Jokes

[Tins]

And someone was going to make 'merica great again.

Least he had a go. Nobody else in the last 50 years has done that, and the new bloke can't find his slippers in the morning. Oh, wait, what's morning?

[350RRC]

Any response from me should be in CA.

That is all, DL

[Homestar]

Agreed. Take this to CA please.

[Tins]

Just talkin' about some un-named bloke, Gav.

[pop058]

Agreed. Take this to CA please.

X2

[Tins]

What a bunch of sourpusses. Lighthearted fun. We would have moved on quickly until someone got all heavy and mentioned CA. Good grief, aren't we adults? Or has the FakeBook and Twister mentality of offence taken over?

Yeah, yeah, subject closed. Sigh.

[4bee]

As we dont appear to have a "you couldnt make it up" thread I guess I will put this here......[bigsmile]



Limpopo pastor farts on congregation to heal them

Limpopo pastor farts on congregation to heal them with ’God’s power’ (https://www.iol.co.za/news/south-africa/limpopo/limpopo-pastor-farts-on-congregation-to-heal-them-with-gods-power-c9fbae67-375c-4df8-a411-6e2ab5938eda)


I notice it doesn't even mention the random bouts of Diarrhea the guy gets after a big Feast of Rotted wild life.

Luck of the draw I guess.[bigrolf]

[sashadidi]

170069

[sashadidi]

170070

[Eevo]

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.

[cuppabillytea]

Similar things to that described above were a common occurrence on the Manly Ferries for quite some time.

[Eevo]

where did my post go? was no swear words in it.

[Homestar]

where did my post go? was no swear words in it.

It still has to be G rated - something you'd say with the kids around.

[V8Ian]

where did my post go? was no swear words in it.
You need to acquaint yourself with the conditions of access to AULRO.

[Gav 110]

You need to acquaint yourself with the conditions of access to AULRO.

It hasn’t fully disappeared
Joke still showing as the main pic on the app for the jokes thread[emoji1531][emoji1531]

[4bee]

It still has to be G rated - something you'd say with the kids around.


Kids can understand Asterisks? Maybe an Asterisk has a built in code?[smilebigeye]

[4bee]

Similar things to that described above were a common occurrence on the Manly Ferries for quite some time.


Not just on the Manly ones either I'll bet, cuppa.[biggrin]

[sashadidi]

170253

[DeeJay]

170256

[4bee]

[QUOTE=DeeJay;3076867]170256
I'd prefer the words of General Douglas MacArthur "I will return" & he bloody well did as well but it took him 3 years & I'm not sure I could breath that long in the ground or in the Ash Can.

Decisions, decisions.[bigsad]

[Eevo]

A man visits his GP with a steering wheel attached to the front of his pants. The doctor says “what on earth is going on here?” & the man replies “I was hoping you could tell me. It’s driving me nuts!”

[4bee]

A man visits his GP with a steering wheel attached to the front of his pants. The doctor says “what on earth is going on here?” & the man replies “I was hoping you could tell me. It’s driving me nuts!”


The Gear Knob would have been in there somewhere.

[Earthrover]

A man visits his GP with a steering wheel attached to the front of his pants. The doctor says “what on earth is going on here?” & the man replies “I was hoping you could tell me. It’s driving me nuts!”Hope the Dr didnt have a clutch

[Eevo]

I saw a homeless person living in a tyre. I did him a favour and punctured it. Now he lives in a flat.

[4bee]

I saw a homeless person living in a tyre. I did him a favour and punctured it. Now he lives in a flat.

Just think, if you had stacked a dozen up he could have had his own Block of flats.


BOOM tish.[smilebigeye]

[Xtreme]

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

[sashadidi]

170298

[sashadidi]

170299

[Tins]

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.


https://youtu.be/QereR0CViMY

[NavyDiver]

https://youtu.be/QereR0CViMY

He is not the Messiah. He is a very naughty boy [biggrin]

[rick130]

The Washington Post’s Mensa invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who’s both stupid and an asshole. We know who these people are.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. See MSM.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade , v.. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon , n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

[austastar]

Hi,

Roadwords

When the signs and speed limits are there, but not a road worker insight.

Cheers

[sashadidi]

Russian grenade sales

https://youtu.be/xWKbDs7JsEw

[sashadidi]

170302

[4bee]

Hi,

Roadwords

When the signs and speed limits are there, but not a road worker insight.

Cheers

.
Despite the big penalties the SA Govt introduced, but are still ignored.

EDIT.
The Govt actually planned to penalise road contractors if they didn't remove road works signs within a certain time of work being completed. Hefty penalties were announced.
Leaving the signs out created bottlenecks with slow moving traffic when there is no need for speed restrictions.


Has it worked? Who knows, I still see signs out from time to time & no bods around? Do they actually get penalised? No idea, but it is easy to imagine the contractors would only load the next tender job with it it being Govt. Roads anyway. Around & around we go, where it stops nobody knows.


Oh yes we do, when the Taxpayer foots the bill.[bigsad]






12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. There has to be one for Rick.[biggrin]

[RANDLOVER]

Which tyres do cats fit to their cars?

Purrellis

[Fifth Columnist]

Which tyres do cats fit to their cars?

Purrellis
Where's the 'Groan' button? [bawl]

[cripesamighty]

Or should that be Jaguar drivers... :wasntme: [bigwhistle] [biggrin]

[Fifth Columnist]

I walked into a bar and asked the barman what he recommended.
"How about a rhetorical question?" He asked.
"Why not?" I replied.
Then he threw me out for bringing my own.

[NavyDiver]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the “illegal” radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)

'Only when he's been drinking' !![biggrin]

[Tins]

Russian grenade sales

https://youtu.be/xWKbDs7JsEw

Blyad![bigwhistle]

[sashadidi]

170332

[sashadidi]

170333

[V8Ian]

Wife "So, you've bought another Land Rover, eh?"

170335

[Eevo]

A guy is on death row. Just before his execution the warden asks the guy what does he want for his 'last meal'?
The guy says "strawberries"
"Strawberries? They're out of season" said the warden.
The guy says "That's OK I can wait."

[rick130]

170332Bwahahahaha. [emoji23].
I hate to stay it, but this is so me.
Maybe that's why I'm single? [emoji848][emoji23]

[jonesfam]

Bwahahahaha. [emoji23].
I hate to stay it, but this is so me.
Maybe that's why I'm single? [emoji848][emoji23]

It's my 39th anniversary today, phoned SWMBO in Cloncurry to ask if she got the flowers I forgot to send?
She said "No, hope you enjoy the sex your not getting tonight!"
Gotta love marriage.
Jonesfam

[V8Ian]

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him:

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said. "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied. "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."

The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "Do you eat jam with the bread?"

Sighing, the Australian replied. "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said. "We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them and transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."

The Australian then asked. "Do you have sex in the States?"

The American smiled and said. "Why of course we do."

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked. "And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?"

"We throw them away, of course."

Now it was the Australian’s turn to smile.
"We don’t. In Australia we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?"

[Hogarthde]

Damn, guess what will come to mind when I watch those gum chewing cricketers.

See what I just did Ian?😲

[cuppabillytea]

So glad now that I was never one for chewing gum.

[ChookD2]

Blyad![bigwhistle]

Blyad? It was almost "Bye Vlad".

[rick130]

I'm so single..

That the last time I was somones type, I was donating blood

[Saitch]

I'm so single..

That the last time I was somones type, I was donating blood

Does this joke rate an A, an AB, a B or an O?

Please, no negative comments!

[4bee]

I'm so single..

That the last time I was somones type, I was donating blood


Was it Blue? For years my old Mum used to tell us if we bled even a little bit it should come out Blue.


Not until years later did we realise she was taking the **** because her UK family thought they were above everybody else. I still tell the GPs staff to expect a bit of Biro Blue Blood when they take a sample for a test. For some reason they look at me askance.

[rick130]

Does this joke rate an A, an AB, a B or an O?

Please, no negative comments!I was going to say O neg but I can't be positive? [emoji848][emoji23]

[ChookD2]

Does this joke rate an A, an AB, a B or an O?

Please, no negative comments!

This is not A Negative comment but you should B Positiive that you want nO Negative comments. A Positive comment could be seen to B Negative so let's have nO Positive comments either. [tonguewink]

[rick130]

This is not A Negative comment but you should B Positiive that you want nO Negative comments. A Positive comment could be seen to B Negative so let's have nO Positive comments either. [tonguewink]Give that man a beer! [emoji482]

[Hogarthde]

Or some of Ian’s Wrigley chewing gum

[bob10]

https://ci5.googleusercontent.com/proxy/PK4LYG2Gj3A65ofBuhsylQ6KmACgRpVd26Oq1I7oKBlu39rF5r 12Kpu26zvZ2vFPiivYwbK9-9UtmD90Z6ZIMN94IKAwIhpZJfLMpvqsl23g4HJehJ8IAOz7yEp NPrhMzLU1c1GVXSLmgNzbHrV5OmxLy2GiQg=s0-d-e1-ft#https://mcusercontent.com/09c8822a6967760a75e9e2032/images/b8379341-3504-4881-92fd-a11c5e1aa33b.jpg

[sashadidi]

170389

[sashadidi]

170390

[Eevo]

The first rule of passive aggressive club is....
You know what, nevermind. It's fine.

[Fifth Columnist]

My uncle went from being a 20 stone body builder to a 9 stone weakling in 6 weeks. He was later presented with atrophy.

[Eevo]

My girlfriend, Lorraine, left me today.
She found out I was shagging Claire Lee.
It’s ok though.
I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine has gone.

[spie]

I really enjoy telling dad jokes



Sometimes he even laughs

[Xtreme]

1. The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54

2. The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57

3. The world body building champion died at the age of 41

4. The best footballer in the world Maradona, died at the age of 60.

5. James Fuller Fixx credited with helping start America's fitness revolution by popularizing the sport of running died of a heart attack while jogging at 52 years of age.

BUT

5. The KFC inventor died at 94.

6. Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88

7. Imagine, cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102

8. The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake

9.And the Hennessey Liquor inventor died at 98.


How did these doctors cometo the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

The rabbit is always jumping up and down but it lives for only 2 years and the turtle that doesn't exercise at all, lives 400 years.

So, take some rest, chill, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life.

[NavyDiver]

A Navy one- The Admiral was on board for an exercise and was impresses when his brew turned up with a biscut with the Navy Crest stamped neatly on each of his biscuits. Impressed- he went to visit the galley and asked the Chief how he did it with the hope to rolling than neat trick out on all navy ships.

The Chief cook showed him. Each time a biscuit dough was cut he slapped it against his belt buckle and the result was a perfect Navy Crest impression.

The Admiral commented it might not be the most hygienic method? The Chief suggested if the Admiral was worried, he might choose to skip the doughnuts 170515

[sashadidi]

170520

[sashadidi]

170521

[sashadidi]

170522

[spudfan]

A

[pop058]

A

170550

[biggrin]

[sashadidi]

170565

[sashadidi]

170566

[sashadidi]

170567

[4bee]

170567


She'd probably also ask how much spare room was in that bag?

" He has got a crappy Saxaphone too, in fact I'll give you a tenner if you take that as well, but you'd better leave his Drum Kit".

[Fifth Columnist]

Out walking on the fells, a man falls into a concealed shaft. His wife calls after him "Are you okay?"
"Yeah"
"Are you hurt?"
"No, not a scratch"
"How come?"
"I'm still falling".

[windsock]

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill ?
A. A miracle.

Somewhere in the middle of Spain, a Lada is driving along and meets a donkey.
The donkey, never having seen a Lada before, asks:"What are you?"
The Lada: "I am a car. What are you?"
The donkey: "Hahahaha... I'm a horse..."

Man buys a Lada but after only one day of ownership returns it to the garage.
"It's no good mate, the car's no good for me" says the man
"Why not?" asks the car dealer.
"See that steep hill over there?" says the man pointing
"Well it will only get up to seventy five up there!"
"That's not bad really sir, for a Lada especially. I can't see a problem with that"
"Trouble is" said the man, " I live at ninety five!"

A man goes into a car accessory shop and say's to the assistant "Can I have a hub cap for my Lada?"
The assistant thinks for a moment and reply's "Okay, it seems a fair swap"

Did you hear about the bloke who had his Lada broken into?
The thieves put a radio in!

Why is a lada like a woman?
Because when you put your foot down there is no response!

What do you call a Lada convertible?
A Skip.

Heard of Lada's new turbo model?
It has pedals in the backseat, too!

How do you make a Lada worth twice as much?
You fill up the gas tank.

A kid is walking down the road when a car pulls up beside him.

The window winds down and a middle aged man peers out and says "Come into the car and I'll take you for a drive."
The kid refuses and walks on.
The car follows him and pulls up again.
"C'mon" says the driver "Hop in and I'll give you a packet of Smarties".
Again the kid refuses and walks away.
The car follows him and pulls up beside him again.
The driver steps out and says,
"If you come for a drive I'll give you all the sweets you want".
The kid turns around and says
"Look Dad, you bought the bloody Lada, now you deal with it!"

Why is the Lada's rear window heated?
So the hands of the people pushing it will not freeze.

How do you make a Lada disappear?
You spray it with rust remover!

Now they have made a new Lada, with two exhaust pipes.
So you can use it as a wheelbarrow at weekends.

A Lada can reach a speed of 125 mph, if it's transported on the railway!

Did you know that the Lada's instruction book contains 500 pages?
There are two pages with information about the car and 498 pages with bus and train timetables.

Why do insurance companies enjoy Lada's?
They are never stolen.

Why is there light under the Lada's bonnet?
So you can fix it 24 hours a day.

There is a new 16 valve Lada.
It has 8 in the engine, and 8 in the radio.

My cousin was unemployed. Then he became a Lada salesman.
He is still unemployed, but now we understand why

Do you know what all the Lada owners are dreaming about?
Getting a ticket for speeding.

From a newspaper: To the man who stole my Lada in 20 degrees of frost.
Keep the Lada, but please tell me how you started it!

Did you know that there are only two men working in the Lada factory?
One with scissors and one with glue.

Do you know what the trip counter in the Lada says when it's passing 20,000 miles?
Game Over!

A bloke was driving up the M1 in his Lada.
Suddenly there is a pop and a bang and the Lada starts to lose speed quickly so he pulls off to the hard shoulder.
A few minutes later a Porsche pulls up in front of them and a bloke jumps out.
"Do you want a tow mate?" he says, "yes please" the Lada driver replies.
"Ok, but if I go too fast then you will have to put your indicator on or I will lose myself!!"
So the two men set off and after about ten minutes a Ferrari pulls up alongside the Porsche and they start to race, forgetting the poor Lada behind.
Finally they take an exit to a little village and zoom past a little pub with a man standing outside it with his pint in his hand.
This bloke runs inside to his friends and blurts out;
"You'll never guess what I have just seen!
I saw a Ferrari and Porsche racing at 250 mph and a Lada indicating to overtake!!!"

What's the difference between a Lada and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 200 metres.

What do you call a Lada that starts first time?
A novelty.

What do you call a Lada that overtakes you?
A mirage.

What to you call a Lada with brakes?
Customised.

Guy #1: I was lucky yesterday, I won second prize in a lottery!
Guy #2: Lucky you! What did you win?
Guy #1: A Lada
Guy #2: Oh yeah, what was the first prize?
Guy #1: A basket of assorted fruits.

[Saitch]

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill ?
A. A miracle.

Somewhere in the middle of Spain, a Lada is driving along and meets a donkey.
The donkey, never having seen a Lada before, asks:"What are you?"
The Lada: "I am a car. What are you?"
The donkey: "Hahahaha... I'm a horse..."

Man buys a Lada but after only one day of ownership returns it to the garage.
"It's no good mate, the car's no good for me" says the man
"Why not?" asks the car dealer.
"See that steep hill over there?" says the man pointing
"Well it will only get up to seventy five up there!"
"That's not bad really sir, for a Lada especially. I can't see a problem with that"
"Trouble is" said the man, " I live at ninety five!"

A man goes into a car accessory shop and say's to the assistant "Can I have a hub cap for my Lada?"
The assistant thinks for a moment and reply's "Okay, it seems a fair swap"

Did you hear about the bloke who had his Lada broken into?
The thieves put a radio in!

Why is a lada like a woman?
Because when you put your foot down there is no response!

What do you call a Lada convertible?
A Skip.

Heard of Lada's new turbo model?
It has pedals in the backseat, too!

How do you make a Lada worth twice as much?
You fill up the gas tank.

A kid is walking down the road when a car pulls up beside him.

The window winds down and a middle aged man peers out and says "Come into the car and I'll take you for a drive."
The kid refuses and walks on.
The car follows him and pulls up again.
"C'mon" says the driver "Hop in and I'll give you a packet of Smarties".
Again the kid refuses and walks away.
The car follows him and pulls up beside him again.
The driver steps out and says,
"If you come for a drive I'll give you all the sweets you want".
The kid turns around and says
"Look Dad, you bought the bloody Lada, now you deal with it!"

Why is the Lada's rear window heated?
So the hands of the people pushing it will not freeze.

How do you make a Lada disappear?
You spray it with rust remover!

Now they have made a new Lada, with two exhaust pipes.
So you can use it as a wheelbarrow at weekends.

A Lada can reach a speed of 125 mph, if it's transported on the railway!

Did you know that the Lada's instruction book contains 500 pages?
There are two pages with information about the car and 498 pages with bus and train timetables.

Why do insurance companies enjoy Lada's?
They are never stolen.

Why is there light under the Lada's bonnet?
So you can fix it 24 hours a day.

There is a new 16 valve Lada.
It has 8 in the engine, and 8 in the radio.

My cousin was unemployed. Then he became a Lada salesman.
He is still unemployed, but now we understand why

Do you know what all the Lada owners are dreaming about?
Getting a ticket for speeding.

From a newspaper: To the man who stole my Lada in 20 degrees of frost.
Keep the Lada, but please tell me how you started it!

Did you know that there are only two men working in the Lada factory?
One with scissors and one with glue.

Do you know what the trip counter in the Lada says when it's passing 20,000 miles?
Game Over!

A bloke was driving up the M1 in his Lada.
Suddenly there is a pop and a bang and the Lada starts to lose speed quickly so he pulls off to the hard shoulder.
A few minutes later a Porsche pulls up in front of them and a bloke jumps out.
"Do you want a tow mate?" he says, "yes please" the Lada driver replies.
"Ok, but if I go too fast then you will have to put your indicator on or I will lose myself!!"
So the two men set off and after about ten minutes a Ferrari pulls up alongside the Porsche and they start to race, forgetting the poor Lada behind.
Finally they take an exit to a little village and zoom past a little pub with a man standing outside it with his pint in his hand.
This bloke runs inside to his friends and blurts out;
"You'll never guess what I have just seen!
I saw a Ferrari and Porsche racing at 250 mph and a Lada indicating to overtake!!!"

What's the difference between a Lada and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 200 metres.

What do you call a Lada that starts first time?
A novelty.

What do you call a Lada that overtakes you?
A mirage.

What to you call a Lada with brakes?
Customised.

Guy #1: I was lucky yesterday, I won second prize in a lottery!
Guy #2: Lucky you! What did you win?
Guy #1: A Lada
Guy #2: Oh yeah, what was the first prize?
Guy #1: A basket of assorted fruits.

Scene #2 : Enter JerryD![bigsmile]

[windsock]

Scene #2 : Enter JerryD![bigsmile]


[thumbsupbig] I'm hoping he'll vouch for some of the points made... [biggrin]

[V8Ian]

[thumbsupbig] I'm hoping he'll vouch for some of the points made... [biggrin]
Probably add some more.
How do you keep a sausage roll dry in a Ladarover?

[Eevo]

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she'd burn it.
So I bought her a candle.

[Gav 110]

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill ?
A. A miracle.

Somewhere in the middle of Spain, a Lada is driving along and meets a donkey.
The donkey, never having seen a Lada before, asks:"What are you?"
The Lada: "I am a car. What are you?"
The donkey: "Hahahaha... I'm a horse..."

Man buys a Lada but after only one day of ownership returns it to the garage.
"It's no good mate, the car's no good for me" says the man
"Why not?" asks the car dealer.
"See that steep hill over there?" says the man pointing
"Well it will only get up to seventy five up there!"
"That's not bad really sir, for a Lada especially. I can't see a problem with that"
"Trouble is" said the man, " I live at ninety five!"

A man goes into a car accessory shop and say's to the assistant "Can I have a hub cap for my Lada?"
The assistant thinks for a moment and reply's "Okay, it seems a fair swap"

Did you hear about the bloke who had his Lada broken into?
The thieves put a radio in!

Why is a lada like a woman?
Because when you put your foot down there is no response!

What do you call a Lada convertible?
A Skip.

Heard of Lada's new turbo model?
It has pedals in the backseat, too!

How do you make a Lada worth twice as much?
You fill up the gas tank.

A kid is walking down the road when a car pulls up beside him.

The window winds down and a middle aged man peers out and says "Come into the car and I'll take you for a drive."
The kid refuses and walks on.
The car follows him and pulls up again.
"C'mon" says the driver "Hop in and I'll give you a packet of Smarties".
Again the kid refuses and walks away.
The car follows him and pulls up beside him again.
The driver steps out and says,
"If you come for a drive I'll give you all the sweets you want".
The kid turns around and says
"Look Dad, you bought the bloody Lada, now you deal with it!"

Why is the Lada's rear window heated?
So the hands of the people pushing it will not freeze.

How do you make a Lada disappear?
You spray it with rust remover!

Now they have made a new Lada, with two exhaust pipes.
So you can use it as a wheelbarrow at weekends.

A Lada can reach a speed of 125 mph, if it's transported on the railway!

Did you know that the Lada's instruction book contains 500 pages?
There are two pages with information about the car and 498 pages with bus and train timetables.

Why do insurance companies enjoy Lada's?
They are never stolen.

Why is there light under the Lada's bonnet?
So you can fix it 24 hours a day.

There is a new 16 valve Lada.
It has 8 in the engine, and 8 in the radio.

My cousin was unemployed. Then he became a Lada salesman.
He is still unemployed, but now we understand why

Do you know what all the Lada owners are dreaming about?
Getting a ticket for speeding.

From a newspaper: To the man who stole my Lada in 20 degrees of frost.
Keep the Lada, but please tell me how you started it!

Did you know that there are only two men working in the Lada factory?
One with scissors and one with glue.

Do you know what the trip counter in the Lada says when it's passing 20,000 miles?
Game Over!

A bloke was driving up the M1 in his Lada.
Suddenly there is a pop and a bang and the Lada starts to lose speed quickly so he pulls off to the hard shoulder.
A few minutes later a Porsche pulls up in front of them and a bloke jumps out.
"Do you want a tow mate?" he says, "yes please" the Lada driver replies.
"Ok, but if I go too fast then you will have to put your indicator on or I will lose myself!!"
So the two men set off and after about ten minutes a Ferrari pulls up alongside the Porsche and they start to race, forgetting the poor Lada behind.
Finally they take an exit to a little village and zoom past a little pub with a man standing outside it with his pint in his hand.
This bloke runs inside to his friends and blurts out;
"You'll never guess what I have just seen!
I saw a Ferrari and Porsche racing at 250 mph and a Lada indicating to overtake!!!"

What's the difference between a Lada and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 200 metres.

What do you call a Lada that starts first time?
A novelty.

What do you call a Lada that overtakes you?
A mirage.

What to you call a Lada with brakes?
Customised.

Guy #1: I was lucky yesterday, I won second prize in a lottery!
Guy #2: Lucky you! What did you win?
Guy #1: A Lada
Guy #2: Oh yeah, what was the first prize?
Guy #1: A basket of assorted fruits.

That post was a Lada ****🤪

[POD]

Man buys a Lada but after only one day of ownership returns it to the garage.
"It's no good mate, the car's no good for me" says the man
"Why not?" asks the car dealer.
"See that steep hill over there?" says the man pointing
"Well it will only get up to seventy five up there!"
"That's not bad really sir, for a Lada especially. I can't see a problem with that"
"Trouble is" said the man, " I live at ninety five!"



Funniest car joke I have ever heard. :)

[shwza]

Funniest car joke I have ever heard. :)


A friend of mines parents had a Lada Niva. What a beast. Looks great out the front of any house. Usually where they spend most of their time

[Fifth Columnist]

Those used to be Skoda jokes...[bighmmm]

[4bee]

Those used to be Skoda jokes...[bighmmm]

..... and then Vee Wee took over SKODA & they now make some decent looking vehicles with the trimmings but unfortunately the name SKODA was Eskimo for Crap so really a name change would be a good move because of the low resale value. I would certainly look at a Skoda if I was looking again which I'm not, if only to get one of these in the package


I don't think her name would be Brunhilde but she'd do... 170687



SKODA first came to OZ in 1965, so 56 years.

Skoda Back In Australia | CarAdvice (https://www.caradvice.com.au/1826/skoda-back-in-australia/)

[shwza]

Those used to be Skoda jokes...[bighmmm]

Really? Were Skoda out here before Lada? What about Opel has anyone seen them here before they opened up shop here a few years back

[shwza]

The Tiny Škoda 130 RS Rally Car Is More Extreme Than We Could Have Imagined • Petrolicious (https://petrolicious.com/articles/the-tiny-skoda-130-rs-rally-car-is-more-extreme-than-we-could-have-imagined#&gid=1&pid=5)

[shwza]

Probably add some more.
How do you keep a sausage roll dry in a Ladarover?

We give up. How?

[4bee]

We give up. How? I thought I'd guessed this one previously but seems to have got lost "Praise the Lord". My answer is to keep it in the Larder. Groooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaannnnnnn.




EDIT


FWIW, I can recall a SKODA Dealer at Rose Park in Adelaide 1956-ish apparently when I was a lowly Apprentice [bigsad] & drove past the joint often.

[Eevo]

I was at the library this morning and someone was throwing Stephen King novels at people.
I was wondering why they would do such a thing...
Then IT hit me.

[shwza]

I was at the library this morning and someone was throwing Stephen King novels at people.
I was wondering why they would do such a thing...
Then IT hit me.

That would have given you quite the shining

[V8Ian]

..... and then Vee Wee took over SKODA & they now make some decent looking vehicles with the trimmings but unfortunately the name SKODA was Eskimo for Crap so really a name change would be a good move because of the low resale value. I would certainly look at a Skoda if I was looking again which I'm not, if only to get one of these in the package


I don't think her name would be Brunhilde but she'd do... 170687



SKODA first came to OZ in 1965, so 56 years.

Skoda Back In Australia | CarAdvice (https://www.caradvice.com.au/1826/skoda-back-in-australia/)I'd dispute that, they were here before '65.
They also had an unusual windscreen wiper movement. The wipers pivoted from the lower windscreen edges (as Holdens did prior to EJ), with the left side overlapping the right, whilst parked. When turned on, the left side moved alone, until at the extremity of its arc. As it started to return, the right started its arc. They wiped unsymmetrically. The mechanism to achieve that start, cycle and park must have been the most complex part of the car.

[V8Ian]

We give up. How?
Make sure it's a Mrs Macs, they come in sealed plastic. [bigrolf] True story, how it actually happened.

[shwza]

Make sure it's a Mrs Macs, they come in sealed plastic. [bigrolf] True story, how it actually happened.

Omg both your answers were a groan or a little huff at best lmaoo

Feral desert donkeys are digging wells, giving water to parched wildlife (https://theconversation.com/feral-desert-donkeys-are-digging-wells-giving-water-to-parched-wildlife-159909)

Donkeys are digging wells. What do you call a well that a donkey digs?

[cuppabillytea]

Q: My Uncle George is my Uncle. Uncle William is my Great Uncle but what uncle is Uncle Toby?









A: My Carb Uncle.

[superquag]

Omg both your answers were a groan or a little huff at best lmaoo

Feral desert donkeys are digging wells, giving water to parched wildlife (https://theconversation.com/feral-desert-donkeys-are-digging-wells-giving-water-to-parched-wildlife-159909)

Donkeys are digging wells. What do you call a well that a donkey digs?

Nearly did myself a Serious Injury when I read the link..... Nomenclature need not be a .... 'dry' subject. [biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][bigsmile]

EDIT:- Took me 10 minutes to get it together so as to tell SWMBO.....

[4bee]

I'd dispute that, they were here before '65.
They also had an unusual windscreen wiper movement. The wipers pivoted from the lower windscreen edges (as Holdens did prior to EJ), with the left side overlapping the right, whilst parked. When turned on, the left side moved alone, until at the extremity of its arc. As it started to return, the right started its arc. They wiped unsymmetrically. The mechanism to achieve that start, cycle and park must have been the most complex part of the car.




What you can do O Hairy one is, 1. Contact the publisher & tell 'em it's crap..

Bugger, there was a 2. but it's gone.[bigrolf]



I had a feeling it was earlier as well but have no proof to go on. ie. I didn't take snaps of the forecourt with a Digi Camera as I drove past in the Morris 8/40 Van or Ute & the SUN Motor cycle (2 stroke) needed all the control it could get it may have taken off into Victoria Park Racecourse.

Snippet on the SUN MC.. Was Cargo on a Ship in Darwin Harbour which was bombed. Salvaged cargo was sold off & my lot bought 2 @ auction, they Recond the bike & the other thing which had to use pedals to get going (? name ? Auto Bike??). I felt like King of the Road as I sped past pedestrians on the footpaths.:Rolling::Rolling:

Even overtook the local Copper one day on his huge fat arsed bicycle seat treadlie.


Ah, the good olde days.

[V8Ian]

What you can do O Hairy one is, 1. Contact the publisher & tell 'em it's crap..

Bugger, there was a 2. but it's gone.[bigrolf]



I had a feeling it was earlier as well but have no proof to go on. ie. I didn't take snaps of the forecourt with a Digi Camera as I drove past in the Morris 8/40 Van or Ute & the SUN Motor cycle (2 stroke) needed all the control it could get it may have taken off into Victoria Park Racecourse.

Snippet on the SUN MC.. Was Cargo on a Ship in Darwin Harbour which was bombed. Salvaged cargo was sold off & my lot bought 2 @ auction, they Recond the bike & the other thing which had to use pedals to get going (? name ? Auto Bike??). I felt like King of the Road as I sped past pedestrians on the footpaths.:Rolling::Rolling:

Even overtook the local Copper one day on his huge fat arsed bicycle seat treadlie.


Ah, the good olde days.
No doubt terrifying the bullock trains and stage coaches in Rundle Street, also. :tease:

[4bee]

No doubt terrifying the bullock trains and stage coaches in Rundle Street, also. :tease:


No doubt, it was all that oily 2 stroke **** & me with my long blonde locks streaming in the breeze. Helmet? What helmet? More a 3 cornered hat I reckon, & there wasn't much protection in those from a Small round shot from a Flintlock pistol.

Ok for doffin' & lookin' smashin' & cool, but not much chop for balls. if you get my drift?


NB. Some or all of the above content may or may not be utter crap but I'll leave it to the reader to decide.[bigrolf]


However...https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sun_(motorcycle)


Bloody Moped.
(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sun_(motorcycle))

[Gav 110]

Omg both your answers were a groan or a little huff at best lmaoo

Feral desert donkeys are digging wells, giving water to parched wildlife (https://theconversation.com/feral-desert-donkeys-are-digging-wells-giving-water-to-parched-wildlife-159909)

Donkeys are digging wells. What do you call a well that a donkey digs?

As the story states, they are “arse holes” or is that “ass holes”(must be the Americans pronunciation)
Any ways, maybe they are doing a good thing, if a tree grows from the arse hole and then the rest of us arse holes burning fossil fuels helps those trees to grow, it’s a team effort
Deserts 'greening' from rising CO2 - CSIRO (https://www.csiro.au/en/news/news-releases/2013/deserts-greening-from-rising-co2)
Maybe I’m just over thinking it

Time for another beer or three or four
[emoji481][emoji481][emoji481][emoji481]
Hang on I’ve run out of beer, maybe I need to find an arse hole (or some other sort of hole) to quench my thirst

Time to wander to the local drinking hole[emoji12][emoji12]

**** we’re in bloody lockdown, can’t have a drink without a feed☹️☹️

Time for a nap, then I’ll ponder the problems again
Or just open that bottle of blue label Jonny [emoji1531][emoji1531][emoji1531]

[4bee]

As the story states, they are “arse holes” or is that “ass holes”(must be the Americans pronunciation)
Any ways, maybe they are doing a good thing, if a tree grows from the arse hole and then the rest of us arse holes burning fossil fuels helps those trees to grow, it’s a team effort
Deserts 'greening' from rising CO2 - CSIRO (https://www.csiro.au/en/news/news-releases/2013/deserts-greening-from-rising-co2)
Maybe I’m just over thinking it

Time for another beer or three or four
[emoji481][emoji481][emoji481][emoji481]
Hang on I’ve run out of beer, maybe I need to find an arse hole (or some other sort of hole) to quench my thirst

Time to wander to the local drinking hole[emoji12][emoji12]

**** we’re in bloody lockdown, can’t have a drink without a feed☹️☹️

Time for a nap, then I’ll ponder the problems again
Or just open that bottle of blue label Jonny [emoji1531][emoji1531][emoji1531]

Yeah why go out? A bloke could trip over on his arris with all that walking crap?

[Saitch]

Imagine Americans trying to understand the Christian bible phrase : "......and whereupon Samson picked up the jawbone of an ass".[smilebigeye]

[350RRC]

Imagine Americans trying to understand the Christian bible phrase : "......and whereupon Samson picked up the jawbone of an ass".[smilebigeye]

an ass as in Lee Harvey Oswald?

DL

[sashadidi]

170702

[shwza]

Ok for doffin' & lookin' smashin' & cool, but not much chop for balls. if you get my drift?



[/URL]

They say that tech speak is hard to understand. I truly have no idea what you're on about 😂😂😂

[4bee]

They say that tech speak is hard to understand. I truly have no idea what you're on about 😂😂😂


Who cares.

[shwza]

Who cares.

Sounded like a good story lol

[cuppabillytea]

Imagine Americans trying to understand the Christian bible phrase : "......and whereupon Samson picked up the jawbone of an ass".[smilebigeye]

Yes. They’d be thinking he picked up the scissor bone.

[Eevo]

I said to my gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said, "How flexible are you?".
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".

[sashadidi]

170829

[sashadidi]

170836

[sashadidi]

170838

[sashadidi]

170839

[sashadidi]

170840

[350RRC]

170838

Took my Tas poodle on a million paws walk in Geelong a few years ago.

He's big, was all black then, half mastiff half black lab, consistently 60kg, turns 14 this year.

The walk was around Eastern Beach which looks like top pic. He ****ed on every single tree, recharged at the 1 hour stop, then did the same for the next hour. Amazed me.

DL

[Tins]

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill ?
A. A miracle.

Somewhere in the middle of Spain, a Lada is driving along and meets a donkey.
The donkey, never having seen a Lada before, asks:"What are you?"
The Lada: "I am a car. What are you?"
The donkey: "Hahahaha... I'm a horse..."

Man buys a Lada but after only one day of ownership returns it to the garage.
"It's no good mate, the car's no good for me" says the man
"Why not?" asks the car dealer.
"See that steep hill over there?" says the man pointing
"Well it will only get up to seventy five up there!"
"That's not bad really sir, for a Lada especially. I can't see a problem with that"
"Trouble is" said the man, " I live at ninety five!"

A man goes into a car accessory shop and say's to the assistant "Can I have a hub cap for my Lada?"
The assistant thinks for a moment and reply's "Okay, it seems a fair swap"

Did you hear about the bloke who had his Lada broken into?
The thieves put a radio in!

Why is a lada like a woman?
Because when you put your foot down there is no response!

What do you call a Lada convertible?
A Skip.

Heard of Lada's new turbo model?
It has pedals in the backseat, too!

How do you make a Lada worth twice as much?
You fill up the gas tank.

A kid is walking down the road when a car pulls up beside him.

The window winds down and a middle aged man peers out and says "Come into the car and I'll take you for a drive."
The kid refuses and walks on.
The car follows him and pulls up again.
"C'mon" says the driver "Hop in and I'll give you a packet of Smarties".
Again the kid refuses and walks away.
The car follows him and pulls up beside him again.
The driver steps out and says,
"If you come for a drive I'll give you all the sweets you want".
The kid turns around and says
"Look Dad, you bought the bloody Lada, now you deal with it!"

Why is the Lada's rear window heated?
So the hands of the people pushing it will not freeze.

How do you make a Lada disappear?
You spray it with rust remover!

Now they have made a new Lada, with two exhaust pipes.
So you can use it as a wheelbarrow at weekends.

A Lada can reach a speed of 125 mph, if it's transported on the railway!

Did you know that the Lada's instruction book contains 500 pages?
There are two pages with information about the car and 498 pages with bus and train timetables.

Why do insurance companies enjoy Lada's?
They are never stolen.

Why is there light under the Lada's bonnet?
So you can fix it 24 hours a day.

There is a new 16 valve Lada.
It has 8 in the engine, and 8 in the radio.

My cousin was unemployed. Then he became a Lada salesman.
He is still unemployed, but now we understand why

Do you know what all the Lada owners are dreaming about?
Getting a ticket for speeding.

From a newspaper: To the man who stole my Lada in 20 degrees of frost.
Keep the Lada, but please tell me how you started it!

Did you know that there are only two men working in the Lada factory?
One with scissors and one with glue.

Do you know what the trip counter in the Lada says when it's passing 20,000 miles?
Game Over!

A bloke was driving up the M1 in his Lada.
Suddenly there is a pop and a bang and the Lada starts to lose speed quickly so he pulls off to the hard shoulder.
A few minutes later a Porsche pulls up in front of them and a bloke jumps out.
"Do you want a tow mate?" he says, "yes please" the Lada driver replies.
"Ok, but if I go too fast then you will have to put your indicator on or I will lose myself!!"
So the two men set off and after about ten minutes a Ferrari pulls up alongside the Porsche and they start to race, forgetting the poor Lada behind.
Finally they take an exit to a little village and zoom past a little pub with a man standing outside it with his pint in his hand.
This bloke runs inside to his friends and blurts out;
"You'll never guess what I have just seen!
I saw a Ferrari and Porsche racing at 250 mph and a Lada indicating to overtake!!!"

What's the difference between a Lada and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 200 metres.

What do you call a Lada that starts first time?
A novelty.

What do you call a Lada that overtakes you?
A mirage.

What to you call a Lada with brakes?
Customised.

Guy #1: I was lucky yesterday, I won second prize in a lottery!
Guy #2: Lucky you! What did you win?
Guy #1: A Lada
Guy #2: Oh yeah, what was the first prize?
Guy #1: A basket of assorted fruits.

What do you call a Lada with twin exhausts?
A wheelbarrow.

[Tins]

I'd dispute that, they were here before '65.
They also had an unusual windscreen wiper movement. The wipers pivoted from the lower windscreen edges (as Holdens did prior to EJ), with the left side overlapping the right, whilst parked. When turned on, the left side moved alone, until at the extremity of its arc. As it started to return, the right started its arc. They wiped unsymmetrically. The mechanism to achieve that start, cycle and park must have been the most complex part of the car.

At least they didn't have vacuum powered wipers, Ian. Remember those?

[3toes]

Why does a Lada have a heated rear window?

To keep your hands warm while pushing it

[3toes]

Most of these Lada jokes were recycled Morris Marina jokes

[Tins]

I'd dispute that, they were here before '65.


Not officially they weren't. 65 to 83.

[p38arover]

Most of these Lada jokes were recycled Morris Marina jokes

Or Paykan (Iranian-built Hillman Hunter).

[V8Ian]

Not officially they weren't. 65 to 83.
I think you'll find it was an error or typo, from your source.

[3toes]

Pakyan holds record as the highest number of export U.K. cars sold by a big margin

Iran wanted a car industry and so went to U.K. and asked all the manufacturers to come and present their ideas. Only one company turned up

[sashadidi]

170859

[sashadidi]

170860

[Eevo]

I love how our space agency is called ARSE (Australian Research and Space Exploration) I'd love to see a New Zealand and Australian Partnership ice already thought of a name
BOOBIES (Bi-national Orbital Organization for the Betterment of Interstellar Exploration Sciences)

[Gav 110]

I love how our space agency is called ARSE (Australian Research and Space Exploration) I'd love to see a New Zealand and Australian Partnership ice already thought of a name
BOOBIES (Bi-national Orbital Organization for the Betterment of Interstellar Exploration Sciences)

Almost as good as the name change of the Wester Australian Institute of Technology in the 80s to Curtin University of New Technology (no need to give the abbreviation)
The front page of the West Australian newspaper had the main entrance signage on it during 2005/2006 for its 20th anniversary [emoji12]
I’m sure the editor got a bollocking for letting that one slip


Found this picture of chairs with the new and old logohttps://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210509/90c0862bc8292833a4f6214e39ec4e68.jpg

[3toes]

Had a client who was working on a customer engagement program. They were attempting to make a cultural change to bring the customer needs as a more important part of the design of processes. Liked working with them as they were really on a journey to make the change it was not just another management speak program with the directors responsible to see it happened. They had been working on setting things up for a month and had named the program the Customer Relationship Assessment Program. No one had noticed what it spelt as it had not yet been abbreviated in correspondence. When pointed it out they were horrified but decided to stick with it as to them it represented part of what they were attempting to change snd would be a constant reminder that would live on longer than the program

[Earthrover]

I love how our space agency is called ARSE (Australian Research and Space Exploration) I'd love to see a New Zealand and Australian Partnership ice already thought of a name
BOOBIES (Bi-national Orbital Organization for the Betterment of Interstellar Exploration Sciences)As good as the professional British Association of Peadiatric Surgeons. BAPS

[350RRC]

In Geelong east.......the Australian National Animal Health Laboratory took quite a few years to get a new name.

DL

[Alf]

170929

[sashadidi]

170943

[sashadidi]

170944

[V8Ian]

170944
Unless you own a Land Rover, then it could be read in installments.

[sashadidi]

Unless you own a Land Rover, then it could be read in installments.lol read it at school in english and nearly finished it during Covid lockdown in Russian, a hard way to learn many new words and phrases , just need the puma to breakdown to finish it!

[V8Ian]

lol read it at school in english and nearly finished it during Covid lockdown in Russian, a hard way to learm many new words and phrases , just need the puma to breakdown to finish it!
Respect. :TakeABow:

[Tins]

lol read it at school in english and nearly finished it during Covid lockdown in Russian, a hard way to learm many new words and phrases , just need the puma to breakdown to finish it!

Иисус Христос

[Eevo]

Иисус Христос
dont think he was russian.

[Saitch]

to learm many new words

I see one right there![bighmmm][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

[cuppabillytea]

Иисус Христос
Expletives in Russian now? How could you? How did you?

[ChookD2]

170946

[4bee]

dont think he was russian.


Why? Because he wasn't wearing a Furry hat & kicking the feet out whilst crouching low to the floor with arms folded?


That is no proof. I can do that when I am ****ed.[bigrolf]

[sashadidi]

170972

[sashadidi]

dont think he was russian.
Hmmm?....
Caption: Why did you choose to сome back now....[smilebigeye]
These are russian police in the picture to give context.
170975

[4bee]

Hmmm?....
Caption: Why did you choose to сome back now....[smilebigeye]
170973


I think the reply to that silly bloody question is obvious if he lives here.[bigsad]

[Tins]

Expletives in Russian now? How could you? How did you?

потому что я могу

[4bee]

Hmmm?....
Caption: Why did you choose to сome back now....[smilebigeye]
Thesd are russian police in the picture to give context.
170975


Thanks Sash, I knew that as they look like the sort of guys that would not help a little old lady across the street unless it was at the point of an AK.

[pop058]

потому что я могу

doesn't mean you should [biggrin]

[Tins]

doesn't mean you should [biggrin]

でも楽しい

[pop058]

でも楽しい

fun is good [biggrin]

[Tins]

fun is good [biggrin]

确实

[rick130]

Oldie but a goodie.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

After a bit of small talk while resuming the journey, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

[pop058]

确实

[thumbsupbig]

[4bee]

Oldie but a goodie.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

After a bit of small talk while resuming the journey, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."


Hang on Rick, you are not that olde. As for your claim to Goodness I'll see if I can get a Personal Sworn affidavit from NSWPOL but you are a Fridgie so that could take some time [bighmmm] [bigrolf]

[cuppabillytea]

потому что я могу
You can't go shootin' Cyrillic at me when I don't have the means to shoot back. That's just not cricket Tovarich.

[jx2mad]

Is that what it is. I thought it looked like the plate of spaghetti I was served last night [bigsmile1]

[Alf]

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold
medal.
Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said
'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.
It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that
hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgement.
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other
several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and
wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his
face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, ungodly, high pitched scream, then a cheer from
the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian
go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him,
making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out
of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that
hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles
right in front of my face.
I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my
neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite yourself down there.'

[Tins]

[thumbsupbig]

क्या मुझे उसे बताना चाहिए?

[discorevy]

क्या मुझे उसे बताना चाहिए?


हाँ, जब तक आप हिंदी में एक चुटकुला नहीं बताना चाहते

[Xtreme]

A few people seem to have forgotten that this is the AUSTRALIAN Land Rover Owners forum. :whistling:

[Saitch]

A few people seem to have forgotten that this is the AUSTRALIAN Land Rover Owners forum. :whistling:

Que?

[Homestar]

A few people seem to have forgotten that this is the AUSTRALIAN Land Rover Owners forum. :whistling:

That happily lets anyone from around the world join. [wink11]

[4bee]

That happily lets anyone from around the world join. [wink11]


Aussie or not, it seems very pointless if Australian Members cannot read the posts.

[windsock]

Aussie or not, it seems very pointless if Australian Members cannot read the posts.

Boys will be boys. [bighmmm] Google Translate (https://translate.google.com/) is your friend.

[Saitch]

That happily lets anyone from around the world join. [wink11]

"Hurro".

171070

[4bee]

Boys will be boys. [bighmmm] Google Translate (https://translate.google.com/) is your friend.



Don't need it 'cos I won't be bothered. If it is worth reading, the authors can use Engrish.

[spie]

'Keriba gesep agiakar dikwarda keriba mir. Ableglam keriba Mir pako Tonar nole atakemurkak.'

That is in a native Australian language... Most of us have migrated here from somewhere else [perhaps a few generations removed] and English might be the most popular language but it is not Australian [the clue is in the name]

[4bee]

'Keriba gesep agiakar dikwarda keriba mir. Ableglam keriba Mir pako Tonar nole atakemurkak.'

That is in a native Australian language... Most of us have migrated here from somewhere else [perhaps a few generations removed] and English might be the most popular language but it is not Australian [the clue is in the name]


We were very fortunate it isn't Japanese we speak today. Or worse, French.[bighmmm]

[Eevo]

Or worse, French.[bighmmm]


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFSODApJBO8

[Eevo]

How do you get a country girls attention?
A Tractor.

[350RRC]

How do you get a country girls attention?
A Tractor.

That's right........... a green one (JD, Deutz) is exxy, lonely farmer with one of those is obviously looking cashed up to the future ex-wife.

DL

[DiscoMick]

We actually live on the continent of Sahul, which includes Tasmania and PNG. Australia comes from australis, which is Latin for southern, but I doubt if many of us speak Latin. So, greetings fellow Sahulians.
[emoji1]

[Saitch]

We actually live on the continent of Sahul, .
[emoji1]

It's not a continent but a shelf. The Sahul shelf.

You may as well say we live on the Indo-Australian tectonic plate!

Oh, hang on, we do![bigsmile1]

I'm so confused. Am I an Australian, a Sahulian or an Indonesian-Australian Tectonic Platter?

[cuppabillytea]

It's not a continent but a shelf. The Sahul shelf.

You may as well say we live on the Indo-Australian tectonic plate!

Oh, hang on, we do![bigsmile1]

I'm so confused. Am I an Australian, a Sahulian or an Indonesian-Australian Tectonic Platter?
My missus says she’ll have me on a platter. Can’t wait to tell her the good news.[bigrolf]

[windsock]

My missus says she’ll have me on a platter. Can’t wait to tell her the good news.[bigrolf]

Your missus may have been referring to the platonic platter not tectonic platter [bigwhistle]

[cuppabillytea]

Your missus may have been referring to the platonic platter not tectonic platter [bigwhistle]
Oh😩

[V8Ian]

171106

[jx2mad]

I think we are all lab rats. We go to the doctor and he says "take this". bit later we go back and we are told that it is not working so we are given something else. Two days later we are back with a rash and are told to take a third lot to stop the side effects of the second lot..........

[RANDLOVER]

It's not a continent but a shelf. The Sahul shelf.

You may as well say we live on the Indo-Australian tectonic plate!

Oh, hang on, we do![bigsmile1]

I'm so confused. Am I an Australian, a Sahulian or an Indonesian-Australian Tectonic Platter?

Also don't get it confused with the Sahel, which is the region between the Sahara desert in the north, and the savannah in the south of the top of Africa.

[cuppabillytea]

That's what happens when Doctors make rash decisions.

[gofish]

Mr Smith is waiting in the doctors office after having lazer eye surgery, his eyes still bandaged up. The doctor says, "Mr Smith I have some good news & bad news for you." Mr Smith replies, "give me the good news". The doctor replies, ""you're getting a new dog".

[spie]

We were very fortunate it isn't Japanese we speak today. Or worse, French.[bighmmm]

I had a letter from France in my younger days, I never took it out of my wallet.

[4bee]

I had a letter from France in my younger days, I never took it out of my wallet.


You poor, poor bastard.[bigrolf]
Just as well it wasn't sent from Franger-ville.[biggrin]

A friend of mine rcd a message to visit France. It was enclosed in a Frogskin with come in it.


I know I know, it is worse than Eevo's[bigsad]

[Eevo]

I've never been married.
But I've had a few near Mrs.

[Tins]

That's what happens when Doctors make rash decisions.

Oh dear...

[gofish]

Mr Smith is in the ophthalmologist (eye doctor) waiting room when he is called into the office. "Mr Smith I need to talk to you about masturbation."..."Oh my goodness doctor. Is it sending me blind ?"................
"No. It's making the other patients very uncomfortable."

[sashadidi]

171211

[sashadidi]

171212

[sashadidi]

171213

[sashadidi]

171214

[sashadidi]

171215

[spie]

For the Sydney members...

I dated a girl from Rooty Hill once, it was almost as disappointing as the time I climbed Mount Druitt

[Eevo]

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he
asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,
Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed??😐😐😐

[Eevo]

On a warm summer night, a young lady entered the butcher shop with startling news for the butcher: The baby in her arms was his.
Nonplussed, the butcher didn't know what to do, and eventually offered the only thing he thought he could - he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

[V8Ian]

Paddy turned up at the doctors surgery only to be told that his old doctor had now retired and that he would have to see the new doctor.
He walked into the doctors office only to be confronted with the new, very attractive, young female doctor who asked Paddy what she could do for him.
Paddy felt a bit embarrassed and said “well, I was sat in the bath this morning and I could feel a lump down there” as he pointed downwards. The doctor said “well take off your trousers and lie on the bed”.
After about ten minutes of the doctor fiddling about with Paddy’s genitalia she said “I can’t feel a lump”.
Paddy said “it’s on my toe”.

[bob10]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey Doc, want to look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered...... ''Try doing it with the engine running."

[bob10]

From Westprint Friday five.



https://ci6.googleusercontent.com/proxy/ajbrCX8q-PxOKLU46BQJlB2oOwrgx6dcAjZiBTjkgqtIeFsDRhL52lL26Qs ZsH2ovcwj2mklglrQJWBWQ34OtDN9lEgtehm1FgS5bn-cazmGWuQlrX5Z=s0-d-e1-ft#https://www.westprint.com.au/pub/media/wysiwyg/ffpics/2021/plans.jpg

[Alf]

171277
171278

[350RRC]

171277
171278

101 uses for a hungry raccoon?

[Alf]

Got some sad news today, after 7 years of medical training he has been stuck off for 1 minor indiscretion, he slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the job he loves, what a waste of time, money and effort, he's a genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet

[4bee]

[QUOTE=Alf;3086596]Got some sad news today, after 7 years of medical training he has been stuck off for 1 minor indiscretion, he slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the job he loves, what a waste of time, money and effort, he's a genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

But why a Giraffe?

[Alf]

171290

[sashadidi]

171298

[Eevo]

I went to see the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra last week.
The guy on triangle disappeared.

[350RRC]

I went to see the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra last week.
The guy on triangle disappeared.

And the bass and the trumpeters just swam away.

DL

[Saitch]

And the bass and the trumpeters just swam away.

DL

#1 comment for the year, so far![thumbsupbig][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

.....not to mention the 'Drummer'.

[4bee]

#1 comment for the year, so far![thumbsupbig][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

.....not to mention the 'Drummer'.


The blokes from the Horn Section chickened out claiming the water temp took their ardour away.

[Alf]

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.


Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.


He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.


The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.


But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.


The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.


At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.


Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.


The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.


When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.

[cuppabillytea]

For the Sydney members...

I dated a girl from Rooty Hill once, it was almost as disappointing as the time I climbed Mount Druitt
Well, that's why they put them so close to one another.

[POD]

I made my friend a model of Mount Everest for his birthday. He asked me 'Is it to scale?', I said 'No, it's just to look at.'

[Alf]

On his first day at the Nudist Colony Sid takes off his clothes, and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and Sid immediately gets an excited.
The woman notices his signal, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
Sid replies, 'No, what do you mean?' She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get excited, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Sid continues to explore the nudist colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man?
'No, what do you mean?' says Sid. 'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'
The huge man spins him around and has his way with him.
Then Sid staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.
'May I help you?' she says. Sid yells, 'Here's my membership card, You can have the key back and you can keep the $400 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.
Sid replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 75 years old, I only get excited once a month, but I fart 35 times a day!!'

[4bee]

[bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf][bigrolf]


That is a good one. I bet the poor bastard didn't half get himself into pickles.

[Alf]

171397

[NavyDiver]

Bill and Melinda Gates have reportedly finalized their asset division following the decision to divorce. Melinda will get the house, but Bill keeps the Windows.

https://sm.pcmag.com/t/pcmag_au/news/w/whats-new-/whats-new-in-windows-10-a-simplified-look_ma38.3840.png

[4bee]

Bill and Melinda Gates have reportedly finalized their asset division following the decision to divorce. Melinda will get the house, but Bill keeps the Windows.

https://sm.pcmag.com/t/pcmag_au/news/w/whats-new-/whats-new-in-windows-10-a-simplified-look_ma38.3840.png


It wouldn't have taken Bill's Divorce Lawyer long to see through that.[bigrolf]

[jx2mad]

The whole process will be a PANE

[4bee]

The whole process will be a PANE


Exactly. A real pane in the glass.[bighmmm]

[sashadidi]

171444

[sashadidi]

171445

[sashadidi]

171446&

[sashadidi]

171491

[Rob3]

The instructions on the cake mix packet says to seperate two eggs but it does not say how far ?

[bob10]

From the Friday 5;

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called; she wants her sign back!"

[DiscoMick]

I had a laugh about the American politician who asked if climate change could be fixed by changing the orbit of the moon. Apparently he was serious.

[350RRC]

The instructions on the cake mix packet says to seperate two eggs but it does not say how far ?

Goog ([bigrolf]) segregation..... it's about keeping the whites away from the yolks.

DL

[4bee]

I had a laugh about the American politician who asked if climate change could be fixed by changing the orbit of the moon. Apparently he was serious.


I'd like a bucket of what he was on. Hang on, I think I may have some in my desk drawer.[bigrolf]

[POD]

I had a laugh about the American politician who asked if climate change could be fixed by changing the orbit of the moon. Apparently he was serious.

Saw a video of a senator on a subcommittee questioning an admiral about the build-up of troops on Guam- he thought there was a real risk of capsizing the island. The admiral kept a straight face and replied that they were confident that would not happen.

[sashadidi]

171531

[sashadidi]

171532

[4bee]

171532


Eeeerrr yeah ok. Winner of the House of the Year best Design award was it? At least the dunny door opens outwards. Bad luck it would open slap bang into the face of anyone walking through the RH doorway.[bigrolf]

[350RRC]

If that's one of the new electronic dunnies I'll bet that's auto darkening glass.

DL

[cuppabillytea]

Some ****es have to be seen to be believed.

[4bee]

Saw a video of a senator on a subcommittee questioning an admiral about the build-up of troops on Guam- he thought there was a real risk of capsizing the island. The admiral kept a straight face and replied that they were confident that would not happen.


I reckon Guam will be one of the first joints to be taken out if the brown stuff hits the whirly thing.[bighmmm]


Maybe someone should have told him beforehand that Guam wasn't a Carley Float.

[4bee]

171531


No probs there sash. It has a metal (?) sheet to deflect the water away from the electrics. :Rolling::rolleyes:

[3toes]

I had a laugh about the American politician who asked if climate change could be fixed by changing the orbit of the moon. Apparently he was serious.

Perhaps they have been replaying Space 1999 and mistook it for a reality TV documentary

[superquag]

I reckon Guam will be one of the first joints to be taken out if the brown stuff hits the whirly thing.


Maybe someone should have told him beforehand that Guam wasn't a [B]Carley Float.

Alas! Only Ancient Mariners know what one of those things be........

[4bee]

Alas! Only Ancient Mariners know what one of those things be........



Hello Sailor.[smilebigeye] Saved a lot of lives back in them thar days.



EDIT

An interesting Life Saving Concept worth repeating. I have no idea how Noah managed. Don't ask ok?

Carley float - Wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carley_float)

[4bee]

Perhaps they have been replaying Space 1999 and mistook it for a reality TV documentary


I think they may have overplayed the Power & Maneuverability of their Space Rockets.[bigrolf]

[Eevo]

My wife just found out I replaced our water bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.

[350RRC]

Mega repost

[spudfan]

My wife thought I had bought a new water bed...I didn't have the heart to tell her I had just developed a kidney infection.

[Hogarthde]

Good heavens! You still with us Spudfan😇
so despite Ian’s misgivings, the femme side of your family don’t log onto AULRO .

Keep on keeping on.👍

[4bee]

My wife thought I had bought a new water bed...I didn't have the heart to tell her I had just developed a kidney infection.


A bit like taking the ****,eh?[bigrolf]

[sashadidi]

171634

[sashadidi]

171635

[sashadidi]

171636

[sashadidi]

171637171637

[4bee]

171637171637

You've been watching a bit too much Footie sash. You know that doesn't happen in real life.:Rolling: