Jokes

[djam1]

Sounds about normal to me

[blitz]

that was Port Hedland december 1980 damned hot just didn't cover it

[bob10]

One for the World Cup.

My best rugby moment

Sitting in a bar in Olongopo City, Philipines, having a quite beer alone when in walked the most stunning woman I'd ever seen- Jet black hair, slinky, looked like a Spanish Princess, dressed in a tiny mini skirt, flimsy cotton top, no bra. I took a deep breath, emptied my glass, ordered another.Next thing she was pulling up a stool beside me.
She said 'hi', I mumbled something in return, she grabbed my hand and placed it on her inner thigh.'so, does that make you feel good'? she asked. I'll bet you feel good', she continued, 'in fact I bet you've never felt this good before'
' Well, I have', I corrected her.'you see, when I was 18, I was selected for the Navy apprentices interservice team, played in the final, I felt really good.'
Well ,I felt pretty pathetic saying that, and thought she would get up and go, but she took my hand off her thigh, and put it in the front of her top, and said 'how about now, I bet you feel ok now, matter of fact ,I bet you have never felt this good before'.
Unbelievably, I heard myself saying 'well, actually, I have. In that game, we were down by 6 points, 20 seconds left,our scrum on halfway, went the blindside, stepped around their fullback scored under the posts, 2 0r 3 seconds till fulltime, with me to take a simple kick at goal to win the game, and....' 'Ahhhhh!' she cried in anger, grabbed my hand , and thrust it down the front of her skirt.
She whispered " well tell me this, mr rugby man, have you ever felt such a perfect c...' I certainly have', I answered, 'I MISSED THE KICK'

[d@rk51d3]

Stolen from another forum:


Where's the Little girl?

Watchersweb FunnyFarm Where's The Little Girl (http://www.watchersweb.com/sub_preview.php'sub_no=9x7pf1315450720)

[SIImad]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

"Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say,

"Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed,

then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said,

"I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,

and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .

that phrase . . in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded,

"this may very well be the solution."

The next day,

she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.



As he ushered her in,

she saw that his two male parrots

were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.


Impressed,

she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,

the female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?"


There was stunned silence.

Shocked,

one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!"

[SIImad]

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, BUT THE BULB MUST WANT TO CHANGE!

[SIImad]

What do you call a fly without wings?-- A walk! :D

[digger]

YOU GUYS STARTED IT...........


Two muffins baking in an oven.
First muffin: Holy crap it's hot in here!
Second muffin: HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!


Did you hear about the little old lady who walked into the real estate office, with a 50 dollar note in her left ear, and a 100 dollar note in her right ear?

Her rent was in arrears.


How did Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looked through catalogues in the plastic surgeon's office.

Q: How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.

Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.

Q: How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?

Q: How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark

What do you give a skeleton who walks into a bar and orders a drink?

.
.
.
.
.

A mop.


Q: What's ET short for?
A: He's only got little legs.

[digger]

I've had a bad week.

You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking. :cool:

I woke up with a cucumber in my ear, a carrot in my nose, and a tomato in my eye walks into the doctor's office. I says, "Doc, I'm not feeling well. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "First of all, you're not eating right...." :mad:

So the Dr starts testing me, he says "How many ears did star trek's mr spock have?"

I answered 3 but he says I was wrong :o

I am sure I was right,
lets see Spock had..


a left ear..




a right ear..

and..


a final frontier! (thats three!) :angel:




Walking there I'd just been caught in a tidal wave of tonic water.
Seriously, I nearly got schwepped away!:twisted:

I told the Dr that I was worried the water could be full of diseases... and the Dr just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills right at my head!! It hit me above my right eye!!.

Don't worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries!! :eek:

I went out of the Dr's into his waiting room and there I saw a man with custard in one ear and cake in the other. Apparently, He was a trifle deaf! :wasntme:

I asked him, what do you do for a living?
He said, For the past four years I specialised in making one venetian blind.

How do you make a Venetian blind? I asked

Well he said, I stick a finger in his eye. ;)


Have a great day guys!
Digger

[bob10]

Aussie bush etiquette, recognized throughout the civilised world

In general:

1) never take a stubbie to a job interview

3) It's tacky to take an esky to church

4) if you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets

5) if drinking from the bottle, hold it with only one hand

6) don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are

7) while ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using ones OWN ute keys

8) livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift

9) when entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the biggest bullbar doesn't always have right of way

10) when sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back a sixpack

[digger]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of us men playing the next hole.

The ball hit me!.

I immediately clasped my hands together at my groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in immense agony.

The woman rushed down to me, and immediately began to apologize.. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told me.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' I replied. I was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position,still clasping my hands there at my groin.

At her persistence, however, I finally allowed her to help. She gently took my hands away and laid them to the side, loosened my pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

I replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

Cheers
Digger

[SIImad]

Why do elephants have Big Ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom!:D

The Sin of Lying

A priest told his congregation, "Next week the sermon will be about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the priest asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The priest smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."


Shirley's Makeover

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"


Slow Down

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer.

[SIImad]

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS

10. You wake up at 3a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your
email on the way back to bed.

9. Your firstborn is named dotcom.

8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of
emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

7. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap...and your
child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two,
just for the free Internet access.

5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com

4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3. You move into a new home and decide to netscape before you landscape.

2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

DRUM ROLL PLEASE

AND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:

1. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to someone.



********************

A man is walking along the street when he is brutally beaten and robbed. He lies unconscious, bleeding.

While he is lying there, a police officer passes by, but crosses to the other side of the road, without trying to help.

A boy scout troop does the same. As do a number of pedestrians.

Finally, a psychologist walks by, and runs up to the man. He bends down and says, "My God! Whoever did this needs help."

[SIImad]

Q: WHY ARE COOKS SO CRUEL?
A: BECAUSE THEY BEAT THE EGGS AND WHIP THE CREAM!

Q: WHAT DO YOU FIX A BROKEN PIZZA WITH?
A: TOMATO PASTE.

Q: WHAT DOES SEVEN DAYS OF DIETING DO?
A: THEY MAKE ONE WEAK (WEEK).

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!

What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!

What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!

What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
Chicken Spocks!

What is a myth?
A female moth!

This match won't light!
That's funny, it did this morning!

What do elves do after school?
Gnomework!

If Ireland sank into the sea, what county wouldn't sink?
Cork!

How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end?
Because it's round!

Why did the child study in the aeroplane?
He wanted a higher education!

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over!

[SIImad]

Wigwam

A guy goes to a psychologist. 'Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?' The doctor replies: 'It's very simple. You're two tents.'"(too tense)

***********************************
My wife thinks she's a chicken

A man runs to the doctor and says, 'Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!'

The doctor asks, 'How long has she had this condition?'
'Two years,' says the man.

'Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?' asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, 'We needed the eggs.'

************************************
Trouble sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychologists office. 'What seems to be the problem?' the doctor asked.

'Well, I, uh,' she stammered. 'I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.'

'I see,' he said. 'I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.'

'That's not bad,' she replied. 'How much for all night?'

***********************************


There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”
The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."
The third father opens the window and jumps out.
The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?"
One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.”
The nurse asks, "Why?"
He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"

****************************
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.


New driver's license

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
'I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,' says the beaming boy to his father.
'Nope,' comes dad's reply, 'I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years.'
**********************
Buying a chainsaw

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, 'Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.'
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. 'How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?' the man asks himself. 'I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day,' the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. 'The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer,' the man says to himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, 'Hmm, it looks fine.'
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, 'What's that noise?

*************
Computer virus

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

*************
Ultra dumb criminals

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot,' the man shouted, 'That's not what I said!'

************
Highly religious horse

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, 'Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?'
The missionary says, 'Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop.'
Not paying much attetion, the man says, 'Sure, ok.'
So he gets on the horse and says, 'Thank God' and the horse starts walking. Then he says, 'Thank God, thank God,' and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, 'Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God' and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.
'Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!'
Finally he remembers, 'Amen!!'
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, 'Thank God.'

[SIImad]

While cleaning the attic, Joan and Harry found an old stub for some shoes they left at the repair shop 10 years ago. They thought it would be funny to go to the shop and see if the shoes were still there. So they did. They handed the stub to the repair man who took it and looked in the back. He came out again and said, "They'll be ready on Wednesday."

*************************************************

Sign behind an Amish carriage:

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.

CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"

**************************************************

Two men considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. "What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? " the one asked.

The second replied, "Well, they were both founded by Spaniards -- St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants."

"What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?"

"Met any Albigensians lately?"

************************************************** ***

A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jesuit said he wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"

************************************

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

[SIImad]

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

[SIIImad]

:Rolling: Good one! :Rolling:

[SIImad]

Q. What is the only dog allowed to practise medicine?
A. A heeler! (healer)

Q. What goes 99 clump, 99 clump?
A. A centipede with one leg missing!

[rrturboD]

Irish golfer


A Golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a Little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the Golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little Guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the Golfer says..

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the Golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the Golfer walks off.

'What a nice Guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the Golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the Little Guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the Golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the Golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The Golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the Golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the Golfer,
'I figure that's not bad for a
Catholic Priest In A Small Parish.'

[Blknight.aus]

so the bartender says, Sorry sir, we dont serve faster than light beings here. A Neutrino walks into the bar

[spudboy]

OK - it's not a joke, but it made laugh. Supposedly genuine, but it is from the internet so who knows....


Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir,
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull."

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago."

Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.

However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:


The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.

To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and so carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.

Speaking personally I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

[KarlB]

OK - it's not a joke, but it made laugh. Supposedly genuine, but it is from the internet so who knows....
...


A fine joke spudboy, but it is a fake (see Prehistoric Barbie (Smithsonian Barbie Doll) - Urban Legends (http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/humor/a/barbie_doll.htm), for example).

[spudboy]

Hmm - alright. Well, here is a picture of a joke:

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2011/09/44.jpg

[bob10]

Acouple of quick ones;

Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today can see their real owners.

Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the beach looking like an idiot


Statistics say one out of every four people suffer from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're ok, it's you.

When trouble arises, and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Have you ever noticed, that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anybody driving faster is is a maniac.

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarious to a gorilla.


BOOM, BOOM,.

[ezyrama]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer but to no avail for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to grab hold of the rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story: when you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.

[ezyrama]

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPad and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my siblings. Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said... "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed.":wasntme:

[ezyrama]

Bob and Ralph were fishing on the Newfoundland shoreline when Bob pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ralph for a light.

"Ya shure I tink I haff a lighter" Ralph replied with a Newfoundland accent and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

"Holy crap, man!" exclaimed Bob, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. "Where'd yew git dat monster?" "Well" replied Ralph "I got it from my Genie." "You haff a Genie?" Bob asked. "Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box" says Ralph. "Could I see him?"

Ralph opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie Bob says "Hey dere! I'm a good buddy of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes, I will," says the Genie.

So Bob asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Bob sitting there waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the Newfoundland sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Bob yells at Ralph "What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" Ralph answers "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?"

[ezyrama]

Jim stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked "What the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony" Jim explained. "I want to make a perfect shot". His companion said "You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here".

[ezyrama]

Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard walks into a bank and asks to cash a cheque for $2000.

Teller: "No problem, ma'am. Could you please show me your ID?" Julia: "Well, I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need. After all, I am the Prime Minister of Australia..."

Teller: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, I must insist on seeing ID". Julia says: "Just ask anyone here who I am and they will tell you. They all know who I am".

Teller: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them". Julia: "Is there some other way around this?" Teller: "Look, here's what we can do... a while ago now, Cadel Evans walked in here without ID. To prove he was Cadel, he rode around the block in under 30 seconds. Another time, Harry Kewell came in without ID. He yanked out his soccer ball and kicked it just almost 300m right down the street. After that spectacular kick we cashed his cheque. So, what can you do to prove to me that you really are who you say?"

Julia stands, deep in thought for what seems like the longest time and finally says: "My mind's a complete blank. Honestly, I can't think of a single thing". Teller: "Would fifties be okay, ma'am?"

[ezyrama]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside the social Security office."My good man" the fairy said "I've been told to grant you three wishes since you've just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children".

The man told the fairy "Well, where I come from we don"t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them". The fairy looked at the man"s almost toothless grin and - PING!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! "What else?" asked the fairy "two, more wishes, to go".

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Sydney with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here. PING!! In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music. "One more wish left for you" said the fairy, waving her wand.

"I want to be Australian with Australia clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the Australians". PING!! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from Target, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. "What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?" The fairy said "Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled to sweet *&#$ all like the rest of us!"

[SIImad]

Why did the strawberries and cream squeal on the sugar?
Because the detectives were about to beat a confection out of them! :D

[d2dave]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair....and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

[d2dave]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2 People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the T.V.... remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?



4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their arses!


5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?



7.When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.




8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbarse?

[SIImad]

Here's a couple to raise a giggle (I hope!):

One little Atheist boy's parents were very concerned about his grades in school. They noticed that his study habits were poor, that he wouldn't concentrate, and that he had zero initiative as far as homework was concerned, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school.
They noticed an immediate improvement in his overall school performance, especially in math. Every day he would come home from school and promptly head upstairs and begin studying his numbers. Amazed, his parents asked him what it was that motivated him to study so hard.
"Is it that the Nuns are so strict with you getting your schoolwork finished?", they asked.
"No." said the boy.
"Is it that the subjects they are giving you are challenging to you?"
"No." responded the boy.
"What is it, then, that makes you so eager to study at this new school?" they queried.
"Well," said the boy, "my very first day of school at Our Lady's, I was sitting in class, looking around and not paying much attention. Then I looked up and saw this naked guy nailed to a plus sign, and I figured they must mean business!"

Rabbit Resurrection

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."



What is sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

[MEANZ06]

My wife says to me the other night, "How come we don't make love like they do in the movies?”

So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she’d be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and climaxed all over her face.

Turns out we don't watch the same movies... :D

[dswatts]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says,
'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland ...'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live
on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world.
So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I.
Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated
in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling
down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck
at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it?
I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down
and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his
head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are ****ed again.'

[Bigbjorn]

Amusing web site. Have a look. Good for some laughs

www.Faceless.co.za © - I need to get out of the relationship I’m in (http://www.faceless.co.za)

[V8Ian]

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

[spudboy]

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2011/10/768.jpg

[sashadidi]

Found on the net.
Enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/v/6RzcvFLPg1A'version=3%22%3E%3Cparam

[Fifth Columnist]

" I want to do something that will be remembered and talked about for all eternity."

" Forget your wife's birthday."

[sashadidi]

very true!!!

[ezyrama]

Have you heard the results of the latest "New Idea" magazine survey??
They found 2 out of 3 woman are as dumb as the 1st! :wasntme:

[ezyrama]

" I got home on Saturday night after a night on the cards and SWMBO started to have a go at me for being so late. I said " Stop right there woman, pack your bags, your going to live with Matthew as I lost you in a card game" she said " How dare you lose me to him in something as trivial as a card game!!". I said "Yeah, it was really hard to fold with 4 aces!!"

[MEANZ06]

An Italian mother:

Mario and Marie, a nice young couple, were getting married and planned on living with Marie’s mother until they could establish a place of their own. On their wedding night, they went upstairs and were getting ready for bed. Mario started to get undressed, taking off his shirt first, and he had hair all over his chest. Marie ran downstairs and told her mother.

"Mummy!! Mummy!! He's got hair all over his chest!"
Her mother replied, "Marie, you go upstairs and make your mother proud."

So Marie ran upstairs and found Mario taking off his trousers. He was extremely hairy all over his legs. Marie ran down the steps to tell her mother.

"Mummy, he's got hair all over his legs."
"Marie, you go upstairs and make your mother proud."

Marie ran upstairs and found her new husband sitting on the bed taking off his socks. Unfortunately, he had lost half of his foot in the war. Marie took one look, and ran downstairs.

"Mummy, Mummy, he's only got a foot and a half!"
At this, mother yelled, "Marie, you stay here and stir the pasta, I’m gonna go upstairs!"

[Fifth Columnist]

Have you heard the results of the latest "New Idea" magazine survey??
They found 2 out of 3 woman are as dumb as the 1st! :wasntme:
My wife's not dumb :(

[sashadidi]

A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father,
'Dad, how manykinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers,
'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs,
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.'Onions?''Yes, you see them and they make you cry.
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Mum, how manykinds of 'willies' are there?
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.
'A Christmas tree?'
Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.

[d2dave]

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said “My family went to my granddad’s farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well that was good sally, but I wanted you to use the word “fascinate.”

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate”, so she called on him for his offering.

Johnny said, “My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasin eight.”

[digger]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

[digger]

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

[digger]

BRAIN - SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.
CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!
NUMBER ONE: Sir! We're picking up loud music.
CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it's "The Last Train to Clarksville."
CENTRAL: Good lord, are we being tortured?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.
CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.
NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness... Wait, there's a
woman sleeping there.
CENTRAL: A woman?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to "wife," sir.
CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want to take it?
CENTRAL: Stomach, what's going on?
STOMACH: Sir, we've taken a hit, it... it looks bad, sir.
CENTRAL: Get hold of yourself, man!
STOMACH: Yessir. It looks like a burrito, sir. It exploded at about 1900 hours and we've been out of action ever since. I don't... I don't know if she can take much more, Captain.
CENTRAL: Stomach! Now you listen to me, son. We're all counting on you up here. Don't give up now. Remember the chilli of '94? We made it through that, we can make it through anything.
STOMACH: Yessir. You can count on me, sir.
CENTRAL: Good man.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, I've got a visual on the clock!
CENTRAL: Tell me, Number One.
NUMBER ONE: Oh my God, sir. It's horrible.
CENTRAL: Dammit sailor, get a grip on yourself!
NUMBER ONE: It's... It's six thirty, sir. In the morning.
CENTRAL: In the morning? Not again. I thought... I thought that we'd had the worst of it yesterday.
SYSTEM: Sixty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: This is madness. Do you know what's going to happen if we go
conscious now, this early?
NUMBER ONE: Work, sir?
CENTRAL: That's right, Number One. It'll be work, all right. I don't... I don't know if I can live through that hell again.
SYSTEM: Fifty seconds to consciousness.
NUMBER ONE: Sir? Do you have orders?
CENTRAL: Hmmm?
NUMBER ONE: Orders, sir. Do you have orders for us?
CENTRAL: Orders? Orders, Number One? Damn right there are orders! Let's get ourselves moving.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir!
SYSTEM: Forty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: Shut that damn thing off, I'm trying to think. Get our remote
stations on line. I want a Search and Acquire on anything that feels like a snooze button. Tell them to MOVE. Bladder!
BLADDER: Yes sir?
CENTRAL: How are you holding?
BLADDER: All systems are flush and ready, sir. We can go another three
hours, easy.
CENTRAL: Very well, Bladder. Number One, get me Nose on the horn.
NOSE: Sir, Nose reporting, sir!
CENTRAL: Good to hear from you, Nose. How are you doing up there?
NOSE: Sir, ah, we registered cat breath about twenty minutes ago, but it was pretty faint and I didn't think...
CENTRAL: Steady on, nose. You were right not to trigger an alert.
NOSE: Thank you, sir.
CENTRAL: Nose, I'm afraid I have bad news for you, son. We took a burrito last night.
NOSE: Oh no, sir, not again!
CENTRAL: I said steady! You're going to have to hold on, you hear me? Hold on,and it will pass. I don't want ANYTHING getting through to
Consciousness.
NOSE: Yes sir. I'll try, sir.
CENTRAL: That's the spirit. Stomach!
STOMACH: Sir?
CENTRAL: How are you doing down there?
STOMACH: We've been breached, Captain. The whole alimentary is in flames. I'm trying to keep it contained, but I can't promise anything.
CENTRAL: Damn!
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station reports it is ready for battle!
CENTRAL: Tell Libido to calm down, I'll call him when I need him. Any
report from our search party?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Fingers report they located and toppled a glass of water, a pair of glasses, and a box of Kleenex. No luck on the snooze, sir.
CENTRAL: Number One, I don't mind telling you, if we don't get this under control we're going to lose her.
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Sir, Libido requests positive verification that the woman sleeping next to us is not Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: For crying out loud.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Ears reports the song is over. It's going to commercial, sir.
CENTRAL: How much time on the system clock?
NUMBER ONE: Ten seconds to consciousness, sir. We've lost smile control in the lower facial and we're developing a frown.
CENTRAL: Brace yourself, Number One. I'm afraid we've had it.
NUMBER ONE: Sir! Fingers has located target. Repeat, Fingers is on
target!
CENTRAL: Fire!
NUMBER ONE: Hit! Sir, direct hit!
CENTRAL: Ears!
NUMBER ONE: It's gone, Captain! Ears reports the music is gone!
CENTRAL: We've done it!
SYSTEM: Consciousness cancelled.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, all systems are ready for sleep mode. Repeat, sleep mode now ready.
CENTRAL: Trigger sleep mode NOW.
NUMBER ONE: Sleep mode triggered, aye aye, sir.
CENTRAL: Shut Eyes.
NUMBER ONE: Eyes off, sir. Frown relaxed, smile restored.
CENTRAL: By golly, that was a close one.
NUMBER ONE: Yessir. Sir, Dream Team requests selection. Libido asking for something naked, sir.
CENTRAL: Request denied. Let's roll the one where we show up for church wearing only our underwear, I like that one.
NUMBER ONE: Roger that, sir. Dream selection completed and tape is
rolling, sir.
CENTRAL: Good work, Number One. You take the helm.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir.

[digger]

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."


"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical".


"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"


"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.


"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."


"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."


"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"


"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."


"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."


"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."


"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."


"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."


"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"


"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."


"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."


"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."


I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

[MEANZ06]

Oil Change Instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total: $21.00

================================================== ==========
Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open first beer and drink it, to assess the situation.

4) Plan to jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands behind garden hoses, rakes and assorted crap. Jack up vehicle.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process, cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of storing it for recycling.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to grocery store to buy 3.2 beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. (Note that the filter companies tell you to do this just to ensure that the GASKET is actually there...)

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids' sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas over a bad patch of lawn.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

36) More beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, she makes bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!!!

:D

[Blknight.aus]

My wife's not dumb :(

nope. seems she worked out you Aulro L/P

[sashadidi]

Works in the medical seminars I go to!!!!!!


Do you keep falling asleep during seminars?

What about those long and boring conferences?
Here's a game to change all of that.

It is called"Bull**** Bingo"



1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns - five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

* synergy

* strategic fit

* core competencies

* best practice

* bottom line

* revisit

* expeditious

* to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")

* 24/7

* out of the loop

* benchmark

* value-added

* proactive

* win-win

* think outside the box

* fast track
result-driven

* empower (or empowerment)

* knowledge base

* at the end of the day

* touch base

* mindset

* client focus(ed)

* paradigm

* game plan

* leverage




3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULL****!"




Testimonials from satisfied "Bull**** Bingo" players:




·

"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." - Adam, Atlanta

·

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." - David, Florida

·

"What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win." - Dan, New York City

·

"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben, Denver
"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben, Denver

·

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULL****!' for the third time in two hours." - Paul, Cleveland
Reply With Quote

[flagg]

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."


I actually laughed out loud when I read that. Haha the ammount of times...........

[Blknight.aus]

WOMEN -

Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare,

"granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?

- Oh, mine was incredible.

My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner.

We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours.

Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour.

We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...







MEN -

Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep.

You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out.

The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home.

Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f *cking candles to avoid knocking everything down.

I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come.

In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about **** knows what!

[sashadidi]

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another Petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £2500. Morning suit rental-£125.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

NICKNAMES
• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .

EATING OUT
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £38.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
• A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


MARRIAGE
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

[Blknight.aus]

Simple science tells us that women should be ironing:

The difference between 'male' and 'female' is obviously the 'fe'.

If we look up 'fe' in the periodic table it stands for iron.

also..

Iron man; the name of a super hero
Iron Woman; an instruction.

[Xtreme]

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Schooner of New"
The robot brings back the best beer ever and says to the
man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
exploration, medical technology and Land Rovers.

The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Schooner of New"
Again, the robot pours a great beer and gives it to the man and asks,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Land Rovers, V8 Super cars, MotoGP, Tooheys beers and Supercheap Auto.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it
one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Schooner of New," and the robot brings him another great beer.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and asks

"So, you people still happy you voted for Gillard?"

[sashadidi]

I think this would work!!!

[bee utey]

THE HAIRCUT
Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
Him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Senator came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Senator was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND BABIES' NAPPIES' NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

[sashadidi]

Compulsory Viewing for Females :)
Manflu - The Truth - YouTube

[Bardizzo]

Compulsory Viewing for Females :)
Manflu - The Truth - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6keUdzwFCHU)

Hilarious!

Personally I think this should be a public service announcement!!

[d2dave]

Biology Midterm






Smart student!



Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term test.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth
70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.

2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3.) It is always the right temperature.

4.) It is inexpensive.

5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before
the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote..

7.) It comes in 2 attractive reusable containers.

He got an A+

[THE BOOGER]

This ones been doing the rounds for a while but still worth a look the last one looks staged:D

The Luckiest People On Earth - YouTube (http://youtu.be/lcPaeF2P0cE)

[Blknight.aus]

This ones been doing the rounds for a while but still worth a look the last one looks staged:D

The Luckiest People On Earth - YouTube (http://youtu.be/lcPaeF2P0cE)

Im told the last ones a scene from a movie, no-one whose told me that can tell me the name of the movie...

[DeeJay]

There is a clip of the last one that has the soundtrack & you clearly hear the director shout "cut":D

[Nera Donna]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had
no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery
in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a
typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late .... and saw the funeral guy was
evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left .... and they were eating
lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went
to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already
in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep. They
wept; I wept; we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my
bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before .... and
I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

</SPAN>

[LOVEMYRANGIE]

40% of men over 40 years old suffer from erection problems.

Looking at 40% of women over 40 years old, it's not hard to understand why. :p

Using Capitals, the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse or helping your uncle jack off a horse...

[sashadidi]

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies,

"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side."

[d2dave]

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said “Here’s to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside me wife”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

[d2dave]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Taliban shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“Ok,” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom”

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said,
“You ****ing brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

[MEANZ06]

http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf

:D

[d2dave]

Josh's Story - YouTube

:D

[bee utey]

CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE.





Ingredients:





* 2 cups flour


* 1 stick butter


* 1 cup of water


* 1 tsp baking soda


* 1 cup of sugar


* 1 tsp salt


* 1 cup of brown sugar


* Lemon juice


* 4 large eggs





* Nuts


* 2 bottles wine


* 2 cups of dried fruit





Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.





Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.


Go to Woolworths and buy cake.




Bingle Jells!

[sashadidi]

Have you ever wanted to use meaningless, empty phrases that make it look like you know what you are talking about? This handy tool can help!


Plain English Campaign gobbledygook generator (http://www.plainenglish.co.uk/examples/gobbledygook-generator.html)

[d2dave]

This is more for those of you who have had a colonoscopy, or are close to someone who has. This includes myself and SWMBO(Three times)Parts of this had me in fits of laughter.


Dave.



COLONOSCOPY

I called the doctor, Andy, who happened to be a friend of mine, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Alice Springs.

He then explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP MY BEHIND!’

I left the doctor’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later, for now suffice it to say, we must never allow it to fall into the hands of our enemies…

I spent the next several days sitting around being nervous.

Then on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day. All I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

Then in the evening, I took MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one litre plastic jug, then fill it with luke warm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then I have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes (and here I am being kind) like a mixture of cold goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by someone with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose watery bowel movement may result’

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic here, but, have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with me as the shuttle. There are times when I wish the old commode out in the shed had a seat, because you spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not yet eaten.

After an action packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the hospital. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologise to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the hospital I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that when you put it on, makes you feel more naked than when you are actually naked…

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep…

At first I was annoyed that I hadn’t thought of this, but then pondered what would happen if you got too ****ed to make it to the bathroom, you would be staggering around in fire hose mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and anesthetist. I did not see the 17,000 foot tube, but I know Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthetist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realised that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by Abba. I remarked to Andy that of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.

“You want me to turn it up?” said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

“Ha ha” I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squirmish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea really. I slept through it. One moment Abba was yelling “Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine", and the next moment I was back in the other room, waking in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours.

I have never been more proud of an internal organ.


Here is a list of quotes from people who have had a colonoscopy whilst awake. A physician claimed that these are actual comments made by patients (mainly male) while he was performing their colonoscopies.

“Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before?

“Find Amelia Earhart yet”

“Can you hear me now”

“Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

“You know in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”

“Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

“You put put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”

“Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

“If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!”

“Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

“You used to be an exectutive at Enron, didn’t you?.

“God, now I know why I am not gay.”

“Could you tell my wife that my head is not up there?.

[ADMIRAL]

A man in rural Wisconsin woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. Not exactly sure what to do, he takes a look in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers". He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun and a mean ole pit bull dog.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[sashadidi]

Mc Donalds Advert!!!

[Fifth Columnist]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Bumrungrad Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".

[Bytemrk]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory

The personnel manager explains his duties, and tells him to report
to work promptly at 8am.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's
door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about
this new employee. He says that he is incredibly slow and the
whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down
to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backing up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. He has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles.They both watch as he cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package
between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts to laugh hysterically.
After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to
the man and says,


"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!!" :p

[sashadidi]

These should come with a health WARNING......

My wife told me to go to the chemist and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

The doctor said I can go home next week .

[MEANZ06]

These should come with a health WARNING......

My wife told me to go to the chemist and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

The doctor said I can go home next week .


:Rolling:

[Davehoos]

Australia Day 2012 - Barbie Girl [Sam Kekovich vs Melissa vs Tkautz vs Justice Crew] - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=ouvnDMRoJDY)

australia day lamb on the barbie

[Bigbjorn]

A southern redneck calls up his lawyer and asks "Wit all dem lawsuits going
on I'm
feelin' kinda left out.

How do I get in on some of dat action? I hears dat people are
suing the
cigarette companies 'cause dey got
cancer and others are suing the Big Mac company cause dey got
themselves
fat and all kinds of stuff"!!

His lawyer asks "And which one of those categories do You fit
under?"
The dear ole country boy, God bless his soul answers.....

"Neider cher, I just wanna know if I can sue Budweiser for all
dem ugly women I woke up wit...

[It'sNotWorthComplaining!]

The Arab and the Scotsman


An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood,
it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW,
diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".:D

[Bytemrk]

Elderly couple in church:

Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"
















Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid!". :wasntme:

[Fifth Columnist]

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

[superquag]

You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes,
without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set
up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you
how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that
every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got
the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new
project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve
their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too
stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor
allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million)
later they had a fantastic solution. They solved the problem by using
high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever
a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop,
someone would walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing
another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project:
amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the
scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were
gaining market share. "That's some money well spent!" - he says, before
looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after
three weeks of production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen
a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug
against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the
report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any
defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were
good.

Puzzled, the CEO travelled down to the factory, and walked up to the part of
the line where the precision scales were installed.

A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty
boxes out of the belt and into a bin.

"Oh, that," says one of the workers - "one of the guys put it there 'cause
he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang".

[V8Ian]

From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests'


1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

11. "We bought' Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish..."

15. "The roads were uneven.

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation. We are trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad'"

20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

[KarlB]

Tony Abbott was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said Tony. "How about boat people, health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

Tony, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss refugees, health care, or the economy, when you don't know ****?" And then she went back to reading her book.

[sashadidi]

George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the sticken Italian liner saying....
I'm often left abandoned lying on my side....
with a badly damaged bottom after a nights cruising.

[Rusnut]

Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie Neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. So he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese Custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs ? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are ****ing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's' bum, it could just about **** on you.
The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.' 'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'

'Yes they are. Man at travel agent tell me, replied the Chinese man,' He say to become true Australian, I learn to chase chicks, drink ****, and listen to bull-****'

[Fifth Columnist]

A group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, beforeyou jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".

The authorities think she may have been pushed

[Fifth Columnist]

A hungry but penniless bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow. He sits at the counter and notices Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?" The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Aye, ye can gae right aheid." Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.

The old Jock says, "Aye, that's as far as I got too."

[spudboy]

Two drums and a cymbal....

My wife has been missing for two weeks. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.


My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend, yet.


Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum. Do you think I should change dentists?


A wife says to her husband, "you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."


There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.


You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.


A friend of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."


I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned on my Facebook page that, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!


Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick man."


The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

[Fifth Columnist]

Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving School. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited, and arrange to meet for lunch.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterwards, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London ’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal .

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and then became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .

Mary explains that she after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on a certain appendage.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan bursts into tears and confesses that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco’s. They live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, confesses that she and Clive are both care assistants in an old people’s home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent .

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg

[kenleyfred]

Three aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey ..

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer!!

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and
she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'


Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
.

[kenleyfred]

Wisdom
Women always say giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the balls.
Here is proof they are wrong:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It would be nice to have another baby".
You'll never hear a guy say, "I would like another kick in the balls"!

[isuzutoo-eh]

During this year's Country Music Festival at Tamworth, after a few complaints, the police hauled in this Snake Oil Merchant who was attempting to peddle Eternal Life Elixir to the public. They questioned him and after some time they decided to look him up in the records.

What they found was incredible, he was not only on their files but was also a repeat offender for the same crime; once in 1790, again in 1810 & most recently in 1926

[kenleyfred]

The Irish Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"


"My wife's."


''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."


A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"


The man replied, "Get in line."

[Fifth Columnist]

I've given up Viagra for lent. I'm really missing it, though, not at all sure I'll be able to keep it up.

[BigJon]

ELECTRICAL THEORY BY JOSEPH LUCAS
Positive ground depends on proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as “smoke”.
Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.

For example, if one places a copper bar across the terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions. The logic is elementary and inescapable!

The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another. When the wiring springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterward.

Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some time largely because they consumed large quantities of smoke, requiring very unsightly large wires.
It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American counterparts. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national defense secrets.

Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.

In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke provides a logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical components especially British units manufactured by Joseph Lucas, Ltd.

And remember: “A gentleman does not motor about after dark.”

Joseph Lucas “The Prince of Darkness”
1842-1903

A few Lucas quips:

The Lucas motto: “Get home before dark.”

Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.

Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.

The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.

If Lucas made guns, wars would not start

Back in the ‘70s, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which did not suck.

Q: Why do the British drink warm beer? A: Because Lucas makes their refrigerators.

This has been referred to as the smoke theory when the smoke comes out its finished, cooked or done for.

[MEANZ06]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

:D

[d2dave]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.


We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him stupid. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So Mary called him a *#$^*
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[DiscoMick]

I shamelessly pinched this off another forum::)


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes


I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse


My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."


Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.


An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world , swum with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

[V8Ian]

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this -
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...... It creates a hostile work environment.

Is this the right thread? ;)

[Fifth Columnist]

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgae, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home pished, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that was a effin brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home pished, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc....wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really Nae big secret. The water does ****** all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

[rick130]

A man of about 65 asks the trainer in the gymnasium:

"What machine should I use to impress a woman of 30?"

The trainer looks at him and says:

"I recommend the ATM."

[Sprint]

deleted...... think i should keep it PG......

[Jojo]

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

[digger]

I have just been watching a Sky news report.


Apparently the Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
I was shocked I didnt know they were getting involved.

They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand, and one full of cement..

Looks like it was a mortar attack. :D


FUNNY SIGNS

Gynaecologist's Office.....'DR DANIELS AT YOUR CERVIX'

In Paediatrist's Office....."WOUNDS ALL HEELS'

On a septic tank truck......"YESTERDAY'S MEALS ON WHEELS

On a plumber's truck........"WE REPAIR WHAT YOUR HUSBAND FIXED"

On another Plumbers truck.."DON'T SLEEP WITH A DRIP. CALL YOUR PLUMBER"

On a church's Bill board.......'7 DAYS WITHOUT GOD MAKES ONE WEAK"

At a tyre store.................."INVITE US TO YOUR NEXT BLOW OUT"

On an Electrian's truck........."LET US REMOVE YOUR SHORTS"

In a no smoking area..........."IF WE SEE SMOKE,WE WILL ASSUME YOU ARE ON FIRE AND TAKE APPROPRIATE ACTION"

On a Maternity room door......"PUSH PUSH PUSH"

At an Optometrist's Office......" IF YOU DON'T SEE WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR, YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE."

On a taxidermist's window......."WE REALLY KNOW OUR STUFF"

On a fence........................."SALESMEN WELCOME! DOG FOOD EXPENSIVE!"

At a car dealership................"THE BEST WAY TO GET BACK ON YOUR FEET- MISS A CAR PAYMENT"

Outside a car exhaust store......"NO APPOINTMENT NECESSARY; WE HEAR YOU COMING."

In a vet's waiting room............"BE BACK IN 5 MINUTES. SIT! STAY!"

In a restaurant window............"DON'T STAND AND BE HUNGRY; COME ON IN AND GET FED UP"

In the front yard of a Funeral Home .." DRIVE CAREFULLY. WE'LL WAIT"

Radiator shop........................"BEST PLACE IN TOWN TO TAKE A LEAK.

Another septic tank truck..........."CAUTION- THIS TRUCK IS FULL OF POLITICAL PROMISES"

[V8Ian]

Movie Quiz:
1.) Pick a number from 1-9.
2.) Multiply by 3.
3.) Add 3.
4.) Multiply by 3 again.
5.) Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of movies below:


Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Julia Gillard Farewell Speech of 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire

[Blknight.aus]

Whats the difference between a Landrover Station Wagon and the QLD labour Party?

The landy has more seats

[bigcarle]

hi dave
can i steal that last joke for a Morris minor car club magazine please? do i acknowledge the forum or you for it?

[nugge t]

A old station hand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin’ yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."

[Blknight.aus]

hi dave
can i steal that last joke for a Morris minor car club magazine please? do i acknowledge the forum or you for it?

go for it, no credit needed.

[Basil135]

"I made a new discovery at work today," I said to my wife with a chuckle.

"You've worked at Land Rover for a week, and that joke's already wearing thin," she groaned.... :D

[dick180641]

The best one is not in your selection:-

SPEED KILLS
DRIVE A LAND ROVER AND LIVE LONGER

[V8Ian]

...

[V8Ian]

Michael and Gary got married in California.

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mom and Dad's house in Corner Brook for their first married night together.


In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Gary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'


Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and Gary up Yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '



After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Michael and Gary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline

And I think

....I gave him my airplane glue.'

[bob10]

The farmers sons were sent home from school for swearing, and got a lecture and sent them to bed without dinner. Next morning they sat at breakfast, and were asked what they wanted. "I'll have some of them bloody corn flakes", one replied. He got a clip over the ears @ a good toungue lashing for that. "And what do YOU want? " Dad said to the other, " None of them bloody cornflakes, for sure" he said

The english teacher asked bluey to give her a sentence with an object. " You are very pretty " he said. " Whats the object?" she asked. " To get an "A" in english, he said. Boom Boom ,Bob

[bob10]

Proudly showing off her newly leased apartment to a couple of friends one night, a slightly tipsy blonde led the way to her bedroom, where there was a large brass gong on the wall. " what's the gong for? " asked a friend. " Ish not a gong, issss a talking clock" she replied. " serioushly?" said the friend, " Yup" hic!. " How does it work?" said friend , squinting. " jusht watch", at which the blonde picked up a hammer @ gave the gong an earshattering bash. They looked at each other in silence,. Suddenly , a voice from the other side of the wall screamed " for god's sake , you stupid cow, it's 3 o-clock in the morning!!! " Bob

[Bushie]

A young bloke in a pub notices an old couple being lovey dovey at the next table and eavesdrops on their conversation. The old bloke says "You know it was 50 years ago today when we first came to this pub. Do you remember how we sneaked out the back into the alley and had sex against the fence?"
"Oh yes!" she says "why don't we do it again for old times sake?"
So off they go the the young bloke thinks "I have to see this" and discretely follows them to a point where he can see them.
The old girl hitches up her skirt and the old bloke pushes her against the fence and they set off like you wouldn't believe. The young chap had never seen anything like it as the old fella was off like a jackhammer. They thrashed and gyrated for about half an hour then collapsed on the floor exhausted. The young bloke went up to them and said "That was fantastic. If I have a tenth that much energy at your age I'll be very happy, what's your secret?"
The reply - "Sonny, 50 years ago this fence wasn't electrified!"


Martyn

[Xtreme]

I, ______________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology, if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______ a Martini ______ a Margarita ____ a Scotch and soda ______ a Gin and Tonic _______ a Tea Time ______ a Steak ______ Lobster or crab legs ______ the remote control ______ a bowl of ice cream ______ the sports page ______ a Land Rover parts catalogue ______or chocolate:
it should be presumed that I won't ever get any better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.
Signature:__________________________ Date: _________________________
NOTE:
I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub.
The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors.
Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes.
If anyone knows the name of this happy place, PLEASE send me the data so I can pre-register.

[DeeJay]

Whats the difference between a 19 year old Blonde Male & 19 year old blonde female???
The female has a higher sperm count...

[bob10]

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman were on the Titanic, when she hit the iceberg. As she started to sink, the Purser shouted " we are about to meet our maker, we'd better do something religious!!". The Englishman said a prayer, the Irishman sang a hymn, and the Scot took up a collection!. Boom boom , Bob

[p38arover]

hi dave
can i steal that last joke for a Morris minor car club magazine please? do i acknowledge the forum or you for it?

Gawd! That's two of you on here who are in MM car clubs. Scouse is the other.

[kenleyfred]

What happened to the password Cartoon ?

[V8Ian]

Gawd! That's two of you on here who are in MM car clubs. Scouse is the other.
Uhhh...................three. :angel:

[bigcarle]

Quote:
Originally Posted by bigcarle https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/imported/2016/08/768.jpg (http://www.aulro.com/afvb/general-chat/29343-jokes-post1654111.html#post1654111)
hi dave
can i steal that last joke for a Morris minor car club magazine please? do i acknowledge the forum or you for it?

Gawd! That's two of you on here who are in MM car clubs. Scouse is the other.

Uhhh...................three. :angel:

coool i have been practicing with a Facebook page for Morris Minors (even though i have a Marina :o:wasntme:)
https://www.facebook.com/groups/170118929777667/

[rfurzer]

Gawd! That's two of you on here who are in MM car clubs. Scouse is the other.

Three!

[Scouse]

Gawd! That's two of you on here who are in MM car clubs. Scouse is the other.


Uhhh...................three. :angel:


coool i have been practicing with a Facebook page for Morris Minors (even though i have a Marina :o:wasntme:)
https://www.facebook.com/groups/170118929777667/


Three!Four??



Damn, I thought I was amongst semi-normal people here :(.
Maybe we can hassle ask Inc for a new section ;).

[digger]

Four??



Damn, I thought I was amongst semi-normal people here :(.
Maybe we can hassle ask Inc for a new section ;).

only if they are called "Lorris Rinors" so the AULRO still works :)

[bigcarle]

between a Morris Marina and a Morris Nomad i wanted my drive around car to be at least from the same country, if not loosely the same parent company many years ago, hence the Disco

[digger]

Boy, have I had a bad week!

It all started when my Ipod wouldn't work...
So I changed my IPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.:)

I've written some notes I had thought about this week... here they are..

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I was worried so I spoke to my local chemist, and he had a heart attack and died...I learnt this week that when chemists die, they barium.

I always wondered how does Moses make his tea? I assume Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I went to the disco and this girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I truely believe that Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
This week I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

I decieded to go on tour, first, to America... but I had some questions.....
Why were the Indians in America first? (They had reservations.)
We are going on a class trip to the AMerican Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

On holidays I stopped shaving...I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Whilst away I heard about my daughters cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? She told me that when you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

I was a bad student I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

In England I learnt that they have no kidney bank, but I suppose it does have a Liverpool.

I was going to write some notes...then I realised Broken pencils are pointless.
I was bored so I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

I know stuff like, What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Whilst in NEW YORK, I learnt that all the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. whilst I was visiting the NYPD a cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I got a job at a haunted bakery because I kneaded dough. Let me tell you haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.

Sorry I got stuck on the bakery thing....Speaking of getting stuck,,,Velcro, what a rip off!

The earthquake last week in Washington obviously was the government's fault.


OK I must go,
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Before I go I must say, Be kind to your dentist. Remember, He has fillings, too.

Cheers, feel free to add any of your thoughts...

Digger



** copied from a thread in REMLR just to kick start this again! something in here should help! **

[ASN]

I went to buy my son a pet spider and when I got to the pet shop, they were $70. I thought,

'Bugger that, I can get one cheaper off the web!'

[Sith]

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits By Pam Ayres
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
>From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

[digger]

The Federal Police announced today that they have arrested an inventor/businessman/terrorist in ADELAIDE.

Apparently he was manufacturing prayer mats that were laced with explosives and were to be sent to the Taliban in Afghanistan.

He is quoted as having said, that he hoped his invention would sent Prophets through the roof!:eek:

Two elephants fell off a cliff!!....

BOOM BOOM

[sashadidi]

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking ********.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located. I know some "404's"....do you?

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am.

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

* TRAMP STAMP
Lower back tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

* LAST TIME BUYER
A person buying a retirement home.

* BOBFOC
A Woman who looks great from behind but hideous from the front: "Body Of Baywatch, Face Of Crimewatch"
__________________

[Homestar]

There are only 2 types of economists:-

The first type can't predict global economic trends...

The second type don't know they can't predict global economic trends...

[Blknight.aus]

Over-engineered is a Money Mans term.

[mick88]

Friday avo and the Year 5 class are given an assignment for the weekend: To educate as many of their friends and family as possible about the evils of illicit drug use. Bonus points would be given for the innovative use of props.

Monday morning and Little Suzy is very excited. She is the first to volunteer to share here weekend assignment. She proudly states that she has convinced 12 people to n......ever use drugs. "Fantastic", says the teacher. "How did you do it?"

"Well, miss, I used a 5 cent coin and a 20 cent coin to help get my point across. I told my friends and family that, in relative terms, your brain is like a twenty cent coin before drug use, but shrinks to the size of a five cent coin!"

"Excellent work" said the teacher, proud as punch of her star student. Little Johnny, meanwhile is down the back of the class, picking his nose and not looking interested. The teacher sees this and demands Little Johnny to give his presentation.

So up Johnny gets and saunters to the front of the class. "How many people did you convince not to use drugs, young man?". "'Bout 40, miss", replies Little Johhny, as casual as ever.

The teacher was shocked. "How on earth did you do that?"

"Well, miss, it's like this", little Johhny replied. "I used a similar technique to that of Suzy" With that he pulls out a 5 cent and a 20 cent piece. "I told all me mates that drugs are illegal, and ya could go to jail if ya get caught. Before you go into jail, your asshole is the size of this 5 cent piece. When ya come out, its more like this 20 cent piece..."

[V8Ian]

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.







He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"

"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.







"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."

God continued pointing to different countries. --- "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"

"That's Queensland, Australia , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, beautiful rivers, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Queensland are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, --- "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled, --- "I will create Canberra,
Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."...............

[Bigbjorn]

Researchers have determined that the most commonly used sexual position amongst married couples is "doggy style".

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

[kenleyfred]

Researchers have determined that the most commonly used sexual position amongst married couples is "doggy style".

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

I thought this was the 'jokes thread'

Nothing funny about that, too close to the truth.

[MEANZ06]

A mother is cleaning her teenage son’s room when she sees some magazines under his bed …

… Curious, she grabs the magazines and is shocked to find that they are S&M porn magazines. In her horror, she screams.

The father runs in, sees his wife crying, sits down beside her on his son’s bed, and asks, “What’s wrong?” And, pointing at the magazines in her hand, he asks, “What are those?”

The mother passes him the magazines. He flips through them, and his eyes widen as he sees some of the most explicit and disturbing S&M images his mind could have ever imagined.

The mother, between sobs, asks her husband, “What are we gonna do with this boy?”

Her husband replies, “Well, we’re not gonna spank him. That’s for sure.”

[Blknight.aus]

A proton walks into a bar and orders a pangalacticgarlgeblaster. The barman asks "are you sure?" The proton replys "I'm positive.

A neutron comes in shortly after and orders the same thing, when the neutron ask the price the barman responds For you, no charge

There are only 2 kinds of people in the world, those who can extrapolate conclusions from incomplete

[Siska]

Here are a few Land Rover jokes (some may be truths) I came across on another forum

All Land Rovers are like women - They moan on long journey's, embarrass you in front of friends, and you spend more money than you ever expected once you've commit yourself to one.

Police officers shake your hand when they issue you a speeding ticket

Why do most Defenders have jerry cans and gas bottles fitted? - So that the driver can make coffee while waiting for the tow truck

Land Rovers have the best fuel consumption of all 4x4's - That's because they are always being towed by Toyotas.

Why do Land Rovers always drive in convoy? The are playing 'Who's the Weakest Link

I always wondered why Land Rover called their models, a Series 90, Defender 110 etc - But this weekend I found out, those numbers in the model name are the top speeds

When you drive on a motorway, you get these emergency phones next to the road. Stop and look closer. On the phones there are emergency numbers like; police, ambulance, doctor, Land Rover etc.

Q: What goes on pages 4-5 of the Landy's users’ manual?
A: The train & bus schedule

Q: What is the sport-version of a Landy?
A: The driver wears Nike shoes

Q: What do you call a Landy with brakes?
A: Customized

Q: What do you have to do if your Landy gets in the way of a swarm of killer bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge in the car

Q: How do you make a Landy go faster uphill?
A: Throw out the passenger.

Land Rover is one of the most environmentally friendly cars you can find..
It puts the oil back in the earth

You put your coat on as you get INTO your car.

If, whilst driving, you frequently turn down the volume of the stereo .... to check for new noises.

I can trust my husband: if he stays out all night long it's because he's stuck in the forest and not because of another women.

[DeeJay]

And will I have the time to read it??

The Prophesied End-Time Revealed: 2008 - God's Final Witness (http://the-end.com/2008GodsFinalWitness/?gclid=COilqbvMmLACFSRKpgod-lQ34A)

Quote
"The year 2008 marked the last of God’s warnings to mankind and the beginning in a countdown of the final three and one-half years of man’s self-rule that will end by May 27, 2012.":eek::eek::wacko::wacko:

[p38arover]

"That's Queensland, Australia , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, beautiful rivers, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Queensland are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

As soon as I saw that, I knew I was in the joke thread!

[Bigbjorn]

As soon as I saw that, I knew I was in the joke thread!

That's rich coming from a Far Westie resident of the Plains of Emu. Sydney's west has been described as the classless society, no class.:D

[V8Ian]

That's rich coming from a Far Westie resident of the Plains of Emu. Sydney's west has been described as the classless society, no class.:D
But originally from Salisbury (Qld) if I'm not mistaken, Ron needs to come back for a top up of each the afore mentioned attributes. ;):p

[p38arover]

But originally from Salisbury (Qld) if I'm not mistaken, Ron needs to come back for a top up of each the afore mentioned attributes. ;):p

No. Born in Sydney (Crown St), lived in Albury, Harris Park, Dolans Bay, St Marys, Rylstone, St Marys (all NSW) then moved to Qld — Calamvale for final year of primary school, then all high school at Salisbury (living first at Calamvale then Inala then back at Calamvale. As soon as I finished high school, it was back to St Marys in NSW.

After that it was Moree (NSW), Ceduna (SA), Carnarvon (WA), Penrith (NSW), Emu Plains (NSW), Riyadh (Saudi Arabia), Norfolk Island, and now back in Emu Plains.

[V8Ian]

No. Born in Sydney (Crown St), lived in Albury, Harris Park, Dolans Bay, St Marys, Rylstone, St Marys (all NSW) then moved to Qld — Calamvale for final year of primary school, then all high school at Salisbury (living first at Calamvale then Inala then back at Calamvale. As soon as I finished high school, it was back to St Marys in NSW.

After that it was Moree (NSW), Ceduna (SA), Carnarvon (WA), Penrith (NSW), Emu Plains (NSW), Riyadh (Saudi Arabia), Norfolk Island, and now back in Emu Plains.
A nomad eh? :p

[djhampson]

No. Born in Sydney (Crown St), lived in Albury, Harris Park, Dolans Bay, St Marys, Rylstone, St Marys (all NSW) then moved to Qld — Calamvale for final year of primary school, then all high school at Salisbury (living first at Calamvale then Inala then back at Calamvale. As soon as I finished high school, it was back to St Marys in NSW.

After that it was Moree (NSW), Ceduna (SA), Carnarvon (WA), Penrith (NSW), Emu Plains (NSW), Riyadh (Saudi Arabia), Norfolk Island, and now back in Emu Plains.

Calamvale State School? I went there but probably a few years after you :p

[MEANZ06]

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four 'leaks' behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You sound like one hell of an outdoors man!"

'No,' I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer!"

:D

[p38arover]

Calamvale State School? I went there but probably a few years after you :p

1960 for me. It was a three-roomed school. Sixth, Seventh, and Eighth Grades all shared the same room and teacher. I was the only boy in Eighth Grade. ;)

I lived at what was locally called "the big house". It was the only two-storey house at Calamvale.

[Bigbjorn]

1960 for me. It was a three-roomed school. Sixth, Seventh, and Eighth Grades all shared the same room and teacher. I was the only boy in Eighth Grade. ;)

I lived at what was locally called "the big house". It was the only two-storey house at Calamvale.

Jesus. Did Calamvale actually exist in 1960? In 1965 Empire Speedways announced they were building a new one mile dirt track at some place called Calamvale. None of us speedway types had ever heard of it and had to find it on a map. Brisbane then effectively stopped at Acacia Ridge. There was nothing from there to the Jimboomba village and pub.

[d2dave]

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound and didn't leave the house for 5 years.

It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.

[Xtreme]

Very interesting,
Scientifically proven.................. Six Truths in Life


1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.













2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.





3. And discover #1 is a lie.





4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.





5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.





6. There is still a stupid smile on your face





I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company. You now have 2 options...delete it, or send it along to put a smile on someone's face today.

[sashadidi]

Using a small pistol.

[Homestar]

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 ?


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

[shorty943]

A bloke and his lad are walking down the street to the shops to get a pint of milk and some eggs, bitter cold day it was.
On the way little "johnie" spots a bee in some flowers beside the footpath, stomps on it.
Dad says, "why did you do that? he wasn't hurting anyone, he was just out gathering food for his family, to teach you a lesson, NO honey for a month".
On the way back little "Johnie" spots a butterfly, out go the hands, clap, one squashed butterfly.
Dad says, "now why did you do that? he was just out getting some food, to teach you a lesson, NO butter for a month".
After dinner that night, bitter cold night, mother throws a log on the fire, there was a cockroach on that log.
Little "johnie" looks at dad, and says, "Well dad? are you going to tell her, or shall I?"

[d@rk51d3]

I'm voting Greece to win the Eurovision song contest.
Not because I think they are good,
I just want to see their Prime Minister's face when they realise how much the arena costs for next year.

[spudboy]

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form
that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then
asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"I have also invented a folding carton."

Again she said "What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of
them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the
office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

[digger]

I just got a $200 bet on with the local bookie..

Pretty happy.

I have bet $200 on Molly MELDRUM making the top of the ladder before Port Power....


Port are going that rough that the light blew in the coaches box and was out for 3 weeks until they could get a past player back to help...

Noone in the current side appears to be able to climb a ladder

:)

[d2dave]

The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the Prime Minister's new health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it .

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were p$#@ed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ###holes in Canberra!

[Deefa]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Rabbi, a Minister, a Priest and a horse walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

[kenleyfred]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,

...walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai."

[Deefa]

Nice one

[Xtreme]

I don't usually post in this thread but thought I'd make the exception for this one ....................

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box
of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take
care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that
he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom
to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who
gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think

[sashadidi]

A woman out shopping with her husband spots a pair of shoes she loves.
The husband says: ?”No chance love, they’re way too expensive”

Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck
and places his hand on her hip.

She turns to him and says. ”I don’t think so, pal....
If you’re not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell aren’t riding it”

[Chucaro]

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy."Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you knowit was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

[mick88]

One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside of a monastery. A monk came out and invited the man inside to have dinner and to spend the night. The stranded motorist gladly accepted the monk's offer. That evening the man had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, the man asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the chef replied, "I'm the chip monk."

[digger]

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,

"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

...O...o

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?",
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

...o...O

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

[digger]

A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.

Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner.
Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap."

[d2dave]

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,

"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

...O...o

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?",
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

...o...O

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

There is another version of this joke(that I reckon is better) three pages back, post No. 1891

[sporran]

> : My New Golf Book
>
>
> Dear Friends,
>
> I have written a book and am quite proud of the results and, in order to market the publication, I'm asking friends and family to spread The news about this essential read.
>
> This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my 50+ years of experience.
>
> Highlights include:
>
> Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
>
> Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee
>
> Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank
>
> Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger
>
> Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m
>
> Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
>
> Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
>
> Chapter 8) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee
>
> Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

> Chapter 10) How to help your opponent find his ball when you are standing on it

> The book also includes some GOLF TERMINOLOGY
>
> Ø A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
>
> Ø A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
>
> Ø A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
>
> Ø A Cuban - needs one more revolution
>
> Ø An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
>
> Ø An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
>
> Ø A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
>
> Ø A Kate Moss - bit thin
>
> Ø A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
>
> Ø A Rodney King - over- clubbed
>
> Ø An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
>
> Ø A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
>
> Ø A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
>
> Ø A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
>
> Ø An elephant's arse - high and ****y
>
> Ø A condom - safe but didn't feel real good
>
> Ø A sister-in-law - up there but I know I shouldn't be
>
> I have copies in stock but I anticipate a rush so be quick and ensure you don't miss out!
>
> Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from my expertise.....
>
>

[Nick S]

Three dogs were at the Vet

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet when they
struck up a conversation. The black Labrador turned to the yellow
Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a ****er. I **** on everything... the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last
night when I ****ed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They
reckon it'll calm me down."

The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked "So why are you
here?"
The black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected black Lab said.

The black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump
the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down
to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back
and started hammering away!"

The black and the yellow Lab's exchanged a sad glance and said, "so,
it's nuts off for you too, huh?"


The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

[digger]

There is another version of this joke(that I reckon is better) three pages back, post No. 1891

after a quick flick back.... I agree with you! Sorry!

[jerryd]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

:)

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken

:)


Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[V8Ian]

Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back: "Computer really buggered now.”

[DEFENDERZOOK]

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that
the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

[bob10]

Paddy and Mick were driving down the road
drinking a couple of beers.




The passenger, Mick, suddenly said,




'Lord tundering.... up ahead -- it's a police roadblock!!




We're gonna get busted for drinkin' dese here beers!!'

'Don't worry,' Paddy said.




'We'll just pull over and finish dese beers,




then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads,




and throw the bottles under the seat.'





'What fer?'





'Jist let me do de talkin', OK?'

So they finished their beers,




threw the empties out of sight




and put a label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock,




the Royal Irish Constabulary officer took a long look at the two of them and said,




'You boys been drinkin'?'




'No at all,' said Paddy, pointing at the labels.

'We're on the patches.' Bob

[mick88]

Yesterday I got my Tax Return "Returned"

I was trying to get a jump on doing my taxes this year,
however, the ATO sent my Tax Return back!!

... I guess it was because of my response to the line, which said:
"List All Dependents"

So, I replied:

1/2 million illegal immigrants
1/4 million crack heads
2 million unemployable people living on welfare
1 million people in over 123 prisons
and
353 fools in Parliament House and the Senate.

Apparently, this was NOT acceptable.....
So I sent it back with a question asking "did I forget someone"?

[bob10]

A question from a University of Washington mid term chemistry exam: "Is Hell exothermic [ gives off heat], or endothermic? [ absorbs heat] ".
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyles Law [ gas cools off when it expands, & heats up when compressed ] , or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

' First we need to know how the mass of hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are entering and leaving . I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the World today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since their are more than one of these religions, and since it can be assumed people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project all souls will go to hell.


With birth & death rates as they are , we can expect the no. of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyles law states that in order for the temp. & pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities....

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temp. & pressure in Hell will clearly increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temp. & pressures will drop until Hell freezes over.

So, which is it ? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my freshman year that " It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you " , and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2) cannot be true. and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic. ' He got the only A. Bob

[p38arover]

Repost.

See http://www.aulro.com/afvb/general-chat/29343-jokes-post627164.html

[kenleyfred]

You have far too much time on your hands if you want to trawl all the way back to December 2007 to tell us that that was a repost.

I reckon post away. Most of us enjoyed that.
And the way my brains going, last years jokes are all new to me.

[mick88]

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing
25 pounds.

... Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?

Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? ""He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcisedSee more

[p38arover]

You have far too much time on your hands if you want to trawl all the way back to December 2007 to tell us that that was a repost..

I don't have to trawl, I knew it was there. And it is a very old joke.


And the way my brains going, last years jokes are all new to me.

Maybe start at page one again. There's nearly 200 pages of jokes that will seem new to you.

[MEANZ06]

Life is like a penis...

Simple, soft, straight relaxed and hanging freely
then...

Then a woman shows up and makes it hard...

:D

[MEANZ06]

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.





One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the

Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.



Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.



The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.



The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their

chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.



Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.



The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .



The moral of the story --

Pay your blasted bills.

;)

[MEANZ06]

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.

:D

[Blknight.aus]

whats the definition of a wife?

An attachement a man screws on his bed that gets the housework done.

[ezyrama]

whats the definition of a wife?

An attachement a man screws on his bed that gets the housework done.

Bahahahahahahaha!!:Rolling:

I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had - breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. My wife turned to me and said "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down". I said "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

[pop058]

whats the definition of a wife?

An attachement a man screws on his bed that gets the housework done.

Washing, Ironing, Food and Entertainment :p

[Homestar]

Q - Why do women get married in white?

A - All kitchen appliances come in white...

[bob10]

Who said Scots are tight ???




A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.






Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,

unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.


The condom has a number of patches on it.


The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.


"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.


"Six pence" says the chemist.


"How much for a new one?"


"Ten pence" says the chemist.


The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana,

replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.


A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.


The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.


"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.




"We'll have a new one."

love it, Bob:D

[kenleyfred]

A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while, the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related ?"

The Aussie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."





Took the wife to a disco last weekend.
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large: breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

My wife said, "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down."

I said,
"Looks like he's still celebrating."

.

[d2dave]

Al Qaeda on Strike

BBC News - Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

[d2dave]

Took the wife to a disco last weekend.
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large: breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

My wife said, "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down."

I said,
"Looks like he's still celebrating."

.

I know jokes do get recycled from time to time, but four days and for posts ago is a bit ridiculous.:no2:

[kenleyfred]

My apologies. It was part of a copy and paste from an email. Easier to do the lot at the time.

[nugge t]

Three Australians and three Maoris are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England.
At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maoris buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies.
"Watch and learn, bro," answers one of the Maoris.
They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maoris cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So, after the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris again buy a single ticket between them. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Maori.
"Watch and learn, bro, " answers an Aussie.
When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet, and soon after the three Maoris cram into another nearby, and the train duly departs.
Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

[Homestar]

My wife says I need to see things from her point of view - so I looked out the kitchen window....

[MEANZ06]

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[bob10]

Still the best, Bob

My Blackberry Is Not Working! - The One Ronnie, Preview - BBC One - YouTube

[bob10]

Apologies if I've posted this before, Bob







Subject: Billy
To:



A old stationhand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.


The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"



Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...


Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."


"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wonderingwhat this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.



Now give me back my dog."

[fclandy]

Mick was raised in the country, and loved nothing better than going along to country shows and fairs and field days and looking at tractors. Shiny new tractors, lovingly-restored old tractors, big serious tractors, little toy tractors.

But best of all he loved seeing them in action, and his favourite tractor action was the tractor pull. He would always get as close as he could, way closer than he was supposed to, and was constantly getting chased back to a safe distance by organisers worried about their public liability insurance premiums.

One day, he hit on the bright idea of stealing an officials vest, and was able to get as close as he liked. Unfortunately that was the day a chain snapped, and as it whipped free Mick copped it right in the chest. Five broken ribs and a painful convalescence later, Mick moved to the big city, vowing never to so much as look at a tractor again.

In the city he had to learn new ways, like going to a disco to meet girls. He found them rather noisy and claustrophic, but there were girls there, so he went.

One night at the disco he was getting on well with a particularly charming young lass when a fire broke out. The place was jam-packed, so it was hard to move, and the smoke was thick, so it was impossible to see where the exit was. The crowd was in a panic, and his companion was hysterical "We're all going to die!" she wailed, over and over.

Mick began to draw his breath in, and smoke swirled into his lungs. He sucked harder, throwing back his arms and pursing his lips. Smoke was pouring into his mouth now, and some of the people closer to the exit could now see the exit sign glowing eerily green through the thinning smoke. Still Mick sucked, and the crowd began finding their way out, clambering through the now rapidly-clearing smoke toward the exit. Three minutes had passed, and still Mick was drawing in the smoke, as the last person staggered out into the clear air and safety.

Finally, Mick stopped sucking, and ran out himself, before letting out a huge rush of smoke to the night sky as the firefighters, who had now arrived, ran in with hoses to put out the fire.

"That was incredible!" his lady friend enthused, as people gathered to clap Mick on the back and thank him for saving their lives, "How on earth did you manage to do that?!"

"Aw, it was nothing", mumbled Mick, feeling a bit uncomfortable with all the attention, "I'm an ex-tractor fan"

BOOM-TISH!

[bob10]

I thought twice about putting this here, but it is well done, and worth a look, Bob [ No offence meant,]




Gonorrhea Lectim - New Deadly Disease

One should be thinking about this seriously. The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.

The disease is called "Gonorrhea Lectim". It's pronounced “Gonna re-elect em" and it is a terrible and deadly ailment.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk Behaviour involving putting your cranium up your rectum.

Many victims contracted it in 2007. But now most people, after having been infected for the past few years, are starting to realize how destructive this
sickness is. It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout.

Most people in Queensland took the first dose a couple of months ago but the second dose is due late next year

[Bigbjorn]

This sounds rather too much like the truth to me.



>
> > . >
>
> >
> >
> > YOU KNOW YOU HAVE WORKED IN CAMPBELL NEWMAN'S PUBLIC SERVICE WHEN....
> >
> >
> >
> > you have done the same job at the same desk in
> > the same building for eleven years and the Department
> has had four different names
> >
> > the sign on the front doors is attached with
> > Velcro
> >
> > your CV is on a CD in your briefcase
> >
> > you get excited about a 1.7% pay rise
> >
> > you learn about your redundancy on the ABC News
> >
> > your greatest inconvenience from a system crash
> > is losing your best jokes
> >
> > your supervisor does not have the ability to do
> > your job
> >
> > contractors and temps. and "higher duties" staff
> > outnumber permanent & substantive staff and are
> more likely to achieve long service leave
> >
> > you see a good looking smart person and know it
> > is a visitor
> >
> > interviewees, without knowledge or experience of
> > the job, terminate the interview when told the
> > starting salary
> >
> > you go to and from work in the dark, even in
> > summer
> >
> > you know exactly how many days you have left to
> > retirement
> >
> > you are so fed up with the job, you would love to
> > get a redundancy package, but packages seem
> > restricted to management's pets, relatives, concubines,
> > notorious brown-nosers, and person's who are so
> > incompetent even your management noticed
> >
> > the due date on the assignment you just got is
> > yesterday
> >
> > there are almost no white male breadwinners left
> > in your workplace, the staff now seeming to compose
> > "quota minorities" and middle-aged married
> > women working for luxuries like second & third
> investment properties, beach houses,overseas trips, and
> > expensive motor-cars
> >
> > you apply for a vacancy with promotion, and find
> > the selection committees always are composed of a
> > third world immigrant, a lesbian, a handicapped
> > person, & a rabid feminist social worker, none of
> > whom know anything about the job in question
> >
> > work experience, "workers for the dole", & youth
> > trainees get brand new state of the art laptops
> > while operational staff have time for a crossword whilst
> > their aeons old terminals boot up
> >
> > there is no money in the budget for sufficient
> > operational staff needed to meet service requirements &
> > legislative responsibilities, but a seemingly
> > unlimited amount for outside "consultants" to
> advise senior management on "strategy" and "policy"
> >
> > every week another collection envelope come
> > around for someone who is leaving, and you didn't even
> know they had started
> >
> > you start to wonder who will be left when your
> > envelope goes around
> >
> > holidays are something you roll over for another
> > year
> >
> > your supervisors were promoted because of their
> > incompetence, to limit the damage they were doing
> > when they were operational staff
>
> Competent, efficient, knowledgeable, and highly
> experienced staff are denied promotion year after
> year, while early twenties newbys with irrelevant
> degrees in useless studies (bachelor of
> unemployment) from second & third rate universities
> are "fast tracked" because they have "tertiary
> qualifications".
>
> There is not one person at management level in
> your department who is capable of getting or keeping
> a job at similar level in the private sector.
> >
> >
> > This was originally titled as John Howard's Public Service sent to me some little while ago
> > by a friend who works in Immigration Dept. in
> > Canberra. He says it was in wide circulation in the
> APS down there, and many disgruntled & cynical people
> think it rather closer to the truth than to humour.
> >
> >
> > I decided to update in view of the ructions created in the Qld. Public Service by Un-done Newman and his LNP controllers.
> >
> >
> >
> >

[MEANZ06]

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Scotland. One
day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his
congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub &
sat down next to the woman.

"Miss MacDonald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my
congregation. Why don't you let me take you home."

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss MacDonald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back &
forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink & grabbed her
arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance & tumbled to the
floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of
Miss MacDonald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over & said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that
carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord & said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded & said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as
well finish."

:D

[V8Ian]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me an! d said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(you are going to love this)





"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[Homestar]

Argon walks into a bar for a drink.

Barman says "OI! We don't serve Nobel Gases here!!!"

Argon doesn't react...

[ADMIRAL]

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right--only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify:" I put 'DOCTOR.'

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute only to skydive twice.
14. To be certain of hitting a target, shoot first, then call whatever you hit "the target."

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[Bigbjorn]

The Royal Navy.

"The recruiting officer promised me I would see the world and there would be wine, women, and song. What I got was rum, sodomy, and the lash. I saw the sea."

Look at this one. V. Funny.

Bird & Fortune The Admirals Interview (http://po.st/V72zyj)

[MEANZ06]

Elton John and his partner David Furnish had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

After the baby was born, Elton and David were ushered into the maternity ward.

A dozen babies were lying in their cribs. Eleven of them were crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying quietly, smiling.

A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?", Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his arse...."

:lol2:

[Saitch]

When I was young I wanted to be a Fortune Teller but as I got older I couldn't see any future in it!

[bob10]

sorry if this has been posted before....

Pervert phone call



The phone rings, and the wife answers.



A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,



"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"




Woman replies,



"Yes, I Have, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

[kenleyfred]

Mate of mine just come back from a holiday in Thailand and nearly had a sexual encounter with a 'ladyboy'. Scared the **** out of him....she looked like chick, talked like a chick, walked like a chick, danced like a chick and kissed like a chick. So she took him back to her place and when she reverse parallel parked into a tiny spot first go he thought," hang on a ****ing minute.....!"

[kenleyfred]

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show at the local Golf Club.
With his dummy on his knee he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting.
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general... pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde woman yells
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap!"

[kenleyfred]

A woman came home early and found her hubby in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -
a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want
a divorce straight away!"

And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you
what happened"

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say
to me!"

And he began:

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here
asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I
took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very
thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion,
I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last
night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on
weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was
doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say
they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good
taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair
like them.."

He took a quick breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her
to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said
'"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?''

[kenleyfred]

Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home in Ireland were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year-old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing, but the other could hear quite well.
When the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAID WE GOTTA SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAID HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out,
"OH MY GOODNESS - BOTH OF US?"

[kenleyfred]

1. Two blondes walk into a building .........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.


5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[kenleyfred]

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
Without a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!

He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!"

Elton bursts into tears.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!!"

[kenleyfred]

TWO GREAT COMEBACK RESPONSES


Number 1:



If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a criminal trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir, with my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom exploded into laughter and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line.


Number 2:

Now we know why he is a General



In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

[Bigbjorn]

TWO GREAT COMEBACK RESPONSES


Number 1:



If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a criminal trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir, with my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom exploded into laughter and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line.




A well known Brisbane park bench derelict of the 60's-70's was said to hold the world records for arrests for drunkeness in a public place. One morning he was in the usual lineup in the Magistrate's Court and the mag. said "Here again, Mr ---. What brings you before me this time?" "Two constables, your worship." " Drunk, I suppose?" "Yes, your worship, both of them."

[bob10]

A well known Brisbane park bench derelict of the 60's-70's was said to hold the world records for arrests for drunkeness in a public place. One morning he was in the usual lineup in the Magistrate's Court and the mag. said "Here again, Mr ---. What brings you before me this time?" "Two constables, your worship." " Drunk, I suppose?" "Yes, your worship, both of them."
Classic! Heard something similar from my late Uncle , a Wharfie in Brisbane. Now, back to the jokes, :D Bob

[sashadidi]

On his wife's 40th birthday,an electrician jokingly says:
'I guess it's time to trade you in for 2 twenties.'

She looks him straight in the eyes and says:
You're not wired for 2 twenties'

[bob10]

One for the punters;

CATHOLIC HORSES
http://www.aulro.com/afvb/wlmailhtml:{3E8AC80D-7FFC-4347-B0AB-12807D0668FA}mid://00000004/!x-usc:cid:77193D311CA448B2874FF94533220875@JohnLapto p

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
http://www.aulro.com/afvb/wlmailhtml:{3E8AC80D-7FFC-4347-B0AB-12807D0668FA}mid://00000004/!x-usc:cid:A399BD219FCD43B0A9DE134A8CE2FB1A@JohnLapto p

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.



Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.


By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
http://www.aulro.com/afvb/wlmailhtml:{3E8AC80D-7FFC-4347-B0AB-12807D0668FA}mid://00000004/!x-usc:cid:FB6B8D1A0B9241948A23C1BD6D635324@JohnLapto p
Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
http://www.aulro.com/afvb/wlmailhtml:{3E8AC80D-7FFC-4347-B0AB-12807D0668FA}mid://00000004/!x-usc:cid:B895BBBE37924B158606DEB7ED186DFA@JohnLapto p

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.
http://www.aulro.com/afvb/wlmailhtml:{3E8AC80D-7FFC-4347-B0AB-12807D0668FA}mid://00000004/!x-usc:cid:F845A9DD1BB341E6979F6B549945D320@JohnLapto p

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

[bob10]

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught!

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
...

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? http://www.aulro.com/afvb/wlmailhtml:{3E8AC80D-7FFC-4347-B0AB-12807D0668FA}mid://00000010/!x-usc:cid:image001.gif@01CD7EA7.DEFAA9A0

[d2dave]

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”

With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice, and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on baby, Mama needs new cloths!”

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down squealed….
“Yes! Yes! I won, I won!”

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know, I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blondes are dumb
But all men are men!

[gusthedog]

This is an actual review on amazon.co.uk (http://amazon.co.uk/) for Veet Hair Removal for Men...
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)

[Homestar]

OMG - that is hilarious. Read it out aloud to the missus - she almost wet herself laughing, and I had troubles getting to the end as tears of laughter were obscuring my vision...:D:D:D

[RangieBit]

Thanks for that Pricey.

Took me ages to read as I couldn't see to read through all the tears of laughter.

I don't think my socks will ever dry either!

[d2dave]

This is a Victorian joke. Other states can substitute Frankston for what is appropriate. Don't know other states well myself but would I be correct in suggesting Mt Druitt for NSW?

http://img823.imageshack.us/img823/8582/70799902.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/823/70799902.png/)

[gusthedog]

OMG - that is hilarious. Read it out aloud to the missus - she almost wet herself laughing, and I had troubles getting to the end as tears of laughter were obscuring my vision...:D:D:D



Thanks for that Pricey.

Took me ages to read as I couldn't see to read through all the tears of laughter.

I don't think my socks will ever dry either!

No worries guys. Had to share it :D. My fiance had to try to finish it three times she was laughing so hard when she first read it out to me.

[bob10]

Catholic Hairdryer


In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.
However, instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was
OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:


An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' '

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

[MEANZ06]

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to
give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.” Just pace yourself,
make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

She looked at the men in the room, “Gentlemen, remember –you’re in this together.
It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good
for you both.”The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments, a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

“Yes,” said the Instructor.”

I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught. Moistens my eyes.

[Bigbjorn]

A little too close to the truth, perhaps.

WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the U.N.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about

solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"



The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1.. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant..

2.. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3.. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4.. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6.. In South Africa they didn't know what "please" meant.

7.. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8.. In Australia and NZ they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[olbod]

A little too close to the truth, perhaps.


8.. In Australia and NZ they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Right on...
Now I hear telecom is going to the Phipipines.

Robert.

[wrinklearthur]

Found this serious warning on Facebook, I though it best to share it.


well stuff me mushrooms,i thought we would never get rid of them.we just had some so called freinds from tassie visit and it was hell.
geez luoise,all they did was bitch and moan all the time they were here,i am back at work now and let me tell you ,its like going on a holiday for me,just saying.you know,all they did was just sponge of us all the time,they said they were comming up for a break and a bit of a holiday,but come on.when people go on a so called holiday they take money with them right.
na not this mob, they took advantage of us in the sense of food and taking them every were, not once did they offer to buy abit food for the pantry or take us out for dinner one night,that would of been nice,they never put in for fuel,all they did was say take us here take us there.
you know they could not of had any money because the only shopping they done here was at those bargain shops like sams warehouse.you know t---a and i went out of our way to play host for them, we took some leave to show them around, but they wouldnt get out of bed untill around 12.
you know what ,i blame f***ing Vet star for this,there so called cheap flights lets bogans like them fly around australia with no money, i am going to give them a ring and ask them to make sure if they let bogans fly they must have a certain amount of money with them,f**k Vet star.
There was one time they wanted to go to Brisbane, on the way they wanted dinner, they said they would shout us,that was nice, so we called in to a kfc out let, they went in, came back out with a medium coke and small fries for me and t---a to share,whilst they were in the back tucking into a ten piece feed each,come on.
they also never washed any clothes,one of them, i reckon wore the same pair of socks the whole time they were here, the other one hardly had a shower,but when she did she would be in there for over an hour, na they just took advantage of us and never again, so if all you guys out there have visitors comming make sure they dont fly f***ing Vet star because you know the bogans wont have any money, just saying.

Slightly edited by your truly, to get past the swear filter etc.
.

[rrturboD]

Found this, and thought it would strike a chord with a few here!

[Bigbjorn]

A guy is sitting on his porch taking in the morning sun whilst he reads the newspaper. At the end of the street a Council truck arrives and two Council workers get out, pick two shovels out of the back and one proceeds to dig a hole in the footpath and the other then fills it in. They do this outside every house, working their way up the street.

When they get to his house, the by now mightily curious guy asks what they are doing.

"We're the council tree planting programme" says one. "The guy who plants the tree pulled a sickie today."

[dfendr]

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

[bob10]

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie are talking about screams of passion.
The Italian fellow said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her Body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Aussie said:
That's nothing!!!. Last night I massaged my wife ,you know, all over her body with a special butter.I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours ?....wow that's phenomenal !
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie replied
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."

[bob10]

Cowboy




I








The Gay Cowboy...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[bob10]

http://www.aulro.com/afvb/wlmailhtml:{3E8AC80D-7FFC-4347-B0AB-12807D0668FA}mid://00000008/!x-usc:cid:C5CB16B1F16E4CEA9F5E47B2683A3B31@JohnLapto p



Two friends meet after many years ....

They talk about their past life ...

One asks the other:

- And how's your sex life?? .....



- Same As Coca-Cola .......



- Oh great! .... Full of bubbles, eh?! ....



Nothing like that! ....
Before it was 'NORMAL',
then it became 'LIGHT',
and now it is 'ZERO' !