Jokes

[sashadidi]

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[sashadidi]

167082

[spudfan]

Patient "Doctor, I think I am going deaf".
Doctor "What are your symptoms?".
Patient "It is a programme on the television".
(Apologies if this has been posted previously.)

[4bee]

Patient "Doctor, I think I am going deaf".
Doctor "What are your symptoms?".
Patient "It is a programme on the television".
(Apologies if this has been posted previously.)


Eeerrr Nope. Spud I usually get your jokes immediately, but this one, nope. Maybe I imbibed a bit too much last night. Sorry.

[V8Ian]

The imbibment, Des. :Thump: Try again later. [wink11]

[4bee]

The imbibment, Des. :Thump: Try again later. [wink11]

1336hrs. Nope still nowt. Maybe if I have a few more drinks?[bigrolf]

[Hogarthde]

I’ll help the poor old Croweater: “ the Simpsons” [biggrin]

[DeeJay]

I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could come in and have a look around.
They said no and slammed the door.
Parents can be so cruel.

[4bee]

I’ll help the poor old Croweater: “ the Simpsons” [biggrin]


Bloody hell is that it? Well I'll be ****ed. That is very un-spud like & certainly not up to his usual standard at all. May be a tad too much Guinness yesterday.

Probably got it from a failed Xmas Cracker which had been thrown in the bin or grabbed it off his little nephew. Dave it was so **** weak I'm surprised even you got it.:Rolling::rolleyes:


Keep up the good work, Spud.

[bob10]

LIFE (http://news.thenewdaily.com.au/c/13v96TyXY2r5mFa1q9bOdIiTzA)
View all (http://news.thenewdaily.com.au/c/13v96TyXY2r5mFa1q9bOdIiTzA)














https://ci4.googleusercontent.com/proxy/1QjZ_GZGw8gD2SCaKOCglIqkVdjdCZjFddKc8i_T4A7vwSq0lS 8CkiFiiHF85O85-EYxlUmvkL9-Udn9TMOc96DBxzHfUEwDdU3IYCluLRxymlkDkCtzKf8T2yOpvl IcJTNAy0_OT_InUejs=s0-d-e1-ft#https://cdn.thenewdaily.com.au/wp-content/themes/tnd-theme/dist/images/bylines/a5153c.png





HUMOUR








https://ci3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/Oef57p3FhK5BKKCOrwMWdK7BIzOo7qISFYwj_MY5tVt1qQsgm1 cvklPbNRhFdj89TCE9rLJB9AZEWQQ9CO26fWWWiAniruHcr6xV WBv7iQ5o3w1_5LN9s-DScdgSrjTcpO7O0bmbb6B_M4UXqL-y=s0-d-e1-ft#https://cdn.thenewdaily.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/1609382168-back-to-future-meme.jpg (http://news.thenewdaily.com.au/c/13vd8Cw8ukZSPcBs4vF4aazdUF)

[bob10]

https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p526x296/73208178_144978537187144_7487693364976186747_o.jpg ?_nc_cat=102&ccb=2&_nc_sid=2d5d41&_nc_ohc=QToiMLMr2oAAX-0bixr&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&tp=6&oh=3a443e67d4a26084012f6288f0abcfe9&oe=60136A6C (https://www.facebook.com/laughlanding/photos/a.109012874117044/144978533853811/'type=3)
“Not yet! Get back in!”

[4bee]

https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p526x296/73208178_144978537187144_7487693364976186747_o.jpg ?_nc_cat=102&ccb=2&_nc_sid=2d5d41&_nc_ohc=QToiMLMr2oAAX-0bixr&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&tp=6&oh=3a443e67d4a26084012f6288f0abcfe9&oe=60136A6C (https://www.facebook.com/laughlanding/photos/a.109012874117044/144978533853811/'type=3)
“Not yet! Get back in!”



Recently, before his fate was sealed,, there was a similar cartoon of Trump peering out from between the Venetian Blinds "Have they finished counting yet?"

[bob10]

https://ci5.googleusercontent.com/proxy/93UabDfcCG4AF02_B3k6oHP5jYB_Nm0os9eMbF6D9B2GshXPkH EbwL63GqC7HOdp_6fKD7ogIbI_MSJWCc62MwMKrYSBod1hFl7A l6DeQrgZ6pSoWYJDqypTwiLZ6SqxmCrn=s0-d-e1-ft#https://media.newyorker.com/photos/5fe20456028fc384ade82217/1:1/w_800/A25026.jpg (https://link.newyorker.com/click/22475596.694304/aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubmV3eW9ya2VyLmNvbS9jYXJ0b29ucy9kYW lseS1jYXJ0b29uL2ZyaWRheS1qYW51YXJ5LTFzdC1uZXctaWRl bnRpdHk_dXRtX3NvdXJjZT1ubCZ1dG1fYnJhbmQ9dG55JnV0bV 9tYWlsaW5nPVROWV9IdW1vcl8wMTAxMjEmdXRtX2NhbXBhaWdu PWF1ZC1kZXYmdXRtX21lZGl1bT1lbWFpbCZieGlkPTVjYzllMj ZlM2Y5MmE0NzdhMGVhMDY5MyZjbmRpZD01MjQ3NTAwMyZoYXNo YT0zOGI2NTNmNTlkOGE3ODhkMmI4MDI5ZDM0OWZiMDVmMSZoYX NoYj1hY2Q0NzI1ZDY3MGQxNzJhYTlkMDVjZTdmNjcxZGM2MzI1 MGVmY2UxJmhhc2hjPWMxNzM2NWFiMDc1NzJlZDkwNjE0ZDI0NW FkYTVhZDY3NWY2YmMwMDE4OWZhNzY2MTIzYzcwZDc2ZDFkN2Nk ZGYmZXNyYz1ib3VuY2VY/5cc9e26e3f92a477a0ea0693B92baba85)


“We’ve set up a new identity for you as Phil Cullen, an accountant in Cleveland. Get this on quick, you’ve made a lot of enemies.” (https://link.newyorker.com/click/22475596.694304/aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cubmV3eW9ya2VyLmNvbS9jYXJ0b29ucy9kYW lseS1jYXJ0b29uL2ZyaWRheS1qYW51YXJ5LTFzdC1uZXctaWRl bnRpdHk_dXRtX3NvdXJjZT1ubCZ1dG1fYnJhbmQ9dG55JnV0bV 9tYWlsaW5nPVROWV9IdW1vcl8wMTAxMjEmdXRtX2NhbXBhaWdu PWF1ZC1kZXYmdXRtX21lZGl1bT1lbWFpbCZieGlkPTVjYzllMj ZlM2Y5MmE0NzdhMGVhMDY5MyZjbmRpZD01MjQ3NTAwMyZoYXNo YT0zOGI2NTNmNTlkOGE3ODhkMmI4MDI5ZDM0OWZiMDVmMSZoYX NoYj1hY2Q0NzI1ZDY3MGQxNzJhYTlkMDVjZTdmNjcxZGM2MzI1 MGVmY2UxJmhhc2hjPWMxNzM2NWFiMDc1NzJlZDkwNjE0ZDI0NW FkYTVhZDY3NWY2YmMwMDE4OWZhNzY2MTIzYzcwZDc2ZDFkN2Nk ZGYmZXNyYz1ib3VuY2VY/5cc9e26e3f92a477a0ea0693C92baba85)

[bob10]

https://ci3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/lIrD4CjuvpWXcBbDtgBIDL8xQBW9J22fZIUTgOtgtB4uyHDyYh Mf8u5puv4d9f0DON-sI-vNO4cwF-6t-y12toYS27xzK-x4sL_jzgCP1nbGn5sCpQFzpgIm8q5UMDuyEF6tcZCxALt631gf K4d5FOliBO3xdY3EgiwEs0w=s0-d-e1-ft#https://images.fineartamerica.com/images/artworkimages/mediumlarge/2/you-must-be-this-tall-harry-bliss.jpg

[sashadidi]

167345

[Xtreme]

My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 Kgs. Only have 14 to go.

[Xtreme]

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forget where I was going with this.

[Xtreme]

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.

[jx2mad]

I have just received an early birthday present. A letter from RMS telling me I need an eye test and a medical to keep driving. Does that mean I am officially OLD?

[jx2mad]

I have just made a profound discovery.


All of life is work experience

[Xtreme]

I have just received an early birthday present. A letter from RMS telling me I need an eye test and a medical to keep driving. Does that mean I am officially OLD?

Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

[superquag]

Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Arthur Schopenhauer (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy) (https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/schopenhauer/)

Introduction to Schopenhauer: Schopenhauer's Ethics - YouTube (https://youtu.be/ypOtX1kEo8U't=212)

There are dozens of Youtube videos about him !

[sashadidi]

167425

[sashadidi]

167428

[Eevo]

i went to coles and they had a special on. he was collecting the trolleys

[Saitch]

i went to coles and they had a special on. he was collecting the trolleys

167464

Personally, I'm leaning to the latter!

[Eevo]

167464

Personally, I'm leaning to the latter!


your signature is appropriate for this :)

[Saitch]

your signature is appropriate for this :)

I can honestly say that I can't remember ever being really and truly offended.

It would seem that I'm more 'Offender' than 'Offendee', according to close sources.

[V8Ian]

I can honestly say that I can't remember ever being really and truly offended.

It would seem that I'm more 'Offender' than 'Offendee', according to close sources.
I'd have to agree with you, after expending considerable effort, I'm yet to succeed. [wink11]

[V8Ian]

I heard this rather sad story today,

An old gentleman suffering from depression decided to end it all so he went out into the garage, shut the door and started the car
a neighbour found him 3 days later, the gentleman was fine but the Tesla had a flat battery

[Old Farang]

[bawl][bawl][bawl]

[4bee]

I heard this rather sad story today,

An old gentleman suffering from depression decided to end it all so he went out into the garage, shut the door and started the car
a neighbour found him 3 days later, the gentleman was fine but the Tesla had a flat battery


I dunno, nothing is reliable in this modern world we live in. A battery that doesn't last for 3 days is appalling quality.[bigrolf]



I'd have to agree with you, after expending considerable effort, I'm yet to succeed. [wink11]


I don't believe you can be trying hard enough. 'er indoors could give you a few tips.[bigrolf]

[Gav 110]

I heard this rather sad story today,

An old gentleman suffering from depression decided to end it all so he went out into the garage, shut the door and started the car
a neighbour found him 3 days later, the gentleman was fine but the Tesla had a flat battery

Another downside to electric vehicles
[emoji23][emoji23]

[Old Farang]

Anybody remember those round "Gobstoppers" lollies we had as kids:

Little Johnny was sucking on one in class one day when it popped out of his mouth and rolled across the floor.

His teacher was having none of this: "Who's got black balls", she called out indignantly.

Not one to hesitate, Billy straight away piped up:

Nat King Cole - When You're Smiling - Bing video (https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=when+you+are+smiling+you+tube&ru=%2fsearch%3fq%3dwhen%2byou%2bare%2bsmiling%2byo u%2btube%26form%3dANNTH1%26refig%3d5adac421a170489 e9621e0d0a57d2567%26sp%3d2%26ghc%3d1%26qs%3dBT%26p q%3dwhen%2byou%2527re%2bsmiling%2byou%2btube%26sk% 3dBT1%26sc%3d3-28%26cvid%3d5adac421a170489e9621e0d0a57d2567&view=detail&mid=86F86B3571C19D2EADBF86F86B3571C19D2EADBF&rvsmid=32DE778556757D102DA432DE778556757D102DA4&FORM=VDRVRV)

[4bee]

Another downside to electric vehicles
[emoji23][emoji23]

I reckon, & not enough to electroplate one self either.

[RANDLOVER]

During the recent Washington Capitol insurrection a security guard came running in to the chamber and said "I've come to warn you that the Trump supporters are revolting" and VP Pence answered "Yes, and they are not happy about the election results either".

[4bee]

During the recent Washington Capitol insurrection a security guard came running in to the chamber and said "I've come to warn you that the Trump supporters are revolting" and VP Pence answered "Yes, and they are not happy about the election results either".

Reminds me they used to say that about University Students, in their case it was probably true.[bigrolf]

[RANDLOVER]

Reminds me they used to say that about University Students, in their case it was probably true.[bigrolf]
Hey, I went to Uni, on a day trip it was lovely. [bigrolf]

[4bee]

Hey, I went to Uni, on a day trip it was lovely. [bigrolf]

So did my now Lawyer Grandaughter.

No Freebees here Grand Pop.[bigrolf]

[RANDLOVER]

So did my now Lawyer Grandaughter.

No Freebees here Grand Pop.[bigrolf]

I think "no freebies" is the 1st Rule of Lawyering.

[superquag]

I dunno, nothing is reliable in this modern world we live in. A battery that doesn't last for 3 days is appalling quality.[bigrolf]





I don't believe you can be trying hard enough. 'er indoors could give you a few tips.[bigrolf]


Tesla no longer breaks into garages to put your car on charge when it's run dangerously low... Even 'Service' has gone.... Flat. [bigwhistle]

[4bee]

Tesla no longer breaks into garages to put your car on charge when it's run dangerously low... Even 'Service' has gone.... Flat. [bigwhistle]


That was excellent service. Now if only the Oil companies would do the same, think of the street cred they would have.[bigrolf]

[4bee]

I think "no freebies" is the 1st Rule of Lawyering.


I think you might be right Rand.[bigsad]

[Eevo]

Did I put a chiropractor joke on here about a week back?

[Homestar]

Marriage Counselor - Your Wife says you don’t buy her flowers any more?
Husband - To be honest I didn’t even know she sold flowers.

[superquag]

Did I put a chiropractor joke on here about a week back?

I looked diligently, but nothing clicked...[bigwhistle]

- I'll you want, I'll stretch back another week.

[Eevo]

I looked diligently, but nothing clicked...[bigwhistle]

- I'll you want, I'll stretch back another week.

hurry up and get cracking

[4bee]

I looked diligently, but nothing clicked...[bigwhistle]

- I'll you want, I'll stretch back another week.




OOOOOOOOhhhhhhhnnnnnnooooo droll is making a come BACK. J2[bigrolf]


I

[Dorian]

Did I put a chiropractor joke on here about a week back?
That is so bad

I hope you understand if your posting Dad jokes and your not a father, you are committing the gravest faux pa

[sashadidi]

167644

[sashadidi]

167645

[rick130]

Dave was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Dave decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Dave. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Dave soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Dave. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Dave thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Dave. Although he survived, it took several months before Dave fully recovered.
Now Dave was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Dave, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?

[Hogarthde]

Where did you say this happens?

dave

[350RRC]

That is so bad

I hope you understand if your posting Dad jokes and your not a father, you are committing the gravest faux pa

Is 'faux pa' French for fake father?

[sashadidi]

167718

[sashadidi]

167719

[DiscoDB]

167719

Missing what LR designed - the version where you have to remove the tree to change the tyre......

[Homestar]

1938 - France Held the World Cup
1939 - Severe Bushfires in Australia
1940 - Cancellation of Tokyo Olympics
1941 - Attack on Pearl Harbour

2018 - France Held the World Cup
2019 - Severe Bushfires in Australia
2020 - Cancellation of Tokyo Olympics
2021 -

[4bee]

1938 - France Held the World Cup
1939 - Severe Bushfires in Australia
1940 - Cancellation of Tokyo Olympics
1941 - Attack on Pearl Harbour

2018 - France Held the World Cup
2019 - Severe Bushfires in Australia
2020 - Cancellation of Tokyo Olympics
2021 -


CRIPES! Hold breath[bigsad].

[Homestar]

Worker - "We need to stop testing our products on Animals Boss"
Boss - "Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time."
Worker - "Yeah, but we make hydraulic presses"

[DieselDan]

We're safe from the apocalypse then - France didn't host the 2018 world cup [emoji12]

[Homestar]

We're safe from the apocalypse then - France didn't host the 2018 world cup [emoji12]

Was almost going to fact check it before I posted but it gave me a laugh. Maybe it was a different world cup in France? [biggrin]

[Homestar]

Ok, after a bit or research it appears France WON the world cup in 2018 - doesn't make the joke quite as good but have edited it for accuracies sake. [thumbsupbig]


1938 - France Held the World Cup
1939 - Severe Bushfires in Australia
1940 - Cancellation of Tokyo Olympics
1941 - Attack on Pearl Harbour

2018 - France [B]won the World Cup
2019 - Severe Bushfires in Australia
2020 - Cancellation of Tokyo Olympics
2021 -

[DieselDan]

Yeah, sorry for being a party pooper [emoji1787]

[Tins]

I think "no freebies" is the 1st Rule of Lawyering.

It's called 'billable seconds'.

[Eevo]

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'

[V8Ian]

1938 - France Held the World Cup
1939 - Severe Bushfires in Australia
1940 - Cancellation of Tokyo Olympics
1941 - Attack on Pearl Harbour

2018 - France Held the World Cup
2019 - Severe Bushfires in Australia
2020 - Cancellation of Tokyo Olympics
2021 -
Moral, don't go to Pearl Harbor this year.

[67hardtop]

Mad Max was based in 2021. Better start hoarding the gasoline
Ok edit....Mad Max Fury Road, to satisfy the rivet counters and spelling checkers[emoji1787][emoji1787][emoji1787][emoji1787]

[Gav 110]

Mad Max was based in 2021. Better start hoarding the gasoline

No joke
This is serious [emoji12]

[RANDLOVER]

Ok, after a bit or research it appears France WON the world cup in 2018 - doesn't make the joke quite as good but have edited it for accuracies sake. [biggrin][thumbsupbig]

I still think that joke/prophesy is correct, as they would've held the cup when the won it, and lifted it up in victory and while drinking champagne out of it, etc.

[superquag]

No joke
This is serious [emoji12]

Rrongg... A Fact Chekker sez so.....

'Mad Max is Set in 2021' - Truth or Fiction? (https://www.truthorfiction.com/mad-max-is-set-in-2021/)

[biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

[4bee]

Rrongg... A Fact Chekker sez so.....

'Mad Max is Set in 2021' - Truth or Fiction? (https://www.truthorfiction.com/mad-max-is-set-in-2021/)

[biggrin][biggrin][biggrin][biggrin]

Looks like you should have a Spelling Checker as well, J2.[bigrolf]

[67hardtop]

Music was coming from my printer, apparently the paper was jamming

[4bee]

Music was coming from my printer, apparently the paper was jamming

I think we had better ask Inc to add another section titled DROLL STUFF.[bigrolf]

[RANDLOVER]

Music that sounded like it was being played backwards was heard coming from Mozart's grave, apparently he was decomposing.

[superquag]

Music that sounded like it was being played backwards was heard coming from Mozart's grave, apparently he was decomposing.

Not even worthy of a DAD joke....[bigsad]

[sashadidi]

Road worker stands, looks intently at the ground, then swings his shovel in a wide arch. Again! Again! Again! Slices and smashes a hapless large snail.

Foreman: "Hey! What'ya do that for?!?"

Road worker: "I didn't trust the look of him ... and he's been following me around all day."

[spudfan]

Should not take much to furnish....

[ChookD2]

Should not take much to furnish....


https://www.theprofessionalcreative.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/thats-gold.png

[Fifth Columnist]

I got a Womble figurine adjustable pepper grinder for Christmas, it's bloody useless, no matter how I set the thing the pepper is either over ground or under ground.

[Tins]

Road worker stands, looks intently at the ground, then swings his shovel in a wide arch. Again! Again! Again! Slices and smashes a hapless large snail.

Foreman: "Hey! What'ya do that for?!?"

Road worker: "I didn't trust the look of him ... and he's been following me around all day."

Don't get it. The road worker couldn't have caught it.

[Eevo]

For the 10th year in a row, my co workers have voted me "The most secretive guy in the office".
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.

[4bee]

I got a Womble figurine adjustable pepper grinder for Christmas, it's bloody useless, no matter how I set the thing the pepper is either over ground or under ground.

I'm never quite sure about some of these Character gizmos especially if they are battery operated. Sometimes I reckon they are for Decoration only.[bigsad]

[sashadidi]

167929

[sashadidi]

167930

[NavyDiver]

Jumped in a taxi today . As the driver just passed my place I tapped him on the shoulder. He slammed on the brakes and served violently running up the curb and just stopping before hitting a tree!

OMG I said to him, "you're so jumpy you almost killed us both!"

He was as white as a ghost and said " Its my first day in a Uber/taxi today. I have been driving a hearse for the last 20 years! [thumbsupbig]

[Homestar]

I got a Womble figurine adjustable pepper grinder for Christmas, it's bloody useless, no matter how I set the thing the pepper is either over ground or under ground.

As a small aside to the joke, I remember thinking as a kid that there must have been heaps of Wombles because the lyrics said ‘Underground, overground, Wombling free, the Wombles of Wimbledon common are we’ - I thought the common bit meant there was plenty of them... [emoji56]

Check out the link below and tell me the slight gap between Wimbledon and Common wouldn’t make you think that... [emoji16]


The Wombles - Intro Theme Tune Animated Titles - YouTube (https://youtu.be/VLCvqAZo5kQ)

[Homestar]

Save business cards of people you don’t like, and if you ever hit a parked car, write ‘sorry’ on the back of one and leave it on their windscreen.

[spudfan]

He lived in a big house he had recently inherited. So there he was in the shower when he realised there was no soap. He gets out of the shower and heads down the hall to the cupboard where he remembered seeing some bars of soap amongst other stuff. He was searching in the cupboard which was dark as it had no light, when he heard the hall door opening and the two cleaning ladies coming in. Not having time to leg it back to the shower he steps into the cupboard and closes the door meaning to stay there until the cleaning ladies left.
He hears the cleaning ladies talking to each other as they approach and to his horror he hears one of them say that she must get some cleaning materials from the cupboard. Sure enough the cupboard opens and one of the ladies says
"Look at the statue. The new owner must have bought it. I wonder why he put it into the cupboard?"
"I don't know " says the other lady" but it is very realistic, it even has a nice little piece of manhood"
"So it does " says the other lady "I'm going to give it a wee shake" which she does.
"I'm going to give it a wee shake too" says the other lady and proceeds to give it a fairly good shake.
"Ah would you look at that " she says " it's a sanitiser dispenser......."

[Gav 110]

Save business cards of people you don’t like, and if you ever hit a parked car, write ‘sorry’ on the back of one and leave it on their windscreen.

I’ve been in a car with an old work colleague who ran up the back end of a young girl in her bosses car who was sent to do the banking
No damage to the bull bar of the car I was in but the tailgate was caved in on the other car
He had a chat to the young lass who said he “she had never been in an accident and didn’t know what to do”
No worries he said
Old mate grabbed a stack of business cards, searched through and picked out an appropriate card (someone he didn’t like) scribbled a few numbers on the back
Gave it to the girl
Told her all the details were on the back and his name and number are on the front, just tell your boss to give me a call and we will sort it out

I asked him a couple of weeks later how much the damage was and that’s when I heard what he’d done☹️

[spudfan]

Wife stabs husband after seeing her younger self in old photos, thought he was cheating

A confused and enraged wife stabbed her husband after seeing photos of him with a younger woman, who turned out to be herself from back then.
True story from a newspage......

[4bee]

Wife stabs husband after seeing her younger self in old photos, thought he was cheating

A confused and enraged wife stabbed her husband after seeing photos of him with a younger woman, who turned out to be herself from back then.
True story from a newspage......


I can sort of relate to that. Some years ago 'er indoors saw a photo of a nice looking woman in company with a UK friend of ours on board a yacht up Townsville way.



She thought bob ( for that was his name) was two timing etc until I pointed out the sheila was his missus wearing sunnies. Not often she thinks she is wrong but bejeezuz, she was that time but it had been a few years since last seen & probably never had seen her in Sunnies living in deepest darkest Surrey.:Rolling:

[4bee]

Wife stabs husband after seeing her younger self in old photos, thought he was cheating

A confused and enraged wife stabbed her husband after seeing photos of him with a younger woman, who turned out to be herself from back then.
True story from a newspage......

She should have gone to SpecSavers.[bigrolf]

[sashadidi]

167991

[4bee]

167991

Not going to hear much with the Earphones stuck up your hooter.[biggrin]

[sashadidi]

A farmer was pulled over by a police officer who was renowned for being a bully.

“Your brake light is out” said the police officer. “I’m going to write you up.”

“I’m sorry officer, I didn’t realize,” said the farmer. “Can’t you just give me a warning? I’ll head straight to the mechanic to fix it.”

“Now listen here …” the police officer launched into a long lecture, intent on making the farmer feel bad.



Finally, the officer got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.The farmer said: “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

The officer stopped writing the ticket and said: “Well yeah, if that’s what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.”

The farmer said: “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”



The officer answered, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said: “Hey … wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”

The farmer replied: “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”

The officer said: “Well, that’s a good thing,” and went back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer muttered: “Hard to fool them flies though …”

[sashadidi]

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[V8Ian]

Is that Mrs Doubtfire?

[jx2mad]

That would be hard to trump!

[sashadidi]

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[4bee]

Is that Mrs Doubtfire?


More your Mrs Bonfire I reckon.

[Eevo]

A new strain of head lice is going around which is resistant to conventional treatments.
It has left scientists scratching their head

[4bee]

A new strain of head lice is going around which is resistant to conventional treatments.
It has left scientists scratching their head

.............................................& even more uncomfortable, their bollocks.

[sashadidi]

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[rick130]

.https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210202/883a33f4c993bf8f7b3ebaeaa555f9aa.jpg

[NavyDiver]

A old Sailor was just lamenting his knees are wobbling and he feels like he is getting old and frail.[bawl]


I suggested he get out of the pub and off the turps[biggrin]

[Eevo]

People who don’t know how to spell are such loosers

[4bee]

People who don’t know how to spell are such loosers

That appears fine to me but shirley you mean Peeple?[bigrolf]

[4bee]

A old Sailor was just lamenting his knees are wobbling and he feels like he is getting old and frail.[bawl]


I suggested he get out of the pub and off the turps[biggrin]


I hope bob took your advice. [bigrolf]

[Eevo]

A retired couple, Denise and Bob, moved to Tamworth NSW. Bob always
wanted a pair of R.M. WILLIAMS boots, so, seeing some on sale, he
bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?'
Denise looked him over. 'No Darl.'
Frustrated, Bob stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
back into the kitchen completely naked except for new R.M. Williams
boots.
Again he asked Denise, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'
Denise looked up and exclaimed, 'Bob, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down
again tomorrow, 'cause it's always that way.'
Furious, Bob yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, DENISE?
DO YOU?'
.....'No Darl', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT ME NEW R.M. WILLIAMS
BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Denise replied, 'Shoulda bought a
hat, Bob.
Shoulda bought a hat.'

[superquag]

A retired couple, Denise and Bob, moved to Tamworth NSW. Bob always
wanted a pair of R.M. WILLIAMS boots, so, seeing some on sale, he
bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?'
Denise looked him over. 'No Darl.'
Frustrated, Bob stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
back into the kitchen completely naked except for new R.M. Williams
boots.
Again he asked Denise, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'
Denise looked up and exclaimed, 'Bob, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down
again tomorrow, 'cause it's always that way.'
Furious, Bob yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, DENISE?
DO YOU?'
.....'No Darl', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT ME NEW R.M. WILLIAMS
BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Denise replied, 'Shoulda bought a
hat, Bob.
Shoulda bought a hat.'


No one can ... deflate..a bloke like his Wife.

[bob10]

https://ci6.googleusercontent.com/proxy/c6inyiElkbxrw9pCF2ukiAAl1QMCmynakCcM9ia3AlpUc4ZR8Y-3fFakWeFxETC0x18HmJjj9DVmZXY1IVD4OeNcuDNgt3wFnrsG5 y-eKf_-XAFGcPdpn1E=s0-d-e1-ft#https://www.westprint.com.au/pub/media/wysiwyg/ffpics/2021/beaters.jpg

[Eevo]

A Catholic priest asks a Jewish rabbi: when will you finally start eating pork?
The rabbi replies: at your wedding.

[Earthrover]

For some reason the wife was dropping hints about buying her flowers at the weekend. I didnt know which to get so i bought her both plain and self raising.

[V8Ian]

As yesterday was St Valentine's Day, I got up very early and went for a ten kilometre run. When I got home I showered then tidied up the kitchen and lounge room and arranged the red roses I had bought the day before and hidden in the garage, into a vase. I then cooked a large breakfast for my Wife and surprisingly nothing went wrong and it was all ready together.

I put it all on a tray and was just about to take it into the bedroom to surprise her when I woke up, so now I will never know how that dream would have ended.

[Hogarthde]

Hmmm, Ian , this is the joke section if you don’t mind .🤔

[bob10]

https://img-s-msn-com.akamaized.net/tenant/amp/entityid/BB1dGju7.img?h=416&w=799&m=6&q=60&u=t&o=f&l=f

[4bee]

As yesterday was St Valentine's Day, I got up very early and went for a ten kilometre run. When I got home I showered then tidied up the kitchen and lounge room and arranged the red roses I had bought the day before and hidden in the garage, into a vase. I then cooked a large breakfast for my Wife and surprisingly nothing went wrong and it was all ready together.

I put it all on a tray and was just about to take it into the bedroom to surprise her when I woke up, so now I will never know how that dream would have ended.


That is the story of my life, so I know how it feels. No really.[bigrolf]

[4bee]

As yesterday was St Valentine's Day, I got up very early and went for a ten kilometre run. When I got home I showered then tidied up the kitchen and lounge room and arranged the red roses I had bought the day before and hidden in the garage, into a vase. I then cooked a large breakfast for my Wife and surprisingly nothing went wrong and it was all ready together.

I put it all on a tray and was just about to take it into the bedroom to surprise her when I woke up, so now I will never know how that dream would have ended.


I can guarantee that it never ended in a bit of Nooky.[bigrolf][bigrolf]

[DeeJay]

168750

[cuppabillytea]

As yesterday was St Valentine's Day, I got up very early and went for a ten kilometre run. When I got home I showered then tidied up the kitchen and lounge room and arranged the red roses I had bought the day before and hidden in the garage, into a vase. I then cooked a large breakfast for my Wife and surprisingly nothing went wrong and it was all ready together.

I put it all on a tray and was just about to take it into the bedroom to surprise her when I woke up, so now I will never know how that dream would have ended.
I'm surprised you woke up at all after an effort like that.

[cuppabillytea]

168750
That will never happen... They won't let the truck across the border.

[4bee]

For some reason the wife was dropping hints about buying her flowers at the weekend. I didnt know which to get so i bought her both plain and self raising.


........& all the time she wanted Corn Flour. No wonder she had a hump on.[bigrolf]

[4bee]

That will never happen... They won't let the truck across the border.



Just reading about that infamous bridge. Cripes! What a history? [bigsad] I wonder why they didn't think to lower the roadway? It could have been much worse if the Rail Tracks were knocked out of alignment & a Train was derailed over the edge.


Similar happened near here at Crafers on the freeway many years ago. Semi loaded with Steel work hit the Pedestrian bridge, killed the driver & his female companion who was getting a lift. I think they copped it when some of the the load went forward post impact, & crushed the cab.


Can't recall the exact details now but they did lower the road surface a few feet. Job done.

[Homestar]

Why lower the road when we get endless enjoyment watching ****wits wedge their trucks under it. It’s only one block over for high vehicles - not that hard if you have more than a few brain cells. 😁👍

[cuppabillytea]

Why lower the road when we get endless enjoyment watching ****wits wedge their trucks under it. It’s only one block over for high vehicles - not that hard if you have more than a few brain cells. 😁👍
Yes, and I'm normally told to sit at the back of the bus, so that's nice.

[V8Ian]

The road was raised, under the bridge years ago, to alleviate flooding.

[cuppabillytea]

The road was raised, under the bridge years ago, to alleviate flooding.
I guess it's a matter of which end you prefer; soggy or sticky.

[DeeJay]

I actually witnessed a hire van completely remove the top of its roof there. I doubled back & the two guys that were in it were doubled over laughing... took it off like tinfoil..

[4bee]

The road was raised, under the bridge years ago, to alleviate flooding.


A small bit of underestimating the situation there then.


Weird or wot?

[4bee]

Why lower the road when we get endless enjoyment watching ****wits wedge their trucks under it. It’s only one block over for high vehicles - not that hard if you have more than a few brain cells. 😁👍



I don't intend to drive a semi or a Van or a Bus etc under your bridge for your cheap larfs Gav, when you larf & point & probably say "I think I know that silly ****er" [bigrolf]

BTW, is this the same bridge where someone here recently posted an image of a Cattle Trailer with a Steer's head poking out above the sides while just entering the bridge access? OMFG!


My Crafers one, was early evening with no Freeway Lighting then, but there were warnings signs & just as well there were no Pedestrians on that bridge at that time.

[350RRC]

The road was raised, under the bridge years ago, to alleviate flooding.

The Dudley St bridge used to get hit all the time too.

It had a dip under it that flooded and people in beemers, etc, with electric locking and windows used to get rescued from the pond. Was quite serious.

Haven't been there for awhile so I don't know if the configuration has changed in recent years.

I semi driver I knew (Les) snapped the pin on his trailer trying to fit underneath one day. Blamed faulty sensors in the loading yard.

DL

[jonesfam]

Arthur & Beryl, who have been married for years, go shopping together one day.
While walking down the drinks isle Arthur picks up a case of beer & put it in the trolley.
Beryl says "Why do you want that?"
Arthur says "It's $10 for 24 cans, that's a bargain!"
"We can't afford that." says Beryl "Put it back."

A bit later in Isle 5 Beryl picks up a $20 jar of face cream.
"What do you want that for?" asks Arthur.
" It makes me beautiful." replies Beryl
"So does 24 cans of beer at $10!"

Arthurs body was found by staff in Isle 5 35 minutes later!

Jonesfam

[sashadidi]

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[Eevo]

A goalie's goal in life is to have no goals

[RANDLOVER]

A goalie's goal in life is to have no goals


.....and to stay out of goal.

[4bee]

.....and to stay out of goal.


Or JAIL, as the Olde Worlde Speech Police would demand today.[bighmmm]

[RHS58]

.....and to stay out of gaol.

Fixed it for you?

[jx2mad]

An orchestra came to town to give recitals of some of the old masters works. In the town there were three animals who loved listening to classical music so they decided to get into the venue. The two dogs and the cat turned up and were turned away. The first dog spoke to the doorman and asked him if he knew who he was refusing entry. The man replied he did not know who they were. The dog replied...........I am Bach, my mate is Offenbach, and the cat is Debussy.

[sashadidi]

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[Eevo]

My wife got mad and threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
I'm fine though, my injuries are super fish oil.

[cuppabillytea]

Fixed it for you?
What is it with all of these Rons righting wronglish?

[RHS58]

What is it with all of these Rons righting wronglish?

Two Rons make it right.

[DiscoDB]

Two Rons make it right.

...and two Ronnies make you laugh [emoji851][emoji851]

[Blknight.aus]

Two Rons make it right.


dont you mean two Rons make it write?

[sashadidi]

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[NavyDiver]

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

[DeeJay]

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[drivesafe]

169010
This is both a joke and not a joke.

I came across that on Facecrook and shared it with some friends.

A day later, it was removed from all places shared too.

I posted up what had happened on another forums Joke thread and told them what had happened on Facecrook.

Someone there posted it up on their Facecrook page and posted "see how long it lasts" and within minutes he was back saying it was already removed.

So much for Facecrooks FREE SPEECH policy!

[NavyDiver]

This is both a joke and not a joke.

I came across that on Facecrook and shared it with some friends.

A day later, it was removed from all places shared too.

I posted up what had happened on another forums Joke thread and told them what had happened on Facecrook.

Someone there posted it up on their Facecrook page and posted "see how long it lasts" and within minutes he was back saying it was already removed.

So much for Facecrooks FREE SPEECH policy!

I posted a news item "we are friends again" FB asking for forgiven and wanting to be friends again. They Blocked it [biggrin][biggrin][biggrin] Clearly a joke [bigrolf]

[Eevo]

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

[sashadidi]

169177

[4bee]

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip


He should know. Probably the only doors he has ever opened were The Wardroom Gin Lockers on various RN ships.

[Tins]

So much for Facecrooks FREE SPEECH policy!

You believed they had one, Tim?

[Tins]

He should know. Probably the only doors he has ever opened were The Wardroom Gin Lockers on various RN ships.

We are not amused... Not sure he's had a new wife. I think we'd have heard.

[Tins]

169177

Approx 75% of the population prove that, yeah, you can.

[superquag]

This is both a joke and not a joke.

I came across that on Facecrook and shared it with some friends.

A day later, it was removed from all places shared too.

I posted up what had happened on another forums Joke thread and told them what had happened on Facecrook.

Someone there posted it up on their Facecrook page and posted "see how long it lasts" and within minutes he was back saying it was already removed.

So much for Facecrooks FREE SPEECH policy!

The joke is on THEM...... FACT-Check:-
-- 'It IS made in China, the packaging declares it. Prominantly, on the FRONT, not the back. It is inconceivable that a Chinese company would manufacture something that they felt clearly insulted them. Chinese industry is controlled and/or beholden to the CCP, ergo, they find it innocuous or they find it amusing.

FB are being more 'precious' than we can accuse China of being.

[Eevo]

I had a vasectomy because I decided I didn't want kids.
When I got home they were still there.

[spudfan]

1

[sashadidi]

This is both a joke and not a joke.

I came across that on Facecrook and shared it with some friends.

A day later, it was removed from all places shared too.

I posted up what had happened on another forums Joke thread and told them what had happened on Facecrook.

Someone there posted it up on their Facecrook page and posted "see how long it lasts" and within minutes he was back saying it was already removed.

So much for Facecrooks FREE SPEECH policy! my friends have it up on facebook in New Zealand no trouble with no deletion and its stayed even up on yandex.ru with no deletion :confused:???

[sashadidi]

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[RANDLOVER]

1


https://www.aulro.com/afvb/attachments/general-chat/169208d1614716788-jokes-0-02-04-09670ec7fe040d9e1ee337a95cb86641485fa116c9b84408f6 d8909151dc2cab_355ef04e.jpg
Heinzsight is very useful as it helps you see where you've bean. [bigrolf]

[V8Ian]

A Yorkshire man lay dying on his bed.
Is my wife here?
Yes.
Are my children here?
Yes.
Are my grandchildren here?
Yes.
Then why is the light on in the hall?

[4bee]

A Yorkshire man lay dying on his bed.
Is my wife here?
Yes.
Are my children here?
Yes.
Are my grandchildren here?
Yes.
Then why is the light on in the hall?



Very bad form not even mentioning his Mistress. Maybe the light was left on just for her as she may not have arrived

by then?[bigrolf]

[sashadidi]

169418

[rick130]

[emoji16]https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210312/c3c095b3c61c0aef9c9cc50caa651819.jpg

[Eevo]

not a joke, just a good story


A father said to his daughter “You have graduated with honors, here is a car I bought many years ago.
It is a bit older now but before I give it to you, take it to the used car lot downtown and tell them you want to sell it and see how much they offer you for it.
The daughter went to the used car lot, returned to her father and said, “They offered me $1,000 because they said it looks pretty worn out.”
The father said, now “Take it to the pawn shop.” The daughter went to the pawn shop, returned to her father and said,”The pawn shop offered only $100 because it is an old car.”
The father asked his daughter to go to a car club now and show them the car. The daughter then took the car to the club, returned and told her father,” Some people in the club offered $100,000 for it because it’s a Holden Torana and it's an iconic car and sought by many collectors”
Now the father said this to his daughter, “The right place values you the right way,” If you are not valued, do not be angry, it means you are in the wrong place. Those who know your value are those who appreciate you......Never stay in a place where no one sees your value.
Never!

[4bee]

not a joke, just a good story


A father said to his daughter “You have graduated with honors, here is a car I bought many years ago.
It is a bit older now but before I give it to you, take it to the used car lot downtown and tell them you want to sell it and see how much they offer you for it.
The daughter went to the used car lot, returned to her father and said, “They offered me $1,000 because they said it looks pretty worn out.”
The father said, now “Take it to the pawn shop.” The daughter went to the pawn shop, returned to her father and said,”The pawn shop offered only $100 because it is an old car.”
The father asked his daughter to go to a car club now and show them the car. The daughter then took the car to the club, returned and told her father,” Some people in the club offered $100,000 for it because it’s a Holden Torana and it's an iconic car and sought by many collectors”
Now the father said this to his daughter, “The right place values you the right way,” If you are not valued, do not be angry, it means you are in the wrong place. Those who know your value are those who appreciate you......Never stay in a place where no one sees your value.
Never!



Us olde Geezers here know what wisdom is.[bigrolf]

[Gav 110]

[emoji16]https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210312/c3c095b3c61c0aef9c9cc50caa651819.jpg

That’s not a joke

That’s just the Green Oval Experience

[emoji481][emoji481][emoji481]

[4bee]

That’s not a joke

That’s just the Green Oval Experience

[emoji481][emoji481][emoji481]


But really, is a Joke. [bigrolf]

[Tins]

[emoji16]https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210312/c3c095b3c61c0aef9c9cc50caa651819.jpg
The amount of time I spent under my Disco recently I wish that it DID leak coffee...

[Gav 110]

The amount of time I spent under my Disco recently I wish that it DID leak coffee...

The more it leaks the less chance of underbody/chassis rust[emoji12]

[sashadidi]

169438

[Tins]

The more it leaks the less chance of underbody/chassis rust[emoji12]

Coffee prevents rust??.

On a brighter note, perhaps that's why Toyotas are notorious for rusting chassis.

[cuppabillytea]

Us olde Geezers here know what wisdom is.[bigrolf]
I don't.

[4bee]

Coffee prevents rust??.

On a brighter note, perhaps that's why Toyotas are notorious for rusting chassis.


Saki makes rust? At least it wouldn't require etching for the next coat of Chassis paint.

[Tins]

Saki makes rust? At least it wouldn't require etching for the next coat of Chassis paint.

Saki does many things. Rust is possibly one of them, but by then wtf cares?
Bloody stuff is lethal. Slow, sure, but lethal nevertheless. I'm still dying from the last time.

[Tins]

I don't.

You will, once you're old.

[cuppabillytea]

You will, once you're old.
I'm 67. How long do Ihve to wait?

[Tins]

I'm 67. How long do Ihve to wait?

I'm 67 also. We can wait together.

[4bee]

I'm 67 also. We can wait together.


Well I won't wait for you, lads, I'm 84 & have just only got a little bit of it now. Just a bit mind, although 'er indoors reckons I'm kidding myself & it could just be bull****.:rolleyes:

Yer know, I wouldn't normally have admitted that but times are a changing & one doesn't know what that light could be at the end of the tunnel. Knowing my luck it could be Steam Ranger's 621 going like ****ery & me with my old pair of tatty boots jammed into a Points Set while crossing the track.


Re 621. I have a particular association with 621 we being put into service on the same day in '36.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9jJnEyHmp4

Cest la vie.

:Rolling:

[sashadidi]

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[Tins]

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I reckon Basil will be uncomfortable around 12:00

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[rick130]

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic. The nursed asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?" "I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.

[Tins]

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic. The nursed asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?" "I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.

Oh dear..

[Fifth Columnist]

After a year's lockdown I no longer find it boring staying in all day, but I don't understand why in one box of Rice Krispies there are 12453, and in another box there are 12467?

[4bee]

After a year's lockdown I no longer find it boring staying in all day, but I don't understand why in one box of Rice Krispies there are 12453, and in another box there are 12467?



JEEEEZUZ, Eevo has really got to you ain't he?:Rolling:

[Tins]

JEEEEZUZ, Eevo has really got to you ain't he?:Rolling:

He'll get to us all in the end, mark my words.

[Eevo]

sure you weren't counting fruitloops? plenty of them around

[RANDLOVER]

I'm no good at reading people's minds, I think that makes me "Telepathetic".

[superquag]

169744

Pic is worth ..... [biggrin]

[rick130]

Harry Brown was a defense lawyer who always tried to look on the bright side, even with his most hardened criminal clients. One day, during a particularly difficult case, he told his client:

"I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is your blood test came back and your DNA matches the blood found on the victim, the murder weapon and the getaway car."

"Oh no!" said the client. "I'm finished! What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 4."

[rick130]

Benny who was clearly in his 80's had just finished his morning jog and he didn't even appear to be short of breath.

Sam a 70 year old who was watching him was amazed at the man's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

Benny said, "Well, I eat rye bread every single day. Rye bread helps keep your energy level high, and it also gives you great stamina with the ladies."

Sam the 70 year old man was impressed, so on the way home he stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the saleslady asked him if he needed any help.

He replied, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes we do, there is a whole shelf of it over there. Would you like me a get you some?"

He said, "Yes please, actually I would like five loaves."

"My goodness, five loaves!" she said. "By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

The man replied, "I can't believe that everybody knows about this but me!

[rick130]

Sent to me by a Jewish mate. [emoji6]



Six Jews are playing poker in the clubhouse of their retirement community in Florida. Abe loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Out of respect to Abe, they play the final hours of their game standing up.

At the end of the evening, Meyerowitz looks around and asks, “Nu? So who’s going to tell his wife?”

They cut the cards.

Pearlman draws the low card. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make the sad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet! The soul of discretion. Leave it to me.”

Pearlman goes over to the Abe’s condo and knocks on the door. Abe’s wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

“Abe lost $500 in a poker game and he’s afraid to come home.”

“Tell him to drop dead!”

“OK, I’ll go tell him.”

[DeeJay]

169798

[sashadidi]

169841

[sashadidi]

169842

[4bee]

169842


That is not as silly as it looks Sash..
When the old Uraidla Pub near here was being renovated, they apparently found that a Gutter incorporated into the Bar footrest was an old **** Drain. So they said??? It was also a bit of publicity before it opened so could have been bull**** or not.

Story was, so the old blokes wouldn't miss out during the "6 O'clock Swill", they used the drain while still standing at the bar.

Supposedly a true story according to some bloke who could remember back then although my theory was it's use as a foot rest turned into a **** Drain. The footrest also doubled as a Butt Ash tray so is a bit vague.


But who can say what the truth was/is? Apparently they were a bit rough & tumble sort of blokes mainly Timber getters, Market Garden Workers & Growers etc etc etc.

EDIT. But still close to the point. The Urinals in the men's dunny comprise of cut out Stainless beer Kegs fixed to the wall.

I hope they de-burred the edges.[bigsad]


Some one had a sense of humour.[bigrolf]


Hhmmmm, maybe the "drain" terminated where 3 massive trees are now standing?:mrgreen:

[Tins]

169842

Possibly evidence for Terry Pratchett's contention that you don'y buy beer, you merely rent it for a while....

[tc_s1]

How they really cleared the canal.https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210329/97633ff4d5426873dee4f1cedd95c494.jpg

[bob10]

We all know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognized throughout the civilized world
but we all need to be reminded from time to time.
In General:
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the
funeral.
Eating Out:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise
the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
Entertaining at Home:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
3. Never, ever fill your kettle with the used water from your bath tub.
Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN
ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if
you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear
you.
Weddings:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football
jumper can create a tacky appearance.
3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
Driving Etiquette:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in
your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the
right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring
back beer too.

[bob10]

That is not as silly as it looks Sash..
When the old Uraidla Pub near here was being renovated, they apparently found that a Gutter incorporated into the Bar footrest was an old **** Drain. So they said??? It was also a bit of publicity before it opened so could have been bull**** or not.

Story was, so the old blokes wouldn't miss out during the "6 O'clock Swill", they used the drain while still standing at the bar.

Supposedly a true story according to some bloke who could remember back then although my theory was it's use as a foot rest turned into a **** Drain. The footrest also doubled as a Butt Ash tray so is a bit vague.


But who can say what the truth was/is? Apparently they were a bit rough & tumble sort of blokes mainly Timber getters, Market Garden Workers & Growers etc etc etc.

EDIT. But still close to the point. The Urinals in the men's dunny comprise of cut out Stainless beer Kegs fixed to the wall.

I hope they de-burred the edges.[bigsad]


Some one had a sense of humour.[bigrolf]


Hhmmmm, maybe the "drain" terminated where 3 massive trees are now standing?:mrgreen:

When we went to England a mate & I hired a car and drove around Devon & Cornwall, went into a pub where they sold " scrumpy ". The old pub had what could only be called a urinal right at the bar. Publican said that in the old days, blokes who drank this " scrumpy " for years, used to lose control of their bladder.
So they just relieved themselves at the bar. Didn't confirm the story with any one else, but did have a pint of" scrumpy" each. Then had to sleep it off in the car, " scrumpy " being apple cider, rough as , very high alcohol.

[Tins]

Then had to sleep it off in the car, " scrumpy " being apple cider, rough as , very high alcohol.

I find that scrumpy has similar disabling qualities to sake. Caveat emptor and all that.

[4bee]

When we went to England a mate & I hired a car and drove around Devon & Cornwall, went into a pub where they sold " scrumpy ". The old pub had what could only be called a urinal right at the bar. Publican said that in the old days, blokes who drank this " scrumpy " for years, used to lose control of their bladder.
So they just relieved themselves at the bar. Didn't confirm the story with any one else, but did have a pint of" scrumpy" each. Then had to sleep it off in the car, " scrumpy " being apple cider, rough as , very high alcohol.


So my story could be true then?


A lot of Cousin Jacks did settle in this area, in fact the previous Owner of this gaff's wife was of Cornish heritage.


A bit of a sad story that. Her Husband & she went to the UK on a long planned trip as you do. She felt very very strongly about the place & supposedly died on the train. Apparently suffered bad depression here & would sit at the kitchen window & stare into space for hours on end.
Details are a bit sketchy but the son also Bill, got a preference Air ticket through the Premier of the time Tom Playford also a local resident here to the UK on QANTAS. Remember in early days, tickets were very scarce & only Politicians & Businessmen flew.

He went & brought his Dad back on board a ship.



Two possible things emerged, A. She was suffering from post Natal Depression after having borne 7 children. They've all gone now.

B. She may have jumped off the train in Cornwall & suicided rather than return to Australia & the loneliness of the Market Gardens & the bleak weather in Winter..

If anyone knows, they ain't sayin & why should they, it is Private..


She was interred in Cornwall.

[Eevo]

My wife says that I'm hopeless at fixing household appliances.
Well she's in for a shock.

[V8Ian]

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.
After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,

"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:

"Does she still have the hickups?"

[Xtreme]

I have a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare but he chewed it a lot.
Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

[Xtreme]

I finally told my suitcases that there will be no holiday this year.

Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage .......

[4bee]

I have a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare but he chewed it a lot.
Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.



OI, I heard that, nothing wrong with 4 Bs either. Well maybe, in the grand scheme of things.[bigrolf] So long as it isn't a 4B he can chew my brudders all he liked.

[4bee]

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.
After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,

"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:

"Does she still have the hickups?"



I can understand how that would do the trick.[bighmmm]

[Eevo]

is it too late to make any more suez canal jokes? or has that ship has sailed?

[Eevo]

I went to see my dermatologist for my skin condition. His prescription: Go home and take a milk bath. I said, “pasteurized”? He said, “no… Just up to your neck…”

[sashadidi]

169949

[sashadidi]

169956

[4bee]

is it too late to make any more suez canal jokes? or has that ship has sailed?



Yeah you have missed the boat. Wanna catch **** you'll have to go to Gibraltar if you hurry?


Next stop I understand is Antwerp.



I suppose the authorities have considered that this ship will need to go back via the Suez Canal. Ohhh nooooo!


Personally, I wouldn't let it go within a 1000 km of the canal, but as I am not wearing a Fez it ain't nuffink to do with me.


I wonder if it can now bugger up the Navigation Traffic Lanes/Traffic Separation Scheme in the English Channel?
[biggrin]

[spudfan]

Two women were out shopping. One woman picks up a carrot and says to the other woman
"This carrot is like my husband's manhood"
"Really" says the other woman "In what way?!
"Guess" said the first woman.
"Is it the length of it?"
"No, guess again."
"Is it the shape of it?"
"No, guess again"
"Is it the width of it?."
"No, guess again."
"I give up. What is the reason?."
"It's the dirt on it..."

[Blknight.aus]

is it too late to make any more suez canal jokes? or has that ship has sailed?

it is and has but hey, whatever floats your boat.

[sashadidi]

169973

[sashadidi]

169974

[4bee]

Two women were out shopping. One woman picks up a carrot and says to the other woman
"This carrot is like my husband's manhood"
"Really" says the other woman "In what way?!
"Guess" said the first woman.
"Is it the length of it?"
"No, guess again."
"Is it the shape of it?"
"No, guess again"
"Is it the width of it?."
"No, guess again."
"I give up. What is the reason?."
"It's the dirt on it..."




YeeeeeeWWWWK![bigrolf]

[Tins]

169973

That particular sign board has been home to some rippers.

[Tins]

https://youtu.be/qKgDSbiiBks

[4bee]

169949

Stupid Bastard! No wonder he isn't getting anywhere, the rope should be connected to the Pommel not his arse.[bigrolf]

[Gav 110]

Stupid Bastard! No wonder he isn't getting anywhere, the rope should be connected to the Pommel not his arse.[bigrolf]

I think it may be wedged up Chuck’s arse, not tied to the saddle [emoji12]

[4bee]

I think it may be wedged up Chuck’s arse, not tied to the saddle [emoji12]




But Clint would have had much stronger Scissor bones & had that ship off the bank lickety split.

But alas, from what I have seen of Clint lately he would have trouble scissoring anything even poo. [bigrolf]



But but but, assuming you are correct, which you may be, the rope could be up his arse but he fails the test by not having the end securely fixed to the Pommel, in fact I don't know where the rope end is. Hanging loosely on the Port Side makes him a better cowb'y rather than a Deep Sea Salvage Consultant who would have had the end neatly coiled & the end neatly Whipped or Back spliced.:rolleyes:


Dunno why he didn't use his Lariat anyway, it is sitting there doing buggerall..:Rolling:

[Tins]

But Clint would have had much stronger Scissor bones & had that ship off the bank lickety split.

But alas, from what I have seen of Clint lately he would have trouble scissoring anything even poo. [bigrolf]





That ain't Clint, Des.

[Gav 110]

But Clint would have had much stronger Scissor bones & had that ship off the bank lickety split.

But alas, from what I have seen of Clint lately he would have trouble scissoring anything even poo. [bigrolf]



But but but, assuming you are correct, which you may be, the rope could be up his arse but he fails the test by not having the end securely fixed to the Pommel, in fact I don't know where the rope end is. Hanging loosely on the Port Side makes him a better cowb'y rather than a Deep Sea Salvage Consultant who would have had the end neatly coiled & the end neatly Whipped or Back spliced.:rolleyes:


Dunno why he didn't use his Lariat anyway, it is sitting there doing buggerall..:Rolling:

I believe that Chuck being Chuck and can do the unbelievable
The rope has actually grown from out of his rectum
With the grip of steel that Mr Norris beholds, the rope will be theoretically tied to the pummel (as soon as he lets go of his brim) via his hand🤪🤪

Mr Eastwood would only need to squint, bite off the end of a cigar, chew on it a couple of times and spit at the ship, you would hear the corny western music start up, out with the six shooter, spin it on his finger and before he unloaded all six rounds https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210402/c8597032d784f85fa835a5093ae98503.jpgthe Ever Given would be back in alignment and floating out of the Suez Canal[emoji6]


Ive gotta stop staying up and watching those late night repeats of old movies
My imagination seems to be working in overtime 🤣🤣🤣

[emoji481][emoji481][emoji481]

[Tins]

Mr Eastwood would only need to squint, bite off the end of a cigar, chew on it a couple of times and spit at the ship, you would hear the corny western music start up, out with the six shooter, spin it on his finger and before he unloaded all six rounds

[emoji481][emoji481][emoji481]

All Clint would have had to do was say "Get off my lawn." Or, "Go ahead, punk, make my day."

[sashadidi]

As we dont appear to have a "you couldnt make it up" thread I guess I will put this here......[bigsmile]



Limpopo pastor farts on congregation to heal them

Limpopo pastor farts on congregation to heal them with ’God’s power’ (https://www.iol.co.za/news/south-africa/limpopo/limpopo-pastor-farts-on-congregation-to-heal-them-with-gods-power-c9fbae67-375c-4df8-a411-6e2ab5938eda)

[4bee]

I believe that Chuck being Chuck and can do the unbelievable
The rope has actually grown from out of his rectum
With the grip of steel that Mr Norris beholds, the rope will be theoretically tied to the pummel (as soon as he lets go of his brim) via his hand🤪🤪

Mr Eastwood would only need to squint, bite off the end of a cigar, chew on it a couple of times and spit at the ship, you would hear the corny western music start up, out with the six shooter, spin it on his finger and before he unloaded all six rounds https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210402/c8597032d784f85fa835a5093ae98503.jpgthe Ever Given would be back in alignment and floating out of the Suez Canal[emoji6]


Ive gotta stop staying up and watching those late night repeats of old movies
My imagination seems to be working in overtime 🤣🤣🤣

[emoji481][emoji481][emoji481]


Yep me as well. Maybe we need a new section "Wild Imaginations"



JAYZUZ who would wish to handle that rope, Chuck or no Chucky it would still be caked in crap.



I reckon Clint was going to blast that ship right out to the Med. Five shots as well.


The sixth he would be saving for that Captain or Gringo Pilot.



Rest easy my friend, Daylight Saving ends tomorrow night so plenty of shuteye & sack time for you to enjoy.
Resist the temptation to take those "Clint Eastwood Does the West" comics to bed.

Hasta la Vista.

[350RRC]

Yep me as well. Maybe we need a new section "Wild Imaginations"



JAYZUZ who would wish to handle that rope, Chuck or no Chucky it would still be caked in crap.



I reckon Clint was going to blast that ship right out to the Med. Five shots as well.


The sixth he would be saving for that Captain or Gringo Pilot.



Rest easy my friend, Daylight Saving ends tonight so plenty of shuteye & sack time for you to enjoy.
Resist the temptation to take those "Clint Eastwood Does the West" comics to bed.

Hasta la Vista.

And someone was going to make 'merica great again.

[4bee]

And someone was going to make 'merica great again.



Yes there was someone, Refresh my memory svp, Donald Duck or sumfin wasn't it. Donald Sutherland? Donald McKay?

Oh Forget it, it's too hard.[biggrin]