Jokes [Archive] - Australian Land Rover Owners

rick130

29th July 2006, 08:11 AM

THE SQUIRREL & THE GRASSHOPPER REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the Summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END

THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".

Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australians apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".

The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since arrival in Australia.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million dollars each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Australia.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END

Rosco

29th July 2006, 11:35 AM

Two Irishmen were standing by a flagpole, in Dublin looking up. A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing. We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Patrick "but we don't have a ladder."

The blonde woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Shaun shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde!

We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

slipedisk

1st August 2006, 06:28 PM

Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to **** off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went across a river & into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down & all other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good for you!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't."

slipedisk

1st August 2006, 06:34 PM

Go you good thing!

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent
interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a
train station in Sydney

There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of Australia. I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your backside and open it."

God Bless Australia!!

slipedisk

1st August 2006, 06:36 PM

None of that Sissy Crap
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,
but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be untill you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end.

"Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

slipedisk

1st August 2006, 06:41 PM

What is Old?
>>"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

>>"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

>>"OLD" IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

>>"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

>>"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.

>>"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by... the doctor instead of by the police.

>>"OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any
fiber today.

>>"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
>>
>>"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee

slipedisk

1st August 2006, 08:39 PM

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending:
$65.00 on make-up, $150 for a cut & color, $30 for a manicure, $40 for a pedicure, $50 on vitamins, $300 on clothes and $600 for a gym membership

I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed it to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

slipedisk

1st August 2006, 08:46 PM

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie country lad moved to the big smoke and went looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the liked so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The young lad said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?

" ....... $ 124,237.64."

The manager choked and exclaimed $ 124,237.64 DOLLARS What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the "Landrover Discovery".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and Landrover?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing and four wheel driving."

slipedisk

2nd August 2006, 07:49 AM

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
> Norman Einstein." Mick Malthouse - Collingwood
>
> "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Peter
> Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies
>
> "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in
> groups of three, then line up in a circle." Barry Hall Sydney Captain
> at training
>
> Brock Maclean (Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids
> during his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the
> clubs that we went to."
>
> "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of
> what time it is." Kevin Sheedy on James Hird
>
> Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games "It's basically the
> same, just darker."
>
> Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton "I told him, 'Son, what is it
> with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, Barass, I don't know
> and I don't care.'
>
> Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to
> kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first."
>
> "Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"(Dermott
> Brereton)
>
> "Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Mark
> Williams)
>
> "He scored that goal after only 22 seconds - totally against the run
> of play." (Dermott Brereton)
>
> "We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then
> they scored." (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles)
>
> "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
> (Luke
> Darcy)
>
> "That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which
> was identical." (Dermott Brereton)
>
> "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Shane
> Wakelin)
>
> "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of
> them serious." (Adrian Anderson)
>
> "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
> thing again."(Andrew Demetriou)
>
> "I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but
> there are none better." (Dermott Brereton)
>
> "I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a
> lifetime for that prat." (Terry Wallace)
>
> Garry Lyon: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
> David Swartz: "On what?"
>
> "Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."(Dermott
> Brereton)
>
> "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air
> for even longer."(Dermott Brereton)

slipedisk

2nd August 2006, 07:51 AM

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and
says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly - pay me
a compliment".

The husband replies, "your eyesight's perfect".

slipedisk

2nd August 2006, 12:24 PM

The Top Ten "Old West" Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same
After That, Gay Cowboy Movie....

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

slipedisk

2nd August 2006, 12:29 PM

HOW TO HANDLE A HUSBAND
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary
on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquillity had
long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret
of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,"
explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizonaand took a trip
down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my
wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the
horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled
again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly
said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a
third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the
horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did
you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"
She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after

Mud_Bogger6

1st September 2006, 09:04 PM

You know I have a friend, She's so stupid that when a person says that "Drinks are on the house" she askes "Where's the Ladder?"

Mud_Bogger6

2nd September 2006, 07:56 PM

What Does Every Little girl have to count on???????????

FenianEel

14th September 2006, 10:18 AM

OK folks let's get the Jokes thread happening again

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer,
he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit and
pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the
flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

Blknight.aus

14th September 2006, 07:23 PM

A bloke was drifting across a the desert in a hot air balloon, lost and not having any sucess in geting the balloon under control. Luckily our happless balloonist spots a man in an Akubra walking along happily heading back towards his campsite after an invigorating nature walk...

The bloke in the balloon calls out to him and after getting his attention tells him hes lost and asks our Akubra wearing friend if he knows where he is...

The guy in the akubra looks up and says "Yep, your in a hot air ballon at about 100m altitude, drifting at about 2 knots ,on a heading of about 1700 mils, desending at about 1 meter a minute at an accelerating rate, currently over WGS 84 grid 44'45'10E and 32'24'12S with an ETDT of oh call it 1545.

The bloke in the balloon looks down and says "your one of those bloody Landrover drivers arent you...

The guy on the ground looks up and shielding his eyes admits to driving a defender and asks how he knew that...

The balloonist replies "simple everything you told me is technically correct but of no bloody use to me."

Our intrepid rover driver grins knowingly and pegs the balloonist as a toyota driver, which infuriates the balloonist into demanding that the Rover driver explain his conclusion.. to which he recieves the following response.

"Simple, as of about a minute ago you had risen to where you are via the virtues of a lot of hot air, you have no idea where you are, how you got there, what to do to correct your problem, when offered assitance you had no idea how to best utilise it. For some reason this is now my fault."

Yabbie

14th September 2006, 09:19 PM

Steve Irwin died doing what he loved,

Peter Brock died doing what he loved,

Take care when ******* tonight.

And remember we'll all be thinking of ya!! :)

cewilson

29th September 2006, 01:09 AM

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a

well. The animal cried piteously for hours as

the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the

well needed to be covered up anyway;

it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and

help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began

to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the

donkey realized what was happening and cried

horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he

quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally

looked down the well. He was astonished at what

he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his

back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel

dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it

off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey

stepped up over the edge of the well and

happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds

of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well

is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of

our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out

of the deepest wells just by not stopping,

never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW ............

Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back,

and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and

the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover

your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

cewilson

29th September 2006, 01:10 AM

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me".
The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry".
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

VladTepes

29th September 2006, 07:56 AM

Australia's biggest joke:

http://www.ebroadcast.com.au/enews/uploads/ray_martin_002.jpg

Tusker

29th September 2006, 08:10 AM

What was the first thing Peter Brock heard when he got to Heaven?

Crikey!! What are you doing Here??

Mud_Bogger6

29th September 2006, 08:37 AM

:d :d :d :d :d :d :d :d :d

Vandermorph

29th September 2006, 04:27 PM

There were 3 blokes in a hot air balloon a australian German and a chinese and it was losing altitude so they had to throw off things to lose weight so the german throws of a bomb and says we have plenty of them in our country
The australian said we have plenty of these to and throws off the chinese

VladTepes

29th September 2006, 06:36 PM

There were 3 blokes in a hot air balloon a australian mexican and a chinese and it was losing altitude so they had to throw off things to lose weight so the german throws of a bomb and says we have plenty of them in our country
The australian said we have plenty of these to and throws off the chinese

But there was no German in the balloon !

And what of the Mexican ??

Vandermorph

29th September 2006, 06:40 PM

I fixed it i was mixed up with a similar joke i know

FenianEel

29th September 2006, 06:43 PM

But there was no German in the balloon !

And what of the Mexican ??

Me thinks a bit of re editing to make it an "australian" flavoured joke - it got lost in the translation maybe:rolleyes: :rolleyes:

Vandermorph

29th September 2006, 06:47 PM

How do you want it edited?

cewilson

30th September 2006, 12:50 AM

Ok, time to get this thread back on track!!! Where's Knight by the way. Used to have some bloody good jokes before!

Anyway, here we go:

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 12:51 AM

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 12:54 AM

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

cewilson

30th September 2006, 12:59 AM

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 01:02 AM

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it." He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 01:09 AM

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 01:11 AM

There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.

cewilson

30th September 2006, 01:12 AM

Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom." The red head replies,"If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies !"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 01:17 AM

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
"and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 01:25 AM

Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, the boss left work early. One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband. But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," she said. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 01:29 AM

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 01:38 AM

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are ****ed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 01:43 AM

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 01:44 AM

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".

cewilson

30th September 2006, 01:48 AM

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 01:49 AM

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 01:51 AM

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 01:52 AM

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 01:57 AM

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

cewilson

30th September 2006, 02:00 AM

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 02:04 AM

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 02:07 AM

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 02:10 AM

A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

cewilson

30th September 2006, 02:35 AM

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 02:36 AM

How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

cewilson

30th September 2006, 02:45 AM

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely **** my pants."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 02:47 AM

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 02:47 AM

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 02:51 AM

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 03:02 AM

A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 03:06 AM

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 03:08 AM

Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."

Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 03:34 AM

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 03:54 AM

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 04:02 AM

After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?" He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know you're a ****ing jinx!"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 04:03 AM

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 04:11 AM

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 04:23 AM

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 04:26 AM

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was ****ed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

cewilson

30th September 2006, 04:41 AM

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word?" Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." Saturday says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, your thinking of '*******', and that's only two syllables."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 04:48 AM

Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for. After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far...."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 04:59 AM

The manager hired a new secretary. she was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention." The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 05:05 AM

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?" The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 05:08 AM

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery. Little Girl: "Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 05:21 AM

What am I? I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in 'n' out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am. What am I? Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert?

cewilson

30th September 2006, 05:22 AM

Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class, "Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 05:24 AM

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 05:25 AM

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 05:34 AM

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 05:43 AM

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination, the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies. "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later, it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!" "Well, let's have a look," he says, as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am, this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?"

"I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 05:45 AM

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

cewilson

30th September 2006, 05:46 AM

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

cewilson

30th September 2006, 06:10 AM

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" She asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law.

cewilson

30th September 2006, 06:11 AM

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Vandermorph

30th September 2006, 12:50 PM

There was a German Mexican and a chinese in a hot air ballon it was losing altitude so they had to throw any thing that was weighing them down over the side
So the mexican grabs his supply of pizzas and says
"We have plenty ofa thise at home" and throws them over the side
Then the chinese says
"we got lotta these to"and throws the box of chopsticks over and as they hurtle towards the ground the box becomes unsealed and chopsticks go everywhere
The german is a bit uncertain but then he grabs the bomb he had hidden in the balloon and he said
"I pity throwing that over they dont come cheap"

So when they land they part ways the mexican is walking down the street and spots an old lady crying He asks
"what be the matter"
"My daughter was smothered by a pizza dropping from the sky"she replied
The mexican is worried"did it have pepperoni on it because if it did that was mine"
The old lady gets mad and bashes him until he cant walk

So the chinese meets someone with one eye and says
"what happen to your eye?"
The person with 1 eye says
"some idiot threw a box of chopsticks and took my bloody eye out"
The chinese bloke runs away as fast as he can

The german was just about to book into a hotel and was behind a man explaining why he needed a room he was practically roaring with mirth and between gasping he managed to say
"me mate....he came over....for a cuppa....and farted.....and blew....up my house!!!

cewilson

5th October 2006, 07:49 PM

> >An Aborigine goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds
> >himself a
> >prostitute.
> >
> >He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour?"
> >$100," she replies.
> >
> >So he asks, "Okay, do you do Aboriginal style?"
> >
> >She says "No!"
> >
> >He then asks her, "I'll pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style?"
> >
> >She again says no, not knowing what Aboriginal style is!
> >So he then offers her $300. Again she declines his offer.
> >So finally he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Aboriginal style with
> >me!"
> >
> >Finally she agrees thinking, "Well, I've been in the game for over
> >10 years
> >now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from
> >weirdo's
> >from every corner of the world. How bad
> >could Aboriginal style be?"
> >
> >So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of
> >way and
> >in
> >every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they
> >finish.
> >
> >Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic.
> >I've
> >never
> >enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and
> >disgusting.
> > Where does the 'Aboriginal style' come
> >in?"
> >
> >The Aborigine replies . . . "I'll pay you next week "

FenianEel

17th October 2006, 07:18 AM

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it

and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Rayngie

17th October 2006, 12:13 PM

two fish swimming along, one swims into a wall, turns to the other.."Dam"...

p38arover

17th October 2006, 12:20 PM

two fish swimming along, one swims into a wall, turns to the other.."Dam"...

You've been reading Hiline's signature line again! :)

Ron

Vandermorph

21st October 2006, 03:20 PM

One day a blonde decides to go ice fishing so she goes to the ice and cuts a circle in it when a voice says"NO FISH THERE"
So she goes another 20ft away and cuts another hole and the voice repeats"NO FISH THERE"
So again she moves another 20ft and cuts another hole"NO FISH THERE" says the same voice
The blonde looks up and says"Dear God how could you know all this"
The Voice says "MADAM I AM THE ICE RINK MANAGER"

dobbo

21st October 2006, 03:25 PM

Vandermorph

21st October 2006, 03:27 PM

A man bought a cockatoo in a pet shop the pet shop owner says that it has an advanced vocabulary he takes it home and 2 days later it is uttering the foulest words the man has ever heard
He tries to stop the language when the neighbors complain but it doesnt help
So one day the swearing gets so bad he cant stand it so he grabs the bird and shoves it in the freezer. It swears and curses for a few minutes and then it goes quiet.
The man thinks"ive killed it" but he knows it couldnt have died after 2 minutes so he opens the freezer and the cocky hops out onto his shoulder
It says" Master i will never utter words like them again but can i ask one question?
The man says "yes"
the cocky quivers and then says " what the hell did the chicken do?

Timmo

21st October 2006, 06:03 PM

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

dobbo

21st October 2006, 06:07 PM

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

I just tell them I have torretts syndrome and swear at them

Mud_Bogger6

24th October 2006, 08:28 AM

One day a blonde dyes her hair brown thinking it will make her smart for the day, on her way to work she runs into a farmer, she gets out of her car and said "if i can guess how many sheep you have can i have one?" the farmer agrees and the blond said "you have 150 sheep" when the farmer counts them he realises she was right so she picks up a sheep and puts it in her car, just before she drives off the farmer says "If i can guess your real hair colour, can i have my dog back?"

hiline

24th October 2006, 02:01 PM

: Moral of the Story

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying, broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too; we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.
"That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f...k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the ****.”

Vandermorph

25th October 2006, 08:38 PM

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Vandermorph

25th October 2006, 08:44 PM

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

Vandermorph

25th October 2006, 08:49 PM

Two blondes are flying up to heaven, the first blonde asks the second blonde, " how did you die?" the second blonde says,"i froze to death, it's really cold at first but then you get really sleepy and die. then the second blonde asks the first blonde, "how did you die?" the first blonde says,"i had a heart attack, well i thought husband was cheating on me, so i got home really early from work, and ran up stairs to the bed room but my husband was just sitting on the bed watching t.v. so i ran all the way to the basement but no one was hiding there, then i ran to the second floor but no one was hiding there either, so i ran ALL the way to the attic and there i had a major heart attack and died. the second blonde says "well if you would have looked in the freezer, we'd both still be living..

Vandermorph

25th October 2006, 08:52 PM

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes." She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?" "Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave

Vandermorph

25th October 2006, 08:54 PM

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

Vandermorph

25th October 2006, 08:58 PM

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied,
"It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

Vandermorph

25th October 2006, 09:05 PM

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

Vandermorph

25th October 2006, 09:08 PM

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

Vandermorph

25th October 2006, 09:12 PM

Disco123

25th October 2006, 09:14 PM

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message:

*370H-SSV-0773H *

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to NASA.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

Vandermorph

25th October 2006, 09:15 PM

two blondes were walking along the railroad one morning after spending all night at a nightclub. "wow these stairs are killing me." said the first blonde. the second blonde groaned back. "the stairs dont bother me as much as the low handrail

Vandermorph

25th October 2006, 09:20 PM

A blonde walks into a salon and says, "I want to get my hair done". The stylist notice she was wearing headphones and carrying a Walkman. The stylist then says "OK, but first let's take off the headphones." The blonde jumps back and shrieks, "NO I'LL DIE!" The stylist says "Don't be silly," and snatches the headphones off her head. The blonde falls instantly dead. Shocked, the stylist puts on the headphones "...breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, breathe..."

Vandermorph

25th October 2006, 09:26 PM

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

MickS

25th October 2006, 10:08 PM

A guy urgently needed a few days off work, but knew the Boss would not
allow him to take leave. He thought that maybe if he acted "CRAZY" then
he would tell him to take a few days off. So he hung upside down on the
ceiling and made funny noises. His co-worker (who's blonde) asked,
"What are you doing? He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb
so that the Boss would think he was "CRAZY" and give him a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are
you doing ?" The guy said, "I'm a light bulb." The boss said "You are clearly
stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". The guy jumped
down and walked out of the office. When the guy's co-worker (the blonde)
followed him, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're
going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark

MickS

25th October 2006, 10:15 PM

Ole and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in his hands.

"Vhere did yew get dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, right here in my tackle box," says Ole.

"Could I see him?"

So Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes I will", says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks, flying overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, "I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million Ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch BIC?"

Yabbie

25th October 2006, 10:26 PM

Two blondes are walking in the forest when they come across marks in the ground. One says to another, "Oh, look at the deer tracks!" "Those aren't deer trucks, you dumb blonde!" says the other. "They're bear prints." They continue to argue, "Deer tracks, you dumb blonde, No - Bear prints, you dumb blonde!"
Next day's headlines : Two blondes killed by train in forest.

Needs a little editting:

Two blondes are walking in the forest when they come across marks in the ground.
One says to another, "Oh, look dear tracks!"
"Those aren't deer trucks, you dumb blonde!" says the other. "They're bear prints."
They continue to argue, "Dear, tracks!! you dumb blonde", "No - Bear prints, you dumb blonde!"
Next day's headlines : Two blondes killed by train in forest.

Makes more sense now;)

RichardK

25th October 2006, 10:55 PM

Subject: The Morning After Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function.
He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he seesis a couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,next to them,
a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staringback
at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping
Love you!!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mum dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone b*tch. I'm married!!!".
Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
RedRose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless

Vandermorph

26th October 2006, 09:49 AM

A blonde, an American, and a Russian are out to lunch. The Russian says, "We're better because we sent the first man to space."
The American says, "We're better because we sent the first man to the moon."
The blonde says, "We're better because we're going to send the first man to the sun."
The Russian and American say, "You're so stupid. You can't send man to the sun - it's too hot!"
The blonde says, "We're not stupid! That's why we're going at night"

Vandermorph

27th October 2006, 02:15 PM

A blonde was in bed asleep when the phone rang at 2am she got up and ran out in the hallway to pick it up when she did
The person calling said "im sorry i woke you up"
The blonde replies" Dont worry i had to get up to the phone anyway"

Vandermorph

27th October 2006, 07:46 PM

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3am in the morning, A resounding noise came form outside... The woman, is startled ,she jumps out of the bed and yells at the man ****!, that must be my husband!
So the guy jumped out of bed , scared, and naked.He took a run up and leaped out the window like a crazy man,smashed into the ground, went through a thorn bush and then he stood up and started to run as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he comes back and says to the woman "I'm your husband, you b1tch!!"
So the woman answers "Oh, yeah, and why did you run?!! You son of a b1tch!!"

Vandermorph

28th October 2006, 05:17 PM

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both of his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Vandermorph

28th October 2006, 05:24 PM

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

harro

28th October 2006, 06:03 PM

Apple Computer today reported that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music in womens breasts.

This is considered a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breast and never listening to them.

:D:twobeers::D

sschmez

31st October 2006, 05:41 PM

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul McCartney"

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

BigJon

31st October 2006, 06:03 PM

Roflmao:d :d :d

hiline

31st October 2006, 06:22 PM

two fags share a flat............

one comes home to find his partner naked with a r s e in the freezer :o :o

"what you doing" he asks...........

thought you may like a cold one after work............:angel: :D

hiline

4th November 2006, 04:27 AM

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and
the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit... It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS :D :D

Blknight.aus

4th November 2006, 05:52 AM

Little johnies teacher had come up with a pearler of an idea, every friday afternoon at 1500 she would ask a question of the class, whoever answered the question correctly would be allowed to leave the 20 minutes early and head home or be guarenteed a good seat in the busses.

It was set up as a one shot deal, if its not answered correctly the first time around then no-one gets to leave early...

OF course little johny sits way up the back of the class room and little attention is paid to him when he tries to answer the questions...

so the first week rolls round...

"whats 3 cubed plus 3?" asks the teacher.. and she goes to the class goodie goodie down the front who answers 12, which is wrong. Johnnies not happy, he knew the answer was 30 an had been trying to get picked...

next week

"Who can spell antidisestablishmentarianism?

Again one of the teachers pets down the fron pipes up "Anty.." nope wrong... Of course Little johnie was going to cheat and had the word looked up in the dictionary on the desk...

Weeks go buy and despite his more and more desperate efforts to get picked to answer the questions Johnie is being ignored.. thinking its all a little unfair especially as he knows the correct answers he decides to do something about it and on the way home on thursday heads via a pool hall and swipes a pair of 8 balls...

Just as the teacher is getting ready to pack up and ask the question, little johnie starts clacking the balls together stopping every time the teacher looks up to find the noise..Then when shes all packed up and ready to ask the question he rolls the 8 balls down the isle between the desks to have them roll around at her feet. She looks up..

"Ok, whose the comedian with the black balls?"

"Bill Cosby, Seeyall later..."

p38arover

4th November 2006, 08:50 AM

At last. A decent chain letter. As opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to nine of your mates.

Instructions

Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

0.5 Miss Worlds
2.5 Models
463 Wild nymphos
3,234 Good-looking nymphos
20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms
40,198 Bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

Dire consequences if you break this chain letter

One bloke, for example, who sent the letter to only five instead of nine of his friends, got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter). While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in sixth place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life.

No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women). No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate ... Send this letter today to nine of your best friends.

PS - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner; one of the other women that arrives will know how to use it.

PPS - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

bigbugga

6th November 2006, 07:47 PM

On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had
an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation
of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief,
the bride called her mother from the hospital.

"Mother", she sobbed, "My husband has only one foot."

The mother, trying to console her daughter said,
"That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."

:wasntme:

bigbugga

6th November 2006, 07:48 PM

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.

"You, sir, are drunk!"

"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
:D

bigbugga

6th November 2006, 07:49 PM

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, Have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,"Are you sure this is where he fell in? :p

Bytemrk

6th November 2006, 07:52 PM

How do you know if you're a pirate? :confused:

you just RRRR:p

RichardK

6th November 2006, 10:42 PM

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO.

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......

She said "The b@stard used coins"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Jojo

7th November 2006, 02:35 AM

At the production plant of an Asian 4x4-manufacturer an unlucky cat happened to get trapped in one of the vehicles on assembly lane. Unfortunately for the cat it was the last shift before a long weekend and when the workers went home the cat was left on its own inside the car. When the workers returned on Monday morning they found poor little pussy dead …suffocated.
The marketing department promptly took this event as a proof how absolutely tight the vehicles were and wanted to use it in the promotion of the vehicle.

When these news reached our friends in Solihull they immediately agreed to run a similar kind of test to proof the renowned British product lives up to similar standards. They took a cat and put it inside a Landrover on assembly line one late shift on Friday night before the last of the workforce turned off the lights and all went down to the boozer. When they returned on Monday morning…

THE CAT WAS GONE!!!!!!!!!!!

VladTepes

7th November 2006, 06:35 PM

Gday BB

At the production plant of an Asian 4x4-manufacturer an unlucky cat happened to get trapped in one of the vehicles on assembly lane. Unfortunately for the cat it was the last shift before a long weekend and when the workers went home the cat was left on its own inside the car. When the workers returned on Monday morning they found poor little pussy dead …suffocated.
The marketing department promptly took this event as a proof how absolutely tight the vehicles were and wanted to use it in the promotion of the vehicle.

When these news reached our friends in Solihull they immediately agreed to run a similar kind of test to proof the renowned British product lives up to similar standards. They took a cat and put it inside a Landrover on assembly line one late shift on Friday night before the last of the workforce turned off the lights and all went down to the boozer. When they returned on Monday morning…

THE CAT WAS GONE!!!!!!!!!!!

That must be close to the MOST POSTED joke on AULRO I'd reckon.

Mud_Bogger6

8th November 2006, 01:35 PM

Thats the first time I ever saw it

VladTepes

10th November 2006, 05:37 PM

The Story of A Man's Life.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She
was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am now looking for a girl with big tits.

Vandermorph

10th November 2006, 07:54 PM

I even posted it just a few weeks back in the Land Rover Specific jokes thread
Mud_Boggers been under a bit of stress lately he probably never noticed

Vandermorph

10th November 2006, 07:56 PM

Anyway where did the cat GO?

Mud_Bogger6

13th November 2006, 08:32 AM

Anyway where did the cat GO?

Home?????:p

Sith

13th November 2006, 10:00 AM

Dunno if it's been posted before but here it is anyway.....Enjoy!

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the
world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking
deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the
world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the
smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who the f*ck is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

Sith

13th November 2006, 10:04 AM

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for
>2 months.
>
>Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
>kit.
>
>The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
>crying, the mother says
>
>"who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
>
>The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
>Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man
>with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of
>the Mercedes and enters the house.
>
>He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and
>tells
>them:
>
>"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't
>marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
>I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
>life."
>
>"Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
>townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
>
>If a boy is born, my legacy will be a coupleof factories and a
>$4,000,000 bank account.
>
>If twins are born, they will both receive a factory and $2,000,000
>
>However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
>
>At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
>firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
>
>"You xxxx her again."

Mud_Bogger6

14th November 2006, 10:10 AM

:):):)

Sith

14th November 2006, 09:44 PM

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams & Elton John were walking over a bridge.
>
>
> Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a couple
> of
> sideways glances Robbie pulls down her knickers and shags her senseless.
>
>
> He stands back. "Your turn", he tells Elton.
>
>
> But Elton starts crying.
>
>
> "What's up?" asks Robbie.
>
>
> Elton sobs, "My head won't fit between the railings!"

hiline

18th November 2006, 03:38 PM

i found this to be funny :D

> >> "Hello?"
> >> "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
> >>
> >> "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
> >> Paul"
> >>
> >> After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you
> >> haven't got an Uncle Paul."
> >>
> >> "Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
> >> right now"
> >>
> >> ...... Brief Pause
> >>
> >> "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the
> >> phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the
> >> bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just
> >> pulled into the driveway"
> >>
> >> "Okay Daddy, just a minute"
> >>
> >> A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
> >> phone.
> >>
> >> "I did it Daddy"
> >>
> >> "And what happened honey?" he asked
> >>
> >> "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
> >> clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped
> >> over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
> >> isn't moving at all!"
> >>
> >> "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
> >>
> >> "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He
> >> was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
> >> and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know
> >> that you took out the water last week to clean it. He
> >> hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
> >>
> >> ***Long Pause***
> >>
> >> ****Longer Pause****
> >>
> >> Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool... ?? ...... Is this
> >> 9439- 1457

:D :D :D

antvc

18th November 2006, 04:27 PM

A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage.

The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every single problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on and on.

Finally, the counsellor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counsellor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

hiline

21st November 2006, 02:12 PM

> Subject: Fw: Ahhh the Irish
>
>
> > >>Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
> > >>
> > >>Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get
> me
> > >>slippers?"
> > >>
> > >>"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
> > >>stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
> > >>
> > >>"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
> > >>
> > >>"**** off you liar!"
> > >>
> > >>"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
> > >>
> > >>So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
> > >>
> > >>"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

DeeJay

21st November 2006, 03:22 PM

ONLY A TRUE GOLFER CAN UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS STORY,

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third
hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was
shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple
of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all
eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the
club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than
10. He was jubilant; then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor
and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted,
"You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you? - I hope you're
proud of yourself! - While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's
just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more
than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the
clock care - And you'll be her care giver!"..

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started
to snicker and said, "Just kidding - She died more than two hours ago -
What'd you shoot?"

VladTepes

22nd November 2006, 01:04 PM

thats horribl..........................................y funny !

Mud_Bogger6

24th November 2006, 05:04 PM

That it is

DeeJay

24th November 2006, 05:19 PM

Don't encourage me.
BRAIN CRAMPS

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

````````````

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very

important part of your life,"

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

`````````````````````````````````````````````````

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett,

University of Kentucky basketball forward

.

`````````````````````````````````````````````

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the

lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC

`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death

by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas

.

````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore, Vice President

```````````````````

"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

--Dan Quayle

``````````

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?"

--Lee Iacocca

```````````

1

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude

certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

`````````````````````````````````

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

````````````````

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective

March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

````````````````````````````````````````````

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack

in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their

heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
Sorry about the large font

p38arover

24th November 2006, 06:41 PM

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey

False: See http://www.snopes.com/quotes/carey.htm (http://www.snopes.com/quotes/carey.htm)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett,

University of Kentucky basketball forward

Possibly false: See http://www.snopes.com/humor/lists/olympics.asp (http://www.snopes.com/humor/lists/olympics.asp) (aslo shows Bennett as a footballer, not basketballer)

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC

False: See http://www.snopes.com/quotes/barry.htm (http://www.snopes.com/quotes/barry.htm)

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

False: http://www.snopes.com/quotes/candidate.asp (http://www.snopes.com/quotes/candidate.asp) (also attributed to George W Bush)

"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ." --Dan Quayle

False: See http://www.snopes.com/quotes/quayle.htm (http://www.snopes.com/quotes/quayle.htm)

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

False: See http://www.snopes.com/quotes/candidate.asp (http://www.snopes.com/quotes/candidate.asp) (attributed to George W Bush)

DeeJay

24th November 2006, 07:03 PM

Well I did have to say don't encourage me:)

DeeJay

15th December 2006, 09:39 AM

Anybody would think I have a monopoly on jokes lately :D :D

An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like".

Englishman gives it a guitar which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.

Irishman gives it a piano which it plays better than Elton John.

Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.

The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and Scotsman asks, "what's wrong, can ye no play it"?

The octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna f*** her brains out once I get her pyjamas off"

http://au.f350.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download'mid=1_19969_AMNEv9EAAShdRX%2FkjgT7lXvF9C4&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

Mud_Bogger6

29th December 2006, 05:20 PM

One saturday morningthree men were standing in line at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. St Peter told the first man "I am only admiting people in today who have died a really horrible death, how did you die?"
The first man replied "Well I got home from work early one day and my wife was acting really strange, so I figured she was cheating on me. I could hear noises coming from somewhere but I couldn't see anyone. I went outside and sure enough, there was this bloke hanging off the balcony. I started bashing his fingers untill he fell. He landed in the bushes, still alive, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it at hiim. All of this caused a blood vessel in my brain to burst, klling me."
"That sounds like a pretty bad death to me" said st Peter as he let the man in.
The second man then recounted his story. "Everyday I exersize on the balcony of my apartment. This morning as I was exersizing I slippeed and fell over the edge.uckily i caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. But this maniac appers and bashes my fingers untill I had to let go. I get lucky again and land in some bushes, not to badly hurt. Then, before I know it, a fridge falls out of the sky and crushes me to death."
Once again St Peter conceded it was a horrible death. Then the third man told his story.
Picture this," he began. "I'm lying naked inside a fridge..."

Vandermorph

1st January 2007, 10:19 AM

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by

Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this

holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess

something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and

pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents

a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly

gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket

and pulled out a set of keys. He shook

them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through

the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately

through his pockets and finally pulled out a

pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised

eyebrow and asked,"And just what do those

symbolize?

The man replied," "These are Carols."

Vandermorph

1st January 2007, 10:21 AM

An Irishman, an Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman are sat waiting with their sons to be interviewed at a school open day. As the atmosphere is tense, the English chap pipes up,
“Hello everyone. Let me introduce you all to my son. His name is George as he was born on St George’s day.”
The Welsh guy sighs with relief and says,
“What a coincidence. This is my son David, born on St David’s day.”
“I don’t believe this,” says the Scotsman, “this is my son. His name is ANDREW, and he was born on St Andrew’s day!!!”
With that, all eyes turn to the Irishman, who jumps up, grabs his son by the hand and says,
“COME ON PANCAKE, THIS IS EMBARRASSING!”

Mud_Bogger6

2nd January 2007, 08:43 PM

Top 10 Rejection lines given by woman (And what they really Mean

1.)I Think of you as a brother(And mum says I shouldn't do that that with him anymore.)

2.)I prefer older men( or at least ones who don't still live with their parents)

3.)I need some time to sort my feelings out(I want to see if there is anyone better out there)

4.)I'm not attracted to you in that way( you ugly B*****d)

5.)My life is too compicatrd right now.(I don't want you spending the whole night becaue my boyfriend will be back soon.)

6.)I need time to myself(How else am I gonna find a hunky guy?)

7.)I'm Married(Also seperated but you don't need to know that)

8.)It's not you, It's me(It's not me, It's you)

9.)I'm Celibate(at least when your around)

10.)Lets be friends.(I know your good with cars)

Mud_Bogger6

2nd January 2007, 08:54 PM

Top 10 rejection lines given by men and what they really mean.

1.)I think of you as a sister(your ugly)

2.)I prefer older woman(your ugly)

3.)I need some time to sort my feelings out(Your ugly)

4.)I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way(your ugly)

5.)My life is to complicated right now(your ugly)

6.)I need some time to myself(your ugly)

7.)I'm married(your ugly)

8.)It's not you, it's me(your ugly)

9.)i'm celibate(your ugly)

10.)Lets be friends(your ugly)

Definition of Friend: A person flawed in such a way as to rule them out for dating purpouses

100I

5th January 2007, 07:20 PM

I have some Saddam Hussein turtle neck shirts for sale.

They're a bit tight around the neck.

dmdigital

5th January 2007, 07:23 PM

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

Vandermorph

15th January 2007, 09:24 AM

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

coz he was dead

why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

it was tied to the first monkey

why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree?

thought it was a game.

why did the tree fall down?

thought it was a monkey

VladTepes

15th January 2007, 01:00 PM

Get off the drugs, Vandermorph !

If you're not on drugs...

get on some !

Quiggers

15th January 2007, 01:26 PM

I think Kep Enderby said it in jest, hoping someone may pick him up....(yours): "Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

It's also been attributed to GWBush, who said it for real......

I heard this one a few days ago:

Why don't the English Cricket team eat omlettes?
Because they can't beat an egg!!!

GQ

Vandermorph

15th January 2007, 01:32 PM

Get off the drugs, Vandermorph !

If you're not on drugs...

get on some !

Awwwwww i thought those were good jokes!:( Maybe i need a sense of humour:) Were can i buy one?

Quiggers

15th January 2007, 01:44 PM

Canned Laughter is available in a can, just watch any US tv show...VM... get off the computer and hoof it to Dubbo and fight some fires....
given your gags are sooo good, the fires would die laughing.....

GQ

Vandermorph

15th January 2007, 06:53 PM

dobbo

15th January 2007, 07:01 PM

Get off the drugs, Vandermorph !

If you're not on drugs...

get on some !

Considering your profession that is one of the funniest things I have read in this thread;)

Sorry VM I have to agree though, or at least put that fast keystroke to some good:wasntme:

Vandermorph

16th January 2007, 04:46 PM

Considering your profession that is one of the funniest things I have read in this thread;)

Sorry VM I have to agree though, or at least put that fast keystroke to some good:wasntme:

How do you know i type fast?

Bytemrk

16th January 2007, 05:17 PM

Today is Einstein's birthday. He would have been 107.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa
Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and
postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts; the
attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::p

Mark

p38arover

16th January 2007, 05:53 PM

I think Kep Enderby said it in jest, hoping someone may pick him up....(yours): "Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

It's also been attributed to GWBush, who said it for real......

In Bush's case, it's a perfectly reasonable statement.

The USA has land links to directly to Canada and Mexico so imports from those countries don't come from overseas.

Imports from South America could come overland, not necessarily from overseas.

Ron

Blknight.aus

16th January 2007, 06:33 PM

if these posts keep coming like this we're not going to need to re-instate the stars thread this one will replace it...

so any way...

the little old lady lived in a nice blue house with a nice blue driveway and a nice blue path, the grass naturally was genetically modified to be blue... the fence was blue even the sky was blue..

one day a nice man wearing a blue hat and a blue jacket walked up the blue path to the blue steps climbed them and approached the blue door. Searching for a second he saw the blue button on the blue facia and pressed it, sure enough "blue blue" went the hidden blue door bell inside the blue house behind the blue door.

soon the steps of the little old lady in blue were to be heard coming down the inside steps of the blue house and she, in due time, opened the blue door to reveal through its blue frame a wonderous blue interior.

The man in the blue hat and the blue jacket flicked his head back and whipped open his blue jacket the blue hat falling off in the process. To the old blue ladies shock and bewilderment he was naked and he was green, In her bedazzlement and confusion she paniced and ran down the blue path over the blue kerb to be crushed by a big truck on her journy across the road, natually she bled gentically modified blue blood.

The moral of the story?

Dont cross the street if the green man is flashing.

Vandermorph

16th January 2007, 07:00 PM

Pedro_The_Swift

16th January 2007, 07:40 PM

Blknight.aus

16th January 2007, 08:22 PM

Is there one a about a RED man?

yeah, some places flash the green man others flash the red Ive even seen one place where on one side of the street the red man flashed but going the other way the green man flashed..... the joke varies to suit.

Vandermorph

16th January 2007, 08:24 PM

yeah, some places flash the green man others flash the red Ive even seen one place where on one side of the street the red man flashed but going the other way the green man flashed..... the joke varies to suit.

Okay well it was a good one!:D It suits the occasion just fine

DeeJay

16th January 2007, 09:31 PM

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you
in awhile. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg?" the bartender asks. "You didn't have that
before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine
now." says the pirate.

"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" asked the
bartender.

"We were in another battle." replied the pirate. "I boarded a ship and got
into a sword fight. My hand was cut off, but I got fitted with a hook. I'm
fine, really."

Then the bartender asks, "So, what about that eye patch?"

The pirate replies, "Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of sea gulls
flew over. I looked up and one of them ***** in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from
bird *****."

The pirate responds, "It was my first day with the hook."

dmdigital

16th January 2007, 09:39 PM

Aaaarrrrrr:angel:

RichardK

17th January 2007, 10:17 PM

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!

Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

RichardK

17th January 2007, 10:27 PM

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's >mini van and headed north.
>
>After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So
>they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered
>the door if they could spend the night.
>
>"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
>to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
>neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
>
>"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
>weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the
>two men found their way to the barn and settled
>in for the night.
>
>Come morning, the weather had
>cleared, and they got on their way. They
>enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got
>an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure
>it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
>attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
>
>He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
>good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North
>about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob.
>"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
>house and pay her a visit?"
>
>"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I
>have to admit that I did."
>
>"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
>
>Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,
>buddy.
>I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
>
>"She just died and left me everything."

RobHay

17th January 2007, 11:05 PM

A Pom, an Italian and a Blonde were working on the construction of a 32 story highrise.

At lunch time the Pom opens up his lunch box, looks inside and states " Gwad blimey.......roast beef sandwhiches....again! I tell you if I get roast beef sandwhiches again...I am going to throw myself off this building".

The Italian looks into his lunch pail and states " Mama mia...pizza! ...pizza! every aday I geta da pizza....If I geta da pizza again, I too am going to throw myself orffa dis a building".

The Blond looks into his lunch and states " Look at this.... Double smoked shaved ham with a caesar salad, I swear I get this everyday......To-morrow if I get it I will join you in throwing myself off this building."

The next day at lunch time all three are on the 32 story, The Pom sits down opens up his lunch and roars " Roast Beef Sandwhiches !!!" at this he races to the edge and hurles himself off the building.

The Italian looks at the Blonde, opens his lunch and screams " PIZZA ...I gotta da PIZZA!!!! and he too hurles himself from the top floor.

The Blonde opens his lunch, jumps from the building shouting "Shaved ham and caesar salad" until he splats into the ground beside the other two.

At the combined funeral the three widows are seat together, The Pom's wife is crying uncontrollably " If only I had known" she wails " My poor Cedric.....I thought he loved Roast Beef...If only I had known.. I would have given him something else"

The Italian's wife is just about hysterical with grief " My Mario ! My Mario !
I a thought he loves da pizza, dats a why I feed my Mario da pizza. I coulda given him a somating else"

The Blonde's wife is sitting there dry eyed looking rather mystified by the proceedings.

Finally the Italian's wife turns to her and says "Whatsa matter with you, whya you notta crying....donta you wish you feed your man somating else?"

The Blonde's wife looks at the Italian's wife, looks at the coffin of her husband and turns back to the Italian's wife and replies "He always insisted on making his own lunch"

VladTepes

18th January 2007, 01:36 PM

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,
" I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat
belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk
to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking officer."!

VladTepes

18th January 2007, 01:37 PM

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the
answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are
unable to think this one through.
At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite
sides of the earth:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is
getting "oral pleasure" from an 85 year old woman. They are both
thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking?

Don't look down.
Don't look down.
Don't look down

VladTepes

18th January 2007, 01:38 PM

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams & Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips, and gets her head jammed between the railings.

With a couple of sideways glances, Robbie pulls down her knickers and shags her senseless.

He stands back. Your turn, he tells Elton.

But Elton starts crying.

What's up? Asks Robbie.

Elton sobs," My head won't fit between the railings!"

Mud_Bogger6

18th January 2007, 09:56 PM

THINGS YOU DON'T SAY TO A COP

The Top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over:

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

sschmez

19th January 2007, 09:36 AM

PILOT ERROR .........

Tower:"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

************

Tower:"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341:"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

************

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately! "
Unknown aircraft:"I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

************

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):
" Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English):
"If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English):
"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .
Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"

************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702:"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635:"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern...
we've already notified our caterers."

************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206 .
Speedbird 206:" Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground:"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206:"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly):"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

************

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am,"the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

VladTepes

20th January 2007, 12:18 PM

You pinching this stuff from the firearms forum or is it just a coincidence and people posting stuff they have received in email ?

Bytemrk

21st January 2007, 08:47 AM

An engineer dies and reports to hell.

Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with
a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got
air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a
mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the
staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And
just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

:p:p:p

Sith

21st January 2007, 04:27 PM

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson,died and
>>>went to heaven.
>>>At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man
>>>And
>>>your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is,you can hang out
>>>with anyone you want in Heaven."
>>>Arthur thought about it for a minute and said, "I want to hang out with
>>>God.
>>>
>>>St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
>>>God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
>>>invented
>>>the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
>>>Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
>>>God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty
>>>unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run
>>>without a road?"
>>>Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me,but
>>>Aren
>>>t You the inventor of woman?"
>>>God said, "Yes."
>>>"Well," said! Arthur..., "professional to professional, you have some
>>>major
>>>design flaws in your invention:
>>>1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
>>>2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
>>>3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
>>>4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
>>>5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
>>>"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, and said, "hold
>>>on."
>>>And God went to His Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and
>>>waited for the results.
>>>The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
>>>"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
>>>"But
>>>according to these statistics, more men are riding
>>>my invention than yours."

dmdigital

22nd January 2007, 08:38 PM

A guy is standing over his tee shot for what seems like an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, and figuring out the wind direction and speed. He's driving his partner nuts. Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

Rovernaut

22nd January 2007, 08:44 PM

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have
Commandments for you that will make your lives better.
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested"

God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother. "
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have
Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have
Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
"Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."

There, that ought to offend just about everybody!

Mud_Bogger6

22nd January 2007, 08:54 PM

Not Me, I love it LOL

VladTepes

22nd January 2007, 09:06 PM

Tommy Cooper classics (whoever he might be)
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "

"Is it common? "

"It's not unusual."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died.'"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"So I rang up a local building firm,

I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And

there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said
"You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.

And the dentist said to me

Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen,

it said

'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,

The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "

The man replied "I know I've been ill"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,

he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said "well don't go to those places"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a
month for the next 2 years.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night

dmdigital

22nd January 2007, 09:23 PM

Two blondes were planning to rob a bank. The first blonde had a tendancy to be smarter than the second.

They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank.

The first blonde says to the second blonde, "Are you SURE you understand the plan?"

"Yes!" replied the second blonde.

So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank.

Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second blonde has not returned. The first blonde gets very nervous.

Finally, out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down.

"No you idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!"

D110V8D

6th April 2007, 12:32 AM

Newfies adrift in a lifeboat...

Two Newfies, Jarge and Eli, were adrift in a lifeboat.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Jarge stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Jarge immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into Molson Canadian beer."

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Eli looked disgustedly at Jarge whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Eli said, "Nice going Jarge!

Now we're going to have to p.ss in the boat."

sschmez

17th May 2007, 10:38 PM

DON'T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM!

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying
you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to livelonger? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is
nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables
to yoursystem.
Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled
wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit soyou
get even more of the goodness that way.
Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in aregular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.
My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ...
Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you mayhave had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate
in the other body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming :

Woo Hoo, what a ride !

Ken

17th May 2007, 11:06 PM

A disable guy walks into an icecream parlour

He asks for an icecream

The lady behind the counter says what flavour would you like

He says it doesnt matter im going to drop it anyway :D :D :D :D

Maggot4x4

18th May 2007, 09:25 AM

How did the little gay mouse get AIDS?

He was bitten by a Poofy cat! (Boom Boom)

incisor

18th May 2007, 09:37 AM

How did the little gay mouse get AIDS?

He was bitten by a Poofy cat! (Boom Boom)

go and sit in the corner! ;):D:D:D

Cap

18th May 2007, 11:30 AM

A rabit and a bear are taking a dump in the bushes and the bear turns to the rabbit and says "Do you have a problem with ***** sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit said "No, why?"

So the bear just grabs the rabbit and wipes hes @ss with it :o

jx2mad

18th May 2007, 12:31 PM

A gynacologist became sick of his job and decided to become a mechanic. At the end of his tafe course the class had to strip and rebuild a motor. His results? 100% theory. 200% practical. When he queried his prac results he was told he got 100% for rebuild and the second 100% for stripping and rebuilding through the exhaust pipe!!!:p

Disco300Tdi

19th May 2007, 03:20 PM

I pulled an older woman at a club last night.
She was a bloody good sort for 57,
we drank,,,had a bit of a smooch
& she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double;
a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:
"Mum you still awake?"

Cap

19th May 2007, 03:23 PM

NOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Im scarred now...

Disco_owner

19th May 2007, 08:05 PM

what does virginia tech and mount everest have in common ?

they are both in the death zone and it's - 33.

LandyAndy

19th May 2007, 08:19 PM

GAVIN YOU IS ONE SICK UNIT!!!!!:D:D:D:D:D:D
Andrew

VladTepes

22nd May 2007, 11:15 AM

what does virginia tech and mount everest have in common ?

they are both in the death zone and it's - 33.

They also both have a killer slope.

Sorry sorry sorry I know I'm a bad person ......

Chenz

22nd May 2007, 11:26 AM

A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his
Irish assistant Paddy.,
"I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the
clinic.
I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our
patients"
"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.
The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: So,
Paddy, how was your day?
Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol."
"Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Gastrogel".
"Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the
doctor.
"Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman
enters. Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off
everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the
table,
spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen
a
man!'"
"Good God "says the doctor."What did you do?"
"I put drops in her eyes!"

VladTepes

22nd May 2007, 11:30 AM

An ergonomic Keyboard for Pirates

http://newsdesigner.com/blog/images/pirate.jpg

Rosco

22nd May 2007, 12:04 PM

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdy the second. On the third
hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone
rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the
doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon
as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up
to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes
before heading to the hospital.

He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a
personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating
his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to
the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about about his
wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were
out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your
wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and
finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!
For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock' care.
And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than
two hours ago. What'd you shoot?

Chenz

22nd May 2007, 02:33 PM

Same sort of joke but on a rugby theme:

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike
says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on
Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get
to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend
for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep
by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,
"Mike--Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad
news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet,
all of our old friends who died before us are here too. Better than that,
we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never
rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we
never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?"
"You're in the team for Tuesday."

Nat130

22nd May 2007, 02:39 PM

An email I just recieved..........from management

Did the plumber give anyone any sort of brief cum update yesterday after he spent time banging away on the roof?

p38arover

22nd May 2007, 06:58 PM

IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD

p38arover

22nd May 2007, 07:00 PM

IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD

VladTepes

23rd May 2007, 12:16 AM

the red cars, blue cars one is my favourite !

hiline

23rd May 2007, 04:20 AM

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.

He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under.

A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.

The doctor emerges from under her skirt.

"How's that?"

"Well, it's a lot better actually, but...........it's still there."

Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.

Snip, snip, snip, snip.

Out he comes.

"How's that?" he asks again more confident.

That's wonderful! What did you do?"

"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."

Nanna66

23rd May 2007, 05:55 AM

A young guy from Windale moves to Sydney and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The
Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in Windale."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30
customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the hell did you sell him?"
The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing
He said down the coast.
So I told him he was going to need a boat.
So we went down to the boat department and I sold him a
20ft twin engine Pongrass.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it.
So I took him down to the automotive department and sold
him that 4x4 Toyota."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife
and I said, 'Mate, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'

twitchy

23rd May 2007, 01:00 PM

John Howard:lol2::banana:

twitchy

23rd May 2007, 01:05 PM

Everyman’s Guide to Tools

Hammer
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive motor parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Stanley Knife
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing soft items.

Electric Hand Drill
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

Vice-Grips
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxy-Acetylene Torch
Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never find your BIC when you want it.

Whitworth Sockets
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old cigarettes from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

Drill Press
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Pamela Anderson poster over the bench grinder.

Wire Wheel
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Hand me another beer"

Phone
Tool for calling your neighbour/ambulance etc when other tools have attacked.

Gasket Scraper
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Timing Light
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

Stanley 1/2 x 16-Inch Screwdriver
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from your battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Hacksaw
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Lead Light
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found in garages at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200km away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts and rounds them off. Also used for tightening wheel nuts on a car to the point that if you get a flat you have no chance of undoing them with your wheel brace on the side of the road.

High Pressure Cleaner
A device that takes tap water up to a high enough pressure to be able to wash grease out of wheel bearings whilst still installed. Also useful in removing your stickers and paint.

Barra1

23rd May 2007, 01:13 PM

Only an Aussie

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to p*ss in the boat."

Outlaw

23rd May 2007, 02:31 PM

Rare condition

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

Outlaw

23rd May 2007, 02:35 PM

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini,
"I want to feel your breasts," he said.
"Get away from me, you dirty old man," she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $10" he says.
"$10 !! Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $50" he says.
"NO! Get away from me!"

"$100" he says.
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses & says, "I said NO!"

"$1000 if you let me feel your breasts," he says.
She thinks, well he is old ... and $1000 would be very handy....

"Well, OK...but only for a minute," she says.

She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel...and then he starts saying OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...while he is caressing them.

So out of curiosity, she asks him "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god'?"

While continuing to fondle her tits he answers "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get $1000?"

Outlaw

23rd May 2007, 02:37 PM

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic inspector shouted to me...

Hoy whats your disability?

I said "Tourettes! now f*** off you c***!"

Outlaw

23rd May 2007, 03:11 PM

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

hiline

24th May 2007, 01:38 AM

>>A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
>>Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed
>>a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
>>He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
>>The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here
>>on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges".
>>That's
>
>>why we have Molly the camel."
>>The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about
>>"urges", so the camel can stay."
>>About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges".
>>Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
>>Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
>>his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
>>When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
>>"No, not really, sir, they usually just ride the camel into town where the
>>girls are." :wasntme:

Nanna66

25th May 2007, 08:21 PM

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them.
"What's going on here?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus.
"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky,
and hit the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

VladTepes

29th May 2007, 12:18 PM

roflmao !

markyc

8th June 2007, 01:47 PM

Not a joke as such, more of a message for Vlad in support of PETA:
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?" (Peter Kay, fine comedian..)

hiline

13th June 2007, 09:32 PM

http://www.break.com/index/paris-hilton-leaked-jail-phone-call.html

leaked phone call from Paris Hilton ..........

hard to hear so turn up your volume a little

going by the call she aint keen on being locked inside :o

Pedro_The_Swift

14th June 2007, 06:36 AM

what a sook,,,

kie4

14th June 2007, 08:38 AM

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

DeeJay

16th June 2007, 09:39 PM

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he
was unable to get his old fella stiff. The doctor checked him out then
told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from
a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do
for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he
was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle
tissues from an elephant's trunk into his dick. The man thought about
it for a while.

The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for
him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to
the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and
try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took
her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.

In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that
continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the
pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the
top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her
face said, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"

With tears in his eyes he replied, "I think I can, but I am not sure if
another bread roll will fit up my @rse"

DeeJay

16th June 2007, 09:44 PM

Shaggy Sheep Story

A New Zealand farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will
lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.

Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the
first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good
measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive
them out to the woods.

He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls
knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out
of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the
grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn."