Jokes

[cuppabillytea]

I think Mitch meant to say Coke, but I still don't get it. :huh:

[Eevo]

Mod hat on. :spudnikhattip:
Of late some of the posts in this thread have become somewhat coarse. Please remember that this is a "G" Rated forum, and post accordingly; if it's not suitable for your daughter, wife, sister or gran, it's not suitable here.


G for grotesque :bat:

[Toxic_Avenger]

I had to call the boss today to get the day off work.
So I put on my best Indian accent...
Now he’s SURE to believe I’m Sikh!

[Toxic_Avenger]

To make it G rated.

Two guys walked into a bar. You'd think the second one would've ducked.


Sorry I couldn't resist.

Nathan.

A limbo dancer walked into a bar.
She was disqualified.

**

A baby seal walks into the club.
How sad.

[cuppabillytea]

I often walk into a Bar.

But I don't often walk out. [bigwhistle]

[Shoogs]

How tough are Australian men?

A dark night, cold wind blowing, camp fire flickering,stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the camp fire,one from Australia , one from South Efrika and one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous. The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen closeby.. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em withmy beer hends.'

Hansie from Seth Efrika said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my hengglider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today.'

Colin, the Australian, remained silent ... slowly poking the fire with his penis.

[trog]

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves ?
Russell

[67hardtop]

What do u call a blind reindeer...

No idea

[67hardtop]

What do u call a blind reindeer with no legs...

Still no idea

[67hardtop]

What do u call a blind reindeer with no legs and no balls...

Still no ****ing idea

[Nick S]

OK, what do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?





Warren

[jx2mad]

What do you call a man with no arms or legs trying to swim?


Bob!

[trog]

What do you call a young man with no arms or legs trying to swim ?
Buoy

[jx2mad]

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?


So they can hide in a strawberry patch


Why do elephants wear ripple soled shoes?



To give ants a 50/50 chance

[trog]

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hole ?
Phil

[V8Ian]

What do you call a woman with one short leg?









Eileen.

What do you call a Chinese woman with one short leg?









Irene.

[donh54]

what do you cal a woman strung up between two posts?





Barb!

[cripesamighty]

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who can swim?




Clever Dick

[cuppabillytea]

What do you call a man leaning on a shovel?





Dug.



What do you call a epileptic man in the bush?




Russel.

[dirvine]

A charity that sells sausages at Bunnings on Weekends will no longer sell bacon or pork sausages so as not to offend the Jews and the Muslims. In response Bunnings has decided not to sell nails and wood so as not to upset the Christians.

[Nick S]

Last one, I promise

What do you call a Chinese woman with a vitamizer on her head?







Brenda

[Toxic_Avenger]

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan?
You take away their brooms.

[Chenz]

Can't help it

What do you call a bloke with no arms and no legs at your front door

Matt

[Disco-tastic]

What do you call your grandad swimming at the pool?

Paddle Pop

[cuppabillytea]

What do you call the Irishman standing on your porch?



Paddy O'Furniture.

[Shoogs]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heartattack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the lounge watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled overwith a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---

[Toxic_Avenger]

James Bond swaggers into a bar and takes a seat next to the most attractive woman in the establishment.
He gives her a quick glance, casually draws back his perfectly tailored cuff, and glances at his watch.
The woman notices, and asks coyly, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” Bond replies, “Q has just given me thish state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it out.”
The woman is intrigued. “A state-of-the-art watch, huh? And what’s so special about it?”
"Well" Bond explains, in his most seductive tone “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady maintains eye contact, then takes a long sip from the straw in her cocktail. “Hmmm. So what is it telling you now?”
Bond pauses a moment contemplating his response. “Well, it tells me you’re not wearing any knickers.”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well you should tell Q that it's broken because I AM wearing knickers!”
Bond smirks, raises his watch to his face and vigorously taps at the watchglass “It appears the darn thing’s an hour fast!”

[cuppabillytea]

News Flash: Ireland has developed a new Viagra. It is claimed the new pill will be much healthier as it is 99% fat free.
Apparently the Church is set to give it the green light.
Meanwhile Nursing homes are hoping to see a drop in price of the original Viagra as it has been an expensive way of preventing their male patients from falling out of bed.

[67hardtop]

What do u call a dashound with steel balls???

Sparky

[Fifth Columnist]

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state
of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behaviour would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads and tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated - as if this were something I was great shakes at - and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times.

So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savoury character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.

[Saitch]

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state
of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behaviour would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads and tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated - as if this were something I was great shakes at - and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times.

So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savoury character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.

:arms::arms::arms:

[DiscoMick]

That was believable!

[RANDLOVER]

Ancient Eskimos would get very cold while out at sea hunting seals, but they couldn't build a fire in the boat otherwise it would sink.

The moral of the story? (scroll down)









You can't have your kayak and heat it!

[cuppabillytea]

The Man in the Moon is a bugger.

[Toxic_Avenger]

After a short stay, two unimpressed Deer trot out of a run-down gay bar.
One deer says to the other "I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there!"

[Eevo]

If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.


Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?


What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?


If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?


Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?


Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?


Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.


Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty


The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".


Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.


100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.


Your future self is watching you right now through memories.


The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.


If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.


Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.


If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

[Eevo]

Just been on Trip Advisor. They recommend LSD and magic mushrooms.

[cuppabillytea]

So do I. [thumbsupbig]

[350RRC]

................

Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work..........

That's why people take anti oxidants. [biggrin]

DL

[d2dave]

I went to a fancy dress party yesterday dressed as a chicken.

I hooked up with a girl who came dressed as an egg.

A life long question was answered that night.

It was the chicken.

[Toxic_Avenger]

I think my computer has been hacked by Russia!
Edit: I not hacked by Russia. The motherland do no such thing. Have good day.

[cuppabillytea]

Spaciba tovarich. Dobryy den'.

[Eevo]

thankyou friend something?

[350RRC]

thankyou friend something?

Thankyou friend vodka? [thumbsupbig]

DL

[cuppabillytea]

thankyou friend something?

It would have benn better spelt Dobryy den'= Good day.

[jonesfam]

SWMBO reckons I only have 2 faults.
The first is I don't listen &

some other thing she was prattling on about??

Jonesfam

[Toxic_Avenger]

The struggle is real.


A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost.
He reduces height and spots a man below. He then lowers the balloon closer to the ground and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "Well, you must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[donh54]

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement
was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.
But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.
When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they
felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie
we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked:
"How many children do you have?
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered
“They're in the cemetery with their mother."

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words...
and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers...


[bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf]

[donh54]

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:

Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly...
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.'

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly,' Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken... I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are...'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.


[bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf]

[Homestar]

As funny as those were, religious content is strictly forbidden in the general forums. A couple of those may not have been G rated either.

[donh54]

As funny as those were, religious content is strictly forbidden in the general forums. A couple of those may not have been G rated either.

I shall bow to your judgement, even though I may disagree.

Sadly, one of the problems with modern life seems to be that being in any way religious means a complete absence of a sense of humour, which makes it awfully hard to conduct a decent conversation with the "converted"

[Homestar]

It's not my call sorry, play by the rule or post it elsewhere. What part of 'STRICTLY NO POLITICAL OR RELIGIOUS DEBATE IN THE GENERAL FORUMS' didn't you understand? [wink11]

[Eevo]

technically... it wasnt a debate....

[pop058]

technically... it wasnt a debate....

Yes it was.


There, happy now [biggrin]

[Eevo]

Yes it was.


There, happy now [biggrin]


i see what you did there.

[cuppabillytea]

I'm sorry but I can't find the ones with religious content. Have they been deleted?

[kenleyfred]

Looks like it. I missed them too. Damn.

[incisor]

I shall bow to your judgement, even though I may disagree.

Sadly, one of the problems with modern life seems to be that being in any way religious means a complete absence of a sense of humour, which makes it awfully hard to conduct a decent conversation with the "converted"

religion and politics do nothing but cause friction, even in the jokes thread it seems.

and that is the reason it is not welcome..

[Toxic_Avenger]

Yeah. Friction. It's such a drag.

[incisor]

Yeah. Friction. It's such a drag.

boom boom

how'd i know you'd be the first to respond....

[Toxic_Avenger]

Telepathic perhaps?
I'm wearing my tinfoil hat and everything!
How'd you do that?!

[pop058]

Telepathic perhaps?
I'm wearing my tinfoil hat and everything!
How'd you do that?!

He is not Robinson Crusoe [bigwhistle]

[cuppabillytea]

I made up a joke today but It breaks all the rules. Oh well. [bigsad]

[trog]

Proof is in the telling. , go on you want to 💣

[Toxic_Avenger]

Straight to the naughty corner Billy.
No jokes allowed that make fun of / prejudice against / criticize anyone or anything, or are otherwise inconsistent with the status quo.
Have you considered a knock knock joke? Or perhaps a modern interpretation of the old classic 'why did the chicken cross the road' ? [bigwhistle]


The beauty of a joke is that oftentimes it says what cannot be said by inference. By nature some of this content is a little dubious, but that's where the humour is.

[Toxic_Avenger]

3 conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can't tell me this was simply a coincidence...

[cuppabillytea]

OK. Gotta get pinged some time I suppose.


What car does a Saudi Prostitute drive?

















A Muztang.

[Fifth Columnist]

A dung beetle walks into a bar...

"Excuse me, is this stool taken?"

[Fifth Columnist]

My wife woke up with a huge smile on her face this morning.

I really love felt tip pens.

[Homestar]

Lasers were once a huge scientific breakthrough - now we use them to play with cats.

Computers were once a huge scientific breakthrough - now we use them to watch cats on the internet.

Concusion - science was made for cats...

[Homestar]

I was going to make a joke about Sodium, but then I thought Na...

[Toxic_Avenger]

Do you wanna hear a joke about potassium?
K.

[gavinwibrow]

Or for something more agricultural than silver, how about Ag

[Fifth Columnist]

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab.
The results speak for themselves.

[cuppabillytea]

Oh wait!!!!! We haven't cycled around the Periodic Table.

[Shoogs]

Tom and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Tom fell head over heels for her.


When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Tom was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks,Tom had taken Nancyto dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Tom became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tom took Nancy to a fine restaurant.
While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tom said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd bettersay so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Tom, that certainly won't be a problem.I love you as you are and I love golf too but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years, I've been a hooker."



Tom said, "You're probably not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[Toxic_Avenger]

A woman walks into the pet store looking for a new pet.
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 ONO. Curious, the lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why is this beautiful parrot so cheap?"
The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things."
The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is:
"Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking, CAWWWWW." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New hookers in the house, business will be booming tonight, CAWWWWWW." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says,
"Good evening Steven!"

[cuppabillytea]

So the Parrot was punted from the Brothel for lack of discretion? [bigwhistle]

[Toxic_Avenger]

Trump, Putin and Merkel are walking along the boardwalk discussing politics.
As is the case with politicians, conversation invariably degraded to one-upmanship about how great their countries are.
Putin boasts: "Mother Russia now has submarine that can stay underwater for two veeks without needing to resurface for fuel! Pretty good, eh comrades?"
Trump, not the kind of person to be outdone by the Russians, tells Putin: "America has submarines... and other stuff too, I'm telling you, lots of stuff… and it's great, bigly stuff, and our submarines can stay underwater, and also, they don't need to come back up to the surface or resurface, for TWO months- because I made them, and our navy, great again!"
Merkel is just about to change the topic to something more sensible when suddenly a submarine resurfaces in the ocean beside the boardwalk. The hatch opens and a man salutes out of it: "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."

[Eevo]

Just a reminder that the Premature Ejaculation Society dinner is taking place tonight.


No dress code, just come in your pants.

[Eevo]

I phoned the jaundice clinic.
"Yellow...." said the receptionist.

[Fifth Columnist]

http://scontent.flhr3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/22886293_1271754269597868_5629547457742359651_n.jp g?oh=10fac4b477a566f5c029f159f52eed65&oe=5AA8B2C3 (https://scontent.flhr3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/22886293_1271754269597868_5629547457742359651_n.jp g?oh=10fac4b477a566f5c029f159f52eed65&oe=5AA8B2C3)

[jonesfam]

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb??

2, but you have to wonder how they got in there.

[kenleyfred]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2017/11/9.jpg

[Toxic_Avenger]

A man, cleaning out the attic of a deceased estate, finds a lamp. He rubs it, and a genie pops out.
The genie tells the man he will grant him one wish for setting him free. Thinking for a moment, the man says " I love driving my land rover... I love it more than life itself, and would love to travel across the entire world in my Landy, but I'm absolutely terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway that connects the whole world together, so I can drive everywhere?"
The genie explains that while he is magic, he cannot grant him a wish of that magnitude, and asked the man to pick another wish.
The man says "well, I also love reading AULRO, but the newbs always ask the same old question without searching first. Can you get them to use the search button before asking a silly question?"
The genie carefully ponders his response "So... was that a two lane, or four lane highway?"

[Rickoz]

CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS FORUM DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED ON HERE PLEASE.
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERY LADY SHE HAS BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS SENDING US NAKED PICTURES OF HER SELF IN SEDUCTIVE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSEUPS OF HER LADY BITS.
SHE IS OFFERING A IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.
I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE A IPHONE 5S AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH IT BECAUSE IT IS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAP LOCKS ARE STUCK ON.




Sent from my iPhone

[Fifth Columnist]

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can’t tell me that THAT'S just a coincidence!

[bob10]

You gotta like this no matter what your political views.



































https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=36bc3c6bc5&view=fimg&th=15f8e97264094da5&attid=0.1&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ-OGUpA4Yr8uYKJIGkZb7mQt763iy4YneqLScipWR5sjMHGXJZf1 YTnaH7yOOEO60qzkM-_9DO-XlOVPw6cMoJ7nWgLVUb3j1XjqNiR6kx9XswRHGfPiciMX2g&sz=s0-l75-ft&ats=1509965582426&rm=15f8e97264094da5&zw&atsh=1


















https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=36bc3c6bc5&view=fimg&th=15f8e97264094da5&attid=0.2&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ9Pg7suQponByo9-rro8KJpTWZ2XGb-ydcVWxhfov9e7SmdokDO8p8DzlX8CotgG2NfWpJ-7T4GUS-GCrev364EkXVDMtCz0kvun9B1TN_bbiiZd8rczuza3A8&sz=s0-l75-ft&ats=1509965582426&rm=15f8e97264094da5&zw&atsh=1


















https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=36bc3c6bc5&view=fimg&th=15f8e97264094da5&attid=0.3&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ96YI3JkjI1xuhIu8a6LrdXHbuYilh5e81f-bF9ZefY3DGnQn0GN9HbLTL2P5Dz4R5D8QL3n7cU2MiEWKL7_XJ ymFqxMb7hN4axJwvzsUoM-bBnFnzp8e71_20&sz=s0-l75-ft&ats=1509965582426&rm=15f8e97264094da5&zw&atsh=1


















https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=36bc3c6bc5&view=fimg&th=15f8e97264094da5&attid=0.4&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ9q8YXBZL1rpz41ElNkNy9AUDMk6g-oz0v07l6l6KD5wd-NHKp9IhrtlC6RIQgbzE7BelSBj6sExB265hApGdxeH7PFC7Gvb Ahc7yo6h7vXgdn4_Q5ijsg2l5Y&sz=s0-l75-ft&ats=1509965582426&rm=15f8e97264094da5&zw&atsh=1


















https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=36bc3c6bc5&view=fimg&th=15f8e97264094da5&attid=0.5&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ82aMaCjJeS95u9qQK_NjB1MpCvJBApff7g1pO-dMZIDdz7plttOjb4QzrrdKeCSH5pD3CgbZApLjmXjuAMnSx4IM Qcvm2oHBMRW-KcbHgZBzEwG6Lak0mN0mI&sz=s0-l75-ft&ats=1509965582427&rm=15f8e97264094da5&zw&atsh=1

[cuppabillytea]

Yes Bob, I love those little blue squares. Although,,, I thing I prefer red. [bigwhistle]

[cuppabillytea]

I started reading a book today " Donald Trumps Search For The Lost Korean" by Far Kim.
It was boring so I started reading this book about Gravity. I couldn't put it down.

[bob10]

I started reading a book today " Donald Trumps Search For The Lost Korean" by Far Kim.
It was boring so I started reading this book about Gravity. I couldn't put it down.A

Ah yes, gravity was written by that famous Chinese author Sum Wun .

[Toxic_Avenger]

A teenage paper boy was delivering to an apartment complex. All of a sudden, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing nothing but a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and they began to talk. As they talked, her robe slipped open a little, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on underneath. The paperboy breaks into a sweat, desperately trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes of flirting, the woman placed her hand on his arm and said, "Quick, let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely naked, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, the paperboy squeaked, "It has to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt the woman retorts- "My ears?! Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, the paperboy stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

[Eevo]

I've found out how to make Windows run faster.


I installed the French version.

[67hardtop]

My Windows went backwards... I installed the Italian version

[Toxic_Avenger]

.

[pop058]

.

brilliant, your best yet [biggrin]

[Toxic_Avenger]

I live to please... within the limits of what is acceptable [bigwhistle]

[cuppabillytea]

Thanks Mitch. I nearly scratched a hole in my screen, trying to get rid of your joke.

[Fifth Columnist]

That full stop could have been from something racist, sexist or obscene. I think it should be removed.

[Toxic_Avenger]

Most jokes about dead babies and the holocaust end with a full stop.
Yes, full stops should be outlawed!

[Toxic_Avenger]

My girlfriend complained about being itchy.
I had to correct her. There is no silent 'B'.

[350RRC]

Most jokes about dead babies and the holocaust end with a full stop.
Yes, full stops should be outlawed!

Baby jokes depend on the delivery.

[Eevo]

I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else. My mate Adam lost both his legs and voice in a bad accident, but do you see him doing a song and dance about it?

[Toxic_Avenger]

Baby jokes depend on the delivery.

Like this: ???

A woman gives birth to a healthy boy.
Shortly after birth, the baby looks at the doctor and says "are you my dad?"
“No, I'm the doctor” he replies, shocked.
The baby then looks around to another man in the theatre and says "are you my dad?"
The man replies “no..... uh, I'm your uncle”.
The baby then turns his attention to the person closest to his mother: "are YOU my dad?"
The man, fighting off tears of joy says "yes! I AM your dad!".
The baby glares at the father, then proceeds to poke him on the head repeatedly "Well. How. Does. THAT. Feel?!"

[cuppabillytea]

He didn't complain about the ice-cream though did he? Little ingrate.

[Shoogs]

Alfred was a camel with two huge camel humps.

He fell in love and married a beautiful
female camel named Marie, who had one perfect camel hump
and beautiful lips.

As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby boy camel,
born with no humps.

They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy
They finally decided on...
Are you ready for this
'
'
'
'
'
'
Humpfree
Oh, please stop your whining. It's a nice little story
and a lot better than some of the other rubbish I send

[pop058]

Oh dear, we are back to the Dad jokes again. [bigsad]

[Fifth Columnist]

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

[Toxic_Avenger]

Are you positive?

[Shoogs]

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous...

[austastar]

Hi
You would be left with no choice.
Cheers

[Eevo]

he'll be all right

[tact]

he'll be all right

I am ambidexterous - so I am certainly NOT all right.

[Disco-tastic]

This is getting out of hand

[Shoogs]

No one wants to be left, right, out...

Or that coveted position "half full on the fence"...

[cuppabillytea]

Well I'll have no part in it.

[Fifth Columnist]

Well I'll have no part in it.
Are you celibate? [bighmmm]

[Eevo]

A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.


“I’m sorry sir, but I can’t give you cyanide just like that.”


Without a word, the man takes out his wife’s photograph and holds it in front of him.


The pharmacist apologizes, “My mistake, I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”

[Eevo]

A priest asks the convict at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”


"Yes," replies the convict. "Can you please hold my hand?"

[Eevo]

Q. What do bacon and wives have in common?


A. They both look, smell and taste fantastic; they both also kill you slowly.




Life hack:
Hold your wife’s hand in the shopping mall.
If you don’t, she might start shopping.
To her, it is romantic; for you, it is economical.

[Toxic_Avenger]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?!"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[cuppabillytea]

A most relieving punch line.

[Tins]

A lawyer died, and arrived at the Pearly Gates. He spied St Peter, and complained. "It's not fair" he said, "I'm only 42". St Peter replied " We are using a new system. It's based on billable hours, and according to our records you are 157."

[RANDLOVER]

Two old guys are playing chess in a retirement home, when one of the old ladies runs by streaking. The one says to the other "Wow, did you see what Mary was just wearing?' to which the the other replies "No, but whatever it was it sure needed ironing"

[jx2mad]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'




'Because you got an F in sex.'

[Rickoz]

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75yo farmer who's hand was caught in a squeeze gate while moving his cattle from yard to yard the Doctor passed a bit of time by having a yarn with the old farmer.

Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and there roll as our leaders.

The old farmer said, Well as I see it, most Politicians are Post Turtles.

Not being familiar with the term, the Doctor asked him "What's a Post Turtle".

The old farmer said, when you are driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Turtle balanced on top of it, That's a Post Turtle.

The old farmer noticed a puzzled look on the Doctors face so he continued to explain.
You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function and you just wonder, what type of idiot put him up there to begin with.

[Toxic_Avenger]

A verb, a preposition, an article, and a noun
walk into a bar

[Fifth Columnist]

A verb, a preposition, an article, and a noun
walk into a barThey're there with their friends.

[Toxic_Avenger]

Hear here.

[Fifth Columnist]

"Hello everyone, and welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous."

"I see a lot of new faces here tonight."

[cuppabillytea]

A verb, a preposition, an article, and a noun
walk into a bar
You should be sentenced for that.[bighmmm]

[tact]

You should be sentenced for that.[bighmmm]

full stop

[Fifth Columnist]

You should be sentenced for that.[bighmmm]
Colon-ic irrigation?

[Toxic_Avenger]

I started a facebook group for fellow Chinese Nazis.
So far, it has 3 reichs.

[cuppabillytea]

The blind man put his cheese grater down and said,”That was the most violent book I’ve ever read.”.

[Fifth Columnist]

I think my wife sells drugs.
As I was leaving the phone rang.
When I answered it, the bloke on the other end said "Has that dope gone yet?"

[Fifth Columnist]

I was cuddling up to my girlfriend under the blanket on a cold winter night.
"My bum is freezing." she whinged.
"Let me check," I replied. "Wow, it's like Siberia!"
"Is it THAT cold?" she chuckled.
I said, "Nope, it's huge."

[Fifth Columnist]

I put my phone under my pillow last night.
When I woke up, it was gone, and there was a pound coin in its place.
Bloomin' Bluetooth fairy!

[gofish]

I recently put a strobe light in the bedroom. Now when I have sex with the wife it looks like she's moving.

[Toxic_Avenger]

I’m a virgin by choice.
Not my choice. Everybody else’s.

[jonesfam]

I was cuddling up to my girlfriend under the blanket on a cold winter night.
"My bum is freezing." she whinged.
"Let me check," I replied. "Wow, it's like Siberia!"
"Is it THAT cold?" she chuckled.
I said, "Nope, it's huge."


My staff, including SWMBO, & I were having smoko yesterday & I told this joke inserting SWMBO for the girlfriend.
Staff thought it was hilarious, SWMBO - not so much.

Now she is getting all antsy every time I call her Siberia??

I don't understand women!

Jonesfam

[Bigbjorn]

My staff, including SWMBO, & I were having smoko yesterday & I told this joke inserting SWMBO for the girlfriend.
Staff thought it was hilarious, SWMBO - not so much.

Now she is getting all antsy every time I call her Siberia??

I don't understand women!

Jonesfam

Like when you drop a good smelly fart in bed and pull the covers over her head so she can enjoy it. No sense of humour, wives.

[gofish]

http://movin925.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/his-her-diary.jpg

[gofish]

I get LGBT and BLT horribly confused. Had some interesting sandwiches though.

[carjunkieanon]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/

This is me and my wife at times but I'm wondering why my TD5 keeps losing power.

[Tins]

Can't help it

What do you call a bloke with no arms and no legs at your front door

Matt

I can't either

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your swimming pool?

Bob.


What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your swimming pool doing laps?

Cleverdick.

[Fifth Columnist]

I have written a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it.

[Shoogs]

133077

[67hardtop]

133077
Ive never laughed so hard for such a long time...thanks shoogs

Cheers Rod

[kenleyfred]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2017/12/348.jpg
https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2017/12/349.jpg

[Eevo]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with 3 young mothers and their children.


"You all have obsessions". he observed.


To the first mother he said, " You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."


He turned to the 2nd mom, "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name- Penny".


At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go..."

[Eevo]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,


when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.


'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'


'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'


The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5.00 ticket for a safety violation.


The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'


The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'


Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'


The little girl looked up at the cop and said:


'Next year tell Santa;


The ***** goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!

[Eevo]

Saw a chick at the bank get a loan for $100...but no sooner had she got the cash , she set fire to her contract...!


Apparently her name was Bernadette ...

[Eevo]

a bit british....


A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.


First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out of the water and bites him. To show the fish who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.


Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the Lions.


Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he gets attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two of the chimps with his spade, killing them both. 'Feed them to the lions.' He says to himself. So he hurls the corpses into the Lion enclosure.


He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the Lions cage.


Later that day a new Lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion
and says "Alright pal. What's the food like here?"


The Lion replies, "****ing brilliant mate, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

[superquag]

133077

. . . I was the guy standing behind her.
- Ward Sister tells me I'm ok to go home this afternoon.

[kenleyfred]

You might enjoy this one...

How many online forum group members does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
44 to ask what is a "FAQ".
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

[Xtreme]

You might enjoy this one...

How many online forum group members does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
44 to ask what is a "FAQ".
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

And that makes 3000 + forum members who need to get a life. :whistling:

[V8Ian]

You might enjoy this one...

How many online forum group members does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
44 to ask what is a "FAQ".
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....
You forgot the four who make political comments and half dozen who dodge the swear filter. [bigwhistle]

[67hardtop]

Its a light globe...[emoji12]

[Eevo]

where did you get the light globe from?
and will they do a group buy discount?

[DiscoMick]

That reminds me of the time I also changed a light bulb...

[scottvdw]

There's also the person who makes a comment on changing the lightbulb, but for some reason, thinks their post hasn't gone through, so posts exactly the same thing again.

Regards,
Scott

[scottvdw]

There's also the person who makes a comment on changing the lightbulb, but for some reason, thinks their post hasn't gone through, so posts exactly the same thing again..

Regards,
Scott

[jx2mad]

Who's bright idea was this joke!!

[Eevo]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2017/12/544.jpg

[VladTepes]

Anyone who can't change a light bulb must be a bit dim....

[jx2mad]

There was a tram conductor who tried to change a light bulb but he got an electric shock. I didn't kill him because he was a poor conductor.

[gavinwibrow]

There was a tram conductor who tried to change a light bulb but he got an electric shock. I didn't kill him because he was a poor conductor.

That's why you can't put them to death using an electric chair.

[kenleyfred]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2017/12/605.jpg

[kenleyfred]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2017/12/604.jpg

[Toxic_Avenger]

A man goes to the library and asks the librarian: “Do you have the book about small penises?”
“Ummm... *typing at the computer* It’s not in yet” says the librarian.
“Yes, That’s the one!”

[Xtreme]

I bought a new Ford F 150 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck from an Arizona dealer. Go figure, it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.

I returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.
‘Nelson', the technician said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again’ came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, ‘Beethoven', I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, ‘Beatles', I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'

Immediately the radio responded with, “Ladies and gentlemen, The President of the United States.”

Damn I love this truck...

[cuppabillytea]

A man goes to the library and asks the librarian: “Do you have the book about small penises?”
“Ummm... *typing at the computer* It’s not in yet” says the librarian.
“Yes, That’s the one!”
Not in yet hey? And the sequel about long penises has already been written but is "Not in so far.".

[V8Ian]

Isn't the plural penii?

[Eevo]

old classic

An Indian arrives in Adelaide as a new immigrant to the Australia. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Australian, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!" The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Lebanese." The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia." The person says, "I not Australian, I am Sudanese." The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful country Australia!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Syria. I am not Australian." He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Australian?" She says, "No, I am from New Zealand." Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Australians?"
The lady from New Zealand checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

[cuppabillytea]

Isn't the plural penii?

Yes it is, if you're speaking Latin, or you have more than one.

[V8Ian]

Yes it is, if you're speaking Latin, or you have more than one.
Not regularly, I know some that must have.

[jonesfam]

And the plural of platypus is?

[V8Ian]

More than one. [wink11] Platypodes.

[Eevo]

Ornithorhynchus anatinus'

[pop058]

Isn't the plural penii?

they only have 1 eye [biggrin]

[Fifth Columnist]

Have you heard the new number one: "Duvet Know it's Christmas"?


It's a cover version.

[Toxic_Avenger]

Being diphallic is an actual thing.
On a plus side your IQ would double.
But you'd make twice as many poor decisions [emoji23]

[cuppabillytea]

Not regularly, I know some that must have.

Nearly every one I work with. Funny,they don't brag about it.[bighmmm]

Merry Christmas by the way.

[cuppabillytea]

Being diphallic is an actual thing.
On a plus side your IQ would double.
But you'd make twice as many poor decisions [emoji23]

That would depend in whether they were thwart sips or for and aft.

[Tins]

Isn't the plural penii?

No. In fact it is penises or penes.

That second one is to remind you of what currency we had when it last worked.

[BMKal]

Well, I'm in the local hospital ................. again - 😣

Today was not a good day.

I decided to go horse riding today as I haven't been for a while. It turned out to be a big mistake!!! I got on the horse and it started out slowly, then it started to speed up; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't handle the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn't stop!

Finally the manager of Toys-R-Us came out and unplugged the machine. And then he had the nerve to take the rest of my small change so I wouldn't attempt to ride the elephant.


Merry Christmas everybody.

[Ancient Mariner]

That would depend in whether they were thwart sips or for and aft.
Is that sipping sideways?

[gofish]

The dyslexic agnostic imsomniac stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

[edddo]

oldie but still a goodie

[edddo]

That made me think of another oldie - for those that may not have heard it......

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman he ever saw boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,

"Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said,

"Business."

I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,

"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded.

"I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said.

"And what kind of myths are there?" "

"Well", she explained,

"One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said,

"I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."

"Tonto," the man said ,

"Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[123rover50]

Donald Trump and Obama somehow ended up in the same barber shop.
Each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it
would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his
chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying,

"No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been inside
a whorehouse all day."

The second barber turned to Trump and said, "How about you sir?"

Trump replied, "Go ahead--my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
whorehouse smells like."

[kenleyfred]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2017/12/703.jpg

[Fifth Columnist]

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly
contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (N.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (V.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (V.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (Adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (Adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door
in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (V.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (N.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (N.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a
steamroller.
10. Balderdash (N.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (N.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (N.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (N), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (N.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (N.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die,
your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (N.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[trog]

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly
contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (N.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (V.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (V.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (Adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (Adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door
in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (V.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (N.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (N.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a
steamroller.
10. Balderdash (N.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (N.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (N.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (N), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (N.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (N.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die,
your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (N.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
frisbeetarianism , I will subscribe to that

[tact]

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly
contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
[...]
16. Circumvent (N.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Still not a "religious" post - so don't go down that path in any follow ups.... [bigwhistle]

Infant circumcision has been a feature of Catholic (in my day), as well as Jewish religions and makes them the most optimistic people in the history of the world - cutting off an inch before knowing how long its going to grow!

[DiscoMick]

Frisbeetarianism - I like that.

[Toxic_Avenger]

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.

[cuppabillytea]

Usain bolt your arse.

[Disco-tastic]

What's red and sticky?

A stick painted red

[DeeJay]

I was going to visit Hawaii & asked my local Rabbi, who I knew lived there for a few years, whether it is pronounced Hawayee or Havaiee . He said Havaiee .
I said thanks & he said your velcome.

[Toxic_Avenger]

A man walks into a bar owned by Eminem.
He tells the bartender, "Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off, "Whoo up there buddy, you only get ONE shot."


And for those now au fait with eminem/ rap culture:

A young boy is riding his new bicycle on Christmas morning.
A mounted policeman trots up to the kid, stops him, and says
"Did you get that bike for Christmas, son?"
“Yes I did officer” repies the kid
"Well next year tell santa to give you a helmet too... " as he then hands the kid a $55 ticket.
The kid, a little dejected pipes up:
"Did santa give you that horse for Christmas, officer?"
Amused, the cop has an authoritative chucks and says "Yes, he did."
Then the kid continues "Well next year tell santa to put the dick below the horse and not on top."

[jonesfam]

Q: Is Google male or female?





Scroll down.












A: Female. You can't even finish a sentence before it makes a suggestion!

[Fifth Columnist]

Suffering here with a bad case of "Bacon Flu"

It started out as Swine Flu, but I think I may have been cured.

[Toxic_Avenger]

A Polish man goes to the motor registry to renew his license. The clerk sits him down and gives him an eye sight test.
The first line is displayed, which the man easily reads.
The second line is also a breeze.
Finally the clerk shows him the last line, with tiny little letters spelling 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the clerk asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy exclalims, 'I know the guy!'

[Fifth Columnist]

I just rang Alcohol Concern to tell them I was running drastically short of beer in my fridge.

They're quite rude, aren't they?

[Chenz]

Anyone who can't change a light bulb must be a bit dim....

How many social workers does it take to change a light globe?

One, but the light globe has to want to change

[Chenz]

Old Beryl is leaving the recreation room at he nursing home on her mobility scooter when know it all Fred jumps in front and says "I need to see your Driver License". Beryl looks in her handbag and pulls out yesterdays Bingo ticket and gives it to him "OK you can go now".
She no sooner gets going when old Norm jumps in front and says "I need to see the registration for that vehicle". Once again Beryl delves into her handbag and this time finds an old prescription for blood pressure pills. Norm has a look and says "OK off you go".
Off she goes again and as she rounds the corner there is Cyril with his old fella hanging out of pants. Beryl says


"Not the Breathalyzer again".

[jx2mad]

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping
for a bust. At closing time, as everyone come out he spotted his
potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He
stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for
his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally
found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He
started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally,
when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started
to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled
the man over. He administered the breathalyser test, and to his
great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!"
exclaimed the patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!!!"

[Toxic_Avenger]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles for a moment, gaining the strength to ask again, "Nurse... please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that the undue stress might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds him in one hand and gently inspects his testicles with the other.
She looks very closely and says, "Sir, there's nothing wrong with them, they look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"

[mekon76]

Why did the baker have brown fingers?

He kneaded a poo.

[Eevo]

He administered the breathalyser test, and to his
great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!"
exclaimed the patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!!!"



i've done that once. the officer was not impressed

[RANDLOVER]

On my 15th birthday my father made me throw away my teddy......
and all my other lingerie!

[Eevo]

A drunk was in line at the supermarket watching the lady in front put through her groceries.
2 litres of milk
500 grams of butter
A packet of cornflakes
packet of pasta
Jar of spaghetti sauce
He says to her "you're single aren't you?
She looks at her groceries and wonders how the hell he knows that from her purchase.
Curiosity gets the better of her and she replies " yes I am but how did you know"
the drunk replies" Cause your ugly"

[Eevo]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."


The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"


"Yes, Father, it is."


"And who was the girl you were with?"


"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."


"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"


"I cannot say."


"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"


"I'll never tell."


"Was it Nina Capelli?"


"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."


"Was it Cathy Piriano?"


"My lips are sealed."


"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"


"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."


The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."


Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"


"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[Eevo]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

[Eevo]

My Favorite exercise is a combination of lunge and crunch.


It's called lunch.......

[Eevo]

A computer programmer is asked to go to the store by his wife. "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen"


The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

[Eevo]

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”


Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.




Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons ?’”


Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage.


Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”


Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”


Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed ?
Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”


“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”


“Alright,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes ?”

[Eevo]

On the morning of the day after their wedding aniversary, Henry turned to his wife of 50 years and one day Martha and said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Martha, do you remember how we had our first breakfast together as man and wife?"
She answered with a shy smile,
"Yes, we had breakfast in the nude."
Henry then said,
"How about we do it again today?"
Martha replied,
"Oh Henry, what a saucy suggestion, but yes, okay let's do it."
Ten minutes later, as they are having breakfast together, in the nude, Henry notices Martha staring off into the distance with a dreamy look on her face.
He says to her,
"A penny for your thoughts, my dear."
Martha replies,
"Well, I was just thinking that my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."












Henry looks at her and says,










"I'm not surprised."












"One of them is in your coffee and the other one's in your bowl of porridge!"

[Eevo]

We've just come back from a holiday in Bali.
My wife didn't really enjoy it, because everyone could speak English and all the
food was like the stuff we eat back at home.
She said, "Next time, I want to go somewhere where they eat weird **** and you
can't understand a word they say."
So I've just booked us a fortnight in Queensland.

[Eevo]

I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate,




"I won't be in here long."




He replied,




"Well the judge did give you 6 years."




"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a f----- sentence before.

[Eevo]

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have
announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....

[Eevo]

Someone asked me recently what I did for a job,


I replied, "I am my wife's sexual adviser."


"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"


"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my ****ing advice, she'll ask me for it."

[Eevo]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."


The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"


"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.


"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"


The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know ****?"




And then she went back to reading her book.

[Eevo]

A man who lived in an apartment thought it might be raining, so he put his hand out the window to check for raindrops. As he did, a glass eye fell into his hand.


He stuck his head out the window to look up and see where the eye came from just in time to see a young woman looking down.


“Is this yours?” he asked.


She said, “Yes, could you bring it up?” and the man agreed.


The woman, who turned out to be very attractive, was very thankful and offered the man a drink. Naturally, he agreed.


Shortly afterward she said, “I’m about to have dinner. There’s plenty, would you like to join me?”


He readily accepted the offer, and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the woman said, “Ive had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?”


The man hesitated, then said, “Do you act like this with every man you meet?”


“No,” she replied, “only those who catch my eye."

[Eevo]

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

[Eevo]

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your bum is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your bum is bigger than the barbecue."


With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.


"Yes, I was right, your bum is 3 cm wider than the barbecue!!!!"


The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.


"What's wrong?" he asks.


She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-arsed barbie for one little snag?"

[Eevo]

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

[Eevo]

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old, It's shiny and in mint condition.


He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.


'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain", and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.


That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.


Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'


'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.


Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.


They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.


He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. Joe sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still....Total silence.


All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.


Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls out the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.


Suddenly the father shouts, 'I'll do the ****in' dishes!!'

[Eevo]

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.


I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.


I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.


The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.


And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.


As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”


Apparently, I’m still lost…

[Eevo]

If you see an apple store getting robbed
does that make you an iwitnesss

[Eevo]

A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely New Zealander. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear," Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[Eevo]

Two policemen call the station on their radio.
"Hello Sir we have a case here, A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

[Eevo]

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.


The lady goes to the chemist and gets some Nair" hair remover. At the till the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."


The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."


The pharmacist replied, "Well if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."


"I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."


"Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[Eevo]

Did you hear about the paper boy who got caught masturbating at work?
Its all over the news

[Eevo]

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.


The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.


So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.


I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.


I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.




After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... Some shopping, cleaning, and cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”


I told her to get another one from the cupboard.


She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”


Never going back to that doctor again……….. Never.

[Eevo]

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."


Well, Kenny the rooster costs \$3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.! So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.!


Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.


After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.


The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.


The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."


Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh .. they're getting closer."

[Eevo]

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"


She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

[Eevo]

what is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?












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Attire.

[Fifth Columnist]

Apart from the joke book, what else did you get for Christmas Eevo? [bigwhistle]

[Eevo]

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come
this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

[Eevo]

I just got arrested by a sky Marshall on my Qantas flight.
found out that masturbation isn't appreciated on airlanes.
Apparently they treat high jacking seriously.

[Eevo]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "what's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were '**** or drown'."

[Eevo]

A woman applies for a job in a lemon orchard in Country Queensland, but the HR manager is worried that she seems to be far too qualified for the job; given that she lists arts and education degrees from Melbourne University and her previous job history as a social worker and a teacher at the local TAFE college.


So the HR manager call the woman and says MS Jones, “ have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?


Ms Jones replies "Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"
"I've been divorced three times, owned a Ford station wagon, a Leyland P76,
supported Collingwood the last 14 years, voted for Julia Gillard and bought shares in Dick Smith."


We pay $17 an hour when can you start.

[Eevo]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."


Yes, she says, "I remember it well."


OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"


"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"


A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.


The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.


The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.


After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.


So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"


Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,


"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Eevo]

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Collingwood and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks her students to
raise their hands if they, too, are Collingwood fans.
Everyone in
the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Collingwood fan,” she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a
Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Carlton fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why are you a Carlton fan?" My mum and dad were born and raised in Carlton, so my mum is a Carlton fan and my dad is a Carlton fan, and so I'm a Carlton fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Carlton fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was in jail, your dad was a drug dealer and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan."

[Eevo]

What is Celibacy? Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.


While attending a Marriage Weekend,
my wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,


'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'


I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,
and whispered,




'Self-raising, isn't it?'


And thus began my life of celibacy..........

[Eevo]

A middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him. And he's right too. I have no desire at all."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks.
After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now."
"That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does your husband say now?"
"How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."

[Eevo]

One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something but after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry but one day Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?


Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.’


'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?’


'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?’


'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?


'Well, one day she filed ****ing charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court I pleaded 'guilty'.


'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.