

And now I sell stuff. I enjoyed what I did but that was in the past - its not what I am doing today or in the future, which is the important stuff.

Where is all the talk about camping and Fender doors for the Series??? Onward and upward mate.

Would be happy to go away somewhere ,would be even better if i could find some doors off a fender . . . .


Karen was out at charlstown today & ran into the lady i mentioned ages ago who was a very close friend to Karen & the ONLY person outside Karen that I trust with my life even still today..Fred said Karen was real happy to run into her ...Funny thing is i was actualy thinking of her lastnight cause of the friendship they had & i was going to text her to tell her a little about what has happend & ask if she mite be able to spare a little time to come & chat with KAren & myself to but after they have chated. . .. . .

Do use recon i should text her she seem to make Karen happy today & Karen was happy when she was telling me....??????

[Ausfree]

Lifeline Australia 13 11 14 - Suicide Prevention, Crisis Support & Mental Health services (http://www.lifeline.org.au/)

Anyone can call Lifeline. The 13 11 14 service offers a counselling service that respects everyone’s right to be heard, understood and cared for. We also provide information about other support services that are available in communities around Australia.


Might be a good start mate. Gillie, you say "WE also provide......" Do you work at Lifeline????:)

[Ausfree]

Banjo, you keep tiptoeing around the problem and seem to not to want to tackle the central issue, even though you appear to recognise it. If YOU WANT TO yes, contact this lady, if you think it helps, YOU, have to make the descision on this, also as Gillie suggested IF YOU WANT TO seek professional help and Lifeline seems a good place to start, they will steer you in the right direction.:) But you have to stop skirting the issue and make DIFFICULT AND POSITIVE descisions now, or if things continue as they are, descisions will be made for you, that you may not like by other people!!!;)

[Narangga]

Do use recon i should text her she seem to make Karen happy today & Karen was happy when she was telling me....??????

I am not you but if it were me I would ask Karen and find out if she is happy about it.

[banjo]

For the past 15 plus years i have delt with cuicidal depression its hasn't been any trouble as i push it to the back of my mind & it only pops up every so often years apart..With the experiance i have had with help lines i am very reluctant to use them now ...All have been no help & even had a couple of people laugh at me & i have hung up & vowed to never use one again .......

Every 4 or so years it pops its head up & i again push it to the back of my head .....

As for seeing a shrink for my agrerophobia its never helped before & i seriously doubt it will ...

I watched a doco on fox tel when we had it from the UK all about agerophobic people some shrink thought he new all the answers & got them out & even got them on a plane BUT it didn't help them in anyway what so ever after he had done all his theropy crap nothing worked & i do know that one of the people in the doco did comite cuicide after it all because of this shrink.....

There realy isn't any answers to it or cure IT is posable to control it to some degree ....BUT it will always pop its ugly head up now & again & then we have some trouble like a bad day ,I AM DETERMIND TO KEEP MY BAD DAY NO MORE THAN A WEEK AT MOST..After that i will be kicking myself in the head over it.. Same as the depression & the cuicide crap it will always be there i just push it to the back...
ITS the expectations people put on agerophobic people that eventualy put them back to the begining of it all ..I picked Aus up & gave him a lift home because i never told anyone except Karen that i was going to do it & when Aus got in he said to me are you going to be ok to drive me home I said don't know but we will soon find out THEN Aus said at any time you want to turn around just chuck me out & i will walk the rest of the way..THAT HELPED but i was also determend to do it all the way to Aus's house wether i got nervous or not.I would of also been to embarrest to say na i gotta turn around .As it turned out i was ok & i even stoped for a chat i didn't just leave & i went around the back so Aus could show me his wifes bird feeder he told me about ages ago..


PEOPLE & mainly my family & so called friends have put heaps of expectations on me so i haven't been able to make any headway because i end up back at the start of it..YOU guys don't do that so i ahve been able to do some stuff with out knowing as such because use don't expect it but when i do do something its good for all of us ......& thats what makes me able to do stuff KAren has never expected me to do stuff i & she knows i cant do but if i do the things i can its great ...I GOT LAZY ...No one knows that more than me ...Thats how i let Karen down over the last 12 months by being lazy....

So i do know where i went wrong ..

[banjo]

Fred was just telling me that Gail took Karen mobile number & would like to call in so i don't have to text her she is going to be in touch & we can meet again & chat.. So that would be good ..

[Gillie]

Gillie, you say "WE also provide......" Do you work at Lifeline????:)


No I don't, That was a copy and paste from their website as I thought it would give a bit more info into how they could help. Nothing about about Landrover doors though, but I guess that is why we have AULRO. :D

[banjo]

I will be off to mums in the next couple of weeks guys i am sure of that thats about all i'm sure of anymore . . . . . .

I will pickup a fridge & swag in that time so i have something to sleep in & to keep stuff in the fridge just a car one looking at some on ebay they are 50 or 55 ltrs...

[V8Ian]

For the past 15 plus years i have delt with cuicidal depression its hasn't been any trouble as i push it to the back of my mind & it only pops up every so often years apart..With the experiance i have had with help lines i am very reluctant to use them now ...All have been no help & even had a couple of people laugh at me & i have hung up & vowed to never use one again .......

Every 4 or so years it pops its head up & i again push it to the back of my head .....

As for seeing a shrink for my agrerophobia its never helped before & i seriously doubt it will ...

I watched a doco on fox tel when we had it from the UK all about agerophobic people some shrink thought he new all the answers & got them out & even got them on a plane BUT it didn't help them in anyway what so ever after he had done all his theropy crap nothing worked & i do know that one of the people in the doco did comite cuicide after it all because of this shrink.....

There realy isn't any answers to it or cure IT is posable to control it to some degree ....BUT it will always pop its ugly head up now & again & then we have some trouble like a bad day ,I AM DETERMIND TO KEEP MY BAD DAY NO MORE THAN A WEEK AT MOST..After that i will be kicking myself in the head over it.. Same as the depression & the cuicide crap it will always be there i just push it to the back...
ITS the expectations people put on agerophobic people that eventualy put them back to the begining of it all ..I picked Aus up & gave him a lift home because i never told anyone except Karen that i was going to do it & when Aus got in he said to me are you going to be ok to drive me home I said don't know but we will soon find out THEN Aus said at any time you want to turn around just chuck me out & i will walk the rest of the way..THAT HELPED but i was also determend to do it all the way to Aus's house wether i got nervous or not.I would of also been to embarrest to say na i gotta turn around .As it turned out i was ok & i even stoped for a chat i didn't just leave & i went around the back so Aus could show me his wifes bird feeder he told me about ages ago..


PEOPLE & mainly my family & so called friends have put heaps of expectations on me so i haven't been able to make any headway because i end up back at the start of it..YOU guys don't do that so i ahve been able to do some stuff with out knowing as such because use don't expect it but when i do do something its good for all of us ......& thats what makes me able to do stuff KAren has never expected me to do stuff i & she knows i cant do but if i do the things i can its great ...I GOT LAZY ...No one knows that more than me ...Thats how i let Karen down over the last 12 months by being lazy....



So i do know where i went wrong ..

Banjo, this ain't easy for us either, your pain is our pain. It's a delicate balancing act for us, we push and encourage you because we care. Most of us have not met you, so we are not sure how hard we can push without making matters worse. To date you have risen to and beaten every challenge, even if it has taken a bit of time sometimes. We do have expectations, but if you can't reach them we will still care, we'll just help you up, point you in the right direction and start again. WE WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU MATE, we're Aussies, your our mate, so it doesn't happen that way. agrerophobia (C&P your spelling :p) may not be curable, but it is managable. You may or may not be able to manage the condition in full or even partially, (personally I think you can, and have proven so) but you will still remain our mate. We will accept you as such, warts and all. Do you hear what I'm saying Jason, Karen and the kids aren't the only ones who care and love (in the blokiest of ways ;)) you, You have a lot of good mates and a bloody big fan club out here. :BigThumb:
I'll phone you through the week mate, stay safe. :)

[Didge]

The words of a true champion V8ian! Jason, he's right. We're all with you and will do anything within our powers to help even if you don't hear from us from time to time. Mate, I'd love to call in next time I'm up that way just to meet you and help in any way I can. I'll drop you a line from here beforehand and you can decide if you want me to call in.
cheers Gerald

[Ausfree]

The words of a true champion V8ian! Jason, he's right. We're all with you and will do anything within our powers to help even if you don't hear from us from time to time. Mate, I'd love to call in next time I'm up that way just to meet you and help in any way I can. I'll drop you a line from here beforehand and you can decide if you want me to call in.
cheers Gerald
You would have to drive past my place to get to Banjo's (assuming you are coming up the F3) so if I am not at work I would like to meet you also!!!!

[banjo]

The words of a true champion V8ian! Jason, he's right. We're all with you and will do anything within our powers to help even if you don't hear from us from time to time. Mate, I'd love to call in next time I'm up that way just to meet you and help in any way I can. I'll drop you a line from here beforehand and you can decide if you want me to call in.
cheers Gerald

Anyone from here is welcome to call in at any time use like use would be welcome here ...I don't need to think about any of use calling just call in .if use don't have my number just ask for it i am happy for use to have it or pass it on around this little circle of ours....

[zoopa]

Hi Banjo,
I hope this message gets to your forum page and also hopeful you are okay.
Firstly, I am sorry I took so long to get the hang of this website forum as it is not my usual mode of communication.
Banjo, I do really understand your situation regarding your problem in life.
I may not have mentioned to you that I have had some indirect connection to the condition you are in and it is from this experience I have been able to visit you and your family over the years.
My reference above mentioned of my having connections with someone suffering with the same condition you are at the moment having neans that I am referring to time back in 1983 to 1986.
At te time I was in a relationship with a woman who also was suffering from thesame problem you have and although I was aware of her somewhat problematic asppraoches to everyday life, I had no idae for a while about what she was going through.
But persisted with the relationship for several years until it got the better of me and others involved in my life with her.
Subsequently, I broke up the relationship as a result of a total breakdown in the general life we had because I was so rapidly going down the same pathway she had already had progressed.
Where she had been going through this troubled life for at least 15 years by the time met her, I was rapidly going down the same line of degenerating lifestyle in very fast time, more like 3 years from the onset of my friends indentifying my showing signs of having personal problems that were very similar to her.
My condition had accelerated so rapidly that I was in exactly same spot as she was in just 3 years whilst she had taken over 15 years to get to the same point of health degeneration.
In the end, I was lucky to realise I had trouble and so I jumped the boat and tok flight for another life.
The outcome was devasating to everyone close to me because by whioch time it had impacted on just about everyone assocaited with me at the time,,,,,,even my work mates, customers, customer's employees and my immediate family to such an extent that they were very worried about me.
The years have gone by since 1986 with some of it vey nearly ending it for me because I had a battle on my hands to deal with this problem that I had and this battle only subsided when I made my decision to change direction once more around 1995 and prune off the dead branches to allow my new branches to grow.
By the time you and your wife had met me in 2003, I was long over it all and already started on my new life as you know it now.
Out of all this struggle, I have achieved many targets and set new ones not only for me but for many other individuals who have likewise problems although mostly very different to what you are going through.
Finally, I am available to try and assit you if only you will take my advice and directions for it will help you find yourself again and maybe go through the next stage of your life with happiness and fulfilment.
I am sadden by the news of your wife whom I have kind hearted thoughts for because she actually understands me somewhat far better then most people who have known me most of life and I give her credit for that too.
Banjo, I know you can snap out of the "darklight of the night" (a quote from someone elses words) and begin a new course of life's destiny.
Your destiny is in your hands only and with a little support, understanding and help from me you will be okay soon.
Trust me.
Zoopa is my name (oh and you now know my nickname ALTHOUGH it is seldom do people get to know it and how it came to be a part of my life.

Have a great Landrover Day Banjo
Zoopa



Oh dear i think this is going to hurt...Where to start
Well i have been on a pension for a few years now because i have AGROPHOBIA servere panic disorder.i have trouble going out to the point where i have locked myself in the bathroom in colds sweats with my heart in my throat thinking i would passout or pee or crap myself..i also have done this when i have had people coming over to visit or in this case (people offering to come & help )..it has ruined my life & my immediate family (wife & kids)..you know we used to go up to our local bush (hillsborough ) when we had a nissan SWB kids loved it but it sometimes could take me an hour to get there & we only live literaly 5 min drive from it..
its been realy hard for us because our families think its a big joke .they seem to think its funny to take the micky out of me ..but 27 years of abuse mentaly,physically,mentaly sexualy..
So i dont deal with people to well cause if i have to leave or (hide)as such they dont understand so we just dont do it but its now realy taking its toll on the wife & kids..
we had to file bankrupt a few years back now & the way this rover is going it could send us there again..wife (karen is realy worried )
i had a friend who i used to do stuff with because he didnt care that if we where going some where if i needed to turn round & head for home he didnt say anything i would just settle myself down & then turnround again & keep going & catch up to him & this could happen a few times before i got there & sometime i couldnt get there but he was ok with it so we got on real good but he went & died on me & i have taken it hard & since then i havent been able to do anything realy & we used to go bush alot just for the day out to sugarloaf & out the back of glendale & up hillsborough man i miss those days we all had fun me the kids & wife plus my friend..we used to work for ourselves i am a diesel mechanic by trade havent touched tools since i done my trade 20 years ago but we used to wash & grease trucks that kept us going was good money cause we used to do about 20 trucks a week..
Now the best i do is going down to the local shops again 5min drive away but i do go for a walk round aldi the cheap shops & the paper shop gotta get me rover mags..but this rarely happens .karen does all my running around picking up parts & the like..
i seem to get on better with woman the shrink says its because most of the abuse i suffered was from my father..
hence the reason we only see a few family members ..
we thought it bout time i told use as we have had offers of help with the car..
dont know how i would handle it..but if it wasnt for karen i know i would be dead she saved me..
the best thing so far is my kids..
& i have to say i have never found so many people to offer to help when they havent even met us ..thats cool.
i can only hope that when the car is sorted i can get some part of our life back & start going back to the bush...
So we would like to say many many thanks to everyone who has offered to help...
Not trying to be sobby just thought if use new the problem it mite make it easier to understand why i cant except the offers of help but i (we) really appreciate them i dont know how i would handle people here for the time it could take...
THANKS Jason & Karen..

[banjo]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Well i did do something differant today i did totaly out of the blue i actualy stood up for myself & Karen...
Mother was here as usual for a monday mornin & after awhile she started so is every thing back to normal now ..I said no I have run Karen down so much she hates me detests me does not trust me ....I said she has done so much for me & for the kids we have all run her down mainly me ..SHE says bull**** she could of said no to doing it all then i berd up no she oviously did care thats why she did everything for me & was always worried what mood i would be in when she got home as i got jelous & posesive of her because i like to have Karen at home with me she is my best MATE....& i have taken everything she wanted to do away from her because of this....

THEN i said i have lost the only person i TRUST & love & care for because of this ..
She says thanks (about the trust thing)
I said yes thats right i don't trust you at all..
She says thanks very much...

Then i thought she went to the loo so i made a cuppa & went outside for a smoke but i never heard the loo flush when she came out so i think she was hopping for some sympathy for it ...NOT HAPPENING.....



But she did say they where going to sell there camper after my stepfather gets back from birdsvile.. I said i would love to buy it as its an offroad one with the hard floor.I said i don't care if i only use it to go upto stockton every weekend at least i would use it ..she recons that they could sell it to me & i could pay it off weekly ......:eek:

I'M not going to hold my breath but i will let use know how it goes..He leaves on monday for 2 weeks outback....:twisted:

[Ausfree]

BANJO, way to go mateee!!!!!:thumbsup::thumbsup: Mate I can tell by your post that you feel better in yourself for standing on your digs!!!!:firedevil:
Seriously though, that is the most positive post you have made since the start of this thread. I know its difficult, I can associate with that because my father was domineering and you where always walking on eggshells around him.:mad:
Chalk that up as an achievement for the day!!!!:D:D

[banjo]

Well Karen & i have been chating a bit & its not to bad ,she still doesn't want me or want to open herself up to me again to go through this again..:D:D:D:D:D

[bblaze]

Hi All
finally got the approval to pour my slab for the shed today, been a long battle since june last year. One bite at a time and we are under way and hopefully be poured on friday. Mentioned before Jason, my wife has been treated for stress/depression for the last 2 years, very nearly ruined a 30 year marrage (in this case I just couldnt take it any more) but I kicked my own ass and finally things are on the improve. I am sure there will be tough times ahead for you and Karen but stick to the task at hand, look after yoourself (love yourself too, cant love any one else until you learn to love yourself).
I am going to make you an offer now Jason and It would be nice if others felt they could (making this a public offer so others may come on board)
I will Do a direct deposit into your account for
$200
to go toward some camping gear/camper tailer of your choice
All you need to do Jason is PM your account details
cheers
blaze
ps
hope all your tommorows are better than your yestedays

[banjo]

OH thats what else mother had to say yesterday aswell..she was going on about how i'm doing everything all the running around folding all the pamphlets & papers and getting out & delivering them...She says so who gets all the money for you doing all this ? ****OFF mole i have had a perfect life since i have been with Karen & not under you or the oldman THE MONEY COMES INTO THE HOUSE WE HAVE NEVER HAD HER MONEY & MY MONEY ITS ALWAYS HOUSE MONEY ..THATS WHY WE BOTH DO WHAT WE CAN TO EARN A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY....Mind you i do know that KAREN has gone without so much so i could get stuff to do when i'm bored like my models & all the money i spent i my car which i allways looked at it as our car its our good car.....









































I wont be going back to my ****hole mothers or my fathers when Karen is better i have asked Karen to admit me into the mental hospital so i cant leave there & come back here to annoy her or the kids & i cant be releast till Karen signs me out...
I have also told Karen everything mother has had to say i have no secrets from Karen at all & i tell her everything ..
I think this will be the best thing for everyone if i get admited to the hospital that way mother or ****wit father cant get me out only Karen can sign me out if & when she is ready or thinks i am ready.....

[banjo]

Crap i have to finish folding the pamphlets this morning then i will go down the road to get my smokes & up to get the papers & start to fold them that way i dont have to walk them i can bag them & put the pamphlets in the bag & throw them....If i'm lucky i mite be able to get them delivered today this arvo that way i wont have anything to do tomorrow.....

I have know idea as to how Karen done this all on her own i am stuffed although i have always folded to help her she just had to chuck them or walk the papers..THE WOMAN is incredable.......

I realy need some sleep i cant sleep not game to incase i cuddle Karen or something so i only dose for an hour a night.....

[banjo]

Well just got back got smokes & papers & Karen wanted to go for a drive so we went & i did a lap out at glendales shopping center Then up lake road & across to cardiff hieghts then upto rankin park & kotara all the way back to cardiff & then down to warners bay & drove a bit around the lake & then back home about an hour & a half worths was good somethings have changed not to much though . . .


Going to start to fold papers now...

[Ausfree]

Well Banj, you picked a beautiful day to go for a drive, now isn't Lake Macquarie something to behold, when I drive around the lake I always think how lucky we are to be alive to enjoy that encredible view!!!!!:D:D

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2010/08/19.jpg

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2010/08/20.jpg
Banjo, next time you are down at Warners Bay go for a walk along this new walkway down at the Eleebana end near Cherry Road, its great.


https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2010/08/21.jpg

Cause if you get extra game you can always drive out to Swansea and have a look at the entrance to Lake Macquarie!!!!!:D:D

[Ausfree]

Banjo, remember you said in an earlier post that you gave me a lift home and you walked out the back and saw the bird feeder that I had built, well here it is in action with a flock of Rosella's!!!!!:):)

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2010/08/18.jpg Sorry about the image being a little fuzzy, I wish I owned a 35mm DSLR Camera with a telephoto lens!!!!;)

[banjo]

Well guys i'm not the nice bloke use think i am at all..
Been talking with Karen today & this is why she doesn't want to work things out & i don't blame her for it . . . .


When we first started to date Karen & i did everything my father wanted & i meen everything..


We moved out when i was 18 & Karen was 17 but untill i was about 25 or 27 we still ran after my father big time always over his place just in case he wanted something or wanted me to do something..


We also had to ask them over for tea which was real bad for Karen as he just treated us like **** to the point he would only come over if the vegies where cooked in separate pots so they where all separate on the plate plus Karen would buy stuff for them that we didn't eat but got them for him. On one accation He even had an argument with one of my sisters & left before Karen had served tea which she spent all day on as it was a roast & put all the crap they wanted out & cooked then he just got the ****ing ****s & said **** this where goin home & left..
This went on for years..
& this is the sort of thing i thought was the right thing to do all this time..


I lost my job a few months after we moved out & had heaps of trouble being on my own , so Karen would take sickies to stay with me till she had none .Then the wallsent hospital closed & Karen was out of work & she could of went to the John Hunter to work but thought it easier to say no & stay with me...


I got so bad from my younger days that if Karen went to her parents place i have rang her & abused her for not being at home with me .I thought this was the thing to do as its what i had seen...


Karen used to goto the gym & i would get jelous to the point she gave up going cause the mood i was in when she got home wasn't worth it..
This would happen when ever Karen went out to anything.. & all the time i was just worried about being at my fathers incase he wanted something or was going to say something....


I remember once i was at Karens for tea we had finished tea & Karen & i where doing the dishes & the phone rang, YES it was my oldman...I had an account at a service station next to where i was working & booked up a bill every week that i PAYED at the end of the week..Well they desided to go through all my draws in my room & found it & i shouldn't of had it as he said i couldn't..Well he rings me up & abuses me over the phone & i meen he realy abused me & told me to get home quick so i did & coped a hidin when i did to the point i was in tears real bad ...Then when he was finished it was as if it had never happend & he says well you can go back there if you want...:eek:...


It got to the point if i was calling in at home with Karen i would have to toot to let them know cause they would allways be in the loungeroom naked & i recon a heap more ..& he hated the fact that Karen wouldn't conform to his way & so i wouldn't..


I also got a call once at our house because i took a sicky once & one of my bosses kids went to the same school as my sister & i told them i had a slight fall from a motor bike so i could have the sicky..Well the phone rings bla bla so how you feeling since you fell off the bike you lieing ****in **** mum (stepmom) stuck up for you & said yeah he probably did but thats something he wouldn't tell his father about....bla bla so i think you should get your self over here to thank mum for saving your ****ing neck so make it quick...


These sorts of things went on for ever till i was about 25 or 27 that when i stoped going there because we where about to be avicted from our house we where in (Karen & I) so we had to goto my fathers place for a round table descusion & my mother & step father was invited & turned up & well we ended up living with my mother for about 6 months over that one...


Well while living there i managed to embaress the hell out of Karen big time as we where surposed to goto his place once & lets just say Karen was having weman troubles ,So i rang him to tell him we wouldn't be there well it turned into a third degree & i had to explain it to him in detail over the phone & everyone there heard it all...


Karen & i where to be married just after my 21st birthday party ..Well the party turned into a brawl with him & me ..i was made to give a speech which i didn't want to I didn't even want the ****ing party..Then he did something & i said **** be careful he threw a plate of food over the table where everyone had put my presants & knocked a coil thing & candle over & in the end i think Karen managed to save about 3 things ..He even told people if they where to get me anything to make sure they got it engraved as i mite hock it cause we where broke...Then he desided to drag me out the front yard so he could have his say & humilyate me big time in front of everyone....


After that Karens Parents who where there said if he is going to the wedding where not..so we cansend it & lost all our deposits....


I didn't go & see the kids being born because of my problem & Karen is ****ed at that...


This is what Karen told me today what is going through her head around & around all day ..


She blames me for this & for what has happend to her now which i do agree with her ..This is why she can't trust me to open herself back up to this again..


I haven't rang Karen to abuse her for anything for a very long time once i was out of my fathers control about when i was 25 or 27 . . .
I still make Karen feel as though she should be at home with me & not out & this is what she meens by me taking so much away from her in the past & now, now....I didn't meen to do this at all to her & i want to give it all back to her but she says its to ingrained in her to trust me that it wont happen again.....


I am trying to proove this to her by doing everything for her but she says its to late because she has had to do everything for so long & felt like a single mum for so long aswell...
She finds it uncomfortable if i am with her down the road to do anything with her because she isn't used to me helping her.....


AND to top this off (BIG SECRET TIME) i am a sex adict which Karen has said it makes her feel like a peice of meat just here for that..& i never wanted her to feel like that in anyway...


I brought a car once Karen & i together it was our first together it was a real nice looking HJ sedan 308 V8 real nice ..well when we brought it i got it from across the road from where my oldman worked .At the time i was the one that had to pick him up from work & take him home well i had an old val AP6 & i didn't trade it so i left it at his work with the keys in it for him to drive home , Well that wasn't good enough for him so i copped a heap of abuse over that & he kept telling me we had brought a lemon in the HJ...


Had a sherif turn up at the oldmans once looking for me so they told him where we lived & he rang us to say that he was coming & said its probably just for dury duty or something..Well it wasn't when i first started to get sick the docs all thought i had ulsers so i had to goto all these speicalists for tests ..well because i allways worked i gave my stepmother the money & bill when it came in to pay them for me ,, guess what they never did & i was to front court for it,& when we fronted them about it she said yeah i payed them & he just belived her but i think he was in on it aswell...


This is why Karen doesn't want me anymore..& saddly i can understand her for it.....:(:(:(:(




PS i will get Karen to check all this & add anything i have left out . . . . .

[Ausfree]

Banjo, you and Karen REALLY NEED TO GET AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS on your own for a break, NO PARENTS/NO KIDS/NO INTERNET, just you and Karen together and talk this out, it sounds like Karen is starting to open up just a little, with those pent up feelings that she has kept under wraps for years. Mate as I said before I can associate with your feelings against your father, remember mine used to come home drunk and bash mum, we used to sneak around the house for fear of upsetting him, he has abused me verbally (must admit he never laid a hand on me, and when he gave up the grog, he stopped belting mum) but he always remained a bad tempered domineering old man. When mum died he moved in with another woman and when he died he left his entire estate to her, we boys got nothing. Now the reason I have mentioned this is that I REFUSE to let that ruin my life, I am not angry at him, I don't hate him, I just feel sorry for him that he was so nasty and bitter.
My way of handling difficulties of the past is, and you know I have had more than my fairshare, is to mentally parcel them up and tie a mental bow around the parcel and put it aside. THE PAST IS NOT GOING TO RUIN MY FUTURE. Of cause I have flashbacks, of cause I have my down days, of cause I get bad tempered doesn't everybody???:(
OK lets run through my scenario again....
1) Domineering Father who bashed mum........parceled up.
2) First wife dying at 27 years of age (this one is VERY difficult)...parceled up.
3) Stepson into drugs and trouble with the law and going to jail on numerous occasions......parceled up, but boy did we fight to pull him back, and did not succeed.
4) Bowel Cancer. This one turned out for the best, but it certainly makes you think about your life when the Doctor says I have cancer and if he does'nt operate soon I have 1 to 2 years left....parceled up.

Banjo it is not just you mate, everybody has their demons and it is up to you to control those demons and I tell you what there are some bloody good people on this Thread trying to help you.
I hope this helps. Cheers mate.:):)

[Ausfree]

Me again Banjo, while I am on my soapbox I have to tell you about my older brother,Cliff. He died in 2003 at the age of 67 of a heart attack and his wife (my sister in law) died 2 years later of a broken heart. You reckon you have a ****ty life try this on for size.

Cliff originally had four sons Kevin, Gregory, Paul and Tony. I'll start with Paul who was born in 1962 with a hole in the heart, in those days of cause they didn't have the medical knowledge they have now and my brother was advised to let Paul grow and get strength because they have to operate to repair the hole in the heart, he got to about 7 years of age and the poor little bugger would walk about 50 metres and he would have to sit down, he was blue in the face and exhausted. Well they had to operate on his heart, when they opened him up his heart was much worse than they expected and he died on the operating table. Cliff never got over this.
In 1978 one of his other sons, Gregory was driving up to Nelson Bay, it was about 1am and he ran off the road and hit a tree, killed him. There was no evidence of Drugs or Alcohol in his system and the only thing we can think off, is that he fell asleep at the wheel. He MAY have been speeding but there was no skid marks off the road. He was 18 years old.
In 1994 Cliff rang me just before Christmas to tell me that one of his other sons Tony had passed away suffering from Aids, Tony was gay but as I have found out with a lot of gay guys, he was the nicest bloke you could ever meet, he was 31 and his ashes are scattered at Nelson Bay.
By this time my brother was a shattered man.
The other son, Kevin is still alive, he lives by himself in a caravan. He is now 52 years of age.


Hows that for a ****ty life Banjo, makes you think doesn't it!!!!!!:(

[banjo]

Banjo, you and KarenREALLY NEED TO GET AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS on your own for a break, NO PARENTS/NO KIDS/NO INTERNET, just you and Karen together and talk this out, it

HAHAHA whats that ..Have no one to look after the kids for one ,Then where would we go..Costs to much to stay anywhere nowadays . . . . .

[banjo]

Hi All
finally got the approval to pour my slab for the shed today, been a long battle since june last year. One bite at a time and we are under way and hopefully be poured on friday. Mentioned before Jason, my wife has been treated for stress/depression for the last 2 years, very nearly ruined a 30 year marrage (in this case I just couldnt take it any more) but I kicked my own ass and finally things are on the improve. I am sure there will be tough times ahead for you and Karen but stick to the task at hand, look after yoourself (love yourself too, cant love any one else until you learn to love yourself).
I am going to make you an offer now Jason and It would be nice if others felt they could (making this a public offer so others may come on board)
I will Do a direct deposit into your account for
$200
to go toward some camping gear/camper tailer of your choice
All you need to do Jason is PM your account details
cheers
blaze
ps
hope all your tommorows are better than your yestedays

Lucky bugga getin a shed done . . .

Not sure how to take that one everyone was so kind when we moved in here that we felt like a charitty case.....

Although i am realy lookin forward to gettin away hopefuly before the hot weather as it gives me heaps with my medication . . . . .

[The ho har's]

Seems to be on a roll here...



My dad beat up my mum for years while he was drunk everynight...my eldest sister got most of the abuse not me or my younger sister....

when you think about it there are LOTS of people in similar situations but they don't talk about it:(

Always good to talk about problems;)

Mrs hh:angel:

[Ausfree]

Seems to be on a roll here...



My dad beat up my mum for years while he was drunk everynight...my eldest sister got most of the abuse not me or my younger sister....

when you think about it there are LOTS of people in similar situations but they don't talk about it:(

Always good to talk about problems;)

Mrs hh:angel: There you go Banjo, another one. As I have mentioned to you before you can stand on any street corner and look at people walking past and EVERYBODY has a story to tell.
Incidently Mrs HH, my older brother Cliff copped it too, but me and my younger brother missed out on the physical violence,not the verbal though!!!;)

[Ausfree]

HAHAHA whats that ..Have no one to look after the kids for one ,Then where would we go..Costs to much to stay anywhere nowadays . . . . . Think laterally Banjo, when the kids are at school, go for a walk down at Lake Macquarie and talk, go and have a cup of coffee and talk, go for a drive and talk, I could go on and on!!!!:) Go for a drive to the top of Mt Sugarloaf and talk!!!!

[banjo]

There you go Banjo, another one. As I have mentioned to you before you can stand on any street corner and look at people walking past and EVERYBODY has a story to tell.
Incidently Mrs HH, my older brother Cliff copped it too, but me and my younger brother missed out on the physical violence,not the verbal though!!!;)

I am the eldest so i got it all . . . .

[banjo]

Think laterally Banjo, when the kids are at school, go for a walk down at Lake Macquarie and talk, go and have a cup of coffee and talk, go for a drive and talk, I could go on and on!!!!:) Go for a drive to the top of Mt Sugarloaf and talk!!!!


Yes that would be good its just hard to get Karen to talk to me . . .
Hardly said boo today while out for a drive . . .

[Ausfree]

I am the eldest so i got it all . . . .
Hmmm, seems to be a pattern emerging here!!!!;)

[Narangga]

Well guys i'm not the nice bloke use think i am at all..
Been talking with Karen today & this is why she doesn't want to work things out & i don't blame her for it . . . .

(some stuff left out to keep it a short quote :D)

[LEFT]This is why Karen doesn't want me anymore..& saddly i can understand her for it.....:(:(:(:(




PS i will get Karen to check all this & add anything i have left out . . . . .

Thanks Banjo, having been onboard since the start of the thread I think most of it you have shared in bits and pieces before.

I once heard the term 'unblocking the drains' in a relationship. If a drain is blocked when it rains the water goes everywhere and causes a mess.

In a relationship/marriage if the drains are blocked then there is a mess too. You and Karen have started to unblock the drains and I know you realise there has been a lot that has clogged them up over the years.

Being the loving fella that you are, please allow Karen the opportunity to unblock the drain by telling her side of the story - no matter how hard that is for you. Allowing her to do that without saying things back at her - will show her that you are trustworthy.

I hope that that will help her to find her trust in you again. Remember this ain't no grease and oil change - this is a major service and repair job you two are going through so it will take a while.

Hang in there mate - and all the best to Karen too. :)

[V8Ian]

Pretty much as Jim said Jason, you can't change the past, it gone. But at the moment your getting in front of yourself, your currant mission is to get Karen well enough to make proper decisions. In the meantime, keep doing as much as you can for Karen, without suffocating her and pretend you two have just met, and you fancy her a bit. Take her to the beach for a picnic, or fish and chip lunch. Court her and treat her with respect.

[bblaze]

I remember years ago when I was about 19 my best mate took his newish girlfriend out for a meal. They were both dressed to the hilt, he then drove down to a beach about 5km away, proptly pulled out a hamper with macdonalds and a bottle of red. She raved about that dinner for years later claiming it was the most thoughtful date she ever had. Dosnt cost money
cheers
blaze

[Fluids]

Anyone from here is welcome to call in at any time use like use would be welcome here ...I don't need to think about any of use calling just call in .if use don't have my number just ask for it i am happy for use to have it or pass it on around this little circle of ours....


Open inivitation everyone !!! :o

Sunday, for a Bar-Bee_Que ? Who's in ??





































































































.... only joking ! :p

But next time I'm in town I'll try and drop in mate. :)

Kev..

[banjo]

The mind is a funny thing & it can break at times i of all know this..

When Karen had told me or after she told me some things came back . .

I remember seeing the oldman throw a frying pan of hot oil over the oldgirl . .

We where going out oneday when i was young & i had these shorts stubby brand short little green things & i noticed some schools have them as uniforms..Anyway everyone was ready & i was having trouble gettin these shorts on & the oldman being himself desided to help by grabbing me by the sides of the shorts & picking me up & shaking me till they fit on ..I remember that well cause thats the time my left testical split in 2 . HAHA i have 3 . . .

My parents for some reason kept gladbags of paper under the house & me being me found some matches & was happily lighting the plastic bags watching them melt , I didn't realise that the paper would catch fire , Well i burnt the whole floor boards out of the back of the house had all the services there police fire ambo's i thought it was xmas.. When they all went i was kicked & hit from 1 end of the house to the other a few times...

:D:eek::p:mad::(

[banjo]

But next time I'm in town I'll try and drop in mate. :)

Kev..

I was going to ask you how often do you get down this way . . .

[banjo]

Pretty much as Jim said Jason, you can't change the past, it gone. But at the moment your getting in front of yourself, your currant mission is to get Karen well enough to make proper decisions. In the meantime, keep doing as much as you can for Karen, without suffocating her and pretend you two have just met, and you fancy her a bit. Take her to the beach for a picnic, or fish and chip lunch. Court her and treat her with respect.

Yeah this is what i have been trying all this but Karen doesn't like it so i am not going to push her . . . .

[Narangga]

Smart move. ;)

[Fluids]

I was going to ask you how often do you get down this way . . .


Not as often as I used to. Working 6 days a week makes it a bit hard to get out and I usually have a lazy (bludge) on Sundays & recharge the batteries for Monday ...

... and if I do get to Newy it's with Mrs Fluids ... shopping & such :( ... so I try to avoid that where I can.

I did shop on sunday at the 4WD show though. Got a new RV-5 oztent & sidepanels, a foxwing awning, new oztent king kokoda campchairs & a Biji-Barbi ... looked at a new carback kitchen. Gotta take the disco up to Drifta at Gloucster for a measure up ... and buy some Rhino racks, tray & roof bag ... I said I was leaving the CC at home ... :angel:

... I lied :D

Kev..

[V8Ian]

Yeah this is what i have been trying all this but Karen doesn't like it so i am not going to push her . . . .
Fair call mate.

[banjo]

Well Karen came & helped with the papers this morning . She has now gone over to Vickie's place as they are going for a drive to lockinvar to airds...

I seriously doubt i will be given another chance as Karen says me & my family have done way to much to her in the past & i have done this to her now ...:(

I am not alowd to touch her & i can only help her when needed thats all..
She seems to be getting a little better each day so it wont be long before i have to go now i think...:(

I am going back to mums as soon as Karen tells me or wants me to go i cant see it being that long off...:mad:















I told the kids today i didn't want anything for fathers day as my fathers day has always been with Karen & the kids now i'm just not there anymore & i could probably be gone by then......



























What have use all got pland for fathers day this year......

I hope use all have a good day what ever use have pland......

[Ausfree]

Work as usual!!!!:(

[JohnF]

I don't draw anymore & i haven't held a tattoo gun in so long i wouldn't know what to do with it & its a shame cause now the kids would like to get some work done & fred is just the right age to teach as she can draw aswell & i wanted to teach her how to tattoo & use an airbrush cause she is real good at drawing ...

I do miss it to some degree i spose ....

So buy an air brush and teach Fred to use it. You do not have to get into tatooing to enjoy drawing.
Do draw trees, Landrovers offroad, or anything you fancy.
and spend time with Fred now. One day too soon she will be working and be too busy to see you, so make the most of it now.

Have not been on much for a couple of days. So found I was behind on this thread by over 100 posts-- I do try to keep up with the matters on this thread.

Banjo, we are considering getting rid of our real Land Rover--with leaf springs, and buying a diesel Range Rover instead [coils = comfortable ride]. And looking for the right one has taken some time--still looking for one.

Found a 1987 300TDI in Victoria that sounded real great to us, but sadly the price was way too great also.

[JohnF]

Banjo,NEVERuse a permanent solution to a temporary problem. From what I have seen of life suicide is a cowards way out, the people left behind are the ones to suffer despite what you might think now. ;) As far as I am concerned, if I live to 80, life is still not long enough, you only get one chance at this life so make the most of it!!!!:):)

Sadly I know people who have had friends commit suicide and they ended up very hurt that their friend would do that. It is not the answer.

[banjo]

So buy an air brush and teach Fred to use it. You do not have to get into tatooing to enjoy drawing.
Do draw trees, Landrovers offroad, or anything you fancy.
and spend time with Fred now. One day too soon she will be working and be too busy to see you, so make the most of it now.

Have not been on much for a couple of days. So found I was behind on this thread by over 100 posts-- I do try to keep up with the matters on this thread.

Banjo, we are considering getting rid of our real Land Rover--with leaf springs, and buying a diesel Range Rover instead [coils = comfortable ride]. And looking for the right one has taken some time--still looking for one.

Found a 1987 300TDI in Melbourne that sounded real great to us, but sadly the price was way too great also.

Whats your real landy worth how much will you sell it for,, Crap thats right its a deisel hey ah well you should get a fair price for it ...You could sell it minus the doors :angel:..

[JohnF]

Whats your real landy worth how much will you sell it for,, Crap thats right its a deisel hey ah well you should get a fair price for it ...You could sell it minus the doors :angel:..

For our Series III, stage 1 Isuzu 3.9, we do not expect to get any where near the fifteen thousand dollars the guy in Victoria is asking for his 1987-300TDI Range Rover-- [way too much money for us to spend],
His Range Rover has got almost everything that I would like in a 4wd except lockers and a soft dash. Did not find out if his tow bar was a Hayman Reece--if not want one of those also.

[JohnF]

Some councilling lines may laugh at you, but I do doubt that all would. Wendy told me last time I spoke to her [about 2002] that she wanted to become a Lifeline Counsellor. Do not know if she ever did. But I am sure some out there would talk to you. I would, but I hate making phone calls, but you can ring or e-mail me any time.

[JohnF]

Anyone from here is welcome to call in at any time use like use would be welcome here ...I don't need to think about any of use calling just call in .if use don't have my number just ask for it i am happy for use to have it or pass it on around this little circle of ours....

We are considering a VM Diesel RR that currently lives in the Hunter Valley-- poofy color but we could live with that. If I got down to look at it I was planning a suprise visit to see how you are going--but still looking at options before making up my mind on the RR.

[Ausfree]

Some councilling lines may laugh at you, but I do doubt that all would. Wendy told me last time I spoke to her [about 2002] that she wanted to become a Lifeline Counsellor. Do not know if she ever did. But I am sure some out there would talk to you. I would, but I hate making phone calls, but you can ring or e-mail me any time. Yeah, John I find that would be very unprofessional if somebody at Lifeline laughed at me. I am not in the same situation as Banjo and I would have given them an earful!!!!
:2up:

[JohnF]

Hi Banjo,
I hope this message gets to your forum page and also hopeful you are okay.
Firstly, I am sorry I took so long to get the hang of this website forum as it is not my usual mode of communication.
Banjo, I do really understand your situation regarding your problem in life.
I may not have mentioned to you that I have had some indirect connection to the condition you are in and it is from this experience I have been able to visit you and your family over the years.
My reference above mentioned of my having connections with someone suffering with the same condition you are at the moment having neans that I am referring to time back in 1983 to 1986.
At te time I was in a relationship with a woman who also was suffering from thesame problem you have and although I was aware of her somewhat problematic asppraoches to everyday life, I had no idae for a while about what she was going through.
But persisted with the relationship for several years until it got the better of me and others involved in my life with her.
Subsequently, I broke up the relationship as a result of a total breakdown in the general life we had because I was so rapidly going down the same pathway she had already had progressed.
Where she had been going through this troubled life for at least 15 years by the time met her, I was rapidly going down the same line of degenerating lifestyle in very fast time, more like 3 years from the onset of my friends indentifying my showing signs of having personal problems that were very similar to her.
My condition had accelerated so rapidly that I was in exactly same spot as she was in just 3 years whilst she had taken over 15 years to get to the same point of health degeneration.
In the end, I was lucky to realise I had trouble and so I jumped the boat and tok flight for another life.
The outcome was devasating to everyone close to me because by whioch time it had impacted on just about everyone assocaited with me at the time,,,,,,even my work mates, customers, customer's employees and my immediate family to such an extent that they were very worried about me.
The years have gone by since 1986 with some of it vey nearly ending it for me because I had a battle on my hands to deal with this problem that I had and this battle only subsided when I made my decision to change direction once more around 1995 and prune off the dead branches to allow my new branches to grow.
By the time you and your wife had met me in 2003, I was long over it all and already started on my new life as you know it now.
Out of all this struggle, I have achieved many targets and set new ones not only for me but for many other individuals who have likewise problems although mostly very different to what you are going through.
Finally, I am available to try and assit you if only you will take my advice and directions for it will help you find yourself again and maybe go through the next stage of your life with happiness and fulfilment.
I am sadden by the news of your wife whom I have kind hearted thoughts for because she actually understands me somewhat far better then most people who have known me most of life and I give her credit for that too.
Banjo, I know you can snap out of the "darklight of the night" (a quote from someone elses words) and begin a new course of life's destiny.
Your destiny is in your hands only and with a little support, understanding and help from me you will be okay soon.
Trust me.
Zoopa is my name (oh and you now know my nickname ALTHOUGH it is seldom do people get to know it and how it came to be a part of my life.

Have a great Landrover Day Banjo
Zoopa

Welcome to the forum Zoopa. There are sadly way too many like that lady you have described--Wendy who is mentioned earlier in this theread is one.
I did start a thread on Wendy--not her real name, she told me her name was Wendy when I first met her but she was never named Wendy-- but something I said upset someone and the thread was removed.

Yes and it takes a bit of practice to be comfortable communication by computer, but that is the way of the future.

[JohnF]

Banjo, you and Karen REALLY NEED TO GET AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS on your own for a break, NO PARENTS/NO KIDS/NO INTERNET, just you and Karen together and talk this out, it sounds like Karen is starting to open up just a little, with those pent up feelings that she has kept under wraps for years. Mate as I said before I can associate with your feelings against your father, remember mine used to come home drunk and bash mum, we used to sneak around the house for fear of upsetting him, he has abused me verbally (must admit he never laid a hand on me, and when he gave up the grog, he stopped belting mum) but he always remained a bad tempered domineering old man. When mum died he moved in with another woman and when he died he left his entire estate to her, we boys got nothing. Now the reason I have mentioned this is that I REFUSE to let that ruin my life, I am not angry at him, I don't hate him, I just feel sorry for him that he was so nasty and bitter.
My way of handling difficulties of the past is, and you know I have had more than my fairshare, is to mentally parcel them up and tie a mental bow around the parcel and put it aside. THE PAST IS NOT GOING TO RUIN MY FUTURE. Of cause I have flashbacks, of cause I have my down days, of cause I get bad tempered doesn't everybody???:(
OK lets run through my scenario again....
1) Domineering Father who bashed mum........parceled up.
2) First wife dying at 27 years of age (this one is VERY difficult)...parceled up.
3) Stepson into drugs and trouble with the law and going to jail on numerous occasions......parceled up, but boy did we fight to pull him back, and did not succeed.
4) Bowel Cancer. This one turned out for the best, but it certainly makes you think about your life when the Doctor says I have cancer and if he does'nt operate soon I have 1 to 2 years left....parceled up.

Banjo it is not just you mate, everybody has their demons and it is up to you to control those demons and I tell you what there are some bloody good people on this Thread trying to help you.
I hope this helps. Cheers mate.:):)

I will second what AUS says. not counting Bowel cancer, I did not have same problems as you or AUS, but I had other problems just as bad-- and at times I would have thought that my problems were worst. But you can overcome.

[banjo]

OK well i have ****ed up AGAIN i'm still in Karens face all the time although i don't meen to & Karen said she knows i don't meen to...
I am pushing her further away from me by this & my mind is so ****ed up that i was trying to manipulate her not knowing it Karen said its my sub consions was doing it ,Its all i knew for so long & its still does it ..BUT LEARNING...

TRY NOT TO GET TO BURD UP AT ME I KNOW IT IS ALL WRONG WHAT I DO...


I said to Karen today in an argument not to heated ...Fine shall i just take me ****ing rope & go now i know what to do with it ...I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD SAID IT....I am so sorry it came out ..& i want all this to stop .I think when i get scared of loosing Karen my mind just takes over i guess , i don't meen it & Karen says she knows i don't meen it ..BUT IT HURTS HER .& IT THEN HURTS ME..I am trying to proove to Karen i wont let her down & i keep telling her that & she says i know you said you wont & i know you love me but you don't have to be in my face so much to tell me all the time, I know this she says..

Karen does not want me to be in her face , she does not want me to touch her & she doesn't want me to help her shopping tomorrow so she can have some time away from me..I spose if we work things out then that mite be a better time to help with that...

So from now on i will be only waking Karen to see if she wants to get up earlier ...& i will get her ready for bed if needed & tuck her in...


Help with tea & getting kids to school & all that & all the house work....

will be having a day at home tomorrow ,that sort of worries me because i don't want to do that & fall & not go out again,I don't think i will , its pushed to the back of my mind..

There is a new Jack Higgins book out today & on sale at Glendale target i was going to ask Karen if i ran her out there would she run in & pick it up for me ,Well i did ask & she said no i will go & get it on my own....
I would of walked around in there looking for it & gave up cause i hate big shops i allways have .....

So i will be reading my book & looking in on here to see whos talking to me & i'll have a chat here & read my book aswell & i should be able to leave Karen alone ......

Like i said its all i knew till use all told me how it works & i am going to do this for Karen..

[banjo]

Does anyone know where i can get a good second hand fridge/freezer for the car cheap..I don't want to get one of those Aldi cheapies but a decent brand one just cheap second hand.....
For around a few hudred bucks I need one soon ???????????....

[Ausfree]

OK well i have ****ed up AGAIN i'm still in Karens face all the time although i don't meen to & Karen said she knows i don't meen to...
I am pushing her further away from me by this & my mind is so ****ed up that i was trying to manipulate her not knowing it Karen said its my sub consions was doing it ,Its all i knew for so long & its still does it ..BUT LEARNING...

TRY NOT TO GET TO BURD UP AT ME I KNOW IT IS ALL WRONG WHAT I DO...


I said to Karen today in an argument not to heated ...Fine shall i just take me ****ing rope & go now i know what to do with it ...I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD SAID IT....I am so sorry it came out ..& i want all this to stop .I think when i get scared of loosing Karen my mind just takes over i guess , i don't meen it & Karen says she knows i don't meen it ..BUT IT HURTS HER .& IT THEN HURTS ME..I am trying to proove to Karen i wont let her down & i keep telling her that & she says i know you said you wont & i know you love me but you don't have to be in my face so much to tell me all the time, I know this she says..

Karen does not want me to be in her face , she does not want me to touch her & she doesn't want me to help her shopping tomorrow so she can have some time away from me..I spose if we work things out then that mite be a better time to help with that...

So from now on i will be only waking Karen to see if she wants to get up earlier ...& i will get her ready for bed if needed & tuck her in...


Help with tea & getting kids to school & all that & all the house work....


will be having a day at home tomorrow ,that sort of worries me because i don't want to do that & fall & not go out again,I don't think i will , its pushed to the back of my mind..


There is a new Jack Higgins book out today & on sale at Glendale target i was going to ask Karen if i ran her out there would she run in & pick it up for me ,Well i did ask & she said no i will go & get it on my own....
I would of walked around in there looking for it & gave up cause i hate big shops i allways have .....


So i will be reading my book & looking in on here to see whos talking to me & i'll have a chat here & read my book aswell & i should be able to leave Karen alone ......



Like i said its all i knew till use all told me how it works & i am going to do this for Karen..

Banjo, that is a definite NO.,NO you are trying to emotionally blackmail Karen to make her feel bad, if you are having a verbal fight, make it a fair one and don't make statements meant to make her feel bad. I know you feel bad about it after you said it, but I am sure it hit home with Karen!!!!:(

[banjo]

Banjo, that is a definite NO.,NO you are trying to emotionally blackmail Karen to make her feel bad, if you are having a verbal fight, make it a fair one and don't make statements meant to make her feel bad. I know you feel bad about it after you said it, but I am sure it hit home with Karen!!!!:(

I know i know..:(

[Narangga]

Does anyone know where i can get a good second hand fridge/freezer for the car cheap..I don't want to get one of those Aldi cheapies but a decent brand one just cheap second hand.....
For around a few hudred bucks I need one soon ???????????....

Wot size?

[banjo]

Well this is what i will be doing..

I will be going back to my mothers & i'm sure she will have her way with me & my stepfather is going to have me working all the time .....

Now i have never stood upto my father at all ever & its the same with my brother..

So once i am back at mums & everyone knows i'm there we recon a week before my father starts ringing & my stepsister will be there & they will end up with there hooks in me so i will be doing everything for them aswell & i meen everything from the mental abuse , the verbal abuse , the manipulation, the sexual mental abuse ...

PLZ don't tell me that i will stand upto him because i know i wont & KAREN will tell you all the same thing , I have never been able to stand upto him & i never will i have allways stood behind KAREN for this & backed her up nothing more & it wont change...

Then there is my brother he is the same as my father towards me & i will be doing all his bidding aswell as KAREN says..So he will probably turn up in the first week for sure..

And its not as easy as just hanging up on him because he just doesn't stop neither of them do & even if i did do this they will just ring my mothers home phone & they will just keep bringing the phone over to me...

I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO DO A ****ING THING ABOUT IT & ITS NOT GOING TO CHANGE I KNOW THIS & SO DOES KAREN & SHE WILL TELL YOU ALL THE SAME & AGREE WITH ME...

So thats where i'll be as Karen is fairly sure her feelings & love for me are not going to change & i have to except this & convince myself of this as all i want to do is make Karen haapy & if that meens going back to that then thats what i will do ..I do not want Karen to feel she has to stay here for this reason ever .If her love & feelings come back for me GREAT but if not that what i have to do to make her happy & i will do anything to do that...

That is why i wont see Karen or the kids ever again as i never want the kids to see it or go through it .& if i took FRED over to dads she will cop it as well cause he thinks nothing of scratch girls bums while they are near him or even just to get then on his knee & undoes there bra so he can scratch there back this is all fine to him & i doubt i would do anything as i would fear the punishment..

He did this to Karen once...We left straight away.....


SO I DO KNOW WHAT I HAVE LOST & I DO KNOW WHAT I HAVE DONE & I DO KNOW WHAT I'M IN FOR AFTER KAREN..SO YES I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY ITS SO HARD FOR HER TO TRY & TRUST ME OR EVEN OPEN HERSELF UPTO ME AGAIN...,
I AM LOOSING THE BEST THING TO OF EVER HAPPEND TO ME BECAUSE OF WHAT I WAS DOING & HAVE DONE IN THE PAST..

KAREN IS THE ONLY PERSON TO SHOW ME LOVE , EFFECTION , CARE & TRUST SO YES I WOULD DO THIS FOR HER....

[banjo]

Wot size?

40 or 50 ltrs.. I will be keeping everything in it......sold my old weaco years ago wish i didn't now...





Guys i am begging use if someone knows of something please let me know ..I only have $400 & i need to buy a swag which is $99 so i have $300 to use but if i could get one cheaper that would be great....


The cheaper the better as i am still going to bust a nut to fix this with Karen & if i get one great we can use it together & i haven't wasted to much money..



But i think i could be gone quicker than i think or realise...:BigCry::BigCry::BigCry:



I can't seem to do a thing right lately i just make things worse for Karen & the kids...

Karen said i could get a bar fridge but if i get a car fridge/freezer if i'm lucky i mite grow some balls when everyone gets to me & i can just ****off without telling anyone what so ever .....to try & get myself away from the crap..

[banjo]

I am a wreck on the inside at the moment & i recon once the kids goto bed i will crack & start to shake bigtime... I am haveing a panic attack bigtime & trying to hite it till everyone goes to bed so i can let it go ...:(

[Narangga]

I am a wreck on the inside at the moment & i recon once the kids goto bed i will crack & start to shake bigtime... I am haveing a panic attack bigtime & trying to hite it till everyone goes to bed so i can let it go ...:(

Sorry I'm not as close as Aus and able to help out a bit. :(

[banjo]

OH yeah PS Karen is feeling somewhat better today she has been up since i got her up at 8 this morning & is now sitting on the lounge listening to music on her phone & headphones..& looks alot brighter to...

[Narangga]

Make sure she has her space mate.

[banjo]

Make sure she has her space mate.

Yep just got me iphone & plugs & listening to music myself.....

[Ausfree]

Yep just got me iphone & plugs & listening to music myself..... Sounds like a plan mate, just relax and chill with some good music!!!!:) works wonders for me when I feel down!!!:D

[Narangga]

Yep just got me iphone & plugs & listening to music myself.....

:spudnikboogie: :spudnikboogie: :spudnikboogie:

[banjo]

Sounds like a plan mate, just relax and chill with some good music!!!!:) works wonders for me when I feel down!!!:D

yeah me to i got this run on the Great big sea & mumford & sons. . . . . :eek::p;)

[V8Ian]

Mate, cross your bridges as you come to them, not before.

[Sleepy]

yeah me to i got this run on the Great big sea & mumford & sons. . . . . :eek::p;)

Good choice jas! Reminds me of that YouTube video i did. I'll have to do another one day. Starring your lovely s3...,,,even though it has girly power steering.
I am rover!.....

[Sleepy]

Here's that Linky again
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3a0QuHxuMSU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

[V8Ian]

Here's that Linky again
YouTube - I'm a Rover (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3a0QuHxuMSU&feature=youtube_gdata_player)
It doesn't work Paul. :(

[banjo]

Mate, cross your bridges as you come to them, not before.

Karen is pretty sure its already here . . :(

[V8Ian]

It worked from the quote Paul, good one mate. :D

[Sleepy]

Bloody iPhone
Just search YouTube for "I'm a rover aulro" .....
I should go and buy me a real puter:)

[Sleepy]

It worked from the quote Paul, good one mate. :D

Ok good one.....the music is the band jas mentioned....great big sea

[banjo]

The worst & hardest thing for me in this is knowing i will never see Karen again & i can't see the Kids , I know this & so does Karen...

I always thought we had it fairly right as Karen did all the running around & all that outside the house & i always did everything in the house , housework washing cleaning lawns cooking so that Karen didn't have to do that stuff when she came home......& i did go out just not enough....


I know i can't do anything on my own for myself i always do what i can do for Karen & the Kids not myself...


I can't even open a bank account on my own phisicly, I don't know if i will loose my pension now as i wont have a carer . I don't want my mother to be it cause she would only be doing it for the money & nothing else she wont & wouldn't look after me..

I miss Karen so much its not funny i only push myself for her not myself . I breath everyday because of Karen & the kids & i do meen that its the truth...
I love going out with Karen she gives me my conferdance i nearly feel bullitproof with her & she makes me look good & comfortable , so i only do what i can do for her...


If it wasn't for Karen i wouldn't be who i am or what i am today & i do meen that she is such an amazing person with the biggest heart i have ever known she cares for just about everyone...


If i could of stood upto my parents so many years ago i wouldn't have the problems i have now , I would be normal ..So i know once i'm back there i will be doing everything i used to do for them & i meen everything , what ever they say i will just do its always been that way till Karen got me out of it & even then i still did everything they would say for me to do for years after Karen got me out & we moved out..

ITS only been 11 or so years that i haven't done everything they wanted because i have Karen to tell them NO & i back her up I CAN NOT DO THIS ON MY OWN I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO THATS WHY I HAVE AGEROPHOBIA . . .

AND i do understand what i have done to Karen & why she feels this way i have been sutch a bastard to her over time & now she has completly broken down & its all my fault..Mother says no she cant lump it all on you the kids are to blame aswell & Karen should or could of said NO but it wasn't that easy for Karen to say NO as she did do this sometimes & i would just get worse moody & cranky & she would just go & do it anyway & she gave up saying NO as it was easier for her to just do it anyway...

[banjo]

Well Karen doesn't want me to do anything with her as its to weird for her as its to uncomfortable for her..

She is off shopping today & going to visit a lady friend of hers & probably stop at the tatt shop say g'day to them all ,She is booked in for her tattoo next friday morning first thing, thinking she mite get the one she likes on her back so that will be good ,,Its a shame this has all happend as i would of liked to get some work done myself if the guy could do them here but i don't think he would be to comfortable being here now, He did say to Karen he could of worked something out to come up here to do my work ..I feel like a retard next to Karen now she is gorjess with nice tattoo's & everyone realy takes notice of her now ..It used to be the other way around i had the tattoo's & had gorjess Karen to be with...

ITS a naked feeling . . .

[banjo]

Well went & got fuel & smokes today on my own...Then met Karen at bilo so i could bring the frozen stuff home ,she is still down the road shopping at all the other shops.....& yes she is going to the tattoo shop so if i'm lucky she mite be a little brighter when she comes home :D . .


Karen is going to stay at Vickies for the weekend this weekend i'm not to sure if she is going tomorrow or saturday so that will be an interesting weekend for me & the kids....:eek: . . .
And she said she will be turning her phone OFF so that she is not contactable :o . . .& if we need something i will get it..
IF one of us need a hospital she said we will have to ring Vickies home fone....

I am hoping she comes back :(:o . . . .

[banjo]

Bloody iPhone
Just search YouTube for "I'm a rover aulro" .....
I should go and buy me a real puter:)

Hey Paul aren't the iphones great mine is even better as it only cost me $50 . . . No i didn't ask where it was from or how it was got ,it works & thats all i care about . . . .

[banjo]

Well we had a camping country catalog & they had swags for $99.95 .

Rang around as they only get them if you order them .

Ended up ringing the aussie diposals at Kotara & they had some in stock they are a thompsan brand for $99.95 ..BUT when i looked online they where only $79.95 so Karen went & picked one up ....

This is my new bad . . .

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2010/09/1815.jpg

[banjo]

Karen has just left to go down to the tattoo shop to get a dermal which is a stud that they anchor under you skin & she is getting it near her eye...
She took a book & said she was probably going to goto the park for some time away from me . . . . .


I'm scared & worried & have had a big panic attack for the first time in ages & the first time Karen has made me have one...

[banjo]

40 or 50 ltrs.. I will be keeping everything in it......sold my old weaco years ago wish i didn't now...





Guys i am begging use if someone knows of something please let me know ..I only have $400 & i need to buy a swag which is $99 so i have $300 to use but if i could get one cheaper that would be great....


The cheaper the better as i am still going to bust a nut to fix this with Karen & if i get one great we can use it together & i haven't wasted to much money..



But i think i could be gone quicker than i think or realise...:BigCry::BigCry::BigCry:




I can't seem to do a thing right lately i just make things worse for Karen & the kids...



Karen said i could get a bar fridge but if i get a car fridge/freezer if i'm lucky i mite grow some balls when everyone gets to me & i can just ****off without telling anyone what so ever .....to try & get myself away from the crap..



KEEP an eye out for me as i need one like yesterday.. I'm going to get the local traders tomorrow aswell to look in there...& i will look on fleabay aswell....

[banjo]

Yep i'll just keep talking to myself..

[banjo]

Not alowd to talk to Karen The kids don't talk to me so i sit here stewing in my own head . . .

[banjo]

Very very scared now as Karen has said she doesn't know if she realy wants to live like this anymore with the worry of me ..she has always put me first even before the kids ,If i'm bore or if i want to do something . . .

So i think i will be needing a fridge real soon i meen real soon..

I do know what Karen is saying that she doubts she is strong enough to keep living like this but its like she said its more of if she wants to do this anymore . . . . .

[banjo]

I asked Karen if she wanted me to go now & she says I DON'T KNOW STOP PUSHING ....I don't meen to at all ..I just think its inevertable from the way Karen speaks. ????

I have never been so scared in my life .
My chest hurts so bad & goes numb & i have been in a panic attack for a couple of days big time , I keep waiting for everyone to goto bed so i can let it go & have the shakes & cold sweats ....

[banjo]

Well we had a camping country catalog & they had swags for $99.95 .

Rang around as they only get them if you order them .

Ended up ringing the aussie diposals at Kotara & they had some in stock they are a thompsan brand for $99.95 ..BUT when i looked online they where only $79.95 so Karen went & picked one up ....

This is my new bad . . .

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2010/09/1815.jpg

I have been told i am sleeping here tonight no matter what..

[MEANZ06]

does Karen know you post here and how much?

just a question...

[banjo]

does Karen know you post here and how much?

just a question...


Yeah she reads most of them just not the same day she mite only read them once or twice a week to catch up, Plus she posts here aswell sometimes & she has told me she will post up soon enough..

[Ausfree]

Banjo, looking at your recent posts, mate I am worried for you can you ring 1300 659 467. It is in the phone book as "Suicide Call Back Service" it is a service for support for people at risk and their carers. Seriously mate you do need professional people to assist:( This is a genuine place and I promise they won't laugh at you!!!

[Ausfree]

Banjo they are on the internet as www. suicidecallbackservice.org.au!!!:o

[banjo]

Banjo, looking at your recent posts, mate I am worried for you can you ring 1300 659 467. It is in the phone book as "Suicide Call Back Service" it is a service for support for people at risk and their carers. Seriously mate you do need professional people to assist:( This is a genuine place and I promise they won't laugh at you!!!

Not cuicidal just realy realy scared & worried...
As i said i wont be able to see them all again if or once i'm gone . . .
I am also worried because Karen is my best mate ,mate ,wife , lover ,mistress everything..& i know i'm going to have trouble not being able to hold cuddle or kiss her ever again . . . .Thats all . . .

[banjo]

We both know once i'm back at my mothers i will have everyone trying to get there hooks into me. mother ,step father ,father.Actualy my oldman will probably send my step sister up to see me thinking & telling her to offer sex that way i'll go back to his...YES I AM SERIOUS . .Thats only the tip of it believe me .that would be the start of it from my fathers side..
My dickhead brother would just turn up as soon as he gets up here to unload & i garentee i will end up doing everything he wants..My mother just wont leave me alone at all if i'm having a shower she thinks i'll just walk in to see how he is..
My step father will just want me to work for him again as i am a good worker i believe in getting in & getting the job done so its finished & he pays me crap..Plus they would have me doing all there yard work & fixing there house...
my father would try anything with Micayla if she was to turn up with me..
My step father is just as bad but more in the **** stiring department ,& happy to trap the kids or chase then saying come on give us a kiss..

AND there is no way i am going to put the kids in that situation ever we both say that..

And if i end up back to there usual stuff . its not Karens place to worry about it or me anymore nor would i expect her to....

Thats why if i do have to go they will have to treat it as i'm dead .pastaway what ever..

[banjo]

AWW i'm talking to myself again.

[banjo]

Hey Aus have you got a big day back tomorrow lots of jobs or just a big Sidunee one..:D

[Ausfree]

Right, Banj, you can't seem to see the forrest for the trees, stop saying NO to assistance, try these and I ask you to ring.......
Dads In Distress..1300 853 437.... and internet is...Welcome to Dads in Distress - Australia (http://www.dadsindistress.asn.au).. Mate we all care for you, but THE TIME HAS COME FOR YOU TO STOP WALLOWING IN PITY AND ASSIST YOURSELF!!!
also...
Samaritans Crisis Line 1800 198 313 and internet is .... www.thesamaritans.org.au (http://www.thesamaritans.org.au). is a 24/7 hot line.;)

[Ausfree]

Hey Aus have you got a big day back tomorrow lots of jobs or just a big Sidunee one..:D Banj, I am more worried about you than a big day in Sydney, Do something to help yourself!!!;)

[banjo]

I do understand what use are all saying .I don't have a problem about what i'm going back to But i don't want the kids near it or to see it .That is why we both agree about it .I was just telling use about it what its like for me thats all..

I have to go back to this as i can't stay with anyone else .Say if Aus said yeah come stay here for a bit i couldn't because of my panic attacks & i would feel like i was puting use out & making use uncomfortable aswell as myself..
And if i ring them they will want me to stay somewhere like a hostel & i cant do that either.
Unfortunatly because of my underlieing problem of agerophobia ,I have to stay with something or someone familiar & that has seen what i'm like to try & keep myself safe..

And if i was going to do anything i would probably post it up here just to make sure i was getting the knott right :D . . .

So there you go just venting my head & now theres some more crap out of my head..:p

[Fluids]

Seems to me you've got plenty of reasons & excuses why you CAN'T ...

... and not one good reason why can or should. :mad:

You're digging yourself a hole mate. Take Jims advice and DO something, and stop giving us all the excuses under the sun why you CAN'T !

If you're going back to mums ... you're going back to mums. YOU can let them intimidate you ... or YOU can just say NO **** OFF !! ... go about YOUR business and be your own person.

YOU are your own person and it's about time you stand up for yourself ... it'll be YOU who lets them take advantage of YOU ... NOT them!

:angel:

[DiscoMick]

Why are you talking about going back to your mum's?
Why are you pushing Karen to make commitments she's obviously not ready to make?
Why are you imagining all the worst possible things that could go wrong?
Stop pushing, mate. And ring a counsellor and have a good long talk.

[banjo]

Why are you talking about going back to your mum's?
Why are you pushing Karen to make commitments she's obviously not ready to make?
Why are you imagining all the worst possible things that could go wrong?
Stop pushing, mate. And ring a counsellor and have a good long talk.

Because thats about the only option unless i just go to the oldmans . . .

Honestly didn't meen to just thought it mite be easier . . . .

I have to get used to it & prepair myself just incase it does happen . . .

I will think about it i have only ever spoke to Karen for the last 23 years & i don't trust them . . .

[V8Ian]

Because thats about the only option unless i just go to the oldmans . . .

Honestly didn't meen to just thought it mite be easier . . . .

I have to get used to it & prepair myself just incase it does happen . . .

I will think about it i have only ever spoke to Karen for the last 23 years & i don't trust them . . .


Banjo, this is what I meant yesterday when I said cross your bridges as you come to them. You are still at the family home today, so focus on the family and stop pressuring Kaz, I know how hard that is to do, but mate, at the moment you are pushing her away.

[banjo]

Banjo, this is what I meant yesterday when I said cross your bridges as you come to them. You are still at the family home today, so focus on the family and stop pressuring Kaz, I know how hard that is to do, but mate, at the moment you are pushing her away.


Thats what Karen said..

[V8Ian]

Mate she needs some time to sort her head, give her that time while you're demonstrating that you're getting your head together, and how much you love her.

[banjo]

BAHAHAHAHA
Its funny use tell me to be posotive Karen tells me to not talk like its laready over.. So i talk about the future & things we could do together or as a family just in general chat...:confused:

Then Karen tells me to stop talking as if everything is going to be alright because i mite not want this anymore .. . .:confused:


So from now on i am just going to shut the **** up & if Karen & i are able to work through this then great use will hear about real fast . . .
If not i will be at mums & i shall say see yas & thanks for everything .. . . :eek:

I owe use so much the same as i owe Karen nearly so i thankyou all. . . .

[V8Ian]

BAHAHAHAHA
Its funny use tell me to be posotive Karen tells me to not talk like its laready over.. So i talk about the future & things we could do together or as a family just in general chat...:confused:

Then Karen tells me to stop talking as if everything is going to be alright because i mite not want this anymore .. . .:confused:


So from now on i am just going to shut the **** up & if Karen & i are able to work through this then great use will hear about real fast . . .
If not i will be at mums & i shall say see yas & thanks for everything .. . . :eek:

I owe use so much the same as i owe Karen nearly so i thankyou all. . . .
Typical girl talk mate, we mere males will never be right. :p Give her time, without being negative mate. ;)

[DiscoMick]

I didn't mean to upset you Banjo. Sorry if I did.
Just trying to encourage you to spend more time thinking positively and less time thinking negatively.

[banjo]

I didn't mean to upset you Banjo. Sorry if I did.
Just trying to encourage you to spend more time thinking positively and less time thinking negatively.


I know Mick , you didn't upset me .I am thinking positively ...

I only can aford to go back to my parents unfortunatly & i wont put the kids in that .. . .

[DiscoMick]

I hope Karen and you can work it out.

[banjo]

I hope Karen and you can work it out.

Me to Mick me to....


I'm praying my heart out ...

[Narangga]

Me to Mick me to....


I'm praying my heart out ...

You're not on your own.

Keep positive Jason. :)

[banjo]

You're not on your own.

Keep positive Jason. :)

Not yet but you never know whats around the corner & i mite end up on my own..



I AM I AM

[Sleepy]

G'day jas and all , your getting good advice mate. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you....... Bugger.....I am never very good at thus stuff.....hang in there mate....time patience .....thinking of you a lot.... There will be a route out of this boghole!

[Narangga]

Me to Mick me to....


I'm praying my heart out ...


You're not on your own.

Keep positive Jason. :)


Not yet but you never know whats around the corner & i mite end up on my own..



I AM I AM

I meant that you're not on your own with the praying bit. :o

[banjo]

Still having a panic attack a bit ..Didn't get to sleep till 4.30 this morning then up at 7 to get the kids off to school ..That swag isn't very comfortable on this hard floor . . .

Mite be better tonight i am hopping :eek: ..

[banjo]

Still having a panic attack a bit ..Didn't get to sleep till 4.30 this morning then up at 7 to get the kids off to school ..That swag isn't very comfortable on this hard floor . . .

Mite be better tonight i am hopping :eek: ..


NO it didn't i can hardly move my neck this morning , which was stuffed to start with but now its completly ****ed....

[bblaze]

Hope the neck improves as the day goes, maybe a towel in the microwave and wrapped around the neck to get some heat into it. Poured my slab yesterday, havnt done a pour like that for about 15 years and dont my back know its done a bit of work. Now ****ing with rain and the slab is nearly under water because of changed surface profiles and no drains in place.
Cheers
blaze

[banjo]

well been chating with Karen this morning & i'm pretty sure i will be going today or tomorrow .She says she doesn't know what to do & the she feels like she is taking advantage of me.. She is pushing me further away now for the first time ever Karen now covers up when i'm getting her ready for bed & that just isn't Karen she usualy wouldn't care if anyone seen her ...But she did say she is leaning more to the way of us spliting up & i can't do a thing about it ..She hates me doing anything for her or that i am just doing stuff....

Once i go back to mums i wont have the net for long or my phone & i know i wont do anything as i am & have always only pushed myself to do anything for Karen & the kids & once thats gone i will go back to what i was ..Only this time it will be in a 1 room flat thing , room with ****er & shower thats it..


So i will stay online for as long as i can then that will be gone aswell . I am going to file for bankruptsy again so that the mobile bill can be paid out & then there wont be any bills that we have to worry about..

If i'm lucky my mother will pickup my smokes & some food for me , I will be getting Karen to come & pick up the car as i wont need it & they may as well use it cause i wont be going out again as i wont have any reason to push any more i only do what i can now for Karen & the kids i have never looked after myself & i really don't care about myself never have...

So there use go thats whats happening here now ..I am dredding tomorrow as fathers day has alway been with Karen & the kids together so i'm not looking forward to it at all ...

ITS BEEN GOOD & FUN THANKYOU TO ALL CONCERNED FOR ALL YOUR HELP & ADVISE OVER THE LAST YEAR..

I have been having a panic attack for nearly a week now & i wait for everyone to goto bed so i can shake & all that crap, spent 3 hours in the bathroom last night cold sweats shaking feeling like i was going to throw up , passout , **** myself or **** myself all with my heart in my throat like i have never felt before just wanting to die ..Karen has never made me have a panic attack before so this is so hard & so strong i have never had them so strong before....

Karen is an amazing woman with the most beautiful smile & so kind hearted to everyone , she is so strong & i hope use will all keep an eye on her for me & the kids aswell . Call in & see them sometimes & say G'day makesure there are all well & happy for me please guys as i wont know a thing...



Thnkyou everyone ....


















































































































PS i am still staying posative & i will always hope Karen & I could work this out as they all meen so much to me its not funny they all keep me alive & wanting to breath . . .THEY COMPLETE MY LIFE ALL OF THEM.......

[banjo]

The medication that Karen is on makes her drousy to the point that she can't go for a walk like she likes to & if she does to much she has to sleep..She slept for quiet awhile yesterday because she had done some stuff for the 2 days before..

I asked her if she wanted to go & see one of the other doctors where we go & she said no..The doc she did see said if she's not better soon to just double her dose of meds...






I realy wish she would talk to someone or someone would talk to her ..

Karens best friend who is also my cousin cant help as she says we are both close to her & she doesn't want to get in the way but is happy to listen ..She has never been in a relationship before so she said she can't offer any advise...

Karen will probably sleep for the rest of the day when she gets home as she took the kids to Glendale to shop for some school stuff..


I told them all not to get me anything for fathers day this year .....

[banjo]

Hey thanks for the pm, S . No i wont leave here unless Karen tells me thats what she wants & i know she will be ok...

[banjo]

Karen has been through so much **** crap & hell for me for so long so i will be here till she says otherwise...

She is an amazingly strong beautifull woman...

[banjo]

Well now i am so so so pistoff its not funny Karen was on & was posting here & it was a long post & i realy wanted to read it as i think it was all about whats going on in Karens head...

But as ****ing usual the net droped out as soon as she hit the submit button & lost the whole ****ing thing.. She said she would re do it later so i am praying she can as i think it mite help her or atleast i will know whats going on in her head..

I am read to rip the ****ing net thing out the wall or smash both the puters cause i am sick to ****ing death of this Happening i have lost so many post because of it.. & telstra a so ****ed at fixing it we just gave up ringing them.....

[Mrs banjo (fatty)]

hi this is extremly hard for me i don't know what to say jason is trying to give me space but being in the same house...not easy done .I feel that my mind and body don't belong to me anymore my body keeps betraying me i can't go for a walk or do groceries without needing to come home and sleep the rest of the day i hate that so much i am not used to feeling helpless as such i have always though of myself as a strong person now i can't do anything .I don't know if i can live like this anymore if i want my life to be like this i know i am hurting jason because i blame him and maybe this is not fair but all i think of is the bad stuff that it used to be like me getting abusive phone calls from him when i was at my parents instead of home with him and smiling so my family didn't know the fierce arguments when i got home me giving up the one thing i loved doing my gym and personal trainer studies because he didn't like it every guy i spoke to i was running away with going through both pregnancies feeling i was alone cause jas really didn't come to any doctors or ultra sound he missed so much me waitting till really last minute when i went into labour both times because i was worried about him being alone and coming home straight away again for the same reason i don't even want to start on his mum and dad i could they drive me crazy they have buggered our livr so much no one knows how much i blame them am i crazy for thinking like this i don't know think i love him enough to keep going i know there is room for improvement bot i know i am pulling more and more away from jason because he has hurt me so much i don't trust him he tells me he wants to change but he has let me down so many times i don't know if i can open to him again i am having enough trouble pulling myself up this time .For so long i have felt like a single parent anyway i do everything from school shopping to parent interviews jason don't come to any of it its like he doesn't care thats what i feel like like we are not important enough have never been for him to try and he didn't have to no matter what happened cause i done it all it was easier then having the bad arguments again he never physically hurt me but he has a temper like his dasd and i have lost count over the years of what has been broken in our houise.I know its wrong to think of this but its what going through my head all the time with the thoughts of can i do this can i leave cause i seriously don't think i love him enough to keep going anymore .At the moment he has done a lot but i can't feel even gratitude to him for helping i keep thinking if he saw this a bit earlier helped a bit earlier i wouldn't hate myself so much now

[banjo]

hi this is extremly hard for me i don't know what to say jason is trying to give me space but being in the same house...not easy done .I feel that my mind and body don't belong to me anymore my body keeps betraying me i can't go for a walk or do groceries without needing to come home and sleep the rest of the day i hate that so much i am not used to feeling helpless as such i have always though of myself as a strong person now i can't do anything .I don't know if i can live like this anymore if i want my life to be like this i know i am hurting jason because i blame him and maybe this is not fair but all i think of is the bad stuff that it used to be like me getting abusive phone calls from him when i was at my parents instead of home with him and smiling so my family didn't know the fierce arguments when i got home me giving up the one thing i loved doing my gym and personal trainer studies because he didn't like it every guy i spoke to i was running away with going through both pregnancies feeling i was alone cause jas really didn't come to any doctors or ultra sound he missed so much me waitting till really last minute when i went into labour both times because i was worried about him being alone and coming home straight away again for the same reason i don't even want to start on his mum and dad i could they drive me crazy they have buggered our livr so much no one knows how much i blame them am i crazy for thinking like this i don't know think i love him enough to keep going i know there is room for improvement bot i know i am pulling more and more away from jason because he has hurt me so much i don't trust him he tells me he wants to change but he has let me down so many times i don't know if i can open to him again i am having enough trouble pulling myself up this time .For so long i have felt like a single parent anyway i do everything from school shopping to parent interviews jason don't come to any of it its like he doesn't care thats what i feel like like we are not important enough have never been for him to try and he didn't have to no matter what happened cause i done it all it was easier then having the bad arguments again he never physically hurt me but he has a temper like his dasd and i have lost count over the years of what has been broken in our houise.I know its wrong to think of this but its what going through my head all the time with the thoughts of can i do this can i leave cause i seriously don't think i love him enough to keep going anymore .At the moment he has done a lot but i can't feel even gratitude to him for helping i keep thinking if he saw this a bit earlier helped a bit earlier i wouldn't hate myself so much now

OH **** i'm realy ****ed..
I do deserve all this i have been a bastard over the years to Karen .....
as soon as Karen is better i will leave if thats what its going to take to make her happy...

AGAIN FATTY I AM EXTREMLY SORRY FOR ALL OF THIS & THE PAST..
I can't change the past but i do know i want to change & do the things you want , & realy its not a lot that you have asked me to do ..
I will keep up helping & i even plan to goto footy training sometimes & some home games & helping with some of the running aroung & shopping sometimes as you said you don't want me to do it every week.. ....


OH & i have to be in the same house as you as i'm looking after you...

[banjo]

hi this is extremly hard for me i don't know what to say jason is trying to give me space but being in the same house...not easy done .I feel that my mind and body don't belong to me anymore my body keeps betraying me i can't go for a walk or do groceries without needing to come home and sleep the rest of the day i hate that so much i am not used to feeling helpless as such i have always though of myself as a strong person now i can't do anything .I don't know if i can live like this anymore if i want my life to be like this i know i am hurting jason because i blame him and maybe this is not fair but all i think of is the bad stuff that it used to be like me getting abusive phone calls from him when i was at my parents instead of home with him and smiling so my family didn't know the fierce arguments when i got home me giving up the one thing i loved doing my gym and personal trainer studies because he didn't like it every guy i spoke to i was running away with going through both pregnancies feeling i was alone cause jas really didn't come to any doctors or ultra sound he missed so much me waitting till really last minute when i went into labour both times because i was worried about him being alone and coming home straight away again for the same reason i don't even want to start on his mum and dad i could they drive me crazy they have buggered our livr so much no one knows how much i blame them am i crazy for thinking like this i don't know think i love him enough to keep going i know there is room for improvement bot i know i am pulling more and more away from jason because he has hurt me so much i don't trust him he tells me he wants to change but he has let me down so many times i don't know if i can open to him again i am having enough trouble pulling myself up this time .For so long i have felt like a single parent anyway i do everything from school shopping to parent interviews jason don't come to any of it its like he doesn't care thats what i feel like like we are not important enough have never been for him to try and he didn't have to no matter what happened cause i done it all it was easier then having the bad arguments again he never physically hurt me but he has a temper like his dasd and i have lost count over the years of what has been broken in our houise.I know its wrong to think of this but its what going through my head all the time with the thoughts of can i do this can i leave cause i seriously don't think i love him enough to keep going anymore .At the moment he has done a lot but i can't feel even gratitude to him for helping i keep thinking if he saw this a bit earlier helped a bit earlier i wouldn't hate myself so much now

I think i could be the reason Karen can't pull herself back up as when its happend before never this bad but it has happend & Karen has still had to do everything & this time i'm doing everything so i mite be the problem again...

So i think i mite ****off tomorrow morning & head upto mums & get out of there lives so they can get on with theres.. I only want Karen & the kids to be happy.. I miss Karens smile & laugh & her type of talking so much it kills me to see her like this...

I think this mite be the right thing to do for Karen & the kids....

I realy have no idea so if use wanna tell me go for it......:(

[banjo]

since Karen is still up & awake i asked her to cut my hair getting to woolly now had to let me hat out yesterday...Just glad we have new clipers the last ones used to bite a lot & got bloody , mite be the same this time seeing as how Karen feels. . . .:o

[Narangga]

hi this is extremly hard for me i don't know what to say jason is trying to give me space but being in the same house...not easy done .I feel that my mind and body don't belong to me anymore my body keeps betraying me i can't go for a walk or do groceries without needing to come home and sleep the rest of the day i hate that so much i am not used to feeling helpless as such i have always though of myself as a strong person now i can't do anything .I don't know if i can live like this anymore if i want my life to be like this i know i am hurting jason because i blame him and maybe this is not fair but all i think of is the bad stuff that it used to be like me getting abusive phone calls from him when i was at my parents instead of home with him and smiling so my family didn't know the fierce arguments when i got home me giving up the one thing i loved doing my gym and personal trainer studies because he didn't like it every guy i spoke to i was running away with going through both pregnancies feeling i was alone cause jas really didn't come to any doctors or ultra sound he missed so much me waitting till really last minute when i went into labour both times because i was worried about him being alone and coming home straight away again for the same reason i don't even want to start on his mum and dad i could they drive me crazy they have buggered our livr so much no one knows how much i blame them am i crazy for thinking like this i don't know think i love him enough to keep going i know there is room for improvement bot i know i am pulling more and more away from jason because he has hurt me so much i don't trust him he tells me he wants to change but he has let me down so many times i don't know if i can open to him again i am having enough trouble pulling myself up this time .For so long i have felt like a single parent anyway i do everything from school shopping to parent interviews jason don't come to any of it its like he doesn't care thats what i feel like like we are not important enough have never been for him to try and he didn't have to no matter what happened cause i done it all it was easier then having the bad arguments again he never physically hurt me but he has a temper like his dasd and i have lost count over the years of what has been broken in our houise.I know its wrong to think of this but its what going through my head all the time with the thoughts of can i do this can i leave cause i seriously don't think i love him enough to keep going anymore .At the moment he has done a lot but i can't feel even gratitude to him for helping i keep thinking if he saw this a bit earlier helped a bit earlier i wouldn't hate myself so much now

Thanks for your honesty Karen.

I'm not you, I haven't had to live your life or lived with Jason but what I hear in what you have said is that you are tired and need a break and that at the moment you are not getting a break. Because of that I think it makes sense that you are not sure of how much you love Jason. Stress, over worked or depression and the such like do that to you.

How you get a break I am not sure as for you to go away for a couple of day would make it hard on the kids and Jason. However I do believe you need to try and do that even if it is just for 48 hours so that you have a complete break from everything - including a mobile phone!

Give it some thought - and when you are ready discuss it with Jason as he may have been part of the problem but he is also willing to be a part of the solution which includes helping you back to being yourself again.

Not sure if this helps much. :(

[banjo]

since Karen is still up & awake i asked her to cut my hair getting to woolly now had to let me hat out yesterday...Just glad we have new clipers the last ones used to bite a lot & got bloody , mite be the same this time seeing as how Karen feels. . . .:o


I didn't get me hair cut so i'm still all woolly..:o:p:eek:

[Ausfree]

Got the grandkids over again this weekend, poor little buggers, they made up all these cards at school for their dad and because he couldn't give two hoots about them they gave the cards to me, some had "Pop" on them, the four of them couldn't wait till I woke up this morning and they all came into the bedroom to wish me a "Happy Fathers Day, Pop" I gave them all a cuddle and thanked them very much and made a big fuss over the cards they made up. Ah, well their good for nothing father's loss is my gain!!!;)

[banjo]

Better than i got Cody just got up & pistoff to a mate..Micayla got up then went back to bed got up much later & said Happy fathers day & is now on the computer ..I didn't want anything this year because of the way the mood is around here.....But as usual they don.t realy get interested in it...

[banjo]

hi this is extremly hard for me i don't know what to say jason is trying to give me space but being in the same house...not easy done .I feel that my mind and body don't belong to me anymore my body keeps betraying me i can't go for a walk or do groceries without needing to come home and sleep the rest of the day i hate that so much i am not used to feeling helpless as such i have always though of myself as a strong person now i can't do anything .I don't know if i can live like this anymore if i want my life to be like this i know i am hurting jason because i blame him and maybe this is not fair but all i think of is the bad stuff that it used to be like me getting abusive phone calls from him when i was at my parents instead of home with him and smiling so my family didn't know the fierce arguments when i got home me giving up the one thing i loved doing my gym and personal trainer studies because he didn't like it every guy i spoke to i was running away with going through both pregnancies feeling i was alone cause jas really didn't come to any doctors or ultra sound he missed so much me waitting till really last minute when i went into labour both times because i was worried about him being alone and coming home straight away again for the same reason i don't even want to start on his mum and dad i could they drive me crazy they have buggered our livr so much no one knows how much i blame them am i crazy for thinking like this i don't know think i love him enough to keep going i know there is room for improvement bot i know i am pulling more and more away from jason because he has hurt me so much i don't trust him he tells me he wants to change but he has let me down so many times i don't know if i can open to him again i am having enough trouble pulling myself up this time .For so long i have felt like a single parent anyway i do everything from school shopping to parent interviews jason don't come to any of it its like he doesn't care thats what i feel like like we are not important enough have never been for him to try and he didn't have to no matter what happened cause i done it all it was easier then having the bad arguments again he never physically hurt me but he has a temper like his dasd and i have lost count over the years of what has been broken in our houise.I know its wrong to think of this but its what going through my head all the time with the thoughts of can i do this can i leave cause i seriously don't think i love him enough to keep going anymore .At the moment he has done a lot but i can't feel even gratitude to him for helping i keep thinking if he saw this a bit earlier helped a bit earlier i wouldn't hate myself so much now

I have been trying to push Karen back to the gym for nearly 2 years now.
Hopping that she will do it cause she does need something to do on her own & if she can get into a course for the trainer great....
I wont give her any grief over it because i get to see her at home & excited to tell me all about it & i don't have to be jelouse as use have pointed out SHE IS COMING HOME TO ME NO ONE ELSE . .

[easo]

I was actually home this year. Ice coffie, bacon and eggs. Plus 3 little ferral boys "sharing'' the plate. Now to wash the sheets.

Easo

[DiscoMick]

Gotta say I'm impressed with the way Karen and Jason have shared about all this. I guess this is what should happen in a private counselling session, except its not private.
I haven't been in your shoes, so I can't tell you what to do. All I can do is comment on what I observe. What I observe is mostly positive, believe it or not.

You both want the relationship to work.
You both want the future to be better.
You both want each other to be happy.


You both also share fears about whether it can work in the future, which is normal, but at least you both feel the same.
Now, if you could focus on the positive things you share, then maybe you could jointly work through your fears. But you've got to give each other time and not push each other faster than the other person is comfortable with. And you've both got to be very patient and understanding.
Easy for me to say, but I really hope you can make it work.

[banjo]

Gotta say I'm impressed with the way Karen and Jason have shared about all this. I guess this is what should happen in a private counselling session, except its not private.


I haven't been in your shoes, so I can't tell you what to do. All I can do is comment on what I observe. What I observe is mostly positive, believe it or not.

You both want the relationship to work.
You both want the future to be better.
You both want each other to be happy.
You both also share fears about whether it can work in the future, which is normal, but at least you both feel the same.
Now, if you could focus on the positive things you share, then maybe you could jointly work through your fears. But you've got to give each other time and not push each other faster than the other person is comfortable with. And you've both got to be very patient and understanding.
Easy for me to say, but I really hope you can make it work.

I think i do most of the pushing in this case though not meening to . I do like to show Karen i love her ..& i recon i have most of the fears..I only want Karen to be happy & i have told her latly if that meens her going back to the gym & to do some training then thats what she has to do i understand that...Karen doesn't show that she loves me with a kiss or cuddle or even just holding hands she never has & yes i do feel somewhat insurcure about that ..I also have said now that if i am having trouble getting out & she is off to the gym then just say NO & i will have to work it out for myself or wait till Karen is finished & able to help or i will just ask her to come with me when she gets back & she can sit in the car while i run into where ever it is i need ...But she is to do what she wants FIRST & to tell me NO yes i get bored but it hasn't killed me yet & if i do get in a mood then i have to deal with it & not take it out on Karen or the kids . Then when Karen is finished then she could help me if needed , I have actualy enjoyed & enjoying being able to do stuff for myself ,I know its not much but it is heaps in the way of helping Karen out which is what matters....& over time i recon i would be able to do more ..I even said to Karen today hey i spent a night away from you & drove myself there & back & have been sleeping in the swag for a few nights & it hasn't hurt me I recon i maybe able to go away over night eventualy I know thats not going to happen over night to..
& if there is an emergancy then i would ring her so she doesn't have to worry about me at home alone anymore.I have all you guys to thank for that.& i do understand how she says its very hard as she has had to do it for so long ...


PS i do mean it & it has to happen i know this..& i have promist i wont give Karen any greife over it...

[DiscoMick]

That's great mate. Just keep being positive and it will all be OK.

Remember too that who we are doesn't depend on what others think or say. It's about our view of ourselves.
If we think of ourselves as good people, although not perfect (who is?), then that's more important than worrying about what some other person may or may not think about us. Who cares about their opinions?
I realise that with what I know of your background that your confidence in yourself may have been knocked around a bit, but ultimately it's still true.

We are who we think we are.

It's an interesting exercise to make a list of who we think we are, the qualities and abilities we have. Most people who do this properly are surprised at how many positive things they can think up about themselves. It's all part of recognising our self-worth.

You are a worthwhile person Jason. So is Karen.

[Narangga]

I think i do most of the pushing in this case though not meening to . I do like to show Karen i love her ..& i recon i have most of the fears..I only want Karen to be happy & i have told her latly if that meens her going back to the gym & to do some training then thats what she has to do i understand that...Karen doesn't show that she loves me with a kiss or cuddle or even just holding hands she never has & yes i do feel somewhat insurcure about that ..I also have said now that if i am having trouble getting out & she is off to the gym then just say NO & i will have to work it out for myself or wait till Karen is finished & able to help or i will just ask her to come with me when she gets back & she can sit in the car while i run into where ever it is i need ...But she is to do what she wants FIRST & to tell me NO yes i get bored but it hasn't killed me yet & if i do get in a mood then i have to deal with it & not take it out on Karen or the kids . Then when Karen is finished then she could help me if needed , I have actualy enjoyed & enjoying being able to do stuff for myself ,I know its not much but it is heaps in the way of helping Karen out which is what matters....& over time i recon i would be able to do more ..I even said to Karen today hey i spent a night away from you & drove myself there & back & have been sleeping in the swag for a few nights & it hasn't hurt me I recon i maybe able to go away over night eventualy I know thats not going to happen over night to..
& if there is an emergancy then i would ring her so she doesn't have to worry about me at home alone anymore.I have all you guys to thank for that.& i do understand how she says its very hard as she has had to do it for so long ...


PS i do mean it & it has to happen i know this..& i have promist i wont give Karen any greife over it...

Mate that's the most positive and forward looking post you have made in this thread. Good onya :BigThumb:

[banjo]

Mate that's the most positive and forward looking post you have made in this thread. Good onya :BigThumb:


I think i do most of the pushing in this case though not meening to . I do like to show Karen i love her ..& i recon i have most of the fears..I only want Karen to be happy & i have told her latly if that meens her going back to the gym & to do some training then thats what she has to do i understand that...Karen doesn't show that she loves me with a kiss or cuddle or even just holding hands she never has & yes i do feel somewhat insurcure about that ..I also have said now that if i am having trouble getting out & she is off to the gym then just say NO & i will have to work it out for myself or wait till Karen is finished & able to help or i will just ask her to come with me when she gets back & she can sit in the car while i run into where ever it is i need ...But she is to do what she wants FIRST & to tell me NO yes i get bored but it hasn't killed me yet & if i do get in a mood then i have to deal with it & not take it out on Karen or the kids . Then when Karen is finished then she could help me if needed , I have actualy enjoyed & enjoying being able to do stuff for myself ,I know its not much but it is heaps in the way of helping Karen out which is what matters....& over time i recon i would be able to do more ..I even said to Karen today hey i spent a night away from you & drove myself there & back & have been sleeping in the swag for a few nights & it hasn't hurt me I recon i maybe able to go away over night eventualy I know thats not going to happen over night to..
& if there is an emergancy then i would ring her so she doesn't have to worry about me at home alone anymore.I have all you guys to thank for that.& i do understand how she says its very hard as she has had to do it for so long ...


PS i do mean it & it has to happen i know this..& i have promist i wont give Karen any greife over it...

Left a bit out Karen doesn't tell me she loves me unless i have asked . .

Its hard to tell most of the time if she does so yes i am insurcure about that bit. . . .

[DiscoMick]

That's nothing unusual mate. Most people are the same. I wouldn't read anything into that at all.

[Ausfree]

Banjo, have you made a REALLY,REALLY POSITIVE STEP of seeking professional assistance yet, I feel if you haven't mate, you are like a ship without a rudder just going in circles and not getting anywhere, you need advice on which way you can go!!!:)

[Narangga]

That's nothing unusual mate. Most people are the same. I wouldn't read anything into that at all.

X2 ;)

[banjo]

I am so glad thats fairly normal then . .. .. . . :D;):p:cool:

[banjo]

Looks like i mite have another project to keep me busy .ASWELL as finishing the spare wheel carier. ..

http://www.aulro.com/afvb/series-3/112516-side-toolboxes.html

[Ausfree]

thanks for the "Thanks" Banjo, much appreciated, so I will take that as a "NO". Dear oh dear, we all need advice, nobody is an expert on everything!!!:(

[Narangga]

I am so glad thats fairly normal then . .. .. . . :D;):p:cool:

Only as normal as the rest of us :o :D :p ;) :eek2:


Looks like i mite have another project to keep me busy .ASWELL as finishing the spare wheel carier. ..

http://www.aulro.com/afvb/series-3/112516-side-toolboxes.html

Saw that thread. Sounds like a good idea.

Must admit I have been tempted to ask what happened to the tyre carrier.

[The ho har's]

That's nothing unusual mate. Most people are the same. I wouldn't read anything into that at all.


X2 ;)

Hey guys wake up :eek: Harry tells me EVERY day that he loves me...and gives me a cuddle when he says it:D


I am so glad thats fairly normal then . .. .. . . :D;):p:cool:

No not normal at all...from a females point of view here...

Mrs hh:angel:

[banjo]

I been on the fone to Ian for awhile was good chatting...
Karen spoke to him as well ,Don't know what was said but Karen smiled & was a little crying to so it must of been good .. . . .

[banjo]

Hey guys wake up :eek: Harry tells me EVERY day that he loves me...and gives me a cuddle when he says it:D



No not normal at all...from a females point of view here...

Mrs hh:angel:

I tell Karen a few times a day that i love her .. . .

[banjo]

Oh & we where having a look on line lastnight & again tonight for some gym courses for personal trainer for Karen & founf some in newcastle tonight so Karen is going to look into them this week . . . .

[V8Ian]

I been on the fone to Ian for awhile was good chatting...
Karen spoke to him as well ,Don't know what was said but Karen smiled & was a little crying to so it must of been good .. . . .
Sorry Karen, I didn't mean to make you cry; but I still can't elope with you. :p

[V8Ian]

:MileStone: Do you realize, Jason, that this thread now has 3912 posts? :o 3912 divided by 2 (because you posted nearly half) = 1956, that's about 2,000 posts from friends who care enough about your family to help, support and advise you. :D I think you should start a fan club, and give us autographed pictures of the four of you. ;) That sort of response must make this the most important thread on the site, mate. :eek:

[banjo]

While i was talking to Ian lastnight i was telling him about Micayla ,She was telling me yesterdat at aldi her & one of her friends go around the carparks for aldi & woollies & get as many trollies as they can find & get the coins out of then, well they got $3 out of them the other day so they where both able to buy a drink..She thought it was good ,I just said ok if your that bored it gives use something to do & atleast there not upto mischeff like others...

[banjo]

Sorry Karen, I didn't mean to make you cry; but I still can't elope with you. :p


Na but i'm still hoping i can with Karen...

[V8Ian]

Na but i'm still hoping i can with Karen...
I hope that my comment made her laugh. :D

[banjo]

well mowed the lawn this morning done the washing ,went & got the pamphlets was chatting up there fpor awhile <Then went down to aldi to get some stuff we needed...Karen came with me today she went for a walk while i mowed the lawn then came with me & now she is completly buggered so i am going to get her to have a sleep on the lounge....
I will be back online in a couple of hours when i have lunch i am going to fold 5000 pamphlets now i wont be finished till very late tonight....:eek::p

[JohnF]

I meant that you're not on your own with the praying bit. :o

there may be a lot more people out there praying for you than you ever realise. I for one am praying for you.

[banjo]

well about halfway there so i will still be folding till very late........

[Narangga]

well about halfway there so i will still be folding till very late........

Especially while you are still logged in here ... :angel:

[banjo]

Well i'm starting to feel realy worried now Karen & I have never ever been this bad & Karen has never made me sleep elsewhere before...We have has arguments but never anything like this...I miss her so much ..I realy do know how much i stand to loose over my lazyness & not helping I WILL never see any of them ever again if i have to go , Karen & I both know this & I have never been this frightend in my hole life..I am more scared about loosing Karen & the kids then what i am of going back to what i used to have at my parents . You know for the first time in 23 years Karen has made me panic & have panic attacks . Karen still looks at me like i'm a peice of **** scum sleeze everytime she looks at me she cant look me in the face & just hates being near me. .:(:(:(

[banjo]

HEY I'M NOT WOOLY
ANYMORE
& everything is still
atatched with no
blood.
:angel:
:angel:
:angel:

[V8Ian]

Jason, twenty three years of damage will not be repaired in a week. Give Karen some room to breath, stop putting pressure on her and conduct yourself as you intend to in the future. Pressuring Karen will only turn her against you, she needs space to empty her head and put it back in order.

[Ausfree]

G'Day Banj, well my Freebie is booked into All FOUR X4 on Thursday to have the low level coolant alarm fitted. I wanted it done before we head off to the Landrover Show at Castle Hill, we are going to meet at the Twin Servo's on the F3 and then convoy down to Sydney. Looks like about 5 or 6 LandRovers might be in the convoy. Should be a good day, I am looking forward to it, particularly meeting other Forum members.!!!!:D

[JohnF]

there may be a lot more people out there praying for you than you ever realise. I for one am praying for you.

and should have added am also praying for Karen.

[banjo]

well guys if use see a site or know of anywhere i can get a cheap car fridge/freezer please post it up or pm me if you know someone with one cheap as i do need one .Karen is seriously sure its over & i need one ....I dodn't have a great deal of money so around the $300 would be good if any of use know of one or site i should look at post them up & i will check them out.....





Thanks Jason...





PS Karen went to the gym today & picked up the forms to join & do the direct debit so she is filling them out tonight & taking them back in the morning ..She called into the tattoo shop aswell & is booked in for first thing friday morning at 10. she is getting it on her belly now just above her belly button......

[banjo]

Karen tells me i am still up in her face & she feels i am still pushing her ..I do not meen to i just want to talk to her , she is all i have had to talk to for 23 years & i love talking to her. . When i wake her up i talk to her & when i put her to bed i talk to her & just in general i talk to her . ..

So i guess i realy am a ****up to her & more trouble than i'm worth & i still manage to **** her off ....

I miss having her to talk to about anything & everything. . . .

I still cant open myself up to tell all use everything that has happend to me or what i go through as it is very hard to talk about, but with Karen it is differant . . ...


I am trying my guts out to proove to Karen that i wont let her down & that she can trust me to keep at this..I will slow down once everything is ok if it works out as Karen hates that i am doing everything..The only thing Karen has asked me to do is help out a bit by picking up my smokes occationaly & if she forgets something say grab your bag i will run you down or even just go myself if i can & get the papers sometimes when she is out so she doesn't have to hurry or worry about them.& when posable maybe do something for myself...BUT i have to give her her space & i seem to **** that up bigtime..& i have to amuse myself more so that Karen doesn't feel she needs to be at home with me ........So she hasn't realy asked much of me concidering what she has done for me......& she needs to do somethings on her own with out me or the kids..& she doesn't have to worry about me at home , & i have been trying to get her to not worry about me at home anymore ..I do have lots that can be done here its just not having the shed to work in anymore & thats playing bigtime on both of us as i used to spend lots of time in the shed on my own & Karen could just sit & watch a movie if she wanted....BUT here that doesn't happen....

[banjo]

Hey what do you know i can do things...Was about to start tea but there was no tomato paste for me mince so off i goes to aldi got that some bread & even some garlic & back all on my own..So i spose i should get it going now...:eek:;):D:p

[DiscoMick]

Just give her space. Give her time and she will come to you, which is what you want, but if you push her she will back off.
You're doing well. Keep being positive.
You need a shed!

[Grockle]

Jas,you can text or call if you want to mate

[banjo]

Hey hey & away we go donkey riding donkey riding . .. . ..


Use will never guess. . You know how i wont go out after eating , UM well Karen & i just got back after delivering the papers AND after i had a huge tea i drove & Karen threw them . .That is something i have never ever done before ....


Thats a first ever for me. . .Just mite have to undo my jeans button next time if there is one...

[DiscoMick]

Well done.

[Grockle]

another goal reached

[V8Ian]

Jason, you've done really well personally, Aldi and the papers; good one mate, I'm stoked. Now get out of Karen's face and things may start to turn around.

[Ausfree]

Couldn't agree more Ian, it appears every which way Karen turns, Jason is there. Backoff Jason and relax a little, go somewhere and read a book, go and work on the Landy, go for a walk with the dog, go for a drive out to my place, but GIVE KAREN SOME AIR, she needs to clear her head, mate!!!:):)If you want to drive to my place I will be home after 1pm, as you know I like to relax and have a few beers down the Edgy Pub with the boys and sort out the world's problems!!!;):)

[banjo]

Hey Aus how long did they say it would take to fit your sencer tomorrow . I have to get a new blinker stalk , every time i put a blinker on my highbeems go on & off . .. . .

[Ausfree]

Hey Jason, no way would Mrs Aus and myself would be hanging around each other all day, we would finish up throttling each other. When she goes out, its great I have the house to myself, I can watch a war DVD whith the 5.1 sound turned up and no whinges from the better half about the volume,or I can listen to my favourite records. Try it sometimes mate!!!!:):)

[banjo]

Since we did the papers last night i'm not sure what i will do today. Have to stay away from Karen although i said i would take her to the gym so she can put all her paperwork in but i doubt she will want me to go with her. . .We where both saying i need to have a couple of days at home & then go out so as i don't fall as such cause of me going out everyday if i was to have a day at home doing nothing i mite slip..Sorta retraining everything. .. . .

[Ausfree]

Hey Aus how long did they say it would take to fit your sencer tomorrow . I have to get a new blinker stalk , every time i put a blinker on my highbeems go on & off . .. . . 2 hours, mate. I will be down there at 8am!!!:)

[banjo]

Hey Jason, no way would Mrs Aus and myself would be hanging around each other all day, we would finish up throttling each other. When she goes out, its great I have the house to myself, I can watch a war DVD whith the 5.1 sound turned up and no whinges from the better half about the volume,or I can listen to my favourite records. Try it sometimes mate!!!!:):)

Gees i haven't seen any of those for awhile..
we would love that here but we don't have a stereo anymore the last house claimed it cause of the old wireing through the house..

[banjo]

Hey Gillie i sent you a text the other day i hope you got it..

[banjo]

2 hours, mate. I will be down there at 8am!!!:)

You could always walk over to super crap they have a big sale on at the moment. . . .

[banjo]

Jason,

I read your post and understand your situation; my heart goes out to you and Karen.

My wife has had agoraphobia for 25 years. While its severity changes over time, depending on what's happening in our lives, its always there. Right now we can travel reasonably easy around the suburb but anything beyond that is a major exercise involving mental preparation and planning, and Xanax.

Going somewhere and having to turn around, lying to people about the reasons for not going to parties and functions, making excuses, not being able to maintain friendships (Bit hard to invite people over if you can reciprocate right?), yep been there done that, still there now. The people thing is most difficult aspect I think; if you're a good liar like me, people eventual think you're either antisocial or just plain don't like them, so they stop contacting you, when in reality the opposite is true. Even good friends lose patience or interest after a while.

I could write more but that'll only depress you and me even more, so hang in there is all I can say.

Mark


I'm just starting to redo that & i'm enjoying it sofar with not to much panicy..

[Ausfree]

Gees i haven't seen any of those for awhile..
we would love that here but we don't have a stereo anymore the last house claimed it cause of the old wireing through the house.. I recently bought a turntable from Aldi which plugs into my 5.1 sound system which means I can play my old albums, I have quite a collection. Its great to hear some of the old songs again!!!:)

[banjo]

Well been leaving Karen alone didn't even wake her today she got up on her own had a shower i was doing the washing , when i did that & finished i grabed me book & went & sat up near the car in the sun to read , after a while Karen came out as she was sitting out the front in the sun & now has gone for a drive to get out of here for awhile she said , but she left her gym papers here & said we would go down when she gets back.....So yeah i leaving her alone & she buggered off....:D:D

[V8Ian]

Jim, I have a turntable here that connects via USB. so I can save the vinyl onto CD, itunes etc..

[Ausfree]

Jim, I have a turntable here that connects via USB. so I can save the vinyl onto CD, itunes etc.. Yeah Ian, mine has the USB port also, when I get some time I will download music onto CD!!!!:D

[Ausfree]

Well been leaving Karen alone didn't even wake her today she got up on her own had a shower i was doing the washing , when i did that & finished i grabed me book & went & sat up near the car in the sun to read , after a while Karen came out as she was sitting out the front in the sun & now has gone for a drive to get out of here for awhile she said , but she left her gym papers here & said we would go down when she gets back.....So yeah i leaving her alone & she buggered off....:D:D
What a great idea, Banjo, as somebody said earlier on this Thread (I think it was Ian) "you can't undo 23 years worth of damage in a week". Also in the words of the great DR PHIL, "if she ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"!!!:) Just give her space, keep out of her face, but be there if she needs you and only IF SHE NEEDS YOU!!!:)

[Ausfree]

Well Banj, back from the Pub, worlds problems solved having some lunch and then I will wash the Freelander!!!!:):)

[banjo]

Karen ended up going down to the lake to read for awhile went to go for a walk but got to tired so came home .Then we went down to the gym so she could put her forms in . .She has to go down there saturday at 10.30 for orientation & emergancy proceedures & one of the staff will show her around the equitment & she get her swip card to get in as its one of those 24hr places..

Then we went for a drive over to wallsend to fill in time to get lunch & ended up just coming home..
Karen is asleep on the lounge now & i will get her up for tea...

[Ausfree]

That's it Banj, easy does it!!:)

[Ausfree]

Hey Banj, hows it going mate???:)

[banjo]

Well i ran Karen a bath so she is in there with a book & said she would yell when ready to get out. . ..

[banjo]

Hey Banj, hows it going mate???:)

You realy don't want to know. . I broke down today . . .

The thought of loosing Karen & the kids is making me so scared & Karen thinks she is pretty sure she wants to end it as i have taken to much out of her she is completly emotionaly dead she said & has no physical feelings toward me what so ever.....


So i am realy ****ing myself on the inside..Karen is the first person ever to show me anything ,love ,care & just someone who wanted me ,even Karens parent treated me better than anyone has ever before . . .

So the thought of loosing her is realy hard i'm shaking like a leaf on the inside & just keeping it together on the outside . .I never ever thought i would hear Karen say that she hates me ..

And its even worse now as use have explained lots to me & i know what i did do to Karen & what i took from her for years...
I realy do understand now what i have done to Karen . .It took this to happen & use to tell it to me like retard for me to understand what a relationship should be & not one thing i do or say will make a differance to Karen .. .

I can't change the past but i would love to have the chance to make a differance in the future . .BUT KAREN SAYS IT TO LATE i should of done this along time ago on my own instead of use all telling me what was expected of me in this relationship.

I honestly didn't know any differant to what i was doing untill now & i did not delibetly do this ..


Karen is the very first person to care for me to love me & to want to be with me .I do know what i have done & i believe i could keep up with this for Karen ..Karen knows my limits better even i do & what she wants of me isn't much at all...pickup the pamphlets if she is out so she doesn't feel like she has to rush to get them & the same with my smokes .& to make an efort to try & get to some of Cody's footy training & the accasonaly to a home footy game . . & just to help out so she isn't so run down . . .

[Ausfree]

Banjo, old son, as you sow, so shall you reap!!!;) Listen, if you have treated Karen like **** over the years, what do you expect. I am afraid you do need to tread carefully and as we keep saying, give her space to clear her head and don't be like a little puppy dog hanging around all the time. We all need space, we don't need to control our partners life, let them do their own thing, enjoy their friends company, go shopping, do what THEY WANT TO DO without you hanging around in the background. Mate, seriously, I keep saying this, you do your thing, get a hobby, DO SOMETHING, but don't keep hanging around and bugging Karen.
You two are in that house together, with no escape from each other and I can't believe its taken Karen 23 years to get jack of it. I would have gotten the ****s in 6 months if Mrs Aus kept hanging around me.;) Mate, I am laying this on the line because seriously, I worry about you and you really need Professional advice. Sorry to keep banging on about this, but I am looking in from the outside with a fresh pair of eyes and you either take advice or keep going around in circles with no escape!!!;):)

[Ausfree]

Banjo, I have a challenge for you, lets push the envelope mate, I will be down at ALL FOUR x4 tomorrow at 8am as you know. I would absolutely love to see you walk in the door. I will only be their for 2 hours while the work is being done on my Freebie, we can sit there and chat or go for a walk. Either way, it gets you out of the house and away from Karen so she can do her own thing!!!!:) The balls in your court, push the envelope, don't let Agrophobia tell you what to do, you tell it what to do!!!:twisted:

[V8Ian]

Banjo, I have a challenge for you, lets push the envelope mate, I will be down at ALL FOUR x4 tomorrow at 8am as you know. I would absolutely love to see you walk in the door. I will only be their for 2 hours while the work is being done on my Freebie, we can sit there and chat or go for a walk. Either way, it gets you out of the house and away from Karen so she can do her own thing!!!!:) The balls in your court, push the envelope, don't let Agrophobia tell you what to do, you tell it what to do!!!:twisted:
Good call Jim.

[banjo]

Banjo, I have a challenge for you, lets push the envelope mate, I will be down at ALL FOUR x4 tomorrow at 8am as you know. I would absolutely love to see you walk in the door. I will only be their for 2 hours while the work is being done on my Freebie, we can sit there and chat or go for a walk. Either way, it gets you out of the house and away from Karen so she can do her own thing!!!!:) The balls in your court, push the envelope, don't let Agrophobia tell you what to do, you tell it what to do!!!:twisted:


Yeah right i have never been there on my own & i defanatly couldn't sit there for any time with out ****ting my self ,Thats even if i made it there. . .

[Ausfree]

C'mon, Banj, I didn't let Cancer beat me, I went through a major operation along with chemo and radio therapy and it WAS NOT GOING TO BEAT ME, what do you say, do I see you tomorrow!!!:)

[Narangga]

Banjo, old son, as you sow, so shall you reap!!!;) Listen, if you have treated Karen like **** over the years, what do you expect. I am afraid you do need to tread carefully and as we keep saying, give her space to clear her head and don't be like a little puppy dog hanging around all the time. We all need space, we don't need to control our partners life, let them do their own thing, enjoy their friends company, go shopping, do what THEY WANT TO DO without you hanging around in the background. Mate, seriously, I keep saying this, you do your thing, get a hobby, DO SOMETHING, but don't keep hanging around and bugging Karen.
You two are in that house together, with no escape from each other and I can't believe its taken Karen 23 years to get jack of it. I would have gotten the ****s in 6 months if Mrs Aus kept hanging around me.;) Mate, I am laying this on the line because seriously, I worry about you and you really need Professional advice. Sorry to keep banging on about this, but I am looking in from the outside with a fresh pair of eyes and you either take advice or keep going around in circles with no escape!!!;):)

Hey Banjo what are the options for a shed/shelter so you can work on the Landie so the you are:

1) out of the house, and
2) doing something that interestes you and keeps you busy?

[banjo]

C'mon, Banj, I didn't let Cancer beat me, I went through a major operation along with chemo and radio therapy and it WAS NOT GOING TO BEAT ME, what do you say, do I see you tomorrow!!!:)


I have to be careful if i push to hard the after efects could have Karen telling me to pack my bags & go tomorrow she has to deal with the after efects & sometimes they can be real bad . . .& i don't want to have to see mums house just yet .. . ..

[banjo]

Hey Banjo what are the options for a shed/shelter so you can work on the Landie so the you are:

1) out of the house, and
2) doing something that interestes you and keeps you busy?



:Rolling::Rolling::Rolling: NONE..

[banjo]

hEY aUS ARE YOU STAYING THERE WHILE THEY WORK ON YOUR CAR . . . .

[Ausfree]

hEY aUS ARE YOU STAYING THERE WHILE THEY WORK ON YOUR CAR . . . .Yeah mate, my plan was to take a newspaper along to read, its only 2 hours, of cause if you turn up we can....

1) sit and talk.
2)go for a walk.
3)go for a drive in the green machine.

Whatever, I would consider it a :MileStone:if you turned up, really it would be a great achievement for you!!!:)

[banjo]

You know i'm realy starting to feel like a retard looser & complete ****up big time ..If you gave me something that i could pull apart i could fix it ..Everything i do is wrong I have no idea what so ever ..

Wish i hadn't started this thread sometimes i should of just stayed offline I'm a ****ed up retard Yes i'm not quiet the full dollar & it hurts big time ....

I didn't see my kids being born but when i am so down i can remember ringing Karen just after micayla was born & hearing her crying & it gets me through the ****iest time Plus when Cody was born Karen rang me & the first thing she said to me was HE has red hair BUT he has your eye's...
They gets me through so much...

I can remember geting my head cracked open with a wooden rolling pin for something i did wrong these sort of things are always in the back of my mind & i think of fred crying after being born & it picks me up same with Cody's. .Had to say at the hospital that i ran under a fence thats how it happend....Actualy use could name something from a house hold & i could probably tell you what it feels like to be hit with it.....I want all this to go away so i can have some normal but it wont its not cureable at all so they stay & i have to manage..
I remember runing backwards to catch a boomarang & i hit a star picket & riped my ear bad with some lots of blood i remember being told shut the **** up put a bandaid on it .....

We had friends over when i was just going through pubity & i remember my mother & the other lady saying c'mon you show us yours & we will show you ours...
Was playing with a lighter once & sinjed my hair & mother said here i'll show you & i got burned for it...

I was taught to swim when young can't remember where it was but i was just thrown in there ya go you'll learn now....

So use tell me why should Karen give me another chance when this goes through my head all the time & there is NOTHING that can be done about it & when i have done what i have because i an so scared of loosing the only person to have shown me some love & care & respect for the first time ever anyone has done that for me..

SO yes i am a retard for ****ing Karen over so bad after she has done so much for me its not funny .....
Karen is the only person on this earth that i completly trust with my life..
& what makes it so worse is Karen has been telling me the same things as you guys but i have never seen it till use put it in retard turms for me & it kills me to have not seen it when Karen told me all this over the years So why in hell would the poor woman trust me again or open herself to me just for me to do it again . . . .

Maybe i should close the thread & just get off the net altogether..

WORSTE of all is know in myself what i have done for so long to KAREN . .


I AM SO ****ED UP & THE BEST THAT COULD HAPPEN IS THAT I CAN CONTROL IT TO SOME DEGREE...

BUT LOOK WHAT EVERYONE SO IMPORTANT TO ME HAS TO GO THROUGH . .

[Ausfree]

Now look here, GRRRRRR, you are NOT A RETARD FOR CHRISTS SAKE, the past is the past Banjo, you are using that as a crutch for not moving forward, do you want me to go over AGAIN WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. OK here we go again............
1) Dad bashed Mum when he come home from the Pub drunk, bashed older brother also.
2) First wife died suddenly at the age of 27, leaving me with two young children to raise.
3) Went through difficulties with the stepson and his drug problems.
4) Bowel cancer and the resultant radio and chemo therapy.
SO DON"T TELL ME IT CAN"T BE DONE BANJO. YOU ARE TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT FOR CHRIST SAKES. FACE UP TO YOUR DEMONS.

BANJO, WHAT IS DONE IS DONE, yesterday is history, are you going to let it ruin the rest of your life, are you going to get to 80 years of age and realise you have spent YOUR WHOLE LIFE GOING OVER WHAT IS DONE IS DONE.
You have Karen who has spent 23 years trying to drag you back from the edge, has she wasted her time? You have two children, who need you, are you going to let them down. Jesus mate, look to the future, THE PAST IS THE PAST AND WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!!!!!;)

[banjo]

Now look here, GRRRRRR, you are NOT A RETARD FOR CHRISTS SAKE, the past is the past Banjo, you are using that as a crutch for not moving forward, do you want me to go over AGAIN WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. OK here we go again............
1) Dad bashed Mum when he come home from the Pub drunk, bashed older brother also.
2) First wife died suddenly at the age of 27, leaving me with two young children to raise.
3) Went through difficulties with the stepson and his drug problems.
4) Bowel cancer and the resultant radio and chemo therapy.
SO DON"T TELL ME IT CAN"T BE DONE BANJO. YOU ARE TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT FOR CHRIST SAKES. FACE UP TO YOUR DEMONS.

BANJO, WHAT IS DONE IS DONE, yesterday is history, are you going to let it ruin the rest of your life, are you going to get to 80 years of age and realise you have spent YOUR WHOLE LIFE GOING OVER WHAT IS DONE IS DONE.
You have Karen who has spent 23 years trying to drag you back from the edge, has she wasted her time? You have two children, who need you, are you going to let them down. Jesus mate, look to the future, THE PAST IS THE PAST AND WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!!!!!;)

I bloody hope not i don't want to live that long..

Don't bet on it if someone goes off at me neary cower down..
My past is stuck in my head for good . ..

[banjo]

Jason,

I read your post and understand your situation; my heart goes out to you and Karen.

My wife has had agoraphobia for 25 years. While its severity changes over time, depending on what's happening in our lives, its always there. Right now we can travel reasonably easy around the suburb but anything beyond that is a major exercise involving mental preparation and planning, and Xanax.

Going somewhere and having to turn around, lying to people about the reasons for not going to parties and functions, making excuses, not being able to maintain friendships (Bit hard to invite people over if you can reciprocate right?), yep been there done that, still there now. The people thing is most difficult aspect I think; if you're a good liar like me, people eventual think you're either antisocial or just plain don't like them, so they stop contacting you, when in reality the opposite is true. Even good friends lose patience or interest after a while.

I could write more but that'll only depress you and me even more, so hang in there is all I can say.

Mark

ITS Just not that easy for us to do that unfortunatly.. IF i could of forgot it all AUS i wouldn't have a problem at all & i would be normal . ..

& its hard to explain it .. .

[V8Ian]

Banjo, face and beat your demons. It can be done, and you can do it. Your biggest fear is fear its self and failure.
Agoraphobia is like a bully, it falters when you stand up to it; it dies when you keep standing up to it. You took a stand when you started this thread, look at what you have achieved since you started this thread on the 16th of January this year. It hasn't been easy, but you did it. You showed everyone, and the condition that you were stronger than agoraphobia, as Jim said, don't let it control you but the other way round.
When my son was in grade four my youngest daughter was in grade one. there were three brats, two in grade five and one in grade four, who together had all the kids in the school scared of them. One day at knock off time, Loz was waiting outside Ben's class room for him, the two grade five brats were waiting for their mate there too. When the kids had been let out, the bullies were picking on Benj, but he refused to react (he was as scared of them as the rest of the kids). The three boys started pushing and shoving Ben, trying to get a reaction. They got a reaction when Loz was pushd over into a rose bush. He flogged one of the boys, reducing him to tears, the other two bolted. Word got round the school that these horrors weren't invincible, they'd lost their grip.
Mate agoraphobia is bullying you, you've shown you can stand up to it, but it's still trying to bluff you, DON'T LET IT! We're here to back you up if you need us. Your progress will be exponential, as long as you remain positive, you will progress more in the next nine months than you have in the past nine months. Remember Jason, you have a lot of mates out here, ready and willing to help you along the way. We know it won't be easy, but we'll still be here for you mate. :)

[banjo]

Well thats beenan interesting night for me..Karen has to clean the house today not ours the lady she does it for..I am worried about her doing it as she only has to do something for about an hour & she is completly stuffed & needs to sleep.....I have to take Karen shopping today when she gets home if i'm lucky i will be able to get her to have a sleep first..I will be shopping ,paying the bills & everything today wether its on my own or maybe with Karen beside me .....

I have been up pacing the boards most of the night with nerves as i have to be somewhere today to meet Aus...So i think i have lost & wrecked my chances of Karen ever giving me a chance again ..After she read all last night i could see it on her face that she new what i was going to be like & she probably seen it on my face how nervous i was of having to be there....

I didn't wake Karen last night while pacing & i never woke her to help me i delt with it..

Karen told me to wake her at 8 thismorning. . .It will be after 9 by the time she leaves...so that gives me an hour to get to kotara & see Aus before he is finished where he is....

Then get back here to be ready to go shopping....

But i think i have stuffed everything with Karen...She is so hurt by me seeing it now as use told me & she has been telling me for years....

[banjo]

Gees i could goto sleep easy ..got the kids lunches done just waiting for them to get up then push them to get ready or your going to be late & i'm not giving you a lift..

[Ausfree]

I bloody hope not i don't want to live that long..

Don't bet on it if someone goes off at me neary cower down..
My past is stuck in my head for good . ..
Good Morning Banjo, I just read the latest posts and this statement stands out about not living to 80. Mate, on saturday 12/9/2010 I turn 65, so in the eyes of the government I am "Officially Old", I have applied for and will receive the Old Age Pension, or portion thereof because I intend to keep working, I could'nt stand being stuck in this house with nothing to do.

Anyrate, I will be 80 in 15 years time, that is not a lot of time away and I tell you what, I want to live way past that if I can, because when I eventually fall out of my tree, I will be dead for a long, long time, no second goes at life mate!!!!;)
Now you at 38 are almost half way there, if you think 42 years is a long time think back the 38 years you have been alive and I bet you will be surprised at how quickly it has gone, so don't waste the next 42 years.:)

I said in one of my earlier posts in this Thread ( I think it was my first post, actually) we all get dealt our cards in lifes great Poker game and some of us get a Full House and some get 4 Aces, but others like you and me get cards that are harder to play, so you don't throw in your hand you play the game out, because you can still win if you stare your opponent (Agrophobia) down!!!:)

[Ausfree]

By the way, no cracks about me being an "Old Git" or an "Old Codger" by anyone on this Thread!!!:twisted:

[Ausfree]

ITS Just not that easy for us to do that unfortunatly.. IF i could of forgot it all AUS i wouldn't have a problem at all & i would be normal . ..

& its hard to explain it .. . Nobody is saying "Forget the Past" Banjo, I haven't forgotten mine, that is an impossibility, I too get flashbacks, What we are saying is learn how to handle the memories!!!:)

[Ausfree]

Banjo, do not feel "obligated" to meet me at Kotara, if you have plans with Karen , do it, she is more important to you than me. I have only made the suggestion to come down to Kotara if you have nothing to do!!:)

[banjo]

well just got back i went & seen Jim over at Kotara while his car was getting work done didn't realise i was there for as long as i was ,was there for half an hour . . .

[V8Ian]

Good on you Banjo, another :MileStone: :):):) Keep it going mate, you're slowly clawing back your life. :banana::banana::banana:

[Ausfree]

Yeah, nobody was more surprised than me, I got a shock when Banjo walked in the door, you could tell he was really pushing the envelope and we talked for about half an hour. Well done Banjo, you show the opponent (Agrophobia) who is in charge of your life.
I got the Low Level Coolant Alarm fitted and I notice they use the same one as the D2 V8. I am a lot more relaxed now as I don't want to cook a motor on top of all the expense I've had on this vehicle!!:D

[JohnF]

Maybe i should close the thread & just get off the net altogether..

I AM SO ****ED UP & THE BEST THAT COULD HAPPEN IS THAT I CAN CONTROL IT TO SOME DEGREE...

BUT LOOK WHAT EVERYONE SO IMPORTANT TO ME HAS TO GO THROUGH . .[/LEFT]

You need to stay on the net and keep working on your problems. Some of us have invested too much time in trying to help you for you to give up now. Some things have improved since you started this thread, and other things will improve also if you persevere. as Winston Churchill once said "Never give up, Never give up, Never Never ever give up."

[DiscoMick]

You know Banjo, you can't change the past or forget it, but you have ALREADY changed the present, which is just great. Think back to how you were when you started this thread and compare with now - you have already changed for the better. Isn't that great!
Now, just keep it going and you'll be fine. Look forwards, not backwards.
Oh, and it would help if you got some project happening in your life, to occupy your thinking.

[The ho har's]

You're doing well Banjo...top effort in visiting Aus...keep pushing forward;)

Mrs hh:angel:

[JohnF]

He Aus, I see you in your Avatar picture laying down and taking it easy. On the other hand perhaps I really do need glasses :D:D:D.

[Ausfree]

Yeah, mate I feel that reflects me perfectly, just take life as it comes!!!:)

[Ausfree]

You know, I asked Banjo today " do you have any personal friends" and he said "no, only the ones like you Aus on the internet", I felt sad for him, all females need female company and all males need male company. However, I felt honoured to be called one of Banjo's friends. I really wish there was some way we can get him out to meet people, but I am afraid he has his demon's to beat and that is a big task.
BANJO, WE ALL SUPPORT YOU, AND WE ARE HOPING FOR THE BEST FOR YOU.!!!!:)

[banjo]

Yeah, mate I feel that reflects me perfectly, just take life as it comes!!!:)

AH bull**** its just you showing your age :angel: .

[Ausfree]

Mate, seriously as you get older, you learn to not stress as much, lifes too short to worry about minor things!!!;)

[banjo]

Aus called into my place today on his way to work & showed me where they fited his low water level alarm & he said i got a couple of goodies for ya to...

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2010/09/1545.jpg


There great he said he got 2 of each when he got them & said i could have them. . . .

I very muchly appreciate them ..THANK AUS...

[Ausfree]

Bit blurry on the focus there Banj!!!:D

[banjo]

You know Banjo, you can't change the past or forget it, but you have ALREADY changed the present, which is just great. Think back to how you were when you started this thread and compare with now - you have already changed for the better. Isn't that great!
Now, just keep it going and you'll be fine. Look forwards, not backwards.
Oh, and it would help if you got some project happening in your life, to occupy your thinking.




:Rolling::Rolling::Rolling: Unfortunatly thats never going to happen again for me...









Although i was looking at some new tattoo kits on fleabay today , Quiet cheap these days you can get a full kit for around $170 with 4 machines of good quality. . . .

[banjo]

Bit blurry on the focus there Banj!!!:D

crappy little camera doesn't like close ups..

[banjo]

You know, I asked Banjo today " do you have any personal friends" and he said "no, only the ones like you Aus on the internet", I felt sad for him, all females need female company and all males need male company. However, I felt honoured to be called one of Banjo's friends. I really wish there was some way we can get him out to meet people, but I am afraid he has his demon's to beat and that is a big task.
BANJO, WE ALL SUPPORT YOU, AND WE ARE HOPING FOR THE BEST FOR YOU.!!!!:)


Unfortunatly all friends of mine lost interest in me long long ago I have only had Karen to talk to for so long...

I used to talk to our neighboures but one moved away & one died & haven't had any since moving in here . . .

I only have all you guys as friend now thats it..

[banjo]

well i seem to be staying away from Karen . I just ask every now & then if she wants something or wants me to get something for her...

Its so hard i am so lonely its like someone has cut my arms & legs off.....

[V8Ian]

You know, I asked Banjo today " do you have any personal friends" and he said "no, only the ones like you Aus on the internet", I felt sad for him, all females need female company and all males need male company. However, I felt honoured to be called one of Banjo's friends. I really wish there was some way we can get him out to meet people, but I am afraid he has his demon's to beat and that is a big task.
BANJO, WE ALL SUPPORT YOU, AND WE ARE HOPING FOR THE BEST FOR YOU.!!!!:)
I think Kev's got a winch on the Disco. :p

TOO RIGHT JIM. :)

[Ausfree]

Yeah Ian, I guess I have a bit of an advantage here, I have talked to Banjo on several occassions, even though I push hard at times, I can see it would be a big challenge. I said to Banjo today that I was going to the LandRover show at Castle Hill in a couple of weeks and that it was a pity he couldn't go, and Banjo said he would love to go but that is WAY TO MUCH OF A CHALLENGE.:( It is a shame because I feel that if he started to get more (male, in particular) company, it would help. But he does have genuine problems brought about by his upbringing. He has large Demons to beat!!!:(

[Ausfree]

Going to bed soon, Banj, I have to be at Sydney airport at six in the morning!!!:mad:

[banjo]

Going to bed soon, Banj, I have to be at Sydney airport at six in the morning!!!:mad:

You should tell them to fly to willamstowns it quicker maybe even cheaper to get you to pick up there..

[Ausfree]

Hey Banj, I am now a Chatterbox!!!:D

[banjo]

Hey Banj, I am now a Chatterbox!!!:D

as long as your denchers don't fall out you'll be right...:p

[V8Ian]

Yes Aus, small steps to begin with. I'm proud of what Jason's achieved to date, but let's not set our mate up for a fall by asking him to too run before he can walk. Pat yourself on the back Banjo. :)

[Gillie]

Hey Gillie i sent you a text the other day i hope you got it..

I did get it. But I'm not a big one for texting. I have one of those phones that has lots and lots of really small buttons........ And I have fat fingers. Happy to have a chat on the phone though.

My old man is almost 80 and he is worse than some of the kids with texting. I am always in trouble for not replying! :D

[Gillie]

on saturday 12/9/2010 I turn 65, so in the eyes of the government I am "Officially Old", I have applied for and will receive the Old Age Pension, or portion thereof because I intend to keep working,


Never heard of the Old aged pension. Must be for those people that look really old :p

Don't forget to apply for a seniors card too! :D