Jokes

[Eevo]

Pretty sure Eevo isn't standing up while he writes these gems.

DL

oh im not writing most of them.

[fitzy]

I often get asked why I help dwarves, it enriches the soul and they look up to me.

[Eevo]

How much does Santa pay for parking his sleigh?


Nothing, it’s on the house

[Eevo]

Yesterday I went to coles to buy a cabbage - I was told there is a new law that if you buy a cabbage from coles, you’re legally required to purchase carrots and mayonnaise as well.


Apparently it’s coles law.

[350RRC]

Been to the place that grows and makes a mega lot of commercial Oz coleslaw. Big operation.

DL

[350RRC]

How many Eevos does it take to change a light globe?

















Only one, but its really gotta want to change.

DL

[Fifth Columnist]

Yesterday I went to coles to buy a cabbage - I was told there is a new law that if you buy a cabbage from coles, you’re legally required to purchase carrots and mayonnaise as well.
Apparently it’s coles law.
You must have had a cheap box of Christmas crackers. [bighmmm]

[sashadidi]

156548

[Eevo]

If two meth heads start a relationship is it called speed dating? Or just mething around?

[Xtreme]

What do you get when Woolworths burns down?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
COLES

[Disco-tastic]

Its all about the delivery...

[350RRC]

Its all about the delivery...

Especially with baby jokes.

[gofish]

https://cdn.netrider.net.au/attachments/_20191027_171624-jpg.292701/

[gofish]

I showed my doctor a rash I developed on my bits.
He took a look at it and said come see me tomorrow morning.
I said ok and he went back to shopping with his wife and kids. [bigwhistle]

[jx2mad]

That was a rash thing to do in a shop

[NavyDiver]

Why don't skeletons go out at night?

Because they have no body to go out with.

[sashadidi]

156597

[Eevo]

don't ask me what I'm doing tomorrow I don't have 2020 vision

[Bigbjorn]

'You know you're a Westie when......



1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local Pizza Shop on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Mortein on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a petrol cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your ute does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20.. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your number plate personalised because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ' Pizza Hut' on the side.
24.. The biggest city you've ever been to is Woolworths.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A cyclone hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th year graduation because you were on jury duty. [and
you were only in 5th year 'cause your father was in 6th]
30. You think fast food is hitting a kangaroo at 110.....

[DiscoMick]

That's hilarious. I may be a secret westie. [emoji3]

[Bigbjorn]

Mick, you are not a Westie. You are a Logan Bogan. In Brisbane Westies live west of Moorooka and in Sinny west of Burwood. Melbourne has Northies, Westies, Easties as the city is totally surrounded by less desirable suburbs and their denizens.

[DiscoMick]

I once met an elderly woman from the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney whose proud boast was she had never been west of Town Hall. Seemed to think westies were a lower spacies.

I'm a former Logan Bogan now. I have graduated to the Sunshine Coast. Not sure what the local equivalent is.
I have however noted an awful lot of pony tails on blokes my age up here. Seems to be a thing - retire, grow a pony and do a Big Lap.
I'm working on it. Had my annual pensioner haircut in September. Doing the Big Lap in stages rather than one big trip. Lookout Tassie - you're next!
[emoji41]

[aussearcher]

Mick,
When you are in Hobart, be aware of the Flanalette Curtain...
A

[DiscoMick]

Pleeeeese explaaaiiinn!

[Homestar]

Curious Hobart: What's the origin of the 'Flannelette Curtain' and is it just a Hobart thing? - Curious Hobart - ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation) (https://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-07-24/curious-hobart-flannelette-curtain/10008468)

[austastar]

Hmmm,
Born and bred in Hobart, knew about Chiggers and Ravo etc but not the flannel curtain by name.
Cheers

[BradC]

Mario has been in WA for about 5 years. Came over on the BOAC with the family and got a job as a logger. He's done well, and after several letters home his mate Luigi comes out with his family.

Mario gets Luigi a job with the logging firm. Luigi gives him a lift to work on Monday, is handed his chainsaw and heads out into the forest with Mario. They are assigned their areas and off they go.

Monday afternoon, Mario and Luigi are packing up.
Luigi : "Hey Mario, how many trees you cutta downa today?"
Mario : "Gee Luigi, I cutta down 5 trees. Dey were biga ones ey."
Luigi : "Jesus Christ, I only cutta down 2 trees!"

They head off home for spaghetti and Marios home made Grappa (don't tell the ATO).

Tuesday they head off to work, pick up their chainsaws and head out into the forest.

Tuesday afternoon, Mario and Luigi are packing up.
Luigi : "Hey Mario, how many trees you cutta downa today?"
Mario : "Gee Luigi, I cutta down 6 trees. Last one was a littlie."
Luigi : "Jesus Christ, I only cutta down 3 trees!"

This repeats until the end of the week.

Luigi : "Hey Mario, how many trees you cutta downa today?"
Mario : "Luigi, I cutta down 4 trees. Lasta one was hooge."
Luigi : "Jesus Christ, I only cutta down 1 tree!"
Mario : "Hey Luigi, maybe therea something wronga with your saw, letta me takea look".

Luigi hands Mario his saw. Mario puts it on the ground, foot on the handle, choke on, pulls the rope and it roars into life.
Luigi shouting over the racket : "HEY MARIO, Watta dat noise?"

[RANDLOVER]

………………………….
I have however noted an awful lot of pony tails on blokes my age up here. Seems to be a thing - retire, grow a pony and do a Big Lap.
………......……….
[emoji41]

The pony tail is a cheap facelift for old blokes if they really pull it tight, try it and you'll see.

[rick130]

Bwahahahaha [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

[4bee]

That is fine if one has enough hair to pull tight.



I thought you were agonna say he handed him the chain saw handle out bar in. Then I thought ,"Naaaah, that would be a silly thing to say, they both couldn't be plonkers".

[smilebigeye]

[Eevo]

My mate rang me the other day to tell me he had changed his name by deed poll to Spinal Column.


I said, "Can I call you back?".

[RANDLOVER]

Police Officer to driver stopped for going the wrong way down a one way street " I'm going to have to fine you for driving down this one way street"
Driver "But I was only going one way!"
Officer "Didn't you see the arrows?"
Driver "Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians!"

[Eevo]

I found out my girlfriend is a ghost.


I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

[Eevo]

One day a man decided to retire...


He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.


He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.


After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.


In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"


She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."


"Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."


"But, where did you get the tools?"


"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."


The guy is stunned.


"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.


While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home.


Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"


"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."


"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."


No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.


"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"


When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.


"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"


She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.


"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Motorcycle?”.....

[Eevo]

Someone broke into the local police station and swapped all the lip balm for super glue.


Police remain tight lipped about the situation.

[Bigbjorn]

Eevo, 75-80 years ago you would have been sent to The Russian Front for those jokes.:bat:

[4bee]

Yeah the Eastern Front too Eevo, no place for sissies either.[biggrin]

[DeanoH]

Mario has been in WA for about 5 years. Came over on the BOAC with the family and got a job as a logger. He's done well, and after several letters home his mate Luigi comes out with his family.

Mario gets Luigi a job with the logging firm. Luigi gives him a lift to work on Monday, is handed his chainsaw and heads out into the forest with Mario. They are assigned their areas and off they go.

Monday afternoon, Mario and Luigi are packing up.
Luigi : "Hey Mario, how many trees you cutta downa today?"
Mario : "Gee Luigi, I cutta down 5 trees. Dey were biga ones ey."
Luigi : "Jesus Christ, I only cutta down 2 trees!"

They head off home for spaghetti and Marios home made Grappa (don't tell the ATO).

Tuesday they head off to work, pick up their chainsaws and head out into the forest.

Tuesday afternoon, Mario and Luigi are packing up.
Luigi : "Hey Mario, how many trees you cutta downa today?"
Mario : "Gee Luigi, I cutta down 6 trees. Last one was a littlie."
Luigi : "Jesus Christ, I only cutta down 3 trees!"

This repeats until the end of the week.

Luigi : "Hey Mario, how many trees you cutta downa today?"
Mario : "Luigi, I cutta down 4 trees. Lasta one was hooge."
Luigi : "Jesus Christ, I only cutta down 1 tree!"
Mario : "Hey Luigi, maybe therea something wronga with your saw, letta me takea look".

Luigi hands Mario his saw. Mario puts it on the ground, foot on the handle, choke on, pulls the rope and it roars into life.
Luigi shouting over the racket : "HEY MARIO, Watta dat noise?"

He now sells land rover parts :)

[Fifth Columnist]

Is it true that "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"? Or is it one of Granny's myths?

[Markf]

Is it true that "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"? Or is it one of Granny's myths?

Ohhhh ****ing groan....

[ChookD2]

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

[V8Ian]

DNA, an acronym for National Dyslexic Association.

[p38arover]

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

Reminds me of this sign at the Leonay Golf Club:

157138

And this one at the Red Cow pub in Penrith.

157139

[67hardtop]

Q, How do you make a sausage roll?


A, Push it down a hill

[4bee]

YIKES!

Come back Eevo all is forgiven.[biggrin]

[DiscoMick]

Q, How do you make a sausage roll?


A, Push it down a hillOur oldest son, now 38, told us that joke when he was 4.

[Eevo]

I'm making a documentary about how to fly a plane.


We're currently filming the pilot.

[Eevo]

My wife told me that the word "gullible" did not appear in the dictionary.


I checked, and it was there.


What an idiot she is.

[Fatso]

Q Whats the difference Cinderella and a Victorian football team ?

A Cinderella wanted to get to the Ball .

[Fatso]

Q Why did Tasmanian's evolve to grow two heads ?

A So they could have an intelligent conversation when they got to the mainland . :wasntme:

[DiscoMick]

Kiwi joke (I was told by a Kiwi):

Q: Why do Aussies wear thongs?
A: Too dumb to tie shoelaces?

[sashadidi]

My uncle was a self employed Lion tamer until the financial crisis of 2008 - the bank took nearly everything leaving him only with his pride.

[sashadidi]

Kiwi joke (I was told by a Kiwi):

Q: Why do Aussies wear thongs?
A: Too dumb to tie shoelaces?
I was told this by an ozzie years ago .Whats the difference between the entire Australian nation and a pottle of yogurt?The yogurt has more culture.

[67hardtop]

Only heard it that day for the first time and it cracked me up so I posted it. [emoji1787][emoji1787]
Our oldest son, now 38, told us that joke when he was 4.

[BradC]

I was told this by an ozzie years ago .Whats the difference between the entire Australian nation and a pottle of yogurt?The yogurt has more culture.

I lived in the UAE (specifically Dubai) for a "cough" few years. My common comment was "There's more culture in the dairy aisle of the supermarket". Apparently I'm cynical.

[Fatso]

What do you call a dog with no legs ?

Dosent matter what you call him , he wont come anyway .

[bob10]

A drover, who just moved to Queensland from Victoria, walks into a bar and orders three glasses of XXXX. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, He comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the drover, "You know, a glass goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cattleman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One's in Tassie, the other one's a Sandgroper. When we all left our home in Echuca , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.So, I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The drover becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The drover looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs."Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that the doctor told me my liver’s shot and I have to quit drinking”"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Eevo]

What's the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?


A bad marksman shoots but can't hit.

[RANDLOVER]

Nothing suceeds like.....a toothless budgie.

[Saulman1010]

I was reminded of this one the other day:


What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!


Sorry.
MJS

[4bee]

My Grandson & GGson are drummers (he taught him) & was just about to hit "Send" to ask him for an explanation when it suddenly hit me.[biggrin]

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.:redface:

[V8Ian]

My Grandson & GGson are drummers (he taught him) & was just about to hit "Send" to ask him for an explanation when it suddenly hit me.[biggrin]

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.:redface:
My son and his are also accomplished drummers, but they have aspirations of becoming musicians.

[4bee]

I suppose Mozart & his mates are a tad difficult to play on the drums.[biggrin]

[RANDLOVER]

What do you call someone who hangs out with singers and musicians?

A Drummer.

[jx2mad]

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman whose wife had twin boys?
He called the first one Hosea.

[4bee]

Don't tell me, he called the 2nd one Hose B, roight? [biggrin]

[Eevo]

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.

[superquag]

What's the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?


A bad marksman shoots but can't hit.


Took me a while to see the spoonerism... then it nearly killed me :)[biggrin]

[sashadidi]

157465

[sashadidi]

157466

[Eevo]

Being in a relationship is solving problems together.


Problems you wouldn't have if you were single.

[sashadidi]

157483

[Eevo]

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?


Short.

[67hardtop]

157466What do you call a Greek bloke who jumps out of plane??

Con descending.

[DiscoMick]

A woman told me people who eat meat are gross.
I replied that someone who sells fruit and vegetables is grocer.

[Eevo]

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'


The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.


Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.


Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone.

[4bee]

[biggrin][biggrin] Yep, I'll pay that one Eevo.[smilebigeye]

[Eevo]

My pet Budgie broke his leg yesterday, so I made him a splint out of matchsticks.


You should have seen his little face light up when he tried to walk.

[sashadidi]

157546

[sashadidi]

157547

[Eevo]

I got fired from my lawn maintenance job today.


I just wasn't cutting it.

[Saitch]

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'


The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.


Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.


Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone.

Crikeys, you're going back a few years there, with that. Perhaps the same time as 'Two Dogs'?

[V8Ian]

Crikeys, you're going back a few years there, with that. Perhaps the same time as 'Two Dogs'?
First thing I saw.

[Homestar]

One of our Sales reps is called 2 Dogs. No one uses his real name and if you talk to someone and use his real name they say ‘Who?’

[RANDLOVER]

I've heard of of people with a double barrelled surname like Fothergill-Smythe being nicknamed "Two Dads".

[rovers4]

There is a well known guy around here that goes by the surname of "X", as his real name is impossible for the local fraternity, and it starts with an x anyway.

At work there was a chap called "wheelbarrow" as one was required to carry his proper name - there was too much of it, and as you said it the sound was like a pile of rubble being poured into a 'barrow.

Another chap a few years earlier, had a given name-surname combination that when said quickly became an approximation of an under-water gas leak.

Can't remember the details but a few years ago there was a guy with a hyphenated surname that was widely recognised and sounded nice. Then he met a lass in a similar situation. But she was using that name professionally as well. They intended children. So the whole shebang was to be so-and-so xxxxx-yyyyy-aaaa-bbbbb.

[Eevo]

I sang the rainbow song in front of the police this morning.


They arrested me for colourful language.

[Bigbjorn]

Reminds me of this sign at the Leonay Golf Club:

157138

And this one at the Red Cow pub in Penrith.

157139

God, I must have got old. I remember when Penrith was a country town and the farmers would come in on Saturday to go shopping, pick up their mail, and stand outside the Red Cow for a few schooners. You could stand in the middle of High St. (the Great Western Highway) and have a chat with someone you met.

[DiscoMick]

There is a well known guy around here that goes by the surname of "X", as his real name is impossible for the local fraternity, and it starts with an x anyway.

At work there was a chap called "wheelbarrow" as one was required to carry his proper name - there was too much of it, and as you said it the sound was like a pile of rubble being poured into a 'barrow.

Another chap a few years earlier, had a given name-surname combination that when said quickly became an approximation of an under-water gas leak.

Can't remember the details but a few years ago there was a guy with a hyphenated surname that was widely recognised and sounded nice. Then he met a lass in a similar situation. But she was using that name professionally as well. They intended children. So the whole shebang was to be so-and-so xxxxx-yyyyy-aaaa-bbbbb.One of my workmates in Thailand had a 23 letter surname which was unpronounceable, so we all just called her 'Bu'.

[Saitch]

One of my workmates in Thailand had a 23 letter surname which was unpronounceable, so we all just called her 'Bu'.

So, if you were in discussion and mentioned her name to a person who didn't know her, would they have asked 'Bu who'?

[RANDLOVER]

I had a Greek barber named George with a long unpronouncable (to us) surname with lots of letters, so people just called him George Alphabet.

[Eevo]

William Shatner wanted to start up a line of female underwear.


Unfortunately Shatner Undies wasn’t the greatest brand name.

[Eevo]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day.
So the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down.
Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asked, "What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She pees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are".

[4bee]

God, I must have got old. I remember when Penrith was a country town and the farmers would come in on Saturday to go shopping, pick up their mail, and stand outside the Red Cow for a few schooners. You could stand in the middle of High St. (the Great Western Highway) and have a chat with someone you met.

Now days I guess you'd get knocked arse over tit by bunch of Lycra clad Cyclists.[smilebigeye]

[4bee]

William Shatner wanted to start up a line of female underwear.


Unfortunately Shatner Undies wasn’t the greatest brand name.

Even more so had they named it "William Shatner Undies." [biggrin]

[Eevo]

on monday we start diarrhea awareness week.
runs until friday.

[Eevo]

Because the Platypus both lays eggs , and produces milk, it's one of the few animals that's can make it's own custard.

[Eevo]

I've been going out with a weather girl.


I thought it would make a nice change to date a woman who wasn't right all the time.

[Eevo]

Felt pretty cocky an hour ago arriving to give blood.


Not so full of myself now...

[Eevo]

My mates and I are in a band called Duvet.


We're a cover band.

[Eevo]

Good Morning, today's workshop on Procrastination has been cancelled. See you next week.

[4bee]

"We might do one soon on Indecision running in parallel with your Procrastination one, or not." [smilebigeye]

[Eevo]

My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine."


I sucked at tennis.

[rick130]

My wife was disappointed to find out why my nickname in college was "The Love Machine."


I sucked at tennis.[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

[Eevo]

I had a blood test the other day which revealed my blood is full of tiny guitars and drums.


I've tested positive to a band substance.


And now I'm in Dire Straits.

[DiscoMick]

"We might do one soon on Indecision running in parallel with your Procrastination one, or not." [smilebigeye]Followed by one on Advanced Blame-shifting Strategies.

[superquag]

Followed by one on Advanced Blame-shifting Strategies.

'Politics - 101', - mods, is this allowed ?

[biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

[jx2mad]

I thought I was indecisive but now I am not sure

[V8Ian]

I'm going to stop procrastinating, I think, maybe.

[DiscoMick]

I was going to stop procrastinating, but I couldn't be bothered.

[DiscoMick]

'Politics - 101', - mods, is this allowed ?

[biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]Where's the politics? That's just human nature.

[Eevo]

It's lucky golf was invented.


How else would we know how big hailstones are.

[Eevo]

BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..


In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti..


Let’s hope he’s cured with one shot!!..

[4bee]

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already..


Sounds like a post normal night on the ****.[biggrin]

[Eevo]

The other day I gave up my seat to an older blind lady


And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver

[Eevo]

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

[Homestar]

That’s a golden oldie from Kenny Everett. [emoji106]

[Eevo]

I have a mate who tried to take a selfie while he was in the shower, but the image came out blurry.


He has selfie steam issues.

[RANDLOVER]

Here's one for Eevo:

My daughter just eloped with a dog walker, but I think I will soon catch up with them, as he left several good leads.

[Eevo]

I’m sick of people knocking on my door looking for donations ....just had a woman from the sperm bank .....boy did I give her a mouthful

[4bee]

One of your very best Eevo. [biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

:TakeABow:

[Eevo]

I have a phobia of overly engineered buildings.


It's a complex complex complex.

[Eevo]

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today. As soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.

[superquag]

Somebody asked if I was schizophrenic, dunno I said, we're in two minds about it. [biggrin]

[Eevo]

My wife told me sex is better on holidays.


I wasn't expecting that on a postcard she sent me from Greece.

[Eevo]

i feel sorry for the new head of clown recruiting.
big shoes to fill.

[NavyDiver]

A man called his wife: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get a promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from the office so I’ll swing by the house to pick up my things. Oh and please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said.

The following weekend the man came home a little tired but looking good. The wife welcomed him and asked if he caught many fish on the trip.


He answered: “Yes, lots of salmon, blue gill & a few swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pyjamas?”

The wife scoffed and replied: “I did. They were in your fishing box.”

[p38arover]

My wife told me sex is better on holidays.


I wasn't expecting that on a postcard she sent me from Greece.

Now I know why my wife goes on overseas holidays without me!

[DeeJay]

Having a chat with a bloke over a beer in my local last night. I discovered he was worth around $8 million and he told me the amazing story of how he got so rich. Basically when he left school he had little or no formal qualifications but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell. He knew he was never going to make it in an office job so it was nose to the grindstone time.
He left school at 15 and bought an old series Land Rover and spent a few weeks fixing it up, he then sold it for profit.
He then used the money to buy another and so on.
He did this a lot over the next 35 years, buying, repairing, selling, buying again.
He eventually moved onto Defenders in the 90's and then onto Range Rovers in the last eight or nine years.
Even during the real bad times he plugged away.
He worked long hours as you do in the Land Rover trade, sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.
Then his uncle died and left him $8 million.

[Eevo]

I got kicked out of the cinema yesterday for bringing my own food.


My argument was the prices they charge are insane, and besides, I hadn't had a bbq in ages.

[Eevo]

Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

[4bee]

Having a chat with a bloke over a beer in my local last night. I discovered he was worth around $8 million and he told me the amazing story of how he got so rich. Basically when he left school he had little or no formal qualifications but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell. He knew he was never going to make it in an office job so it was nose to the grindstone time.
He left school at 15 and bought an old series Land Rover and spent a few weeks fixing it up, he then sold it for profit.
He then used the money to buy another and so on.
He did this a lot over the next 35 years, buying, repairing, selling, buying again.
He eventually moved onto Defenders in the 90's and then onto Range Rovers in the last eight or nine years.
Even during the real bad times he plugged away.
He worked long hours as you do in the Land Rover trade, sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.
Then his uncle died and left him $8 million.



Tongue in cheek I realise, but in real life his Uncle would have appreciated his work ethic over many years, which was probably the same as his, & how he got to accumulate the 8 mill. in the first place to leave to his nephew.

Just sayin'[smilebigeye]

[Xtreme]

Having a chat with a bloke over a beer in my local last night. I discovered he was worth around $8 million and he told me the amazing story of how he got so rich. Basically when he left school he had little or no formal qualifications but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell. He knew he was never going to make it in an office job so it was nose to the grindstone time.
He left school at 15 and bought an old series Land Rover and spent a few weeks fixing it up, he then sold it for profit.
He then used the money to buy another and so on.
He did this a lot over the next 35 years, buying, repairing, selling, buying again.
He eventually moved onto Defenders in the 90's and then onto Range Rovers in the last eight or nine years.
Even during the real bad times he plugged away.
He worked long hours as you do in the Land Rover trade, sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.
Then his uncle died and left him $8 million.


I started off like that bloke .................. still waiting for my 8mil though!

[jx2mad]

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

[4bee]

[biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

[4bee]

I started off like that bloke .................. still waiting for my 8mil though!

You may have already, it's just that your Accountant is possibly fiddlin' the cash box.[biggrin]

[Fifth Columnist]

Has Mick Marsh got the car owner virus?

[Eevo]

I asked my wife what she wants for Valentines day this year.


She said, " Something with diamonds".


So I'm getting her a deck of cards.

[Eevo]

Has Mick Marsh got the car owner virus?

play on words? corona virus?

[Eevo]

my wife is amazing.
she surprised me with 1m of life insurance and a trip to china!

[Fifth Columnist]

play on words? corona virus?
As if I would. [bighmmm]

[V8Ian]

The old man lay in his bed. The Doctors could do nothing more for him. He knew he was dying but he was content, he had lived a long, eventful and happy life. His Children and Grand Children had brought their families from near and far to pay their respects and his mates had all come to see him. He could hear them all in the house, trying to keep their noise down, so as not to disturb him.

His loving Wife was busy baking in the kitchen and all sorts of enticing cooking smells wafted through the house. He smelled his very favourite cake and longed to taste one again. With a huge effort, he dragged himself out of bed and put on a dressing gown. He staggered slowly through the house to the kitchen and with delight, saw his favourite. He lifted his hand to take one, when WHACK, a wooden spoon hit it out of his hand. His Wife said "Don't touch those, they are for the wake after the funeral"

[Ancient Mariner]

Bloke rings his missus and tells her the boss has invited him out on his boat for a few days fishing so could she get his fishing box,rods,and clothes for a few days including his new silk pyjamas and he will pick them up on the way.Bloke returns after a few days looking happy and relaxed and wife asks how the fishing went.Great the bloke replies but why didn't you pack my silk pyjamas Wife replies I did they
were in your fishing box

[Eevo]

RENT ME FOR VALENTINES DAY


Friend Zone - $50
1 hour of basic hanging out. No touching or handholding. Just to make you feel less lonely. Only available morning or afternoon.


Innocent romance - $80
1 hour walk along the beach or in the park. Hand holding in private only. No photos.


We’re almost official! - $130
2 hour evening date, includes a meal or ice cream up to the value of $20. Includes public handholding and private kiss good night (no tongue). Extra $30 to pose for an insta pic


We’re DATING! - $220
Includes pickup, and 3 hour evening date. Dinner and movies with flowers and chocolates gift provided (photo opportunity available). Unlimited hand holding and kiss goodnight (with tongue). You will also get your name in my Instagram bio for 7 days after.

[pop058]

RENT ME FOR VALENTINES DAY


Friend Zone - $50
1 hour of basic hanging out. No touching or handholding. Just to make you feel less lonely. Only available morning or afternoon.


Innocent romance - $80
1 hour walk along the beach or in the park. Hand holding in private only. No photos.


We’re almost official! - $130
2 hour evening date, includes a meal or ice cream up to the value of $20. Includes public handholding and private kiss good night (no tongue). Extra $30 to pose for an insta pic


We’re DATING! - $220
Includes pickup, and 3 hour evening date. Dinner and movies with flowers and chocolates gift provided (photo opportunity available). Unlimited hand holding and kiss goodnight (with tongue). You will also get your name in my Instagram bio for 7 days after.

I know a couple of people that will take you up on that Eevo. Steve will do the $80 one and Richard will go for the $220. Your contact details so I can pass them on ? [bigrolf]

[Fatso]

My wife says i only have 2 faults

I dont listen and something else.....

[Hogarthde]

Damn you Pop,...... now I just cannot get that image out of my head !

and to think that Ian is encouraging you, I must take a Bex and lie down

[Bigbjorn]

Damn you Pop,...... now I just cannot get that image out of my head !

and to think that Ian is encouraging you, I must take a Bex and lie down

Don't forget the cup of tea.

[pop058]

Damn you Pop,...... now I just cannot get that image out of my head !

and to think that Ian is encouraging you, I must take a Bex and lie down

Your welcome [biggrin]

[Fatso]

Q What does Mitt Romney say when he farts ?

A Obama did it .

[Fatso]

An Aussie said , " Take away your snow capped mountains , culture , and good food , and what would new Zealand be ? " .

The Kiwi answered " Australia "

[Eevo]

I was once addicted to Viagra.


It was the hardest time of my life.

[Eevo]

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

[Eevo]

Guys, for Valentine’s Day leave 3 notes scattered around your house for your girlfriend that say “Will”, “you”, and “me.” That’ll keep her busy while you watch sports.

[350RRC]

Guys, for Valentine’s Day leave 3 notes scattered around your house for your girlfriend that say “Will”, “you”, and “me.” That’ll keep her busy while you watch sports.

Till she gets frustrated and says ‘oh....blow!’

Bet that gets your attention away from the beach volleyball. 😎

DL

[Eevo]

I don't want to brag, but I have sychic powers.


For example, right now you're thinking, " It's psychic you idiot! ".

[sashadidi]

158104

[sashadidi]

158105

[sashadidi]

158106

[67hardtop]

People are usually shocked to find out I'm not a good electrician

[NavyDiver]

https://lifeisalabyrinth.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/military-humor-funny-joke-soldier-sailor-invisible-ship-philadelphia-experiment-australia-navy.jpg Ship What ship ?

[Ricrose]

If we are putting up pictures .....https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200219/04dd87a947d356ddab970dad7cdb71ee.jpg

[V8Ian]

https://lifeisalabyrinth.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/military-humor-funny-joke-soldier-sailor-invisible-ship-philadelphia-experiment-australia-navy.jpg

Ship What ship ?
The one behind the Pretty Officer.

[Eevo]

Three ways to annoy people:
1. Over promise
2. Under deliver

[Eevo]

I went to the doctor cos I was suffering from insomnia. He told me not to lose any sleep over it.

[sashadidi]

158136

[Eevo]

I just quit my job at the helium factory.


I won't be spoken to in that tone.

[Eevo]

I just saw a sports car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit.


It was a lamb bikini.

[superquag]

If we are putting up pictures .....https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200219/04dd87a947d356ddab970dad7cdb71ee.jpg

Same 'Tribe' of learned experts who boa$ted that 'More Doctors smoke Camels than any other...'

and insisted on six WEEKS of 100%, lay perfectly still / literally don't move a muscle...bed rest as treatment for a heart attack...
- and let's not comment about some of their current prescribing dogmas !

[4bee]

The one behind the Pretty Officer.


Some ships have a Ship's Cat, that one has a Ship's Pussy. [smilebigeye]


Divs, I would really like to see what they were photographing & looking at to the right which is actually Port/Red, to you.[biggrin]

[pop058]

Some ships have a Ship's Cat, that one has a Ship's Pussy. [smilebigeye]


Divs, I would really like to see what they were photographing & looking at to the right which is actually Port/Red, to you.[biggrin]

Interesting

[Eevo]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent.


The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."


The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."

[Tins]

Some ships have a Ship's Cat, that one has a Ship's Pussy. [smilebigeye]


Divs, I would really like to see what they were photographing & looking at to the right which is actually Port/Red, to you.[biggrin]

I'm not 100% sure the 'modern Navy' would approve. Pussies have equal rights in a diverse environment, and there must be safe spaces aboard warships.

[p38arover]

Some ships have a Ship's Cat, that one has a Ship's Pussy. [smilebigeye]

Naval ships do have pussers.

A friend (and ex-colleague) of mine runs the PussersGreenies (Electrical Branch) website: PussersGreenies on Line (https://www.pussersgreenies.org/)

[4bee]

You would need Pussers to look after the Pussies for 'elf & safety & Disciplinary reasons.

Would that make his Rank PO (P)?

[smilebigeye]

[Bigbjorn]

I'm not 100% sure the 'modern Navy' would approve. Pussies have equal rights in a diverse environment, and there must be safe spaces aboard warships.

Are they still called hammock liners or is that no longer politically correct? I know it is considered very naughty in the modern army to refer to the female members as groundsheets as in the past.

[DiscoMick]

Matthew Flinders had a pussy which became famous as the first cat to circumnavigate Australia.

[rick130]

I don remember reading in an English textbook in high school, year 7 I seem to recall;

"Sir Francis Chichester circumcised the world in a 40' cutter"

True story. [emoji16]

[4bee]

[biggrin]

It must have been a big, er, DoDa to justify such a tool, Rick. [biggrin]


BTW shipmate, & just for the record, it was described as a 56' Ketch. Gypsy Moth IV.:rolleyes: Nit picking? Moi?[smilebigeye]

[V8Ian]

I was in primary school when he went for a bit of a sail. If my memory serves me correctly, Mrs C kept his dinner warm for about nine months.

[p38arover]

[biggrin]
BTW shipmate, & just for the record, it was described as a 56' Ketch. Gypsy Moth IV.:rolleyes: Nit picking? Moi?[smilebigeye]

And he went to Norfolk Island with a different Gypsy Moth. His Gypsy Moth was the first aircraft to land on the island. I recall reading about it when I lived there.

THE FIRST AIRCRAFT TO VISIT NORFOLK ISLAND ... by Bob Carveth (http://www.norfolkonlinenews.com/non-lead-stories/the-first-aircraft-to-visit-norfolk-island)

[4bee]

He also visited Lord Howe Island, unless they got that wrong but may have been at the same time. Obviuosly not at the same time as yours 'cos that would be silly, if not bloody impossible.[smilebigeye]


https://www.flickr.com/photos/lhimuseum/sets/72157628788431475/ (https://www.flickr.com/photos/lhimuseum/sets/72157628788431475/)ong.


Ian, it took him a while & his din dins would have been icy cold. Try 226 days.[biggrin]

[V8Ian]

Ian, it took him a while & his din dins would have been icy cold. Try 226 days.[biggrin]
I hope it was a salad then. It couldn't have been pizza, they weren't invented then.

[4bee]

I hope it was a salad then. It couldn't have been pizza, they weren't invented then. I wouldn't have thought so either.

It seems we'd both be wrong.



1889

Specifically, baker Raffaele Esposito from Naples is often given credit for making the first such pizza pie. Historians note, however, that street vendors in Naples sold flatbreads with toppings for many years before then. Legend has it that Italian King Umberto I and Queen Margherita visited Naples in 1889.

[V8Ian]

I wouldn't have thought so either.

It seems we'd both be wrong.
Nah, I remember it well. First Pizza Hut opened in Queensland was at Annerley in 1973. I was a frequent flier. [biggrin]

[Eevo]

I was in a band during the 80's called The Prevention.


We were better than the Cure.

[Tins]

Are they still called hammock liners or is that no longer politically correct? I know it is considered very naughty in the modern army to refer to the female members as groundsheets as in the past.

I'm way too old and innocent to remember those times accurately.. The Army didn't use hammocks, and any lumps in my groundsheet were usually rocks, sadly..

[superquag]

I was in primary school when he went for a bit of a sail. If my memory serves me correctly, Mrs C kept his dinner warm for about nine months.

'Leftovers' ?
Bubble & Squeak?

Or just being economical - waste not - Want Not !

[pop058]

'Leftovers' ?
Bubble & Squeak?

Or just being economical - waste not - Want Not !

Train smash, based on what was left over mixed with mashed spud.

[Saitch]

I was in primary school when he went for a bit of a sail. If my memory serves me correctly, Mrs C kept his dinner warm for about nine months.

Might have been a longer stint if it was with Gypsy Rose Lee!

[V8Ian]

Might have been a longer stint if it was with Gypsy Rose Lee!
Before my time, I had to Google it.
He'd probably had his bubble and squeak launched at him.

[Fifth Columnist]

Didn't he buy half of NZ to plant trees?

[4bee]

Before my time, I had to Google it.
He'd probably had his bubble and squeak launched at him.



He may have squeaked if the dinner plate had got him in the Nads.[happycry]

[sashadidi]

158329

[p38arover]

If my memory serves me correctly, Mrs C kept his dinner warm for about nine months.

He ate her baby? [bawl]

[Eevo]

I'm a kiwi and I just got banned from Mitre 10.


All I wanted to do is stain my deck.

[Eevo]

If there's one thing that ****es me off it's people exaggerating things.


If I've said this once, I've said it ten billion times!

[discorevy]

Never seen anyone drink 20 litres of petrol before but Jerry can

[discorevy]

Bob and Beryl at the Doctors discussing Bobs health issues, when Doc says to Bob ' I'm going to need a lot of

samples including urine, sweat, faeces, and semen'. Bob ,being a bit deaf turns to Beryl 'WHAT DID HE SAY?'




Beryl ,quickly replies 'HE SAID HE NEEDS YOUR UNDERPANTS

[DieselDan]

I'm a kiwi and I just got banned from Mitre 10.


All I wanted to do is stain my deck.You been watching the Schaeffer's deck sealant ads on YouTube, Eevo?? [emoji38]

[DiscoMick]

Did you hear about the drug addict who snorted flies for a buzz?

[RANDLOVER]

Drove past a Vet's sign the other day that said,
"When you have a bladder infection"
"Urine trouble"

[Eevo]

I proposed to my ex wife last week, but she said no.


She knew I was only after her for my money.

[Eevo]

A farmer was ploughing his paddock in his airconditioned tractor when over the radio comes an ad for the "worlds biggest tractor fair" coming to Toowoomba.
He was so excited. He'd gone up with tractors all his life. He couldnt believe it was actually coming to his town.
Day after day he kept ploughing the land, hearing the ad and he was pumped up to go.
As the months turned into weeks, he told his family to get ready for the big day. His family knew their dad was a tractor nut and all declined the invitation. It didnt dampen his enthusiasm at all.

Finally the big day arrived. The worlds greatest tractor fair was on. He dressed in his best clothes, jumped in the car and headed off into town.
As he got closer to the fair grounds, he could see there was quite a bit of interest in the tractors. People were everywhere. He parked the car and off he went. His heart was running fast. He could hardly contain his excitement. He paid his entrance fee and in he went.
Wow, he coild not believe his eyes, every tractor he could inagine was there. From the old massey Fergusons right up to the latest john deeres. He walked around the fair for 20 minutes or so and came across a new McCormick tractor. It was beautiful. He walked around the tractor for a few minutes, sizing it up, then jumped on the first step, opened the cab door and he was inside. He turned the engine over and listened to the hum it made. Within a minute, security were onto him and jumped into the tractor and pulled him out. They gave him a stern warning that touching the tractors was off limits.

Not to be discouraged, he continued his walk through the fair. It was long before he came across the top of the range New Holland. He'd seen nothing like it. It was by far the best tractor he had seen. He had a quick walk around it, there was no security in sight so he took a chance. Up he jumped into the cabin, hit the start button and he was off. Imagining ploughing back on the farm. Security heard the commotion and again raced over and removed him from the tractor. " you do yhat again mate and you're out. Final warning."
He continued, a bit disappointed but hey, this was his dream come true and he wasnt about to let those setbacks ruin his day.

As he got about halfway through the exhibition he came across a huge stage, "The Worlds Greatest Tractor". It was a massive John Deere, a true allrounder in agriculture. He couldnt contain his enthusiasm. He had a good look around, no security to be seen. In a secong he was off, up the stage steps, up the steps of the john deere and into the cab.
He locked the doors and slammed the start button. The machine started with a roar. Wow, this was the best thing ever, he turned on the radio, pumped up the air conditioner and closed his eyes and thought of driving this baby at home. He was startled to find the security onto him so quickly. This time they grabbed him by the shirt, reefed him out of the cab and marched him straight to the exit. As they got him outside they threw him into the dirt and told him not to return.
He was devastated. He couldnt believe it. He'd been thrown out. This was the most embarrassing moment of his life.
He stood, dusted himself off and looked around.

Across the road was a pub. Well, why not he thought. This had turned out to be his worst day ever.
He walked into the pub and up to the bar and ordered a beer. The barman could see he was a bit unsettled and asked if everything was ok. Yeah, its ok mate.
At this moment the farmer noticed the barmans eyes were red and a bit watery. Is everything ok with you mate, your eyes look sore.
The barman replied that the smoke from the patrons smoking played with his sinuses sometimes.
The farmer got off his stool, walked into the middle of the room and took his deepest breathe ever. The barman couldnt believe what he was seeing. This farmer had just sucked all the smoke from the room in 1 breath. The farmer walked over to the nearest window and blew it all outside.
He walked back to the bar and the barman said,"that is bloody amazing! How can you do that?"
The farmer looked at him and said, "its easy mate, im an ex tractor fan".

[hodgo]

At the local University, there were four students taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far.

These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Uni until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it.

They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tyre and as a result, they missed the final.

The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day . . . The guys were excited and relieved. .. . They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.

They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.

Cool, they thought!

Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy. . . .

Then they turned the page.

On the second page was written. . .

For 95 points: Which tyre? _________

[Hogarthde]

Ithink extractor fan is a little better than “ better late than never”
mind you Eevo ,I only think so

[Eevo]

Ithink extractor fan is a little better than “ better late than never”
mind you Eevo ,I only think so


i'll try and find more :)

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A light hearted lparody about the virus to break the mood..

https://youtu.be/Fn5gu1Rgklk

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[sashadidi]

My wife said to me why don't you treat me like when we were dating?

So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.

[4bee]

[smilebigeye] They do tend to forget quite easily before opening their gob.[biggrin]

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[Tins]

I have no idea where
Рязанская облас& might be, but I think I like it. No joke.

[fclandy]

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate Master .

... is technically called an arachnoleptic fit.

[pop058]

... is technically called an arachnoleptic fit.

"An arachnoleptic fit is the little dance you do when you walk through a spider web as you try to get it off of you."

Learn something new everyday. [thumbsupbig]

[Tins]

... is technically called an arachnoleptic fit.

Or, in my case, anaphylactic. I don't fear them, but I should.. Them, and jumping ants, and bloody EU wasps. Why anyone would join the EU.... In fact, I think the wasps are German..... Now, before you Mods jump on me, read:

Vespula germanica


My little dance is a 'OMG RUN RUN' sorta thing. I'm not freaked out about cobwebs, we've always had those, I'm freaked out about what's caught in them. Could be a wasp......

I'm allergic to them. I have an EpiPen. I blame the Army. Got a Redback bite back then. Surely I can sue???!! :beer:Beer is my bet bet, as my friend says.

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It was electrifying...

[Eevo]

I got fired from my job today because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer "Smoking", or "Non smoking.


Apparently the correct terms are, "Cremation" and "Burial".

[fclandy]

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac ? He lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog [bighmmm]

and his mate, the dyslexic devil-worshipper, sold his soul to Santa

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[Fifth Columnist]

Before Coronavirus I'd cough to cover a fart.
Now I fart to cover a cough.

[rick130]

[emoji16]https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200313/a28ab76274661479ab55a93a7e249844.jpg

[rick130]

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[spudfan]

John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19, but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive

[fclandy]

WHO, the World Health Organisation, has advised that dogs are not susceptible to COVID-19, and that any dogs in quarantine may be released.

I repeat, WHO let the dogs out.

[Eevo]

I've been prescribed anti gloating cream.


I can't wait to rub it in.

[superquag]

I got fired from my job today because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer "Smoking", or "Non smoking.



... was the pun intended ?

[biggrin][bigwhistle][bigrolf]

[ChookD2]

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[Eevo]

Not everyone is suffering because of Coronavirus, the guy that invented hand sanitizer is rubbing his hands together.......

[4bee]

... was the pun intended ?

[biggrin][bigwhistle][bigrolf]

Well, look at who authored the Post. [bigrolf]

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[RANDLOVER]

A French joke about their neighbours
Q: Why don't Belgians eat pretzels?
A: Because they can't untangle the knot.

[jonesfam]

I Googled Covid-19.
Man, hasn't that gone viral?

[NavyDiver]

In our youth our mums' and dads' might have yelled at us to come home or not go out. Its rather unsettling to see my sisters and I now doing just that to mum and dad[biggrin]

[4bee]

I agree Divs, now home for tea & lunch & breakfast. Who could have forseen this crap, eh?

Well probably only the Doomsayers of course.

Ain't it ironic? You go thorough all your **** with your prang & start to get on top of it all when BANG all this **** happens. "Ah well, you say, "just another hurdle to jump, just as well to get them all at once."

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