Jokes

[Disco-tastic]

I don't tell dad jokes very often, but when I do, he laughs.

[jx2mad]

Channel 7 ran an article saying that hot chips are bad for your brain. All the local seagulls seem ok to me.

[ChookD2]

If you are being chased by a taxidermist. ..... Don't play dead.

[spudfan]

And I still do not have a mobile phone..[bigwhistle]

[4bee]

And I still do not have a mobile phone..[bigwhistle]

Still, in your situation the alternative must give you some degree of satisfaction Spud. When you do you must test it on vibrate. Works for me.[bigrolf]

[Tins]

I got caught smuggling a football through customs.


It was worth a try.


Northern state joke?

[Tins]

And I still do not have a mobile phone..[bigwhistle]

Too much information there, Spud.

[Tins]

How do you make God laugh?
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Tell her you've got a plan...

[ChookD2]

What's the hardest thing in the world to do?
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Milk Arrowroot Biscuits.

[d2dave]

I am the beginning of the end, the end of every place.
I am the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space.
What am I?
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The letter E

[Saitch]

Northern state joke?

Well, that wasn't my goal, but give me a point for trying. [wink11]

[Tins]

Well, that wasn't my goal, but give me a point for trying. [wink11]

Down 'ere they call that a behind.....

[BradC]

Shamelessly stolen from elsewhere, and very much an oldie :

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

[NavyDiver]

After Brads ripper- I did it myself- Shamelessly copied, pasted and edited for self glorification of fellow matlows [bigrolf]

A former Sailor in the Navy took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former sailor, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.Dead silence... The rest of the year went very smoothly !

[sashadidi]

185222

[sashadidi]

A oldie but a goodie

185223

[sashadidi]

185224

[sashadidi]

185225

[sashadidi]

185227

[spudfan]

1 and 2

[spudfan]

The difference between Donald Trump and me.
If Stormy Daniels had an affair with me I'd be telling every one about it [bigsmile]

[Xtreme]

With thanks to Westprints Friday Five .........

A policemanwas rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctorsoperated and advised him that all was well, however, the policeman kept feelingsomething pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried thatit might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, hefinally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could lookat what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmlyacross his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesivetape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on thetape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon, from thenurse in the Ford Focus you gave a speeding ticket to last week."

[d2dave]

Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandkids. Dolly said “Each year I send each of my grandkids a card with a generous cheque inside. I never get a thank you message from any of them”.

Ruby replies “I send my grandkids a generous cheque too. I hear from them within a week. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit”.

“Wow! How come?” remarked Dolly.

“Simple, I don’t sign the cheque!”

[Hogarthde]

Not really a joke, ..well I suppose it is, anyhow , many years ago a close friend who was a nurse asked me if I remembered Mr. So and So who had been our dentist, and was now in hospital.

I replied” That old bendsted, he was a bleeding butcher !” Yes that is him she said and let me say , other nurses recognised him too.

”So what happened?”

Lets just say what goes around ,comes around!

” Oh, cold water sponge bath?”

Bath? nah, that would be childish, we are very experienced nurses...... how does multiple enemas sound to you?

[NavyDiver]

Following the problems in the financial sector in the US, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.


My edit

Barkley's is broke, Westpac is in a suitcase, Nab- went to sleep. CBA is apparently a dyslexic spelling backward error and ANZ is front Middle and end of the alphabet confusion CBA started[bigrolf]

[NavyDiver]

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look a this Mercedes. Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? "Come on ova' here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten.

So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me isdoing basically da same work?"Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic."Try doing it with the engine running."

[V8Ian]

Morris had a similar conversation with the head of gynecology, who replied "Try doing it via the exhaust pipe. ".

[Tins]

Morris had a similar conversation with the head of gynecology, who replied "Try doing it via the exhaust pipe. ".

I'm sure he meant inlet, Ian.

[spudfan]

The Mrs had hung some washing on the clothes line, including some of her underwear. All I said was "Who owns the parachute?"

[d2dave]

The Mrs had hung some washing on the clothes line, including some of her underwear. All I said was "Who owns the parachute?"

And when you woke up in hospital you would be wondering how the hell you got there.

[Tins]

And when you woke up in hospital you would be wondering how the hell you got there.

Not by bailing out, presumably.

[RANDLOVER]

Q. When is it time to go to the dentist?

A. Two Thirty (pronounced Toothurty).

[Saitch]

Not really a joke to me really. [bawl]

185350

[sashadidi]

185455

[d2dave]

185455

Shows how important punctuation is. A coma or full stop after the word hand gives this a totally different meaning.

[discorevy]

Shows how important punctuation is. A ​coma or full stop after the word hand gives this a totally different meaning.

Absolutely, I'd say a few could even end up in a Coma after a visit to that kitchen......Grammar is also important[biggrin]

[discorevy]

2 well known Politicians decided to go on a rural campaign, so they thought they'd better look the part.
As well as dressing in The R.M. Williams gear they thought it would be best to acquire a cattle dog to complete the image.

After an hour in one of the 2 local pubs in a Rural town, they left, smugly thinking they had done well and gathered lots of votes.
One mentioned to the other that they should get to the other pub to "strike while the iron's hot".

While in the 2nd pub, they couldn't help but notice more than a few blokes walking up to the cattle dog, lifting its tail up, then walking off shaking their heads.

After 1/2 an hour of this they asked the Pubs owner ( Bill ) "what's the reason for people lifting the dogs tail etc".
Bill replied, "Well, Reg, who owns the pub you left a while back, phoned before you got here to say to pass a message to all to be on the lookout for a Cattle Dog with 2 A*$****S.

[NavyDiver]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

[NavyDiver]

Just follow my stock tips[thumbsupbig][thumbsupbig][thumbsupbig]

[sashadidi]

Seems to apply after a real busy day, the winter sickness season beings,....


185524

[NavyDiver]

Seems to apply after a real busy day, the winter sickness season beings,....


185524

Yep- fevers and chills here. Tap like nose and pounding head. Not Covid or flu A or B accounting to a different type of RAT. I do want to give it the ass as well [bigrolf]

Work is scared of me. RSV or .................................................. ................................. The list can be long

[sashadidi]

I think my neighbor is stalking me.

She's been Googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night.

[gofish]

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker......well, she's not actually my girlfriend.

[Saitch]

I received a bouquet with all the flowers cut off. I assumed it was from a stalker.

[Tins]

I received a bouquet with all the flowers cut off. I assumed it was from a stalker.

You need to nip that in the bud..

[sashadidi]

185622

[sashadidi]

185623

[gofish]

Mr Smith is in the waiting room of the local optometrist when he's called into the office. "Mr Smith, I need to speak to you about masturbation.".Mr Smith replies, "oh my god, is it sending me blind ?". "No, it's making the other patients very uncomfortable". [bigwhistle]

[p38arover]

Seen yesterday in a Peter Robinson DCI Banks novel:

Do you like long legs or short legs?

I like something in-between.

[V8Ian]

Seen yesterday in a Peter Robinson DCI Banks novel:

Do you like long legs or short legs?

I like something in-between.
Otherwise known as Goldilocks legs. [bigwhistle]

[Tins]

Otherwise known as Goldilocks legs. [bigwhistle]

What's porridge got to do with it?

[sashadidi]

185667

[POD]

185671

[NavyDiver]

A man walks into a bar.A man walks into a bar.

"What can I get you?" Asks the landlord

"I'll have a beer please"

The landlord pours him a beer and puts it in front of him.

"That's £3.50 please"

"Oh I'm not paying for it. You offered me a drink so I said I'll have a beer"

"Don't be ridiculous, this is a pub, of course you have to pay for it!"

"Well I disagree. Legally you asked if I wanted a drink, not that you were selling me one"

Another man at the bar chimes in:

"If I may gents, I'm a solicitor and unfortunately landlord, he is right you did offer him a drink and legally he doesn't have to pay for it"

The landlord is already fed-up with the guy so he says:

"Fine, but you can sup up and get out. You're barred and never getting served here again"

The man drinks his beer and with a nod he leaves the bar.

About 20 minutes later the man walks back into the bar.

The landlord is stunned and shouts:

"I TOLD YOU YOU'RE BARRED. GET OUT!"

"What do you mean? I've never been in here before"

"You were here about 20 minutes ago and tricked me out of a pint of beer!"

"Sorry I've no idea what you're talking about, I've never been here before"

"Well... you must have a double!"

"Lovely I'll have a whisky, and one for my solicitor here as well"

[NavyDiver]

I had 12 bottles of whisky...I had twelve bottles of whisky and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else there'd be hell to pay.

So, I said I would and proceeded with the sad task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass... which I drank.

I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with the exception of one glass... which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third sink and poured the bottle down the glass... which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine. To make sure I counted them again... they came to seventy-four.

And as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses and bottles and corks and sinks and glasses counted, except one house and one cork... which l drank.

[NavyDiver]

Two tourists from the Czech Republic are visiting New York.

At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help.

The caretaker asks him: "Which of these pythons ate your friend, the male or the female one?"

"That one! That one!", exclaims the Czech, pointing at the male snake, bloated with its stomach full. The caretaker runs up behind the satiated snake, cuts it open, and pulls out ... a feeder pig.

"Oh no, it must have been the other one", yells the tourist.

So the keeper cuts open the female snake, and sure enough, out comes the tourist.In the end, the tourist could be revived, and miraculously, both snakes managed to live through the events, but there's still a lesson to be learned here: Never trust someone who tells you the Czech is in the male.

[sashadidi]

He lived a good life.....

https://twitter.com/cctvidiots/status/1666785962926690304

[p38arover]

I had 12 bottles of whisky...[I had twelve bottles of whisky and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else there'd be hell to pay.


I'd have removed the plug from the S-bend and put a bucket underneath.

[sashadidi]

185699

[Saitch]

A crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face in his unit and barked at him immediately. “Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?” “John,” the new seaman replied. “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’" He gave him a threatening glare honed by years of experience. "Do I make myself clear?” “Aye, Aye, Master Chief!” “Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?” The seaman sighed. “Darling, my name is John Darling, Master Chief.”

“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do...”

[NavyDiver]

A drunk stumbles onto a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher...
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[NavyDiver]

185748

For Ian and all the helpful admins for all the complaints I make and those I create[biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

[4bee]

185748

For Ian and all the helpful admins for all the complaints I make and those I create[biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

Have never met Ian yet, but are you suggesting he is a Giver or a Taker?:Thump::Rolling:

[Tins]

Have never met Ian yet, but are you suggesting he is a Giver or a Taker?:Thump::Rolling:

Like the gorilla, Des. When you do meet him you'll agree he can be anything he wants.

[p38arover]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LfLaR7NyAU


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=up36KS0X6zI

[sashadidi]

185751

[sashadidi]

phew..

185777

[sashadidi]

185778

[gofish]

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aQpYNKim3BYCt5MavltIjBhY2INxemZTSRi4S/RDmeYrHZdQUk2LHhR1 9K b5pFHIsjAuiqQije7k839628QYhRFGoBdme5Ubux429qmw2SyS ukuKRY0jF0iXfcDYufalNyZLUVsE4PzExCSSD1vcqvRRbZR8Vr 4hwkkrpGTcAlmUD Zjf8ASwq9lOKEmIQ/ 3Id/e1EMos2ILdrmnoY1RyM2SXfTBxnlhKsIwpQEC42II4P5UrYnDT YiYyTMDci56KOoArqGeSDyzwfwoNkuVpKjlh1ABHxR0YvJNOk7 LGGzSKOEIn8q2H4UEw6KyySyDVbYA/1E81meZcI3CKxP5GvcdlskahNyLBj2o4i2Scpeov5ZmUUUYso1 keo7ml/P8UJLkC1GsiylJUbWx9JHFDc2wiLwfxNVI0xqVJos/8ATzMdDvA3DHUvz1FdAJrkOUSCPFRPfbWL/fauuq196zkjr4ptxA2dR29VueaWMa5N9NPmIhDqVNKOa5YyE9u lJ5INM63Eyx8Yuu5AIHNqkiy5pcLPt9KE/fkCvYcI8kgVBduD2G/N6e8FlSxwmIG oEMe5ItQqLD5U4/Au EIbYZHYggpQPxJlxjlEsf pbcb8g 1H8pjMEckL7aCdPwePzoFi5yDY/Q3BvcUq24zMOkZxplGGUStoEbI1iT2H3rSNpYm9JO33H3ovgUk a95kVV72uR2qHNHuNKje 54Fb nD5ONRlSPMsxWiU6rASDkcX5vRifGxjlh8bUpSKbWNgR9/wq3ho1Zd2sfYVp2Fy/iZoG/lBvSjj8e7OyouhQbaRtx1vR8xI17kg9hverWDgG94bH pqlhRdCxhsomc30m3c1bbJXUajYWozjcwdi0SkLYcigGIklN1Z r22FutV6zVSsevD2JDYLRcakkH606yDiuLZFmzxyW3IsSR30At b8q63l YriI1kjNweR1U7bGtExzG9HEFN9yaMYPFS4ZFb1aJL2Uk6SB1r o C8J4OIahECQL3f1WsPelhsb/iMUIiBoLFVWwsqgG1qzlrR3XyIT0kG/CWJhltIXVp9IBX kdlH70czuYrA5X6iulflth tceeSSCa6 l422Pe37GuiJjmxUUOJjBJjN5Yx1Atew7g7ijxv4FeXxuv5Lxi 1hpmjkAAs6qyOrDdTtf8AbeiOVSyBiV5t2vzRrNVSSWCWMKQ6t dgBuPTz8VN4dXTI49v3NOY3o83ycdT0wFmmKkI0sLfa1W8qzXy owtjyTcHv7GrueJqk dqu5ng4ljHoF9JNxtwDWuhbpJNuxVxuP8yQuxsORfa2kbUYwOc jEYdmP1KTe/YgWoVBg0dXLdLfne9DvDEYklaAEi6k/hWbdG2KEpReghhMYyl1XfUPttQvEysxIVWff Vdh/5cGnLCeFI1YNI5e38n0oPn r71PnUapotpVQLchQPtQuYzi4kq2c9TLJ7hhGRY33Zb7H5rqmV 4oSRqV6bEdiOaVlxUR2EiE9gw/vRnwuhCy3G3mG2/cA1LHY4uioPWrSRFbZlBHuL1sayqas0jaI0gVfpUAewtUgFZXh cDc7ULSRJS/ZVxWFjN3cAWFie4vff4rnuPij0MVkUr5klgCNhqGk 3NFvF/iNSPJiYbkamBFv9PvSHiH9QI3v1 KSyRTYv/KcXouY3GetbABrLc2626/evTNIeaHSOQdR5rxMYfmqQpkk5OwzDAX5P/O1EsDg1U3I3 L1RweMTa19 b2o0kyE7MLHpcUSMHZ6Si9hU6MGHcVUbAl2J1bdKhlwrJw21XR VlbOsHv5kex6/AoWE81LDZx9uKKLIb73 a0my/X64/S43I6H3FDQUZgOMa5NVrMEkD 58t96r4PHzQghGIBsatRXGIYEadSyXHwjVU0Dhr3FGNxbo7XnJ tA9v6D lcyyvadfc2/Havaypk9Oti9QLx7holJHqVmXVflQTYEd/en3/p/hAmCMoJLSaiewtcACsrKkB/l/8AJAw6o5QysdJS5T W5tcjtVzJszcSNbr/AH Kysp3D4eW5f8AdG2JxbNMCe4ohm2LbS3 m34msrK1E0/QVgpjo W/alvIJymYRkdXKn4saysrLIP8Twb481lxMrx6vLRTay8n3JqTHe HIuWu5/wAxJ/K9ZWUrM7GD0V8Vk0RkRdIAMgGwtte1dKy3LUw8YVL253PWsrK0 xl8r1FtuK1vWVlaizKeaYsxRlgL2HHFcpzPPZ8QSWkKrfZV2H 9ZWVjkFpgsVaC3X4rKylhGXpqYgRvW8eEWsrKhEWY8AhsauYbA rqA/avayiiCMWHgAHeptA7VlZWnwAyvLgkO9rGolw4UixrKygfpECc/QeZGwFj5cl/f G9LGN5B7isrKg5Dw/9k=

[Xtreme]

I feel bad for parents nowadays.
You have to be able to explain the birds & the bees......
The birds & the birds.....
The birds that used to be bees....
The bees that used to be birds....
The birds that look like bees....
Plus bees that look like birds but still got a stinger!!!

[Xtreme]

Today I learned that the average person consumes 9 alcoholic drinks a week.
.
.
.
.
.
Today I also learned that I am above average!

[Xtreme]

I hate when doctors ask questions like. Are you sexually active?
Depends on what you mean by "active".
There are plenty of "active' volcanos that haven't gone off in over 50 years.

[spudfan]

This was posted on Defender2
"So it turns out that scientists have found out how to weigh a rainbow.
Turns out it’s pretty light"
And this was my reply to it
"When my wife saw the above she put on a multi coloured top and stood on the weighing scales....it didn't work."

[spudfan]

This was posted on Defender2

[sashadidi]

185881

[gofish]

What's the difference between pink & purple ?......................................grip [bigwhistle]

[sashadidi]

185917

[sashadidi]

185918

[4bee]

185881


That'll be the new improved super-quiet Turbo Fan.

[spudfan]

Forewarned..

[Tins]

Forewarned..

At least he was honest....

[sashadidi]

186031

[sashadidi]

A very truthful style of travel program....

https://twitter.com/MrMichaelSpicer/status/1634530311756210179

[d2dave]

I wish people wouldn't post stuff from twitter as I can't view it and I'm sure many others can't as well

[sashadidi]

I wish people wouldn't post stuff from twitter as I can't view it and I'm sure many others can't as well
I can open it easily from the actual page,sometimes it can be the browser you use,just copy the link and open in
In another browser, it's got worse since Musk sacked all the staff

It's now on you tube.

https://youtu.be/WjnmzljtREk

[101RRS]

I can open it easily from the actual page,sometimes it can be the browser you use,just copy the link and open in
In another browser, it's got worse since Musk sacked all the staff


Nope doesn't work in any browser or in new tabs - you have to sign up to twitter to view - looked at the youtube vid but fail to see what the excitement is.

[sashadidi]

Oh dear so sorry.

but I fervently hope I will be able to post something more to your specific taste in the future so you can see the excitement.

[101RRS]

Oh dear so sorry.

but I fervently hope I will be able to post something more to your specific taste in the future so you can see the excitement.

Yes please [thumbsupbig]

[sashadidi]

186083

[spudfan]

Short lived ecstasy...
You get a text message saying "I am leaving you, your long suffering wife"
Then a few minutes later you get this text message,
"Sorry, wrong number."
.......
Woman. "Fancy going out tonight?"
Man "I don't date married women"
Woman "But I am your wife"
Man "Sorry , no exceptions,"

[sashadidi]

186213

[Saitch]

186231

[gavinwibrow]

186231


So, how many do you need for a "murder of crows"?

[Saitch]

So, how many do you need for a "murder of crows"?

I reckon three, as you'd need a witness.

[V8Ian]

I reckon three, as you'd need a witness.
You had an opportunity, but Henry saw them off. [biggrin]

[superquag]

Nope doesn't work in any browser or in new tabs - you have to sign up to twitter to view - looked at the youtube vid but fail to see what the excitement is.

Exactly ... ! [bigwhistle]

[NavyDiver]

Chief Wine Taster.
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass of wine to taste.
The old Chief tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The old Navy Chief tried it.


"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."https://fonts.gstatic.com/s/e/notoemoji/15.0/263a/72.png

[RANDLOVER]

A body builder is someone who has thought to themselves, "I wonder what I'd look like inside out".

[NavyDiver]

By the time a Navy pilot pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Marine pilot," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."


"No problem," the tired Navy pilot assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Navy Pilot came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better."

The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Navy pilot. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.


"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' ...and he sat up all night watching me."

[sashadidi]

As its wintertime this may come in handy in domestic situations...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6keUdzwFCHU

[V8Ian]

186485

[spudfan]

My wife is like the Universe, she keeps on expanding[bigwhistle]

[4bee]

My wife is like the Universe, she keeps on expanding[bigwhistle]



By Jesus Spud, one day she will creep up on you & you'll be dead meat.:bat::Rolling:

[4bee]

186485


More your Pancake I would expect.[biggrin]

[RANDLOVER]

My wife is like the Universe, she keeps on expanding[bigwhistle]

And each day you love her even more, as there is even more to love.

[4bee]

And each day you love her even more, as there is even more to love.

That may be so, but one day Spud is going to be the Late spud & 'er indoors will be up on a charge of Manslaughter by" Incessantly Taking the **** out of Indoors." Or summat.

:Rolling:

[spudfan]

And each day you love her even more, as there is even more to love.
My arms would need to expand too....

[RANDLOVER]

That may be so, but one day Spud is going to be the Late spud & 'er indoors will be up on a charge of Manslaughter by" Incessantly Taking the **** out of Indoors." Or summat.

:Rolling:


My arms would need to expand too....

Spud seems to like to live dangerously.

[austastar]

My arms would need to expand too....No,
Use a piece of chalk to mark the hugged bits as you work around.

Hoagy Carmichael - Huggin' and Chalkin' - YouTube (https://youtu.be/n4fJVqWmWd0)

Cheers

[4bee]

No,
Use a piece of chalk to mark the hugged bits as you work around.

Hoagy Carmichael - Huggin' and Chalkin' - YouTube (https://youtu.be/n4fJVqWmWd0)

Cheers


But but but, if he is like me, he has only a 10m Measuring tape,
so it may be stretching it a bit. I guess he could estimate the rest after he runs out of tape.


Soz spudfan.[biggrin][bighmmm]
:Rolling:

[sashadidi]

In the good old USA [bigsmile1]

186529

[4bee]

In the good old USA [bigsmile1]

186529
My youngest bruv was admitted to one of Aelaide's latest hospitals 2 days he was in & the room & care was $5,800 for two nights. FFS!



They couldn't get his Sodium up & he was conking out. It was 'er indoors that discovered that other meds were causing that (Anti Depressants)

She asked my SinL to ask the doctors about this & he was taken off them & was a hell of a lot better days after. She isn't a qualified nurse but has always been interested in Nursing & was once, before we were married, a member of RAANC (Army Nurse) & gave it up when we married. I still say today she would have been a wonderful Senior Nurse of some rank had she stayed in.

Life moves on so that is all behind us now.

[sashadidi]

Glad he is ok would have thought they would've have looked for that? Maybe they didn't get a full history? At first?
Well done to her.

[superquag]

My wife is like the Universe, she keeps on expanding[bigwhistle]

Mine is a great investment.... Capital Gains ever growing...[bigsad]

[4bee]

Glad he is ok would have thought they would've have looked for that? Maybe they didn't get a full history? At first?
Well done to her.

Thanks Sash. I believe they did, but someone was asleep at the wheel I believe, but as soon it was brought to their attention it was immediately discontinued.


He is doing fine now after an extended Stay in hosp. As for "her"[smilebigeye] she can never wait for me to get crook or injure myself when out comes a First Aid Kit.

I dread to think of her reaction if /when I really do myself some real damage.

[Tins]

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."


The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'


The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."


The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.


A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."


The next day the grandmother died.


"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."


Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."


He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.


He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.


When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"


He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."


She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting”.

[4bee]

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."


The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'


The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."


The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.


A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."


The next day the grandmother died.


"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."


Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."


He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.


He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.


When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"


He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."


She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting”.


The truth will always out.[bigrolf]

[RANDLOVER]

There are 17 Land Rovers in my Top 5 Land Rovers.

[V8Ian]

186599

[NavyDiver]

186647

[windsock]

186647

That listening thing is a particular skill set I am told with some authority, I do not possess... :whistling:

[sashadidi]

An oldie but a goodie..
And from personal experience something you don't tell in french at your celebration at passing advanced french at the local branch of the Alliance Francaise......

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich

[NavyDiver]

My friends got a new house, and I paid for them to get underfloor heating.
It was a house warming gift.

[4bee]

My friends got a new house, and I paid for them to get underfloor heating.
It was a house warming gift.


I reckon they'd appreciate that more than setting fire to their joint as an alternative.[bigrolf]

[4bee]

An oldie but a goodie..
And from personal experience something you don't tell in french at your celebration at passing advanced french at the local branch of the Alliance Francaise......

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich



That reminds me of the other olde one.

Bloke goes into a Lunch Shoppe........ Spell it.

"FUNEM? SVFM. FUNEX? SVFX. MNX42"

[austastar]

Good one Ronnies

[RANDLOVER]

Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up this morning my pillow was missing.

[jx2mad]

(Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up this morning my pillow was missing.)




You are stuffed!

[gofish]

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, "What'll ya have?" The rabbit answers, "I have no idea. I wouldn't even be here except for autocorrect."

[4bee]

Last night I dreamt I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up this morning my pillow was missing.

You were the last of the pillow biters? [bigrolf]

[NavyDiver]

Was at the pub last night. A guy there said he was a 1980s pop star! I did not believe him - He was AdamAnt about it[biggrin]

[Tins]

186759

[gofish]

I was talking with a friend the other day about cars. He said, "I'm a vet & when I drive I drive like an animal". I replied, "there must be a lot of gynecologists on the road then". [bigwhistle]

[gofish]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is no longer with us," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes. turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, the duck is no longer with us."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$830?" she cried,"$830 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been $30, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $830."

[gofish]

My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.

[gofish]

I asked my Kiwi mate how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting but he fell asleep.

[gofish]

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ****ed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[RANDLOVER]

I'm going to make like a cow pat and hit the road.

[123rover50]

https://res.6chcdn.feednews.com/assets/v2/c525892dc8b327f92f8a316c14533ed7?quality=uhq&resize=720

[BradC]

Shamelessly stolen from elsewhere :

An ex navy stoker with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large Engineering firm when he left the navy.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the killick reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"
"Womanising? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a Chemist shop, winking, and asked for aspirin?"......

[RANDLOVER]

Recently I got bitten by a wolf, so I went to the doctor, and he asked "Where?" and I said "No, just the normal kind".

[Tins]

186865

[NavyDiver]

For the first time in its history, a QANTAS departure left early

[bigwhistle][bigwhistle][bigwhistle][bigwhistle][bigwhistle]

[4bee]

For the first time in its history, a QANTAS departure left early

[bigwhistle][bigwhistle][bigwhistle][bigwhistle][bigwhistle]


[bigrolf]
But 2 months early is a bit odd, maybe.

[NavyDiver]

[bigrolf]
But 2 months early is a bit odd, maybe.

Shhh Des. It would be political or current 'airs' if we make this FLY [biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

[4bee]

Shhh Des. It would be political or current 'airs' if we make this FLY [biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

Oh dear. We'd better not then. [bighmmm]


About time someone was brought to heel.

[NavyDiver]

Oh dear. We'd better not then. [bighmmm]


About time someone was brought to heel.

Do you mean GROUNDED Des[bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf]

[4bee]

Do you mean GROUNDED Des[bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf]

That is one word for it but there are plenty of others.:rulez:

[cripesamighty]

I have several friends who are pilots, and they have many, many names for, in their words, the poison dwarf...

[4bee]

I have several friends who are pilots, and they have many, many names for, in their words, the poison dwarf...


Women in general are becoming more involved at the top to run these companies so why not?
This one would have been aware of the over booking of unavailable flights for yonks so whether pressure was put on her to obey the dwarf who knows?

I wish her well in her new endeavour.

[ChookD2]

The leprechaun took his pot of gold and left. :bat: Sorry not a joke.

Back on topic....

What is red and smells like blue paint??












Red paint. [biggrin]

[sashadidi]

Snoring every second....

https://twitter.com/NoContextHumans/status/1699698295747035161's=20

[d2dave]

I slipped and fell at the library. I then realised that I was in the non friction area.

[RANDLOVER]

I slipped and fell at the library. I then realised that I was in the non friction area.

I bet Health and Safety threw the book at them.

[sashadidi]

186937

[V8Ian]

186941

[RANDLOVER]

The older I get, the better I was.

[Saitch]

...186973

[Tins]

...186973

Groan.....

[ChookD2]

What's a cheap circumcision called?









A rip off.

[bigrolf][bigwhistle]

[austastar]

Did he get the sack?
Cheers

[Tins]

Did he get the sack?
Cheers

:no2::no2:

[RHS58]

What's a cheap circumcision called?









A rip off.

[bigrolf][bigwhistle]

Also could be a tip off.

[gofish]

I wonder if it is rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

[gofish]

An Indian tracker is teaching his son the family trade.

After a day of analyzing prints and tracks, the old man laid his head down on the plain. After a moment, he said “Buffalo come.”

The son excitedly asked “How can you tell? Can you hear the hoof beats?”

“No” he replied. “Ear sticky.”

[RANDLOVER]

In geology the highest form of flattery is a plateau.

[gofish]

NASA has just released a new theory on the cause of Mars changing from warm and wet to cold and dry. It got married.

[gofish]

Went to the supermarket this morning and watched a guy purchase a piñata, some paella and a sombrero.

I thought to myself... Hispanic buying.

[gofish]

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mum only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/img/renderTimingPixel.png

Why?...because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

[sashadidi]

Bank robbery..


https://x.com/JamesAHogg2/status/1705492331460219002's=20

[Tins]

187054

[sashadidi]

187126

[sashadidi]

Airport pickup....

https://twitter.com/InternetH0F/status/1707072870604554710

[V8Ian]

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.
The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.
The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"
The Scotsman says to the Englishman:
"Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."
He says to the baker,
"Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie... "
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your famous magic trick?"
The Scotsman says:
"Look in the Englishman's pocket!"

[V8Ian]

A man went into a Frankston supermarket asking to buy half a cauliflower.
The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.

The man persisted, and asked to see the manager; so the assistant went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, unaware that the customer was following him, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."

As he finished his sentence, he turned and was horrified to find the customer now standing right behind him so, quick as a flash, he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the assistant "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?" "Pentith, sir," the boy replied. “Why did you leave Penrith?" the manager asked.

“Sir, there's absolutely nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players,” the boy replied.

"Really?" said the manager, "My wife is from Penrith."

"Are you kidding!?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"

[NavyDiver]

I got a part time job making plastic Draculas.

It's great but there are only two of us, so I have to make every second count.

[sashadidi]

This describes the health system with regards front line verus bureaucracy perfectly

187377 l

[sashadidi]

187378

[sashadidi]

187492

[sashadidi]

187506

[sashadidi]

187507

[3toes]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20231028/9a618bf80d35201aa5855833f9a992c5.jpg

[cuppabillytea]

That's just about tight enough.

[scottvdw]

The rule of thumb is to tighten it up until it strips and then back it off half a turn......

[4bee]

The rule of thumb is to tighten it up until it strips and then back it off half a turn......


That is why mine always comes loose. I was taught to tighten until it snaps. Backing off 1/2 turn doesn't help.


Seriously though, before loosening a bolt or screw, give it a slight turn tighter then back off. Works for me every time.

[Tins]

Seriously though, before loosening a bolt or screw, give it a slight turn tighter then back off. Works for me every time.

It's a good plan. However, try it on a D2 front hub nut[bigsad]

[4bee]

It's a good plan. However, try it on a D2 front hub nut[bigsad]

No ta, I have never aspired to a D2 therefore I won't be trying that. Maybe a decent HD rattle gun might just do it.

[Tins]

No ta, I have never aspired to a D2 therefore I won't be trying that. Maybe a decent HD rattle gun might just do it.

Yep. My Milwaukee 18v 3/4 inch jobbie makes short work of it.

[4bee]

Yep. My Milwaukee 18v 3/4 inch jobbie makes short work of it.


Bloody Hell John, I didn't expect you to take my advice so quickly. [bigrolf][bigrolf]

[Tins]

Bloody Hell John, I didn't expect you to take my advice so quickly. [bigrolf][bigrolf]

It was quite topical, as it 'appens.

[Tins]

187599

[Saitch]

We picked up a rescue dog, who was an old guard dog at a machinery shop. As soon as we got it home, it made a bolt for the door.

[4bee]

187599


Problem Solvered. [bigrolf]

[NavyDiver]

Did you hear about the two men who snorted curry powder instead
of cocaine?
One of them has a dodgy tikka and the other is in a korma.

[NavyDiver]

"A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:

"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. . Help me Master!"

His frowning master gives him an anecdote.

"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs while the sun sets, with no apparent purpose to them?"

"Yes Master"

"And have you seen the moon reflect upon the still surface of the lake, a mere reflection, and contemplate the meaning of it?"

"Yes Master"

"And have you seen the flocks of birds flying across the sky at sunset, and wonder about their purpose in life?"

"Yes Master"

"That's your problem! You keep looking at useless **** instead of practicing!""
Running is my silly gig. Failed for my first time- Madona!? 24 km of the Melbourne Marathon. Calling a 1/2 plus 3! More practice needed for this black Duck as well :)

[Tins]

****ing is my silly gig. Failed for my first time- Madona!? 24 km of the Melbourne Marathon. Calling a 1/2 plus 3! More practice needed for this black Duck as well :)

I've applied the swear filter manually.

[cuppabillytea]

I've applied the swear filter manually.
Thanks John. I was most offended by that post. Still he could have used the "C" word.:woot:

[sashadidi]

I think I have been here.....

[bigsmile1]


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8JAYFMHmBo

[sashadidi]

187695

[cuppabillytea]

He's had a virus that's made him emu to critical thinking.

[spudfan]

11

[sashadidi]

trojan horse attack...

187726

[sashadidi]

How to BBQ in style


https://twitter.com/Havoc_Six/status/1723068390242144360's=20

[NavyDiver]

It was in an ordinary classroom in an ordinary suburb where a teacher was reading the story of the 3 little pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building material for his home.

She read, “. . . And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may i have some of that straw to build a house?’”

The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?”

One little boy raised his hand and said, “ I think he said, ‘HOLY ****! A TALKING PIG!?!’”

[sashadidi]

on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

[4bee]

on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a succe done'ss, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…



Best of luck, Robby. Err soz, Robber.

I wonder whether you are the bloke that used a transparent ski mask & got done? [bigrolf]

[sashadidi]

187744

[sashadidi]

Best of luck, Robby. Err soz, Robber.

I wonder whether you are the bloke that used a transparent ski mask & got done? [bigrolf]

Nah, this is how I got caught..


187745

[4bee]

Nah, this is how I got caught..


187745 A couple of good ones Si.

[bigrolf][bigrolf]

[Tins]

Best of luck, Robby. Err soz, Robber.

I wonder whether you are the bloke that used a transparent ski mask & got done? [bigrolf]

More like this? (https://www.hustleescape.com/dunning-kruger-effect/)

[NavyDiver]

A doctor says grimly to a patient, "You are a very sick man. You've been diagnosed with covid, monkey pox, swine flu, Ebola, and bubonic plague all at the same time."

"Is there anything that can be done to help me?" asks the patient.

"Amazingly, there is though it may be touch and go," says the doctor nervously. "First, we'll put you in a private room where you'll have everything you need to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible. Next, we'll put you on a diet of pancakes, ultra flat pizza and flounder."

"Okay..." says the patient, "But why pancakes, pizza and flounder?"

"Because," the doctor says, "That's the only food we can push under your door!"

[cuppabillytea]

Should just put him on a cruise ship with the rest of his cohort.

[sashadidi]

187749

[sashadidi]

187750

[NavyDiver]

double post
Lets do it again time?

(1) Britney Spears - Oops!...I Did It Again (Official HD Video) - YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CduA0TULnow)

[4bee]

187749


Even at 74 he is still ahead of the game. Age produces Cunning while all around you are still taking the ****.[bigrolf][bigrolf]

[spudfan]

Delivery driver. "I am sorry, Mrs but I have just run over one of your hens."
Woman. "Don't worry about it."
Delivery driver "Your husband was holding it at the time."

[Tins]

Even at 74 he is still ahead of the game. Age produces Cunning while all around you are still taking the ****.[bigrolf][bigrolf]

Sorry Des, but I don't think yours will work....

187763

[4bee]

Sorry Des, but I don't think yours will work....

187763

The olde Fellah would have trouble with that holding it up to his eye, but if he was a Leg Man he probably wouldn't bother, I wouldn't, I would be far too busy doing summat else.:Thump::Rolling:

[cuppabillytea]

Sorry Des, but I don't think yours will work....

187763
Yes it would. I for one would be terrified of a directed energy weapon that size.

[Tins]

187791

[Disco-tastic]

My boss arrived to work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said "Wow! That's an amazing car!"

He replied "If you work hard, put all your hours in and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year"

[spudfan]

A knock came to the door. When I opened the door I saw a man standing beside a woman seated on a donkey.
"Hello" said the man "Sorry to disturb you. My name is Joseph. This is my wife, Mary, who as you can see is pregnant. We need somewhere to stay. Any chance you could put us up for the night? "
"No bother" I said "Come on in."
Well they came in. When Joseph saw the house he said "Do you know if there is an AIR B and B stable nearby?"

[spudfan]

As funny today as it ever was....ask those trying to get Pumas with the dodgy welds attended to.

[4bee]

A knock came to the door. When I opened the door I saw a man standing beside a woman seated on a donkey.
"Hello" said the man "Sorry to disturb you. My name is Joseph. This is my wife, Mary, who as you can see is pregnant. We need somewhere to stay. Any chance you could put us up for the night? "
"No bother" I said "Come on in."
Well they came in. When Joseph saw the house he said "Do you know if there is an AIR B and B stable nearby?"

Thanks Spud but not sure how one takes that .(a)

Your house was a dump so he didn't want to stay & the Air b&b was better & thought that's noice.

( b) It is so noice that he wanted to stay much longer & find lodgings for his ass.


Maybe it is me? PS I don't normally need to question your Jokes but this one tricked me. Apologies.[bigrolf]

[cuppabillytea]

Thanks Spud but not sure how one takes that .(a)

Your house was a dump so he didn't want to stay & the Air b&b was better & thought that's noice.

( b) It is so noice that he wanted to stay much longer & find lodgings for his ass.


Maybe it is me? PS I don't normally need to investigate your Jokes but this one tricked me. Apologies.[bigrolf]
It's only my experience and I don't have any rich Irish rellos but Irish homes can be a bit pokey. One rello's house even has a rammed earth floor. On the other hand B&Bs can be quite luxurious.

[4bee]

It's only my experience and I don't have any rich Irish rellos but Irish homes can be a bit pokey. One rello's house even has a rammed earth floor. On the other hand B&Bs can be quite luxurious.



I guess one had to be there?[bighmmm] [smilebigeye]

[Xtreme]

According to ...........

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road, or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Nicolaus Copernicus: The chicken was moving at a slightly different orbital speed around the sun.

Barack Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

Dr Phil: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on that side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

Oprah: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road.

Martha Stewart: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Darth Vader: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking all over the place anyway?"

Dr Suess: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

[stuarth44]

was not a joke to me but thought my d4 had faulty locks, I'd lock it then try the doors and they were not locked, never knew abt the smart key

Wee poem for you, by me
There was an old lady 92 to do let a faart and off it flu over the hills and over the plains into a butcher's window pane
The butcher got a rusty gun and shot that faart and off it run over the hills and over the plain
That faart went rolling down the street and knocked a copper off his feet
The copper went to tell the king the king came out and the faartt went in
There he took a slug of gin and took the king's Ferrari for a spin
Over the hills and over the plains till he found that ladies dress again

[Tins]

According to ...........

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road, or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Nicolaus Copernicus: The chicken was moving at a slightly different orbital speed around the sun.

Barack Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

Dr Phil: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on that side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

Oprah: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road.

Martha Stewart: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Darth Vader: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking all over the place anyway?"

Dr Suess: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

Terry Pratchett: Based on a true story about the survivors of a lorry crash involving a farm wagon full of poultry, which not only escaped death but established a thriving colony on the central reservation of a US interstate highway (ie, free from all predators), this tale even offers an existential answer to the question of why the chickens sought to cross the road. Accelerated evolution has something to do with it.

From "A Blink of the Screen"

[spudfan]

Thanks Spud but not sure how one takes that .(a)

Your house was a dump so he didn't want to stay & the Air b&b was better & thought that's noice.

( b) It is so noice that he wanted to stay much longer & find lodgings for his ass.


Maybe it is me? PS I don't normally need to question your Jokes but this one tricked me. Apologies.[bigrolf]

It was just meant to be funny....

[cuppabillytea]

According to ...........

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road, or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Nicolaus Copernicus: The chicken was moving at a slightly different orbital speed around the sun.

Barack Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

Dr Phil: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on that side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

Oprah: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road.

Martha Stewart: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Darth Vader: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking all over the place anyway?"

Dr Suess: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
Why are so many people perplexed by this question, when it's so patently obvious there was a Coupe parked there?

[4bee]

It was just meant to be funny....


FUNNY? Ok I GET IT I was just waiting for a mention of your missus to crop up is all. Don't tell me she has at last seen your "secret" posts & now has you handcuffed to a kitchen chair in front of the oven & just about to push your head in?
[bigrolf]


"Those who play with fire etc, etc & so forth.:BigCry::Rolling:

[BradC]

Stolen from elsewhere :
I have a mate who is is still on the land farming, he breeds cattle. Recently he spent $6,500 on a registered Black Angus bull.
He put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. He was beginning to think that he had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway...... he had the Vet come and take a look at him. The vet said that the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave my mate some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all the cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of the neighbour's cows! He's like a machine!
I asked him what it was that the vet prescribed, he said that he didn't know what was in the pills... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[spudfan]

SURGERY GONE WRONG

[spudfan]

This is NOT my mrs...

[V8Ian]

I think he doth protest too much. [tonguewink]

With apologies to Billy.

[DieselDan]

Our youngest dog has just been de-nutted and is more upset about the cone of shame than anything else!https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20231130/3c4960b49d5298ebeddc762fee579302.jpg

[scarry]

And this

https://www1.picturepush.com/photo/a/16690494/640/16690494.jpg (https://picturepush.com/public/16690494)

[scarry]

https://www1.picturepush.com/photo/a/16690495/640/16690495.jpg (https://picturepush.com/public/16690495)

[cuppabillytea]

I think he doth protest too much. [tonguewink]

With apologies to Billy. ?

[V8Ian]

Hamlet, get with the plan, Billy. :tease:

[V8Ian]

This is NOT my mrs...


I think he doth protest too much. [tonguewink]

With apologies to Billy.
Any help?

[cuppabillytea]

Any help?
Oh that Billy. So I haven't been slighted after all.[bigrolf]

[V8Ian]

Oh that Billy. So I haven't been slighted after all.[bigrolf]
Not yet, give it time. [biggrin]

[cuppabillytea]

Not yet, give it time. [biggrin]
I know, I know. Shouldn't be too long before 4Bee and Tins catch up:zzz:

[spudfan]

Nice of her to let him know..

[sashadidi]

an oldie but a good one


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fbvj1yhNgbE

[sashadidi]

Its that time of year to write reports for funding etc so I have been looking for inspiration...

I get inspiration here: Corporate B.S. Generator (https://www.atrixnet.com/bs-generator.html)

and there used to be a medical bs generator but its dissappeared sadly
but I was inspired by this....


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