Embarrassment

[banjo]

trying to build a shed mate, my life is pretty boring ATM too. Cold and windy in tassie, not good for work. Going to look at one more job for the day and then back on the shed (I hope). With the internet stick, mine wont work right if I plug it into the wrong usb port, logs on but wont let me see pages outside telstra. vJust started raining (bugger). Bet the hand is sore today.
cheers
blaze

Bloody oath BIG bruise & all swollen big time.

[banjo]

Banjo, the problem with that idea (as I see it) is if you concentrate on getting Karen better, all you are doing is going back to square one, you will be just the same.:(
Now is the perfect time to say "RIGHT, THIS IT, I AM GOING TO SEEK HELP, IMPROVE MYSELF AND WHEN I SEE KAREN SHE WILL NOTICE A DIFFERENCE". I feel that if Karen see's a POSITIVE AND PERMANENT change in you, she will feel a lot better and that will improve your situation dramatically.:)
Mate, all you are doing at the moment is talking, talking, talking and feeling sorry for yourself, TIME TO ACT,MY BOY,TIME TO ACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!:burnrubber::BigThumb:

Yeah i'm being posative & i'm going to get help for myself , I just need to get back home for it as my docs down there..Cant just drive down & back that easy for me other wise i would of made an oppointment to get a referal ..But as soon as i'm back down home i will be at the docs..If i could just drive down there & back with no worries i wouldn't need the docs in the first place unfortunatly...I have stoped texting Karen & just give her a quick ring in the mornings to see how she is & how the kids are going...
Karen has a docs appointment on friday & is going to get a referal to see someone & then after some visits i mite be able to get back home & start to get the help for myself....

Yeah i am feeling sorry for myself this is the first time i have ever been away from Karen & the kids & i am trying to survive on my own , its not that good panic a bit & having trouble trying to eat right dont have the fasilities to cook everything dont want to go over to the house cause i feel realy uncomfortable there & dont do anything there anyway.....

I'm realy bored here & i cant go for a drive as i would be wasting fuel & cant aford to get more.....so only going out if i realy have to...

[JohnF]

Well couldn't get online lastnight having trouble with the internet key thing..Which sux because i signed up to MSN so i could chat to the kids so couldnt do that lastnight..

Went out yesterday & got some petrol in the car & went to the shopping village to get some pipe cleaners to clean the tips of the tattoo guns..
While there i ran into one of my sisters & was chating to her for a little bit then came back here.....

Getting bored lots & walking around alot just doing nothing The internet is bad here so cant jump online much which sux cause that passes the time chatting to you guys...

Not going anywhere today though...

Maybe there are hotspots you can access from your car. One guy I know gets on the Macdonalds net hotspot sitting in his car outside of Macdonalds. Lots of hot spots around here--and I would think a few near you.

I cannot recieve the net at home--get a message similar to "wireless hotspots not available," when I start my laptop at home--we do not have mobile phone, but have been told we have poor mobile reception.

But our local Library has a hotspot that is free, and I know and use others. For the price of a coffee--I do not drink much caffine-- I can get several hotspots around here, plus a few free ones.

[Ausfree]

Banjo, how far away from home are you???? You make it sound like its quite a way!!!!!:confused:

[Quarks]

Mate, I feel your pain, my first wife passed away at the age of 27 in 1974, leaving me with two children aged 6 years and 12 months to raise. Still haven't got over it!!!!:(

Thanks mate,

Not the best, but we just have to live with it. :(

Fortunately 6 years was long enough to get me hooked on Land Rovers :cool: (although it's probably genetic! :p)

:)

[JohnF]

Yeah i am feeling sorry for myself this is the first time i have ever been away from Karen & the kids & i am trying to survive on my own , its not that good panic a bit & having trouble trying to eat right dont have the fasilities to cook everything dont want to go over to the house cause i feel realy uncomfortable there & dont do anything there anyway....

Last Thursday I talked to a elderly man who chooses to live in his light ACE van. Because he does not like gas, he made himself a little wood stove from a 4 liter paint can with the bottom cut out of it and Triangular holes in the side--maybe 2 inches each side of the triangle, one down the bottom and two triangular holes 2/3 of the way up. Inside this is a Milo tin with holes in it but I did not look at these holes. And he puts sticks into it to heat his Cast Iron frying pan [and presumably a billy-can but did not ask him whether he had a billy can].

I have also seen other portable open fires made from a couple of truck rims. If my memory is correct--One on the ground to hold the wood facing the bowl of the rim up, and one upside down on top of it to hold heat in, and wood was fed in to the fire through the axle hole. A billy or frying pan could be placed over the axle hole to heat food. These rims had holes in them which let air get to the fire. Would not be usable during total fire ban, but could do a lot of cooking at other times-- and seemed to me to be a good Idea.

You would need to get a frying-pan--often very cheap from an op-shop, or you can find them by kerb-side shopping during Council Clean-up days. Or even use an old hub cap without its crome as a frying pan-- it has been done. Use pliers as the handle to remove the hot hub-cap and food from the fire. And you would want to make yourself a billy--3 liter Pineapple juice tin, or similar size tin--often this size can can be seen in bins at back of fast food shops. With coat hanger wire cut and bent to make a handle. for your billy Big Nail hammered or punched through it to make hole for handle near the rim.

When you are back with Karen and the kids you could use these ideas for camping trips--try them in the backyard as a sort of family barbeque--fun and different. Cook potatoes etc. with skins on them in foil in the coals--or even without foil in the coals. Make damper instead of buying bread--recipes should be on the net I think.

Or if you buy bread try French toast-- crack egg into a cup. rip a hole in the middle of the bread. oil the frying pan--extra virgin olive oil healthiest oil, place bread on pan when oil is hot, pour egg into the hole in the bread wait till it cooks--hope you have a egg turner to turn it.

I could go on but you get the idea.


Aslong as there is not a total fire ban you

[banjo]

Banjo, how far away from home are you???? You make it sound like its quite a way!!!!!:confused:

Maitland . .
& it is far a way for me ......


I have a series 3 so it takes me half an hour to get here from home up the freeway....

[JohnF]

Maitland . .
& it is far a way for me ......

I have a series 3 so it takes me half an hour to get here from home up the freeway....

Banjo, if you could try travelling by train--and I know that may be hard for you, but it costs only 2.50 from Maitland to cardiff on a pensioner ticket.

[JohnF]

Last Thursday I talked to a elderly man who chooses to live in his light ACE van. Because he does not like gas, he made himself a little wood stove from a 4 liter paint can with the bottom cut out of it and Triangular holes in the side--maybe 2 inches each side of the triangle, one down the bottom and two triangular holes 2/3 of the way up. Inside this is a Milo tin with holes in it but I did not look at these holes. And he puts sticks into it to heat his Cast Iron frying pan [and presumably a billy-can but did not ask him whether he had a billy can].

I have also seen other portable open fires made from a couple of truck rims. If my memory is correct--One on the ground to hold the wood facing the bowl of the rim up, and one upside down on top of it to hold heat in, and wood was fed in to the fire through the axle hole. A billy or frying pan could be placed over the axle hole to heat food. These rims had holes in them which let air get to the fire. Would not be usable during total fire ban, but could do a lot of cooking at other times-- and seemed to me to be a good Idea.

You would need to get a frying-pan--often very cheap from an op-shop, or you can find them by kerb-side shopping during Council Clean-up days. Or even use an old hub cap without its chrome as a frying pan-- it has been done. Use pliers as the handle to remove the hot hub-cap and food from the fire. And you would want to make yourself a billy--3 liter Pineapple juice tin, or similar size tin--often this size can can be seen in bins at back of fast food shops. With coat hanger wire cut and bent to make a handle. for your billy Big Nail hammered or punched through it to make hole for handle near the rim.

When you are back with Karen and the kids you could use these ideas for camping trips--try them in the backyard as a sort of family barbecue--fun and different. Cook potatoes etc. with skins on them in foil in the coals--or even without foil in the coals. Make damper instead of buying bread--recipes should be on the net I think.

Or if you buy bread try French toast-- crack egg into a cup. rip a hole in the middle of the bread. oil the frying pan--extra virgin olive oil healthiest oil, place bread on pan when oil is hot, pour egg into the hole in the bread wait till it cooks--hope you have a egg turner to turn it.
I could go on but you get the idea.
As long as there is not a total fire ban you

I mentioned Truck Rim fireplaces above, but over lunch I remembered something else. At TAFE I once made a Blacksmith Forge from an old Truck Rim as a workshop project--never used it though. And it was set up to also be used as a barbecue. But it should work--never organised a fan for it--I was told to use an old vacuum cleaner to provide the air for a fan, but have never needed to use the forge.

I had done a couple of short Blacksmith courses and a Decorative Metal Work course at TAFE [so did some girls who were in my class] but TAFE stopped running these courses. Made myself a Cold Chisel, and later made an Anvil from a Section of Old Railway Track and an Angle Grinder. Others have made lots of other Blacksmith Tools, etc.

A good project to keep you busy once you move back home. You should be able to find blacksmith instructions on the net.

Coke is the best fuel for a forge--I think yo live in the area where you should be able to get coking coal, or get coke easy.

Except for buying coke, and getting hardwood off-cuts from a local builder to get the fire going before putting coke on it, if you have a hand cranked fan it costs you nothing to do blacksmithing. And A bag of Coke goes a long way when used for blacksmithing. Old car/truck springs are very high quality steel for quite a number of Blacksmithing projects.

And you can pick up much good steel from recyclers, etc. But some steel is not that good--broken cheap Chinese goods, made from cheap lowgrade steel, etc.

There are not lots of people doing Blacksmith, but there are some--a fair few of them. Google this banjo, and enjoy yourself, John.

[Landy Smurf]

if u r still at ur parents during the holidays you are welcome to cum here for a couple of days and help out with the orchard or just feel like just getting away from city life and want to breathe clean natural air

[Ausfree]

Maitland . .
& it is far a way for me ......


I have a series 3 so it takes me half an hour to get here from home up the freeway....
Wow, I'm impressed, you have to drive past my place to get there!!!!:eek: Chalk that up as an achievement Banjo!!!!:D

[Ausfree]

if u r still at ur parents during the holidays you are welcome to cum here for a couple of days and help out with the orchard or just feel like just getting away from city life and want to breathe clean natural air
Hey Banj, Now THAT is a generous offer from Tony, it would give you a chance to get away and have a good think, and I'm sure Tony would be excellent company for you.!!!:) I mean you can talk Landies and everything, just imagine it, Landie heaven.:D

[Landy Smurf]

lol landy heaven, but seriously you have seen what it is like here a great get away

[banjo]

Hey Banjo,

Missed a bit as I took my Scout Troop hiking on the weekend.

It sounds like you lot need all need to see each other again. ;)
Maybe if you all went out somewhere for Cody's birthday, it wouldn't be so hard as you'd all be going, just separate ways?

Why don't you sort out something, so perhaps once a week you do the mowing & other odd jobs and stuff that Karen wants done? I reckon that would give you a bit of regularity (something to aim for each week ;)), plus it would be helpful to her. Maybe too, it would help with getting used to you being away (but not completely isolated). And I'm sure you'd be too busy then to be getting in the way. :cool:

Yesterday marked 15 years since my father passed away (I was 6 at the time), and I have to say that is not something I'd wish upon anyone. I guess I have the reality that there's no chance of seeing him again. :(

:)


If only it was that easy if i could do that i would be able to visit more people from here...


Not even alowed to talk to the kids now because apperntly i'm spying on Karen cause i ask the kids hows ya mum what have use been upto.....


SO I GUESS I'VE LOST EVERYTHING THAT MEANS ANYTHING TO ME ..

I wont see Cody for his bday this year or probably ever...
If i was able to turn up there i wouldn't want to leave & if they came here i wouldn't want them to go home......
So yeah i guess i've lost everything Karen doesn't even know if she loves me ..

[Ausfree]

Banjo, if you could try travelling by train--and I know that may be hard for you, but it costs only 2.50 from Maitland to cardiff on a pensioner ticket.
John, that is a good idea for somebody not prone to panic attacks, but remember Banjo suffers from Agrophobia and I think that would be a MAJOR challenge, that at this stage he could not do. But I tell you what, if we can talk Banjo into seeking assistance, that could be held up as a challenge for the far future!!!:D

[Ausfree]

If only it was that easy if i could do that i would be able to visit more people from here...


Not even alowed to talk to the kids now because apperntly i'm spying on Karen cause i ask the kids hows ya mum what have use been upto.....


SO I GUESS I'VE LOST EVERYTHING THAT MEANS ANYTHING TO ME ..

I wont see Cody for his bday this year or probably ever...
If i was able to turn up there i wouldn't want to leave & if they came here i wouldn't want them to go home......
So yeah i guess i've lost everything Karen doesn't even know if she loves me ..
Why????????????????????????????????????????????? For God sakes Banjo, you are his father, you are entitled to see him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:eek:

[seano87]

So yeah i guess i've lost everything Karen doesn't even know if she loves me ..

Guess what Jase, if you really believe you've lost everything, it means 2 things....

1) You've got nothing more to lose

2) You've got everything to gain! If something is lost, can't hurt to go looking again. But like all hunting expeditions, there is the right way, and the wrong way to go about it, hunt the wrong way and you'll scare the grand prize away, hunt the right way and things can be fantastic. Unfortunately, I think this one is going to be a bloody hard hunt, but, nothing to lose, so what the hell aye mate, give it a crack!

I've had a rough week or so, my grandma died this morning. It's been coming for a while, and in hindsight, I could have done a few things differently, spent more quality time with her, blah blah blah, being a misery guts won't help me or anyone though, I'm just gonna keep pushing on one step at a time. I was shocking this morning trying to inject patients at work, I got the first lady alright despite her having pretty diffficult veins, the next two were just disasterous - to the point I had 2 shots at the 3rd patient and realised there was nothing I could do about today, I wasn't in the headspace to deal with anything, so I went and asked for help, it made the difference knowing my colleagues were behind me being empathetic.

Anyway, stuff my situation, as I said, if you've got nothing more to lose, you've got everything to gain, so go get em tiger! My honest opinion about the best method of this hunt - help yourself first, YOU have to make YOU priority ONE!

How is my home town of Maito doing by the way? Full of bogans, but hell, I lived there 22 years and miss it like crazy some days. If you ever get down to Maitland Mall (the mall with KMart and all that, there is a book shop in the actually open mall part of it, just up from Westpac and St George Bank, called McDonald's Bookshop, pop in there one day for me and tell the old bloke who owns it that the Captain says hello, and give my greetings to Nancy (older lady in there) and Mel (younger lady). They'll know straight away who I am (The Captain)!

Onya Jason, keep on up the good work! :cool:

Seano

[banjo]

Why????????????????????????????????????????????? For God sakes Banjo, you are his father, you are entitled to see him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:eek:


Not if it meens they have to watch me go through a panic attack to get there & then back again.. Plus i dont want them upset when i have to leave...

I have already stuffed there lives up & completly ****ed up Karen so i dont want to do that anymore so i would rather not see them so i dont or cant stuff them up anymore..

[banjo]

John, that is a good idea for somebody not prone to panic attacks, but remember Banjo suffers from Agrophobia and I think that would be a MAJOR challenge, that at this stage he could not do. But I tell you what, if we can talk Banjo into seeking assistance, that could be held up as a challenge for the far future!!!:D


Thats never going to happen here i have nothing to gain from it .& it would take months & months if not even years to find a doc i trust & i cant do it on my own & theres no one here to help me . .. I would of got help back home for Karen & the kids so as to improove myself for them so i could enjoy doing more with them......

[Ausfree]

Weeelllll, Banjo, I got the answers I expected.:( Good luck!!!!:wallbash:

[banjo]

Weeelllll, Banjo, I got the answers I expected.:( Good luck!!!!:wallbash:

ITSNOT AS SIMPLE FOR ME TO JUST GET A DOC & GET IT ALL DONE IF IT WAS I WOULDNT NEED ONE IN THE FIRST PLACE..

[DiscoMick]

Very sad about your bad news Seano.
Got word this arvo that a friend in Perth was tragically killed today. She was up a tall ladder, fell, broke her neck and died 30 mins later in emergency. Everyone terribly shocked. A wonderful woman who worked hard all her life for her family and friends, kind and generous to a tee.
So, Banjo, you never know when it's gonna go pear-shaped, so don't delay - make the best of every opportunity, no matter how small it may seem.
Oh, and you can get free counselling anytime just by calling Lifeline remember. They're there and trained to listen, and it's anonymous.
There's always someone to talk with.
Also, stop blaming yourself for every problem in Karen's life. Karen made her own decisions, just like you did. And, as a father, you must have done lots of good things, judging by the kid's posts on here, so don't get too down on yourself. As a father you have a right to see your kids regularly.
You are a worthwhile person Jason, so believe more in yourself. Others do...

[Narangga]

Sorry to hear your sad news Seano & Mick. That's always hard to take no matter how it comes.



You are a worthwhile person Jason, so believe more in yourself. Others do...

Well said. You're wanting love from just one person in the world atm and that's understandable but remember that you are loved by all of us who have had the chance to get to know you on this forum.


When the hand swelling goes down can we have another pic please? ;)

[Quarks]

Why????????????????????????????????????????????? For God sakes Banjo, you are his father, you are entitled to see him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:eek:
Almost, but not quite ;)



Yesterday marked 15 years since my father passed away (I was 6 at the time), and I have to say that is not something I'd wish upon anyone. I guess I have the reality that there's no chance of seeing him again. :(


What I'm saying here is that: for the kids, any father, no matter how bad they might think they are, is better than none at all. ;)

You have the luxury of choosing whether or not you can see your old man; I don't; but will the kids get that choice too? :confused:

:)

[banjo]

Sorry to hear your sad news Seano & Mick. That's always hard to take no matter how it comes.



Well said. You're wanting love from just one person in the world atm and that's understandable but remember that you are loved by all of us who have had the chance to get to know you on this forum.


When the hand swelling goes down can we have another pic please? ;)

Because it swelled so much it has pulled some of the pigment so i will have to go over it again once it is fully healed..Now it has a couple of bits that have no colour ... Its all one big scab at the moment..

[banjo]

Gees very quiet round here tonight..:o

[Landy Smurf]

i have been flat out.oh any chance of castle hill we are convoying

[Narangga]

Gees very quiet round here tonight..:o

Flat out at work today and only just managed to log on.

Did you get up to much today mate?

[banjo]

Flat out at work today and only just managed to log on.

Did you get up to much today mate?

Na i just sit in my little room most of the day...

[banjo]

Well it seem all i do is ****up .I haven't left Karen alone while i have been up here i text her & i have rang her which she didn't want any of that.

Use know i have no one else to talk to so i just talk with Karen all the time well thats been wrong of me ...

Karen & the kids have been such a major part in my life that i am having to much trouble here on my own, I dont go over to the house very much as i am very uncomfortable there so rearly go over there..

I walk around the yard & up & down the driveway then come back to my little room & just sit here...

I was talking to Karen this morning & she told me that it is 100% over so i wont be seeing them again ever i dont even have the room for the kids to sleep if they did come up here plus i wouldn't want them to leave ...
All my stuff is at Karens i have brought bugga all with me .. i should of brang my dog so i would have him to talk to..Karen said today that the kids are adjusting to me not being there....

The worst part off all this is i didn't listen to Karen when she told me stuff it took you guys to tell me in retard turms so i would understand..Maybe those of you who have Karens number should ring her then use could post up here in retard turms again so i understand what it is she is saying to me...

Went to the paper shop this morning & bakers delite was going to go into bilo but couldn't so i have meat for tonight then i go back to samwiches...

I understand what i have done to Karen but probably not fully Karen has been speaking to me in away that i have never heard her talk to me ever..

I got into an argument with mother after talking to Karen i told her that Karen told me its over & that i have lost everything & that i wont see the kids again,, & she said thats bull**** its your choice if you see the kids . I said yep but i have a problem which puts my kids in a bad spot & i dont do visits even more so from here, Then she said i have been there i know exactly how it feels & i said dont even ****ing try that & walked off then she slamed the doors & left for her sewing class...

So now im arguing with her but she knows better than me i spose this is the person i asked to get me some fresh meat up the road & then just gave me there old meat from her place & i wont eat it its part of my problem i buy it fresh & freeze it that way i know how old it is or if its bad..


So this is now my life i will be off my medication once that runs out as i cant just run back down to my docs & i wont be seeking any other help because the only people i was doing it for i can now not see . I will be on the net till that runs out then that will be gone aswell.& i will just be sitting in my little room ...

I will sent Karen one last text today & then they will never hear or see from me again that way they will be fine & not have me over there head...

I will get Karen to sell everything of mine that is at her place thatway it should pay out the mobile bills & i can keep mine . . Just have to find away to get my dog. . .

I don't know how long it will last me being here or what will ever haapen to me ...

To everyone i am so sorry that i will be letting use down & i AM VERY VERY SORRY TO KAREN & THE KIDS FOR EVER BEING APART OF THERE LIVES & RUINING THERE COMPLETE LIVES...I have 2 great kids & now they should be able to lead fully noram lives from now on....

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE KAREN IT WILL NEVER CHANGE , MY FEELING FOR HER & THE KIDS WILL ONLY DIE WHEN I DO..

Karen is a most amazing person & i hope use will alway stay in touch with her & the kids i hate being here away from them ..

I cant even manage to get some food for myself & its no use asking my parents..As i dont think they like the idea of being parents to a retard or a child now at there age . as thats pretty much what its like Karen tells me & they just dont care as im 38 i should be able to look after myself....

I have to except this is now my life..

I will say my goodbyes now as i have no idea as to when my internet will stop..I thank use all for the friendships i have finaly expreerianced for the first time it is an amazing feeling to be able to call use MATES...
But i would realy apreciate it if use can stay in touch with Karen text or ring her for those that have her number for those who dont just ask someone who does I doubt Karen would mind.. they need some normal friends in there life & i would be proud if use think of Karen to be a good friend to use...if you message Karen threw here you will probably have to text her to let her know she doesn't get on the puter very much....


THANKS Jason....

[banjo]

You know i realy realy don't know how i'm going to cope without Karen & the kids in my life ...I never ever wanted to hurt Karen or take anything away from her ever.. Karen is such an amazing person & has been so kind to me ..

I was trying to change at home not stoping Karen from doing anything or making her feel like she had to be at home with me . .

And i was trying to help Karen get better i didn't meen to be in her face she is a very inportant person to me & all i was trying to help her get better..

I wasn't trying to emotionaly blackmail her or make her feel bad...


I miss them very much i seriously doubt i will servive without them & being here is the worst place to be ...

[banjo]

I dont want to live without Karen & the kids..Idont know what to do here i just want to be home where i feel safe & can be around the kids..I miss them all so much....

[banjo]

I just want to go home & be with my family ......

[banjo]

Guys why am i such a ****ed up retard looser for ,All you guys where helping me & look i still managed to **** everything up..Karen & the kids are all i have in this ****ty world they make my life meen something & worth while they are all i have...

Such a looser ..Karen has done so much for me & our little family & been able to hold us all together.. All i wanted to do was help Karen get better not hurt her more, Thats why i pushed her to join the gym & go regulary & i was just asking her how did she go cause i like to hear her happy...

My life just **** itself & it meens nothing or worth anything with out them all in it..
I would kill to be at home with them all...

I dont know what to do except break down & then i just walk up & down the driveway . . . . .


I wanted to get help for myself for all of them now its just not worth it, I cant do it on my own & was going to get Karen to help me get started once she was better.....

[banjo]

I can't remember any bad things ..I remember all the good things we did together we used to go out together to do shopping & just walk around down the road...

We used to go up the bush nearly everyday for awhile then it was every weekend & we would spend all day there & we would watch the kids running around & trying to climb the old quarry walls..

The kids used to have friends sleep over & they birthday parties..

We used to have a couple of friends & karen went out with them & then one of the ladies threw a spanner in the works & we lost both as friends & one that was real close to Karen & i trusted fully . We use to see them regulary & we would even visit them..

We use to goto all Cody's soccer training & i went to all his home games & his garla days & his presentation days..

We used to muck around with the kids at home & we would play music & watch the kids singing & dancing around to it..



Karen used to tell me all my stuff was in the past & i would try & push it away sometimes it worked ..Now i need Karen to realise its in the past & i can only change the future BUT I'M NOT GAME TO SAY THAT TO HER cause i don't want to upset her or start an argument...

[MEANZ06]

I wanted to get help for myself for all of them now its just not worth it


banjo, i dont want to sound calous but, Mate, youve had a lot of time to do this and havent.

you need to be better for yourself first before you can be better for anyone else...

Vic

[banjo]

banjo, i dont want to sound calous but, Mate, youve had a lot of time to do this and havent.

you need to be better for yourself first before you can be better for anyone else...

Vic

Yeah but i cant do it from here or on my own . . . .

[Landy Smurf]

that offer of mine still stands,if it is no good there and u cant go home there is always a spot at my place

[MEANZ06]

Yeah but i cant do it from here or on my own . . . .

please forgive me, ive only been advidly been reading the last month or so, but why couldnt you get help before this point?

dont get me wrong, i want the best for you, karen, and especially the kids!! but, i think you need outside help and to quit making excuses for doing so.

after this much time here on this forum you need to understand that this isnt the answer to your problems....

Jason, please take my words as constructive...

Vic

[MEANZ06]

that offer of mine still stands,if it is no good there and u cant go home there is always a spot at my place

you are a good Mate! :)

see im getting my AUS speak going on

[banjo]

well i stuffed up again i came home cause i couldn't handle being away from the kids & Karen was screeming at me ..& yes i do deserve it i couldn't even leave her alone while i was away...
So she is now just my carer no more i will still be on the floor....









PS MEANZ (Vic)
your alright mate i did understand what you where saying i just can't up & get to the docs..
Will be trying now I will get Karen to make an oppointment for me tomorrow while she is down there ..

[banjo]

I'm not to talk to Karen at all i'm only here cause i want to be with the kids ..So who's up for some texts so i don't start to talk to Karen ...I dont want to hurt Karen anymore.....
so i need someone to chat with throught the day actualy all the time......just text me for a chat guys if you dont have my number ask one of the guys here they know who can have it probably more than i do...

[banjo]

I'm not to talk to Karen at all i'm only here cause i want to be with the kids ..So who's up for some texts so i don't start to talk to Karen ...I dont want to hurt Karen anymore.....
so i need someone to chat with throught the day actualy all the time......just text me for a chat guys if you dont have my number ask one of the guys here they know who can have it probably more than i do...



SHEESH dont all jump in at once hey...

Hey Jim dont wanna talk to you on the phone either ;),Na it good how was Karen . . . .

[banjo]

Ok who else here think i'm a ****wit looser & can't do a thing right at all . . .

[banjo]

I'm guessing quiet a few as i haven't heard from many of use of late . . could be just me though ..

[DiscoMick]

Jason,
Don't be so hard on yourself, you are not a bad person and i don't believe you are responsible for all Karen's problems. Don't tell Karen to sell your stuff, it belongs to you. You have a right to keep in contact with your kids, so don't let Karen deny you that contact. Stay in touch with your kids.
Don't let your past problems be an excuse for making your future miserable. And don't think the way to make friends is to criticise yourself - it isn't.
You do have choices, with or without Karen. You can have a perfectly happy life without her. You may not believe that, but it's true. It up to you.
Stop making yourself a doormat and start to stand up for yourself.

[Narangga]

Ok who else here think i'm a ****wit looser & can't do a thing right at all . . .

NOT ME :mad:

Sorry I have'nt been in touch the last two days but things went frantic at work the moment I walked in the door Wed morning :eek2:

Mate if being with the kids makes you happy then you'll just have to put up and shut up - literally! But it's all for a good cause. ;)

[Landy Smurf]

i dont have your number i would like having it,i have been talking to my girlfriend for the last 3 hrs so abit busy

[banjo]

Jason,
Don't be so hard on yourself, you are not a bad person and i don't believe you are responsible for all Karen's problems. Don't tell Karen to sell your stuff, it belongs to you. You have a right to keep in contact with your kids, so don't let Karen deny you that contact. Stay in touch with your kids.
Don't let your past problems be an excuse for making your future miserable. And don't think the way to make friends is to criticise yourself - it isn't.
You do have choices, with or without Karen. You can have a perfectly happy life without her. You may not believe that, but it's true. It up to you.
Stop making yourself a doormat and start to stand up for yourself.


Hey Mick yeah i'm back home cause i couldn't handle being away from the kids & Karen...

Yes i'm responsable for all Karens problems even Karen tells me that..

I just live here now so i can be around the kids ..

I will allways live in hope that Karen & i will work it out..I DIDN'T MEEN TO DO ANY OF THE STUFF I DID TO KAREN NOR DID I DELIBERATLY DO ANY OF IT..

Couldn't even help with tea tonight so i spose i wont be doing anything here just be around the kids ..

Karen was on the phone to my mum as i left her place & Karen didn't want me home at all & was worried i would wreck Cody's birthday as they are going out to lonestar..

I will be staying home because i don't want to give them any trouble if i was to get nervous & that would stuff it up so i'll just wait till they come home & ask him if he had a good time & enjoyed himself..
Actualy i would be quiet nervouse to go with them ..

i do choose to be here & i realy do want & love Karen so i will always live in hope..

My stuff wont be sold while i'm here but if i do have to go again well there best off to sell them as i have nowhere for them or anyway of moving them & i would loose them to my stepfather anyway..

I'm trying to move forward from my past & i hope Karen is in my future & i hope she can leave the past in the past..

ME not a bad person I haven't heard that before..
Yeah i am a bad person even if it was only to Karen she is the only person i have ever stood upto ..

If one of use where to ring me & abuse me i would just cower in a corner & do what ever use told me to do..

I'm actualy glad i'm not at mums at the moment cause its all the younger kids birthdays theres about 4 or 5 in just as many days.. & if i was still there i would see my oldman because he visits all my sisters & would jump at the chance to get his hooks into me over the weekend while he was up there..

[DiscoMick]

Just because Karen tells you you're responsible for all her problems doesn't necessarily mean its true. Who can say? We all make decisions that affect us.

The best thing you can do is to stop being a doormat and bagging yourself to try to make them like you. The more you criticise yourself, the less likely they are to think positively about you. Stand up and be loving but don't be annoying.

Somewhere inside you is the real you, who is not a bad person, but is actually a good person. Let him out...

[banjo]

You know i never new i was doing anything to Karen over the years..& its only been since all you guys showed me where i was going wrong ..

I had only ever seen my parents & everyone bow down to my father so i guess thats what i was doing to Karen unbeknowing...

But i am doing everything Karen asked me to do except leaving her alone , that is extreemly hard for me to do , But like i tryed to tell Karen she is all i have ever known & had to talk to for everything i didn't know any differant ..
& i am am extreemly sorry for that..All i ever wanted from Karen was to get a little love (efection) it was good when we first started together & then dwindled & then just stoped...

[banjo]

Hey Tony i'm PMing you my number..

[Narangga]

Just because Karen tells you you're responsible for all her problems doesn't necessarily mean its true. Who can say? We all make decisions that affect us.

The best thing you can do is to stop being a doormat and bagging yourself to try to make them like you. The more you criticise yourself, the less likely they are to think positively about you. Stand up and be loving but don't be annoying.

Somewhere inside you is the real you, who is not a bad person, but is actually a good person. Let him out...

Well said.

Will be busy again tomorrow Banjo but will do my best to drop you a line or two. :)

[banjo]

Well said.

Will be busy again tomorrow Banjo but will do my best to drop you a line or two. :)

Na don't go out of your way.. I don't text any of use first because use all work & i don't want to cause any trouble for use..

[banjo]

I just wish i wasn't such a retard where Karen is concerned because she does meen quiet alot to me after all she has done for me...

& i have done nothing right for her even when she asked or told me..

[Narangga]

Nah not an issue - just might take a while to respond if you do txt first. :cool:

[DiscoMick]

You're not a retard Jason. Stop being so negative.

[banjo]

You know i always thought there was a chance for Karen & i untill today thats when Karen told me it was completly over & you why ITS BECAUSE I COULDN'T EVEN LEAVE HER ALONE ...For some peace & quiet . . .

Just going into have a quick shower ..

[Narangga]

You know i always thought there was a chance for Karen & i untill today thats when Karen told me it was completly over & you why ITS BECAUSE I COULDN'T EVEN LEAVE HER ALONE ...For some peace & quiet . . .

Just going into have a quick shower ..

Love is an intelligent willingness to what is right for the other person.

So if you love Karen then you'll need to keep the trap shut for a while no matter how hard that is. ;)





Anyway - you have the dog to talk to now your back there. :p

[banjo]

You're not a retard Jason. Stop being so negative.

Now if i tell myself that i would only be fooling myself on that one..

[DiscoMick]

No you wouldn't, you'd be stating the facts.

[banjo]

Was in the shower lastnight I washed my leg & put my foot down & got this god awfull pain under my little toe on my right foot so i pushed it but couldn't find anything then about an hour later this came up..

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2010/09/510.jpg

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2010/09/511.jpg

I think i mite of dislokated my toe & then it went back in..



Here is a pic of my tattoo its a bit blury but you will get the gist its all one big scab ..

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2010/09/512.jpg

don't know but you mite be able to still see the bruising all down my knuckles..

[Narangga]

No you wouldn't, you'd be stating the facts.

Facts, faith & feelings - no haven't I heard that somewhere before? :angel:

[DiscoMick]

Ouch! Does it still look that red? You need to wrap an ice brick in a towel and apply it to the red area for at least half an hour to try to cool it down. If it stays red you may need antibiotics from the doc.

[banjo]

Ouch! Does it still look that red? You need to wrap an ice brick in a towel and apply it to the red area for at least half an hour to try to cool it down. If it stays red you may need antibiotics from the doc.

Me foot na it will be fine its not hurting..

The tattoo is fine thats normal . . .

[Narangga]

Me foot na it will be fine its not hurting..

The tattoo is fine thats normal . . .

Don't you mean....


tats normal??? ;)

[banjo]

First night back i slept a little better..
I think my mother has been playing Karen & I against each other ...
I put the washing on this morning so i not no how thats going to go as i'm not surposed to do anything ,Karen is still in bed & there is no way i'm going to wake her up :o . . . .

[bblaze]

Hang in there Jason, going to be tough on you not communicating with Karen but you will have he kids to talk to, so that will be good. Get yourself to a Doc now you are home again, no excuses. Raining in tassie today, light wind and should be starting to put the iron on my shed today. Jason, a favour if you could, Could you find my shed post for me so its there for me to add some pics too tonight.
cheers
blaze

[banjo]

Well i just brought a new iphone 4 . Now i'm going to have to get a new sim & have my details put on it..

But hey the phone only cost me $30 so i cant complain i spose....

[MEANZ06]

Well i just brought a new iphone 4 . Now i'm going to have to get a new sim & have my details put on it..

But hey the phone only cost me $30 so i cant complain i spose....

it didnt come complete with a sim card? :(

BTW i love my iphone4.. :)

[djhampson]

Well i just brought a new iphone 4 . Now i'm going to have to get a new sim & have my details put on it..

But hey the phone only cost me $30 so i cant complain i spose....

Jealous! How did it only cost you $30? :p

[JohnF]

Jason--no one to chat to, you are welcome to send me an e-mail anytime. I will reply, but do not check my e-mail all the time, John.

[bblaze]

Hi Jason
Thanks for finding my shed post for me, 5 from the top when I come inside for the day. Now I have to catch up on this thread to see whats been going on apart from an i phone what ever that is. I left my mobile in the office today so it can ring its face off and I dont feel bad about not answering it.
cheers
blaze

[Narangga]

Good to hear about the iPhone Banj. Can't you swap over your existing sim?

Finally got home from work and boy am I st****ed. Didn't stop all day. The little hiccup at the start of the day I told you about really mucked everything up for the day. :mad:

[banjo]

Good to hear about the iPhone Banj. Can't you swap over your existing sim?

Finally got home from work and boy am I st****ed. Didn't stop all day. The little hiccup at the start of the day I told you about really mucked everything up for the day. :mad:

Yeah i have put my sim in it & tryed to jailbreak it but theres something locked somewhere ..Once i find it or how to fix that it will be ok..

[Narangga]

Yeah i have put my sim in it & tryed to jailbreak it but theres something locked somewhere ..Once i find it or how to fix that it will be ok..

Phone must be locked to a different network. :(

[banjo]

Well Karen went back to the doc today got a referal to see a skink cant spell the right name ..Also has to go back in a few weeks for another blood test & if the same they will treat for menopause...



BUT Karen & i are separating we are just sorting out all the stuff over the next couple of days.
My mother & stepfather are coming to see Cody for his bday so they are going to take some of my tools with them & then i will get the rest some how...
So i wont be visiting Aus anymore or atleast for quiet some time as i'll now be half an hour away..
I cant even visit the kids cause of my problem Cody was worried about me coming back & being here for his bday as they are going out which they do every bday for everyone here . He said we better stay at home cause dad will be on his own...
I dont want to visit them & be nervouse on the drive here THEN get nervouse to drive back which they know even when i try & hide it so emagine how they will feel to know that every time i tryed to visit..

I was doing everything i could & what Karen asked me to do to save the relationship but its to late she said about 20years to late..So i will be moving to mums early next week for good...
Karen has told me for years the past is in the past & now that i have some surport outside Karen & actualy giving it a good go she said no its to late ..I told her what happend in the past is the past let work to the future but again she said no I DONT LOVE YOU SO IT WONT WORK IF ONLY 1 OF US WANTS IT...


So i wont be visiting anyone for some time Karen has organised for my mother to be able to pickup my scripts & medication...

I want to stay & work towards a better future & the kids want me to stay ITS just Karen wants me gone...

[banjo]

Phone must be locked to a different network. :(

I think so :mad: . i will work it out well i hope i do...

[banjo]

Jealous! How did it only cost you $30? :p

UM i think it used to belong to someone else not the person i brought it off . . . . ;):p

[Narangga]

I think so :mad: . i will work it out well i hope i do...

Yeah - otherwise you won't be able to text me :p

[banjo]

My biggest fear isn't seeing the kids as someone will always pick them up to bring them to see or stay with me.& as they now catch the train they can get it right to thornton as well...






My biggest fear is that with my problem & not getting out much i am never going to be with another woman emotionaly or physicly..

[Narangga]

Well Karen went back to the doc today got a referal to see a skink cant spell the right name ..Also has to go back in a few weeks for another blood test & if the same they will treat for menopause...



BUT Karen & i are separating we are just sorting out all the stuff over the next couple of days.
My mother & stepfather are coming to see Cody for his bday so they are going to take some of my tools with them & then i will get the rest some how...
So i wont be visiting Aus anymore or atleast for quiet some time as i'll now be half an hour away..
I cant even visit the kids cause of my problem Cody was worried about me coming back & being here for his bday as they are going out which they do every bday for everyone here . He said we better stay at home cause dad will be on his own...
I dont want to visit them & be nervouse on the drive here THEN get nervouse to drive back which they know even when i try & hide it so emagine how they will feel to know that every time i tryed to visit..

I was doing everything i could & what Karen asked me to do to save the relationship but its to late she said about 20years to late..So i will be moving to mums early next week for good...
Karen has told me for years the past is in the past & now that i have some surport outside Karen & actualy giving it a good go she said no its to late ..I told her what happend in the past is the past let work to the future but again she said no I DONT LOVE YOU SO IT WONT WORK IF ONLY 1 OF US WANTS IT...


So i wont be visiting anyone for some time Karen has organised for my mother to be able to pickup my scripts & medication...

I want to stay & work towards a better future & the kids want me to stay ITS just Karen wants me gone...

Mate it may be just the thing you need for a little while to gain a little bit of independence.

And who knows it might be that a bit of time away from you is what Karen needs to be able to welcome you back. After all absence makes the heart grow fonder. ;)

[banjo]

Yeah - otherwise you won't be able to text me :p

Na NA i got my sim punched to suit the new sim holder of the iphone 4 but they gave Karen all the serrounds so i just put the bit they punched out back in the middle & put it back into the old iphone the $50 one...

[banjo]

Mate it may be just the thing you need for a little while to gain a little bit of independence.

And who knows it might be that a bit of time away from you is what Karen needs to be able to welcome you back. After all absence makes the heart grow fonder. ;)


Na i said that to her & she said noway in hell.. Well it was something like that if i put it in her words the swear filter would take it all out...

[banjo]

The only bill of concern was the mobile contracts , I was going to file bankrupt over it which would of sucked as Karen & i have just come out of the 7 years of it ...BUT we have agreed to pay it together as they are caped plans its only $200 a month for the 3 of them so we will pay half each till karens & the old one of freds run out then just cancel those 2 & i dont have to be bankrupt again & we both keep our phones till freds & karens run out the contracts then they will be canceled..& i will just have mine.....

[Narangga]

.. i said that to her ...

Red rag to a bull mate. Probably would have been better to keep your mouth shut.

Thought of a project?

[incisor]

UM i think it used to belong to someone else not the person i brought it off . . . . ;):p

great admission on a public forum...

about time this thread was moved to the soapbox away from the search engines for your own sake more than anything judging by that sort of comment...

[banjo]

Red rag to a bull mate. Probably would have been better to keep your mouth shut.

Thought of a project?

Yeah i will probably just get another landy a SWB would be just the go as Fred gets her Ls next year & that would be a great car for her no seats in the back that way she wont end up with a car full to be egged on to do something stupid....

[banjo]

I lost the thread for a minute there..:o

[Narangga]

I lost the thread for a minute there..:o

Only the thread???

Not your marbles? :D :wasntme:

[djhampson]

UM i think it used to belong to someone else not the person i brought it off . . . . ;):p

I figured as much :(

How about you take a minute to think about the poor bugger who had his phone stolen? They're probably still paying their phone company more than $30 each month for the mobile phone that you now have. It's not real fair is it?

People who accept stolen goods are just as bad as the theives.

Remember if your phone is lost or stolen to ring your mobile provider and give them the IMEI number so the phone can be permantly blocked from being used in Australia.

[Ace]

I figured as much :(

How about you take a minute to think about the poor bugger who had his phone stolen? They're probably still paying their phone company more than $30 each month for the mobile phone that you now have. It's not real fair is it?

People who accept stolen goods are just as bad as the theives.

Remember if your phone is lost or stolen to ring your mobile provider and give them the IMEI number so the phone can be permantly blocked from being used in Australia.

and can be charged criminally just the same.

[Sleepy]

G'day banjo, I guess you are probably wondering what to do. Yup you probably put your foot in it. Not to worry , this is something that we CAN help you fix. that'll only cost you $30....don't worry we all make mistakes ...just turn it in to Mr Plod. If it is not claimed they'll give it back to you in a few months

..keep posting mate you got more to worry bout than a stupid phone.

[banjo]

YEP not interested in the phone at the moment got bigger dramas..
I'm leaving today & i wont be back again..Young cody is coming with me for a few days..I'm nervous & a bit panicy but we will see how i go..

Who knows in a couple of months apart we mite be able to get back together even stronger..

Cody is coming with me as he resents his mum at the moment as its only Karen who wants the split , but i told Karen it will pass & being with me will make him miss u so he will be back in a few days ..

We are both adults & are not going to play the kids of on each other or turn the kids against each other eigther...

I will live in hope that being apart will bring us closer after Karen gets the space & freedom & peace & quiet from me that we can work it through a little down the track...


THANKS Jason...



PS my internet not very strong at mums but will try & keep online as much as posable..AND try not to go insane......

[bblaze]

Best of luck,
cheers
blaze

[Landy Smurf]

jason i was thinking today how you said you cant cure it but you look back to when you first started this thread you have done things you said you couldnt do.there is many here who know someone who has or had depression and i am sure there is a few who are going through depression at the moment every case is different and every cure is different.stop making excuses and act upon it this will do your world a good

[Sleepy]

YEP not interested in the phone at the moment got bigger dramas..
I'm leaving today & i wont be back again..Young cody is coming with me for a few days..I'm nervous & a bit panicy but we will see how i go..

Who knows in a couple of months apart we mite be able to get back together even stronger..

Cody is coming with me as he resents his mum at the moment as its only Karen who wants the split , but i told Karen it will pass & being with me will make him miss u so he will be back in a few days ..

We are both adults & are not going to play the kids of on each other or turn the kids against each other eigther...

I will live in hope that being apart will bring us closer after Karen gets the space & freedom & peace & quiet from me that we can work it through a little down the track...


THANKS Jason...



PS my internet not very strong at mums but will try & keep online as much as posable..AND try not to go insane......

Jase, I am proud of you. As crap as you feel about things , you have made some very brave, strong and wise comments.
Good luck , stay strong and pm, SMS or whatever anytime you want.
You are a good guy - say that to yourself - right NOW

[Narangga]

PS my internet not very strong at mums but will try & keep online as much as posable..AND try not to go insane......

Let us know what project you get your hands onto Jason.

[Landy Smurf]

hey jason what is the latest,how is your depression and are you having any more suicidal thoughts

[DiscoMick]

Thinking of you mate, stay positive.

[Quarks]

Jason,

Good to hear the kids are welcome & can still see you when they want. :cool:

Hope it goes well. :)

:)

[banjo]

hey jason what is the latest,how is your depression and are you having any more suicidal thoughts


Yep still there i just keep pushing them to way back in my head..

[banjo]

Poor Cody came up here with me yesterday .He was ok for a little while Then the poor bugga got nervous away from mum so we ended up ringing Karen & she came & got him..Then he felt so bad & was very upset..
If i do see them it will only be for a day . But they are having so much trouble with the split its not funny..Cody & i haven't been close he has always been mums boy so its hard for him to be away from mum...
Micayla has her own life now & is always out with friends to the beach or just hanging around down Cardiff probably smoking....
Plus they know home is a safe place for them so i doubt i will see them much at all plus mum is there who has alway been there for them all the time to help comfort them & to sit with them while they were sick...

If it gets to hard for the kids i am going to surrender them as i dont want Fred to go back to panic attacks & be at home & cody will end up that way aswell as he is just natualy a nervous kid...

I will always LOVE Karen i will never get over her nor will i ever find another woman as i dont go out to do those things like pubs & clubs..

I will just stay here & pine for her as such.....

I been out today got myself a chopping board & a half loaf of bread & a tea cake..

But now back here just finished spreading a load of top soil around for them & came in to look up the RTA to do the address change..
But checked my mail first & had replys here so i will do that now ..

Been pretty panicy here all day so far....

[Landy Smurf]

your not the only one who has been having a hard time lately,i must admit your conditions are alot worse though

[DiscoMick]

Don't assume the worst or be in too big a hurry to cut off contact with your kids. Just be cool and hasten slowly...

[banjo]

yeah we will see ..

[banjo]

i recon this thread is going to die in here i dont usualy come in the soap box much mainly go into the general part or series bit..Plus my net is so slow it times out alot & boots me...Got our payments sorted out today & we now have our own bank accounts & pays Karen went off the carers pension & is now on new start allowance.. I dont have a carer now...& we have changed just about all of my stuff to the new address ....& number i now only have a mobile..So i seriousely doubt we are going to get back together..

I'm trying not to think of it but its hard after 23 years & being around the kids everyday since birth...I MISS THEM ALL...

I dont think the kids are to comfortable coming here as my parents haven't had anything to do with them si its hard for them as they are here..

& now my mother told Karen today that she picked a bad time to do this as she is going into hospital to get her knees reconstrucked & my step father is going into have his shoulder reconstrucked so there just worried about that..in other words Karen should of waited till they had those done as they dont need another kid or retard to look after...

[bblaze]

Hi Jason
I get a bit ****ed off every time you call yourself a retard, you are far from that and have proven that many times, Things like your ability to do a makeover on the series, I and many others would be proud to drive that. You have been an excelent parent to your kids giving sound advice to them and the list goes on. ATM you are in a trouble time, but whatever the outcome may be you still have 2 kids that look up to you and a full and meaniful live ahaed of you. The only person stopping that is you, time to man up, seek some help other than the forums. We all have moments in our life when we are dealt a cruel blow, yours ATM will be worse than some but better than a lot of others.
Stay safe, stay in touch and seek some help because until you love yourself others will not
cheers
blaze

[banjo]

yeah but only a dickhead would treat the woman he loves as bad as i have so yeah i'm a spastic for that..

& look at everything i have lost for it..

[Didge]

Jason,
1.Forget the suicidal thoughts - please get professional help. My brother suicided at 22 years of age and believe me it not only screws up the immediate family but lots of friends who you may think never cared; in fact lots of your friends care and need you a lot more than you know. And you will get over the depressed thoughts. Depression is in my mother's side of the family and her cousin tried suicide in her 30's but was no good at it (luckily) and she went on to live a happy life into her 90's (she's still going). There's so much to enjoy once you get over the blues. Don't try to go it alone; there's not point when good help is a phone call away (and it's free).
2. The tin lids (kids) are a lot more flexible and adaptable than the adults. They will move on and accept the changes in their life more easily than you, Karen and your parents. You love them, they love you and believe me they NEED you, so please don't give up on them. I've seen it time and time again. As long as you're there to support them when they need it, it doesn't really matter in the long run; they'll respect you for sticking with them. It's hardest on you when you're not with them but you owe it to them to stay strong. Remember, Karen is putting up with the daily grind of getting them off to school, their problems, homework, arguments, discipline, etc so you need to support her (and I mean back up her decisions on discipline, etc and she'll respect you for that too). This all leaves you in the position of being the party boy, you know when the kids get jacked off with mum cos she's too hard on them they come to you for comfort.

3. Interestingly, you commented you went out and got topsoil (was it?). God, go back to page 1, you wouldn't even go out. Look how far you've come. Mate, in your life this is a mere hiccup (ok, maybe the flu) but it's not a fatal disease. Millions of people go through separations and many are nasty so you both need to make an effort to be reasonable towards each other and then maybe the spark of passion will reignite and it'll set a good example for the kids.
Don't know what else to say for the moment
Good luck
cheers Gerald

[Landy Smurf]

i dont mean to hijak this thread but i thought i would share my story with you all.

from around 2008 i have had depression did not realise it for quite a while probably not until i started getting suicidal which was from about september last year until about april this year i was thinking about it everynight at least thinking of all the different ways to kill myself and what would be the best way
i did not talk about it until i got close to a christian friend(i am not christian really though) and we talked about alot and so i told her about what was going on and it did help to know that some one else knew and that i told her my story i dont think i ever told anyone everything though.
i then slowly started telling other people including my old maths teacher every person i told were completely shocked as it does not show in my personality at all,i was really nervous about people knowing i did not want to be talked about or referenced to being an emo because i am not.
my greatest fear was my family finding out and it still is i dont want them to know so for those who know my family i would appreciate it if you did not tell them about it at all most people i talked to told me to talk to my family about it but honestly that would make it worse i dont feel comfortable talking to them about it or other things.
i am fairly certain that all people i told said i should get professional help,but i did not want that i suppose because i did not want to think of myself as needing that but i did find talking to people about it did help.
i have 2 friends that have depression but there case is fully medical based so as long as they take tablets they are find but i could still relate to them and them to i.
i think everyone gets depressed from time to time but having depression is completely different and with out sounding rude you have no idea what it is like unless you have had it.
for me having depression before i was suicidal did not seem that bad i did not reallly realise it, but i cant reallly remember what happened, but all of a sudden things went down hill fast hence the reason i became suicidal.
i dont think i will ever do it but when you are in one of those moods positive is no where to be found.you only see the worst.
even though i know my situation is not anywhere near as bad as others i still cant help it well that is what i use to think.when i started hanging around with my soon to be girlfriend but was not aware of it at the time things turned from **** to great actually the best they have ever been but we were only going out for 5 weeks until she had to leave fingers crossed we will be together in 4 and a half weeks though.
i thought after being with her that i had beaten depression but i was to find out later that i had not,yes it is not as bad but it is still there but i am trying to change but change does not happen over night.
i have changed alot in the last year alot thanks to aulro i am beginning to really think what i want out of life and how to go about it so i can get that.i guess i am lucky i have such an out going personality and i am not afraid to talk about anything well maybe to certain people.family does seem to be where alot of the problems start i dont get treated all that well in my family,my parents are split my stepdad drinks way to much and it makes him angry towards my mum so i have stood up to him before in the past and my brothers got up me everytime by the way they are 3 and 5 years older then me.
to be honest as much trouble as land rovers have got me in,in the past i think they have helped me alot they give me something to do and being on here helping people and sharing threads has been great,it certainly has been my getaway in the past.i have changed though now if i have a problem i normally go on a long walk normally for 2-3 hrs through creeks paddocks hills and take photos.
well that is all for now

[Narangga]

Thanks for that Tony - it does help to share.

[Narangga]

Sorry I didn't drop you a line yesterday Jason. Had to go up to the mid-north to clean out the old house on Mum & Dad's farm.

Back there today to take the last of the furniture out of the new place to the Salvo's or somewhere.

Then I might get a chance to have some holiday. :D

Is the top soil for some vegies mate? What you had going in the old place before you moved were a real credit to you. Keep up the good work.

[banjo]

Na the top soil was here my step father got his digger & got rid of all the bindies in one area of yard but he never spread the soil so i did as i was bored.The new grass is being delivered on thursday bout lunch time so i will get in & through it out when it get here...

I wippersniped the edges & mowed the lawn today well all out the back anyway the front gets done with the ride on.....

Went & got my smokes this morning then went for a drive around the area found Maccas for the kids..Then went to east Maitland the back way then to green hills ,, well they can keep greenhills its to big a shopping center for me i will stick the the little village not to for away....


Yeah when i'm depressed its hard to get out of it Karen usualy helps me..
I will get help for my agerophobia when i get back home also for my anger . Cant get into any docs here they have closed there books i have a sister up this way been here for some years & still trying to get into a local doctor she still goes down to newcastle for a docs...

I cant just jump in the car & drive back to cardiff to see my doc if i could do this i wouldn't need him in the first place & i would be visiting people & going for BBQs & on holidays & be normal...

BUT YES I WILL BE GETTING THE HELP JUST NOT HERE BUT AS SOON AS I AM BACK HOME YES. IF I DONT GET BACK HOME GOD KNOWS WHAT I WILL DO..eVEN KAREN KNOW I CANT LIVE WITHOUT HER ..SHE IS MY SOULMATE SO HOPEFULY THE TIME APART SO SHE CAN HAVE HER TIME WE MITE BE OK...

I have had the suicide depression for a bit over 15 years now & have managed it well HEY IM STILL HERE . . BUT as Tony says its hard to not think of it & even harder to pull out of it but i have been able to sofar...

I think Karen is bringing the kids up tomorrow for a little while should be ok but crap its going to be real hard when its time for them to leave...

[banjo]

Well i asked mother if she could lend me a bit of $$$ to get another project for while i'm here , this was before i got here & she said yes .. but now i'm here well i'm not alowed to do that here if i want to do that i can do that back at home..But my stepfather was going to pickup my trailer for me with alot of my tools but that hasn't happend yet.. doubt they will but you never know.Mum did say i could work on my trailer here but i recon once its here it will change...

But i seriously need something to do here i'm sick of doing all there yard work when i'm not alowed to do something for myself..

I'm getting sick of pacing up & down the driveway..
I have my dog with me this time but even he is finding it hard as he doesn't have the kids around to play with him all day....

I have my banjo & mandolin & harmonicas here but i recon if i start on them i'm going to be asked to stop its to noisy...

[banjo]

Well i recon this thread is going to die out soon now its been moved to the soapbox as i always goto the general area..

Plus my net isn't the best up here its extreemly slow & doesn't always work & sometimes i only get 1 bar....

When they said it should be in here i should of asked if i could have had it put in the sticky in general.......Apparently theres quiet a few who do read it so i spose it would of been ok there...

I'll have to ask the boss what he recons...

Well i'll be off for a little while as i have to take out the net to charge my phone....

Seeyas after tea...

[bblaze]

I feel like **** myself today mate, just had all my top teeth pulled out, broke a couple in the front a couple of weeks ago and the cost of repair and the rest wernt 100%, so now they are all bloody gone and will be without top teeth for 2 months while waiting for a plate and the swelling to go down.
Hope your day is better
cheers
blaze

[banjo]

I feel like **** myself today mate, just had all my top teeth pulled out, broke a couple in the front a couple of weeks ago and the cost of repair and the rest wernt 100%, so now they are all bloody gone and will be without top teeth for 2 months while waiting for a plate and the swelling to go down.
Hope your day is better
cheers
blaze

WTF

2 months with no teeth ah well more Tbone for us....

Actualy all my teeth are stuffed & broken rottern & badly stained i would love to be knocked out & have them all pulled ..

Plus once i get some falsies if they get broken i can fix with areldite or if they get stained i can get the dremal out & some polish :D..
I used to tell old Tom that & he thourght i was mad but i recon that would solve all my teeth problems...

[Landy Smurf]

hey jason just wondering why does it bother you that this thread is here and not in general section anymore?

[banjo]

I usualy hang around in the general section thats all..

[DiscoMick]

I doubt if you should put Araldite in your mouth, could be poisonous.

[bblaze]

Hi Jason
Didnt get knocked out (my biggest fear) only been knocked out once in my nearly fifty years and that was by a fist, guy busted into my flat and scuffed me by the skin on my chest and dragged me up and hammered me, one hit, had to get my around my eye lanced after a few days as It was still so badly swollen the docs where worried about it. Back to the teeth, sat in the chair and took it like a man (8 needles later I was man enough), when he had finished he told me I had some of the biggest molars that he had seen and an extremely tough jaw bone, yep thanks. So been to bed for a while, had a gut full of pain killers so feeling like a tbone about now, just gotta find the dog to chew it up for me (stong doubts she would give it back once the chewin was done though. I reckon you should put a short cut on your desktop to your thread, how dare you think about not reading or inputing into it :D:D:D:D:D, would would I do without my daily read to see how you are getting on and if I could offer something that was of some worth to you
keep safe and stay positive
cheers
blaze

[Landy Smurf]

i must admit part of the reason i invited you to stay with me is so i could share my stories with and discuss things together and i like to help people

[Narangga]

Had a busy day yesterday Banjo. Like I told you driving a auto 3 ton truck with an exhaust brake was a new experience :eek2:

Then spent the evening trying to get malware off No. 1 son's laptop - but didn't :wallbash:

Now on to the good news - going to find some goodies for the Discovery today at TRS. No. 3 son is going to come with me. Will let you know what I find :angel:

[Landy Smurf]

hey jason how are things going sorry i cant text you i am low on credit

[Landy Smurf]

jason just wondering without mentioning names what do YOU want out of life

[banjo]

jason just wondering without mentioning names what do YOU want out of life

All i want out of life is my family together...

[Landy Smurf]

what do you want to do though

[banjo]

Well i had the kids for a couple of hours today & they came to bilo with me so i would go in & we done some shopping...That was it..About 10 seconds of getting out of the car they where ready to go home so they could be with there friends ..So i told them they dont have to come back as its boring & theres no where to go here for them so the agreed ....
So i wont be seeing the kids anymore till when or if i get to go back home which isn't looking like that will happen at all they are having to much fun with out me around for all of them...

So i will just send them a bday card & xmas card & some money that is it from now on....

It was so hard to see them all leave today & Karen didn't even want to talk to me So its probably best i dont see them again..


I just want to be back home i hate it here & i hate being here I'm so bored & now i'm not alowed to get another car (landy) to do up here which my mother said i could so i wouldn't go insane but now if i want that i have to do that back at home....They still haven't picked up my tools or trailer so they will be just staying at Karens .....

[banjo]

what do you want to do though

Besides dieing...
I just want my family back together So i can interact with them all & have the home life back...

[Landy Smurf]

i am having some tough times here myself jason so i have decided i need to get away so i am going camping somewhere on saturday for a few days you are free to join me
what do you think?

[Narangga]

All i want out of life is my family together...

That's what we all want mate - for our own families as well as yours.





I just want to be back home i hate it here & i hate being here I'm so bored & now i'm not alowed to get another car (landy) to do up here which my mother said i could so i wouldn't go insane but now if i want that i have to do that back at home....They still haven't picked up my tools or trailer so they will be just staying at Karens .....

That's tough mate. I know I'm like a caged lion if there ain't anything to do.

Is there any way that you could pick up the trailer with your Landy?

[banjo]

That's what we all want mate - for our own families as well as yours.




That's tough mate. I know I'm like a caged lion if there ain't anything to do.

Is there any way that you could pick up the trailer with your Landy?

Na i'm not alowed back to the house..

Plus all the tools in the trailer aren't all the ones i need .I need my welders & compressors from in the shed...
& once i started to do anything i would be in trouble here as my stepfather breeds expensive birds.. & i recon he would put a stop to any work pretty quick...

Plus my mums car is in my lounge room as such as i have a little bit of spacre in the double shed to use for a loungeroom..

[Landy Smurf]

what project stuff do you want to do

[banjo]

what project stuff do you want to do


Man i'll build anything or mod anything my parents wont let me play with there rideon mower..

But i would nearly kill for another landy ..A SWB would be good i haven't had one of them yet.

I once had a series 1 wagon on a rangie chassis..it was very bright yellow i built it..

[Landy Smurf]

how will you be able to afford it

[banjo]

how will you be able to afford it

I get $716.10 a fortnight on my pension I pay $50 a for power & water rent..
I have 1 bill which is $100 a month for my mobile. & i buy food as i need it & i get my meat in baulk so its cheap.. & i buy smokes thats it the rest is mine..

[Landy Smurf]

well that is plent for you to have a project

[Landy Smurf]

i dont want to sound pesteruring but seriously we have a 4 bedroom house for just 2 of us and a dog we live on 10.5 acres and have 9 bays so plenty of room plenty of tools

[Landy Smurf]

i see you have been looking at this thread for a while

[Landy Smurf]

what are you thinking about?

[Narangga]

I had forgotten the welder and stuff in the shed.

You would have loved being with us today at TRS - project stuff EVERYWHERE :D

[Landy Smurf]

oh did you end up selling all those rock sliders

[banjo]

what are you thinking about?



HAHAHAHAHAHA na sorry Tony i been chatin with Micayla on that MSN thingy she got me to sign up so we could chat of a night...


But i'm always thinking of something to do next on a landy....

[banjo]

oh did you end up selling all those rock sliders

Yeah yeah all gone . . .

going to do some sort of roof rack next full length ..

[Landy Smurf]

no probs.a roofrack ay they are always a good project

[DiscoMick]

Why don't you go down, load up the trailer with all your stuff and bring it back. Stop worrying about what you're allowed to do - you're certainly within your rights to reclaim your stuff.

[banjo]

Why don't you go down, load up the trailer with all your stuff and bring it back. Stop worrying about what you're allowed to do - you're certainly within your rights to reclaim your stuff.

I realy dont want it here if there is a chance i could end up back home which is what i want to do so who knows..

[Landy Smurf]

i can see your point
so what have you been up to today

[banjo]

i can see your point
so what have you been up to today

More yard work wip snip the whole front yard Then used the ride on & mowed that put down 60 square meters of grass for them & tomoz i cliping all the hedges oh yay...
Went to bilo got some cooking oil Then went to butchers then paper shop then back home here again..

[banjo]

Hey Tony did you get that cheap landy you said about ???? i realy need one ..

[banjo]

gees my car is chewing through fuel up here as the shops are out of the way a bit but its all 80 kmh & the gearing is bad in the landy i gotta get one of those transfer gear sets to change the gearing so it will be better ...

[Narangga]

More yard work wip snip the whole front yard Then used the ride on & mowed that put down 60 square meters of grass for them & tomoz i cliping all the hedges oh yay...
Went to bilo got some cooking oil Then went to butchers then paper shop then back home here again..

There's you project - give it a 6" lift :wasntme: :D

Got busy catching up with family today so didn't get back to you - sorry about that.

Saw boys 2 & 3 for a while, had lunch in the city and then went and saw my sister who has cancer.

Called in at Bunnings on the way home. Gee its cheap compared to where we live :eek2:

Drive to Mt Gambier tomorrow for a wedding on Sat.

[Landy Smurf]

going for a look tomorrow

[Landy Smurf]

hey jason i am going away this weekend still if things are the way they are i might take my brother to the airport monday otherwise dad can take him,if you want i could pick you up monday morning if you would like to come.

[banjo]

hey jason i am going away this weekend still if things are the way they are i might take my brother to the airport monday otherwise dad can take him,if you want i could pick you up monday morning if you would like to come.

Na thanks for the offer Tony it would be a bit to much at the moment..

[Landy Smurf]

no probs i will just go by myself and the dog maybe
if i was down at newcastle would it be ok if i dropped in i would that be to much aswell

[Papa Smurf]

g'day banjo your thread is one of the main ones i use to watch while i was being to lazy to join up:angel:
i am truley sorry to hear about what is going on in your life, just try and stay positive, try and make the best out of every situation, with every bad there is good, i know you can do it:cool:
papa smurf

[banjo]

no probs i will just go by myself and the dog maybe
if i was down at newcastle would it be ok if i dropped in i would that be to much aswell

Thats brobably ok .i usualy only have people visit for short times then build it up over time .....Anyone heard from Jim i haven't heard from him in a month or so ..Must of ****ed him off...
Hope he still stays in touch with Karen & calls in there ......she would like that..

I class everyone on here as our friends not just mine so plz keep in touch with Karen aswell ..Give her a ring say gday every now & then most of use have her mobile & home number...

[banjo]

Thats brobably ok .i usualy only have people visit for short times then build it up over time .....Anyone heard from Jim i haven't heard from him in a month or so ..Must of ****ed him off...
Hope he still stays in touch with Karen & calls in there ......she would like that..

I class everyone on here as our friends not just mine so plz keep in touch with Karen aswell ..Give her a ring say gday every now & then most of use have her mobile & home number...

She doesnt check her emails or get on the site much so use would have to ring her .....

[banjo]

g'day banjo your thread is one of the main ones i use to watch while i was being to lazy to join up:angel:
i am truley sorry to hear about what is going on in your life, just try and stay positive, try and make the best out of every situation, with every bad there is good, i know you can do it:cool:
papa smurf


Thanx i'm trying to stay as positive as posable ..very hard here at mums i'm way out the way & its lonely ...

All i seem to do is there yard work..LOL keeps me busy thow..

[Papa Smurf]

what did you use to work as?
papa smurf

[banjo]

Deisel Machanic also did automotive mural painting..

would kill for another project.save a bit first ...

[banjo]

Actualy i have to save up & get the transfercase gears cause its chewing through fuel up here badly..Everything is away so even going to the shops its 80kmh & the old landy busts its guts reving out at 3000rpm all the way ..Cant use an overdrive as i have the pto winch so have to change the transfercase.....So if anyone sees one for sale secondhand give us a yell I haven't been able to find one secondhand yet there are $1000 new from melbourne ....

Its even worse on the freeway up here & back to home...

[Papa Smurf]

so how long were you a diesel mechanic for?
papa smurf

[Papa Smurf]

so i am assuming another project is a land rover? what would you do if you had two land rovers though? i do remember reading about those rock sliders you made, they were really good, maybe if you are not ready for working maybe you could do this for some pocket money and for something to do to take your mind of other things. who knows you might one day become very well known amongst the land rover community.
papa smurf

[banjo]

so how long were you a diesel mechanic for?
papa smurf


I only stoped full time about 16 years ago but i still do somethings from now, well not from here but down home......

[Papa Smurf]

why did you stop? did you enjoy it? would you like to do that again?
papa smurf

[Narangga]

Actualy i have to save up & get the transfercase gears cause its chewing through fuel up here badly..Everything is away so even going to the shops its 80kmh & the old landy busts its guts reving out at 3000rpm all the way ..Cant use an overdrive as i have the pto winch so have to change the transfercase.....So if anyone sees one for sale secondhand give us a yell I haven't been able to find one secondhand yet there are $1000 new from melbourne ....

Its even worse on the freeway up here & back to home...

Forgot to ask you yesterday where abouts in Melb you found them for the grand?

In Mt Gambier for the wedding today so may not be back on again til tomorrow. Have a good day jason.

[banjo]

Forgot to ask you yesterday where abouts in Melb you found them for the grand?

In Mt Gambier for the wedding today so may not be back on again til tomorrow. Have a good day jason.

it was at that landy place Anda Lawson & her hubby own cant think of the name of it now ..They have the big parts catalouge all 4 X4 or something the book catalouge is at Karens....

[Papa Smurf]

hey banjo how is this fine long weekend treating you?
papa smurf

[banjo]

hey banjo how is this fine long weekend treating you?
papa smurf

Pretty crap the kids came to see me today on the train they got here at 10 & left on the 11 oclock train the ride on the train up here was better than being here for them .. They where so bored that they went home on the next train...

Its killing me being up here i hate it here & i hate being here...
I cant live without Karen so i will just die up here lonely & of a broken heart....I miss being apart of there lives down home so much ......

[banjo]

karen & the kids have been my life for so long i dont know what to do ..
I'm so lonely up here ....I have no one to talk to except my mother & stepfather & we dont have anything in common......
so i just sit here for awhile then i walk up & down the driveway a few times then come back & sit around some more then i go up & down the driveway gain & i do this all day everyday..I cant aford to just go out anymore so this is my life from now on..

[digger]

Jason,
Mate hang in there, it has to get better!.

If you can't do project work due to the noise, maybe go another direction?

I would think that you would probably be a good gardener as you are around the place to look after the plants, I suggest you think about striking plants like lavender or rosemary to build up lots of small plants (people want them in uniform sizes and in bulk for hedging), then move to include roses etc.

A mate of mine (well acquiantance really) turned his life around by doing this and graduating to bonsi plants (is that spelt right??) so much so that he has met a sheila from the US and moved there!!

Its a no noise and time consuming as you want project, I can even see you could call it "banjos botanicals" !!!

Its something to think about, with everyone impatient to have everything already grown (eg the roll down lawn instead of seed etc) and once you crack a display home builder or similar you'll be set!

Lastly with hedging etc comes topiary - the sculpting of hedges etc etc...
most people who do these really well are people who wear their emotions closer to the surface and so are more in touch with their emotions... sound familiar?

This is just a thought though.... and once you start you could sell through here to get a kick off...

Think outside the square mate, if you cant do something because of the noise what is opposite you can do... gardening!

Just keep your head held high, its hard for you and the kids I know, the novelty of the train ride will wear off and they'll start to miss you more as time passes so will stay longer, and if you do go with the plants etc, you can have them help and take some home... nothing better than something they can say they helped grow themselves (with dad!)

cheers mate...time to move to the next stop Jason,no use standing still too long as nothing good will happen unless you make it.!!

we are all on your side here.
digger

[banjo]

Jason,
Mate hang in there, it has to get better!.

If you can't do project work due to the noise, maybe go another direction?

I would think that you would probably be a good gardener as you are around the place to look after the plants, I suggest you think about striking plants like lavender or rosemary to build up lots of small plants (people want them in uniform sizes and in bulk for hedging), then move to include roses etc.

A mate of mine (well acquiantance really) turned his life around by doing this and graduating to bonsi plants (is that spelt right??) so much so that he has met a sheila from the US and moved there!!

Its a no noise and time consuming as you want project, I can even see you could call it "banjos botanicals" !!!

Its something to think about, with everyone impatient to have everything already grown (eg the roll down lawn instead of seed etc) and once you crack a display home builder or similar you'll be set!

Lastly with hedging etc comes topiary - the sculpting of hedges etc etc...
most people who do these really well are people who wear their emotions closer to the surface and so are more in touch with their emotions... sound familiar?

This is just a thought though.... and once you start you could sell through here to get a kick off...

Think outside the square mate, if you cant do something because of the noise what is opposite you can do... gardening!

Just keep your head held high, its hard for you and the kids I know, the novelty of the train ride will wear off and they'll start to miss you more as time passes so will stay longer, and if you do go with the plants etc, you can have them help and take some home... nothing better than something they can say they helped grow themselves (with dad!)

cheers mate...time to move to the next stop Jason,no use standing still too long as nothing good will happen unless you make it.!!

we are all on your side here.
digger


Thanks digger

Yeah i have been doing all there yard work & getting sick of it quick..
Doubt i will be able to do anything from here unless theres something in it for my parents thats how they think..

[banjo]

Well guys i have about 30 or 35 hours left on my internet & once that runs out i wont be able to get any till i get paid again in a fortnight..




& if Karen & i dont sort it out how in the hell am i going to meet a lady & even if i do who in there right mind is going to want a retard for a partner..

Theres not a lot i can offer a woman except um well nothing..
I dont go out so she would be going on her own to most things so that wont last long....

& on top of all that i have so much baggage who is going to want that..

So yeah i will die lonely & i honestly hope it happens fast as i cant handle not being around Karen or the kids..They are all i have ever had in my life & Karen meens more to me than life itself she is an amazing person who has lost alot because of me..She is going to the gym everyday now & is having so much fun without me because she doesnt have to worry or stress over me..& she told me today that she is able to relax now & she loves it..

I do know what i would have to do if Karen would let me back home .. all i want is to enjoy Karen being happy & be a family again...All i ask for is to be shown a little love ....& i dont want Karen worrying or stressing over me & it would be great if she would relax around me..
I do want to get the help for my agerophobia & also my anger & honestly i cant do that here my doc is down there & if i was able to just goto him from here then i probably wouldnt need him in the first place....

I am so petrafied of Karen throwing me away & loosing her & the kids its not funny ..
I still cry myself to sleep most nights ..
ITs killing me up here ..
If i dont end up back home i just hope i could die as i cant live without my family..

[Ace]

I have been reading your posts for a few weeks now Banjo and it seems to me that you are your own worst enemy. How will anyone ever think highly of you when you spend most of your time putting yourself down?

I wont pretent to sympathise with your situation and insult you because I dont know what you are going through. I have had friends in your situation however who have worked through their problems to have relatively happy and meaningful lives. Sometimes it can be hard to keep a positive outlook on thing when it seems the world is out to get you. But take each day one day at a time and confront individual problems one at a time so they dont pile on top of you. From what you have been saying in your last few posts keeping busy is something that you need to focus on, Digger had some good suggestions, at the moment just look for anything that you can do to keep busy. God take up walking and just go for along walk each day. Nothing will get better if you sit at home wallowing in your own unhappiness, things will manifest themselves and get worse.

If being with Karen means so much to you then work your arse off and get her back, no point throwing your hands in the air and saying oh well, thats it for me, life is over. Heaps of people separate, have their time appart and get back together at a later date. Sit down with Karen and find out what it is that has made her want to separate, acknowledge her feelings and then make a mental note of what was said and work on fixing it.

[Papa Smurf]

ok so you can admit what the problems are.good work
you know what you need to do.great work
do you know what your kids are interested in? remember they look up to you, you are there guidence.
couldn't some one pick you up from where you are now and take you to the doc?
karen and the kids they want to see change not just hear it.
newcastle is a very busy place, why not move some where, where you will have more room to go and with less people, trains and busses cover most of australia you know.
wishing you all the best papa smurf

[Ace]

karen and the kids they want to see change not just hear it.

papa smurf hit the nail on the head. Unless you suck in a deep breath and take the plunge to get things on the right track nothing is going to happen.

People will only put up with someone saying things are going to change for so long if nothing actually changes.

You have plenty of support on here Banjo, more support than alot of people do in your situation, and having the ability to sit there and read through peoples thoughts and then write your own thoughts down can be a huge advantage. its less confronting than a face to face conversation.

[banjo]

ok so you can admit what the problems are.good work
you know what you need to do.great work
do you know what your kids are interested in? remember they look up to you, you are there guidence.
couldn't some one pick you up from where you are now and take you to the doc?
karen and the kids they want to see change not just hear it.
newcastle is a very busy place, why not move some where, where you will have more room to go and with less people, trains and busses cover most of australia you know.
wishing you all the best papa smurf

Na i panic hugely if i'm in a car with one else ..

I cant proove that i want to do the changes Karen wants as i'm not there ...but i am doing my best from here doing as much as i can i have had to surport myself & fend for myself in a completely new area..which is huge for me..

[banjo]

Yes y life is a misserable one ..
Then Karen came along & completely changed my world in a way i will never be able to repay her i think..

For 23 years Karen has been my everything Then came the kids AWESOME.
My life was great..But over the years not all of them but over the years i made Karen feel bad ,she felt she coundn't do anything except be home with me & she couldn't relax....

Now i want to do everything Karen asks of me to make it upto her as i said i cant live with out Karen & no i'm not living here i'm just exsisting here...

Karen & the kids are everything to me if it wasn't for all of them mainly Karen i would of toped myself by now Karen is the most amazing woman ..

There is nothing in this life for me without Karen or the kids they are the only thing to meen anything to me ..Now i know what i have to do , in the way if i was back home I dont come first & if theres something i cant do then i have to wait till Karen has the time to get it or even better if she has the time & could just come with me to get it....

I realy have enjoyed doing all the stuff i was doing at home for Karen & i realy want to keep doing that but that is a little difficult from here...

So i dont know what i can do ....

[Papa Smurf]

so why do you freak out if your in the car with some one? what if they put you in the back of the car? or what if you follow someone?
papa smurf

[DiscoMick]

WHY do you panic, Banjo? What is in your mind at that time?

[banjo]

agerophobia is panic attacks ..Its um i dont know how to explain it they just happen & when they do they usualy happen big time ..Plus i make the worst passenger & i like to be in control of a car..even if Karen was to pick me up from here i would panic ...& unfortunatly for me to just say right im going to my docs back home from here & was able to do this with no dramas i guess i would be out visiting people & doing everything like a normal person & i probably wouldn't be in the situation i am at the moment.
I had some normality at home & was able to do some thing on my own as everything was close by...& i was working towards taking Cody to footy training a couple of times on my own & going to a few of his home games aswell now thats gone....I wouldn't make it from here but i will give it a go if im still here when he starts footy again not to training but to some of his home games...

Doing that is alot differant to going to the docs as i am always scared of catching something from sitting in the waiting room & its better if i know the outlay of somewhere first it helps & makes it easier to go there.. So i don't know about the shrink as i have never been to there offices so it would be something new all together & i would be nervouse...

[DiscoMick]

Just trying to understand what's going thru your mind just before you have the attack. If being in the driver's seat helps you to feel in control, then when you have an attack is it because something makes you fear you're losing control? What could that be, I wonder?
I mean, obviously you're NOT losing control, you are still in control, so there has to be some trigger to cause you to wrongly think you're losing control when you're actually not. Probably didn't explain that very well...sorry.

I found this while doing some reading. May be something helpful there...

http://au.reachout.com/find/articles/panic-attacks

[banjo]

WHY do you panic, Banjo? What is in your mind at that time?

That ones hard it varies i spose but i spose its more the thought of another panic attack cause i know how bad they are & they are embarressing when they happen ...Aus said i was shaking like a leaf when i visited him at Kotara & i didn't think i was but obviesly i was & that made me feel embarest after i read that ...sort of makes me want to stay at home so it never happens again or that no one sees it again... But i was doing quiet a lot back home i even took aus home from the dentist & i visited him at home & at Kotara but that would never happen from here its way to far & i cant turn around & head for home then try again once i settle myself ..when i visited aus at Kotara i had to stop twice pull over then carry on ..

[DiscoMick]

So the fear of having an attack is part of the cause of you having an attack?

[Landy Smurf]

banjo i am in newcastle tomorrow from 730am i have time to stop in if you are not doing anything

[banjo]

So the fear of having an attack is part of the cause of you having an attack?

YES mostly . But the smell of alcohole will do it to me aswell some men can do it to me aswell , u only have to talk down to me & i'm off panicing..

There are some other smells that can do it to..Some voices do it aswell.

[bblaze]

I know its not like your problem, As you probable read I had all my top teeth pulled on tuesday as the cost of repair was rediculus, so for the next two months I will be toothless (like them poor old homeless drunks you see), Now I dont give a damm what any bugger thinks about my gumminess. My point is that dont be ashamed because you have an attack, bloody heck its a medical condition. Anyway now I have you number I will give you a ring from time to time, then you can have a laugh at my expense while I try to get my tougne around my words. I will give you a short text before the ring if thats best
cheers
blaze
bugger nearly forgot
stay safe, try to think of one positive thing you have achieved each day and be proud of that.
ps
Also an ex diesel fitter

[banjo]

Na im at maitland but i know Karen will be home if u would like to give her a text she mite say G'day.

[DiscoMick]

So I guess you associate the smell of alcohol and some men with a bad past experience?

[banjo]

So I guess you associate the smell of alcohol and some men with a bad past experience?

Yeah the abuse came from my father

[Landy Smurf]

Na im at maitland but i know Karen will be home if u would like to give her a text she mite say G'day.
why are you there for

[Landy Smurf]

goodluck jason i am off you have my phone number and my eamil address is on my thread "tonys world"

[Narangga]

G'day Jason. Made it back to Adelaide safe and sound.

Too much traffic on the road to get bored today :D

Going in to the city to go shopping tomorrow then picking up our eldest son to have lunch with him on his birthday - first time in 6 years since he left home.

Have you managed to dry out the inside of the Landy yet?

[banjo]

Well im not to sure what to do anymore .I am still madly in love with Karen & she doesn't even know if she loves me after 23 years ...

I hate being up here & i hate it here. just put some oil in the car .got bugga all clutch & the bastard leaked real bad the other night ...

I miss Karen but i cant be at home as i want more than she is ready to offer.....

I miss the kids heaps as i have been around them everyday of there lives..
Even though they go out i am there in the morning when they get up & wen they get home from school & im there when they get home from down the road & now with the school hols they are out all the time & i miss being there when they get up & when they get home I love to hear how there day has been & wot they got upto as i dont go out much so its good to hear that the kids are actualy having fun ...

Karen is having so much fun while im not there she doesn't even miss me ..She love not having the resposability or pressure of me there & she told me she is able to relax now..& i dont want that to change i just want to be with her to enjoy her being happy & to do some things with her even if that meens just doing the shopping or going for a walk with her..
All i ever wanted was to feel some love off Karen ......

I realy dont know what to do now.. I have been doing the yard work around here ..But other than that i just sit around as everything i know is down home.. even the shops there stuff all here for me & as i dont go out to clubs or anything like that i just sit here ...

[banjo]

What is wrong with me i cant live without Karen & i dont want to live without Karen she is everything to me my best mate & it feels like she has died...
Is it so wrong that i am still in love with her even more now than when we first got together ..

I'm having so much trouble here without her ..I dont live i just exsist...

I'm so scared of dieing lonely the kids dont visit which is ok as it took us so long to get Fred to go out i dont want her to stop being with her friends ...

I am petrefied of being so lonely i will never meet another woman as i dont go out i will never feel another woman emotionaly or physicly..

I see some of you guys dont talk on here to me anymore...

Its killing me here & yes i do just want to die . I have lost everything that is close to me & very dear to me.. We where so close our little family..

So yeah thats where i'm at. I miss Karen & the KIds so much its not funny it hurts so much as they have been my life for so long...

[banjo]

Has anyone from here been in touch with Karen..



Maybe i should get use to ring her as use seem to be able to put thins to me in retard terms & i am able to understand use ......

I have no idea what to do i'm so lonely here i talk to myself alot ..

I have been drawing up a tattoo for fred & looking for one for cody...


**** i miss Karen so muych & the kids & just my life with all of them......

[banjo]

I dont seem to be able to get Karen to understand that its in the past & that it wont be the same as i want to change for her & not do the things i used to & i want the help if she would help me do that for her & the kids...
I can only change the future for her & want to do that for her so i can be with her & the kids & enjoy her being happy ..

I dont want her to feel she has to hurry home to me or that she has to stay at home & i dont want to take it out on any of then just because i cant go out its not there fault I am the one with the problem not Karen or the kids so if i have a bad day or week i cant take it out on them or blame them ...

I just want to do what Karen wants of me .......

[V8Ian]

I dont seem to be able to get Karen to understand that its in the past & that it wont be the same as i want to change for her & not do the things i used to & i want the help if she would help me do that for her & the kids...
I can only change the future for her & want to do that for her so i can be with her & the kids & enjoy her being happy ..

I dont want her to feel she has to hurry home to me or that she has to stay at home & i dont want to take it out on any of then just because i cant go out its not there fault I am the one with the problem not Karen or the kids so if i have a bad day or week i cant take it out on them or blame them ...

I just want to do what Karen wants of me .......
The only way you will show Karen your sincerity is to get proffessional help for your condition. You've said you will do so, but to date you have used every excuse not to. Why would Karen trust what you say, and why should her taking you back be a condition of you seeking help.

[banjo]

The only way you will show Karen your sincerity is to get proffessional help for your condition. You've said you will do so, but to date you have used every excuse not to. Why would Karen trust what you say, and why should her taking you back be a condition of you seeking help.


ITS not a condition of me going back & i will get the ****ing help ..
If i could just jump in the car & drive all the way there to the docs get my referal drive back here then make an apointment to goto the shrinks & drive down there for it & then drive back here i wouldnt have a problem ..

And if i could do all that i wouldnt be living this ****ing **** hole life of mine & wouldnt have put Karen through the **** she has been through..

Do use realy think i like to live like this i wouldnt wish this on my worst enamy..
I have enough trouble here just geting to the ****ing shops so that i can eat other wise i wouldnt be here..i would of starved by now..

I looked into the hospital here & they dont have a mental health department but they could put me into the mental hospital if i like..

**** me i'm having enough trouble just trying to get some sleep here..
My car is playing up with starting when hot the clutch is just about gone & i'm **** scared to drive it in case it doesnt start cause it would put me into a huge panic attack & i have no one here..
KAREN is the only person i trust..

So if i could get the help from here i ****ing would..
& if that is how Karen sees it to then i am completly ****ed & will be here for the rest of my ****ing life . Do you realy think i want that. or should i just let them put me into a ****ing mental home now .May aswell i dont see the kids now & there is noway in hell i will let them come see me in a mental home drugged out of my ****ing head so that i stay calm....

So yes i do have a problem yes i hate it yes i have done wrong to Karen Yes i miss everything that was my LIFE but if i have to get help from here im ****ed & i would rather die in that case....

Now use can understand why i think im a ****ing retard looser i have lost everything in my life to have ever ment anything to me cause of my problem & my upbringing thinking it was the right way..

Looser retard YES bigtime..

[banjo]

The only way you will show Karen your sincerity is to get proffessional help for your condition. You've said you will do so, but to date you have used every excuse not to. Why would Karen trust what you say, and why should her taking you back be a condition of you seeking help.


Yep your dead right Ian .i just asked Karen to read it all & i guess she thinks the same way so i will be living my ****ed up life here from now on...
Karen im very sorry..

[V8Ian]

Jason a lot of people have put a lot of effort and more, into you and this thread. We can only do a very limited amount, you need proper help, and we are prepared to support you if you decide to get help. You can whinge and complain all you like about your living arrangments, but it's not going to change if you keep making excuses for not getting the help you desparately need. We can't help you if you refuse to help yourself mate. The ball's squarely in your court Banjo.

[banjo]

Jason a lot of people have put a lot of effort and more, into you and this thread. We can only do a very limited amount, you need proper help, and we are prepared to support you if you decide to get help. You can whinge and complain all you like about your living arrangments, but it's not going to change if you keep making excuses for not getting the help you desparately need. We can't help you if you refuse to help yourself mate. The ball's squarely in your court Banjo.

Well i'm sorry guys that i have been a waste of your time i already knew i was a waste of space didnt need use to let me know ..
I have only just been able to do some things on my own from home & Karen says to me its to late so i cant proove it to here or keep it up moving up here has put me right back to the begining so i have to start again & its going to be a long time coming cause now i dont have anyone to do it for ..The thing i was most working towards was taking Cody to footy training on my own now that wont happen...
I realy dont want to live with out Karen she has done so much for me & i left it to late for use to help me & show me the right way so now i have lost everything & have to completly start over again from the begining..
I have asked Karen to goto the bank when i get paid & she will give the money back to Jim & he can give it out to who gave it .....
I wont be bothering use anymore or wasting your time i thankyou all for the friendships i made & felt for the first time ever im so sorry to have let use down & i did warn use this would happen here that i would go backwards & im so sorry i cant help it..
Karen & the kids have been my life for so long i dont know any differant & there is noway on this earth i would of ment to hurt Karen nor did i deliberatly do it ..
I would appreciate if use would all stay intouch with Karen & the kids PLEASE..
IM very sorry for who i am & what my problem is i wish it would just go away but it wont as i have been told it cant be cured unless with a rope or bullet anyway..
IT has been awesome to feel what its like to be in friendships ..
I cant live without Karen even karen said that & then said tonight well you prooved me wrong cause im living here ..BUT im not im just exsisting i go get food & smokes thats it..
I want to fix this for Karen so much but i have to start over which will take so long & she will have moved on by then...

So i wont be back on here again my net runs out soon so i will use what i have left to talk to Micayla on MSN then thats it for me ..
I already feel like a waste of space up here i cant do what i was doing or keep at it to get to take Cody to footy training thats the one thing i was looking forward to acheeving as it would make him happy & possably proud of me & maybe even made Karen proud of me..

& i cant be in the house with them cause i want more from Karen & she doesnt so i will just stay here & pray to god she lets me come home oneday...

PS if use dont have Karens home or mobile number give JIM a PM he has it..

Again soory for letting use all down so bad ..

THANKYOU sincerly Jason...

[DiscoMick]

I really feel for you mate, it's hard for me to truly understand how you're feeling in this situation. We're not professionals, that's why we keep saying you need to get the professional help we can't give you.

I fully understand you want things to go back to the way they were in the past, but I'm afraid its clear that's not gonna happen, unfortunately. Beating yourself up, berating yourself for past mistakes, or abusing yourself with names like 'retard' do absolutely nothing to bring back the good parts of the past. Everyone whose relationship fractures goes through this, and its certainly very difficult. You're in one of the stages of grieving now, and that's a normal process to go through. Its made harder because of your particular situation.

That leaves you with the choice between endlessly reliving the past and trying in vain to recreate it, or looking to the future.

There's no future in vainly trying to revive the past, especially when you say yourself a lot of it was not good.

Your future is to make your future. What is your plan for the future?

Obviously, any plan for the future will need to include continued support in a program to do what is possible to overcome your problems, or to learn to live with the ones that can't be overcome. That's easy for me to say, I know, and hard for you to do, but that's the way it is. Only you can walk in your shoes.

Part of that plan should also include daily activities which keep you usefully busy and feeling a growing sense of satisfaction at your own abilities. Only you can decide what that involves.

If you can get a plan happening, you will improve your ability to relate positively to Karen and the children, and that will improve your life. Actions speak louder than words.

Everyone on here is behind you and wishing you well, but it can only happen if you take the lead. You can do it!

[banjo]

I only wanted to do what Karen told me i had to do to save the relationship which is what i was doing & wanted to keep doing.. That all i want out of life is Karen & to enjoy Karen happy & be a family .. But have been talking to Micayla & she said mum told her she has nearly made or has a desision & she doesnt want to live with it any more..

So i have know idea as to what that is..Im guessing its not with me back home ...

[banjo]

I only wanted to do what Karen told me i had to do to save the relationship which is what i was doing & wanted to keep doing.. That all i want out of life is Karen & to enjoy Karen happy & be a family .. But have been talking to Micayla & she said mum told her she has nearly made or has a desision & she doesnt want to live with it any more..

So i have know idea as to what that is..Im guessing its not with me back home ...

No just asked again & this is what she said.

mum said, to me. i thjink ive made my decission though and am enjoying myself

[DiscoMick]

You're not gonna like this, but I have to say it - there is more to your life than Karen.
Your plan for the future may or may not include some level of contact with Karen, who knows?
It's clear she doesn't want to go back to the co-dependent way it was in the past, so if you just demand that, you're only gonna drive her away.
Try to look beyond your desire to get back with Karen and see a plan for your own future.
Actually, that's the best way for you to have a chance of a continuing positive relationship with Karen. She doesn't want a dependent person, but she may want a more independent person. Is that you? Could it be you in the future? Only you can answer that.
I know its very hard...

[banjo]

You're not gonna like this, but I have to say it - there is more to your life than Karen.
Your plan for the future may or may not include some level of contact with Karen, who knows?
It's clear she doesn't want to go back to the co-dependent way it was in the past, so if you just demand that, you're only gonna drive her away.
Try to look beyond your desire to get back with Karen and see a plan for your own future.
Actually, that's the best way for you to have a chance of a continuing positive relationship with Karen. She doesn't want a dependent person, but she may want a more independent person. Is that you? Could it be you in the future? Only you can answer that.
I know its very hard...

YEP your probably right.BUT me being the spineless coward **** that i am like Karen has told me so i guess i lost everything to it ..
I will eventualy get some help from here its just going to be awhile before that happens .like i said i dont want to drive my car anymore just incase it doesnt start well i cant ring Karen to pick me up or get the car home so it will sit there till i can sell it.....



HEY AUS Karen will be around to your place a week this thursday as thats when i get my first full pay & she will drop the money off to you so you can hand it back to those who helped ..I wont be on again so i wont waste any of use time anymore ..
Again im very sorry for who i am & what i am .My problem wont just go away so unfortunatly.. so if & when i get some help up here i wont bother any of use till then & then i mite jump back on here & see what use have all been upto..
Stay safe everyone & i hope use all have a great Xmas & hollidays if you have them pland...

THANKYOU to all I shall see use when i sees use.. JASON..



PS by the way Fred told me last night Karen has made her desision & doesnt want to live with it anymore & she is enjoying herself lots..

[DiscoMick]

Please stay online Jason.

[Ausfree]

Banjo, how are you going mate, not good by the sounds of it. Mate, I have looked at this Thread every other day to see how you are going. One thing that seems to escape you is that EVERY body who has posted on this Thread genuinely cares about you. Suggestions have been made and rebuffed at every turn, it puts us ( your friends) into a corner. I for one have nothing else to offer except friendship and good wishes.:D
You mentioned a couple of posts back about giving money back that was raised by your good friends to help out your family. Note, I said your family and not necessarily you.;) To raise that money took a great deal of organising and time spent on the project, it didn't just happen.

You are now saying that you wish to give the money back, which means in a way you are ****ting on your friends, just because you do not agree with comments made on this Thread.:mad:

You say you don't have any friends, I for one am desperately trying to be your friend but I don't like being **** on. Banjo, I don't really know which way to turn now, but I will stay in the background again and I am ALWAYS ready to help in any way possible!!!:D
Cheers mate and good luck again!!!!

[Quarks]

Please stay online Jason.
Yeah!

We want Jason!
We want Jason!
We want Jason!
We want Jason!
We want Jason!
We want Jason!
We want Jason!
We want Jason!

:angel:
:D:D

[V8Ian]

Pretty much spot on Jim, I will not sever the friendship, and will offer any support I can, BUT..........you keep inventing excuses for not doing the only thing that may save you. :(

Regarding the money, what can Jim do with it? He has no idea from where it came, (nor does anyone else) Jim was only the messenger. It was deliberately set up that way, so no one knew who or how much was given. :p

[banjo]

use are pushing me backwards at the moment it feels like its my oldman all over again..
I have lost everything that meens anything to me ..

I found out today that Micayla is **** scared of me & my temper .yes i have a temper & i throw or kick screem & sware my hissy fit & then its over .I HAVE NEVER HIT ANY OF THEM NOR WOULD I ...I also found out today a couple of weeks ago we where fighting & fred Gave Karen a cuddle & i said hey i never get any of them not meening anything. so fred went to bed & i went for a shower & she snuk out & gave Karen another cuddle & said mum your doing the right thing he was going to hit you then..

So i feel **** knowing that...

Im 39 years old & all i want from life is Karen & the kids nothing else..
I would rather die..

I hate it here & hate being here . i talk to myself lots..

Its killing me so bad being away from Karen & the kids..

I dont know what to do. if i could do what use ask or say i woild be visiting the kids everyday...

[Ausfree]

]use are pushing me backwards at the moment[/B] it feels like its my oldman all over again..
I have lost everything that meens anything to me ..

I found out today that Micayla is **** scared of me & my temper .yes i have a temper & i throw or kick screem & sware my hissy fit & then its over .I HAVE NEVER HIT ANY OF THEM NOR WOULD I ...I also found out today a couple of weeks ago we where fighting & fred Gave Karen a cuddle & i said hey i never get any of them not meening anything. so fred went to bed & i went for a shower & she snuk out & gave Karen another cuddle & said mum your doing the right thing he was going to hit you then..

So i feel **** knowing that...

Im 39 years old & all i want from life is Karen & the kids nothing else..
I would rather die..

I hate it here & hate being here . i talk to myself lots..

Its killing me so bad being away from Karen & the kids..

I dont know what to do. if i could do what use ask or say i woild be visiting the kids everyday...
No we are not, you said that we didn't, we are trying to get you to move forward!!! Don't blame your father, don't blame us ( your good friends), blame yourself. Look in a mirror mate and say to yourself, "I am reponsible for me, nobody else, just me"!!!;)

[Ausfree]

While I'm at it Banjo!!:mad: I'll tell you what I have a step son thats a druggy, we help the Grandmother on the other side raise his kids, my wife's father is in hospital at the moment, not expected to live ( he is 90) and we are going to the hospital daily ( Mrs Aus is, I'm getting there between jobs) and I am spending time here trying to help you, am I wasting my time or what!!!;) You are saying "poor me, I miss and need Karen so much", listen buddy DO SOMETHING TO PROVE TO KAREN THAT YOU HAVE CHANGED and that means help and advice from professional people. You seem to be only looking at this Forum for help and there is one thing you have to grasp, this is a Forum for LandRover enthusiasts we can only suggest, which we have done and you throw up a roadblock at every suggestion made, I throw up my arms in dispair.:(
Mate, I ask you again ( for the umpteenth time) seek professional advice, you need this and you need a change of mind set, its like a druggy or a smoker or an alcoholic coming down from their addiction, YOU CANNOT DO IT ALONE, YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL ASSISTANCE to guide you through the difficult times ahead.
As I see it you are just going to wallow there in self pity......PROVE ME WRONG!!!;)

[banjo]

While I'm at it Banjo!!:mad: I'll tell you what I have a step son thats a druggy, we help the Grandmother on the other side raise his kids, my wife's father is in hospital at the moment, not expected to live ( he is 90) and we are going to the hospital daily ( Mrs Aus is, I'm getting there between jobs) and I am spending time here trying to help you, am I wasting my time or what!!!;) You are saying "poor me, I miss and need Karen so much", listen buddy DO SOMETHING TO PROVE TO KAREN THAT YOU HAVE CHANGED and that means help and advice from professional people. You seem to be only looking at this Forum for help and there is one thing you have to grasp, this is a Forum for LandRover enthusiasts we can only suggest, which we have done and you throw up a roadblock at every suggestion made, I throw up my arms in dispair.:(
Mate, I ask you again ( for the umpteenth time) seek professional advice, you need this and you need a change of mind set, its like a druggy or a smoker or an alcoholic coming down from their addiction, YOU CANNOT DO IT ALONE, YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL ASSISTANCE to guide you through the difficult times ahead.
As I see it you are just going to wallow there in self pity......PROVE ME WRONG!!!;)

Hmmm now what shall i do should i just drive down to my docs & back after the appointment & then make an appointment for the shrink then drive down there & back again after it..SO EASY ISNT IT...now if i could just up & do that trust me i would be visiting my bloody kids everyday...
yes i could ring someone but again they will just tell me to seak help off shrink so that would make it so much easier to do because i rang someone so they could tell me the same thing use all do...

Now if it was that easy for me i wouldn';t be where i am right now..

So tell me why its going to be easier for me to get there from here when i have trouble getting there from home which is only 2 minutes away from the docs..

I was doing all i could back home & was able to do a few things on my own like visit aus at home & at kotara..& i felt i was doing it for Karen & the kids like i said i was looking forward to achieving taking Cody to footy training on my own so he mite be happy & posably proud of me..

Up here i am having trouble just fending for myself getting food & the like, so how the hell can i just jump & go back down there to see the doc...



Yes i want to get help but its extremely hard from here maybe after i can fend for myself i maybe able to somehow do this..
At home it was easier as i was doing it for Karen & the kids i would still be doing this from here but it mite be better if i could actualy fend for myself first...

Use dont seem to understand that a panic attack is so debilitating that if i did all this to the docs & had a panic attack would set me back sofar i wouldn't be able to do a thing...

[Ausfree]

So what you are saying is that when you lived at home you couldn't do it for 23 years, so now you are living at Maitland there is an extra reason why you can't do it??????????????????:confused: Sounds like a nice comfy extra barrier to me, Banjo!!!!;) Look we do understand a
panic attack is very debilitating, so are other conditions like cancer, alcoholism, addiction to drugs, smoking,heart conditions, I can go on and on, but the central issue remains, you decide to tackle the problem or not!!!;)

[banjo]

So what you are saying is that when you lived at home you couldn't do it for 23 years, so now you are living at Maitland there is an extra reason why you can't do it??????????????????:confused: Sounds like a nice comfy extra barrier to me, Banjo!!!!;) Look we do understand a
panic attack is very debilitating, so are other conditions like cancer, alcoholism, addiction to drugs, smoking,heart conditions, I can go on and on, but the central issue remains, you decide to tackle the problem or not!!!;)

No for 23 years i had know idea i was doing wrong.use pointed that out so i did something to late appently..do u think i would of did what i did if i knew it was hurting Karen or the kids..I dont think so..

[V8Ian]

Jason, you said a few posts back that you could book into the hospital. This seems to be a good idea on two fronts, you get the help you need and also escape the living conditions you appear to loath.

[The ho har's]

Banjo ring the numbers you have been told about to help you...also I am sure there is a perfectly good doctor in Maitland that can direct to the best possible help...and don't say I can't ..when you ring tell them you're problem and they may accommodate you with a home visit or similar;)

Mrs hh:angel:

[banjo]

Jason, you said a few posts back that you could book into the hospital. This seems to be a good idea on two fronts, you get the help you need and also escape the living conditions you appear to loath.


Its a mental hospital & would be drugged up to stay calm

[banjo]

Banjo ring the numbers you have been told about to help you...also I am sure there is a perfectly good doctor in Maitland that can direct to the best possible help...and don't say I can't ..when you ring tell them you're problem and they may accommodate you with a home visit or similar;)

Mrs hh:angel:

My sister has been here for a few years now & has only just been able to get into a doctors as there books are closed ..

[Ferret]

A bit of hunting about

Anxiety Panic Hub - Self Help - The Journey to Recovery by Bronwyn Fox (http://www.panicattacks.com.au/index.html)

Anxiety and Stress Management Service of Australia - Self Help Program (http://www.anxietyhelp.com.au/dvd_self_help.html)

These seem to be commercial operations but maybe some of the money people have offered can be used on these programs. Nothing to lose, is there.


Mental Health Association NSW - Facing Anxiety Program (http://www.mentalhealth.asn.au/my-programs/facing-anxiety-program.html) Anxiety Disorders Information Line 1300 794 992

Banjo, I wish you well but you need to understand nobody is going to fix this for you. No doctor, no shrink, no well meaning people. Only you can fix it. Yes, I understand there is no cure, as such, but many others with debilitating conditions like yours have learnt to manage their condition and this it what it all about - YOU LEARNING TO MANAGE YOUR SELF.

Easy isn't it. No really I know it is not but nothing is going to happen until you pick up the phone.

Somehow, I think I am telling what you already know but fear to do.

[V8Ian]

Its a mental hospital & would be drugged up to stay calm
Fifty years ago maybe, not now. Stop dreaming up excuses, if you want a chance to win Karen back do something before it's too late. Would you rely on a mental health practisioner to help with your Land Rover?

[banjo]

thankyou i have saved them &will look at them in the morning as im going to bed to see if i can get any sleep i havent slept properly since being here i usualy only sleep a max of 3 hours anyway but since being here i sleep for an hour if im lucky..

That last link i think is for people wanting to help other but i will look in the morning & i willRING one of them & see how it goes..

Dont expect miricals guys its a very very long haul ..as i said im going backwards a bit & i still have to try & get some food & drinks tomorrow & im worried about the car as i cant just ring Karen or walk home...

My net is bad up here & just about to run out..But could someone get the numbers & links from past posts & put them all in one post for me PLEASE ..


PS are use happy now..i will ring someone but if it goes wrong like last time i will never ring again...

[banjo]

God i hope its a woman on the other end when i ring

[banjo]

Fifty years ago maybe, not now. Stop dreaming up excuses, if you want a chance to win Karen back do something before it's too late. Would you rely on a mental health practisioner to help with your Land Rover?

Dont all landrover owners need one of them in the tool box...Its apart of landy ownership isnt it.

[V8Ian]

Nah, only the leafers mate. :p Boingy boingies are OK. ;)

[Ferret]

Dont expect miricals guys its a very very long haul ....

PS are use happy now..i will ring someone but if it goes wrong like last time i will never ring again...


Nobody expects anything from you. If you do it then you must be doing it for your self not because of others expectations or to please others. If you do it for other reasons then you are just going through the motions. You must put yourself first and think of just yourself. That might sound selfish but unless you are fit and healthy then there is no way you can do anything for anyone else, even if you wanted to.

What happen last time, what went wrong. What will you do different this time to make it a better experience.

Something I can tell you is you usually get what you expect. The reason for this is because that is what you really want regardless of what you do or say. If you start down the road expecting it will be a waste of time then it will be, always, because you will find every reason to make it turn out that way, after all, you always knew it would be.

Yes it is going to be a very very long haul but you have to admit your in a very very deep hole and it's as dark as midnight. Time to start imagining a better life for yourself. Think about it, write about it, talk about it every day and at every opportunity. Eventually you will start doing things which will make it happen, little by little, because that is how peoples minds work, they plan and carry out the goals given to them.

My 2 cents worth.

[Narangga]

Hey Jason I don't think this thread is going to die like you said ;)

Has it stopped raining enough for you to check out the clutch?

[DiscoMick]

You're not doing it for Karen or the kids Banjo, you're doing it for yourself. That's a good thing. If you help yourself, then you might be able to help others too. One step at a time.

[banjo]

Well i was talking to Karen this morning & she was saying that no one from here has been in touch with her use all are our friends not just mine.So Please give her a text or a ring use all have her numbers home & mobile..



Do use want to know what i was talking to her about ???????

To bad use are gunna hear any way ..


I got in touch with BEYOND BLUE mental health to see what they could offer in the way of help ..

Well they run a program of self help courses but they dont have anything where i am at the moment as yet..BUT they do run a courses at Charlstown which is not far from home ..I have to have a phone asessment first & some email contact with the organizer lady so she can work out the best way to help & was told not to rush things or i would be in for a big let down if i tried to do that...The course is also for carers aswell to help them better manage there support....

I have emailed the organizer lady linda someone for my phone asessment but have been told i mite not hear till early next week as she is very busy..

I have also downloaded some info on selfhelp & advise ..I havent read it yet..

Karen said to ring life line but they are for suicide not anxiety .. But i am looking for a counsiler for the phone for the time being..

I am trying to find where i can get some more info sent out to me about some DVDs for the selfhelp i looked at one of the links Ferret put up & they had some DVDs but where very exspensive... i thought i mite of been able to get some free or even some books or reading matierial on the self help as this seems to be the best place to start & i have all the time in the world to read....
Apparently a lot of people who have read & or watched the matierial has helped them a lot to the piont they go out lots now & these things have ways to help yourself manage the panic attacks with breathing & mind exersizes to build up yourself ...

So if anyone of use know of books or anything yell out as i want to do some reading on it ..

Oh & i guess outside of Karen i will be puting use down as my support as i was told i will need the help & support of family & friends so i guess thats Karen & use..

Also while looking the mob Micayle seen & that Karen is now seeing came up as a speicalist in this field but i need a referal from my doctors to go there & i will have to go on a plan thing for the free treatment & i have to pay $50 on the first visit.. But i cant just jump in the car & do that down there just yet.. But i will be eventualy . . . I only get 6 visits on the plan thing but i can get another referal if needed..

[V8Ian]

Well i was talking to Karen this morning & she was saying that no one from here has been in touch with her use all are our friends not just mine.So Please give her a text or a ring use all have her numbers home & mobile..



Do use want to know what i was talking to her about ???????

To bad use are gunna hear any way ..


I got in touch with BEYOND BLUE mental health to see what they could offer in the way of help ..

Well they run a program of self help courses but they dont have anything where i am at the moment as yet..BUT they do run a courses at Charlstown which is not far from home ..I have to have a phone asessment first & some email contact with the organizer lady so she can work out the best way to help & was told not to rush things or i would be in for a big let down if i tried to do that...The course is also for carers aswell to help them better manage there support....

I have emailed the organizer lady linda someone for my phone asessment but have been told i mite not hear till early next week as she is very busy..

I have also downloaded some info on selfhelp & advise ..I havent read it yet..

Karen said to ring life line but they are for suicide not anxiety .. But i am looking for a counsiler for the phone for the time being..

I am trying to find where i can get some more info sent out to me about some DVDs for the selfhelp i looked at one of the links Ferret put up & they had some DVDs but where very exspensive... i thought i mite of been able to get some free or even some books or reading matierial on the self help as this seems to be the best place to start & i have all the time in the world to read....
Apparently a lot of people who have read & or watched the matierial has helped them a lot to the piont they go out lots now & these things have ways to help yourself manage the panic attacks with breathing & mind exersizes to build up yourself ...

So if anyone of use know of books or anything yell out as i want to do some reading on it ..

Oh & i guess outside of Karen i will be puting use down as my support as i was told i will need the help & support of family & friends so i guess thats Karen & use..

Also while looking the mob Micayle seen & that Karen is now seeing came up as a speicalist in this field but i need a referal from my doctors to go there & i will have to go on a plan thing for the free treatment & i have to pay $50 on the first visit.. But i cant just jump in the car & do that down there just yet.. But i will be eventualy . . . I only get 6 visits on the plan thing but i can get another referal if needed..After waiting 23 years I don't think you could be accused of that. :p Good on you for taking the step Banjo, make sure you follow through with it. :)

[banjo]

Well i pu Karen & the kids first today Karen has put in for Micayla's payment thing since she is 16 so they wont pay Karen for it till after she is 16 its only 2 weeks.. & Karen was going to be $150 so i gave it to her out of what i had left i should fine i have some left in the bank & a little cash on me & i get paid again on thursday so all is good. Plus Karen paper money still goes into the joint account so i said to Karen to take it when it goes in.....


AND i feel good for doing it puting them first .....its a great feeling to be able to help out....

[Sleepy]

Onya jase, your last two posts really cheered me. It's good to look forward. I am really happy that you are taking positive steps

[bblaze]

Hi Jason
This is the most progress you have made sinse starting this thread, bloody proud of you mate. ****ing with rain here, cold and all that while trying to get a shed finished (ever tried eating with no top teeth)
cheers
blaze

[banjo]

Well i mite not be on as much till thursday as dodo dont like working real well but i only have 17 hours left & i have been chating with fred for a couple of hours of a nite...

[Narangga]

Good onya mate. :BigThumb:

Thanks for the call - good to talk with you at last :D

Can't tomorrow as I'm on a plane going home to where its WARM :arms: :arms: :arms:

[DiscoMick]

Good on you Jason for taking some positive steps. Keep going, we're wth you...

[Ausfree]

No for 23 years i had know idea i was doing wrong.use pointed that out so i did something to late appently..do u think i would of did what i did if i knew it was hurting Karen or the kids..I dont think so..Banjo, I don't buy that, you are telling me that you went from a diesel mechanic working a normal job ( even though you had your problems) to being totally reclusive and not saying to yourself that there is not a problem??:confused: Look, I'm not trying to be nasty but there seems to be a period here of 23 years and you did nothing???:confused: It seems to me that you were in a comfy zone and you had Karen wrapped around your finger with the excuse that your father did bad things to you???:confused: Now lets rehash here, what is going on, my father also was a wife basher and I witnessed it as a kid, another poster on this Thread also witnessed wife bashing from an alcoholic father and we have got on with life.;)
I am considerably older than you and nothing would please me more than you to tackle this problem and beat it. I am not going to cosy up to you and say "Poor Banjo" because that does not help. I see you have taken some small steps to seek help and I say "Banjo Go For It":)

Cheers again and good luck!!!!:)

[Narangga]

If you get on here tonight Jason - thanks for your kind words.

Hang in there mate its tough but we are all still with you and you are definitely heading in the right direction.

As I have said before - the night is always darkest just before the dawn.

[banjo]

Yes use did see wife bashing but did use actualy feel the hits the mental abuse & all that stuff How much of it did use actualy physicly feel besides just seeing it....I have seen it felt it & lived it..No that not an excuse but use have to realise the scaring is a hell of a lot deep when u have felt it....

I have to resend the email as i have been useing our home email to check my emails but haven't set up the wireless so i can send them so i will try & work that out today...


Those are my last words I am learnly out of net & i gave my money to karen & the kids as i have enough food & **** to see me through till thursday when i get paid...

I'm not going to get into slinging matches here with use its not worth it as i dont stand up for myself so i wont be back on anymore....THANKS..

[DiscoMick]

Just keep being positive mate. You've made a start, so keep going...

[Knightmayre]

I suffer from bi-polar and panic attacks... I survive on a medley of pills (Epilim, Abilify, Seroquel (800mg at night lol) and good old Xanax)... just the other day I had to drive into the city & had a helluva job getting across the Bolte bridge as it felt like I was going to have a heart attack... I know the bridge isn't going to fall down, but it still gives me the heebie-jeebies something fierce. I was totally covered in sweat by the time I got over it.

I've been in and out of psych wards several times both here and in the US. In fact I am going for a study for the "Survey of High Impact Psychosis" on the 12th.

I also have been fired from virtually every job I've had due to absenteeism- those were the days when I just couldn't get out the door.

Luckily now I have a new partner that supports me (and makes sure I take my pills lol) and things for me are way better now... I haven't been suicidal for almost 3 years... last time I took a whole bunch of pills & got arrested and taken to hospital.

Thing is that you have to set yourself small goals and just proceed from there... baby steps is what's called for.

I dunno why I wrote all this lol but I guess I just wanted to let you know that there are others out there that can sympathise & maybe help.

Google MDJunction and join some of the support groups there- they're really nice people, plus they understand exactly what you're going through.

Cheers,
Dave

[banjo]

Thanks Dave i will do that first thing in the morning again thanks for that..


This is what happens when i am left alone & get bored & left to my own devises..

http://i949.photobucket.com/albums/ad337/jasonkarens/SDC10820.jpg


https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2010/10/1036.jpg


I think i realy mite need a new hobby....

[Narangga]

How long did that take you Jason?

[banjo]

How long did that take you Jason?


Just a tad over 2 hours ..& they hurt like hell while doing them....

[bblaze]

I gotta stick a bloody needle in myself twice a day, dont want that many bloody ****** in me mate. Check out my shed thread, just updated it. What do you do with a tat if you dont like it or make a mistake, new skin or what.
cheers
blaze