Jokes

[Xtreme]

Technically, Moses was the first person with a tablet to download data from the cloud.

[sashadidi]

Robbery Kazakhstan style...
Hide in a chest freezer to rob the place after hours and instead get shipped out by the store......



https://mobile.twitter.com/taxfreelt/status/1577388916952379393

[Xtreme]

I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the I-phone,
And the resident Tech Expert is asleep.

Because he's 5.

And it's past his bedtime.

[350RRC]

I reckon she's ****ed off about the two patches of ****ty oil.

How is she going to clean that up before the Vicar calls for Afternoon Tea?[bigrolf]:bat:


Ah, I know, spray it with de-greaser & hose it off like the instructions say. Job done. :Rolling:

Nah...........take the mat down to the local laundromat and do it there with some kero with the powder. [biggrin]

DL

[V8Ian]

Just turn the mat over, geez you blokes make hard work out of a simple job!

[sashadidi]

I always knew Australia was a dangerous place...[bigsmile1]
181258

[Chenz]

https://scontent.fsyd8-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/264098390_437333214429968_3141724404269354950_n.jp g?_nc_cat=110&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=2c4854&_nc_ohc=IH2cy3ivbAYAX9tDIig&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd8-1.fna&oh=00_AT8h3X6ckcH4Bu15uTnudNl03RgF7CzQyL0PyEfNCX7i Zg&oe=634514DF

[350RRC]

I always knew Australia was a dangerous place...[bigsmile1]
181258

In Australia when a drunk, wild pig fights with a cow it's just called foreplay.

DL

[sashadidi]

How to keep your drinks safe...
Some good ideas here...

https://mobile.twitter.com/fun4laugh/status/1578754182252703744

[sashadidi]

181286

[NavyDiver]

181310

[NavyDiver]

Its a new Barking Black[bigwhistle]

181316

[Ronski]

Technically, Moses was the first person with a tablet to download data from the cloud.


Actually, Moses was the first drug dealer, He came down from the mountain with 2 tablets and they made him a prophet.

[Dorian]

Water is heavier than Butane

Because Butane is a lighter fluid.

[cuppabillytea]

Going by your last 3000 posts, I had a feeling that was your newspaper of choice.
Now that's dedicated readership for you.

[RANDLOVER]

Now that's dedicated readership for you.

Speaking of reading, I got bored and started to read a telephone book once, not much of a story, but lots of characters.

[superquag]

"...Last edited by RANDLOVER; 16th October 2022 at 07:37 PM. Reason: korekshun..."


....... It's "Karekshin..." [bigsad][biggrin][bigrolf]

[RANDLOVER]

"...Last edited by RANDLOVER; 16th October 2022 at 07:37 PM. Reason: korekshun..."


....... It's "Karekshin..." [bigsad][biggrin][bigrolf]

I'm not sure that is krekt.

[4bee]

Its a new Barking Black[bigwhistle]



181316



Both Species Crap black logs on my lawn.[bigrolf]

[Saitch]

...
181415

[4bee]

...
181415


Some body has spent far too long in the bush.:Rolling:

[sashadidi]

181437

[350RRC]

181437

Recycling without using the keg! Lower labour costs with no double handling!

The world makes real progress, DL [bigwhistle][bighmmm][thumbsupbig]

[RANDLOVER]

I've gone back to riding my unicycle, as riding my bicycle was making me too tired........(if you don't find that funny try saying it instead of reading it)

[Dorian]

Scientists in the UK have been trying to determine the nature of light.
In an effort to advance their research they have been attempting to weigh a rainbow.
So far they have determined that they are pretty light.

[RANDLOVER]

The only make of vehicles wildlife parks buy are...."Zoobaru".

[NavyDiver]

181514

[3toes]

But Germany is building green coal fired power stations to replace the bad nuclear ones they are closing down

[NavyDiver]

But Germany is building green coal fired power stations to replace the bad nuclear ones they are closing down



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlMoDUBIg00

Ok it is [biggrin]

[spudfan]

But Germany is building green coal fired power stations to replace the bad nuclear ones they are closing down
And over here they are pushing solar panels. Made in China, transported over here and they cannot be recycled. China is building more power stations to cope with her increased industrial output. More coal burning power stations not to mention the millions of used tyres they burn to produce power to produce stuff to make people feel good that they are doing their bit for the planet.
Yep heads in the sand as far as the ankles me thinks...

[3toes]

The EU had a 50% tariff on imported solar panels for a decade. This was due to pressure from local companies so they could build production and scale to compete. They were removed as after a decade no local company had filled the gap. Those who were not involved were doing an assembly job on imported parts which was not why they were put in place

[spudfan]

1

[Xtreme]

My Bank Details
https://www.aulro.com/app/data/1459/medium/20221028_My_Bank_Details.jpg

[scarry]

https://www1.picturepush.com/photo/a/16571711/640/16571711.jpg (https://picturepush.com/public/16571711)

[sashadidi]

181811

[NavyDiver]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nG3V50duX5w

[4bee]

https://www1.picturepush.com/photo/a/16571711/640/16571711.jpg (https://picturepush.com/public/16571711)


And even better, you never felt a bloody thing, but next morning you wondered where the bleeding & Gravel Rash came from.

[spudfan]

It also gave you the courage to get back on the bicycle everytime you fell off.

[4bee]

1


I'm guessing that they won't have the readies to buy pressies. [bigsad][bighmmm]

[sashadidi]

And that, son, is how I met your Mother.

https://mobile.twitter.com/SlenderSherbet/status/1591058057957871616

[sashadidi]

Thats not a worm.....


https://mobile.twitter.com/FredSchultz35/status/1591469596766347265

[4bee]

Thats not a worm.....


https://mobile.twitter.com/FredSchultz35/status/1591469596766347265


I felt that. I am reliably informed sexual pleasure can come in many forms.


Whatever floats one's boat. :Thump::Rolling:

[Tins]

Its a new Barking Black[bigwhistle]

181316

I didn't know 'roos laid eggs..

[Tins]

181811

I thought Keith was older than that...

[sashadidi]

181922

[p38arover]

^^ Chemists and supermarkets don't sell large ones - I have to get them from sex shops.

[p38arover]

181437

Shouldn't that be a Budweiser jug?

[Saitch]

^^ Chemists and supermarkets don't sell large ones - I have to get them from sex shops.

Strewth, Ron, one shop not enough? How many do you go through? [tonguewink]

[p38arover]

Not nearly enough. [bigsad]

[350RRC]

Strewth, Ron, one shop not enough? How many do you go through? [tonguewink]

Nothing is supposed to go through them.

[Tins]

Nothing is supposed to go through them.

Despite considerable evidence to the contrary.

[Saitch]

Despite considerable evidence to the contrary.

What are you insinuating, JT? Are there sometimes strained relationships?

[Tins]

What are you insinuating, JT? Are there sometimes strained relationships?

I'd answer, but I don't want to get thrown off this forum so soon after coming back, and I'm not a member of CA....

[sashadidi]

181974

[Tins]

181974

So, is the white thing in the pic supposed to be Glasgow?

[Saitch]

So, is the white thing in the pic supposed to be Glasgow?

Dunno, JT. In this day and age, it could be Middlesex.

[ChookD2]

https://i.giphy.com/media/BmhyI3ERqHdUk/giphy.webp

[Saitch]

...
181977

[NavyDiver]

...
181977

I really want to send that to my Aunt (She is A Poor Claire nun in PNG). It would be elder abuse so I will restrain myself. My sisters and mum are getting it thanks :)

[4bee]

I really want to send that to my Aunt (She is A Poor Claire nun in PNG). It would be elder abuse so I will restrain myself. My sisters and mum are getting it thanks :)



Naaaaaahhh, she would probably **** herself larfin & send it to all the other members of her order at the Mission. "Oh look at this Sisters, this is what my Nepphy sent me".

":Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Roll ing:"

[NavyDiver]

Naaaaaahhh, she would probably **** herself larfin & send it to all the other members of her order at the Mission. "Oh look at this Sisters, this is what my Nepphy sent me".

":Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling::Roll ing:"

Blues brothers is one of my favorite Movies Des. The Mother Superior in the Blues Brothers might have met her match with my Aunt.

She did ask my parents to kick my little sister (13 y.o) out of the house as she did not want to go to church once while visiting. They didn't kick her out of course. I was running about in the Navy when that visit happened. Noting she has not tried to excommunicate me yet[bigwhistle]

The Penguin is cool of course


https://youtu.be/sqkowVU5mZI

[4bee]

Blues brothers is one of my favorite Movies Des. The Mother Superior in the Blues Brothers might have met her match with my Aunt.

She did ask my parents to kick my little sister (13 y.o) out of the house as she did not want to go to church once while visiting. They didn't kick her out of course. I was running about in the Navy when that visit happened. Noting she has not tried to excommunicate me yet[bigwhistle]

The Penguin is cool of course


https://youtu.be/sqkowVU5mZI

Maybe not excommunicated you but maybe there have been plenty of crossed forefingers & hexes going on in the background. Were you on HMAS Sydney by any chance[bighmmm]?

[NavyDiver]

Maybe not excommunicated you but maybe there have been plenty of crossed forefingers & hexes going on in the background. Were you on HMAS Sydney by any chance[bighmmm]?


Hexes? Might explain a LOT of my broken bones and blood loss[biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin] I will ask her.

Was I on FFG type Sydney? Nope. Played with her often Des. FFG turbine spin up sounded very cool.

I was on her sister HMAS Adelaide FFG - She was my last ship.

The New Adelaide is a BIG target. Just kidding. Its a Huge "Amphibious Assault Ships" or "Landing Helicopter Docks (LHD"

Trivia FFGs are still running The former HMAS Newcastle FFG was sold to Chile's navy. Not bad for "Plastic fantastics" a nickname us Steel destroyers types gave them [bigrolf]

Did you know some Sydney crew Des?

[4bee]

Hexes? Might explain a LOT of my broken bones and blood loss[biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin] I will ask her.

Was I on FFG type Sydney? Nope. Played with her often Des. FFG turbine spin up sounded very cool.

I was on her sister HMAS Adelaide FFG - She was my last ship.

The New Adelaide is a BIG target. Just kidding. Its a Huge "Amphibious Assault Ships" or "Landing Helicopter Docks (LHD"

Trivia FFGs are still running The former HMAS Newcastle FFG was sold to Chile's navy. Not bad for "Plastic fantastics" a nickname us Steel destroyers types gave them [bigrolf]

Did you know some Sydney crew Des?

Only you darls, not the Carrier, although I tell a fib. I did work with an ER Tiffy who was a screwed up Garden Island Gate participant if you get my drift. Talk about bloody weird!

Glad when I left there.:wallbash::Thump:

[spudfan]

From my Mrs..

[sashadidi]

University days...
I so would have done this especially in stage one anatomy but we didn't have laptops....[biggrin]


https://twitter.com/TansuYegen/status/1596439429010591744's=20&t=ZXUUR_1y_Qc9fdDI_xKUEg

[Tins]

University days...
I so would have done this especially stage in one anatomy but we didn't have laptops....[biggrin]


https://twitter.com/TansuYegen/status/1596439429010591744's=20&t=ZXUUR_1y_Qc9fdDI_xKUEg

Lateral thinking should get that bloke a distinction.

[4bee]

From my Mrs..

Serious reply.

Speaking of tight lid jars, spud, have you copped a goggle on those wonderful inventions ie. A plastic lever type thing with a hook on it that you slip over the lid & the hook breaks the Vacuum Seal et voila.

No more straining one's wrist.

[superquag]

Serious reply.

Speaking of tight lid jars, spud, have you copped a goggle on those wonderful inventions ie. A plastic lever type thing with a hook on it that you slip over the lid & the hook breaks the Vacuum Seal et voila.

No more straining one's wrist.

Got a couple, work a treat, worth their weight in.....Plastic. [bigrolf]

[3toes]

Open jars that are not being cooperative with one of those handles with a strap they sell to remove tighten a spin on oil filter

[Tins]

Open jars that are not being cooperative with one of those handles with a strap they sell to remove tighten a spin on oil filter

Those things are handy for a number of tasks.

[spudfan]

I just upend the jar, put the tip of a knife between the lid and the jar and jerk the knife outwards. This breaks the factory seal then it can be opened by hand.

[spudfan]

Open jars that are not being cooperative with one of those handles with a strap they sell to remove tighten a spin on oil filter

I have one of those but I never thought of using it on a jar lid.[thumbsupbig]

[Tins]

I have one of those but I never thought of using it on a jar lid.[thumbsupbig]

Neither did I until I had to undo one of those end caps on a PVC plumbing pipe.

Then i used it to hold this while i adjusted the spring:182157

[sashadidi]

First day at practical clinic training......

182168

[Tins]

First day at practical clinic training......

182168

дерьмо, that's horrible!

[NavyDiver]

First day at practical clinic training......

182168

Not ever knocking the sniff test. [biggrin]

An Emergency Doc at Epworth Richmond sniffed my leg then put me straight on three days of IV antibiotics. I did get to compliment his actions despite the high fever I was having at the time[thumbsupbig]

He nailed it. A very nasty post surgical infection [thumbsupbig]

[Tins]

An Emergency Doc at Epworth Richmond sniffed my leg

They have dogs for that.

[4bee]

Not ever knocking the sniff test. [biggrin]

An Emergency Doc at Epworth Richmond sniffed my leg then put me straight on three days of IV antibiotics. I did get to compliment his actions despite the high fever I was having at the time[thumbsupbig]

He nailed it. A very nasty post surgical infection [thumbsupbig]

Doc. "**** me James that smells like Gangrene. Right, off with that leg"'

Later. "**** James old boy wrong test, sorry" "Ho hum stumpy."



See the nurse on your way out she'll give you a Bandaid & an ASPRO I trust this will not affect your running. NEXT! "[bigrolf]

[NavyDiver]

Doc. "**** me James that smells like Gangrene. Right, off with that leg"'

Later. "**** James old boy wrong test, sorry" "Ho hum stumpy."



See the nurse on your way out she'll give you a Bandaid & an ASPRO I trust this will not affect your running NEXT! "[bigrolf]

Best advise was stumpy leg was highly likely with out the big drug guns Des. The rotten infection and drugs needed did kill the bone graft and delayed running for a year

Nurses there rock and would have dragged the Doctors out if needed. Not sure if [B]Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) is related to Gangrene. It sure stank in my view![bigrolf]

[Tins]

Doc. "**** me James that smells like Gangrene. Right, off with that leg"'


They have a far more effective treatment these days. They still amputate, but they do it at the neck. That'll put a crimp in your marathon ambitions.

[4bee]

Best advise was stumpy leg was highly likely with out the big drug guns Des. The rotten infection and drugs needed did kill the bone graft and delayed running for a year

Nurses there rock and would have dragged the Doctors out if needed. Not sure if [B]Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) is related to Gangrene. It sure stank in my view![bigrolf]


If it isn't related, it sure sounds like it should be but what has that to do with your hairy arse?
:Rolling:

[cripesamighty]

I remember many moons ago doing cultures in a Microbiology lab during my undergrad degree. We were taking swabs from our own bodies to see what grew on our skin. Several people had a nice golden orange orb growing on their culture plates. Needless to say the Golden Staph (MRSA) plates were binned rather expediently!

[NavyDiver]

I remember many moons ago doing cultures in a Microbiology lab during my undergrad degree. We were taking swabs from our own bodies to see what grew on our skin. Several people had a nice golden orange orb growing on their culture plates. Needless to say the Golden Staph (MRSA) plates were binned rather expediently!

Very true- its very common and fine UNLESS it gets into open wounds. [thumbsupbig]

[Xtreme]

Behind every angry woman,
stands a man
who has absolutely no idea
what he did wrong!

[Tins]

who has absolutely no idea
what he did wrong!

He needn't worry about that, as she will be sure to tell him.

[4bee]

Behind every angry woman,
stands a man
who has absolutely no idea
what he did wrong!



Or right even, but still copped the acid tongue.:Rolling:

[Xtreme]

Be decisive.
Right or Wrong.
The road of life is paved with flat rabbits who couldn't make a decision.

[Xtreme]

Arguing with a woman is like reading a Software Agreement.
In the end you have to ignore everything and click "I Agree".

[Xtreme]

A wise man once said .................................................. .............................. nothing.

[Tins]

The road of life is paved with flat rabbits who couldn't make a decision.

And eagles who decided that eating flat rabbits was more important than getting out of the way of Kenworths.

[Xtreme]

And eagles who decided that eating flat rabbits was more important than getting out of the way of Kenworths.
Or the crow who didn't understand and was hit by the Kenworth when the 'lookout' crow called out 'truck' instead of 'caw caw' (pronounced, 'car car') [bigrolf]

[Tins]

Or the crow who didn't understand and was hit by the Kenworth when the 'lookout' crow called out 'truck' instead of 'caw caw' (pronounced, 'car car') [bigrolf]

You can't trust those crows:


https://youtu.be/qEbDEgvkXCs

[d2dave]

Very smart birds crows, a lot smarter than kangaroos, that's for sure. In my thousands of miles as an interstate truck driver, (Kenworth of course) I have never hit one.

And when they are in the middle of my lane feeding on road kill they are smart enough to only move the required distance to not get hit.

All other birds fly off.

[Tins]

Very smart birds crows, a lot smarter than kangaroos, that's for sure. In my thousands of miles as an interstate truck driver, (Kenworth of course) I have never hit one.

And when they are in the middle of my lane feeding on road kill they are smart enough to only move the required distance to not get hit.

All other birds fly off.

Yep. They're right up there with pigs. Never hit one of them either. Of course, they may be a little more scared of a Scania...

[4bee]

Yep. They're right up there with pigs. Never hit one of them either. Of course, they may be a little more scared of a Scania...


I'm right up there with pigs as well. Why would one put themselves in front of a speeding Kenworth/Scania(insert other truck make here) doing warp speed with 20 T on the back pray tell?

Nope not crazy.:Rolling:

When we bought our first D1 we bought a little plastic do dad that fixed under the front bumper which was to emit a high frequency sound to warn 'roos etc. as the air rushed through a small venturi

Must have worked as we never hit one on a couple of trips to Brisvegas/Snowies etc.:Rolling:

Then again we may have just been pure arsey.

Nearly hit a slow moving Wombat though, but they are slow ****ers at the best of times I gather. And probably deaf. [bighmmm][bigrolf]

[Tins]

When we bought our first D1 we bought a little plastic do dad that fixed under the front bumper which was to emit a high frequency sound to warn 'roos etc. as the air rushed through a small venturi
Then again we may have just been pure arsy.

Yep, that was it. I had those things stuck on every truck I drove, and a more exy thing on the coach. Lost count of the roos I hit. Got a cow up near Coppabella once. Those noisemaker things don't work.




Nearly hit a slow moving Wombat though, but they are slow ****ers at the best of times I gather. And probably deaf. [bighmmm][bigrolf]

Try 'em around mating season. They can run all right.

[RANDLOVER]

[QUOTE=Tins;3172643............
Try 'em around mating season. They can run all right.[/QUOTE]

Sounds like you've been chased by a wombat?

[4bee]

Sounds like you've been chased by a wombat?


Only because he was probably trying to pinch the other wombat's sheila. [bighmmm]:bat::bat: [bigrolf]

[scarry]

Nearly hit a slow moving Wombat though, but they are slow ****ers at the best of times I gather. And probably deaf. [bighmmm][bigrolf]

I remember slowing down and stopping beside one of those years ago, it kept going and hit the back door of the car and put a dent in it.[biggrin][bigsad]

I have hit 3 'roos in the last couple of years,two destroyed the boots on the steering shaft on the van,both left side.Hit during the day.

[Tins]

Sounds like you've been chased by a wombat?

Actually I have... but it had cubs/pups/kittens damn, babies and it was, shall we say, aggressive.

My experience with them at "mating" season is all driving based. They're tough little buggers, but not tough enough to cope with a B-Double.

You insinuating something here??

[4bee]

I remember slowing down and stopping beside one of those years ago, it kept going and hit the back door of the car and put a dent in it.[biggrin][bigsad]

I have hit 3 'roos in the last couple of years,two destroyed the boots on the steering shaft on the van,both left side.Hit during the day.



Then I have been lucky. Have 'roos in the garden but none have been asleep in front of the vehicle, maybe I 'm doing summat wrong? The whipper snipper bloke woke one up (male) the other day but after we had our usual conversation he buggered off not to be seen for the rest of the day.

Taking 'er indoors out for lunch today so maybe I'll hit summat near the Pie Shop & the Salvo shop:Thump:?[bigrolf] Who says we don't walk on the wild side?:Rolling:

[sashadidi]

182291

[sashadidi]

182292

[spudfan]

182291

Sublime!

[Xtreme]

https://www.aulro.com/app/data/1459/20221208_AI_-_1.jpg

[Xtreme]

https://www.aulro.com/app/data/1459/20221208_AI_-_2.jpg

[Xtreme]

https://www.aulro.com/app/data/1459/20221208_AI_-_3.jpg

[sashadidi]

182503

[4bee]

182503\\

I guess it had to happen sometime I did like the Japanese clean up good example though. Hope that catches on.

[RANDLOVER]

Podiums..........now there's a product I can stand behind.

[sashadidi]

While she was busy preparing food and hospitality for her husband and his guests, they told her that they were advising him to marry a second woman!

[smilebigeye][smilebigeye][smilebigeye]


https://twitter.com/saifsalahalhety/status/1602196059752742914

[Tins]

While she was busy preparing food and hospitality for her husband and his guests, they told her that they were advising him to marry a second woman!

[smilebigeye][smilebigeye][smilebigeye]


https://twitter.com/saifsalahalhety/status/1602196059752742914



https://youtu.be/plZRe1kPWZw

[4bee]

Podiums..........now there's a product I can stand behind. while speaking?



Did you realise it is seen as bad form to rest one's arms on the podium when speaking?


Too easy to fall asleep, so one can imagine what the audience are leaning on. Maybe they are hanging on to the "Speaker's every word?" Pretty doubtful I know. [bigrolf]

[4bee]

While she was busy preparing food and hospitality for her husband and his guests, they told her that they were advising him to marry a second woman!

[smilebigeye][smilebigeye][smilebigeye]


https://twitter.com/saifsalahalhety/status/1602196059752742914


HE must have been a Muslim.[bighmmm][bigrolf]

[NavyDiver]

Sorry if its already here [thumbsupbig]


embedded

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound Of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is$2.50."

[V8Ian]

deer Santa
define norty
luv emma age 5

[sashadidi]

I do like Podcasts for continuing education but this is quite funny...

https://mobile.twitter.com/MrMichaelSpicer/status/1604172730194018305

[spudfan]

The Flat Earth Society claim to have members from all around the Earth...

[V8Ian]

I think that's supposed to be "from all around the globe.", Spud. [wink11]

[spudfan]

I think that's supposed to be "from all around the globe.", Spud. [wink11]
Yes you are correct.:BigThumb:

[Tins]

The Flat Earth Society claim to have members from all around the Earth...

They're wrong, they don't. They all fell off.

[spudfan]

Christmas present

[RANDLOVER]

When the carona virus is found in the bird species it is called Crowvid or Crovid for short.

[V8Ian]

182905

[Xtreme]

I was sitting in a cafe today with a mate, the waitress came over and said "you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
So we swapped.

[Tins]

183058

[Tins]

183059

[superquag]

Donald Duck has a Significant Other / girlfriend....
Dunno what he owns - Sedan or wagon or topless sports, but I'm told she drives a
- Minnie-van.

[bigsad][bigsad][bigsad][bigwhistle][bigsmile][bigrolf]

[350RRC]

183058

In Vic I'm sure someone could get a legit hotrod built and registered out of that.

David L

[d2dave]

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RACV van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

[Gibby]

[B]THE SQUIRREL & THE GRASSHOPPER REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:


The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the Summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END


[B]THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION:


The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".

Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australians apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".

The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since arrival in Australia.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million dollars each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Australia.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END

[Gibby]

Man walk's into the pub and asks the barman why it's called the homosexual arms I don't know wait I'll ask the Wife (HEY HARRY)

[Gibby]

[bigsmile] an old couple sitting on a park bench in the sun shine when an American tourists site's down beside them and says love you're country man the wife says (what'd he say what'd he say) the husband says (he likes it here) wife says ahw American says i was here during the war (wife says (what'd he say what'd he say) hubby says (he's been here before) wife says ahw American says i met agirl here worst sex i ever had wife says (what'd he say what'd he say) hubby says (HE THINKS HE KNOW'S YOU)

[Saitch]

Almost that time of the year for some.

183208

[Tins]

Almost that time of the year for some.

183208

Driving the school bus was enough for me.

[d2dave]

Money
Money can buy a house, but not a home
Money can buy a bed, but not sleep
Money can buy a clock, but not time
Money can buy a book, but not knowlage
Money can buy a position, but not respect
Money can buy medicine, but not health
Money can buy blood, but not life
Money can buy sex, but not love

You see, money isn't everything and it often causes pain and suffering.

I am telling you this because I am your friend
As your friend, I want to take away your pain and suffering,
so send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

Cash only please.

Anyone wishing to accept this generous offer, send me a PM.


I once heard a saying,
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a big yacht that can be parked right beside it.

[d2dave]

I was at the doctors yesterday for my annual check up.

As I was about to leave I mentioned the discomfort I'd recently being experiencing in my joints.

He said drinking water would help.

I said that the joints I frequent don't serve water.

[NavyDiver]

I threw a Boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.


I do not need a parachute to go sky diving. I need one IF I want to do it a second time of course.

[V8Ian]

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?












A stick.

[sashadidi]

183327

[Tins]

183327

Takes "painting yourself into a corner" to a whole new level.

[d2dave]

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either.

Only in maths problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks, "What the Heck is wrong with you?"

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo".

I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine. I’m ageing like milk: Getting sour and chunky.

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favourite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your partner when dinner will be ready while they’re mowing the lawn.

[d2dave]

A Scottish woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.
She pauses, reflects and then she says. Well then, let it read "Angus McCarty died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read . . .
"Angus McCarty died. Golf clubs for sale."

[350RRC]

An Irish woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.
She pauses, reflects and then she says. Well then, let it read "Angus McCarty died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read . . .
"Angus McCarty died. Golf clubs for sale."

Shouldn't 'Irish' be 'Scottish' in this joke........... he's called Angus as well.

DL

[Saitch]

Shouldn't 'Irish' be 'Scottish' in this joke........... he's called Angus as well.

DL

I thought the same.

[d2dave]

Shouldn't 'Irish' be 'Scottish' in this joke........... he's called Angus as well.

DL

Fixed

[sashadidi]

183348

[RHS58]

Fixed

Why couldn’t a Scotsman have an Irish wife?

[Tins]

Why couldn’t a Scotsman have an Irish wife?

That's a very good point.

[Saitch]

Why couldn’t a Scotsman have an Irish wife?

Such as Elizabeth de Burgh?

[Tins]

Such as Elizabeth de Burgh?

Nah. Golf wasn't invented until about four centuries after Robert The Bruce.

[350RRC]

Why couldn’t a Scotsman have an Irish wife?

You're correct................. then the joke 'expands' and becomes similar to the '50 bucks is 50 bucks' one.

DL

[Xtreme]

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . .. . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

[Xtreme]

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She
replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard. 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was......'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

[Xtreme]

Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,checked
his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.

[Tins]

Appetites vary I guess..

183434

[sharmy]

A tough sort of bloke and his wife had been divorced for a number of years when she tuned up one night all flusted and with their two teenage boys. She shoved them through the door and announced " I can't handle them any more you look after them " and left. He ordered them up to bed and next morning as the boys were coming down the stairs he asked the first one what he wanted for breakfast. Gimme some ****ing cornflakes he said. The old man grabbed him and wack, wack, wack and through him down the stairs and then asked the second one what he wanted. Well he said I don't want any of them ****ing cornflakes.

[BradC]

In Vic I'm sure someone could get a legit hotrod built and registered out of that.

In Perth you could drive it as-is.

[NavyDiver]

An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand.
The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone.
He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse.
The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says:
“Will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.

Excuse me if already in the thread[thumbsupbig]

[3toes]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20230126/5512af05eb53ea06bbf7bd35aacb98f3.jpg

[Tins]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20230126/5512af05eb53ea06bbf7bd35aacb98f3.jpg

The more things change.....

[d2dave]

My wife asked me why I spoke so quietly at home.


I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerburg was listening.


She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed and Siri laughed.

[Tins]

My wife asked me why I spoke so quietly at home.


I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerburg was listening.


She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed and Siri laughed.

And Google adjusted your social credit rating.

[d2dave]

My Grandson made the mistake of telling me I was overdramatic, so I changed the wi fi password.

We'll see who is overdramatic in about 5 minutes.

[NavyDiver]

Kathy was shopping in the mall with her two children and a display in the window of a lingerie store caught her eye.
"Do you think Daddy would like this?" she asked the kids, as she pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe.
"No way," four-year-old Rian replied. "Daddy would NEVER wear that!

[RANDLOVER]

Aleo, Arial and Helvetica walk into a bar and the barman says "Sorry we don't serve your type here".

[austastar]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.


"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"But you can't come in here without a Thai".

[Tins]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.


"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"But you can't come in here without a Thai".

I guess the Cameroonian wasn't hungry.

[d2dave]

The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.
Great. I’ll start later.

[sashadidi]

"I followed this Chinese balloon for almost 200 miles only to eventually realize it was bird poop on my windshield."

183802

[NavyDiver]

"I followed this Chinese balloon for almost 200 miles only to eventually realize it was bird poop on my windshield."

183802

Thankfully Airforce didn't see it Sash. The Incoming fire could have spoiled your day mate[bigrolf]

[4bee]

Thankfully Airforce didn't see it Sash. The Incoming fire could have spoiled your day mate[bigrolf]


If it had been a bit of a wet one you might have thought it was the US action shot.

[Xtreme]

"I followed this Chinese balloon for almost 200 miles only to eventually realize it was bird poop on my windshield."

183802

I think the original was posted by Wing Pu.

[sashadidi]

183891

[spudfan]

I was watching something on the television recently and I saw a nurse wearing a hazmat suit. It dawned on me that my wife would look a lot better wearing a hazmat suit than she would wearing lingerie...

[sashadidi]

183904

[Tins]

183904

Perhaps the road should be wider?

[scarry]

https://www1.picturepush.com/photo/a/16600547/640/16600547.jpg (https://picturepush.com/public/16600547)

[NavyDiver]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe."


But what does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

[cuppabillytea]

I was watching something on the television recently and I saw a nurse wearing a hazmat suit. It dawned on me that my wife would look a lot better wearing a hazmat suit than she would wearing lingerie...
If that's what turns you on, you go for it mate.

[NavyDiver]

183963

[RANDLOVER]

Recent research has identified that leaving a roof top tent on a car increases fuel consumption by 20%, leaving it open makes that 35%.[biggrin]

[4bee]

Recent research has identified that leaving a roof top tent on a car increases fuel consumption by 20%, leaving it open makes that 35%.[biggrin]


With a following wind & the fitting of a balloon Spinnaker it might save fuel though. Shirley?[bigrolf]

[NavyDiver]

184076

[4bee]

If that's what turns you on, you go for it mate.


JAYZUS Spud, I am amazed you are still breathing in 2023. :Thump::Rolling::Rolling::Rolling:

[3toes]

While the stated intended use is perhaps a little beyond the manufacturer intended I thought breathing was what hazmats were supposed to maintain

[NavyDiver]

Not have a dig at people with medical issues- Please excuse me if you find this humor to dark or offensive.




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzoXQKumgCw&t=33s

[d2dave]

Not have a dig at people with medical issues- Please excuse me if you find this humor to dark or offensive.




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzoXQKumgCw&t=33s

What comedy show did this come from?

[V8Ian]

Not have a dig at people with medical issues- Please excuse me if you find this humor to dark or offensive.




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzoXQKumgCw&t=33s
That's not funny, my other persona agrees.

[Tins]

, my other persona agrees.

I'm still awaiting a consensus, but you know committees.

[NavyDiver]

What comedy show did this come from?

They know! I'm afraid to find out in case they are watching me watch them [biggrin]

[Tins]

What comedy show did this come from?

The White House[bigwhistle]

[NavyDiver]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[4bee]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.



They found him. He was living in OZ under the name of James ............. an ex RAN diver.[bigrolf]

[Tins]

184149

[RANDLOVER]

Obstetricians make great comedians, because it is all in the delivery.

[NavyDiver]

A Jehovah witness was going from house to house looking to talk to people
He approached a house and saw a man.
"Good day," he said "do you have time to discuss, I'm a Jehovah's Witness?
"Sure," said the man.
He let him in the house and they just kept staring at each other until the man asked "so what do you want to talk about?"
Then confused the Jehovah's Witness just said " I don't know, no one has let me in before"

[sashadidi]

184174

[cuppabillytea]

That's not funny, my other persona agrees.
My other persona would shoot lightning bolts up their freckles.

[sashadidi]

184199

[NavyDiver]

On his first day on the job, the trainee dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded:“You fool, you’ve dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”“No,” replied the trainee.“It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”
The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who You are talking to, you idiot?”“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly.“Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.

[V8Ian]

NINE WORDS or PHRASES WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your
toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing..)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever')..

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying SOD YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.

[Hogarthde]

😂😂
With regard to a woman I know quite well, actually that is wrong , with regard to the woman with whom I share a house, no that is also wrong, with regard to the woman in whose house i inhabit, to ask “what’s wrong”? , will get the “ you shouldn’t have to ask”
?

[d2dave]

NINE WORDS or PHRASES WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your
toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing..)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever')..

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying SOD YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.

Having being married to SWMBO for 38 years, i don't think there is anything in the above that I have not learnt.

All of the above could not be more accurate.

[Tins]

Having being married to SWMBO for 38 years, i don't think there is anything in the above that I have not learnt.

All of the above could not be more accurate.

Jan's been gone for five years and this still fills me with fear....

[V8Ian]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.


As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman
who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.


In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'


All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,


'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

[V8Ian]

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.


Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.


While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

[NavyDiver]

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
5. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
6. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
7. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
8. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
9. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
10. WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF!

[superquag]

Having being married to SWMBO for 38 years, i don't think there is anything in the above that I have not learnt.

All of the above could not be more accurate.

42 years now, same Wife.... who carries most of the burden of making it work.

We are an endangered species...

[350RRC]

42 years now, same Wife.... who carries most of the burden of making it work.

We are an endangered species...

Those who now identify with the pronouns 'she' or 'her' wanted equality the 70's, which was (is) genuinely fine with me.

I've lived with a number of women who had separate careers and bank accounts, and was married with one for 20 years. There was always sharing in tough times................. which always happens when you are both self employed.

Even with all that, there were a couple who professed the same ideals but gamed the system and didn't last the 'journey'.

It might sound strange but IME the more independent and equally 'free' the two parties can be in a relationship, the stronger that relationship will be, and 'burdens' evaporate.

DL

[sashadidi]

An 84-year-old man is having a drink in Harpoon Harry's.
Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.
After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition."'
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars into her hand...
He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."
Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains...

[d2dave]

Q. How do you stop a runaway horse?

A. Bet on it.

[BradC]

Not sure why people were getting grief for using Ivermectin to combat COVID.

The label clearly states it is safe for use in donkeys and jackassess.

[NavyDiver]

Not sure why people were getting grief for using Ivermectin to combat COVID.

The label clearly states it is safe for use in donkeys and jackassess.

Risky Brad?[biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

184407

[NavyDiver]

184408

Yes its a picture but its a joke as well [biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

[BradC]

My grief counsellor died yesterday. He did such a great job I just don't care.

[sashadidi]

Mouse in a hotel room.....

https://mobile.twitter.com/fun4laugh/status/1635878560283123714

[sashadidi]

Lifeguard toilet break....

https://mobile.twitter.com/fun4laugh/status/1635878856178671624

[sashadidi]

Needs more practice....

https://mobile.twitter.com/YoufeckingIdiot/status/1635258074540933120

[superquag]

Not sure why people were getting grief for using Ivermectin to combat COVID.

The label clearly states it is safe for use in donkeys and jackassess.

So is Azithromycin, which incidentally is good (bad?) for a nasty pneumonia, Rhodococcus equi in horses. And donkeys. And mules. Also quite successful in humans when compared to 'traditional'. antibiotics such as augmentin - oft prescribed for ear infections.



..... besides, the current (Feb- March). 'species'. of covid respond. (?). better to HCQ. + zinc, than IVM. "Better" from a human perspective.

Old Mate Skerrit reportedly recently let slip that his TGA's. opposition to IVM. was based on the fear it's availability MIGHT discourage jabbing uptake: Nothing to do with safety and/or efficacy of it.

Somewhat like the govt banning well-regarded tyres as BFG, and other heavy Duty foreign legends..... on the fear new SUV buyers wouldn't buy the Aussie made offerings.... Y'know, the tyre company that in less than a year, Invented, tested, and had legislation out in place to have their tyres fitted as mandated OEM to. ALL brand-new AWD / 4WD's.[bigwhistle][bigsad]

[NavyDiver]

Any more oxymorons?* Only choice
* Civil war
* Definite possibility
* Grow smaller
* Random order
* Old news
* True fiction
* Virtual reality
* Working vacation
* Exact estimate
* Original copies
* Pretty ugly
* Fully empty


Lots more of course

[Tins]

Civil war
devout atheist
even odds
impossible solution
unbiased opinion
humble opinion

would be just a few I'd add.

[austastar]

Military intelligence

Cheers

[V8Ian]

Female logic. :angel:

[AJM]

Council worker

[Homestar]

Kind of reminds me of this - loved the whole film.

"Gentlemen. You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!" - YouTube (https://youtu.be/UAeqVGP-GPM)

[Saitch]

Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was…
It was a complete guess, but I was right.

[V8Ian]

When I heard they had found a cure for Dyslexia.........

It was like music to my arse.

[p38arover]

Happy marriage
Cheap Porsche

[V8Ian]

Happy marriage
Cheap Porsche
Because there are no cheap Land Rovers. [bigrolf]

[d2dave]

When I heard they had found a cure for Dyslexia.........

It was like music to my arse.

Q. For what does DNA stand for

A. National Dyslexic Association.

[Tins]

Old MacDonald was dyslexic, IOIOE.

[d2dave]

LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
1 Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7 breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be

10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be

11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be

12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum: Said employee was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

[superquag]

Any more oxymorons?* Only choice
* Civil war
* Definite possibility
* Grow smaller
* Random order
* Old news
* True fiction
* Virtual reality
* Working vacation
* Exact estimate
* Original copies
* Pretty ugly
* Fully empty


Lots more of course

Sincere apologies to those affected...

"Friendly fire."

[RANDLOVER]

Q. Which cheese does one use to tempt a bear out of a cave?
A. Come-on-bear.

The most popular colour for garden gnome hats is red, which is a little gnome fact.

I was asked at an interview how well I performed under pressure, I said I did a better version of "Bohemian Rhapsody".

Q. Where do cats like to go on family outings?
A. The mew-seum.

Q. How does a mouse feel after a shower?
A. Squeaky clean.

Mum Jokes (candobooks.com.au) (https://www.candobooks.com.au/product/13648-mum-jokes)

[Tins]

184811

[4bee]

Q. Which cheese does one use to tempt a bear out of a cave?
A. Come-on-bear.

The most popular colour for garden gnome hats is red, which is a little gnome fact.

I was asked at an interview how well I performed under pressure, I said I did a better version of "Bohemian Rhapsody".

Q. Where do cats like to go on family outings?
A. The mew-seum.

Q. How does a mouse feel after a shower?
A. Squeaky clean.

Mum Jokes (candobooks.com.au) (https://www.candobooks.com.au/product/13648-mum-jokes)



I was asked at an interview how well I performed under pressure, I said I did a better version of "Bohemian Rhapsody".



I'd be"The Flight of the Bumble Bee" :Rolling:

[Tins]

I'd be"The Flight of the Bumble Bee" :Rolling:

Huh. I'd be "Another one bites the dust".

[NavyDiver]

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

[d2dave]

A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.
"Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "Sorry, but I didn't recognize you”.

[sashadidi]

Drug testing on the road.....

https://twitter.com/HumansNoContext/status/1646966850788511751

[RANDLOVER]

Any more oxymorons?

* Only choice
* Civil war
* Definite possibility
* Grow smaller
* Random order
* Old news
* True fiction
* Virtual reality
* Working vacation
* Exact estimate
* Original copies
* Pretty ugly
* Fully empty


Lots more of course


Luxury Caravan

[NavyDiver]

Luxury Caravan

Negative Growth

[jx2mad]

What do you call hares that are standing in a line and slowly moving backwards?.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.A receding hare line!

[Xtreme]

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?"
I replied with "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
I think he wants a rematch - he's been chasing me for 45 minutes!

[Xtreme]

She said she missed me.



Normally that would be good, ............. but she's reloading!

[Saitch]

I got caught smuggling a football through customs.


It was worth a try.

[Disco-tastic]

What's green and isn't heavy?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Light green.

[Disco-tastic]

I've started to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's all about raisin awareness