Jokes

[spudfan]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20240915/b37d4ef22917b560864950b70791aa59.jpg
An uncle of mine used to drive a Bedford TK. Always liked being in it. Metal dash and that whistling sound.

[sashadidi]

191509

[sashadidi]

191510

[sashadidi]

191511

[p38arover]

191509

I forgot it was on this weekend.

[V8Ian]

The most disappointed person on earth today is, the Bathurst safety car driver.

[Tins]

I forgot it was on this weekend.
Don’t blame you. Hasn’t been worth watching for about 40 years.

[d2dave]

I never miss it. I tell work that I am unavailable on this day.

Most boring race I can remember.

[Saitch]

Most boring race I can remember.

You forget the human race, Dave.

[Tins]

You forget the human race, Dave.

Nope. StuporCars are even more turgid than that.

[austastar]

I forgot it was on this weekend.Hi,
Drove the camper round it in '76; can't say it was in any way exciting.
Cheers

[Tins]

Hi,
Drove the camper round it in '76; can't say it was in any way exciting.
Cheers

I was there in '76 for the race. Got arrested. [bigsad]

[Saitch]

Hi,
Drove the camper round it in '76; can't say it was in any way exciting.
Cheers

A wee confession here. In '07 my wife and I did a 'Lap of the Mountain' in our mighty D1 tdi!

On the drive, I commented to my nav. that "It's nothing like you see on the tele!".

About 500 metres further along, I realised that we were going in the opposite direction to the racers. :redface::redface::redface:

Earlier this year, ChookD2 had the grace to escort me on a lap, in our D3s.

As well as going in the correct direction, I broke my existing lap record in the D3, too!

[d2dave]

A wee confession here. In '07 my wife and I did a 'Lap of the Mountain' in our mighty D1 tdi!



Not sure about going the wrong way, but if you went the correct way I reckon in a 300 Tdi tdi you would have needed low range to get through the cutting[bigwhistle]

My first year was 1976 and the last was 1985 when they stopped us from erecting scaffolding.

I did walk the track one year.

[Tins]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big departmentstore looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After thestore was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.How much was the sale for?"
Kid says, "$101,237.64."
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.

[NavyDiver]

A gambler was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt. He noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.Next race, as the horses lined up, the priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his winnings, and awaited for the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every penny he owned on the old nag.He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the priest was. Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every penny of my winnings!The priest nodded wisely and said with sympathy, ˜My Son, that's the problem with you Non believers, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites.'

[NavyDiver]

A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I think it's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

[RANDLOVER]

I've got to stop telling people that I like their Halloween mask or make-up, only to find they're not wearing any!

[Saitch]

191694

[Saitch]

191743

[sashadidi]

191747

[sashadidi]

191748

[V8Ian]

191796
“There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, trouble-making biker stepped up next to me. He grabbed my drink and gulped it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he said menacingly.

I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker said. “I didn’t think you’d cry. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I said. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen—and I don’t even have insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man, and then my dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I bought a drink, dropped a capsule in it, and sat here watching the poison dissolve.

Then you show up and drink the whole thing!”

“But enough about me,” I said, wiping my tears. “How’s your day going?”

[sashadidi]

191813

[sashadidi]

191815

[sashadidi]

oops double picture

191817

[d2dave]

191813

This is the Vic state government to a tee

[NavyDiver]

My roof top solar is working much better since we went to daylight saving




[biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin] Except for the rain and cloud cover here of course

[loanrangie]

Funniest thing i've heard this year, guy on one of the D3/4 FB groups reckons he gets 29.5mpg (8l/100) in his V8 D3 with 285/65 tires and steel bars [bigrolf]

[cripesamighty]

Funniest thing i've heard this year, guy on one of the D3/4 FB groups reckons he gets 29.5mpg (8l/100) in his V8 D3 with 285/65 tires and steel bars [bigrolf]


Would that be off a cliff with a tail wind...

[shack]

Funniest thing i've heard this year, guy on one of the D3/4 FB groups reckons he gets 29.5mpg (8l/100) in his V8 D3 with 285/65 tires and steel bars [bigrolf]Hmmmm, not sure that's a joke.

Maybe a prank or lie?

Maybe it was 29.5 litres per hd km?

A lot of the caravan forums I used to frequent had similar tall tales of 200 series towing a 3000kg van using 12.5.

Most of the local 200 series owners reckon they can often get it close to 12.5 L/100 without towing, maybe up to 13.5 L/100.


Somehow hooking a caravan on must put it into a super economical tow mode.

I guess if it makes you laugh, even in a scoffing kind of way it qualifies!!

[Tins]

This is the Vic state government to a tee

Given that five of the six train types currently running on the Melbourne network can't fit into the new $14BILLION tunnel, you got that right.

[loanrangie]

Hmmmm, not sure that's a joke.

Maybe a prank or lie?

Maybe it was 29.5 litres per hd km?

A lot of the caravan forums I used to frequent had similar tall tales of 200 series towing a 3000kg van using 12.5.

Most of the local 200 series owners reckon they can often get it close to 12.5 L/100 without towing, maybe up to 13.5 L/100.


Somehow hooking a caravan on must put it into a super economical tow mode.

I guess if it makes you laugh, even in a scoffing kind of way it qualifies!!


I get around 12-13 towing my van but its not a small city on wheels like a lot think they need, not towing i can get it under 8 on a highway run at a constant speed.
No way in a V8 would he get more than 16mpg which is what the majority of US owners claim, certainly would need to be downhill with a hurricane behind.

[V8Ian]

I get around 12-13 towing my van but its not a small city on wheels like a lot think they need, not towing i can get it under 8 on a highway run at a constant speed.
No way in a V8 would he get more than 16mpg which is what the majority of US owners claim, certainly would need to be downhill with a hurricane behind.
Imperial or US gallons?
When I had my D1 V8 I could regularly achieve north of 20 mpg, a figure many on this forum claimed was impossible. Driving style accounts for a lot. I tend to drive economically, but not necessarily for economy.

[RANDLOVER]

The reason cars have heated seats is because "rear defroster" was already taken.

[shack]

For everyone frustrated with their computers and phones.....

A software engineer, a hardware engineer and a department manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside.

The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the department manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the hardware engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the software engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

[gavinwibrow]

 Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
 What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
 Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
 Why do bees stay in their hives during the winter? Swarm.
 If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
 Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
 A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
 I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
 Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
 How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
 I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
 My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
 I lost my girlfriend’s audio book, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

 Why is ‘dark’ spelt with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
 Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
 When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
 Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
 Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence
 Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
 I’m trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
 I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
 What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
 I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
 What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
 I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

[Saitch]

191949

[350RRC]

Hmmmm, not sure that's a joke.

Maybe a prank or lie?

Maybe it was 29.5 litres per hd km?

........................

My POS gets 20l / 100km................... using LPG.

DL

[Saitch]

192003

[superquag]

My POS gets 20l / 100km................... using LPG.

DL

The 57 seat 'Karl Benz' I drive gets 7 - 8 mpg on diesel. [biggrin]

[V8Ian]

192003
Well timed for me this weekend and you next. [bigrolf]

[jerryd]

Well timed for me this weekend and you next. [bigrolf]

I'm going to borrow that Ian [bigwhistle]

[RANDLOVER]

What does Santa wear under his red suit?........


https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/61-c8y2UktL._AC_SX679_.jpg

[DieselLSE]

What does Santa wear under his red suit?........


https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/61-c8y2UktL._AC_SX679_.jpg
The Ho's what?

[Tins]

The Ho's what?

Negotiable affections?

[superquag]

Negotiable affections?

... 'of variable virtue '

[Tins]

192180
Rinse, and repeat.

[austastar]

Hi,
Ajay Bhatt must dread having his coffin behaving in a similar manner
Cheers

[Tins]

Hi,
Ajay Bhatt must dread having his coffin behaving in a similar manner
Cheers

Perhaps it would be appropriate.

[edddo]

192180
Rinse, and repeat.

Does this apply to the phenomena of inserting the wrong way 80% of the time - despite it being a 50/50 chance?

[sashadidi]

192191

[austastar]

Hi,
Sick of being on a regular JW visiting round, a friend installed several hideous Budda statues down his driveway.
None made it past the second one before an about turn.
Cheers

[d2dave]

Q. What is unusual about the Canary Islands

A. They don't have Canaries.

Q. What is unusual about the British Virgin Islands

































































A. They don't have canaries either.

[3toes]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night

I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner

Talk about Dyson with death

[gofish]

Did you about the agnostic, dislexic insomniac ? He stayed awake all night wondering if there was a dog.

[RANDLOVER]

Then after a terrible night, he spent all day wondering why life kept handing him melons.

[Tins]

Old MacDonald was dyslexic, I O I O E...


( Apologies to the Big Yin ).

[sashadidi]

192271

[sashadidi]

192272

[spudfan]

Regarding the New Defender. JLR and no doubt some owners of said vehicles aswell, are getting cheesed off being told that the New Defender is not a real Defender.
JLR and no doubt owners of these new models reply to this, by saying that the New Defender is an extraordinarily capable vehicle and will even out perform the old Defender off road.
Rumour has it that JLR are selling small sachets of used engine oil to owners of the new Defender models so they can sprinkle it on the ground under the engine bay of their New Defender.
Seems the new model just cannot match the older one in some respects.....

[d2dave]

Old MacDonald was dyslexic, I O I O E...


( Apologies to the Big Yin ).


Q. What does DNA stand for.
A. National dyslexic association.

[spudfan]

Parts of the country had some snow. They white van on the right is a speed detector van (well camouflaged given the recent snow fall.)

[RANDLOVER]

Regarding the New Defender. JLR and no doubt some owners of said vehicles aswell, are getting cheesed off being told that the New Defender is not a real Defender.
JLR and no doubt owners of these new models reply to this, by saying that the New Defender is an extraordinarily capable vehicle and will even out perform the old Defender off road.
Rumour has it that JLR are selling small sachets of used engine oil to owners of the new Defender models so they can sprinkle it on the ground under the engine bay of their New Defender.
Seems the new model just cannot match the older one in some respects.....

They are also working on shortened seat rails, and arm rest that extends further into the cabin and a loud mechanical sound track.

[RANDLOVER]

My get rich scheme for this year is I'm going to start selling used nose studs and nose rings and it's bound to be a winner as you never see them advertised.

[V8Ian]

[bigrolf] Good luck with that.

[3toes]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20250115/3cb3963dd6422987540bc6724b337e9c.jpg

[cuppabillytea]

Parts of the country had some snow. They white van on the right is a speed detector van (well camouflaged given the recent snow fall.)
ON one of my trips to Ireland, I preordered a 7 seater hire vehicle to cart Irish relos around. I was given a Blue LWB Hiace. After a couple of days I had noticed three things: 1. It was difficult to park in shopping centres. 2.A lot of Blue Hiaces were parked in Tinker (or whatever PC term is these days) camps. 3. I was pulled up at every single Diesel fuel check point. I swapped it for a normal people mover.

[cuppabillytea]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20250115/3cb3963dd6422987540bc6724b337e9c.jpg
Didn't see that coming.

[cuppabillytea]

My get rich scheme for this year is I'm going to start selling used nose studs and nose rings and it's bound to be a winner as you never see them advertised.
Do they come with used boogies?

[RANDLOVER]

Do they come with used boogies?

I do think nose rings and studs should really be called "booger rings" and "booger studs", as that must be what they feel like.

[Tins]

Do they come with used boogies?

Can you get unused ones?

[cuppabillytea]

No they must be left in situ'.

[Tins]

Thank ( insert deity of choice ) for THAT.

[sashadidi]

192441

[sashadidi]

192442

[d2dave]

192442

Reminds me of a septic pumping company in seymour.

One of their slogans was "It might be **** to you, but to us it is bread and butter."

They also had on it "poo truck two."

The missing word in the second line starts with the letter s

[cuppabillytea]

Soup?

[Tins]

Sushi

[rovers4]

Four letters - ? Sago?

[sashadidi]

192505

[sashadidi]

192506

[austastar]

192505Must be popular by the size of that carpark https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20250126/b0d52f405dfbdff2be7b3e2b754074e4.jpg

[RANDLOVER]

I went to tell my best mate Kevin about the new Bob Dylan movie, but he was out so I ended up just knock, knock, knocking on Kevin's door.

[cuppabillytea]

192506
Thanks. I knew I'd find it one day.

[sashadidi]

192529

[BradC]

Online dating as a 13 year old is hard. Every time I meet someone new they end up in Jail.

[NavyDiver]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwzHr7abcqw&t=52s

[RANDLOVER]

People who are geniuses at utilising concrete belong to an elite society called "Cemensa".

[RANDLOVER]

If NZ joins the AUKUS pact if should be renamed AUKUZ.

[Saitch]

192605

[Tins]

192605

Ken Maynard could have had some fun with that. PM would have had a few more lights, for a start. I suppose his trademark galah is driving the truck.

Disclaimer. Never drove a triple, let alone backed one. I might make a pig's breakfast out of it too.

[RANDLOVER]

With Valentine's Day coming up, I'd like to say that when I bring someone breakfast in bed, a simple thank you will suffice, not a whole lot of questions like, "what are you doing, who are you, how'd you get in here?".

[Tins]

With Valentine's Day coming up, I'd like to say that when I bring someone breakfast in bed, a simple thank you will suffice, not a whole lot of questions like, "what are you doing, who are you, how'd you get in here?".

I can do without the earsplitting shrieks as well.

[NavyDiver]

During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."
Everyone in the bank lay down quietly. This is called a "Mind-changing concept,” which changes conventional thinking.
When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"
This is called "Being Professional.” Focus only on what you are trained to do!
When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who had only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got."
The older robber rebutted and said: "You are foolish. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. The TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank tonight!"
This is called "Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!
After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor told him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million we have previously embezzled from the bank”.
This is called "Swim with the Tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!
The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."
This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.
The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million had been taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. They angrily complained, "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like being educated is better than
https://qph.cf2.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-0992c209495490ab7a9e985138d2aae1

being a thief!"
This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"
The bank manager smiled and was happy because this robbery covered his share market losses.
This is called "Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!

FYI Guangzhou is just North of Hong Kong. The place the poms stole so they could sell drugs for tea leaves[bigrolf][bigrolf]

[RANDLOVER]

Which Roman Emperor suffered terribly from hayfever?...Julius Sneezer.

[cuppabillytea]

With Valentine's Day coming up, I'd like to say that when I bring someone breakfast in bed, a simple thank you will suffice, not a whole lot of questions like, "what are you doing, who are you, how'd you get in here?".


I can do without the earsplitting shrieks as well.

Next time go to your wife and or girlfriend's house and you'll be fine, except for the "What are you up to?" questions.

[NavyDiver]

I was telling a colleague about the time the police pulled me and the trailer over and I got a ticket for 'excessive ball weight'. He replied, "I hope the copper didn't have cold hands...."

[RANDLOVER]

I was telling a colleague about the time the police pulled me and the trailer over and I got a ticket for 'excessive ball weight'. He replied, "I hope the copper didn't have cold hands...."

Well they do have the powers of "search and seizure "!

[NavyDiver]

"You've got to admire my accountant . Last year she deducted eighty cartons of cigarettes from my income tax return.

She called it loss by fire!"

I don't smoke of course. I could not afford 80 cartons of smokes either [bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf]

[350RRC]

Well they do have the powers of "search and seizure "!

In the early days of .05 laws in Vic you could be detained after a preliminary positive roadside breath test, then would be taken off for a real blood alcohol count, from a sample taken by a doctor.

There were some strange issues that arose, like could the plod force a doctor to take blood from a vein (any vein) that the suspect had the right to nominate?

I only know this coz as a kid our summer holiday house was full of medicos enjoying a sip and the mirth of the permutations this rigmarole could (and did) cause.

DL

[RANDLOVER]

"You've got to admire my accountant . Last year she deducted eighty cartons of cigarettes from my income tax return.

She called it loss by fire!"

I don't smoke of course. I could not afford 80 cartons of smokes either [bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf]

I think she missed a trick there as could have deducted matches and lighters as well.

[Tins]

192648

[Tins]

192649

[Tins]

192651

[Tins]

192652

[Tins]

192655

[Tins]

192656

[Tins]

192657

[Tins]

192698

[Tins]

192699

[Tins]

192700

[sashadidi]

expensive phone call..

https://x.com/HumansNoContext/status/1894910798172237927

[RANDLOVER]

All publicity is good publicity unless it is an obituary.

[sharmy]

A bloke walks into a doctors surgery and the doc askes him what his problem is. He takes his hat off and there is a giant green tree frog growing out of the top of his head, Good God! says the doc, how did that happen? Stuffed if I know says the frog, it started with a wart on my arse.

[ChookD2]

192704

[Saitch]

192704

Fair Dinkum, Ray! I had this idea when we lived in suburbia, in the '80s.
I reckon a lot of the area's inhabitants would have been grateful for all different sorts of 'Merchandise' too.[biggrin]

[d2dave]

Q. How do you know when it is bedtime at Michael Jacksons house.

A. When the big hand is on the little hand.

[sashadidi]

hopefully this is not over the top?

Mods if so please delete

192725

[Saitch]

hopefully this is not over the top?

Mods if so please delete

192725

Is that font called 'Analytics'?

[discorevy]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/attachments/general-chat/192725d1741157211-jokes-480818539_1046944194136372_7474952613721986867hf-copy.jpg


It may be code to let the Proctologist know that any "rear enders" will be covered.

Wasn't 'Analytic' font invented by those two Scottish blokes? (Ben Doune and Phil McKraken)

[discorevy]

A Husband calls his American wife and says "be careful driving home, some total idiot is driving down the wrong side of the freeway".

The wife replies "there's not just one, there are hundreds of them".

[ChookD2]

The wife called me and said she saw a fox on the way to work.

I said, how do you know he was his way to work.

She hung up.

[Tins]

They tell me the first thing to do when diagnosed with breast cancer is to get it off your chest.

[Saitch]

I once went out with a girl who stuck her fingers in my eyes.

I stopped seeing her, after that!

[RANDLOVER]

When I first heard about WeChat I thought it was a support group for UTI's.

[gofish]

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.............well technically she's not my girlfriend [bigwhistle]

[RANDLOVER]

IIRC sign outside a battery shop, "Which type of music do batteries like? Power Ballads".

[sharmy]

There are no stupid questions, just inquisitive idiots.

[ChookD2]

Are song birds mad at humming birds because they don't know the words? [bigwhistle]

[Saitch]

192780

[Tins]

192780

Gunna save that one....

[Saitch]

The fact that many people can't distinguish between entomology and etymology bugs me in ways I can't put into words.

[RANDLOVER]

Vegans are allowed to go fishing, but they can only catch seaweed.

[Tins]

Does that make them kelptomaniacs?

[cripesamighty]

Only if they s(t)eal it...

[Saitch]

192809

[Tins]

Is there a preface?

[NavyDiver]

192817

[RANDLOVER]

192817
Blisters as only appears after all the hard work is done.

[sharmy]

what about " London Fog " Never lifts

[Saitch]

I worked with a bloke in his early 30s, whom I called Ötzi. The amount of experience he'd garnered and the number of jobs he'd worked in, would have been impossible, even for a Centenarian!

[austastar]

G Spot; nobody can find him.
Cheers

[Tins]

Worked with a bloke I called Opium, slow working dope. Having never tried that particular substance I can’t say how accurate it was.

[NavyDiver]

I am dating again after my divorce. Out last year I brought a few drinks and was having fun with a beautiful young lady. It felt amazing and I talked a lot and she listened and smiled a lot. It was a beautiful experience and lifted my spirits.


We chatted about how I would soon inherit my dying father's substantial estate, and how WE would be set for life! The lady was most impressed. So much so, that within the month - she had agreed to marry!




Marry my dad, that is...[biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

[Saitch]

I downloaded the 'Titanic' sound track, but couldn't get it to work.

It took me a while to work out that I had to sync it!

[Tins]

I downloaded the 'Titanic' sound track, but couldn't get it to work.

It took me a while to work out that I had to sync it!

You have to break it in half first as well.

[gofish]

Worked with a bloke I called Opium, slow working dope. Having never tried that particular substance I can’t say how accurate it was.

I work with a bloke they call Milo......not quik

[RANDLOVER]

I think the signs at 4wd parks showing track difficulty are confusing as who really knows what blue square 🟦, black diamond, double black diamond etc mean, far better to rate tracks by how many spare pairs of underpants might be required 🩲, or 🩲 🩲, or 🩲 🩲 🩲.

[NavyDiver]

Donald Trump was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a 4th grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr.Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.'
So our illustrious POTUS asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Trump, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the room

[sharmy]

The same teacher was telling the class about the evils of drink and to make a point on how dangerous it is she demonstrated by dropping a worm into a glass of water. The worm wriggled and swam around quite happily and then she took it out and dropped it into a glass of scotch. It quickly died. She then asked the class what they learnt about the experiment. Little Johnnie answered " if you drink scotch you won't get worms"

[V8Ian]

192891

[Saitch]

Saw a bloke today, running a deer around a paddock. He was getting it in training for the upcoming, Linville Deer Races. He's trying to make a fast buck, apparently!

[Tins]

Saw a bloke today, running a deer around a paddock. He was getting it in training for the upcoming, Linville Deer Races. He's trying to make a fast buck, apparently!
He’s going to lose his doe.

[windsock]

He’s going to lose his doe.

Not before the punters fawn over the odds...

[350RRC]

Not before the punters fawn over the odds...

10 points for that one.

[sharmy]

A 95 year old man fronted court charged with rape. They dismissed the case because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court, so they reduced the charge to assault with a dead weapon.

[RANDLOVER]

I hadn't herd of deer racing.

[Tins]

I hadn't herd of deer racing.

Neither had I. It's usually dear, in my experience.

[Tins]

Not before the punters fawn over the odds...

Going to have to ruminate on that one.

[sashadidi]

192981

[RANDLOVER]

My mate's wife just gave birth to triplets, but he is not celebrating, he is out looking for the other two fathers.

[NavyDiver]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him:
“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”

“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

It's always better to get a second opinion.

[Saitch]

193077

[NavyDiver]

Steve from Texas is waiting for his big surgery, when his anesthesiologist walks into the room with his equipment. Steve swallows nervously and asks: "Excuse me, would you mind explaining to me how you'll put me under? This is my first time." "Oh sure," said the anesthesiologist kindly, "Don't worry, I only use the best drugs and I have lots of experience measuring just the right amount. You won't feel a thing and will wake up with no side effects at all." "Oh," breathed Steve, "that's awesome, thanks Doc!" "Sure," said the doctor, "by the way, are you insured with any of our..." "Ah, no." Said Steve, "I don't have insurance." "

Ah, I see." says the anesthesiologist and begins to sing: "Twinkle twinkle little star..."

[sharmy]

An ex Sargent Major was having a quiet night at home when the doorbell rang. He answered it and was confronted by his ex wife and two teenage sons. She announced that she can no longer handle them and shoved them through the door, saying you look after them. Right, he said, you two up to bed. Next morning the two boys were coming down the stairs and the old man asked the older one what he wanted for breakfast. " Gimme some ****en cornflakes he said. The old man grabbed him, wack, wack, thump and hurled him down the stairs, he turned to the younger one and said what do you want. Well, said the younger one, " I don't want any of them ****en cornflakes.

[RANDLOVER]

I'm famous for not being famous.

[Tins]

I'm famous for not being famous.

I'm notorious for that.

[RANDLOVER]

The best way to cook kale is with lots of oil and butter, so that it slides straight out of the pan into the bin.

[V8Ian]

The best way to cook kale is with lots of oil and butter, so that it slides straight out of the pan into the bin.
This post should be in the technical section, never has a truer word been uttered.

[NavyDiver]

The best way to cook kale is with lots of oil and butter, so that it slides straight out of the pan into the bin.

Get it in your garden and eat it young. Seriously good. My spicey Kale Chips rock[bigrolf][bigrolf]

[RANDLOVER]

I've been waiting to apply for the Pope job, but it hasn't come up on SEEK yet.

[Tins]

I've been waiting to apply for the Pope job, but it hasn't come up on SEEK yet.

I expect you'd be overqualified.

[cuppabillytea]

I've been waiting to apply for the Pope job, but it hasn't come up on SEEK yet.
It came up on Linkedin. I applied but they said I was overqualified. Should have had a haircut.

[Saitch]

It came up on Linkedin. I applied but they said I was overqualified. Should have had a haircut.

Hmmm. I wonder if a 'Disney Pope' is on the cards?

[cuppabillytea]

Hmmm. I wonder if a 'Disney Pope' is on the cards?
Could be. Was Disney Catholic?

[ChookD2]

Hmmm. I wonder if a 'Disney Pope' is on the cards?

Well played sir, well played. :clap2:[bigwhistle]

[sashadidi]

193142

[cripesamighty]

I saw this yesterday and cracked up. I don't know if this crosses the PC line for AULRO, so will let the mods decide if it needs to go.


193143

[NavyDiver]

I saw this yesterday and cracked up. I don't know if this crosses the PC line for AULRO, so will let the mods decide if it needs to go.


193143

On my knees? Please goddo 'please make the next pope a sensible young women'. The VERY old men they pick always die quickly [bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf] Add an 's' or an 'r' to picks if you choose to or not of course.[bigwhistle][bigwhistle][bigwhistle]

My aunty the NUN isnt like the Penguin in the Blues Brothers yet I might not share that with her and the brethren in the convent in NSW or PNG despite them all being women [bigsmile][bigsmile][bigsmile]

I LOVE THE BLUES BROTHERS [biggrin] Trivia It was played at 6pm and 8pm movie on HMAS Vampire every night at sea. The Forward seaman's mess had a LOT of black suits, hats and glasses to Suite the Suit

Short version only alas[bigrolf]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2WMgrhtXZE

[sharmy]

An old nun and a young nun were driving and came to a stop at a red light. A hoon car with a loud v8 engine rumbling, pulled up beside them and the young driver with a mohawk haircut and rings through his nose, ears and lip was leering at the young nun. The old nun said to the young nun "show him you're cross dear" so she wound down the window and said " YOU **** off".

[NavyDiver]

It was a blazing hot Saturday evening in the summer of ’57, and young Fred was all spruced up for his big date with the ever-charming Peggy Sue.
He slicked back his hair, polished his shoes to a mirror shine, and cruised over in his dad’s prized Chevy. When he rang the bell, Peggy Sue’s mother opened the door with a warm smile.

“Oh, come on in, honey! Peggy’s still getting ready,” she said sweetly. “Have a seat. Want something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?”
“Iced tea would be swell, ma’am,” Fred replied.
She brought him a glass and sat down like she had all the time in the world. “So,” she said with a grin, “what are you and Peggy planning for tonight?”
Fred shrugged, trying to sound cool. “Maybe a movie, a burger at the malt shop, then maybe a stroll down by the beach… real nice and easy.”
Peggy’s mom leaned in and said cheerfully,
“You know… Peggy loves to screw.”
Fred nearly choked on his iced tea.
“Uh… I—I beg your pardon?”
“Oh yes,” she continued, totally unfazed. “When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do!”
Fred blinked.
“All night long, if we’d let her!” the mom added with a nod, as if she’d just said Peggy liked hopscotch.
Fred, now trying not to pass out, managed a polite, “Well… thanks for the heads-up…”
Just then, Peggy Sue floated down the stairs, picture-perfect in her pink blouse, hoop skirt, and a ponytail that bounced like it had its own personality.
“Hi, Fred!” she chirped, and off they went.
Half an hour later, the front door flew open and Peggy Sue stormed in, wind-blown, red-faced, and furious.
She glared into the kitchen and shouted,
“THE TWIST, MOM! THE DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!”

[sharmy]

A blond walked into a vehicle workshop, the proprietor asked if he could help her, she answered "my car is running real rough, missing and coughing real bad". He said "we are quite busy at the moment, leave it with us for an hour and I will have a look at it". She went away and an hour later she returned, to be told " everything's ok just **** in the carby" Oh! she said "how often do I have to do that".

[sashadidi]

193203

[sashadidi]

193204

[Saitch]

193223

[RANDLOVER]

193223

This and all the other accounts of alien contact, is why if I ever meet any aliens my first words to them are going to be, "Please don't probe me".

[NavyDiver]

Me - I am good at running happily

193225

[Saitch]

This and all the other accounts of alien contact, is why if I ever meet any aliens my first words to them are going to be, "Please don't probe me".

I wonder if they have smooth music playing throughout the procedure?

Something by P.J. Proby, perhaps? Like "What's Wrong With My World". [bighmmm]

[scarry]

Paddy was walking down the street when he saw his buddy Mick driving a brand-new Mercedes 🚗✨.
Mick pulled up with a big grin 😁.
Paddy asked, “Mick, where’d you get that car?”
Mick replied, “Sue gave it to me.”
Paddy looked shocked. “She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, lad… but a new Merc?” 😲
Mick said, “Well, let me tell you what happened…
We were driving on a country road at 6 in the morning 🌄, in the middle of nowhere. Sue suddenly pulled over, headed into the woods 🌲, parked the car, got out, threw off all her clothes 👗, and said,
‘Mick, take whatever you want.’” 😳
“So I took the car!” 😎🚘
Paddy nodded and said,
“You’re a smart man, Mick… them clothes would’ve never fit you anyway.” 😂👌

[RANDLOVER]

I wonder if they have smooth music playing throughout the procedure?

Something by P.J. Proby, perhaps? Like "What's Wrong With My World". [bighmmm]
Or like during Homer Simpson's colonoscopy Lou Rawls - You'll Never Find Another Love Like Mine
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BUh3Hj2-cCo

[ChookD2]

Or possibly Mike Brady with "Up There Cazaly" [biggrin]

[NavyDiver]

My daughter was doing her homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo.


I, proudly and confidently, told her that he was just a poor boy from a poor family.


https://www.youtube.com/watch'time_continue=135&v=FraKGr7mhzk&embeds_refer ring_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.bing.com%2F&embeds_ref erring_origin=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.bing.com&source_ve _path=Mjg2NjY

[d2dave]

My daughter was doing her homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo.


I, proudly and confidently, told her that he was just a poor boy from a poor family.


And unloved.

[RANDLOVER]

What do politicians and toilets have in common?

Both can lose their seats.

[RANDLOVER]

I heard Trump is slapping tariffs on Easter Island due to all the eggs imported from there lately and the Easter Bunny is being deported to there.

[cripesamighty]

193253

[cripesamighty]

193254

[cripesamighty]

193255

[cripesamighty]

193256

[sashadidi]

How they got the white smoke for the pipe election
193261

[Saitch]

How they got the white smoke for the pipe election
193261

I thought it was this!

193262

[Tins]

I thought it was this!

193262

That could fit with the "pipe" bit.

[d2dave]

A 92 year old man went to the doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 92 year old said, “Things are great, and I’ve never felt better! I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that, doc?"

The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting, but being a bit absent minded, he accidentally forgot to take his ammunition. As he neared a lake, he came across a very nice beaver frolicking at the water’s edge.

By now, he realized he had left his ammo at home, and so, he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Nonetheless, he lifted his favorite hunting rifle, aimed down the sites, and yelled ‘bang bang.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver was slain. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The man scatched his chin thoughtfully, then said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor nodded,

“My thoughts exactly.”

[d2dave]

Bubba the old Redneck from Georgia decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see God’s country.

When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay.
But first, he must find a job:

Bubba walks into an international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector.

It’s his lucky day!

They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.
“See that tree over there, I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.”

Bubba the redneck promptly answers.

“That there’s white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in ‘er.”

The foreman is impressed! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road.

He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question.

This time, it’s a bigger tree of a different class.

Bubba replies. “That’s a loblolly pine and she’s got about 456 clear board feet.”

The foreman is really impressed with the good ol’ boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!

One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again.

This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says. “And what about that one?”

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Bubba says.
“White oak, 242 board feet at best.”

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is.


As they near the office, another foreman stops the truck and asks Bubba to step outside.

He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him.
“See that tree over there?” “I want you to mark an x on the front of that tree!”

The foreman thinks to himself.

“Idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?”

When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground.

He then reaches up and places a big white ‘X’ on the trunk.

He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. “That there’s the front,” Bubba says.


The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically.

“How in the hell do you know that’s the front of the tree?”

The good ol’ boy looks down at his feet while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies.

“Cuz somebody took a s**t behind it.”

Needless to say, he got the job and started the very same day…

[Saitch]

How do you tell the difference between a construction worker and a scientist?








Get them to pronounce 'Unionised'.

[RANDLOVER]

I was driving through a seedy part of town when I got a flat rear tyre, while I was jacking up the car I heard the bonnet open. I went round to the front of the car and found a guy peering into the engine bay, so I said "what are you doing?" and he said "If you are stealing the wheels I'm definitely stealing the battery".

[V8Ian]

That actually happened to my BiL. He was doing a rolling rebuild, turning a family HG into something more befitting an early twenties lad. It had spotlights, lowered suspension and wide, mag wheels.
When stolen, he immediately went to check a local, known dumping site. Finding it there, with only the wheels missing, he quickly recruited a mate to help replacing the original wheels and retrieve the car.
As they were working, another fellow turned up, and told them of a list that he wanted.

[sashadidi]

193314

[sashadidi]

193315

[sashadidi]

193316

[RANDLOVER]

I just want to live in a kinder, gentler world, where a chicken can cross the road without it's motives being questioned

[gofish]

What's the difference between pink & purple ?





Grip [bighmmm][bigwhistle]

[NavyDiver]

My car broke down. I called the RAC who told me my battery maybe flat!


I asked "what shape should it be?"

[RANDLOVER]

I used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body, but then I was born.

[NavyDiver]

193349

[RANDLOVER]

The anagram of customers is store scum.

[NavyDiver]

"Energy prices could lift anywhere from 0.5 per cent to 9.7 per cent in different parts of the national electricity grid, in figures released on Monday.The Australian Energy Regulator (AER) released a default market offer — essentially a price safety net — which limits what retailers can charge customers in New South Wales, South-East Queensland and South Australia.
The prices are meant to protect customers who don't shop around, as well as provide consistency so that people can compare alternative retailers.
The offer takes into account issues like what customers can afford, the cost of the overall system, and the need for the different parts of it to make a profit.
In its report (https://www.aer.gov.au/system/files/2025-05/AER%20-%20Final%20determination%20-%20Default%20market%20offer%20prices%202025%E2%80% 9326%20-%2026%20May%202025.pdf), the operator says the cost-of-living crisis has been among the top of its considerations.
"In setting (prices), one of these matters is electricity affordability, which remains a top cost-of-living issue for households and concern for small businesses and was raised by many stakeholders as part of this process.""

Getting Solar on my new place quick [bigwhistle][bigwhistle][bigwhistle]

[RANDLOVER]

That's not funny, but I think you'll be laughing all the way to the bank if you get solar and batteries as the retailers pay so little for any power you generate.

[austastar]

Hi,
I put solar on the roof in 2014 and have not had any cost since. We accumulated a few $k electric credit till the fuel stove died and had to go fully electric on hearing and hot water. Wood cost about $400 a year .
I changed over to time-of- use tariff recently and am putting a timer on the hot water to maximise cheaper times and use solar that only gets 8 cents kWh if I export it.
I hope that will keep the total cost in the negative range, and justify the cost of a heat pump replacing resistive load radiators.
Cheers https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20250526/6c055dc7b8227466884db14f8ad64a54.jpg

[NavyDiver]

That's not funny, ......

Some are Funny jokes, some are Sick and some are just a JOKE!!!



Did an application for a role a few weeks ago with a Government department here. Applied for 2nd spot advertised with the same Government department. The medicals, police checks and application process took a few days in time and cost several hundred. I just duplicated the same process and costs for the 2nd role giving exactly the same details to the same Government department.

That has to be a JOKE [thumbsupbig][thumbsupbig] Pathetic one I would fully agree

[d2dave]

My car broke down. I called the RAC who told me my battery maybe flat!


I asked "what shape should it be?"

Reminds me of when my son landed his first job in the USA. First day of training the class were all handed tablets

The one my son got did have a flat battery. He put his hand up and announced to the instructor that his tablet was flat.

He said der, we know that. At first he was wondering what sort of idiot do we have here.

In the USA they don't say flat battery. They say that the battery is dead or it has died.

[RANDLOVER]

Some are Funny jokes, some are Sick and some are just a JOKE!!!



Did an application for a role a few weeks ago with a Government department here. Applied for 2nd spot advertised with the same Government department. The medicals, police checks and application process took a few days in time and cost several hundred. I just duplicated the same process and costs for the 2nd role giving exactly the same details to the same Government department.

That has to be a JOKE [thumbsupbig][thumbsupbig] Pathetic one I would fully agree

Hope you get the job, knowing the government you'll probably get both.

[sashadidi]

Elon Musk cant even do an original design

193384

[sashadidi]

193385

[sashadidi]

193403

[sashadidi]

193405

[NavyDiver]

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red

[Saitch]

I'm currently writing a book about beer. At the moment, I'm on my 8th draught.

Unfortunately, I have come to a standstill. I don't know whether it's caused by 'Brewer's Block' or 'Writer's Droop'.

[RANDLOVER]

I'm currently writing a book about beer. At the moment, I'm on my 8th draught.

Unfortunately, I have come to a standstill. I don't know whether it's caused by 'Brewer's Block' or 'Writer's Droop'.

Sorry to hear that you haven't been able to tap into your creative juices and ferment some golden ideas.

[Tins]

He's a little bitter. Tries to hop but can't get ahead.Doesn't know what ales him.

[austastar]

Hi,
Hop to it and stop frothing about or you'll get drafted.

Cheers

[sharmy]

A bloke was pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop asked what's your name? WHITEHALL, where are you from? BOONDALL, where are you going? BLACKHALL, what sort of car is this? VAUXHALL, what's in the boot--------------------Nothing.

[RANDLOVER]

He's a little bitter. Tries to hop but can't get ahead.Doesn't know what ales him.

I'm sure it's no barrel of laughs dealing with a publishing house about a book on beer, when your writing has become stale, they're bound to set a high bar, and pour on the pressure to make sure their delivery date is satisfied, a discussion like that would leave a bad after-taste.

[Eevo]

"The doc told a man that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act."
"The man decided, 'What the hell, I'll try it.'




He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.


Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.


He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, 'What?'



He heard, 'This is the police. What's going on down there?' The man replied, 'I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted.'


'Well,' the cop answered, 'you might as well check your brakes, too, while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.'"

[Eevo]

"An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'"
"'Of course, child,' the priest says. 'What may I do for you?'


'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'


'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'


'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,' she replied.


When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'


'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'


The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'


Father replied, 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.'


Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'"

[Eevo]

"A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'"
"To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'


'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'


He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, 'Why are there three in this package?'


The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'


'Cool,' says the boy. He notices a six pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'


'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.'


'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies:


'Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March...'"

[Eevo]

"A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator."
"'What are you doing?' the mother exclaimed.




The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'


Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.


'What are you doing?!' he exclaimed.




The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'


A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the football on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.


'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.




He replied............'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'"

[RANDLOVER]

From 8 out 10 Cats Does Countdown....

Two ugly sisters from Fordham,
went for a walk out of boredom,
on the way back, a sex maniac,
jumped out a bush but ignored them.

Poor old Alice form flat 82,
passed long before anyone knew,
she died in the loo, her dog ate her too,
and all they found was her shoe.

How might a person who suffers from dyslexia, spell their condition...dailysex.

[gofish]

A bloke is at the doctor's for an eye examination. The doctor calls him in & says, "I need to speak to you about masturbating". The guy says, "oh my God is it sending me blind ?" The doctor replies, "no, but it's making the other patients very uncomfortable. [bigwhistle]

[gofish]

The term lesbian is now deemed politicaly incorrect.....the new word is vagatarian.[bigsad]

[sharmy]

A motorcycle cop pulls over a driver for speeding and askes for his license. the driver says " I haven't got one " where is it says the copper? " i
I've never had one" Is this your car the cop asked "no I stole it" Where is the owner? "I killed him and put him in the boot" The cop pulls out his gun and calls for backup on his radio. Police cars pull up everywhere and an inspector approaches the car and says to the driver "is this your car?" certainly says the driver and hands over registration papers. "Do you have a drivers license?" yes, said the driver and hands over his license. "Open the boot says the inspector" The boot is opened and it is empty. The driver says " I suppose the lying bastard is going to tell I was speeding next"
"

[RANDLOVER]

I'm such a great driver that often in traffic people give me a hand signal to show I'm number one.

[sharmy]

90 year old Lord Ponsonby was getting ready to go to the opera with his equally old mate Caruthers Caruthers when he discovered his snuff box empty. He gave the snuff box and a pound note to his butler James and told him to take it down to the drug store to be filled. James was riding his bike to get the snuff when he hit a pot hole and fell off, dropping the pound note which was blown by the wind into an overgrown block of land. James was crawling around the block on his hands and knees looking unsuccessfully for the pound note mumbling "silly old bugger and his stupid snuff" when he came across a dried up dog ****. It had gone all white and hard so James crunched it up into a fine powder and poured it into the snuff box mumbling " silly old bugger won't notice any difference." Some time later while the two old gentlemen were watching the opera from their private box, Lord Ponsonby took a pinch of snuff. " I say Caruthers, do you smell dog **** in here " no said Caruthers " I have a bad head cold and my nose is all blocked up and I can't smell a thing " Well have a pinch of my snuff, it's good stuff and will clear your head" Thanks said Caruthers and took some snuff. Sniff, sniff, achoo! I say Ponsonby " that is jolly good snuff, I can smell that dog **** now."

[sharmy]

A young block was in his little one bedroom flat near Kings Cross Sydney completely bored, so he grabbed a $50 note and walked up to Kmart and bought a pair of Dunlop sandshoes for $30 and headed back home. On the way home he started feeling a bit randy just as a lovely lady asked if he would like a bit of fun. Oh yes he said but I've only got $20. Bugger off she said I'm not doing it for $20. I'm desperate he said. I don't care how desperate you are I'm not doing it for $20. I've got this pair of sandshoes I have just bought for $30, they are Dunlops and I'll give you them and $20. All
right, business is a bit slow, but I'm not going to do anything, I'm just going to lie there. So they go inside and he is doing his thing when an arm comes over his back then a leg and another arm and another leg. Wow he said I thought you were not going to do anything. Settle down! I'm just trying on these sandshoes.

[RANDLOVER]

Q. What do you call 100 baby sheep rolling down a hill?
A. A lambslide.

[Tins]

Q. What do you call 100 baby sheep rolling down a hill?
A. A lambslide.
I was going to say ‘sheeptrip’ .

[Eevo]

I went to the confessional at church last week, and said "Father, I had sex with 3 women last night".
He said, "Go home and drink the juice of 10 lemons".
I said, "Then I'll be forgiven?".
He replied, "No, but it'll wipe that ****ing smile off your face".

[sashadidi]

193893

[sashadidi]

193894