Jokes

[DiscoMick]

The wife, who pays the bills, mentioned that I'm worth more dead than alive. Then she handed me an unusual drink. Suddenly, I felt very nervous...

[4bee]

Careful. Was it brimming with a green vapour like wot battery acid may do?

[sashadidi]

158761

[Tins]

The wife, who pays the bills, mentioned that I'm worth more dead than alive. Then she handed me an unusual drink. Suddenly, I felt very nervous...

You still in Tassie?? They'll never find the body.

[Blknight.aus]

reminds me of when I was accused of poisening my ex wife by putting a razor in the toilet paper.

said I gave her arse a nick

[bob10]

... was the pun intended ?

[biggrin][bigwhistle][bigrolf]

He who would pun...……


YouTube (https://youtu.be/440l8poSQiA)

[DiscoMick]

You still in Tassie?? They'll never find the body.It's okay, it turned out to be vitamin C. Big relief.

[Tins]

He who would pun...……


YouTube (https://youtu.be/440l8poSQiA)

Great scene from a most underrated movie. Thx, Bob.

[Tins]

It's okay, it turned out to be vitamin C. Big relief.

Vitamin Corona? Hmm...

[4bee]

It's okay, it turned out to be vitamin C. Big relief.

Affected your bowels did it? Pheeeeww, that was a near run thing.

[sashadidi]

158830

[NavyDiver]

https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/sites/14/2018/09/01-Short-Jokes-Anyone-Can-Remember-nicole-fornabaio-rd.com_.jpg

[4bee]

[smilebigeye] Not as silly as it looks first off.

No Supermarkets, no punchups, no racial brawls, et al.

It doesn't appear as if wiping his arse would present a problem.

[NavyDiver]

My small son was in the chemist with me. He was very interested in the bright packaging of packets of Condoms. A bit taken back I decided to be a good dad and simply be honest and explain contraception and adults making love not babies.

He asked about a packet of 3. I told him the pack of three was for young gents. One for Friday, One for Saturday and One for Sunday.

He asked about a packet of 6- I explained that's for university or 20 year olds- Two for Friday, Two for Saturday and Two for Sunday
Very enthusiastically he then asked about a packet of 12 - That for married people. One for January, One for Feb.......[biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

[4bee]

Good come back Divs. [bigrolf]

[sashadidi]

158841

[sashadidi]

158842

[Eevo]

My wife insists she doesn't want to go to the 80's pop fancy dress party.


But I remain Adamant.

[sashadidi]

A friend with contacts in China has advised me not to get Covid-19 but wait for September when Covid-20 Pro will be released

[sashadidi]

158855

[sashadidi]

158856

[4bee]

A friend with contacts in China has advised me not to get Covid-19 but wait for September when Covid-20 Pro will be released

I bet they'll be cheeky enough to charge for the Upgrade.[bigrolf]

[sashadidi]

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the
head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

[pop058]

158873

[PhilipA]

Is that bribery for voting best in show?

Our local picture theatre was giving away a toilet roll to every attendee last week.

Indicates they were hoarding.

[4bee]

Is that bribery for voting best in show?

Our local picture theatre was giving away a toilet roll to every attendee last week.

Indicates they were hoarding.



......either that or were prepared for some of the **** movies they seem to show these days. [bigrolf]

[Fifth Columnist]

My wife is very upset with me. She found some letters I’d been hiding. She says she feels betrayed and has lost all trust in me.
I can’t say I blame her; I feel so ashamed…

I wouldn’t be surprised if she never plays Scrabble with me again.

[DeeJay]

I think I did a wonderful good Samaritan act today. So I did a massive shop earlier as there was a big delivery in . Bought loo rolls, pasta ,bread ,Soup , hand gel- the lot . My trolley was absolutely full. Then I saw this old man behind me with only two things . He looked sad and said “I’ve only managed to get a box of Kleenex and a bag of nuts everything else is gone “😞 . I felt terrible . Here I am with all this stuff waiting in line and this poor old man had hardly anything at all . So I did the right thing and said to him “go on mate , you go in front , you’ve only got two things 😬 .

[RANDLOVER]

Just got stopped by a cop at a road block with flashing lights, traffic cones, etc. he said "This is the Booze Bus"
I said "Great, I'll have a rum and coke".

[V8Ian]

My Grandfather had a saying, "As one door closes, another door opens." He was a wonderful man, but a hopeless cabinet maker.

[4bee]

That is a bastard when that happens but I don't think they fit enough vents so it pressurises & pops the door.


Ah I see what you mean.[bigrolf] [wink11]

[sashadidi]

158898

[sashadidi]

158899

[sashadidi]

Must see (https://m.facebook.com/story.php'story_fbid=10215464989567279&id=1514387711'sfnsn=mo&d=n&vh=i)

[Eevo]

My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

[RANDLOVER]

I bought some recycled toilet paper the other day, which got me thinking, the recycling company must have a wonderfully delicate cycle on their washing machines, and how they hang it to dry without it falling apart really amazes me.

[sashadidi]

158941

[sashadidi]

158942

[sashadidi]

158943

[sashadidi]

158944

[sashadidi]

158945

[austastar]

Hi,
Images not loading for me.
Cheershttps://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200325/a2b0201a7e3f846ee88dc75881648ca1.jpg

[V8Ian]

158941
That's just Loo Choo, calling his brother. [bigrolf]

[jx2mad]

A large department store had a vacancy for a door greeter. Having received a large number of replies to the add the manager finally reduced the number of applicants to four. Asking them to come in for an interview he sat them around a table and said that he only needed the answer to one question, which he would ask each one. Turning to the first applicant he asked him the say what he thought the fastest thing on earth was. The man sat for a moment and said that it was a thought. Thoughts pop into your mind immediately. The manager said that was a good answer, then asked the second man. He said that it was a blink. Blinks come and go without having to think about them. The manager was impressed. The third man said that he was brought up on a country property and there was a switch near the back door that when thrown would make the light in the farm shed come on. So electricity was the fastest. The manager was greatly impressed with this mans thinking. When asked, the fourth man sat for a moment and said one word, "diarrhea". The manager was taken aback with this answer and asked him to explain. So the man said that a couple of weeks ago he had been feeling pretty crook. Getting a sudden urge to get to the toilet he made a fast run. However before he could think, blink or turn the light on...it was too late. He got the job

[Homestar]

158977

[sashadidi]

158979

[sashadidi]

158981

[sashadidi]

158982

[Tins]

158977

That's bad. Really bad...

[sashadidi]

158988

[sashadidi]

158989

[sashadidi]

159004

[sashadidi]

159005

[Xtreme]

Coronavirus is the best thing that could happen to a bloke:


The wife does not want to travel.
She doesn’t want to buy anything because everything comes from China.
She does not go to the shopping centre for fear of being infected.
She spends all day and night with her mouth covered.

This is not a virus, it is a salvation .

[p38arover]

Can I forward that to your wife Roger?

[V8Ian]

Can I forward that to your wife Roger?
Not before you correct the spelling, shopping center! [bighmmm]

[Xtreme]

Can I forward that to your wife Roger?
Go ahead Ron but as she's in isolation hopefully won't reach her. [bigwhistle]

[4bee]

Can I forward that to your wife Roger?


His missus's name is Roger? Weird or wot?[smilebigeye]

[Tins]

Not before you correct the spelling, shopping center! [bighmmm]

Unless you are American, centre is correct, Ian.

[DiscoMick]

Just saw someone water skiing. Is waterskiing an approved activity? At least the skiier was more than 1.5 metres from the boat driver, unlike the young couple who were hugging and kissing in the nearby parked car.

[V8Ian]

Unless you are American, centre is correct, Ian.
But we're not bloody Yanks, John.

[Saitch]

But we're not bloody Yanks, John.

Look, I know it doesn't take much but, you have me confused on this, Ian.

[V8Ian]

Look, I know it doesn't take much but, you have me confused on this, Ian.
Huh :confused::question:

[Xtreme]

Look, I know it doesn't take much but, you have me confused on this, Ian.

I'm the one who caused the confusion as I corrected the spelling in the original post to keep Ian happy.

[Ancient Mariner]

Look, I know it doesn't take much but, you have me confused on this, Ian. metwo[biggrin]

[V8Ian]

I'm the one who caused the confusion as I corrected the spelling in the original post to keep Ian happy.
Thanks Roger, for the welcome distraction from darned Corona posts. [smilebigeye]

[Eevo]

Two men are in hospital tonight after a dare to sniff curry powder went horribly wrong.


One has a bad Tikka, and the other is in a Korma.

[sashadidi]

Just a heads up, if you get an email from the Department for Health saying not to eat tinned pork because it contains Covid-19 ignore it. It’s spam

[bob10]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing."We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!"The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,"The word was CELEBRATE!"

[V8Ian]

Where was Ron when he was really needed. [biggrin]

[sashadidi]

159038

[sashadidi]

159039

[Tins]

But we're not bloody Yanks, John.

My point exactly. Centre is used in most English speaking countries, of which there are many. Center is used by people educated by Sesame Street ( no, Not the Hume highway ), and usually reside in the US.

[Blknight.aus]

Where was Ron when he was really needed. [biggrin]

probably there, the word was spelt correctly so it passed muster

[V8Ian]

probably there, the word was spelt correctly so it passed muster
But if he'd done the initial proofreading.............[bigwhistle]

[Tins]

But if he'd done the initial proofreading.............[bigwhistle]

The world would be a VERY different place if those concerned could have had a knees up, or words to that effect..

[Blknight.aus]

But if he'd done the initial proofreading.............[bigwhistle]

probably did...

I always wondered how far things could get pushed with a good dose of vindicism from the linquists.

guess we found out.

[V8Ian]

probably did...

I always wondered how far things could get pushed with a good dose of vindicism from the linquists.

guess we found out.
Cruel and unnatural punishment.

[NavyDiver]

159060

Hand sanitizer

[DeeJay]

159061

[Eevo]

My grandfather always used to say, " When one door closes another door opens ".


Great man, poor cabinetmaker.

[V8Ian]

That was funny the first time round, only a few pages back.

[Eevo]

That was funny the first time round, only a few pages back.

forgot where im up to in the joke book.

[Eevo]

99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people.

[V8Ian]

forgot where im up to in the joke book.
You didn't post it.

[windsock]

99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people.

and there are two other types of people...

1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data

[Chenz]

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling
wife, who is definitely not happy. “Where the hell have been all night” she demands. “At this
fantastic new bar” he says. “It’s called the Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. Its got huge
golden doors, a golden floor and what’s more the urinal’s gold.”
The wife doesn’t believe him and the next day she checks the phone book and finds a listing for The
Golden Saloon, which is on the other side of town.
She rings the number to check out her husbands story and she asks “Is this the Golden Saloon” when
a male answers the phone. “Yes it is” replies the man.
She asks, “Do you have golden doors.” He says, “We certainly do.”
She then asks whether the floor is golden and the man says, “We most certainly do.”
“What about golden urinals” the wife asks.
There is a long pause and then she hears the man yelling out, “He Duke, I think I’ve got a lead on the
guy who ****ed in your saxophone last night.”

[67hardtop]

99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people.Shouldn't that be 0.1%?? 1[emoji1787][emoji1787][emoji1787]

[Eevo]

Shouldn't that be 0.1%?? 1[emoji1787][emoji1787][emoji1787]

that was the joke lol

[jx2mad]

https://scontent.fsyd8-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p552x414/91065107_10216404665256214_1605982593751187456_n.j pg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_oc=AQlXz61eHZwTlY3wPk8bRYTUDu8d42Hy23s99A0oyv1 OktOvIaR6WQ3xbeb0JWp3O9QcUfpjNW39j2GXuwzioDI8&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd8-1.fna&_nc_tp=6&oh=60ef2d399d6659752130b2f4e180d965&oe=5EAA646F

[Saitch]

...

[sashadidi]

159139

[Eevo]

For her birthday, I bought my daughter an elephant for her room.


She said, "Thanks dad ".


I said, "Don't mention it ".

[4bee]

forgot where im up to in the joke book.


Joke BOOK! You told us you didn't have a book now make up your mind.[bigrolf]

[Gav 110]

Bottle Shops closing as of midnight (https://www.cyberdistribution.com.au/bottle-shops-to-close)

[Saitch]

Bottle Shops closing as of midnight (https://www.cyberdistribution.com.au/bottle-shops-to-close)

That wasn't funny, Gav. Not funny at all!:bat::bat::bat::bat::bat::bat:................ ...:lol2:

[Dorian]

Did you know I like dad jokes about eyes?
The cornea the better.

[Gav 110]

That wasn't funny, Gav. Not funny at all!:bat::bat::bat::bat::bat::bat:................ ...:lol2:

I didn’t find it funny either
The missus thought it was so I thought I’d share the pain

[Eevo]

I heard today that a yacht builder from Port Melbourne has been made to work from home.


His sails have gone through the roof.

[jonesfam]

Hi guys, Covid - 19 WARNING !! Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave, toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.
The hoover was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!
The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip.😬
The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ........yes, you guessed it 😝.....pull myself together
Stay Safe and look after yourselves.
I hope this put a little bit of a smile on your face .

[4bee]

Thanks Jonsey it certainly did, at first I though you might be going Troppo. All we need now is for you & eevo to fall out over who can tell e'm better in the printed form. [bigrolf]

[V8Ian]

Hi guys, Covid - 19 WARNING !! Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave, toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.
The hoover was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!
The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip.😬
The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ........yes, you guessed it 😝.....pull myself together
Stay Safe and look after yourselves.
I hope this put a little bit of a smile on your face .


At a bit of a loose end, eh Paul? [bigrolf]

Thanks Jonsey it certainly did, at first I though you might be going Troppo. All we need now is for you & eevo to fall out over who can tell e'm better. [bigrolf]
No contest, Des.

[Xtreme]

I’m really concerned about my washing - one moment it’s just hanging around, but next it’s in a flap.
I tried talking-to the mower, but it just cuts me off at every turn, the whipper-snipper is really on-edge, and the garden fork gives me the same pitch every time.
That shovel, however, has absolutely no scruples - it keeps 'digging up the dirt in spades, forever looking for some new ‘scoop’ - the last thing it told me was that the shed had lost all its hair and was so embarrassed that it wouldn’t come into the house, but had self-isolated at the bottom of the yard.

[sierrafery]

Guyz. If yu gets a link called "free porn" don opin it.
It iz a chaineez birus wich deactivaits your spelcheck and garblis up you riting.
I also receibed it bat lukily I dont liks porn so I dint opin it.
Plaese worn yor frends
Kip Saif

[sashadidi]

Corona advice: If you keep a glass of vodka in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face. Stay safe.

[gofish]

Went to the supermarket this morning and watched a guy purchase a piñata, some paella and a sombrero.

I thought to myself... Hispanic buying.

[gofish]

My wife yelled from upstairs,
"Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it with pins?"
Sounding concerned, I replied "No."

"How about now?"

[Eevo]

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. But other times I let her sleep in.

[rick130]

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. But other times I let her sleep in.

The then SWMBO wasn't impressed when I used that one a long time ago [bigwhistle]

She also didn't appreciate the No Fear sticker on the rear of my race car tow vehicle.

I live with fear everyday.
But sometimes she lets me race..... [biggrin]

[sashadidi]

159293

[Dorian]

Dad - So your fed up with my dad jokes, what should I do to stop?
Family - Whatever means necessary.
Dad - No it doesn't.

[TasD90]

Donald Trump announces to press conference, "I don't like to boast but I completed a jigsaw puzzle in seven days and it said two to five years on the packet".

[p38arover]

Stolen from FullFatRR forum.

I suspect this may be a true story - my wife thinks it is.

------------------------------------------------
Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Colour of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Range Rover

Sergeant:
What kind of Rangie was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
Range Rover, Super Charged
Ambient Lighting pack - , Front and rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, drive select, parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - , Non smoking pack

(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your fatty

[p38arover]

I suspect this may be a true story - my wife thinks it is.

When we go to the local shops, she goes to Woolies and I go to check our PO box. When I get to Woolies, I walk up and down across the aisles, looking down each one but I can never remember what she was wearing so I have trouble finding her. So I ring her to find out in which aisle she is located.

[pop058]

When we go to the local shops, she goes to Woolies and I go to check our PO box. When I get to Woolies, I walk up and down across the aisles, looking down each one but I can never remember what she was wearing so I have trouble finding her. So I ring her to find out in which aisle she is located.

You are not Robinson Crusoe 😁

[RANDLOVER]

A staffer comes into the Oval Office and says to Donald Trump "A Brazilian has just died from COVID-19." Trump's face turns white (actually a paler shade of orange) and he says "Oh that's terrible.....How many million is a Brazilian again?"

[4bee]

You are not Robinson Crusoe 😁I

If he was he'd probably find her in the Dessert Aisle .. Desert Ilse . Get it?[bigrolf]

[Saitch]

I

If he was he'd probably find her in the Dessert Aisle .. Desert Ilse . Get it?[bigrolf]

Nuh? Maybe because it's not Friday!

[4bee]

No? What is that saying about two planks & the length of same?

But then I thought my Joky thing was ****ing hilarious.[bigrolf]

[Eevo]

Why did the blind man fall down the well?


Because he couldn’t see that well.

[Dorian]

What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?

Ian.

[V8Ian]

What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?

Ian.
I resemble that remark. [biggrin]

[gofish]

An old man asks his wife: "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

[Eevo]

Just passed my interview for a guillotine operator in France.
I'll beheading there shortly.

[Eevo]

I have figured out how to get women to say yes.
Ask "Am I bothering you?"
They say "Yes".

[sashadidi]

How to break lockdown Russian style where if you walk your pets for exercise you can leave your apartment for 100 metres..
Take your cat for a walk in the snow...

https://mobile.twitter.com/olliecarroll/status/1248247764019843072

[gofish]

I've recently been dating a homeless woman. Things are getting serious. She wants me to move out with her.

[gofish]

Barrack Obama, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in an airplane that crashes.

Next thing you know they're up in heaven and standing before God.

God addresses Barrack first: "Barrack... what do you believe in?"

Barrack replies "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFC's and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die". God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left".

God then addresses Hillary Clinton: " Hillary, what do you believe in?"

Hillary replies "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain".

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right".

God then address Donald Trump: "Donald, what do you believe?" Donald replies "I believe you're in my chair!"

[ramblingboy42]

Blonde goes to the doctor

"Doctor...it hurts when I press here," she says, touching her side...

"and it hurts here too, " as she presses her arm...

"and here , and here , and here ", as she presses other parts of her body.

After a full examination , she asks him, "what's wrong with me?"

the doctor says..."you have a broken finger."

[superquag]

How to break lockdown Russian style where if you walk your pets for exercise you can leave your apartment for 100 metres..
Take your cat for a walk in the snow...

https://mobile.twitter.com/olliecarroll/status/1248247764019843072

And the other video.... taking Social Distancing to a whole new (orbital...) level - Outta this world, you might say.[bigwhistle]

https://twitter.com/i/status/1248272153499312131

[ramblingboy42]

2 bananas were lying on a riverbank when a turd came floating by...

the turd looked over at the 2 bananas and said,"come on in the waters fine"...

1 banana turned to 2 banana and said, "really...can you believe that ****?"

[gofish]

As if it wasn't bad enough being Dyslexic, now I've got the Racoon virus.

[sashadidi]

159489

[Eevo]

I told my wife that husbands are like wine, they get better with age.


So she's locked me in the cellar.

[4bee]

I told my wife that husbands are like wine, they get better with age.


So she's locked me in the cellar.


You lucky, lucky bastard! I hope that happened after you brought in your Autumn/Winter stock of Adelaide Hills Reds? Oh bugger it, whites too.

[Eevo]

Someone threw a huge bottle of Omega 3 pills at me last night.


I'm fine though, only super fish oil injuries.

[jonesfam]

Not long after marrage I took off my wedding ring.
My wife asked why I dont wear my wedding ring?
I told her "It cuts of my circulation."
She said,
"It's supposed to!"

[sashadidi]

Doing the DYI the wife wanted me to do today......

https://mobile.twitter.com/holdmyale/status/1248617882461696001

[Eevo]

This morning I spotted an albino Dalmatian.


It was the least I could do for the poor thing

[Xtreme]

So technically showing up at the bank in a mask and gloves is OK now.

[Xtreme]

I'm giving up drinking for a month.

Sorry, bad punctuation.

I'm giving up. Drinking for a month.

[p38arover]

And people wonder why punctuation is important! [bigwhistle]

[superquag]

And people wonder why punctuation is important! [bigwhistle]

And people, - wonder why punctuation is important! [biggrin]

[V8Ian]

And here was I thinking that starting a sentence with and, was grammatically incorrect. [bigwhistle]

[Eevo]

And here was I thinking that starting a sentence with and, was grammatically incorrect. [bigwhistle]
but thats not punctuation.

[4bee]

And does it really matter a toss? If the sentence is understood that has to be a win.[smilebigeye]

[V8Ian]

Wotcha mean?

[Saitch]

Wotcha mean?

That will put Ron into a self induced comma!

[vnx205]

And does it really matter a toss? If the sentence is understood that has to be a win.[smilebigeye]

Of course it matter. That is the whole point of the post that started this discussion. Without the correct punctuation, the sentence may not be understood or interpreted correctly.

Further examples of how different punctuation changes the meaning:

Mary said, "John is a fool."

VS

"Mary," said John, "is a fool."

and

Let's eat Grandma.

VS

Let's eat, Grandma.

[Eevo]

help Jack off a horse
help jack off a horse

[vnx205]

This sign probably needs some punctuation to make the meaning clear.

159650

[4bee]

Of course it matter. That is the whole point of the post that started this discussion. Without the correct punctuation, the sentence may not be understood or interpreted correctly.

Further examples of how different punctuation changes the meaning:

Mary said, "John is a fool."

VS

"Mary," said John, "is a fool."

and

Let's eat Grandma.

VS

Let's eat, Grandma.



Silly me, thinking we were discussing using AND at the beginning of a sentence.

Is not covered by your explanation is it?

[Blknight.aus]

That will put Ron into a self induced comma!

nothing to be worried about, you need gear to do that, Ron's will be broken. Weave got thyme two sorte it aught,

[rovers4]

The use of correct punctuation and spelling is always preferred as the written word cannot carry the vocal inflections and visual clues given when speaking to someone direct.

By not using the correct punctuation the completely wrong message can be sent.
It can also make the sentence into nonsense.

Incorrect spelling can also give the wrong meaning, as well as possibly sending someone in the wrong line of action.

While the writer knows what they want to say, the reader comes to the discussion completely cold and has to hang on to every letter to get the message. So any error can really disturb the thought pattern.

The English language is full of words that sound the same but have different meanings, plus words that sound the same while having different spellings, and there are some that have the same spelling but are said differently and also have different meanings.

So, get it wrong and the reader/listener can be playing a game of guesswork.

The addition of typos only adds to the confusion.

[vnx205]

Silly me, thinking we were discussing using AND at the beginning of a sentence.

Is not covered by your explanation is it?

Sorry.

Sometimes things move so quickly I can't keep up.[bigsmile]

[superquag]

The use of correct punctuation and spelling is always preferred as the written word cannot carry the vocal inflections and visual clues given when speaking to someone direct.

By not using the correct punctuation the completely wrong message can be sent.
..........................

So, get it wrong and the reader/listener can be playing a game of guesswork.

The addition of typos only adds to the confusion.

- Alas, so do apostrophes'.... for some. [bigwhistle][bigwhistle][bigwhistle][biggrin]


(We clearly need a new emoticon, 'Tongue in cheek' )

[Eevo]

The book I ordered about clocks finally arrived today.


It's about time.

[Eevo]

does anyone got any books on how to repair an automatic gearbox?
I went to the library but they only had manuals!

[bob10]

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"No Way" says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

[superquag]

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"No Way" says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Told a version of that to my Wife and (impending) Daughter-in-Law. Poor child had difficulty in handling such ripper 'Dad' joke.
[biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

[Eevo]

After being chairman of the local ladder appreciation society for the past few years, I have decided it's time to step down.

[Blknight.aus]

After being chairman of the local ladder appreciation society for the past few years, I have decided it's time to step down.

as a member of the same society I wonder if this is my opportunity to step up?

[windsock]

as a member of the same society I wonder if this is my opportunity to step up?

I think it should be folded and put away awhile. It has leant on the support of the wall for far too long now. :Thump:

[67hardtop]

Sounds like you're trying to climb the ladder to success...

[4bee]

One assumes you have rung the other members with your decision?

[Saitch]

I only have a step ladder. I've never met my real one![bigsad]

[4bee]

That is sad, do you not have family extensions?

[jspyle]

I thought this might be better in this thread than the corona thread.
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200418/f79736bade2a5df920277006a8085d8a.jpg

[Eevo]

I got a job in a factory making chess pieces.


This week I'm on knights.

[Eevo]

except I was caught watching pawn on my meal break.

it was rookie error

[spudfan]

Q.What is the difference between the people who live in Dubai and the people who live in Abu Dhabi?

A.The people who live in Dubai do not like the Flintstones whereas the people who live in Abu Dhabi do.

[Hoges]

2 bananas were lying on a riverbank when a turd came floating by...

the turd looked over at the 2 bananas and said,"come on in the waters fine"...

1 banana turned to 2 banana and said, "really...can you believe that ****?"

Water was like that in the " old" days with the sewer outflows off Sydney beaches. Surfers still swam undeterred[bighmmm][bigwhistle]

[RHS58]

Water was like that in the " old" days with the sewer outflows off Sydney beaches. Surfers still swam undeterred[bighmmm][bigwhistle]

They weren’t swimming.
They were going through the motions.

[rick130]

Water was like that in the " old" days with the sewer outflows off Sydney beaches. Surfers still swam underturd[bighmmm][bigwhistle]

Fixed it for you [emoji16]

[4bee]

Water was like that in the " old" days with the sewer outflows off Sydney beaches. Surfers still swam undeterred[bighmmm][bigwhistle]

[biggrin] I saw what you did there.

[Eevo]

The police came to my house last night.


They asked me if I was familiar with the letters HB?


I said, "No I'm not". They said, "How about SA?".


I said, "No". They said, "What about XL? or AZ?".


I said, "Hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?".


They said, "No, these are just initial enquiries".

[Chenz]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her adult class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' Pencil, however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'"
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each adult group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:


1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('el computador'), because:


1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won

[jerryd]

I went for a Chinese last night and got chatting to the waiter, he told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a kamikaze pilot code named ''Chow Mein''
I said, ''Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives ??''
To which he replied, ''Yes, but I was Chicken Chow Mein'' [bigwhistle]

[Xtreme]

It's like being 17 again, fuel is cheap and I'm grounded. :wallbash:

[Eevo]

I once lived just a stones throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries

[bob10]

From Westprint friday 5 .



Something to lighten up the current Covid crisis.

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem

.I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social distancing from the refrigerator.

Still haven't decided where to go for my next holiday - The Living Room or The Bedroom

Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Home-schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job

.I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Daylight Savings Time to the Twilight Zone

This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog.....we laughed a lot

Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet

.I'm so excited - it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 5 of Home-schooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

Day 6 of Home-schooling: My child just said: "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

[Eevo]

I was struggling to get my wife’s attention.


So I simply sat down and looked comfortable.


That did the trick.

[Eevo]

Freddie Mercury once smashed two bottles of wine, however this didn't satisfy him.


Afterwards he said, "I want to break three."

[RANDLOVER]

A friend worked on a lot of building sites and he knew a guy who used to offer a "Concrete Guarantee" which went like this, "The guarantee is over as soon as I step off this concrete."

[superquag]

Apologies if you've heard this one, but in lockdown...



Barry and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Qantas Aircraft mechanics in
Melbourne .

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this
more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth '

[Blknight.aus]

A friend worked on a lot of building sites and he knew a guy who used to offer a "Concrete Guarantee" which went like this, "The guarantee is over as soon as I step off this concrete."

that sounds a lot like my 30x30 concrete guarantee.

its guaranteed to till 30 seconds after you start it, till I'm 30 feet from it or until it leaves or I leave the slab of concrete it was fixed on, whichever comes first.

some people like to observe that usually I'm fixing them on dirt, grass, gravel, asphalt or bricks in which case, you dont get a guarentee.

[V8Ian]

https://youtu.be/35FgHRaOnnQ

[donh54]

I was struggling to get my wife’s attention.


So I simply sat down and looked comfortable.


That did the trick.Spoken like a true married man!

[DiscoMick]

Works every time for me. In fact, it's happening right now. "Coming dear."

[V8Ian]

About 30 years ago I was sitting with some blokes around a fire in the Kimberley when the 70 something cockie appears with his dog – a beautiful Weimaraner (pretty unusual in the bush). After getting himself comfortable and downing the first of many free beers we offered, he responded to a comment about how come he had such a classy dog.
“Well my daughter brought him back from Perth as a pup but left within the year to go to university so I sort of inherited him. I have had many dogs over the years but Rufus is by far the smartest. I often have blokes like you and inevitably there is a smart arse in the group. We had one last year.
“How can that show-pony be smarter than a Kelpie or Blue Healer?”
“Well, he is as good as another person at times and I always take him with me. I will give you an example.
I see you have a billy ready to go on the fire and stuff out for your breakfast so I will get Rufus to boil an egg for me”
The bloke of course said bullcrap.
“Rufus egg”
Rufus went across to where the eggs and bacon were sitting ready to cook, picked up an egg in his mouth and dropped it in the billy. Now I am sure he could have put the billy on the fire but I did not want him to burn himself so I positioned it on the edge with the handle on the outside so it would not get hot.
After a few minutes I said, “Rufus egg”
Rufus went over and with a careful pull on the handle pulled the billy over and the egg rolled out on the ground. Now Rufus is really smart so he waited for a minute or so before gently touching it with his foot. After a couple of tests he reckoned it was cool enough to pick up in his mouth, which he did and brought it over, gently placing it at my feet.
“So how smart is that?” I said to this bloke.
“All he did was tip the billy over. How are you going to eat it, you don’t have an egg-cup?”
“Rufus egg.”
With that Rufus leaned forward and stood vertical on his head.

[V8Ian]

Was talking to an old fisherman (Saitch) and asked him about the biggest one he ever caught. He said that he was fishing in a waterhole up near Walcha once and hooked a big perch. Now it was a deep hole and when he landed the fish, it was gravel rashed on the belly and sun burnt on the back.

I asked him what tackle he had used to land the bloody thing. "Well son, I had a telegraph pole for a rod, a snig chain for a trace, a wool hook on the end and the ham off a sand-fly for bait. When I got it to the bank, I had to borrow my mates semi to take it to town, but there was no room on the truck for my gear, so I had to go back out to collect it. On the way, I noticed the road was all corragated by the tail flapping up and down on the road. When we filleted it, they got 9 miles of white posts out of the ribcage.

I asked him what it weighed and his answer was, "Too big to weigh young fella, but we took a photo and the negative weighed 5 kilos."

[4bee]

Cripes! I suppose it may have already crossed your mind but do you think the olde Fisherman may have been ****ing in your ear, Son?


Sorry to break the magic spell.


There is no flamin' way a negative could ever weigh 5kg. Ever. I realise it depends on the camera an' all but it could never weigh any more than 3kg so I call Bull****.. [bighmmm] [bigrolf]


You must be really naive.:Rolling:

[V8Ian]

My mate, Steve don't tell no fibs! [bighmmm] I don't fink.

[4bee]

My mate, Steve don't tell no fibs! [bighmmm] I don't fink.

Wot's the betting his indoors has been told a few porkies though?[bigrolf]

[superquag]

About 30 years ago I was sitting with some blokes around a fire in the Kimberley when the 70 something cockie appears with his dog – a beautiful Weimaraner (pretty unusual in the bush). After getting himself comfortable and downing the first of many free beers we offered, he responded to a comment about how come he had such a classy dog.
“Well my daughter brought him back from Perth as a pup but left within the year to go to university so I sort of inherited him. I have had many dogs over the years but Rufus is by far the smartest. I often have blokes like you and inevitably there is a smart arse in the group. We had one last year.
“How can that show-pony be smarter than a Kelpie or Blue Healer?”
“Well, he is as good as another person at times and I always take him with me. I will give you an example.
I see you have a billy ready to go on the fire and stuff out for your breakfast so I will get Rufus to boil an egg for me”
The bloke of course said bullcrap.
“Rufus egg”
Rufus went across to where the eggs and bacon were sitting ready to cook, picked up an egg in his mouth and dropped it in the billy. Now I am sure he could have put the billy on the fire but I did not want him to burn himself so I positioned it on the edge with the handle on the outside so it would not get hot.
After a few minutes I said, “Rufus egg”
Rufus went over and with a careful pull on the handle pulled the billy over and the egg rolled out on the ground. Now Rufus is really smart so he waited for a minute or so before gently touching it with his foot. After a couple of tests he reckoned it was cool enough to pick up in his mouth, which he did and brought it over, gently placing it at my feet.
“So how smart is that?” I said to this bloke.
“All he did was tip the billy over. How are you going to eat it, you don’t have an egg-cup?”
“Rufus egg.”
With that Rufus leaned forward and stood vertical on his head.
They're letting me out next week....160332

[vnx205]

There is no flamin' way a negative could ever weigh 5kg. Ever. I realise it depends on the camera an' all but it could never weigh any more than 3kg so I call Bull****.. [bighmmm] [bigrolf]


You must be really naive.:Rolling:

I believe the negative for this camera weighed more than that. :)

https://assets.atlasobscura.com/media/W1siZiIsInVwbG9hZHMvYXNzZXRzLzVlY2FjYmVjLTQ5YTEtNG VhMy1iNDU4LTA2Y2I0YWUyMzZiOTk5MzY5ZTAyYWQwMzYzNzc1 Y19sYXdyZW5jZS5qcGciXSxbInAiLCJjb252ZXJ0IiwiIl0sWy JwIiwiY29udmVydCIsIi1xdWFsaXR5IDgxIC1hdXRvLW9yaWVu dCJdLFsicCIsInRodW1iIiwiMTI4MHg-Il1d/lawrence.jpg

In 1900, Photographing an Entire Train Required the World’s Biggest Camera - Atlas Obscura (https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/worlds-biggest-camera)

[4bee]

I should have qualified my statement by saying a Digital Camera, ok VN?[bighmmm]:Rolling:

[speleomike]

Hi


I should have qualified my statement by saying a Digital Camera, ok VN?[bighmmm]:Rolling:

Geez I never thought about that. I wonder where my negatives are from all the pics I have taken with my digital camera? They never did appear in my folder when I downloaded the positives. Maybe they stay in the camera?

Mike

[4bee]

[bigrolf] Don't tell me, you threw away that little black plastic square do-dad that fell out? I bet it has happened.[biggrin]

[bob10]

https://ci3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/3eZzAQws8JwbfOus28cL926ILVkpJ0V4GCH5Qz-g4Snio2Xh0V30SWRpYtktGXTkjYPsGL97QQ1PwwyE2yBHUE3Jz WpFvnE7ESbCwa3uNBUxCVombLm5CQ=s0-d-e1-ft#https://www.westprint.com.au/pub/media/wysiwyg/ffpics/2020/wilson.jpg

After all the many stupid things I’ve done in my life…if I die because I touched my face, I am going to be seriously annoyed.

2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people

.The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

You think it’s bad now? In 20 years, our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers…

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighbourhood! Those are your neighbours without makeup and their natural hair colour!

Day 15 at home and the dog is looking at me like, ‘See? This is why I chew the furniture!

’Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

I never thought the comment ‘I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole’ would become a national policy, but here we are!

I swear my fridge just said, ‘what the hell do you want now?

’Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told ‘no’ if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?

[Eevo]

My wife thought she saw some bread that had been named after me.


But it actually said "Thick cut".

[DeeJay]

160464

[V8Ian]

[bigrolf] Evil.

[Eevo]

Just in time for May the 4th day, Harrison Ford has released a CD of songs based on the Star Wars trilogy.


It's his first Solo album.

[DiscoMick]

Not a joke, but I thought it was funny. The 3 year old granddaughter Miranda and I had this conversation today:

Miranda: A bee sniffed my butt butt.
Me: Really - a bee?
Miranda: Yes, but it's gone now.

So, I'm still wondering what really happened.
[emoji53]

[sashadidi]

160477

[DiscoMick]

160477That's very funny, but some people may actually believe it is true.

[4bee]

Not a joke, but I thought it was funny. The 3 year old granddaughter Miranda and I had this conversation today:

Miranda: A bee sniffed my butt butt.
Me: Really - a bee?
Miranda: Yes, but it's gone now.

So, I'm still wondering what really happened.
[emoji53]


Wonder no more Michael . A bee landed on her strides/dress & was monitored by her ALDI rear view camera through her Moby APP.. Simples.

:Rolling:

[NavyDiver]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EXD-3SIWoAIBvwx?format=jpg&name=large

[sashadidi]

160491

[RHS58]

160477

And don’t forget the spare!

[Eevo]

I had a bit of a nasty accident at the sawmill today.


My other half reckons I should sue for compensation.

[sashadidi]

160501

[Eevo]

In every month, there is a either a Greg or Ian celebrating their birthday.....
Must be the Gregorian Calender.

[ramblingboy42]

can Greg or Ian chant?

[ChookD2]

Q. Why don't blind people bungy jump?

A. It scares the crap out of the dogs.

[Homestar]

I love the way the earth rotates.

It really makes my day.

[Fausto79]

Some persian guy tried to pick a fight with me.

I ran

[Fausto79]

Went looking for a house with old period features.

She hates it when i call her that.

[Fausto79]

Man goes into bookstore and asks “do you have that self help guide for men with small penises?”

Girl replies “it’s not in yet”

Man says “yes! That’s the one!”

[sierrafery]

https://i.postimg.cc/sXMLbgCP/Black-cock.jpg

[sashadidi]

160628

[sashadidi]

160629

[gofish]

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said "40".

[gofish]

Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.

[Hogarthde]

Duh..... took me at least a minute to get the sheep count🧐

[sashadidi]

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

[sashadidi]

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any
trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

[sashadidi]

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for
freedom until they are flashing behind you

[sashadidi]

160664

[sashadidi]

160665g

[sashadidi]

160666

[jx2mad]

What are the two pears protecting?

[gofish]

I saw this a while ago but didn't know where to post it. Thought this guy was really funny. Sorry if it's a re-post...enjoy.

YouTube (https://youtu.be/R_USJCTIgs4)

[gofish]

What's worse than waking-up with a penis drawn on your face ?
Finding out it was traced [bigsad]

[4bee]

or Tattooed. "Yep it's there for keeps matey"[bigrolf].

[Eevo]

https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/96248390_154347222769766_5519658674785615872_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=108&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_ohc=po2srSlD_HgAX9xAuO-&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=462fe23c2a2d68717c4eed24f38605ba&oe=5EDBB376

[Eevo]

Gardening season is off to a good start.


I planted myself on the couch 6 weeks ago...


And I've already grown noticeably.

[gofish]

When life gives you melons, you’re dyslexic.

[gofish]

https://cdn.netrider.net.au/attachments/image-jpg.171873/

[spudfan]

A mother and child were heading to pay for the food in the supermarket. Owing to the C19 emergency there was an "X" marked on the floor to stand on while waiting. The child would not let the mother stand on the "X".
"Why not? " she asked.
"Ever seen a Road Runner cartoon?" came the reply.

[RANDLOVER]

A Corona joke "I never thought my hands would see more alcohol than my lips"

[Ricrose]

One for the insensitive https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200511/f0ec61f072948ff529bf6245071dab38.jpg

[sashadidi]

160787

[bob10]

Wisdom from a multitude of deep thinkers. Enjoy!



"Sometimes, when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I did not drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, it is better to drink this beer & let dreams come true, than be selfish & worry about my liver.”
Babe Ruth
https://ci3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/G-1eKCyPPfYzaTzxOuqShe8GXTZ52P_aqTHbRZ5xTu1SpzFc7MgN zOszMofPNZ1fcfWoXUsyCjFDO189WXipRjfrh6VZQhLVXMK9Tu ZN580WHVU3ynC0Ng=s0-d-e1-ft#http://cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
Paul Horning

https://ci3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/G-1eKCyPPfYzaTzxOuqShe8GXTZ52P_aqTHbRZ5xTu1SpzFc7MgN zOszMofPNZ1fcfWoXUsyCjFDO189WXipRjfrh6VZQhLVXMK9Tu ZN580WHVU3ynC0Ng=s0-d-e1-ft#http://cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

"24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence? I think not!”
H. L. Mencken

https://ci3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/G-1eKCyPPfYzaTzxOuqShe8GXTZ52P_aqTHbRZ5xTu1SpzFc7MgN zOszMofPNZ1fcfWoXUsyCjFDO189WXipRjfrh6VZQhLVXMK9Tu ZN580WHVU3ynC0Ng=s0-d-e1-ft#http://cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

"When we drink, we get drunk When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven.”
George Bernard Shaw

https://ci3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/G-1eKCyPPfYzaTzxOuqShe8GXTZ52P_aqTHbRZ5xTu1SpzFc7MgN zOszMofPNZ1fcfWoXUsyCjFDO189WXipRjfrh6VZQhLVXMK9Tu ZN580WHVU3ynC0Ng=s0-d-e1-ft#http://cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
Benjamin Franklin

https://ci3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/G-1eKCyPPfYzaTzxOuqShe8GXTZ52P_aqTHbRZ5xTu1SpzFc7MgN zOszMofPNZ1fcfWoXUsyCjFDO189WXipRjfrh6VZQhLVXMK9Tu ZN580WHVU3ynC0Ng=s0-d-e1-ft#http://cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
But the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza”
Dave Barry
Then Pizza IS a wheel

https://ci3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/G-1eKCyPPfYzaTzxOuqShe8GXTZ52P_aqTHbRZ5xTu1SpzFc7MgN zOszMofPNZ1fcfWoXUsyCjFDO189WXipRjfrh6VZQhLVXMK9Tu ZN580WHVU3ynC0Ng=s0-d-e1-ft#http://cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

“Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.”
W. C. Fields
https://ci3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/G-1eKCyPPfYzaTzxOuqShe8GXTZ52P_aqTHbRZ5xTu1SpzFc7MgN zOszMofPNZ1fcfWoXUsyCjFDO189WXipRjfrh6VZQhLVXMK9Tu ZN580WHVU3ynC0Ng=s0-d-e1-ft#http://cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

“Remember ‘I’ before ‘E,’ except in Budweiser.”
Professor Irwin Corey

https://ci3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/G-1eKCyPPfYzaTzxOuqShe8GXTZ52P_aqTHbRZ5xTu1SpzFc7MgN zOszMofPNZ1fcfWoXUsyCjFDO189WXipRjfrh6VZQhLVXMK9Tu ZN580WHVU3ynC0Ng=s0-d-e1-ft#http://cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png

“To some it is a six-pack. To me, it is a Support Group. Salvation in a can.”
Leo Durocher

https://ci3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/G-1eKCyPPfYzaTzxOuqShe8GXTZ52P_aqTHbRZ5xTu1SpzFc7MgN zOszMofPNZ1fcfWoXUsyCjFDO189WXipRjfrh6VZQhLVXMK9Tu ZN580WHVU3ynC0Ng=s0-d-e1-ft#http://cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png
One night at Cheers , a TV Sitcom, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: "Well, ya see, Normy, it's like this .. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!”

[bob10]

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0?ui=2&ik=36bc3c6bc5&attid=0.53&permmsgid=msg-f:1666450976961644660&th=17206c559566c874&view=fimg&sz=s0-l75-ft&attbid=ANGjdJ93iGrCSrknzu0nTvARZMBQGNahuK4rbm9e7LQ D-N1MMtkqV159N5vE3K2EaQ23Dmd-Es00_d5C64_qe9RrOBBsK6Q22cc0sWUSIzg95M6Bj4EdCtHWnt y6NdA&disp=emb

[bob10]

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB



Husband: “I changed a light bulb today.



Wife: “ That's it? You changed a light bulb?? I did the laundry,

vacuumed the house, washed windows, cooked three meals, and

the list goes on and on ... And you changed a single light bulb?”



Husband: “Yep, that’s what I did today.

Watch this; I filmed me doing it.”



Click here to watch: click (https://eur04.safelinks.protection.outlook.com/?url=https://urldefense.proofpoint.com/v2/url?u%253Dhttps-3A__www.youtube.com_embed_f1BgzIZRfT8-3Ffeature-3Dplayer-5Fembedded%2526d%253DDwMD-g%2526c%253DGKdB6-XpYq_0W-WluyVHtw%2526r%253DXDmTKGBPbs27GVHg8MjpNnK-xbhcMPFHsc2V4JEAxiY%2526m%253DpIr4JSBcBxEYXEyKJOI6 5w58MrLMYKBCKhbn6hXkGYk%2526s%253DavsUrpVIJjfptese BgO_9DFnZ_eIuXPiSMqvf2veToU%2526e%253D&data=02%257c01%257c%257cd8212dd772804b6b828808d6e3 67f11f%257c84df9e7fe9f640afb435aaaaaaaaaaaa%257c1% 257c0%257c636946432889635162&sdata=MlbMicbBZxsyLXawMUa%252BBwWcfpxmeIGieFZg3xjX Odk%253D&reserved=0)

[Tins]

Gives me the heeby jeebys just watching it.

[Blknight.aus]

wonder how many times hes thought about taking a parachute up and base jumping it.

[Tins]

wonder how many times hes thought about taking a parachute up and base jumping it.

Don't. Just don't.


About 30 years ago I knew a bloke who did that sort of thing. He had a rudimentary helmet cam and he showed me footage. One was Frenchman's Cap in Tassie. Another was the Westgate. His greatest claim to fame was being one of the four who base jumped off the Rialto. The one where the news chopper just 'happened' to be there, where one of the guys was swept back into the tower and injured. Back then he swore me to silence as he was a pilot for Ansett. Glad he never flew me anywhere, as the man was clearly nuts.