Jokes

[4bee]

Yes I sent one of myself...still waiting on notice of 'Acceptance', 6 months later. [bigsad][bigsad][bigsad]


You Idiot SQ, now it will be all over the internet somewhere probably on some dodgy website.:Rolling::rolleyes:
,

[sashadidi]

165522

[sashadidi]

165523

[windsock]

165522

There's a generation that wouldn't understand that one.

[sashadidi]

Chimps share 99.2% of their DNA with human beings, and they want it back.

[Saitch]

There's a generation that wouldn't understand that one.

Yea, what's a 'Girlfriend'?

[4bee]

Yea, what's a 'Girlfriend'?


Indeed, what's a floppy?

[Fifth Columnist]

Indeed, what's a floppy?
Ask an eighty year old. [wink11]

[sashadidi]

165566

[drivesafe]

Did you know that in the Canary Islands, there is not one Canary.

And in the Virgin Islands, the same thing.

Not one single Canary.

[DiscoMick]

Guinea Pigs don't come from Guinea, either.

[sashadidi]

165596

[sashadidi]

165597

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165598

[sashadidi]

165599

[sashadidi]

165600

[Eevo]

I can't believe the amount of people who don't understand what erectile dysfunction is.
I mean, it's not hard.

[sashadidi]

165640

[sashadidi]

165641

[350RRC]

165640

Hands win, hands down.

[Eevo]

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a ****** then!"

[Eevo]

A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier:
"I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."
So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.
The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...
One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said:
"No, you might have a snake in there."
The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and screamed:
"That smells like ****."
The lady replied:
"It is... I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper please."

[4bee]

Hands win, hands down.

A bit of both. What is the prize, a 1 litre bottle of Hand Sanitiser?[bigrolf]

[NavyDiver]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, "what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?"He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to **** yourself when I tell you the price!

[Eevo]

Two monkeys in a bath, one says "OOH OOH AAH AAH!" the other says "if it's too hot put some cold water in".

[sashadidi]

165681

[sashadidi]

165682

[Old Farang]

165681

Stolen from the Internet:


When I worked in maritime communications there was an owner of a particular stink-boat who would get his friends to book radiotelephone calls just so he could hear my coast station calling the "Far Queue 2". He'd never answer. The bastard would just chortle to himself while ****ed on red wine as "Far Queue 2" was called every two hours on the traffic lists.

[350RRC]

Stolen from the Internet:

Related to the numberplate thread.

You just reminded me what the numbers on my XD plates were after FKQ . The next was a 2.

DL

[V8Ian]

Stolen from the Internet:
What happened to Foxtrot Quebec?

[sashadidi]

165708

[sashadidi]

165709

[Eevo]

I went to the paint store yesterday to get thinner.
It didn't work.

[Eevo]

for homestar

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[Homestar]

I’ll pay that. [emoji106]🤣

[4bee]

for homestar

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YFR3S0inGPSByyx4KyjJ6t/vKVjDl18v6qPwR9h3qPySnfnkrk3f16Ir2gfYXCtyjMd3fQcgm SSJssloZCNmGuegOKK6HqhOACRhQJ6GWWnukATHPJSOhgTxSnY Rleh3UPujuVKhcSPC4g7VyK0FTMyxw8phNHWN308wjY/C5m6a8weoVdHiXtFPZmHlurHhuKafBenK9x/kqWuhCuwb9HMPJe6ez/AAZZw7DDqwv/AOY9z/7y8P4rD3cmbkbXuvDsT3cMUbfdZGxo9GtAH5Lg1mZY0kyuN S87krncqpPEXJo4i5ef sgU3F2yIpdyVXHGHLdqI7ij0Xq4I1l13aSof8AaT11L sgbcafA9uoHvMYaGtEpia8SRmPI1peZSbpsYZkN6j7RjbzW0M7 e8SwkeG72WnOeKhczVziRbSCN2bEnavOlnj2nw05y4nDsgxbHN c1z/DE57XB4D35XFjXEC9DYrXZeUce4qb7l0xkZhx3MTwKYY2eFpY0 e62gOZsVqd16SlDLGu0U1OlzaeW3JGvj4f4fTHOwcmIMj2yMc4 a93Zzv65QRWnmR5Kmijc yQQxppzqOhG7dfvfkrDs7gZJ5mhhoNIe5/Jovr1NV/QrV9pOLNH2MOg/9xw 8T7wH6/1VK8HP4swU2IGzdAOX6nqVHGIoqZxXhjm25rTtZZWoBF23qK5f 6FXhYnyvDI2lznbNGv8AQeZ0CNgo1PYbFy/tJZFIWNewmShYpu2h03IF/vFRe2nFJTiJMO95cxhaQSBZ8IdrX 8Vt ynZ9uEjNkOlfRe4bCtmN/dH1PyGC9okeXGvP4mMd/01/dXDhzrJqHXVfxjbpJUUDnJvfFDDypUPC55Pcgld6McR86XoSyJ eRKAGS1wylXuD7FYyTeMMHV7gPoLP0VvH7OJT707B6Ncf5Lnlq 8ce5BoxBcuWt2PZs7/AOSP Wf8SJH7NxzxJ EVf31N67D/ANv8MNGa4VGe6Nbud4T05fzTIISG0Lu9b6 v1 Kt8Rh2xDummwHOondwBOp9UI0BoK9F6cI8Jkmyv7kjdNIrYaqc JAocrjfP5JmqMRnscpnAOz8 NmEMDMzt3EnKxjfxPdyH1PK02PDkrfdg Jtw8EjGinvltzuZAaMgvoPF8yo5nsjuLYIfUmomO7R9kp8BMIp 8hJaHtfG4uY5pJGhIBsEEUQq57Q0a6Lbe1HDzRvixEhzMkYGMI vwFoDnMdex8RI6i i88p0hs7LQncU12LkjUmvAOeYu22T8HEXGhem9KW3hMjtm0Ort PpurzhvDBGK3PNGMG5WxW1RXwYE197/7H akvwzdLB J2PKydR6hWEMdEgoE ZoOxAI35g7hXpUJZX4mYSxOZ99gsA1m03Fb2P9Feq9n5C/CwPO5hjJ9coteUY9oJbKzcOonqNtfPkvVOAPDcLAG7dzHR/gC8T re2P5KRZY0u0hmcJCVeHQ1jgV00gGVJ0iPALDZ0kDOkhRjLx8V knic17WuDG5WvLRdkANaPOhuK0smzRGL4rHT8oNEaE fotscQxkZc0ZWC2xjyHvu8yTpfk7yWE 0nmqJpc9zqY0Czrt8fNfT4seyNPs69frP1OW4qo F/Pk2PCO0rMPh3YXCucxzhUuYAPJrV19eWh0Cs3dnoZomz4eY5dG yROGaVjgBbtN7Oum2YVaymP4A3AwOM2s51sbsO2VnU3u74ep D8QxOGdE9zXwSSx5o3EeGaM70Do4aAlp6Ap2ckWk7assuMYyN7 WNYS4s07wgCxyqq/JW3ZrhwjjL 7Yx0huwKcRyLj571/NcMUWKldiBCIWU0CIah7x77nHTTloNaHmrIyOXm6vIox lH/0rlzSyzc5B2PpKXAwyOzuiY51AZnMaTQ2FkeZQQEVjl5tvwJY4 YdjdmtHoAPyXRIg59Vxz6RpvsFhy4JBwUVzjzCax9FK00ayWh4 x SN7/AMLXH5BcL1XdpMTlwsnmA35uAP0RxY92SKfloFmAlfmcSfguZl x5oAc9z8f6ILnL7EkKZOjxHULl2ExmHe5waxpc5xprWguc4nYA DUlBmDGYL1nsN2YbNw Nx0c95lzepAH/AEAfMrMcA9lOOnIM XCs5l5D5D6RtO/ 8QvZeGYaHBYeLDscS2NgaC6i51czS5NROMo7Tr00ZRluoz3bDs yMTgzh3UaLXRm9nt21O1glt9HFeSs4a2I0GZSCQb94EGiDfO17 jPN3hN6Mqxrv0XkPbniDTjpQ2vcjLiObiC0n5Nak0uSpbR9Tju O4g0ErAVVJj0B2MJ5ru3HDRZzSAHXQjbzVY/Gh3p0XBj7GU61seaDFgXvfkY3MSb05Dq48h6pJzSVhoiRMc9zo 2WS6QBg8zofh/JesYOPu42RjZjGsHo0AfoqTs9wFmGt7iHSu3dyaDyb p5q5c9fOa7VLLJRj0hrC50g8obfNdJC4EYIZUzPaCUqTdG5CFx SQrSW3AMz2nNQNr8DPyafzJ avvY3A0umcWtJDYwDQsW jR8wkkvqTLsou2ZzcRja7VveNGU6iu9fpRXq3A8KyTg8gkY14Z 0ZA9ocG5Xuy5QdqrSkklCXuf4HMphhTQBoKGg9EQpJLxH2YKNk G0kkGZnAixbhJJBGQXGclDYkkll2ZhWqn7Wf X/jZ aSStpf3oflC DByHxO H/5CEUkl9ShDka2Xst/9Si8myEeRyEafMrqSTJ7GUxe9HqOKxD858Tt p6FUsEhLtSTqdySupLxj2JdAOIPIcaJHp6LzPjryZtST9md/wDjzJJK l/cOfVftoqZEBxSSXos80gyuNnVen9lmAYSIgCy2yeps6nqkkvK/qH7a/P wstWoT0kl4rFOE6JMSSQ8mOOKJGkkmRjhXEkljH/2Q==165710


What is he saying? I haven't a clue what to do next to satisfy these whinging Victorians.


Don't they recognise God when they see me?




I really am getting to dislike this bloke more than The Donald, although they both blow a lot of hot air.

[Eevo]

I have a fear of speedbumps.
but im slowly getting over it.

[DiscoMick]

A bloke tells his doctor: 'I do a poo at 6 every morning.'
Doctor: 'That's good.'
Bloke: 'No it's not. I don't get up until 7!'

[NavyDiver]

I went to the paint store yesterday to get thinner.
It didn't work.

I tied that Eevo. I went into my local paint shop and asked for a stripper, the assistant chucked me out.

[4bee]

I tied that Eevo. I went into my local paint shop and asked for a stripper, the assistant chucked me out.



So much for taking well meant advice. [biggrin] The question remains what would you have done if they'd wheeled one out for you? Run a bloody Mile, which from what I gather, you could do with your eyes closed.:TakeABow::Rolling:

[Eevo]

A frightened man dialed 000 to report! an assault. "I was coming in the back door," said the man to the dispatcher, "when I was struck on the forehead. Luckily, I was able to get into the house and lock the door. Please send help right away!"
After advising him to stay calm, the dispatcher sent an officer to investigate. About a half hour later, the rookie returns to the station and is sporting a large bump on his head.
"What happened to you?," asked the chief. "Did you find the perp?"
"Yes I did, and it was easy, chief," replied the rookie, rubbing his sore head ... "I stepped on the rake, too."

[Eevo]

What is he saying? I haven't a clue what to do next to satisfy these whinging Victorians.

https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/117899893_424145291879314_6931877128435992438_n.jp g?_nc_cat=106&ccb=2&_nc_sid=843cd7&_nc_ohc=EAsnrlpAgYEAX9ZrF_d&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=d935e73f7d268ca8fdd45a680da402f4&oe=5FBD14AA

[4bee]

https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/117899893_424145291879314_6931877128435992438_n.jp g?_nc_cat=106&ccb=2&_nc_sid=843cd7&_nc_ohc=EAsnrlpAgYEAX9ZrF_d&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=d935e73f7d268ca8fdd45a680da402f4&oe=5FBD14AA

He's Apoplectic now. I reckon he's saying something like. "Those cheating bastards at North Face Clothing have just told me they aren't going to pay me my commission for their Free advertising on SKY News."

[Eevo]

I reckon he's saying something like. "Those cheating bastards at North Face Clothing have just told me they aren't going to pay me my commission for their Free advertising on SKY News."
[biggrin]

a real life joke
getting my car to melb and back


from adel to melb: $295
from melb to adel: $745

[sashadidi]

165744

[Homestar]

[biggrin]

a real life joke
getting my car to melb and back


from adel to melb: $295
from melb to adel: $745

Get it over here for whatever is needed and I’ll drive it back to the border for you if you can get there as well. 😁👍

[4bee]

Get it over here for whatever is needed and I’ll drive it back to the border for you if you can get there as well. 😁👍

It sounds like the Olde Worlde Standover Gangsters of Olde Worlde Melbourne still like to try it on for cash.[bigrolf]

[sashadidi]

Adapt as required....
165762

[sashadidi]

165765

[Eevo]

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.

[sashadidi]

165766

[sashadidi]

165796

[Eevo]

I went to an Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners." I didn't realise at the time but apparently, it was my complimentary nan

[NavyDiver]

A group of tourists were visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake. The owner of the farm shouted: "Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 1 million dollars. The silence was deafening.
Suddenly, a man jumped into the water. He was chased by crocodiles, but with great luck he was unharmed. The owner announced: "Wow, that's never happened before. We have a winner!!!".
After receiving their reward, the man and his wife returned to the hotel room. The man tells his wife: "I did not jump in myself ... Someone pushed me !"
His wife smiled and said coldly: "It was me!"
Moral of the story: "Behind every successful man, there is always a woman to give him a little push"

[4bee]

A group of tourists were visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake. The owner of the farm shouted: "Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 1 million dollars. The silence was deafening.
Suddenly, a man jumped into the water. He was chased by crocodiles, but with great luck he was unharmed. The owner announced: "Wow, that's never happened before. We have a winner!!!".
After receiving their reward, the man and his wife returned to the hotel room. The man tells his wife: "I did not jump in myself ... Someone pushed me !"
His wife smiled and said coldly: "It was me!"
Moral of the story: "Behind every successful man, there is always a woman to give him a little push"








So very true, my one has had to give me a nudge now & then. No,[bigrolf] really.

[sashadidi]

165868

[superquag]

The new British lockdown has so distressed members of the Flat Earth Society, - that some have slipped over the edge....

And 'No', they are'nt a joke, there's FES branches all around the globe. [bigwhistle]

[pop058]

The new British lockdown has so distressed members of the Flat Earth Society, - that some have slipped over the edge....

And 'No', they are'nt a joke, there's FES branches all around the globe. [bigwhistle]

165889 [biggrin]

[4bee]

165868



I noticed he was wearing a thick overcoat & gloves while his supporters were in Tee Shirts. That either says a lot about their stamina or their mentality.

Oh & a red MAGA Cap.

[4bee]

165889 [biggrin]


They probably don't compare notes.

[Homestar]

What did Kermit say at Jim Henson’s Funeral?

- Nothing

[Homestar]

Where did Sarah go when the bomb went off?

Everywhere...

[sashadidi]

A homosexual couple have moved in down the road from me. They seem like good buggers.

[4bee]

A homosexual couple have moved in down the road from me. They seem like good buggers.


Why not give them a ring?[bigrolf]

[cripesamighty]

A couple of good uni mates are partners. They always say they are happy, you might even say gay...

[sashadidi]

Why not give them a ring?[bigrolf] I did, they invited me over for a caligula theme party and to bring a pillow and I had to wear a toga,should be fun just like boarding school.

[4bee]

I did, they invited me over for a caligula theme party and to bring a pillow and I had to wear a toga,should be fun just like boarding school.


Boarding School! You wealthy wealthy bastard! [bigrolf]


A pillow eh, that sounds a bit suss. Do they expect you to bite it now & then?[biggrin]

Thought for the day. Will you be plucking grapes from a bunch served by a Nude, nubile, scantily attired woman?



You lucky lucky bastard.:Rolling:

[sashadidi]

Boarding School! You wealthy wealthy bastard! [bigrolf]


A pillow eh, that sounds a bit suss. Do they expect you to bite it now & then?[biggrin]

Thought for the day. Will you be plucking grapes from a bunch served by a Nude, nubile, scantily attired woman?



You lucky lucky bastard.:Rolling:
It was a boys only boarding school if you get my drift...[smilebigeye] so thats why I reckon sounds a bit suss... nubile women ,not z chance ,they will just think they are women.

[sashadidi]

165934

[sashadidi]

165935

[V8Ian]

I did, they invited me over for a caligula theme party and to bring a pillow and I had to wear a toga,should be fun just like boarding school.
Now there's a bloke who could get through a wife or six!

[4bee]

It was a boys only boarding school if you get my drift...[smilebigeye] so thats why I reckon sounds a bit suss... nubile women ,not z chance ,they will just think they are women.


I have heard about those Boys Schools where the lads get their arse spanked each night at bed time by Matron.


Not sure Billy Bunter would have put up with it from Squelchy though.

[NavyDiver]

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”

[4bee]

165935


That is an Allied Fridgey joke ,right?

[sashadidi]

165984

[sashadidi]

165985

[Homestar]

You can’t please some people - my Wife asked me if she had any annoying habits, then got offended during the Power Point presentation.

[Eevo]

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and unexpectedly has a heart attack and dies.
The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.
The drunk at the end of the bar pipes up to say he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.
“Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma'am …
I have some good news, and some bad news for you”
“What’s that?”, she asks suspiciously
“The bad news is that your husband lost $5,000 to me playing poker.”
“What!”, she screamed.
“I’m going to kill him!”
The drunk replies,
“Well, that’s the good news …

[4bee]

165984



Are you sure that isn't Disco Mick's Snake catcher thing?[bigrolf]

[DiscoMick]

Snake catcher failed miserably.
I am the snake catcher now - or if it's nasty I ring the real snake catcher.

[4bee]

Snake catcher failed miserably.
I am the snake catcher now - or if it's nasty I ring the real snake catcher.

To save you the trouble, Mick, why not ask Sash to get you one of those ^^^^. Would only take one snake to set it off & that would demolish the whole area let alone the house & 'er indoors. Oh, the Deafener too. [bigsad]



Maybe scotch that idea then?[bigrolf]

[NavyDiver]

Why is trump not allowed back in the white house? Because it's for biden

Its a joke. I have zero political insight [thumbsupbig]

[sashadidi]

165991

[sashadidi]

165992

[Eevo]

Tonight my wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a bit of a run up, but I made it.

[4bee]

Why is trump not allowed back in the white house? Because it's for biden

Its a joke. I have zero political insight [thumbsupbig]

I guess you could have got by with Verboten but it's hardly quite the same.

"I have zero political insight".


Most Politicians are in the same boat so don't lose any sleep over it..[bigrolf]

[Eevo]

My wife was always bothering me to get her a dishwasher. So I did. But when the gorgeous blonde Helga arrived, The missus went nuts.

[Fifth Columnist]

My wife told me she wanted a dishwasher.
I told her we'd already got one.

[sashadidi]

The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellowman (fellow air passengers, in this case)

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10-hour flight.”


Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."

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[sashadidi]

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[Bigbjorn]

My wife was always bothering me to get her a dishwasher. So I did. But when the gorgeous blonde Helga arrived, The missus went nuts.

A wife suggested to her husband that he get one of those penis expanders.

He told her he already had one. Her name is Linda and she is 23.[bigwhistle]

[DiscoDB]

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[DiscoDB]

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[350RRC]

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That'd be in Texas. No masks on and now 'Top of the Pops' with new cases in the US.

DL

[DiscoDB]

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Of course this could just be a food poisoning warning!

[DiscoDB]

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[Homestar]

I’m giving up drinking until Christmas.

Oops, sorry - my punctuation wasn’t correct.

I’m giving up. Drinking until Christmas.

[NavyDiver]

Saw a tattoo on a lady today. I assume it was put on while on holidays 雞肉麵條湯


https://media1.giphy.com/media/FzSSjwGEmz2Ok/200.webp?cid=ecf05e47s8cqef06r3b9l23q1luikcqoo9chl oulz020asp1&rid=200.webp Yep they put Chicken Soup on their arm [biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

[spudfan]

Pat out for a walk and it started raining heavily so he took shelter in a massage parlour.
Woman "Would you like super sex?"
Pat "I'll have the soup".

[sashadidi]

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[NavyDiver]

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?







scroll down







Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.[biggrin]

[4bee]

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?







scroll down







Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.[biggrin]


If you had lived next door to my previous neighbours you wouldn't have said that, James .:wallbash:. :Rolling:

[DiscoDB]

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[Homestar]

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It's the other way around now, SA residents scrambling to leave Adelaide and borders being closed to them. Hopefully they can get on top of this quickly.

[jonesfam]

Now that I have gone bald I think I will get a picture of a Rabbit tattooed on the top of my head.







Because from a distance it will look like Hare.

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[sashadidi]

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[NavyDiver]

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands.

“What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.


“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/5d/EdgarBergenandCharlieMcCarthyStageDoorCanteen1.jpg/375px-EdgarBergenandCharlieMcCarthyStageDoorCanteen1.jpg

[NavyDiver]

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[V8Ian]

Paddy travels to Belfast to visit Australia house, expressing an interest in migration to the Colonies.

Paddy "Oock, what do I need to do to live in Australia?
Interviewer "Well Paddy, first we need to know your IQ."
Paddy "Begorough, what if it's 150?"
Interviewer "That's a good IQ Paddy, you could have your choice of job; forum owner, shed builder or truck driver."
Paddy "Geez, I've not had it tested lately, what if it was only 100?"
Interviewer "That's still a good IQ Paddy, you could be any sort of tradie health worker or middle manager."
Paddy "Hmmm, what if it's only 50?"
Interviewer "Oh Paddy, that's not a very good IQ, but we might be able to squeeze you in as an IT specialist or street sweeper."
Paddy "Ahh, what if it is just 10?"
Interviewer "Only 10 Paddy, 10? If your IQ was only ten, you wouldn't be able to tie your shoes!"
Paddy "So is that why all Australians wear thongs?"

Apologies to Spudfan for the accent, even though you're from the South. [wink11]

[pop058]

Paddy travels to Belfast to visit Australia house, expressing an interest in migration to the Colonies.

Paddy "Oock, what do I need to do to live in Australia?
Interviewer "Well Paddy, first we need to know your IQ."
Paddy "Begorough, what if it's 150?"
Interviewer "That's a good IQ Paddy, you could have your choice of job; forum owner, shed builder or truck driver."
Paddy "Geez, I've not had it tested lately, what if it was only 100?"
Interviewer "That's still a good IQ Paddy, you could be any sort of tradie health worker or middle manager."
Paddy "Hmmm, what if it's only 50?"
Interviewer "Oh Paddy, that's not a very good IQ, but we might be able to squeeze you in as an IT specialist or street sweeper."
Paddy "Ahh, what if it is just 10?"
Interviewer "Only 10 Paddy, 10? If your IQ was only ten, you wouldn't be able to tie your shoes!"
Paddy "So is that why all Australians wear thongs?"

Apologies to Spudfan for the accent, even though you're from the South. [wink11]

That was subtle. [bigwhistle]

[pop058]

The SA cops just found that pizza guy dead, apparently he was covered in tomato, salami, pineapple, and ham.

They reckon he topped himself [biggrin]


borrowed from bookface

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[Hogarthde]

Pop058,....subtle is it? the way V8Ian just happened to have truck drivers in the high IQ?

and forum owners....QUEENSLANDERS!

dave

[Saitch]

I bought a cold carton of beer yesterday and on the way home, stopped at a servo for diesel.
There was a gorgeous redhead at the same bowser, filling her car. It was a stinking day and while at the pump, I thought that I should have put the beers in the car fridge straight away. So, after fuelling up and paying, I moved the vehicle to a parking area and proceeded to place the beers in the Engel.

Just then, the redhead walked out of the servo, saw the cold beers, came over and said, in an amazingly sexy voice " I'm a great believer in barter so, would you be interested in trading sex for beer?'

I thought for a second or two and then asked ' What kind of beer do you have?'

[V8Ian]

I bought a cold carton of beer yesterday and on the way home, stopped at a servo for diesel.
There was a gorgeous redhead at the same bowser, filling her car. It was a stinking day and while at the pump, I thought that I should have put the beers in the car fridge straight away. So, after fuelling up and paying, I moved the vehicle to a parking area and proceeded to place the beers in the Engel.

Just then, the redhead walked out of the servo, saw the cold beers, came over and said, in an amazingly sexy voice " I'm a great believer in barter so, would you be interested in trading sex for beer?'

I thought for a second or two and then asked ' What kind of beer do you have?'
What did you end up with, Brisbane Bitter? [biggrin]

[Saitch]

Nah, ended up giving her a 'Stubbie'!

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[DeeJay]

Small dog free to good home .. great guard dog as barks constantly.. inbox me if interested...I will climb over neighbours fence and get it for you

[DeeJay]

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[Eevo]

I got a book today titled "A guide to surgical procedures".
I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

[Eevo]

I heard carnival workers are going on strike. They’re looking for fair wages

[bob10]

From the Friday 5.

Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years unless you give them your email address.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 1960s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

[gromit]

A joke by Spike Milligan.

“You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States. ”


Colin

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[V8Ian]

166570
Land of the Giants - Wikipedia (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Land_of_the_Giants)

[4bee]

166570

JEEZUS! Cop the size of the Shockers!


The bloke would probably be protected if his Axle Stand/ aka 'arf a 44 gallon drum collapsed. Possibly.

[Saitch]

166570

I always wondered what powered them! A Human Hampster, ay!

[V8Ian]

JEEZUS! Cop the size of the Shockers!


The bloke would probably be protected if his Axle Stand/ aka 'arf a 44 gallon drum collapsed. Possibly.
That's not a 'arf a 44, its a cylinder liner, probably out of a Phase 1 Vanguard.

[donh54]

That's not a 'arf a 44, its a cylinder liner, probably out of a Phase 1 Vanguard.I was going to say, it's a bloody big 44!

PS. I had a phase 3 Vanguard. By memory it was 2.4 litres of neck-snapping power!

[V8Ian]

Rose coloured hindsight, Don? IIRC, only 2.1 litre.

[Old Farang]

Rose coloured hindsight, Don? IIRC, only 2.1 litre.

Yes, 2.1 litre. The same engine as the Ferguson TE 20 tractor.

The local publican where I grew up used to complain to my father, as he had a V8 Ford Mainline, the old bloke used to say:

"You bloody rich cocky's driving V8's, while I have to drive a guards van with a tractor engine in it"!

[4bee]

That's not a 'arf a 44, its a cylinder liner, probably out of a Phase 1 Vanguard.

So it is safe then? Yeah roight. [bighmmm] I thought it looked a tad thicker but wouldn't have given it a thought it was a cylinder liner.


Can't win 'em all I suppose.

[Old Farang]

That's not a 'arf a 44, its a cylinder liner, probably out of a Phase 1 Vanguard.

Maybe one of these:

217-8366 RIM GP-DEMOUNTABLE -SPARE (componentsonly.com) (https://www.componentsonly.com/components/details/Hastings+Deering+%28Australia%29+Limited/New+Caterpillar+217-8366+Rim/MTAwMDAwNzYw/)

Caterpillar 797
From the Archive: Priced at $3.4 million and powered by two V-12s lashed together, the 797 produces 3400 horsepower and can haul up to 400 tons.

Caterpillar 797 (caranddriver.com) (https://www.caranddriver.com/reviews/a15140071/caterpillar-797-specialty-file/)

[V8Ian]

Now ,now, OF, don't let truth or logic get in the way of a good yarn. :no2:

[Old Farang]

Now ,now, OF, don't let truth or logic get in the way of a good yarn. :no2:

Sorry; I was just a bit concerned about 4Bee having nightmares about the truck falling down! [bigsmile]

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[V8Ian]

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:Rolling::Rolling::clap2:

[pop058]

166584

Looks more like a Silverado arse end than an F truck.[wink11]

[bob10]

The missus isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how...


I didn't even know it was her birthday!


After too many beers, my mate asked if he could crash out on my sofa. I had to


explain to him that I'm married now, so that's where I sleep.


The missus said she's leaving me because I invade her privacy too often. At
least that's what it says in her diary.


As me and the missus headed off on a romantic holiday, we talked about what
kinky things we'd like to do to each other. She said, "I've always wanted to be


handcuffed." So I planted a kilo of cocaine in her suitcase.


Woman to husband: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight!” Husband: "Okay,


but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."


My mate is thinking about asking his ex-missus to re-marry him, but he's


worried she’ll think he is just after her for his money.

[V8Ian]

Looks more like a Silverado arse end than an F truck.[wink11]
Be more use on a Silverado or GMC, too. [bigwhistle]

[rick130]

.https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20201205/040d4a08c4438aabc4e3984906b42e99.jpg

[4bee]

.https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20201205/040d4a08c4438aabc4e3984906b42e99.jpg

[bigrolf]
He was a very courageous bloke & had balls of steel. At the supermarket I hit people with my WW Plastic bag as well but it doesn't make them disappear, just ****ed off.

[rick130]

.https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20201205/a0a086829ac74caab29e8162dddfbbd9.jpg

[3toes]

166591

Perhaps not the best place to grab a garden fresh salad

The Alnwick Garden Poison Garden - The Alnwick Garden (https://www.alnwickgarden.com/the-garden/poison-garden/)

[ChookD2]

Perhaps not the best place to grab a garden fresh salad

The Alnwick Garden Poison Garden - The Alnwick Garden (https://www.alnwickgarden.com/the-garden/poison-garden/)

That would depend on who you wanted to feed it to.

Or is that "whom you wanted to feed it to" or maybe "to whom you wanted to feed it" or is it "to who it was to be fed".

RON!!!!! HELP!!!!!

[spudfan]

I ran my fingers through the wife's hair last night......I was cleaning out the drain in the shower.

[Hogarthde]

So you are still married Spud ?

After some of your jokes a few months ago ,I feared for your health

Dave

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[4bee]

That would depend on who you wanted to feed it to.

Or is that "whom you wanted to feed it to" or maybe "to whom you wanted to feed it" or is it "to who it was to be fed".

RON!!!!! HELP!!!!!


Forget the semantics it should be, "who you wanna kill stone dead?"[bigrolf]

[DeeJay]

I was reading a magazine in the dentist waiting room today and I was surprised to find out Ford have stopped production of the Cortina and are launching the Meteor.

[V8Ian]

I was reading a magazine in the dentist waiting room today and I was surprised to find out Ford have stopped production of the Cortina and are launching the Meteor.


Your dentist must be very slow!

[Hogarthde]

I also was at the dentist recently, and reading some magazines; wasn’t that a terrible thing to happen to ‘Titanic’

[sashadidi]

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[V8Ian]

166669
Reeva Steenkamp would have appreciated that.

[Hogarthde]

Well I heard poor ol Oscar wanted to shift the door ,but she was dead against it.

[V8Ian]

I heard the status of toilets in SA was indicted with "VACANT" or "DON'T SHOOT".

[4bee]

166671


Jeeezuz! That could be a dead ringer for one I built & it looked exactly like that when it was completed let alone wind blown.
[bigrolf]

[4bee]

166669 [bigrolf] Freakin' Architects have no idea or maybe they do after all.

[DeeJay]

166691

[4bee]

Reeva Steenkamp would have appreciated that.


Yeah it would have made it much easier for him to get a bead on her but if the images were cactus he would have shot himself.[bigrolf].[bigsad]

[superquag]

I also was at the dentist recently, and reading some magazines; wasn’t that a terrible thing to happen to ‘Titanic’

What a co-incidence, I was at the Dentist last week, and a page fell out of my magazine... shattered when it hit the ground - and breaking my toe...[bigwhistle][bigsad][bighmmm][bighmmm][bighmmm]

[Hogarthde]

What a co-incidence, I was at the Dentist last week, and a page fell out of my magazine... shattered when it hit the ground - and breaking my toe...[bigwhistle][bigsad][bighmmm][bighmmm][bighmmm]

Perhaps you were reading the Ten Commandments....apparently the material used was quite solid stuff

[sashadidi]

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[4bee]

What a co-incidence, I was at the Dentist last week, and a page fell out of my magazine... shattered when it hit the ground - and breaking my toe...[bigwhistle][bigsad][bighmmm][bighmmm][bighmmm]


Beats a 9mm Magazine falling from your page, James.[bigrolf]

[gofish]

In keeping with the Christamas spirit :

Live Leak Merry Christmas - YouTube (https://youtu.be/VLfshJAi3SU) [bigwhistle]

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[Bigbjorn]

166750

Above the bottle opener.

[350RRC]

Above the bottle opener.

The Australian Army knife?

[4bee]

166751

That dude looks like the Marlborough Man except he is older & died a few years ago from Guess what?


Yep, too many Ciggies. How ironic is that?

[4bee]

In keeping with the Christamas spirit :

Live Leak Merry Christmas - YouTube (https://youtu.be/VLfshJAi3SU) [bigwhistle]


I thought he'd find them all on one of those sideshow conveyor belt thingies.
Like Ducks.

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[3toes]

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Is it not that you are in the Valley of the shadow of death rather than a tropical paradise because you trusted google maps when the signs said to go the other way

[OldGuy]

Is it not that you are in the Valley of the shadow of death rather than a tropical paradise because you trusted google maps when the signs said to go the other way

Sounds like a fair call to me.......

[cripesamighty]

Kind of like this...

Michael Drives Into A Lake - The Office US - YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOW_kPzY_JY)

[Old Farang]

As most of you probably know, the Can Bus used on modern Land Rovers and most other cars was designed by Robert Bosch GmbH in Germany.
Wanting to know more about this system I sent them an email asking for information. They did reply:


"Achtung!
Alle touristen und non-technischen lookenpeepers! Das machine is nicht fur fingerpoken und mittengrabben. Is easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit spitzen sparken. Das machine is diggen by experten only. Is nicht fur gerwerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen das cottenpicken hands in das pockets. Relaxen und watchen das blinkenlights."

[sashadidi]

166789duplicate attachment...

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[V8Ian]

Saw the worst mind-reader ever last night.....

Mind-reader: "Think of a card, any card"

Me: "Ok"

Mind-reader: "Visualize it in your mind"

Me "Ok"

Mind-reader: "Is it the Nine of Clubs?"

Me: "No"

Mind-reader: "Is it the Ace of Spades?"

Me: "No"

Mind-reader: "The Queen of Diamonds?"

Me: "No"

Mind-reader: "Well what is it then?"

Me: "Happy Birthday"

[sashadidi]

166829

[windsock]

166829

This would make a great e-card for chistmas emails... [biggrin]

[NavyDiver]

What do you call someone who steals your coffee
https://media3.s-nbcnews.com/j/newscms/2019_33/2203981/171026-better-coffee-boost-se-329p_67dfb6820f7d3898b5486975903c2e51.fit-2000w.jpg

A Mug (ger) of course [thumbsupbig]

[sashadidi]

166859u

[Eevo]

I'm posting this with a heavy heart....
As much as I love riding and everything that comes with it...it is taking up too much of my time. I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics of cleaning and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I will be getting rid of my collection.
Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only, and please don't insult me with low offers.
Thanks for reading and understanding...
1. Dustpan and broom
2. Sponges
3. Toilet spray
4. Mop and bucket
5. Window cleaner
6. Vacuum
7. Dishwashing liquid
8. Laundry detergent
9. Fabric softener
10. Laundry baskets
11. Toilet brush
12. Cleaning sprays

[350RRC]

I'm posting this with a heavy heart....
As much as I love riding and everything that comes with it...it is taking up too much of my time. I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics of cleaning and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I will be getting rid of my collection.
Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only, and please don't insult me with low offers.
Thanks for reading and understanding...
1. Dustpan and broom
2. Sponges
3. Toilet spray
4. Mop and bucket
5. Window cleaner
6. Vacuum
7. Dishwashing liquid
8. Laundry detergent
9. Fabric softener
10. Laundry baskets
11. Toilet brush
12. Cleaning sprays

Looking at that list you must do dressage................ never would have picked it. [thumbsupbig]

DL

[rick130]

Looking at that list you must do dressage................ never would have picked it. [thumbsupbig]

DLNaa, a Hackie [emoji6][emoji23]

[bob10]

A man goes to the optometrist for an eye checkup.
The optometrist says ‘shut your eyes and tell me what you see’
The man says ‘I see the MCG empty, I see planes parked in rows at Darwin airport, I see Sydney Harbour bridge with no traffic…’
‘Great’ says the optometrist ‘you have 2020 vision

[sashadidi]

166938

[rick130]

166938[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

[V8Ian]

[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]
I don't get it. [bigwhistle]

[Hogarthde]

I don't get it. [bigwhistle]

Uhmmmm, you are supposed to “give it” , Ian my son.

[pop058]

I don't get it. [bigwhistle]

Sure 😜

[RANDLOVER]

Q. Why are dogs no good at ballroom dancing?
A. They have two left feet.

[sashadidi]

166943

[sashadidi]

166945

[sashadidi]

166950

[350RRC]

166943

What could possibly go wrong? [biggrin]

[4bee]

What do you call someone who steals your coffee
https://media3.s-nbcnews.com/j/newscms/2019_33/2203981/171026-better-coffee-boost-se-329p_67dfb6820f7d3898b5486975903c2e51.fit-2000w.jpg

A Mug (ger) of course [thumbsupbig]

A corpse in waiting?[bigrolf]

[4bee]

What could possibly go wrong? [biggrin]

I can't see his Nestle Coffee machine under all that clobber, can you?

[350RRC]

I can't see his Nestle Coffee machine under all that clobber, can you?

Must be hidden behind the batting box.

[Chenz]

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm."
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission
before I can go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it Doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my
putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and
I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."
"That’s unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you
having any side effects?"
"Well, just two”, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection, I also get a
headache.”

[Chenz]

On her first day at the senior aging complex the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older lady named Annie stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

[jx2mad]

Which has the most legs, a dog, or no dog? Answer coming later to give you time to think

[rick130]

[emoji16]https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20201222/598679b7cb4bf8a97996180cded479c1.jpg

[jx2mad]

OK.I will give you the answer... No dog. Why?
..
.
.
.
.
.
.Because...No dog has six legs and a dog has four.

[350RRC]

[emoji16]https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20201222/598679b7cb4bf8a97996180cded479c1.jpg

That lower pic is the exercise for ulnar nerve pain as used by cello players. Works in less than a minute.

A bit simpler and cheaper than what US surgeons do to find where it's caught............ look in your neck, shoulder, elbow, forearm, wrist.........

DL

[rick130]

That lower pic is the exercise for ulnar nerve pain as used by cello players. Works in less than a minute.

A bit simpler and cheaper than what US surgeons do to find where it's caught............ look in your neck, shoulder, elbow, forearm, wrist.........

DLSweet.
That's one to research further and file away for future use.
Cheers.

[Saitch]

Sweet.
That's one to research further and file away for future use.
Cheers.

Umm, cello players, Rick. Cello! Not chiller![bighmmm]

[4bee]

Umm, cello players, Rick. Cello! Not chiller![bighmmm]


[bigrolf]

[rick130]

Umm, cello players, Rick. Cello! Not chiller![bighmmm]Ooh....

[emoji23]


Yoga teacher Rick is filing it away for further research though [emoji6][emoji16]

[sashadidi]

167013

[sashadidi]

167014

[4bee]

167013

Uncle Andrew indeed what a Loser!

[jillr]

OK.I will give you the answer... No dog. Why?
..
.
.
.
.
.
.Because...No dog has six legs and a dog has four.

But Google knows better:

Extraordinary puppy born with six legs finds loving new home | Metro News (https://metro.co.uk/2019/08/08/extraordinary-puppy-born-with-six-legs-finds-loving-new-home-10539933/)

:)
Jill (who saw a 6 legged calf in Slovakia once)

[DiscoDB]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20201224/97f373f6797c34f0d98b681f5b6c311b.jpg

[DiscoDB]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20201224/69453d16e6277ff08a1cbe002bfb4e99.jpg

[DiscoDB]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20201224/e0fbf5aa036a7110241ba101f2bf8f92.jpg

[Gav 110]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20201224/e0fbf5aa036a7110241ba101f2bf8f92.jpg

Last years Christmas tree???

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20201225/008524b74fd3dec647a9ab9c3c9ecf16.jpg

[Eevo]

The wife and kids said they’re leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing
They’re at the gate now
And they’re off

[RANDLOVER]

Now for a joke that I've modified for Xmas....

A postie is on his last day of rounds before Xmas, when he knocks on one of the door's to wish the occupant's Merry Xmas, the young lady takes him upstairs and thanks him intimately, then sits him down at the kitchen table and starts making him lunch. While waiting he looks under the plate she has laid out and finds a dollar coin, so he asks "What is the dollar for?" and she replies "Oh that was my husband's idea, my idea was making you lunch, but when I asked him what we should get you for Xmas he said 'Screw him, give him a dollar'"

If telling this joke at other times of year, the postie is on his last day before retirement.